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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Amos 10 Nov 09 - 11:19 PM
Janie 10 Nov 09 - 09:55 PM
Rapparee 10 Nov 09 - 08:25 PM
Ed T 10 Nov 09 - 08:16 PM
Amos 10 Nov 09 - 06:09 PM
Ed T 10 Nov 09 - 05:56 PM
Acme 10 Nov 09 - 05:22 PM
Amos 10 Nov 09 - 05:08 PM
Rapparee 10 Nov 09 - 04:44 PM
Ed T 10 Nov 09 - 04:39 PM
GUEST 10 Nov 09 - 04:37 PM
Rapparee 10 Nov 09 - 04:01 PM
Little Hawk 10 Nov 09 - 03:39 PM
MMario 10 Nov 09 - 01:46 PM
Amos 10 Nov 09 - 01:42 PM
Ed T 10 Nov 09 - 01:41 PM
Ed T 10 Nov 09 - 01:34 PM
MMario 10 Nov 09 - 01:05 PM
Amos 10 Nov 09 - 01:04 PM
MMario 10 Nov 09 - 12:43 PM
Rapparee 10 Nov 09 - 12:29 PM
Little Hawk 10 Nov 09 - 12:29 PM
Amos 10 Nov 09 - 12:18 PM
Rapparee 10 Nov 09 - 12:09 PM
MMario 10 Nov 09 - 12:06 PM
Amos 10 Nov 09 - 11:39 AM
Janie 10 Nov 09 - 11:33 AM
Acme 10 Nov 09 - 11:28 AM
MMario 10 Nov 09 - 10:45 AM
Amos 10 Nov 09 - 10:38 AM
Ed T 10 Nov 09 - 10:23 AM
Rapparee 10 Nov 09 - 09:29 AM
Amos 09 Nov 09 - 11:24 PM
Acme 09 Nov 09 - 10:46 PM
Rapparee 09 Nov 09 - 09:57 PM
Ed T 09 Nov 09 - 09:48 PM
Rapparee 09 Nov 09 - 09:04 PM
Ed T 09 Nov 09 - 08:35 PM
Rapparee 09 Nov 09 - 08:27 PM
Janie 09 Nov 09 - 08:12 PM
Janie 09 Nov 09 - 08:09 PM
Ed T 09 Nov 09 - 07:10 PM
Amos 09 Nov 09 - 06:55 PM
Acme 09 Nov 09 - 06:47 PM
Ed T 09 Nov 09 - 06:12 PM
Ed T 09 Nov 09 - 05:49 PM
Ed T 09 Nov 09 - 05:41 PM
Ed T 09 Nov 09 - 05:31 PM
Rapparee 09 Nov 09 - 04:44 PM
Ed T 09 Nov 09 - 04:38 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 10 Nov 09 - 11:19 PM

I will accept your kind and generous forgiveness, Oh Goode Rapaire, when my lily-white sneakers are dripping with your oral moisture.



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 10 Nov 09 - 09:55 PM

I suspect Bee Dubya Ell's problem right now involves bailing out the basement.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Nov 09 - 08:25 PM

The noble and merciful Rapaire forgives Ed and Amos; MM and LH need no forgiveness, and the ladies need no excuse for being. This does not, however, deal with the problem of Bee Dubya Ell.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ed T
Date: 10 Nov 09 - 08:16 PM

Chimps "nighty time" story corner:

I work at home, so I was looking for a place to relax on days when I had quite a bit to accomplish, otherwise I would never get any work done!

Let me start by saying that paying someone to bathe me normally goes against my grain. But, sometimes it's necessary when the weather is too cold outside and one is waaay overdue.

After checking websites and calling for details, I thought it would give it a try. According to the website, for a self-serve bath, they offer shampoo, conditioner, brushes, towels, nail trimmers, ear and teeth wipes, and a blow dryer. Just in case, I brought my own nail trimmers and grooming scissors. First off, there was a short wait, which was not soo unpleasant cause I got to watch others preparing for their bath time.

I paid only $15 to use their tubs, which is fairly cheap for what should have been a hassle-free bath for me, since I am a woolly mammoth. having long thick hair that is high maintenance, grooming-wise.

But once I got into the bathing area, everything went straight to hell. This was my maiden voyage and they knew that. The lady explained only part of the process, which was the shampoo and "here's some brushes". I had to ask for nail trimmers (wanted to use theirs cause mine are dull? but ended up with mine anyway). No ear or dental wipes were made available and the kicker is they leave you alone and if you have a question "whatta ya gonna do"???

I know some of my disappointment may have been colored, because I completely freaked about being left alone. The bath areas were really high and I feared falling off. Also, there was alot of noise and distractions. So I wanted to hurry up , since not having all the tools handy was a problem.

Finally, I get in the tub and go to shampoo? and the shampoo is just like water. I even had to hunt someone down and ask if I had the right stuff? And they said yes, "it just doesn't suds up". WTF? Alone, how do I know where I've cleaned and then how do I know if I've rinsed it all off? I burned thru 2 bottles of this, "cleaning water" (O had to hunt someone down for 2nd bottle and believe me, I din't like asking). The guy in the next stall had to use dial hand soap when he ran out of said "shampoo". There was another guy there bathing and he asked if this was that my first time? Cause, he said he'd been before but things had changed, namely the, so called shampoo, and he was not happy either.

I do smell a little better now. But, from now on I will rely on my own supplies at my own house. I just hope it gets me thru the cold months!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 10 Nov 09 - 06:09 PM

The Yarn of the Nancy Bell
by
W.S. Gilbert

'Twas on the shores that round our coast
From Deal to Ramsgate span,
That I found alone on a piece of stone
An elderly naval man.

His hair was weedy, his beard was long,
And weedy and long was he,
And I heard this wight on the shore recite,
In a singular minor key:

"Oh, I am a cook and a captain bold,
And the mate of the Nancy's brig,
And a bo'sun tight, and a midshipmite,
And the crew of the captain's gig."

And he shook his fists and he tore his hair,
Till I really felt afraid,
For I couldn't help thinking the man had been drinking,
And so I simply said:

"O, elderly man, it's little I know
Of the duties of men of the sea,
But I'll eat my hand if I understand
How ever you can be

"At once a cook, and a captain bold,
And the mate of the Nancy's brig,
And a bo'sun tight, and a midshipmite,
And the crew of the captain's gig."

Then he gave a hitch to his trousers, which
Is a trick all seamen larn,
And having got rid of a thumping quid,
He spun this painful yarn:

"'Twas in the good ship Nancy Bell
That we sailed the Indian sea,
And there on a reef we come to grief,
Which has often occurred to me.

"And pretty nigh all the crew was drowned
(There was seventy-seven o' soul),
And only ten of the Nancy's men
Said 'Here!' to the muster-roll.

"There was me and the cook and the captain bold,
And the mate of the Nancy's brig
And the bo'sun tight, and a midshipmite,
And the crew of the captain's gig.

"For a month we'd neither wittles nor drink,
Till a-hungry we did feel,
So we drawed a lot, and accordin' shot
The captain for our meal.

"The next lot fell to the Nancy's mate,
And a delicate dish he made;
Then our appetite with the midshipmite
We seven survivors stayed.

"And then we murdered the bo'sun tight,
And he much resembled pig,
Then we wittled free, did the cook and me,
On the crew of the captain's gig.

"Then only the cook and me was left,
And the delicate question, 'Which
Of us two goes to the kettle?' arose
And we argued it out as sich.

"For I loved that cook as a brother, I did,
And the cook he worshipped me;
But we'd both be blowed if we'd either be stowed
In the other chap's hold, you see.

"'I'll be eat if you dines off me,' says Tom,
'Yes, that,' says I, 'you'll be,' --
'I'm boiled if I die, my friend,' quoth I,
And 'Exactly so,' quoth he.

"Says he, 'Dear James, to murder me
Were a foolish thing to do,
For don't you see that you can't cook me,
While I can -- and will -- cook you!'

"So he boils the water, and takes the salt
And the pepper in portions true
(Which he never forgot) and some chopped shallot
And some sage and parsley too.

"'Come here,' says he, with a proper pride,
Which his smiling features tell,
' 'Twill soothing be if I let you see,
How exceedingly nice you'll smell.'

"And he stirred it round and round and round,
And he sniffed at the foaming froth;
When I ups with his heels, and smothers his squeals
In the scum of the boiling broth.

"And I eat that cook in a week or less,
And -- as I eating be
The last of his chops, why, I almost drops,
For a wessel in sight I see!

"And I never grin, and I never smile,
And I never larf nor play,
But I sit and croak, and a single joke
I have -- which is to say:

"Oh, I am a cook and a captain bold,
And the mate of the Nancy's brig,
And a bo'sun tight, and a midshipmite,
And the crew of the captain's gig!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ed T
Date: 10 Nov 09 - 05:56 PM

Curious if any of you folks covered (or memoriozed) the poem "The Yarn of the Nancy Bell" by W. S. Gilbert in school?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 10 Nov 09 - 05:22 PM

Amos,

In my NPS and USFS days I used to have to occasionally order things from the GSA catalog. You described it very well. The trick is figuring out that "stainless steel, wire, bent" is what they call "paper clip." (I no longer remember if this is what they call a paper clip, but it gives you the gist of the problem).


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 10 Nov 09 - 05:08 PM

You will not be killed, noble Rapaire, but you WILL have to lick my lily-white dog-shit-coated tennis sneakers. Unless the MOAB women in concord demand your complete and unqualified forgiveness for all crimes and conceits real or imaginary.,





A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Nov 09 - 04:44 PM

The wise and noble Rapaire replied, "If I have already been killed, what does it matter?"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ed T
Date: 10 Nov 09 - 04:39 PM

Minstrel: [singing] Wise and nobel Sire Rapaire rode forth from MOAB.
He was not afraid to die, oh brave Sir Rapaire.

He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways, brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Rapaire.

He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp, or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken. To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away, and his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Rapaire.
His head smashed in and heart cut out, and his liver removed, and his bowels unplugged, and his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off and his penis...*(based on Monty Python, Brave Sir Robin)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST
Date: 10 Nov 09 - 04:37 PM

Minstrel: [singing] Wise and nobel Sire Rapaire rode forth from MOAB.
He was not afraid to die, oh brave Sir Rapaire.

He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways, brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Rapaire.

He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp, or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken. To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away, and his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Rapaire.
His head smashed in and heart cut out, and his liver removed, and his bowels unplugged, and his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off and his penis...*(based on Monty Python, Brave Sir Robin)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Nov 09 - 04:01 PM

The wise and noble Rapaire, always sensitive about his honor, requested the wise and noble Little Hawk to act as his second.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 10 Nov 09 - 03:39 PM

Rolling in it, more likely...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 10 Nov 09 - 01:46 PM

hey! I just meant you'd been walking in it!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 10 Nov 09 - 01:42 PM

How sharper than a serpent's tooth is the sting of an ungrateful colleague!! Oh, man of Emms, once benevolent and astute, how quickly you have become mean and cross-eyed and even, to use another military colloquialism, fucked up. Surely you could not, in your right mind, imagine someone would wear dog turds on their feet? Surely your grasp of biochemistry is better than to draw such a comparison, and you understand the difference between canvas and fecal matter?


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ed T
Date: 10 Nov 09 - 01:41 PM

Could this be enema man?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQA9ZoHtBcw


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ed T
Date: 10 Nov 09 - 01:34 PM

Man of Enemas?
How colonic!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 10 Nov 09 - 01:05 PM

and you know why his shoes are lily white?

Ever seen a dog turd that's been out in the sun a long time?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 10 Nov 09 - 01:04 PM

No rebuttal is likely. My arguments are fastidious and impeccable, unlike the delusory sloppiness of my friends Rapaire (who still thinks of himself as "over there") and Little Hawk, who would rebut ANYTHING under the sun if only it would give him an opportunity to bloviate philosophically). Man of Emms, at least, is being candid and honorable among MOABITES. THe rest of you may lick my lily-white tennis shoes.
AKA, "Shoes, civilian, tennis, lily-white, AA, Size 10".

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 10 Nov 09 - 12:43 PM

Amoz mumbled somfin or ofver 'bout:
parsing a common expression such as "How d'you like them apples?" (a colloquialism which requires extended cultuiral literacy to recognize

yup.

but is fun messin' wit your mind.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Nov 09 - 12:29 PM

The wise, noble, and psychologically erudite Rapaire notes that Amos has taken leave of his once-acute mind and laments the loss thereof.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 10 Nov 09 - 12:29 PM

Would you like a rebuttal to that in 10 words or 10,000?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 10 Nov 09 - 12:18 PM

I spit on the shallow and uncultivated and insensitive pedantry being directed toward me.

BS in the non-scatological sense comes in streams, clouds, cascades, spurts, injections, innuendos, gales, guffaws, grunts, reams, screeds and diatribes. Common sense supports this.

ALso, really being fluent in BS requires a mastery of vernacular and colloquialism. For example there is a vernacular mode of description peculiar to the United States Armed Forces logistics departments, such as QUartermasdters, in which trails of adjectives are appended with commas to define an article. For example, "Shirts, men's, uniform B, blue, small". In a humorous vein, if one were addressing a knowledgeable, sensitive, and humor-endowed audience, one could extend this ridiculous architecture to parsing a common expression such as "How d'you like them apples?" (a colloquialism which requires extended cultuiral literacy to recognize) by, for example, presenting a parsed version as "Apples, liking of, how..." THis is definitely pure BS (and it is presented in screed form, not a pile) but absent the necessary prerequisite frameworks and education, the delicacy of it as such might easily escape the attention of an inappropriate audience. As here.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Nov 09 - 12:09 PM

The wise, noble, and grammatically erudite Rapaire notes that Amos has not, in spite of his age and education, grasped the concepts necessary for use of comparative adjectives.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 10 Nov 09 - 12:06 PM

See Amos? The girlz even know that BS don't come in apples; you're just trying to make believe you knew what you was talkin'bout.

Pfffllllltttttt!

Sincerley,

MMario


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 10 Nov 09 - 11:39 AM

Well, I was reverse engineering from the classic challenging remark about apples, liking of them, how. And I was using BS in its non-scatological sense, see?

Refresh that!

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 10 Nov 09 - 11:33 AM

Eyup.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 10 Nov 09 - 11:28 AM

RS is rabbit?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 10 Nov 09 - 10:45 AM

Amos, it is obvious you need a refersher course.

BS comes in pies or piles

HS comes in apples

RS comses in raisens


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 10 Nov 09 - 10:38 AM

6. None of the above.

When Rapaire assumes his third-person voice, he is not being himself. Stepping away from your own center is ignoble, unwise, indecorous, and ill-informed.

More wise, more noble, and more decorous by far is to own your own universe and speak from its true center.

Hod d'ye like them BS apples?


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ed T
Date: 10 Nov 09 - 10:23 AM

Wise and noble...maybe yes, maybe no....it may be open to debate.

Decorous, realistic, modest,influential... are all good questions to add?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Nov 09 - 09:29 AM

The wise and noble Rapaire agrees.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 09 Nov 09 - 11:24 PM

I love each of you to the very bottom of my feet.



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 09 Nov 09 - 10:46 PM

Next time you offer MOM Tostitos she's going to ask if you toasted those toes like you toasted the BS.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Nov 09 - 09:57 PM

The noble Rapaire believes you are putting Decartes before de horse.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ed T
Date: 09 Nov 09 - 09:48 PM

Spucatum tauri ...Flocci non facio, René


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Nov 09 - 09:04 PM

The noble Rapaire replies to Descartes, "Cogito cogito cogito, ergo cogito cogito cogito sum, cogito."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ed T
Date: 09 Nov 09 - 08:35 PM

"I concluded that I might take as a general rule the principle that all things which we very clearly and obviously conceive are true: only observing, however, that there is some difficulty in rightly determining the objects which we distinctly conceive."Rene Descartes


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Nov 09 - 08:27 PM

The noble Rapaire agrees.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 09 Nov 09 - 08:12 PM

Oh, and LH? I forgive you for being so enamoured with Bill the Shat and Wynona.

May you be blessed with an evening with Madonna.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 09 Nov 09 - 08:09 PM

I forgive you for the toasted BS, Amos.

I urge the noble Rapaire to go practice his noble forbearance with Shane.

I forgive Stilly for living in Texas.

I forgive Mmario for having so many other relatives that it distracts from his filial duties to his Siblings-in-Moab.

I forgive Khandu for midwifing this thread to begin with.

I urge BWL to make sure the kiln does not flood or have a tree fall on it, and let us know if any alligators accidently get roasted in a firing - in time for all of us to descend upon his abode for a "swamp-pig" pickin'.

And I forgive Ed T. on general principle.

Come on, Ma, let's go paint the town.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ed T
Date: 09 Nov 09 - 07:10 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oK6IEoCT24o


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 09 Nov 09 - 06:55 PM

We've been there and done that. It is correct there is no single word, but they can be rhymed., if you know where to find the righthyphen.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 09 Nov 09 - 06:47 PM

No word rhymes with month, purple, orange or silver.

That sounds like a challenge to me.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ed T
Date: 09 Nov 09 - 06:12 PM

The average person spends 1 - 2 months during a lifetime looking aimlessly into the fridge for something to eat.

No word rhymes with month, purple, orange or silver.

The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ed T
Date: 09 Nov 09 - 05:49 PM

"Kate Wilkinson sat in warm bathwater in the weird but wonderful old-fashioned porcelain tub in her New York apartment. The apartment exuded 'old' and 'worn' in ways that practitioners of shabby chic couldn't begin to imagine"
quote James Patterson

"It was sooo great. I'd go out at night with those fake boobs and people treated me differently. At first I thought it was weird, but then I got into it. Man, it's amazing what breasts do! [on using false breasts"
quote Bridget Fonda


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ed T
Date: 09 Nov 09 - 05:41 PM

"You can try to suck me dry... But, there's nothing left to suck. Just you try to hold me down Come on, try to shut me up" Gutless by Hole


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ed T
Date: 09 Nov 09 - 05:31 PM

Hey MOM,
I think he got it.
( Not to be confused with...."The rain in Spain, stays mainly in the drain").


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Nov 09 - 04:44 PM

he noble Rapaire doesn't give a flying fact whether Jimmy does or not.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ed T
Date: 09 Nov 09 - 04:38 PM

"Jimmy doesn't agree"


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