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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Acme 08 Mar 06 - 04:22 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 08 Mar 06 - 03:22 PM
GUEST,Rapaire 08 Mar 06 - 03:00 PM
Acme 08 Mar 06 - 10:42 AM
Amos 08 Mar 06 - 09:06 AM
Rapparee 08 Mar 06 - 09:03 AM
Amos 07 Mar 06 - 10:54 PM
Acme 07 Mar 06 - 10:24 PM
Rapparee 07 Mar 06 - 10:14 PM
MOAB 07 Mar 06 - 08:25 PM
Rapparee 07 Mar 06 - 07:34 PM
Amos 07 Mar 06 - 05:39 PM
MMario 07 Mar 06 - 04:16 PM
Amos 07 Mar 06 - 03:15 PM
Rapparee 07 Mar 06 - 12:44 PM
Amos 07 Mar 06 - 08:57 AM
Rapparee 06 Mar 06 - 11:27 PM
Acme 06 Mar 06 - 08:52 PM
Rapparee 06 Mar 06 - 06:40 PM
Amos 06 Mar 06 - 06:00 PM
Rapparee 06 Mar 06 - 05:20 PM
Acme 06 Mar 06 - 04:55 PM
Amos 06 Mar 06 - 02:28 PM
Acme 06 Mar 06 - 12:20 PM
Amos 06 Mar 06 - 12:09 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 06 Mar 06 - 11:22 AM
GUEST,Rapaire 06 Mar 06 - 10:42 AM
Acme 06 Mar 06 - 10:22 AM
Rapparee 06 Mar 06 - 07:34 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 05 Mar 06 - 09:15 PM
Rapparee 05 Mar 06 - 08:23 PM
Amos 05 Mar 06 - 07:48 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 05 Mar 06 - 06:37 PM
Rapparee 05 Mar 06 - 04:40 PM
Acme 05 Mar 06 - 01:57 PM
MMario 05 Mar 06 - 01:36 PM
Rapparee 05 Mar 06 - 12:42 PM
Acme 05 Mar 06 - 10:06 AM
Amos 05 Mar 06 - 09:58 AM
Rapparee 05 Mar 06 - 08:31 AM
John MacKenzie 05 Mar 06 - 05:48 AM
Acme 04 Mar 06 - 11:28 PM
Rapparee 04 Mar 06 - 08:23 PM
Amos 04 Mar 06 - 07:15 PM
GUEST,Rapaire 04 Mar 06 - 06:44 PM
Acme 04 Mar 06 - 09:57 AM
Amos 04 Mar 06 - 09:43 AM
Rapparee 04 Mar 06 - 06:27 AM
Acme 04 Mar 06 - 01:23 AM
Amos 04 Mar 06 - 12:11 AM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 08 Mar 06 - 04:22 PM

It's a very pretty state, BWL. And if they ever iron it out flat that drive from east to west on the Interstate will actually look like it feels--three times the distance that it shows on the map. All of those ups and downs and you realize the map doesn't begin to express the distances involved.

Those eastern hardwood forests are always easy on the eyes. And places like Nashville are handy for a hotel, a quick bite, or at least a place to empty the bladder and fill up your drink cup with ice and water.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 08 Mar 06 - 03:22 PM

I am glad Rapaire is goin' home. Not that Nashville isn't a real nice place or anything. It's an excellent place to drive through without stopping while on your way to someplace else. So is Memphis. So is Gatlinburg. Heck, so is the whole state of Tennessee for that matter.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Rapaire
Date: 08 Mar 06 - 03:00 PM

More later, y'all....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 08 Mar 06 - 10:42 AM

You can come catch fish in my stream in my back yard, but I don't think I'd want to eat them. Too much urban chemical activity in the area. They'd probably taste better, though, cause they eat natural fish food.

I tossed a dead bird down onto the stream bank yesterday, food for one of our displaced foxes or coyotes. Food courtesy my dogs, who caught an apparently slow dove. I suppose I could have kept it and eaten it, but didn't feel like learning how to cook one medium-sized bird. Reminds me of the essay in Mama Makes Up Her Mind about eating road kill--late model, Florida tags, intersection of a road and a state highway. This one would be "back yard bird, Edgecliff Village, semi-plucked but no punctures, slobbery with slight bruising."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 08 Mar 06 - 09:06 AM

Perhaps Rapaire is becoming a Shatner -- that sub-race of twisted souls who lurk between worlds, using their dark powers to make people try to take dumps in the wrong places and at inconvenient times? They cause accidents throughout the world. He may be showing early symptoms.

In many countries of the world, children are bullied during their potty-training years with threats that the Shatner will get them if they don't practice regularly.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Mar 06 - 09:03 AM

Mom!! MOM!! MOM!!!

I get to go home today!!

Like I told Stilly, Mom, I'm tired of thin women in spike-heel patent leather boots walking around with grossly overweight men and people in cheap fake cowboy hats and mostly, Mom, I'm tired of wannabees. I can't escape the sound of fountains and waterfalls and they won't let me tickle a catfish out of the fake stream (they're real -- and decent-sized -- catfish and carp) and clean it and nail its head to a post to skin it like Willy Nelson said to do and make a fire and cook it either. And the building with a sign on it for Gibson guitars and mandolins sells cheap souvenirs!!! and has plastic statues of two horses standing on their hind legs holding what I think are ukuleles and wearing straw hats.

Right after lunch, Mom. Right after lunch.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 Mar 06 - 10:54 PM

Well, I would have second thoughts about any guest who makes a habit of giving permission to people he doesn't know real well to poop in other people's soups, Stilly. It's like the guy who can't answer the old riddle about the difference between drapes and bum-wad. You don't want to ask him over.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 07 Mar 06 - 10:24 PM

Yeah, but that bowl of soup of Amos' isn't going anywhere near MY dining room table. . .


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Mar 06 - 10:14 PM

See? Mom understands!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MOAB
Date: 07 Mar 06 - 08:25 PM

Why yes, Mmario, you may piss in Clinton's coffee.

You may also pick up to five items from the following list and piss in them as well:

Clinton's guitar case
Clinton's guitar
Clinton's harmonica
Clinton's hat
Clinton's refrigerator
Clinton's car trunk
Clinton's left ear
Clinton's closet
Clinton's corn flakes
Clinton's wonton soup

Love,

Mom


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Mar 06 - 07:34 PM

You are free to piss in Clinton's coffee. You are free to poop in Amos's soup. You are free! Free! Free to do whatever you want to do! You need not ask permission, you are free!! You can run down the streets of Toronto stark naked shouting "WOO WOO WOO!" at the top of your voice. You can snatch the hat off an OPP and tinkle in it. You can blow your nose in a lady's feather boa.

Of course, you might get arrested, punched in the nose, and have even more unpleasant things happen to you. But you are FREE!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 Mar 06 - 05:39 PM

Yes, dear, of course you may, but remember not to drip on the linen.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 07 Mar 06 - 04:16 PM

{whinge mode ON}

MOM!



Clinton Hammond is a party-pooper! He's no fun at all. Can I May I piss in his coffee?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 Mar 06 - 03:15 PM

Rapaire:

As the world's greatest triple-tonguer, and world-class swordsman, and general all-around wrangler, freebooter and jovial freethinker and leader of men's souls, I recommend to you whole heartedly the film Don Juan de Marco, a real soul-toucher.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Mar 06 - 12:44 PM

I am my Conn and my Conn is me. We are one.

I'll refrain from telling you how I used to...college...young women...trumpet...me teaching them...never mind. Suffice to say that trumpeters have an advantage over guitar players because trumpeters learn to double and triple tongue.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 Mar 06 - 08:57 AM

Yeah. He should get down and learn from a real trumpet person like Rapaire, who practices 24/7 and is truly one with his instrument.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Mar 06 - 11:27 PM

That's 'cause Wynton Marsallis is a zombie and doesn't need to breathe.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 06 Mar 06 - 08:52 PM

Dunno. But I heard a piece on the radio by Wynton Marsallis the other day in which there were absolutely NO pauses for air. The hint from the classical DJ was "Google 'circular breathing'" so I did.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Mar 06 - 06:40 PM

That's why it gets so pooped, Amos. Alla time being a reference for itself, writing letters, sayin' nice things about itself...that sorta things wears a feller down real fast.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 06 Mar 06 - 06:00 PM

Circular breathing where the breathing doesn't make sense because it references itself going out on the way in, right? Am I right?


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Mar 06 - 05:20 PM

Circular breathing. Is that like breathing the same air over and over? Wouldn't all the oxygen get depleted out? Wouldn't the poor air get all pooped from running around in circles all day? -- I know I do. And lemme tell ya, there's nothing worse than pooped air. I remember one time up at the Legion Hovel Big Clem got some of that pooped air and it danged near did him what for. It's a sad story, that of Big Clem -- he's only four feet three inches tall and built like a straw broom -- and the pooped air, and I can't tell it all here. But just take it from me that you don't want to get involved with any pooped air. The gals 'n' guys of the Legion had prit near ta give up on Clem before they pulled him through.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 06 Mar 06 - 04:55 PM

I dropped that sentence into Word. 100 words. Puny by some standards. You don't need to take a breath with my sentence or Coe's. Just learn circular breathing.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 06 Mar 06 - 02:28 PM

And anyway, have you ever done an ultra violet survey of a deep mountain pine forest with a rampant grizzly in it? I bet not. Spores EVERYWHERE! So who's to say where safety really lies?

You couldn't get one of those room-service girls to even wipe down the outside of the grizzly with KleenAll RoomSweet, anyway -- not on a bet!!

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 06 Mar 06 - 12:20 PM

I'm a fan of Faulkner, what can I say? And that sentence is nothing compared to what Jessie Weston cranked out in her classic examination of Arthur and the Holy Grail in From Ritual to Romance, which left readers breathless for more than one reason. :)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 06 Mar 06 - 12:09 PM

Especially the Eeeeyuch at the end....if I infer the tones correctly, it is a lungful in itself!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 06 Mar 06 - 11:22 AM

My, buy that's a nice lengthy sentence there, Maggie. Joyce would be proud of you, but Hemingway would be appalled.

Oh well, can't please everyone. Just don't try to read it aloud without taking a breath.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Rapaire
Date: 06 Mar 06 - 10:42 AM

I know. I prefer grizzlies, mountain lions, and the threat of death by my own stupidity. At least then I know where I stand!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 06 Mar 06 - 10:22 AM

The idea of being pampered, of going somewhere "safe" (versus the Wilderness where safety can't be guaranteed and there is no money back if you fuck up and get eaten by a grizzly) and where you don't have to pick up after yourself isn't weighed with the factor that there are probably more predators in the resort than in the wild and if you do an ultra violet survey of the room and it's contents you'll find it a veritable petri dish of nasty germs and virtually every surface has signs of sperm from sloppy former users of the room.

Eyeuchh.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Mar 06 - 07:34 AM

Another day, another period to put up with spoiled children crashing into me in the corridors. At least dinner was good last night -- seaweed salad and sushi and Kirin Ichiban and good conversation with an old friend and colleague.

I checked ONE of the stores here yesterday, one of those that every hotel of any size has, and yes, they DO sell condoms. I was starting to wonder if folks who stayed here for the "resort" aspect of the joint ever...well, the image is to neat and clean and All-American....

This is not at all my idea of a vacation destination. Good deal that the city is paying for it.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 05 Mar 06 - 09:15 PM

Yes, Rapaire, A wards are given to the wise. F wards are given to people who cut you off in traffic.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Mar 06 - 08:23 PM

You mean, "A ward to the wise"?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 05 Mar 06 - 07:48 PM

He ain't gettin' one of those EITHER, BWL. G'wan, yer jes' makin' trubble. I see right through you.

:D


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 05 Mar 06 - 06:37 PM

Speaking of awards, when are the Wisdom Awards? You know, the ones where they give award to the wise?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Mar 06 - 04:40 PM

Awards? Tonight? Do I have to go? Why? Am I getting one?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 05 Mar 06 - 01:57 PM

the awards ceremony tonight. . .does that mean the Academy Awards? There are probably others, you know. :) (I had an NPS friend who used to kid me when I worked in New York City that to refer to "Liberty Enlightening the World" as just "THE Statue" was rather pompous, considering all of the other statues around.)


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Subject: RE: BS: Off topic for MOAB - bragging rights
From: MMario
Date: 05 Mar 06 - 01:36 PM

just to interject a total non sequiter:

one of "my" kids will be ushering at the awards ceremony tonight! Rumour has it he will be escorting Liz Taylor to her seat (but they aren't telling the ushers who will be escorting whom until later today)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Mar 06 - 12:42 PM

And now I have to find a way to place a dollar value on the library's function as a place in which to think in relative quietude!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 05 Mar 06 - 10:06 AM

I read that for a price the massage can be conducted in your room. Maybe when it's over you can keep the hot rocks and throw them at children running by in the hall.

I find I get a lot of writing done in hotel rooms, because the pressure is usually on to deliver the paper I'm finishing in the next day or two at the very same conference I'm attending.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 05 Mar 06 - 09:58 AM

SEPG represents the Software Engineering Process Group, a software engineering version of the 7th Circle of Hell. It is their unfortunate lot to pretend that if only software engineers understood what they, the Process Group, were saying and followed their processes, software would be written faster, and have fewer bugs in it, and would pass tests and meet requirements. Every member of the group has a horror story to tell about how difficult their task is, how obstreperous and misguidedly "creative" programmers insist on being, how it like herding goldfish, the long hours they have spent writing process descriptions which no-one is willing to read, and so on. I'm glad to hear they are having a little break. It will give the programmers a chance to get some real work done. Come to think of it this is a workable process! Send the process people on vacation to Nashville!

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Mar 06 - 08:31 AM

You got any idea of what would happen if I put a massage on the City's credit card? Now, I admit to being tempted -- just to see the fireworks, mind you -- but I've always tried to avoid being on the receiving end of gunfights, firefights, fist fights, dogfights, saturation bombings, artillery barrages, napalm and things like that.

Another group that's here was wearing badges that said "Christian Tours" -- the "T" in "Tours" was a cross. I don't know if that means that if you tour with them you feel crucified or what. I was polite (I am always polite, except when I'm not). A bus was outside when I went to move my (rented) car and on the side was painted "American Free Enterprise" -- fortunately, I didn't find any reason to investigate further.

SEPG, some kind of software engineering bunch, is also meeting here. And there are ravaging hoards of spoiled, nasty children running around screaming in the corridors -- I'm thinking of soaping the carpets so they skid into the walls, but I'd probably get into trouble if I got caught. So far, I've mostly stayed in my room, working on a presentation my staff has conned me into doing in April on "The Economic Value of Libraries to the Community."

You ever tried to put a dollar value on a reference question? You answer the question -- correctly, I hope -- and then try to guess what it's worth. Something like "Do you have instructions for rebuilding the carburetor in a 1972 Chevy II?" can be given an estimated value, but what about "How do you spell 'misanthrope'?" And in every case, you don't know the end of the story.

I'd better go to work. Maybe one of them massuesses makes house calls, heh heh heh....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 05 Mar 06 - 05:48 AM

Gaylord Glow Facial fer keerist's sake.
Rapaire it sounds like this is the book for you. You can also download it onto your PDA if you have Plucker installed.
If you do have a Plucker installed best no to mention it if you ever get home.
Giok


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 04 Mar 06 - 11:28 PM

Do me a favor, Rap--go take one of these massages then write back and describe it. They all sound wonderful (put it on the room tab, of course).


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Mar 06 - 08:23 PM

There are over two thousand rooms in this joint. I'm in a standard "southern hospitality" room in the Cascades section. Fortunately, I don't here the water falling. I walked out by the waterfall and noticed all sorts of people running to the bathrooms. Frankly, I can't shake the notion that this my name for this whingding is more appropriate than the official name, "Superconference 2006."

I call it "Super Con."

Next year it's at the Broadmoor in Colorado Springs, fer chrissakes!

The conference I usually go to is at the Little America hotel in Salt Lake City this coming November. My group doesn't DO resorts -- we meet, learn stuff, get work done, drink a little tiny eensy bit....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 04 Mar 06 - 07:15 PM

Confused Librarian Arrested for "Homesteading" on Local War Memorial



Nashville, March 5 A misplaced and dislocated librarian was taken into custody in the wee hours of Sunday morning when officers found him attempting to plow the greensward around the Hempstead War Memorial. The librarian, who insisted to officers that he was named only "Rapaire" and that he was the greatest librarian and swordsman in the Western hemisphere, pleaded with officers to release him on his own cognizance, stating there was serious risk that his "Mom might fall off the threads" if he did not take care of her. On investigation, however, it was determined the gentleman's mother was not in Nashville, or for that matter, anywhere in Tennessee. Authorities are awaiting responses to enquiries made to the State Bureau of Investigation in Idaho, where the librarian asserts he is domiciled, which essages were dispatched late Sunday morning by express pigeon.

...

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Rapaire
Date: 04 Mar 06 - 06:44 PM

Hi again Mom! I'm in Nashville, having wended my way through four airports and Nashville traffic to get to this hotel. I'm at the Gaylord Opryland, and Mom, there are so damned many plants I'm afraid of snipers. It's about a hundred miles from my room to the Conference and to get there I have to cross rivers and mountains and ford every stream, follow every byway, and even then you need a map, a compass, and GPS stuff. When I go out tomorrow to the Conference itself I think I'll take a backpack with extra food, shelter, matches, tinder, water, a survival rifle, a small axe, a knife, maybe a plow -- that way, if I get lost I can just homestead whereever I stop.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 04 Mar 06 - 09:57 AM

That line comes from the days when I made several cross-country trips a year and drove with a CB radio for company. The stories I could tell you. . .

What's the ugliest thing on a naked woman?


















A Roadway driver.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 04 Mar 06 - 09:43 AM

LOL, Stilly! I confess that particular variant had never crossed me ears before.

And don't start on what it feels like to go around cross-eared, now. Why is it that it is common to look cross-eyed, but few notice when you look cross-eared, cross-nostreled, cross-browed, or cross-elbowed?

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Mar 06 - 06:27 AM

I'm flying...look at me, way up high, like a bird, in the sky, I'm flying!

Well, I'd better take a shower and get dressed first. Preferably in that order.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 04 Mar 06 - 01:23 AM

And there will never be a shortage of those trucks. You know what they say--old truckers never die, they just get a new Peterbilt.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 04 Mar 06 - 12:11 AM

LOL!

BWL, you are TOO much, dude!!

A


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