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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Amos 30 Oct 12 - 10:38 AM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 30 Oct 12 - 01:07 PM
Rapparee 30 Oct 12 - 01:44 PM
gnu 30 Oct 12 - 05:36 PM
Amos 30 Oct 12 - 06:10 PM
gnu 30 Oct 12 - 06:32 PM
Amos 30 Oct 12 - 09:35 PM
Rapparee 30 Oct 12 - 11:06 PM
Rapparee 31 Oct 12 - 10:15 AM
Amos 31 Oct 12 - 10:43 AM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 31 Oct 12 - 12:35 PM
Little Hawk 31 Oct 12 - 12:50 PM
Rapparee 31 Oct 12 - 02:35 PM
gnu 31 Oct 12 - 07:41 PM
Rapparee 31 Oct 12 - 09:04 PM
Acme 31 Oct 12 - 09:57 PM
Amos 01 Nov 12 - 11:15 AM
Rapparee 01 Nov 12 - 02:12 PM
Acme 01 Nov 12 - 02:36 PM
gnu 01 Nov 12 - 02:55 PM
Amos 01 Nov 12 - 09:35 PM
Acme 02 Nov 12 - 12:09 AM
Rapparee 02 Nov 12 - 10:27 AM
gnu 02 Nov 12 - 01:31 PM
Amos 02 Nov 12 - 01:37 PM
Rapparee 02 Nov 12 - 02:12 PM
gnu 02 Nov 12 - 02:54 PM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 02 Nov 12 - 03:01 PM
Rapparee 02 Nov 12 - 06:06 PM
Acme 02 Nov 12 - 07:01 PM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 02 Nov 12 - 10:03 PM
Rapparee 02 Nov 12 - 10:22 PM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 03 Nov 12 - 12:57 AM
Rapparee 03 Nov 12 - 09:39 AM
Amos 03 Nov 12 - 10:01 AM
Rapparee 03 Nov 12 - 02:28 PM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 03 Nov 12 - 02:47 PM
Rapparee 03 Nov 12 - 05:02 PM
Rapparee 03 Nov 12 - 06:04 PM
Little Hawk 03 Nov 12 - 06:36 PM
gnu 03 Nov 12 - 06:40 PM
Rapparee 03 Nov 12 - 09:08 PM
Amos 04 Nov 12 - 01:14 AM
Rapparee 04 Nov 12 - 10:09 AM
Rapparee 04 Nov 12 - 10:52 AM
Acme 04 Nov 12 - 01:23 PM
Rapparee 04 Nov 12 - 01:33 PM
Rapparee 04 Nov 12 - 09:30 PM
Amos 05 Nov 12 - 12:38 AM
Rapparee 05 Nov 12 - 08:42 AM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 30 Oct 12 - 10:38 AM

See, your self-indulgence has ruined Mom's karma!!

Enquiring minds want to know how come the standard of Rapparree's breakfast menus for Mom have degenerated to Cream of Wheat, now? They used to be hand-woven toast with rpyal jelly and stuff like that...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 30 Oct 12 - 01:07 PM

Hey, Rap, you oughta try out that gunpowder and wood alcohol method on yer other...appendages. Rub the stuff in well, then light it up. Report back to us on how it all worked out.

- Chongo

p.s. I got dibs on yer guns if ya don't make it.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Oct 12 - 01:44 PM

Chonga, would you like my .45 Colt lever action rifle? Or the .357s?

I'll give them to you 255 grains and 158* grains, respectively, at a time.





*Sorry for the lower weight, but these parts are hollow in the tip.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 30 Oct 12 - 05:36 PM

"degenerated to Cream of Wheat"

Better read up on the nutritional value of Cream of Wheat! Good for you, it is!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 30 Oct 12 - 06:10 PM

Yeah, but hand-woven whole wheat toast made by orphans in Mongolia is a lot sexier...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 30 Oct 12 - 06:32 PM

Child porn? Eeewewwwwwweeeee!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 30 Oct 12 - 09:35 PM

Well, Rapparee likes it...and he serves it up to Mom.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Oct 12 - 11:06 PM

No, he doesn't. And I should know!

My usual breakfast is fruit, cereal, milk, bread, and butter. Just like Mr. Wizard used to tell us to eat because a good, healthy breakfast is the best start to a good, healthy day.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 Oct 12 - 10:15 AM

Yes. A big bowl of corn flakes moistened with a can of beer, watermelon infused with vodka, milk with scotch, bread with a bourbon- butter sauce. (Sometimes I have orange juice with vodka instead of the watermelon, but there's lots of pulp in the juice.)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 31 Oct 12 - 10:43 AM

I wonder what his definition of a good healthy day is after such a start!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 31 Oct 12 - 12:35 PM

I'm gonna pull out from the presidential race. I'm a private dick, not some hand-shaking grifter. I don't take no bribes, see? And I want you to know that I'm a chimp but I don't look down on humans except maybe the front of some skirt's top. They're just like chimps only dumber. You wanna know how dumb they are? They run for political office! Ook! Ook!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 31 Oct 12 - 12:50 PM

That is a very sensible decision on your part, Chongo, and I, for one, applaud it. I have felt all along that you were wasting your time and your considerable talents on seeking a totally thankless and awful job: being president of the USA. And besides, it just ain't gonna happen. Most Americans (at least the ones who vote, I mean) are so used to just trooping dutifully out every 4 years and voting for another "man in a suit" who is either a Democrat or a Republican that the chances of them voting a 3rd party Chimpanzee in are absolutely nil.

You'd be lucky if you got one 1000th of a percent of the vote nationally! So why beat your brains out on a brick wall, right?

And furthermore, if you did win by some incredible fluke of destiny, then you'd be saddled with the blame for everything that went wrong in the next 4 years....and a bunch of stuff WILL! I can guaran-dam-tee it.

So...smart move, Chongo. Just walk away whistling a happy tune, and don't look back.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 Oct 12 - 02:35 PM

Chimps can't whistle. Their faces and lips aren't made for it. Chonga could sashay away saying "Ook! Ook! Want some, big boy?", but not whistle.

Wait, Chonga could have a factory whistle attached! That would take care of all that hot air.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 31 Oct 12 - 07:41 PM

A.... "I wonder what his definition of a good healthy day is after such a start!"

Good lord, man! Surely you know? If it just evades your mind for a moment because your mind has not kicked in after a night's sleep, perhaps I could jog your senses... get thee to the can man! If not, that ain't gonna be healthy, it's gonna be messy.

Booze, cereal, milk, fruit? And, he is a sapper (semi-sapper?). He is well versed in ordnance. And that is an explosive combination.

Why, one banana might make Chongo go ape, but it could make Rap go noocleear. Daisycutters? Durandals? Pfffft! Mere farts.

Go, and Clay no More.

Yes, I have been at the Hallowed Weenie Party. Why do you ask?

BTW, did you see how that witch looked at me? I think she wants me... to rebuild her deck. Now, I wasn't born yesterday, so, I ain't gonna rebuild her deck but if she wants to come over to my place and sit on my deck, I'll consider it.

BOOOOO!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 Oct 12 - 09:04 PM

The Logical Vegetarian
       by G. K. Chesterton

    You will find me drinking rum,
    Like a sailor in a slum,
    You will find me drinking beer like a Bavarian.
    You will find me drinking gin
    In the lowest kind of inn,
    Because I am a rigid Vegetarian.

    So I cleared the inn of wine,
    And I tried to climb the sign,
    And I tried to hail the constable as "Marion."
    But he said I couldn't speak,
    And he bowled me to the Beak
    Because I was a Happy Vegetarian.

    Oh, I knew a Doctor Gluck,
    And his nose it had a hook,
    And his attitudes were anything but Aryan;
    So I gave him all the pork
    That I had, upon a fork;
    Because I am myself a Vegetarian.

    I am silent in the Club,
    I am silent in the pub,
    I am silent on a bally peak in Darien;
    For I stuff away for life
    Shoving peas in with a knife,
    Because I am at heart a Vegetarian.

    No more the milk of cows
    Shall pollute my private house
    Than the milk of the wild mares of the Barbarian;
    I will stick to port and sherry,
    For they are so very, very
    So very, very, very Vegetarian.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 31 Oct 12 - 09:57 PM

Need to make some oatmeal overnight (in the crock pot). I'm going to add some raisins - MOM, do you want some?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Nov 12 - 11:15 AM

Mom just had a rich breakfast of shirred and coddled eggs and brandy.   Now, I don't know what shirred and coddled are but they certainly sound de luxe, I mean, don't they?
There are some dishes that when you order them, you just give yourself away as a person who has Been Places and Knows Things. And, you know, you just can't fake these things. Breeding tells, and the truth shines through no matter how hard you try to cover it up. You could ask Rapp, he knows.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Nov 12 - 02:12 PM

Amos, my usual breakfast is not at all what I wrote earlier. In truth it often consists of a pot of Jamaica Blue Mountain Coffee (pressed brewed), freshly baked marionberry or black raspberry cinnamon rolls with farm-made butter, a three-egg cheese omelet (aged Tillamook sharp cheddar, Vidalia onions, and mild green peppers grown on a small farm in Southern Colorado), fresh Basque chorizo, and glass of freshly squeezed orange juice from oranges grown outside of Phoenix, Arizona. This is served on Noritake china that was made as a wedding gift to use; the dishes and silverware (Rambler Rose pattern) is laid on an Irish lace tablecloth which was made over a period of ten years by cloistered nuns in a convent outside Kildare, County Kildare, Ireland. Music being known to help the digestion as well as being conducive to good conversation, we have a local string quartet playing some quiet Baroque pieces while we enjoy breakfast.

I really shouldn't have misled you like that, nor should I let you think that the above (this morning's menu) is repeated every day. Diversity in meals is a good thing and so, of course, we do vary our menus from day to day.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 01 Nov 12 - 02:36 PM

Makes my steel-cut oats with raisins, brown sugar and milk sound kind of pedestrian, doesn't it?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 01 Nov 12 - 02:55 PM

So, Rap... Pop-Tarts and beer tomorrow?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Nov 12 - 09:35 PM

Nah, I think he'll go for the Lego Waffles soaked in rotgut bourbon...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 02 Nov 12 - 12:09 AM

I'm thinking of the scene in Jane Eyre when she begs for the bowl of oatmeal that a girl is going to throw to the pigs. It would read so differently if the girl was going to throw Pop Tarts to the pigs. . .


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Nov 12 - 10:27 AM

I once got an orange for Christmas that wasn't completely moldy. I hardly knew what to do with such riches! Another Christmas I was given an ever-so-shiny spoon just for my own use -- I didn't have to share it with my siblings and while the handle was broken off there was still enough to hold onto if I was careful!

But the nicest gift was the blanket-with-holes-in-it. It was wool and when I wore it to school the other kids were jealous because it had the words "TB Sanatorium" on it and the holes weren't very big, but it was kind of stiff in places where it was stuck together kinda like the hankies some of us used after they'd dried.

Ah, the memories....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 02 Nov 12 - 01:31 PM

Oddly enough, Mum was telling me (again.. she's 86) about the Chrisdtmas ALL six daughters got an orange. They weren't moldy. I must ask her if the sons got moldy oranges.

Now, the year she got new shoes for her birthday was a definite highlight. She was about 8 years old and told she could pick them out. She wanted fancy looking ones that would be ruined if they got wet. Me Mere pointed that out and Mum said she would wear her old shoes in bad weather. Me Mere told her that her old shoes would be passed on when she got the new ones. Mum pointed out there were no sisters that could use hand-me-downs and Me Mere ensured her that there was. Mum opted for the "sensible" shoes and was instructed that she should never say anything if she saw her old shoes again. It puzzled her but, back then, you did what you were told. The next time she saw her old shoes they were on the feet of a girl that lived up the street a ways... a "sister" who needed those old shoes. A valuable lesson indded.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Nov 12 - 01:37 PM

I feel for Rapp and am sending him a really nice surprise--his very own case of fluffy white T.P., which he doesn't have to share!! He can keep it all for himself. We've been collecting it for him in a special box, and it has never been used for a second time, just the once. Most of it, you couldn't even tell. Happy Christmas, my boy!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Nov 12 - 02:12 PM

Thank you, Amos.

For years we used the "single sheet folded in quarters with a hole in the middle for your finger" method. We used it with whatever paper we could find: newsprint, catalogs, badly counterfeited money, whatever homework you could swipe off a desk at school, some old watercolors my mother had by some guy named "Gaugin" or something, labels off broken bottles and so on. Sometimes we had to wash the paper and reuse it, and that creek water was cold in the winter and the stones were icy! We made our own soap, of course, from homemade lye and rancid fats we'd collect from road killed animals.

Ah, the poverty of my happy youthful days!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 02 Nov 12 - 02:54 PM

"We've been collecting it for him in a special box, and it has never been used for a second time, just the once. Most of it, you couldn't even tell."

Is it authographed by Sheryl Crow?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 02 Nov 12 - 03:01 PM

Tell us about yer clothes back in them days, Rap.

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Nov 12 - 06:06 PM

Well, Chonga, my brothers wore hand-me-downs from circus chimpanzees and organ-grinders' monkeys. Ugly clothes, those, and usually full of fleas. Often I wore only my precious blanket; we shared a sock and in the winter a rubber boot because we couldn't afford a pair of anything. We got the socks from a local business that catered to the needs of one-legged men; we found the rubber boot in the trash behind the hospital and after we took the foot out it served us well for years.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 02 Nov 12 - 07:01 PM

My mother's high school prom dress was sent to Norway by her step-mother. It was worn by several young women in their village as a wedding dress. I don't know if it was sent right after the prom, or once WWII was started. They had a practical bent, didn't fool with recycled paper and molding oranges. . .


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 02 Nov 12 - 10:03 PM

Boy, you are almost makin' me cry with these hearbreakin' tales of yer youth, Rap.

Okay...now I am wonderin' what you wore the first time you took a girl out? I'm bettin' you wore nothin' but a barrel (with no bottom) and you picked a sprig of dandelion flowers for her. Am I close?

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Nov 12 - 10:22 PM

No, Chonga, you'd be wrong. It was a simple nosegay of wild violets.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 03 Nov 12 - 12:57 AM

Now yer showin' more class than I woulda thought, Rap. I'm bettin' yer parents were pretty proud of how ya turned out after such a rough start in life.

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Nov 12 - 09:39 AM

Chonga, my parents died before I was born. My brothers and sister and I were orphans. As the oldest I tried to teach them right from wrong and which fork to use and not to bust a cap on someone who beat you at jacks and which wine should be served with what dish, and I think I did an okay job. I like to think that, had they lived, my parents would have been proud of me, yes.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 03 Nov 12 - 10:01 AM

It was sad; both his parents died at conception, in what can only be described as mysterious positions.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Nov 12 - 02:28 PM

Particularly since it was THEIR conception, not mine. You see, my parents never met because they died before they were born. All of my ancestors did, as did their children (except for me and my siblings). I think it might be a genetic thing, or maybe it's because of that curse that a gyđja placed upon the family when my great x 109 grandfather caused her cake to fall.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 03 Nov 12 - 02:47 PM

Yers is an amazin' story of strugglin' on despite the odds, Rap, overcomin' a difficult childhood, survivin' travails that woulda killed most people, and finally endin' up as a semi-successful nobody in a library in a place that no one can remember the name of! ;-D Ook! Ook!

It's such an amazin' story that I think you oughta write a book. Then run for president. But first you gotta wait for me to get elected and straighten things out in this country. After that I think you should take a shot at it. After all, humble beginnin's are a big asset to a presidential candidate, right? Look what they did for Lincoln.

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Nov 12 - 05:02 PM

Chonga, you withdrew a few days ago. Were you so soused you're just now sobering up?

No one has more humble beginnings than I do. Nor is anyone so humble. I'm proud of my humility! Say it long and say it loud, I'm humble and I am proud!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Nov 12 - 06:04 PM

I'm cataloging my books, and have loaded (so far) 711 titles. The software I'm using allows me to assign a book to a "folder" which acts as a subject heading in a library.

One of the subjects I use is "Cartoons and Comics." I find it interesting that as a scroll down the list I know that when I reach "Canada" I'll soon get to "Cannibalism - North America" and shortly after that is the subject I want.

Yes, I really do have at least one book on cannibalism, head-hunting and human sacrifice in North America. It includes recipes.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Nov 12 - 06:36 PM

What a great resource to have, Rap.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 03 Nov 12 - 06:40 PM

Cannabis?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Nov 12 - 09:08 PM

Yeah, that too. But of course I only know about it from reading.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 04 Nov 12 - 01:14 AM

HE swears he never inhaled any of the books he has on the subject.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Nov 12 - 10:09 AM

Of course not! As Sir Francis Bacon so famously put it, "Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed, and some few to be chewed and digested."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Nov 12 - 10:52 AM

I found this poem in an old book. It truly and deeply touched me and I am sure that it will do the same for you.

A Little Milkmaid
by Anna Boynton Averill

Our little buff cow, Buttercup,
Has large eyes, dark and soft and meek;
Her horns in pretty curves come up,
Her coat is fine and sleek.

Her limbs are slender like a deer's,
Her voice is like a mellow horn;
Her tail is tufted, and her ears --
I drive her night and morn.

All day, upon the hills she loves,
You hear her bell through brake and broom;
Her heart is gentle as a dove's,
Her breath is sweet as clover-bloom.

The apples with the crumpled cheeks
The blush to dully in the tree
I pluck for her; she never speaks
Her thanks, but she believes in me.

It is so deep in summer now,
The pasture-bars are almost hid
In daisies, where I call my cow,
And listen to the katydid.

"Co, co, come up, fair Buttercup!"
I call; and soon her mellow "moo"
Across the flowers she follows up,
And we go homeward through the dew.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 04 Nov 12 - 01:23 PM

Birdie with a yellow bill
Hopped upon my window sill
Cocked his shining eye and said
Get up Get up you Sleepyhead!
(RLS, I do believe)

vs (I think Alan King did this)

Birdie with a yellow bill
Hopped upon my window sill
I lured him in with crumbs and bread
And smashed him on his crumby head.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Nov 12 - 01:33 PM

Birdy with a yellow bill
You will soon my tummy fill.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Nov 12 - 09:30 PM

Godd bless Mommy -- I know that's right
Wasn't it fun in the bath tonight?
       --Whoever it was who wrote "Winnie the Pooh"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 05 Nov 12 - 12:38 AM

Birdy with a yellow beak
Scrape the glass and make it squeak
Shatter, thus, the deep repose
Of Rapparree in his clothes.
See him jump like startled plover
Rising from a bad hangover
Fumbling for the bedside light
He wonders where he was last night.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Nov 12 - 08:42 AM

Last line's wrong. Substitute "who" for "where".


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