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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Acme 06 Mar 07 - 12:00 PM
Rapparee 06 Mar 07 - 08:55 AM
Acme 06 Mar 07 - 12:18 AM
Amos 05 Mar 07 - 08:35 PM
Amos 05 Mar 07 - 01:36 PM
MMario 05 Mar 07 - 12:49 PM
Rapparee 05 Mar 07 - 12:42 PM
MMario 05 Mar 07 - 12:40 PM
Amos 05 Mar 07 - 12:34 PM
Acme 05 Mar 07 - 10:18 AM
Amos 05 Mar 07 - 09:59 AM
MMario 05 Mar 07 - 09:16 AM
Rapparee 05 Mar 07 - 09:03 AM
Acme 05 Mar 07 - 12:34 AM
Acme 05 Mar 07 - 12:29 AM
Amos 04 Mar 07 - 11:43 PM
Rapparee 04 Mar 07 - 05:21 PM
Amos 04 Mar 07 - 12:55 PM
Amos 04 Mar 07 - 12:43 PM
Rapparee 04 Mar 07 - 12:41 PM
Amos 04 Mar 07 - 11:38 AM
Rapparee 04 Mar 07 - 10:29 AM
Acme 03 Mar 07 - 11:35 PM
Acme 03 Mar 07 - 04:27 PM
Rapparee 03 Mar 07 - 12:59 PM
Rapparee 03 Mar 07 - 11:51 AM
Rapparee 03 Mar 07 - 11:50 AM
Amos 03 Mar 07 - 11:29 AM
Amos 03 Mar 07 - 10:59 AM
Acme 03 Mar 07 - 12:02 AM
Rapparee 02 Mar 07 - 06:33 PM
Amos 02 Mar 07 - 05:05 PM
MMario 02 Mar 07 - 12:37 PM
Rapparee 02 Mar 07 - 12:32 PM
Amos 02 Mar 07 - 11:07 AM
Rapparee 02 Mar 07 - 09:08 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 02 Mar 07 - 08:13 AM
Bunnahabhain 02 Mar 07 - 06:32 AM
Rapparee 01 Mar 07 - 08:57 PM
Acme 01 Mar 07 - 08:36 PM
Rapparee 01 Mar 07 - 05:39 PM
Amos 01 Mar 07 - 04:31 PM
GUEST,CRT&D, Attorneys-At-Law 01 Mar 07 - 03:56 PM
Amos 01 Mar 07 - 03:01 PM
Amos 01 Mar 07 - 01:30 PM
MMario 01 Mar 07 - 01:22 PM
Amos 01 Mar 07 - 01:16 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 01 Mar 07 - 01:04 PM
MMario 01 Mar 07 - 12:40 PM
Rapparee 01 Mar 07 - 12:18 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 06 Mar 07 - 12:00 PM

When you go out for a pint, you need the help of Nurse Ratched, eh?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Mar 07 - 08:55 AM

Mom, last night at fencing I was in three bouts. I lost two of them, so I would have had 13 holes in me if we would have been using pointy swords instead of blunted epees. I won the last one 5-3, but the lost the other first two 3-5 and 4-5. All of my inside liquids would have leaked out, Mom, and made a real mess on the gym floor and they probably would have made me clean it up before I went to the hospital or the funeral home. Back in the Old Days I understand that corks were required equipment in your fencing bag.

Nowadays we barely have a first aid kit.

'Tis not as deep as a well nor as wide as a church door, but 'twil serve, 'twil serve. Ask for me tomorrow and you will find me a grave man.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 06 Mar 07 - 12:18 AM

MOM is just scratching her head in amazement at the volume, quality, and volubility of her boys this week. Must be something she put in their oatmeal for breakfast.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 05 Mar 07 - 08:35 PM

Ok, ok, I'll stop writing about that sort of stuff, but be nice to your Mom.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 05 Mar 07 - 01:36 PM

Those forefathers bold, who all begat,
They never wore no damned French hat,
They all begat like Old Niagara
Without a dose of damn Viagra.

They reproduced, and knew just why,
The Lord said, "Go, and multiply"
And men of plughs, and men of sword,
Knew better than to cross the Lord.

So when their damsels cried for rest,
Six tykes to feed, and one at breast,
Those olden patriarchs replied,
"Lie down, Betsy -- God knows best!"

But now that Godhood's out of favor
Their lives have earned a betterflavor,
Life with less stress, is somewhat sweeter
Thanks to gun-powder and saltpetre.

So now the men sit 'round and schmoose
And sing them Hesitation Blues,
The ladies steal those Viagra pills,
And feed them to them poor E-muze.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 05 Mar 07 - 12:49 PM

Gimmee that old time Viagra
Gimmee that old time Viagra
Gimmee that old time Viagra
it's good enough for me...

But it wasn't for old Priapus
Who never didn't have it up
So he left it for the rest of us
and that's good enough for me!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Mar 07 - 12:42 PM

Gimme that old time Viagra
Gimme that old time Viagra
Gimme that old time Viagra
It's good enough for me.

It was good enough for Abraham
It was good enough for Abraham
It was good enough for Abraham
And it's good enough for me
(CH)

It was good enough for Solomon
etc.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 05 Mar 07 - 12:40 PM

truth be told - Gustav was just exhausted.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 05 Mar 07 - 12:34 PM

I want Big Bird Viagara
Oh, Big Bird Viagara,
Big Bird Viagara,
Fast as light and strong as hell.

Gimme Big Bird Viagara!
Big Bird Viagara!
Big Bird VIagara!
To make my ostrich well.

Swell, swell, swell!
Make my ostrich well.

Them idle-handed no-good slackers
Settin' off them firecrackers,
Blew my emu's self-esteem,
Sixteen ways to hell.
So I want Big Bird VIagara
Big Bird Viagara
Gimme Big Bird Viagara,
To make my Ostrich well.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 05 Mar 07 - 10:18 AM

What timing! I was going to put this in my "I Read it in the Newspaper" thread, but it fits here perfectly:

Teens Accused of Making Ostrich Impotent
March 05, 2007

BERLIN - Three teenagers may be on the hook for a hefty fine if a court decides that their festive firecrackers outside an eastern German farm scared the libido right out of an ostrich named Gustav. Rico Gabel, a farmer in Lohsa, northeast of Dresden, is claiming $6,450 in damages for the alleged antics of the three youths, ages 17-18, between Dec. 27 and 29, 2005. According to his lawsuit, the farmer claims that fireworks set off by the boys made the previously lustful Gustav both apathetic and depressed, and thus unable to perform for a half-a-year with his two female breeding partners.

Before Gustav regained his sex drive in the second half of the year, the farmer estimates he lost out on 14 ostrich offspring - worth $460 apiece.

The suit is due to be heard next Monday in a regional court in nearby Bautzen, the court said Monday. The teenagers' names were not released.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 05 Mar 07 - 09:59 AM

I've seen men fit their manly forms
With codpiece, gourdand cattle horns.
But I declare, I've never seen
A "tool" bedecked with aubergine.

(Kinda brings the term "eggplant" into a new light, dunnit?)

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 05 Mar 07 - 09:16 AM

Take no scorn to wear the horn,
for Aubergines with horns were born
Your father's father ate them
and your father ate them too!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Mar 07 - 09:03 AM

Out here, when a man moves to Idaho he's automatically issued a horn from a Texas Longhorn. Well, two really -- one for everyday and a second for formal wear.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 05 Mar 07 - 12:34 AM

More modest than gourds, though.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 05 Mar 07 - 12:29 AM

I was going to suggest that if you don't have any fig leaves up there in Pocatello that you can offer them each an aubergine to preserve their modesty. But visualizing that is just too strange. . .


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 04 Mar 07 - 11:43 PM

Well, I have a confession to make, Rapaire. I actually answered the nice lady with your name and address. So if a clutch of Bantu-like basketball players show up on your doorstep naked, that's why. I knew you could handle it.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Mar 07 - 05:21 PM

That nice lady in Nigeria can help with that wish, Amos.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 04 Mar 07 - 12:55 PM

Hey, Mom!

Friday night I spent 1 1/2 hours free from the earth's surly bonds toward evening, and just as the sun set there was a full moon in full view, the dappled bloodred sunset out across the Pacific, and the twinkling lights of civilization around Palomar mountain down below, and I was driving the plane, doing little swoops and dips and climbs and enjoying it very very very much!! We hung above the thoroughfares and dwellings twinkling in the twilight at 4500 feet, swept through a huge box of space, touched down at Palomar airport, took off, and did it all again.

Then we headed out over the blue-black evening sea and headed south in fading light under the moon, along the faintly glowing line of the ocean's surf on the sand and rocks almost a mile below. We flew high over Mount Soledad with her two red radio-tower lights blinking homily in the dusk, and swung back easterly, found the landing strip and in due course came down at Montgomery Field as darkness settled down for the night. I can fly! An image of Mary Martin swinging from the wires over the audience at Carnegie Hall comes to mind. "I'm FLYING!".

Scary how much you have to remember though!! And how much it costs.

Then yesterday we spent two hours talking plans with a landscape dude.

I wish I were very rich.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 04 Mar 07 - 12:43 PM

A nice geriatric generality, old pal. Everything I write is true, too. Even when it implis what you write is not!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Mar 07 - 12:41 PM

Everything I write, Amos, is true. Even the stuff that isn't is.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 04 Mar 07 - 11:38 AM

Don't get Rapaire started on the set of propositions which are true. We'll e here all night!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Mar 07 - 10:29 AM

All of the foregoing and more is true.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 03 Mar 07 - 11:35 PM

Eggplant Orgy on Idaho Public Library Lawn

Late Breaking News

Pocatello police surrounded the block in which the public library is situated after an anonymous call from a nearby pay phone alerted them to an unusual picnic on the facility's front lawn. Officer Dana, a police spokeswoman, said that a combination of activities, each harmless in its own way, coincided to create a public nuisance and a copious amount of vegetable trash.

"A man with a rapier, identified as a library employee, possibly the man in charge, was seen swaggering on the lawn with a number of large what he kept calling "aubergines" skewered on his sword." Not an offense in itself, she noted "but he was taunting a number of people who were waving guitars and trumpets at him, and this weird dog/duck thing was barking and quacking and disappearing." Officer Dana seemed a bit dazed by the evening's events and was escorted from the scene by a man she had arrested earlier in the evening as drunk and disorderly. This reporter heard Mr. "Shane" offering her a beer and suggesting that "some broke-dick mamalucca at Mudcat" was responsible.

Nothing is known of "Mudcat" and a call placed to Homeland Security has not been returned.

Film at eleven.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 03 Mar 07 - 04:27 PM

Brrr! Mom, it's cold outside! It looks warm, but that wind, it whips away any heat you get from standing in the sun and it makes your eyes water. I guess we're lucky we didn't get what the upper Midwest got--again. Is MMario still buried in snow?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Mar 07 - 12:59 PM

Of course, there's really not much point to it since God already knows the winner.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Mar 07 - 11:51 AM

Of course, when God loses s/he also wins. And vice-versa. Likewise the Universe, and vice-versa.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Mar 07 - 11:50 AM

If not the Universe, they WHO is God gonna shot craps with? Huh?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 03 Mar 07 - 11:29 AM

God: "Come on, DICE!"
Universe: "Snake eyes! Gimme!"


A strange sort of God, indeed, and perhaps a deep reflection on the godhead within us all.

As an aspiring godlet, Rapaire, can you explain how the Infinite-made-Person would go about ensuring that his dice-creation was capable of misbehaving against the wishes of his Dice-Player creation to the benefit of his Universe-as-dice-opponent creation? Does he have to divide Himself up into blind fractions to have such a Game?

'Twas ever thus...as above, so below.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 03 Mar 07 - 10:59 AM

Let us bow our heads in mournful silence,
Thinking of friends to long unseen;
And vow to make our home befitting of them,
By banning any posts on aubergine.
For MOABites can be both crude and rasty,
And sometimes sharp, occasionally mean;
But never has the MOAB turned all nasty
Except when writing posts on aubergines.
The aubergine is futile and misleading,
The weirdest, strangest food you've ever seen.
So let us turn ouor thoughts away from eating,
And our doggerels away from aubergine.

Thornton Pawsucker
Aesop's Future
Canton, Timidaed, Usshere
Harlem, 1936


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 03 Mar 07 - 12:02 AM

It seems to me that we are WAY overdue for a visit from Rustic Rebel. We could use some of her wit to mediate the aubergine craze.

And Teresa? Has anyone heard from her in a coon's age? Is she still out chasing bats in Las Vegas?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Mar 07 - 06:33 PM

"Mother is the cooking over? Mother is the cooking done?
Thousands, thousands have been fried, they say;
Is our aubergine winning? Tell me,
Has our recipe gain'd the day?

Is all well or has he burned it?
Mother do you think of aubergine?
If you know, I pray you tell me,
All about our aubergine, all about our aubergine!

Ah! I see you cannot tell me,
Our aubergine's among the lost;
Altho' we lov'd it very dearly,
With liver it should ne'er be tossed, with liver it should ne'er be tossed.

             --Prof. Willard Cloves, "Songs of Our Town and Times"
               (Hayfork, California: The University Press), 1904


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Mar 07 - 05:05 PM

I am delighted to see Rapaire finally reflecting on the responsibility to be taken for his wayward ways, even though it is being reflected on others up to now.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 02 Mar 07 - 12:37 PM

oh give me a home, where the aubergines roam
and the BS flows purt' much all day....
where seldom is heard
a true rational word
and [certain people I can't name without undue chance of attracting his attention to the regret of everyone ever reading this thread) stays far away.....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Mar 07 - 12:32 PM

It's only a rose from my mother's grave
That I'd planted long long ago
I pulled it from a stem, where it used to wave
With a windward soft and low

It's only a flower white and so fair
That she used to love so well
Sweet were the perfume that filled the air
Round her grave down in the dell

It's only a rose, a fragrant white rose
That bloomed on my mother's grave
Peace to her soul and blessed reposed
With a bright rose above her way

Only a rose from my mother's grave
A flower she loved when here
I shall press it away in a book and save
Bloom will never end in years

For mother was like this snow white rose
Gentle at heart and lovely too
Soon came the twilight with repose
Angels made her bed and knew

Only a rose from my mother's grave
Kissed by dew from heaven up above
Over her form it used to wave
In its tenderness and love

Only a rose, but through the years
We've been in some hollow shrine
Often our eyes will fill with tears
Gazing on this flower divine


Boys, take it from an old cowhand. Be good to yer mother. Don't never give her cause fer grief. Oh, if I'd only known that a'fore'n I left home to drink whiskey, gamble, and dally with the ladies! I'm sure I broke the old lady's tender heart, since I was her oldest son. Many's the time I made her weep, and iffen I could only live them times over I'd do it different, I swear! Fer one thing, I wouldn't git caught and fer another if I did I'd blame ma brother. Or Amos. It's all their fault anyways.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Mar 07 - 11:07 AM

I've been all around this crazy world,
I've ridden trains and bombs
I've gambled hard on sea and land,
But I never let down mah Mom

Don't let your Mom go down, boys
Don't let your Mom go down!
No matter how much gloom, don't stay there in your room,
Just don't let your Mom go down!


Trad.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Mar 07 - 09:08 AM

It's not just probablility, but also relevancy. Problematic relevancy with relevant probability, seasoned with just a teeny-tiny touch of God playing dice with the Universe.

This is a fact, because I've been there and seen it.

God: "Come on, DICE!"
Universe: "Snake eyes! Gimme!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 02 Mar 07 - 08:13 AM

It's Gluon. The high level of improbability associated with him rubs off on the Google ads.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 02 Mar 07 - 06:32 AM

Please ignore anything I say until at least Monday, as I shall be sleep deprived, distracted, almost certainly less than sober, and this is assuming I am not abducted by Morris dancers, in which case all bets are off.

Now, if anyone knows why Google is trying to sell us Grass seed, I'll be impressed. I am sure there is some logic behind the random things it offers..


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Mar 07 - 08:57 PM

It's far too complicated to explain. Here.

Read it yourself.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 01 Mar 07 - 08:36 PM

Gluon! Get down off that law's suit!

Here--have a nice tort instead.

Sorry, Misters Infection. She does that sometimes.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Mar 07 - 05:39 PM

Ah, Amos...tumor (swelling), rubor (redness), calor (heat), and dolor (pain) are the classical signs of infection.

It weren't me, dude.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Mar 07 - 04:31 PM

Dear Sirs:

I believe I have met Dolor in my many travels but I know nothing of his other partners.

I feel I cannot, in good faith, honor your pretentious and swaggering demand, as I have sound reason to believe that you, yourselves, are a mere figment of Rapaire's perfervid and often misguided imaginings.

Should he so move you as to fulfill your dull-witted banderlog threat, I shall bring evidence to show it was lodged under false pretences by a fictitious entity who, as such, has no standing in a suit against a corporeal entity.

Furthermore, should you in some slimy, underhanded and vicious manner seek to declaim such grounds or see them overthrown, I shall rejoin and rebut on the irrefutable grounds that the author -- whom you claim to represent -- is himself a fictitious entity, albeit a far subtler one, derived from my own creative fiores and no other source. As your representations are therefore in the interest of a fictitious entity, should you somehow manage to persuade any part of the Court to your case, I shall countersue for fraud (suit on behalf of a non-corporeal entity) and shall pay all fees and damages I may incur with money of the same kind, borrowed from my daughter's Monopoly box. As, indeed, are ALL his works published and otherwise, his publishers, their pages and coverboards, and all their readers with two exceptions amongst which you may not number yourselves.

I remain, Sirs, your humble and devoted servant,

A. H. Jessup


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,CRT&D, Attorneys-At-Law
Date: 01 Mar 07 - 03:56 PM

Rubor, Calor, Tumor and Dolor
Attorneys-At-Law
1432 Pike Street Market
Seattle, Washington

Dear Sirs and/or Madams,

It has come to our attention that a poem from Wilford Gangagley Nuffsaid Junior's "Woudst Whimper a While With Me?" has been quoted in full, albeit with attribution, in this thread on this Website.

This particular work is currently the subject of a lawsuit and we, as attorneys for the Plaintiff, must demand that you quote nothing more of it until the decision of the Court is made, all appeals have been exhausted, and the United States Supreme Court has ruled.

Should you fail to honor this request we will ask for the issuance of a bench warrant for Contempt of Court.

For your reference the case is Nuffsaid v. Nuffsaid.

Sincerely yours,

Reuben Calor
Senior Partner,
Rubor, Calor, Tumor and Dolor.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Mar 07 - 03:01 PM

Of quarks and charm and ions I have seen,
Of mystic dog-ducks and of aubergine,
Of musty tomes, and of varied lands,
Of engines screaming steam to make 12 grand,
Of blades and songs and poems, and their thieving,
Of spatula delight and wintry grieving,
Of all these things, across our many shores
I've written much, and gone and writ some more.
I've talked of Tao and mystic Jayne and Shinto,
Of Rapaire's couch, astride a rusty Pinto,
Of smokey taverns where the Goddess sat,
And Little Hawks obsession with the Shat.
Of all these myriad topics,now, I tire
And to another realm of writing I aspire;
I yearn to pass the shimmering MOAB fence
And write somewhere where writing things makes sense!
Where art and craft are honored there,
And not just stolen and repainted by Rapaire.
To such a land my gaze in hope doth turn,
And finds it not; and to B.S. returns.
Returns, returns, and to B.S. returns,
A land where hero's strife the merest trifle earns.
Where men may languish where their souls have burned,
And so to MOAB's home, I have returned.

Wilford Gangagley Nuffsaid Junior
Woudst Whimper a While With Me? and Other Poems
Jejeune, Callow and Gawking, Manketo, MN, 2001


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Mar 07 - 01:30 PM

Hooking up Rapaire has been known to have that effect on various life forms.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 01 Mar 07 - 01:22 PM

Looking at the probabilities - you will note that Gluon carries a great deal of uncertainty; almlost as much as an Aubergine. Gluon was female when first spotted; but in a later encounter with Rapaire was definately male.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Mar 07 - 01:16 PM

Which means in all probability, he has been doing it forever...


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 01 Mar 07 - 01:04 PM

Perhaps it is more correctly stated that "On April 20th, we shall have been aware of Gluon's existence for two years." I doubt the concept of "age" applies to our dear Gluon. Afterall, he is able to pop in and out of existence at any point along the space-time continuum.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 01 Mar 07 - 12:40 PM

Do people realize that on April 20th Gluon will be two years old?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Mar 07 - 12:18 PM

Take these eager lips and let me taste
I'm afraid this kind of joy can't last
How can we keep good taste alive
How can anything survive
When these little minds tear you in two
What a chef without training can do

How can we keep good taste alive
How can anything survive
When these little minds tear you in two
What a chef without training can do

No, it isn't very aubergine what a chef without haute cuisine can do.


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