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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Amos 12 Nov 05 - 08:35 PM
Rapparee 12 Nov 05 - 07:29 PM
Rapparee 12 Nov 05 - 11:15 AM
Acme 12 Nov 05 - 10:06 AM
Amos 12 Nov 05 - 09:56 AM
Acme 12 Nov 05 - 09:38 AM
Rapparee 12 Nov 05 - 08:04 AM
Acme 11 Nov 05 - 10:09 PM
Rapparee 11 Nov 05 - 08:53 PM
Little Hawk 11 Nov 05 - 06:56 PM
Amos 11 Nov 05 - 03:54 PM
Acme 11 Nov 05 - 12:27 PM
Rapparee 11 Nov 05 - 11:56 AM
Little Hawk 11 Nov 05 - 11:51 AM
MMario 11 Nov 05 - 10:29 AM
Amos 11 Nov 05 - 09:45 AM
Rapparee 11 Nov 05 - 09:21 AM
Rapparee 10 Nov 05 - 06:52 PM
Amos 10 Nov 05 - 05:45 PM
Amos 10 Nov 05 - 05:09 PM
Rapparee 10 Nov 05 - 04:48 PM
Amos 10 Nov 05 - 04:09 PM
MMario 10 Nov 05 - 11:39 AM
Rapparee 10 Nov 05 - 11:37 AM
MMario 10 Nov 05 - 11:33 AM
Rapparee 10 Nov 05 - 11:16 AM
MMario 10 Nov 05 - 10:54 AM
Acme 10 Nov 05 - 10:26 AM
Amos 10 Nov 05 - 09:55 AM
Rapparee 10 Nov 05 - 09:02 AM
Acme 10 Nov 05 - 12:14 AM
Amos 09 Nov 05 - 11:23 PM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 09 Nov 05 - 07:05 PM
Amos 09 Nov 05 - 06:48 PM
Little Hawk 09 Nov 05 - 06:29 PM
Acme 09 Nov 05 - 05:55 PM
Rapparee 09 Nov 05 - 05:52 PM
Bunnahabhain 09 Nov 05 - 05:20 PM
Rapparee 09 Nov 05 - 03:52 PM
MMario 09 Nov 05 - 03:44 PM
Rapparee 09 Nov 05 - 03:41 PM
Amos 09 Nov 05 - 03:26 PM
Rapparee 09 Nov 05 - 03:17 PM
Rapparee 09 Nov 05 - 02:30 PM
Amos 09 Nov 05 - 02:27 PM
Acme 09 Nov 05 - 02:19 PM
Little Hawk 09 Nov 05 - 02:14 PM
Acme 09 Nov 05 - 02:03 PM
MMario 09 Nov 05 - 12:45 PM
Amos 09 Nov 05 - 12:33 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 12 Nov 05 - 08:35 PM

In other news:

Empirical Study
>
> On the Effectiveness of Aluminium Foil Helmets: An Empirical Study
>
> Ali Rahimi1, Ben Recht 2, Jason Taylor 2, Noah Vawter 2
>
> 1: Electrical Engineering and Computer Science department, MIT.
> 2: Media Laboratory, MIT.
>
>
>
> Abstract
>
> Among a fringe community of paranoids, aluminum helmets serve as
> the protective measure of choice against invasive radio
> signals. We investigate the efficacy of three aluminum helmet
> designs on a sample group of four individuals. Using a $250,000
> network analyser, we find that although on average all helmets
> attenuate invasive radio frequencies in either directions (either
> emanating from an outside source, or emanating from the cranium
> of the subject), certain frequencies are in fact greatly
> amplified. These amplified frequencies coincide with radio bands
> reserved for government use according to the Federal
> Communication Commission (FCC). Statistical evidence suggests the
> use of helmets may in fact enhance the government's invasive
> abilities. We speculate that the government may in fact have
> started the helmet craze for this reason.
>
>


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Nov 05 - 07:29 PM

Thrice the brindled cat hath mewed.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Nov 05 - 11:15 AM

Transumbilical? How, pray tell, does that relate to the other incisions?

Friend of mine didn't have a navel (or, for you doctors, a belly button and for you car mechanics, an umbilicus). Anyway, he didn't have one. He was born with it, naturally, but it eventually disappeared completely. He was "presented" at several medical schools, but no surgeon or physician could explain the case. Finally, a psychiatrist, a strict Freudian, used psychoanalysis to determine that there was no medical or biological cause, but rather that the guy had the most complete case of rejection of mother in the medical history.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 12 Nov 05 - 10:06 AM

I thought so too!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 12 Nov 05 - 09:56 AM

Stily, there will be a firm letter arriving shortly from Fra. Sanctifus Mammarus of the Executive Council, decrying the posting of images such as the one you chose. Not because of the rather beautiful divine curves shown therein but because of the cruel mockery imposed by the textual overlays. Incisions! On such divine manifestations? Jesus wept.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 12 Nov 05 - 09:38 AM

Breasts. I would have posted the google search on the word, but smack at the top is a horrible breast cancer photo. It hurts to look at it. In stead, I'm posting a link to a photo of a woman who is apparently in great need of a nip and a tuck (not).


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Nov 05 - 08:04 AM

As they used to say to a friend of mine, "Erin, go braless."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 11 Nov 05 - 10:09 PM

Hmmm. I guess this topic is a bust.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Nov 05 - 08:53 PM

Au contraire, mon vieux! Parrots, chickens, turkeys, swans, herons, and other birds all have breasts. I am enjoying a chicken breast right now, in fact. You really should keept abreast of times -- even the military has breastworks.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 11 Nov 05 - 06:56 PM

That's fine, but parrots do not wear bras. Neither do they have breasts. Bear that in mind.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 Nov 05 - 03:54 PM

The only reason the Temple has not issued a fatwah is that, indeed, the fuzziness provides warmth to the hands. This is not, of course, a significant benefit here in Southern California...but the Temple is universal in its quest for transcendental perfection.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 11 Nov 05 - 12:27 PM

I predict the fuzzy bra will be a non-starter. It's meant to insulate one part of the anatomy that is already, by design, more than adequately insulated. My hands, head, and neck can use the extra warmth, but extra insulation for boobs and butts, that's overkill. IMHO.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Nov 05 - 11:56 AM

Polly Andre? My dinner with Polly Andre? Gender confusion?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 11 Nov 05 - 11:51 AM

There has been an epidemic of polyandry afflicting the parrot population for years now. I'm surprised Oprah has not looked into it and done a show.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 11 Nov 05 - 10:29 AM

polyedgar would be much more appropriate.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 Nov 05 - 09:45 AM

You miss the point, good Rapaire. What might be sacriligious is turning responsibility for the creation of warm fuzzy feelings in Sacred Mammaries over to a polyester artifact.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Nov 05 - 09:21 AM

Happy Day, Mom.

If anyone is a veteran, a combat veteran no less!, deserving of the highest possible awards for valor and service above & beyond, it's you.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Nov 05 - 06:52 PM

How can anything that provides such warm fuzzies be sacrilegious? Must religion be cold and unyielding?

Dammit man! John Calvin simply doesn't belong in the Temple!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 10 Nov 05 - 05:45 PM

The Temple executive council has informed me they are considering the possibility of a demonstration in Tokyo, due to the relase there of a new winter undergarment, the Warm Fuzzy Bra.

We think this might be sacriligious, but we are current doing some exploratory tests. A minority of the brothers think that it might enhance the religious experience.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 10 Nov 05 - 05:09 PM

"I suspect that even if a dynamic physics model suggests cow tipping is possible, the biology ultimately gets in the way: A cow is simply not a rigid, unresponding body."

-- University of British Columbia zoologist Tracy Boechler says cow tipping may owe its difficulties as much to Newton's second law of motion as the intoxication of the participants.




A good thing we got that new flooring, with all this tap-dancing going on, Rap. First you say entropy is ineluctable and then you say except for Aunti Entropy. First you say you will, and then you won't, then you say you do, and then you don't... The secret is that entropy is ineluctable in uninhabited systems. Once someone takes up residence, all bets are off.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Nov 05 - 04:48 PM

See? Your entropy increased to the point where it reversed itself. That's called, scientifically, "Aunty Entropy" or just "Aunty En" for short. You'll find yourself muttering "Aunty En! Aunty En!" in your sleep soon, Amos.

Immediately thereafter a house will fall upon you.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 10 Nov 05 - 04:09 PM

Entropy only increases until some wise-ass interferes. I was well on my way to building a perfect Temple to Entropy in my office, with disorder and disspation of energy growing more and more overwhelming, and then we had to have new floors put in. Bang! There goes the old entropy. New order, new energy, pockity-pockity-pock, and ten years of energy-leveling goes down the old tuberoonies. Go figger.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 10 Nov 05 - 11:39 AM

see? the rule is there ain't no rules!

gluon proves it!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Nov 05 - 11:37 AM

Entropy always increases. It will increase until entropy itself has become entropic. At that point I suspect that entropy will begin to decrease and will continue to do so until everything is frozen perfection, at which point entropy will begin again to increase.

Unless, of course, Gluon gets loose. Again. Then all bets are off, because you can NEVER tell what Gluon will drag home.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 10 Nov 05 - 11:33 AM

But life wouldn't exist if the second law of thermodynamics could be circumvented or at least blocked and delayed. So the general rule that there ain't no rule applies to the exceptions - of which there are a lot!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Nov 05 - 11:16 AM

Second Law of Thermodynamics.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 10 Nov 05 - 10:54 AM

well of course Apparently the rule is that there is no rule! After all - Max said so in relation to BS: threads back in what, '99? And as Shambles has told us over and over that applies to everything!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 10 Nov 05 - 10:26 AM

Apparently the rule is that there is no rule!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 10 Nov 05 - 09:55 AM

It amazes me how tangled up these stories get, sometimes--Miller's being a case in point. Joe Wilson's tale, which seemed pretty direct, now is being laden with red herrings and polecat odors by the rabid right-wing talking points trying to generate an alternative reality.

I can't blame them, I like generating alternative realities. But I thought there were rules about it....

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Nov 05 - 09:02 AM

Judith Miller -- didn't she play backup bodhran for "Karl Rove and the Bushmen?"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 10 Nov 05 - 12:14 AM

Okay, here's something news; Judith Miller "retired" today.

Film at 11.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 09 Nov 05 - 11:23 PM

Oh, wow! C'moooon maaaan. Tell me sump'n NEW!

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 09 Nov 05 - 07:05 PM

We all have such a time machine already, Amos. It's called "the mind". Most people (and apes) that I know are livin' either in the past or the future most of the time. That makes 'em far less effective in the present, and they keep repeatin' themselves pointlessly. We are all time travellers. You think about the past obsessively, man, and you are there. Take a look at the Middle East, and you'll see exactly how it works.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 09 Nov 05 - 06:48 PM

In other news an Israeli physicist proposes a new and more elegant approach for creating a time machine. Highly recommended for those of you who find themselves stuck in the sorrows of yesteryear! You can go back and interrupt the conversations where you made those major errors and shift things toward the better, brighter, more rewarding, more enlightened, and more remunerative.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 09 Nov 05 - 06:29 PM

We need more stuff about chimps on this thread. A lot more. And hamsters. Chimps and hamsters. Yeah.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 09 Nov 05 - 05:55 PM

It was excruciating to get that last 100 posts, and now there is a case of verbal diarrhea going on like nobody's business! Sheesh! Mom, you should be proud of these boys. They're living up to your name!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Nov 05 - 05:52 PM

I long ago jumped the sword, the broom, and such things. One time is plenty, and as they used to ask, "Isn't one wife enough?"

Besides, 99.9% of the Mormons are monogamous.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 09 Nov 05 - 05:20 PM

Well, I suppose that will mean it sees more use than the traditional cermonial food use of swords, ie wedding cakes. This is supposing you're not about to become a Mormon just for the thrill of lots of weddings....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Nov 05 - 03:52 PM

My small sword will look something like this. Only nicer.

I believe I shall use it for cutting cheese.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 09 Nov 05 - 03:44 PM

ah yes, challenge! #54 - I remember it well - I never did finish my submission.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Nov 05 - 03:41 PM

Here is a drawing of me. (I'm the one on the horse.)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 09 Nov 05 - 03:26 PM

Rapaire:

"On the Internet, no-one knows you're a dog...".

I think we have uncovered you at last!! Either you are a juvenile posing as an adult (which would explain many things!) or the Song Challenge crowd ran into one of your cousins or nephews back in 2001:

The Case of the Cheerio Highwayman -- TACOMA, Washington (AP) -- Seven-yeaar-old Perley King got into big trouble for driving off in his sister's car in search of his favorite cereal. But he's getting his Cheerios. Early on April 1, while other family members slept, Perley and his dog, Bear, climbed into the car. Relying on skills learned at a computer game, the boy drove three miles in search of a food store. In his drive to fame, Perley navigated some of the city's busiest streets by alternately stepping on the gas pedal, then climbing on the seat to steer, chugging along toward the food store. The spin landed Perley in hot water, but also earned him television appearances and buckets of newspaper ink. His single-minded devotion to his favorite breakfast cereal will also have material rewards. Representatives from Minnesota-based General Mills planned to visit Perley, his parents, Dwayne and Jeanne King, and six brothers and sisters at their Tacoma home this week. It means Perley can look forward to a year's supply of Cheerios and other surprises. He also may receive a new bicycle. "So he'll never have to drive to the store again," said General Mills spokeswoman Liv Lane.


The Highwaytot

I
The sun was a glow on the treeline, the wind blew gentle and low,
The windows of town were still darkened, looking out on the streets below.
Down the road like a spectre at dawning, propped up on his tippy-toes,
Young Perley King came driving,
Driving, driving!
Young Perley King came driving, looking for Cheerios.

II
He wore blue Mickey Mouse pajamas, with buttons up to his chin
And a pair of Pluto slippers, made out of bunny-skin;
And his face carried never a wrinkle; he drove without care in the cold!
And he drove that '60 Chevy,
His father's rebuilt Chevy!
Yes he drove his father's Chevy,
Though less than eight years old,

III
Over the sidewalk he rambled, then steer'd through a neighbor's yard,
Then he'd jump off the seat to the pedals, and rev the engine hard,
He sang "Sesame Street" in the morning, and who should be listn'ing there?
But Perley's brave companion,
Lifelong and true companion,
His brave, lifelong companion,
A halfbreed mutt called Bear.

IV
And dark in musky dawning, a gleam in the dusky night
He saw a shopping center, with Albertson's on the right;
Though the doors were barred and the lights turned low,
His heart forebore to wait,
He must open up the market,
The dim-lit shut down market!
So he opened up the market,
With his father's flathead-eight.

V
Then the glass it flew like a hurricane,
The canned goods flew from their rows,
But he never stopped or stumbled,
Looking for Cheerios.
With his life-long friend behind him,
His back-flap blowing free,
He climbed down out of that Chevy,
The bruised and broken Chevy,
Clambered down from the ancient Chevy,
And headed for Aisle Three!

VI
When the manager got there that morning,
With the blue flashing lights at his back,
The officers guarding the squadcar,
And the shop window laid to wrack,
Down the corridors softly they sought him,
Their guns at the ready and warm!
'Til they found young Perley sleeping,
Curled up, and softly sleeping,
They found young Perley sleeping
With Bear underneath his arm.

VII
There were open boxes around them,
There were spilled Cheerios by the score
And between old Bear and the highway tot,
They had eaten three pounds or more!
So he lay there asleep on the market floor,
And they shook him and called him in vain!
For he'd overdosed on sugar
Sweet, nice sugar!
He'd flooded his blood with sugar,
'Til the insulin fried his brain!

VIII
But sometimes, they say, in the dawn time,
When the moonlight still kisses the rose,
Like the shade of a thought you can see him,
As down the road he goes!
With his honest companion beside him,
Propped up on his tippy-toes,
You can see young Perley driving,
His spirit comes a-driving!!
You can see young Perley driving
And looking for Cheerios.




Regards, young sprat -- you clearly have the Right Stuffe!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Nov 05 - 03:17 PM

This, too, is about me:

The South wind blew so coldly, and made men's eyebrows freeze
The Man in the Moon smiled grimly, with a face like a Cheshire cheese
'Twas Christmas day in the workhouse where Oliver asked for more
And the highwayman came riding, riding, riding
Dick Turpentine came riding, up to the old inn door.

He'd a top hat on his forehead, a dress shirt on his chest
With a pair of Oxford trousers, and a woollen undervest
And he rode as fast as a motor - well as fast as a ford will do
For he loved the Landlord's porter, the landlord's nut-brown porter
Not to speak of the landlord's daughter, the lady who's known as Loo.

He tapped with his fist on the shutters, but locked was the old inn door
So he stood 'neath the window and whistled, "It ain't gonna rain no more."
And then the window opened, and Loo's sweet face popped out
And the landlord stood and listened, he shivered there as he listened
Mute as a cat he listened, and he heard the robber shout,

"One drink, my bonny sweetheart, of porter as brown as your curls
I'm after a fat dowager, who'd got a string of pearls
But only two pubs I'm passing, and there the drink's not strong
So I'll come back here for another, and another, and another
For I daren't go home to mother, cos the p'lice'll have me before long."

He stood upright in the stirrups so that he could reach for the glass
But he couldn't quite reach to the window, and it made him feel such an ass
So he sat on his horse in the moonlight, sat with his mouth open wide
While Loo, the landlord's daughter, took a hefty mug of porter
And bending o'er his upturned mouth, she poured it safe inside.

The Landlord used in the darkness such swear words as he could say
For he hated her Highwayman lover - such customers did not pay
Dick Turpentine would not pay up, what ever might be said
And the landlord feared his pistols, those nine point two three pistols
So he fiercely vowed his vengeance... and then went off to bed.

Next morn he was up with the milkman, and round by the barrack square
And he told the fiery colonel about his daughter fair
And Dick Turpentine, the highwayman, who robbed folks by the score
Who came to her by moonlight, and drank his beer by moonlight
And shot the moon in the moonlight, close by the old inn door.

"Hide twelve men in your cellar before he comes tonight
Dick Turpentine shall never see another morning's light
Yes, twelve men - and a sergeant - shall come with you today
And let Dick go on drinking, drinking, drinking
And when he's drunk my soldiers will catch him without delay."

The soldiers went to the cellar, the landlord went to his bar
And Loo went up to her window, to watch for her lover afar
And the landlord prepared him a potion which would make him as drunken as pigs
Porter and whisky and pale-ale, sherry and creme-de-menthe
With a dash of strong sarsaparilla, and a splutter of syrup of figs.

Tlot tlot! She heard in the distance his horse hoofs fast coming near
Tlot, tlot! She heard his throat crackle as he stretched out his hand for his beer
The landlord rushed to the cellar, and called to the soldiers there
"Come, here is the man from the highway, shoot him down in the highway
Down like a dog in the highway, before he can say, "It's a bear'."

"Come, come at once," he cried again, "There is no time to wait
Come, sergeant, call your men out, and bid them all shoot straight
I've mixed him a pungent cocktail that's more than enough for two
Dick Turpentine has drunk it, come on men, do you funk it?"
The the landlord gasped, "He'll bunk it," for the soldiers were all drunk too.

Yes, Dick had taken the potion straight from his lover's hand
And his eyes assumed a brightness that nature never planned
And he reeled in Irish fashion, after he had had ten sips
And he fell down in the highway, fell all his length in the highway
Down like a dog in the highway, with a smile of peace on his lips.

And still, they say, on a Summer's night when the wind makes the eyebrows freeze
And the Man in the Moon smiled grimly, with a face like a Cheshire cheese
And it's Christmas day in the workhouse where Oliver asked for more
A highwayman comes riding, riding, riding
Dick Turpentine comes riding up to the old inn door.

"What does he seek?" ask the neighbours, as they stand with frightened stare
"Is it Loo, the landlord's daughter, that he hopes to discover there?
Or the ghosts of thirteen soldiers, or the landlord who foully planned?"
Dick Turpentine's still thirsting, thirsting, thirsting
What he wants is the recipe of the cocktail that got him canned.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Nov 05 - 02:30 PM

I wish to inform one and all on this, the ne plus ultra of threads, that I have purchased and should receive either today or tomorrow a smallsword. It will work far better than the razor in my shoe, which keeps turning on and has shaved and/or shaven all of the hair off both feet (I change shoes so that it will wear evenly). Said smallsword is pointy, made from high carbon steel with continuous tang, has a wire-wrapped hilt with shell guard and knucklebow, and can be made very sharp indeed. Yes, it comes with a scabbrd, and I have purchased a frog so that I can wear it.

I am also not carrying the 32 guns, having discovered that Mom most likely meant a pistol of .32 caliber (7.65 mm), a cartridge of little or no stopping power and for which I have little use. Besides three of the guns leaked and made the powder in the other all wet and they wouldn't fire.

Amos, did you know that the poem with which you have honored me can be sung to the tune of "Bonnie Dundee?" Or, if you prefer, "Riding A Raid?" Or "Lords of the Cam?"

But lo! Another poem about me ('tho I don't like to brag):

The wind was a torrent of darkness among the gusty trees,
The moon was a ghostly galleon tossed upon cloudy seas,
The road was a ribbon of moonlight, over the purple moor,
And the highwayman came riding- riding-riding-
The highwayman came riding, up to the old inn-door.

He'd a French cocked-hat on his forehead, a bunch of lace at his chin,
A coat of the claret velvet, and breeches of brown doe-skin;
They fitted with never a wrinkle: his boots were up to the thigh!
And he rode with a jewelled twinkle,
His pistol butts a-twinkle,
His rapier hilt a-twinkle, under the jewelled sky.

Over the cobbles he clattered and clashed in the dark inn-yard,
And he tapped with his whip on the shutters, but all was locked and barred;
He whistled a tune to the window, and who should be waiting there
But the landlord's black-eyed daughter, Bess, the landlord's daughter,
Plaiting a dark red love-knot into her long black hair.

And dark in the old inn-yard a stable-wicket creaked
Where Tim the ostler listened; his face was white and peaked;
His eyes were hollows of madness, his hair like mouldy hay,
But he loved the landlord's daughter, The landlord's red-lipped daughter,
Dumb as a dog he listened, and he heard the robber say-

"One kiss, my bonny sweetheart, I'm after a prize to-night,
But I shall be back with the yellow gold before the morning light;
Yet, if they press me sharply, and harry me through the day,
Then look for me by moonlight, Watch for me by moonlight,
I'll come to thee by moonlight, though hell should bar the way."

He rose upright in the stirrups; he scarce could reach her hand,
But she loosened her hair i' the casement! His face burnt like a brand
As the black cascade of perfume came tumbling over his breast;
And he kissed its waves in the moonlight,
(Oh, sweet black waves in the moonlight!)
Then he tugged at his rein in the moonlight, and galloped away to the West.

He did not come in the dawning; he did not come at noon;
And out o' the tawny sunset, before the rise o' the moon,
When the road was a gipsy's ribbon, looping the purple moor,
A red-coat troop came marching- Marching-marching-
King George's men came marching, up to the old inn-door.

They said no word to the landlord, they drank his ale instead,
But they gagged his daughter and bound her to the foot of her narrow bed;
Two of them knelt at her casement, with muskets at their side!
There was death at every window; And hell at one dark window;
For Bess could see, through the casement, the road that he would ride.

They had tied her up to attention, with many a sniggering jest;
They bound a musket beside her, with the barrel beneath her breast!
"Now keep good watch!" and they kissed her. She heard the dead man say-
Look for me by moonlight; Watch for me by moonlight;
I'll come to thee by moonlight, though hell should bar the way!

She twisted her hands behind her; but all the knots held good!
She writhed her hands till here fingers were wet with sweat or blood!
They stretched and strained in the darkness, and the hours crawled by like years,
Till, now, on the stroke of midnight, Cold, on the stroke of midnight,
The tip of one finger touched it! The trigger at least was hers!

The tip of one finger touched it; she strove no more for the rest!
Up, she stood up to attention, with the barrel beneath her breast,
She would not risk their hearing; she would not strive again;
For the road lay bare in the moonlight; Blank and bare in the moonlight;
And the blood of her veins in the moonlight throbbed to her love's refrain.

Trot-trot; trot-trot! Had they heard it? The horse-hoofs ringing clear;
Trot-trot, trot-trot, in the distance? Were they deaf that they did not hear?
Down the ribbon of moonlight, over the brow of the hill,
The highwayman came riding, riding, riding!
The red-coats looked to their priming! She stood up strait and still!

Trot-trot, in the frosty silence! Trot-trot, in the echoing night!
Nearer he came and nearer! Her face was like a light!
Her eyes grew wide for a moment; she drew one last deep breath,
Then her finger moved in the moonlight, Her musket shattered the moonlight,
Shattered her breast in the moonlight and warned him-with her death.

He turned; he spurred to the West; he did not know who stood Bowed,
With her head o'er the musket, drenched with her own red blood!
Not till the dawn he heard it, his face grew grey to hear
How Bess, the landlord's daughter, The landlord's black-eyed daughter,
Had watched for her love in the moonlight, and died in the darkness there.

Back,he spurred like a madman, shrieking a curse to the sky,
With the white road smoking behind him and his rapier brandished high!
Blood-red were his spurs i' the golden noon; wine-red was his velvet coat,
When they shot him down on the highway, Down like a dog on the highway,
And he lay in his blood on the highway, with a bunch of lace at his throat.

And still of a winter's night, they say, when the wind is in the trees,
When the moon is a ghostly galleon tossed upon cloudy seas,
When the road is a ribbon of moonlight over the purple moor,
A highwayman comes riding- riding-riding-
A highwayman comes riding, up to the old inn-door.

Over the cobbles he clatters and clangs in the dark inn-yard,
And he taps with his whip on the shutters, but all is locked and barred;
He whistles a tune to the window, and who should be waiting there
But the landlord's black-eyed daughter, Bess, the landlord's daughter,
Plaiting a dark red love-knot into her long black hair.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 09 Nov 05 - 02:27 PM

Well by my count, SRS' last is 10,025. That makes mine 10,018. As well as 10, 017, 10,016, 10,015, 10,014, 10,013, 10,012, 10, 011 and even, dare I say it, 10,010. That last one is binary 18! So there.



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 09 Nov 05 - 02:19 PM

Call me impulsive!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 09 Nov 05 - 02:14 PM

Oh, that is just crazy, Stilly...my gawd...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 09 Nov 05 - 02:03 PM

Where's Rapaire? He's missing all of this fine verbal surplusage generated on his behalf!

I have dibs on 20,000.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 09 Nov 05 - 12:45 PM

*snicker!*

It appears Amos is a victim of the "mark of Zeero!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 09 Nov 05 - 12:33 PM

The section from Rapaire's advice from Mom was included erroneously and is not part of the ballad.

Obviously I spent far too much time preparing this piece de resistance. But I would add, with no little pride, that NO_ONE else has post 10,018.


A

Check again o ye of agile wit! ~~~Zeero


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