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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Amos 20 Sep 10 - 04:26 PM
Amos 20 Sep 10 - 04:25 PM
Amos 20 Sep 10 - 04:24 PM
Amos 20 Sep 10 - 04:21 PM
gnu 20 Sep 10 - 04:13 PM
Rapparee 20 Sep 10 - 03:30 PM
gnu 20 Sep 10 - 01:33 PM
Acme 20 Sep 10 - 01:18 PM
Little Hawk 20 Sep 10 - 01:11 PM
Amos 20 Sep 10 - 12:32 PM
Little Hawk 20 Sep 10 - 11:03 AM
Acme 20 Sep 10 - 10:59 AM
Rapparee 20 Sep 10 - 10:39 AM
Amos 20 Sep 10 - 10:24 AM
Acme 19 Sep 10 - 10:48 PM
Amos 19 Sep 10 - 10:44 PM
Rapparee 19 Sep 10 - 08:34 PM
Amos 19 Sep 10 - 08:05 PM
Acme 19 Sep 10 - 07:37 PM
Rapparee 19 Sep 10 - 07:26 PM
Little Hawk 19 Sep 10 - 02:36 PM
Amos 19 Sep 10 - 02:29 PM
Acme 19 Sep 10 - 12:22 PM
Little Hawk 19 Sep 10 - 11:57 AM
Amos 19 Sep 10 - 11:42 AM
Little Hawk 19 Sep 10 - 10:22 AM
Rapparee 19 Sep 10 - 09:56 AM
Little Hawk 19 Sep 10 - 07:54 AM
Acme 19 Sep 10 - 02:41 AM
Rapparee 18 Sep 10 - 09:09 PM
Acme 18 Sep 10 - 06:50 PM
Little Hawk 18 Sep 10 - 12:21 PM
Acme 18 Sep 10 - 11:01 AM
Little Hawk 18 Sep 10 - 10:33 AM
Rapparee 18 Sep 10 - 10:25 AM
Amos 18 Sep 10 - 10:20 AM
Amos 18 Sep 10 - 02:19 AM
Acme 18 Sep 10 - 12:03 AM
Little Hawk 17 Sep 10 - 11:36 PM
Rapparee 17 Sep 10 - 09:33 PM
Amos 17 Sep 10 - 06:51 PM
Little Hawk 17 Sep 10 - 05:48 PM
gnu 17 Sep 10 - 04:32 PM
Acme 17 Sep 10 - 04:16 PM
Amos 17 Sep 10 - 02:31 PM
Amos 17 Sep 10 - 02:22 PM
gnu 17 Sep 10 - 02:07 PM
Amos 17 Sep 10 - 02:04 PM
Acme 17 Sep 10 - 02:01 PM
Amos 17 Sep 10 - 12:49 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 20 Sep 10 - 04:26 PM

is

3 7 5 7 3




A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 20 Sep 10 - 04:25 PM

ANd here for all of you to see...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 20 Sep 10 - 04:24 PM

ANd if you plan to make a scene about it, I suggest you practice staying upright first...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 20 Sep 10 - 04:21 PM

Dear Rapaire:

I could not tell from your post whether you were proposing a simple assault and battery, the resort of a common thug, or whether you were under the misimpression we had an appointment to battle on the field of honor. For your edification (1) we have no such appointment and (2) we have between us no grounds to merit such an appointment, and finally, (3) there is no such field at the Getaway. It's not that kind of place.

I will not fight you, will not choose weapons, will not be lured into insulting you to justify such crude mechanisms, and will not take umbrage at any manipulations you choose to resort to in order to try and bring me into your over-heated, combative world. I will not offer you any gore, and no-one is likely to offer you any bush, either. But we will be glad to swap music with you.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 20 Sep 10 - 04:13 PM

Yer gonna cut off his skirt? I did not know he was a Scot.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Sep 10 - 03:30 PM

Amos:

I just now ordered the weapons with which we shall fight our duel at Getaway. So that you are sure that I haven't screwed with them, they are being sent to Janie directly from the Armory. After you have been shish kabobed enough they will go into the Silent Auction, still stained with your gore and none of my own.

Mom won't be there to save you, either!

Your friend,
R


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 20 Sep 10 - 01:33 PM

Rap tripped and fell? Hope nothing serious comes out of it.

May I suggest putting the padding on TOP of the stairs?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 20 Sep 10 - 01:18 PM

On a serious note (I know, they're rare) if you read the public record for the coroner you'll see a fair smattering of the cause of death as a "head injury, short fall." So take it easy out there, everyone!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 20 Sep 10 - 01:11 PM

Oh, sure, it's fine for you to talk, Mr Perfect! ;-) I suppose YOU've never accidentally flushed YOUR glasses or YOUR contacts down the toilet, have you? Ha! Thought so!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 20 Sep 10 - 12:32 PM

Alas, the Falls of the House of Mom!!

Come on you guys--refresh your training in Gravity 101. Remember that? Where you used table-edges and chair legs to struggle to a standing position, and fell to a crawling position every time you wanted to go somewhere? Falling off of things is juvenile and irresponsible!! AND illegal.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 20 Sep 10 - 11:03 AM

My sympathies, Rapaire. I fell off a ladder about a week and a half ago whilst cleaning the eavestroughs. I don't recommend doing this! I was lucky, though, cos I landed the right way and suffered no notable injuries. If Chongo had been visiting, it never woulda happened.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 20 Sep 10 - 10:59 AM

Oh, I get it! He fell as a way to make it a "value added" part of the exam. Gives the doctor more problems to work with so Rap can get more for his co-pay.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Sep 10 - 10:39 AM

Well I'm going to the doctor today anyway, so there! (The appt. was scheduled back before I left, so it's no big deal.)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 20 Sep 10 - 10:24 AM

It was supposed to be a trip in the Fall, not a fall from a trip.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 19 Sep 10 - 10:48 PM

You just took a trip, Rapaire, but that doesn't mean you're entitled to fall because of it.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 19 Sep 10 - 10:44 PM

Well, of course it does, silly. You have to deal with gravity FIRST, THEN fall. Otherwise it gets all messed up. It's like forgetting the Norse mnemonic--rape, pillage THEN burn.



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Sep 10 - 08:34 PM

It also causes various skin abrasions and bruises, not to mention headaches.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 19 Sep 10 - 08:05 PM

Falling down on the job is not permitted after retirement, Rapaire; knock it off,. It's very bad for morale.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 19 Sep 10 - 07:37 PM

Rap's note to self: Put in extra thick foam padding under the stairs.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Sep 10 - 07:26 PM

Alright, I'm home and I've already fallen down the stairs* (yes, I was sober). Good thing I'm going to the doctor tomorrow morning, huh?


*Actually only the last three, but they are cement covered with carpet.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 19 Sep 10 - 02:36 PM

That's just plain silly, Amos. I love the thing he did about the Masturbator's March, but that thing about the Doberman is just silly, and I'll tell you why. People who insist on reducing their political opponents to gross stereotypes are engaging in something that is intellectually lazy and morally reprehensible, because it's an exercise in hatred and snide superiority...regardless what side of the issue they stand on.

I can't applaud Mr Borowitz for putting together that piece, because he's making himself just as prejudiced as the worst of the very people he's making fun of...and basking in his own sense of entitlement and moral superiority, just the way they do.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 19 Sep 10 - 02:29 PM

"EFFERSON CITY, MO (The Borowitz Report) – A rabid Doberman Pinscher jumped on stage at a Tea Party rally in Missouri on Labor Day and barked at the crowd for nearly twenty minutes before people realized he was not a candidate.

The dog, later identified by its owner as “Mister Buster,” held the crowd spellbound as he barked, growled, and frothed at the mouth, eventually receiving a standing ovation for his exertions.

Gwendolene Thomason, 42, a Tea Party supporter from Jefferson City, was one of the hundreds on hand who were convinced that the Doberman was a Tea Party candidate until he was outed as a dog.

“I liked what he had to say,” she said. ”He reminded me of Glenn Beck, only furrier.”

The Doberman’s canine identity finally became clear when he lunged at a man in the front row and wrested a hamburger from his right hand, taking two of the man’s fingers with it.

While the discovery that Mister Buster was not a Tea Party candidate disappointed many in attendance, Ms. Thomason held out hope that, dog or no, he might consider running for office at some point.

“I liked the way he bit off that guy’s hand, and the way he did his business in the middle of the stage,” she said. ”We need more of that in Washington.”"

Borowitz


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 19 Sep 10 - 12:22 PM

The golfers will be disappointed. The course has been so mellow without the sudden explosions for the last week or two.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 19 Sep 10 - 11:57 AM

Yes. They should have some time to prepare, hide the young women, put up the barricades, and the usual stuff...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 19 Sep 10 - 11:42 AM

I hope someone has sent advanced warning to the City Fathers that Big Rapaire is coming to town.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 19 Sep 10 - 10:22 AM

Give my regards to Wild Bill and all the other varmints when you get there.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Sep 10 - 09:56 AM

You can have them if you're a size 18 triple wide. Kinda hard to walk in, probably, especially with the holes in the soles and one heel missing.

Today I go back to Pocatello, the REAL wild west.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 19 Sep 10 - 07:54 AM

Bronzed cowboy boots, slightly used? Oh, you lucky devil!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 19 Sep 10 - 02:41 AM

I did a little recycling today at the recycling and trash collection depot, is all. They apparently are collecting some stuff for a vendor that they used to let anyone pick up. I decided to play by the old rules and picked up a couple of useful items for a friend.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Sep 10 - 09:09 PM

The is something WRONG with half a cream separator, a pair of bronzed cowboy boots only slightly worn out, and the wringer mechanism for a washing machine sans rollers?   It's not like the broken bottles and spoiled leftovers Amos brings back, you know.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 18 Sep 10 - 06:50 PM

MOM, wait till I tell you about all of the good stuff I found at the junk yard. . . no, not the way Rapaire brings home junk, this is really GOOD stuff! I'll just back up to the garage. . .


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Sep 10 - 12:21 PM

Sure does. Actually, Chongo has been a real gentleman any time he was around here, but he can be dangerous if provoked, specially if provoked by a stranger (or a gorilla). No doubt about that. I don't provoke him.

I have been gently suggesting to him that being President of the USA isn't really all that great, not exactly a bowl of cherries, and that he'd probably be much happier if he abandonded the political career and stuck to sleuthing.

He said to me, "Look, I know it's a tough and thankless job. I know that people will dump all their problems on ya and blame ya every time somethin' goes wrong. But I can't just stand aside and see my country goin' to the dogs and do nothin'. The call of duty is ringin' in my ears, and I gotta answer that call! I owe it to every sufferin' ape and monkey on the street, and I can't let 'em down."

I think what we have here is an ape inspired.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 18 Sep 10 - 11:01 AM

It beats the Hell out of those times when Chongo is trying to rip your arms off, doesn't it?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Sep 10 - 10:33 AM

SRS - "I love it when Little Hawk takes a moment to explain things to MOM. His voice gets quiet and their heads nod together and it's just such a great photo opportunity. . ."

Yes. (smile) I so enjoy those special moments whenever they come along. It makes me feel wise...yet at the same time, humble. It nourishes my soul.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Sep 10 - 10:25 AM

My brother Raoare does nothing of the sort. After his wife caught him he uses a catheter for certain vital function. His superhero name is "The Dribbler."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Sep 10 - 10:20 AM

Sigtgh...rise and shine, Mom!! Rapaire--your favorite, you know--is boiling some nice splinters for your breakfast!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Sep 10 - 02:19 AM

Decomstriction by Little Hawk; wanking by Raoare...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 18 Sep 10 - 12:03 AM

With as many UKers as there are at Mudcat, I think we'd most of us have gotten that on our own. But I love it when Little Hawk takes a moment to explain things to MOM. His voice gets quiet and their heads nod together and it's just such a great photo opportunity. . .


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 17 Sep 10 - 11:36 PM

Even better, Amos, would be, "TOSS THE JERK OFF"....given the fact that it would be a TRIPLE entendre (at least in the UK)... ;-D

A "tosser" is the same as a "wanker", you see. One tosses. The other wanks. And no one can determine what the difference is.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Sep 10 - 09:33 PM

Wahl, podners, mah vacashun's done. Tomorrow we're saddlin' up ta ride West, outa Wyomin' an' back ta Pocatello. Be back at the home ranch on Sunday sometime. This hyar wild an' crazy life is jist a bit too much fer me. Met some Lakota, Northern Cheyenne, Eastern Shoshone, Arapahoes, and folks like those, good folks all of 'em. But the gold dust is runnin' low and we gotta go pan out some more so's I kin make mah Gitaway.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Sep 10 - 06:51 PM

Another good sign for Borowitz' rally: "THROW THE JERK OFF!".

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 17 Sep 10 - 05:48 PM

HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!

Wonderful, Stilly, absolutely wonderful!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 17 Sep 10 - 04:32 PM

Ms. O'Donnell's a jerk.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 17 Sep 10 - 04:16 PM

This should bring a smile to your faces: Borowitz Report.


Delaware Masturbators March Against O'Donnell
Largest Pro-wanking Demonstration in History

WILMINGTON (The Borowitz Report) ? Galvanized by Republican senatorial nominee Christine O'Donnell's anti-masturbation stance, masturbators from across the state converged on Wilmington today in what some are calling the largest pro-wanking protest in American history.

Carrying signs reading, "O'Donnell: Hands Off Our Masturbation," the angry masturbators clogged downtown Wilmington, stopping traffic for blocks.

Harley Farger, a leading Delaware masturbator and planner of the Million Masturbators March, said it was difficult to organize masturbators "because they're used to acting alone."

Mr. Farger, the executive director of the pro-monkey-spanking group MasturNation, said that the "wank and file" of his organization believe that masturbation is an inalienable right guaranteed by the Constitution.

"Our country was founded by rugged individualists," he said. "And you know what individualists like to do."

He said that Ms. O'Donnell's anti-whacking position was "ill-timed," adding, "In this economy, masturbation is one of the few simple pleasures people still can afford."

Tracy Klugian, a homemaker and masturbator from Dover, Delaware, said she is "puzzled" by what she sees as the contradictory nature of candidate O'Donnell's position: "If you're against masturbation, why would you want to serve in Congress?"

A spokesman for the Wilmington Police Department, Crandall Darlington, said that the Million Masturbators March could cost the city tens of thousands of dollars, "especially when you include the cost of cleaning up afterwards."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Sep 10 - 02:31 PM

RIght, I flipped the coin, and it came up Rapaire. Makes sense, after all; being retired, and more on-the-way.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Sep 10 - 02:22 PM

YEah, that's what Percy O'Flage used to say, too, but it was all bluster--when the belts came off he was just as happy to be la femme as anything.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 17 Sep 10 - 02:07 PM

Amos... Camille... pas femme. You call Cam a girl an 'ees t'row 'is coat bot' side da road and da fight she is on eh!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Sep 10 - 02:04 PM

Out in the jungles 'neath the sun
In a bright cerulean sky
I wandered weary, woeful when
A nauga happened by!

This nauga gave me cause to cheer
My every tear, he dried;
And as a gift when parting he
Gave up his nauga hide.

"Oh take it with you, as a gift!"
The nauga said with pride.
"Do not believe I'd be bereft!
"I've another one inside!"

"We always grow them twice, you see!"
Our hides are all grown double
So when we want to give a gift,
It saves all kinds of trouble!"

And so I wandered with his hide
Through jungle, vale, and fen
And all went well until the time
I was to go home again!

I'd none of gold or diamonds fine
To claim in the customs line.
But I was told to bring that hide
Would incur a healthy fine!
And so I folded it in half
And twice again, for fair.
And hid that hide inside my case
Beneath my underwear.

And smuggled it through customs, too!
They never guessed or found it!
Perhaps because of the BVDs,
Well-used, unwashed, around it!
And I don't regret, now, that I lied
Nor feel guilt for my pelf,
For I had nothing there to hide
Except for hide itself!


Little Ricky Ruart
"Never Enough Gun"
Jungle Pubs, Zimbabwe, 1957


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 17 Sep 10 - 02:01 PM

I hoped you were going to flip a coin and see who would go get Little Hawk for the Getaway.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Sep 10 - 12:49 PM

Oh, all righty then! Rest assured. What was it we were about to say to each other?


A


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