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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

gnu 07 Jan 17 - 11:07 AM
Amos 07 Jan 17 - 02:13 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 06 Jan 17 - 11:38 PM
gnu 06 Jan 17 - 05:15 PM
Rapparee 06 Jan 17 - 04:53 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 06 Jan 17 - 01:43 PM
Acme 06 Jan 17 - 12:55 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 06 Jan 17 - 11:37 AM
gnu 05 Jan 17 - 10:53 PM
gnu 05 Jan 17 - 08:15 PM
Rapparee 05 Jan 17 - 12:06 PM
gnu 04 Jan 17 - 06:25 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 04 Jan 17 - 04:08 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 03 Jan 17 - 09:57 PM
Rapparee 03 Jan 17 - 07:31 PM
Rapparee 03 Jan 17 - 07:26 PM
Amos 03 Jan 17 - 03:40 AM
Rapparee 02 Jan 17 - 01:59 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 02 Jan 17 - 12:43 PM
gnu 02 Jan 17 - 10:41 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 02 Jan 17 - 10:35 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 02 Jan 17 - 09:34 AM
Amos 02 Jan 17 - 01:23 AM
Acme 01 Jan 17 - 10:45 PM
Rapparee 01 Jan 17 - 09:32 PM
Acme 01 Jan 17 - 03:25 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 01 Jan 17 - 01:02 PM
Rapparee 01 Jan 17 - 11:40 AM
Rapparee 31 Dec 16 - 10:43 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 31 Dec 16 - 06:28 PM
gnu 31 Dec 16 - 04:29 PM
gnu 31 Dec 16 - 07:25 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 31 Dec 16 - 07:13 AM
gnu 31 Dec 16 - 05:29 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 30 Dec 16 - 10:19 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 30 Dec 16 - 09:14 AM
keberoxu 29 Dec 16 - 04:20 PM
Rapparee 28 Dec 16 - 10:10 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 28 Dec 16 - 09:25 PM
Amos 28 Dec 16 - 06:05 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 28 Dec 16 - 09:55 AM
Rapparee 28 Dec 16 - 05:56 AM
Rapparee 27 Dec 16 - 08:47 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 27 Dec 16 - 01:29 PM
keberoxu 27 Dec 16 - 11:15 AM
Amos 27 Dec 16 - 12:28 AM
Rapparee 26 Dec 16 - 09:58 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 26 Dec 16 - 09:51 PM
keberoxu 26 Dec 16 - 08:36 PM
Rapparee 26 Dec 16 - 09:58 AM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 07 Jan 17 - 11:07 AM

I live largely vicariously through the adventures and non-adventures of others so all this excitement is wearing me quite thin. Well, not thin thin as my Kissmeass weight gain, which begins shortly after November moon, is now at approximately six pounds. That means that, by Tuesday, I shall have gained eight pounds. I swore last September that there would ne no boiled ham dinners until the green beans flowed fresh from Florida or nearby but hickory smoked ham was on sale and I ain't never cooked one so, if it's as good as the smoked hams we get from La Belle or the from Canuck Cowboy Country smoked and seasoned with Tar Sands emissions, I'll be happy. The down side is that it is from The States so I assume it's laced with antibiotics and steroids. But it's hickory smoked so...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 Jan 17 - 02:13 AM

I really appreciate the advice, BeeDub. Tomorrow an invasion of packer-boys will swarm through the door, gobbling up books, underwear, knickknacks, silverware, and spare instruments like mad army ants, leaving a trail of plasticized packing boxes in their wake like so many ant droppings. But it will be, at least, a sort of form of order. The present disposition of those things is verging on the chaotic and entropy knows where that leads!

God bless but I am weary. BUT I am the proud owner of a beautiful 1859 home in North Carolina and I can't wait to go try it on for size.

Stilly, see you on the 13th. Will call tomorrow or so.

Hang tough, boys and girruls. Change may not be soothing, but it is the one certainty in life, and it is definitely real with a capital R.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 06 Jan 17 - 11:38 PM

A few things Californians should know about southern speech before moving to the Southland:

1) Southerners do not drop their "r"s. It's a myth perpetuated by Hollywood directors who learned everything they know about how southerners speak by watching Foghorn Leghorn cartoons. To wit, Kevin Spacey's character in Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil.

1A) Actually, some southerners do drop their "r"s, mostly politicians and others who think talking like Foghorn Leghorn makes them sound more genuinely southern. "Genuinely southern" is codespeak for "like a pompous blowhard".

2) There are no one-syllable words in southern speech. "Bob" is pronounced "Bah-uhb". "Bill" is pronounced "Bee-uhl". "Shit" is pronounced "shee-uht". You get the picture.

2A) Actually, there are some one-syllable words, but they didn't start out that way. "Orange" is pronounced "urnge".

3) The degree of elision (the omission of sounds from words) in one's speech is in direct proportion to the size of the wad of chewing tobacco in one's mouth. A moderately sized chaw will cause one to pronounce "all right" as "aw-ight". A really big chaw will turn it into "aw-eye".

3A) Elision can also be caused by excessive consumption of alcoholic beverages, but you don't have to be from the south to experience that phenomenon.

4) Speaking with a pronounced southern accent does not necessarily indicate a lack of intelligence, but it's a pretty good warning sign. For every Jimmy Carter there's a Jeff Sessions.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 06 Jan 17 - 05:15 PM

I don't hunt no more but I am a member of a number of NB hunting FB groups. To wit, I posted...

Well, I am glad I got out of bed this morning. Every day you learn something new is a good day. A bud living in San Diego (or, as I call it, Sandy Ego, because every time we get walloped with a snowstorm or a bitterly cold spell, his nibs posts something like, "Pretty bad here too. I had to put on a sweater when I walked the dog tonight.") is pulling up stakes and moving to NC. He is in the midst of all that goes with selling, buying, and moving house and he posted today that he is in a most serious coddiwomple. Yeah, me too. He's always writing stuff like that... boy was born with a dictionary up his ass.

So I asked Mr. Google and found out that at least half the time I spent in the woods over forty some years was spent coddiwompling.

"Coddiwomple (v.) Origin: English Slang Word. Definition: To travel in a purposeful manner towards a vague destination."

Now, today, with no wind, mild temperature, little snow in nearby woods, and frozen ground, I could do some serious coddiwompling to aid in the 2017 hunting seasons. Or just go scouting for new territory. >;-)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Jan 17 - 04:53 PM

Humph!!! In addition to the need for grit to eat grits, grit is used both on roads in the winter (or oil spills) and in sandblasting. Grit is found in/on sandpaper and here.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 06 Jan 17 - 01:43 PM

My Hoosier wife eats oatmeal. The only time she'll touch grits is as a side dish with fried fish. I abhor oatmeal (except in cookies). If we cook breakfast together, we compromise by having potatoes.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 06 Jan 17 - 12:55 PM

Your view of grits is like my very north and western view of oatmeal, but I know that oatmeal (old fashioned or steel cut) can be cooked overnight in a small crockpot.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 06 Jan 17 - 11:37 AM

A few things Californians planning on moving to the Southland should know about grits:

1) Grits should be eaten seasoned with salt, pepper, and butter. Mixing unseasoned grits with milk and sugar is a northerly affectation transfered to the Southland by oatmeal and Cream of Wheat eaters. It is an abomination.

2) Grits are a side dish, not a meal. Do not attempt to show native southerners how fond you are of grits by diving into a big bowl of them all by themselves. They will think you are an idjit.

3) On the grocer's shelf, you will find three types of grits: old-fashioned, instant, and quick.

   A) Old-fashioned grits are what your great-grandmother cooked (if she was a southerner). They cook in a about a half-hour (which will probably feel like half a day). Buy them only if you have nothing better to do with thirty minutes of your life than stir a pot of grits.

   B) Instant grits are basically pre-cooked and reconstituted. Just add hot water, wait a minute or so, and you have a bowl of grits-like substance. Most southerners consider them to be an abomination. If you choose to buy them, remember to have them rung up by the cashier with green hair and multiple piercings. She may be sufficiently clueless to not realize you are buying instant grits and may not smirk at you. Do not use self-service checkout if buying instant grits. The machines are programmed to say, "Ya ain't from around here, are ya?" when a box of instant grits is scanned.

   C) Quick grits are the way to go. They cook in the same five minutes it takes to cook two sausage patties and two scrambled eggs. Just mix one part grits to three parts water in a pot, get 'em boiling, turn 'em down to simmer, and stir 'em every time you get a chance. If they stick or turn out lumpy, ya ain't stirring enough. Do it right next time. Purty darned simple.

4) Cheese grits are for eating with fried catfish, not for breakfast. Unless, that is, if you're having catfish for breakfast.

5) It is perfectly legal to mix grits, eggs, and chopped bacon or sausage together into a big ol' mess on your plate, though it is best to engage in the practice at home. It is tolerated at Waffle House, but frowned upon during Sunday brunch at the Hilton.

6) Some supermarkets in California do sell grits to satisfy the needs of transplanted southerners. You may want to pick up a bag and get your chops together before wading in with the big boys. If you do so, it would be wise to discard the unused portion of uncooked grits. Do not attempt to transport them across Arizona and New Mexico. In the event your vehicle is searched, the police in those states will not recognize grits as food and may detain you on suspicion of smuggling some new sort of drug.

7) "Grits" is both singular and plural. There is no such thing as "a grit". Using this grammatical idiosyncrasy as a basis for "humor" will instantly mark you as a non-southerner. Real southerners grew tired of those kind of "jokes" back in elementary school.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 05 Jan 17 - 10:53 PM

Hmmm... "I thought I just didn't GIVE two fucks..." Can't be arsed to proof read either. But, you know that.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 05 Jan 17 - 08:15 PM

So that's what I have. I thought I just didn't two fucks from Tuesday about anything any more. Well, now I can not bother with anything or anyone and be fine with it. I feel relieved.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Jan 17 - 12:06 PM

Some of my relatives showed up for my sister's funeral. I was surprised, not because they showed up (we do that sort of thing, if just to make sure the person is dead) but because I recognized some of them after 30+ years.

My sister left debts, but nobody seems to want a share.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 04 Jan 17 - 06:25 PM

Well... that's Kissmeass put away. Mum didn't put up very many decorations this year. She tires easily. Looked nice. Too bad my asshole English/Irish relatives didn't visit so she could show it off. She made their existence and prosperity possible but they are so self-absorbed, they can't even be arsed to show even a modicum of thanks with a short visit. Trash. Fuckin trash.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 04 Jan 17 - 04:08 PM

Try this! Next time you order eggs in a restaurant and the waiter asks how you would like them say, "I would like them very much!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 03 Jan 17 - 09:57 PM

Amos, when you stop in Meridian, MS on the 14th, be sure to eat some cheese grits and fried catfish. I can't recommend a particular restaurant, but there's no need to. If it doesn't have golden arches, it'll probably have cheese grits and fried catfish. And if you can't find a restaurant the has them, just stand outside your motel holding up a sign that says, "Need cheese grits and fried catfish!" Somebody will help you out.

By the way, if you order a salad with your cheese grits and fried catfish, don't expect a salad fork. They are illegal in the southeast except in the Buckhead section of Atlanta and some parts of south Florida.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Jan 17 - 07:31 PM

Looks like we'll be here for another week.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Jan 17 - 07:26 PM

Amen.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 03 Jan 17 - 03:40 AM

We reek with fatigue; event he dog is muddled and lethargic, but in her case it's from sedatives required to allow the vet to express her anal sacs. No freedom of expressiont here; she must have heard about the election.

Anyway she (the dog) is coming out from under while we are juggling handymen, escrow papers, long distance checklists, and skittle-headed collywobbles in the buyer. We decided to buy the used riding mower in North Carolina, and the left-over propane fuel, and get the spark arrestor put back in where it was airlifted out of the chimney here, but not to tent on the basis of vapours in the buyer here; of such stuff our days are made.

It still looks like our itinerary will be Cottonwood on the 11th, El Paso ont he 12th, Fort Worth on the 13th, Meridien MS on the 14th, Charlotte NC on the 15th and Hillsborough NC on the 16th of January.

LEt us pray.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Jan 17 - 01:59 PM

Beautiful day yesterday, no ice. Cloudy today and a misty rain sometimes. Current temp 44F, about the same as yesterday.

She has some very vibrant colors, but black and blue really don't look good on her.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 02 Jan 17 - 12:43 PM

Speaking of tumblers, did you know that the reason large drinking vessels with no handles are called "tumblers" is because they were originally made with rounded bottoms? They were used in pubs and the rounded bottoms were meant to discourage nursing of drinks. If you can't set your pint on the bar, you're going to drink it up and either order another or leave and give your spot to someone else.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 02 Jan 17 - 10:41 AM

Oh dear! I hope she gets some good drugs for the pain. Dislocated fingers can be a real ouch.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 02 Jan 17 - 10:35 AM

♫♫♫♫

See them tumbling down
When there is ice on the ground
And rubber boots can't be found
Slipping along with the tumbling tumblers

♫♫♫♫


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 02 Jan 17 - 09:34 AM

Sorry to hear of the Missus's injuries. Yes, a dislocated finger and a bruised knee are consistent with what one would expect from taking a tumble. More serious injuries, such as broken bones and severe abrasions, do not result from tumbles. They are caused by genuine old-fashioned ass-busting.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Jan 17 - 01:23 AM

Heal, heal! We spent last night with friends seeing the NY in in NY and then today they threw a farewell party for us, too. Very touching and sweet, a large cadre of dear friends promising to come use outr guest room in North Carolina. We may be starting a movement.

I am exhausted.

Good night, Mom! Happy New YEar.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 01 Jan 17 - 10:45 PM

Oh, dear. My best wishes and I hope the rest of the trip is smooth sailing.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Jan 17 - 09:32 PM

It's really exciting sitting in the emergency room while your wife has xrays and things. Fortunately her tumble only resulted in a dislocated left index finger and a badly bruised left knee. I discovered the yes, your cell phone will indeed work outside your area code for calling 911.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 01 Jan 17 - 03:25 PM

Perhaps she drank the bottle while seated under one of those Australian pines. Not a pine, despite the look, and with the interesting name She-oak (according to Wikipedia).


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 01 Jan 17 - 01:02 PM

Easy with the big, bold, all caps stuff there, Rap. Mom's trying to recover from that bottle of scorpion and snake wine she drank last night. She doesn't really have a hangover, just pervasive doubts about her own sanity for having actually consumed a bottle of scorpion and snake wine, especially since there was no double-dog-dare involved.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Jan 17 - 11:40 AM

HAPPY NEW YEAR, MOM!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 Dec 16 - 10:43 PM

I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your trees up down.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 31 Dec 16 - 06:28 PM

Another tree on which there are no bag limits in Florida is the Australian Pine (Casuarina cunninghamiana), an invasive species which has virtually taken over parts of south Florida, including The Everglades.

Not only are there no bag limits, but there are no restrictions on the types of sporting arms one may use to take them. Whereas most tree species may be taken by anything from a single-shot .22 to a semi-automatic assault rifle, Australian pines may be blasted with anything you want. Machine guns, flamethrowers, tanks, howitzers, barrel bombs, backpacks full of C-4, you name it. If you can make it go "POW!", "BOOM!", or "WHOOSH!" you can use it.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 31 Dec 16 - 04:29 PM

I am Irish but so are the Scots even though they wear skirts instead of kilts. So, in the spirit of kinship, LET'S GET PISSED!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 31 Dec 16 - 07:25 AM

I don't like tallow trees... stick to the roof of my mouth and even the gravy is tough.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 31 Dec 16 - 07:13 AM

In general, there's a four tree per species bag limit on trees, with a maximum of twelve trees of all species combined. Pecan trees may only be taken by landowners or their guests shooting on their own property. There's no bag limit on yaupon holly, smooth sumac, or Chinese tallow tree.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 31 Dec 16 - 05:29 AM

What's the bag limit down there, BWL? Is it an overall limit of all species or is it by species? I find a ratio of three birch to one spruce is a nice blend.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 30 Dec 16 - 10:19 PM

Hi, Mom! I had a very relaxing interlude this afternoon. I sat outside here at my humble home in the woods for a half-hour or so and did nothing but listen to the sounds of Mother Nature. The predominant sounds were the cawing of crows, the barking of squirrels, and the crazy Woody Woodpecker calls of pileated woodpeckers, all against a steady background of the "pop-pop-pop" of semi-automatic rifle fire. And way off in the distance, I could hear the ring of cash register bells at the local gun shop as they rang up a a few hundred more rounds of 7.62×39mm ammo for Bubba and Jim Bob to blast hell out of a few more pine trees.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 30 Dec 16 - 09:14 AM

I will be on an extended errand-running excursion today, and may not return to Momland until after 4:20 PM Mudcat time. So, I'm tossing this pair of water wings to Mom just in case. Please note that water wings are toys, not life-saving devices, and should only be used with adult supervision. At least that's what the label says, though I have no idea exactly where adult supervision may be found on this thread.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: keberoxu
Date: 29 Dec 16 - 04:20 PM

Foam pool noodles, indeed....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Dec 16 - 10:10 PM

Playing in the key of GOB?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 28 Dec 16 - 09:25 PM

The problem with giving roads a letter instead of a name or nunber is that the names of over a third of the letters in our alphabet rhyme.

"Did you say turn left onto P and then right onto C?"

"No I said turn left onto B and then right onto Z."

Same problem as calling the key at noisy jam sessions. "Did you say 'D'?" "No, I said 'G'." "Oh, 'B'!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 28 Dec 16 - 06:05 PM

The map is not the territory, even when it talks funny. Thus spake Mom.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 28 Dec 16 - 09:55 AM

Be careful driving in Missouri, Rap. Their secondary roads often have letters instead of numbers or real names. There's nothing inherently wrong with that, but it just seems a bit weird to those of us from numbered/named road territory. There's something disconcerting about driving on "J" or "EE" instead of "State Highway 4" or "Old Martin Road".


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Dec 16 - 05:56 AM

See ya this evening, Mom, if not sooner. Then I'll be in a foreign land, far from here. Yes, Mom, tonight I'll be in Saint Louis, Misery.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 27 Dec 16 - 08:47 PM

Odd. They don't seem to break out in recruiting offices, police stations, gun stores, farm and ranch stores, biker and cowboy bars.... Then I try to shop at locally owned stores, then box stores like Home Depot, and then online. I can't remember the last time I was in an enclosed mall.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 27 Dec 16 - 01:29 PM

Yes, there seems to be an inexplicable rash of brawls breaking out in shopping malls. I don't understand it, but I don't understand why people go to malls in the first place. I would be more personally concerned if a rash of fights should break out in feed and hardware stores.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: keberoxu
Date: 27 Dec 16 - 11:15 AM

Stilly River Sage, what the heck gives in Fort Worth -- the mall fight -- aren't they above that sort of thing?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 27 Dec 16 - 12:28 AM

Hello, Central! Give Mom's BS!
Of all the world's web sites, hers is the best6!
So hello, Central, give me Mom's BS!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Dec 16 - 09:58 PM

I shan't be totally cut off. I shall have my notebook computer, and Quincy, Illinois has Internet access. First you have to ring up Central and tell Elsie you need a connection....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 26 Dec 16 - 09:51 PM

We are well stocked with lifesaving devices to help ensure Mom's personal safety during Amos and Rap's absence. We have a life ring with rope, several life vests, a canoe, and a couple of foam pool noodles. And we promise to sign up for a CPR class at the Red Cross ASAP.

And, in the event the old bat doesn't feel like being saved, we also have a couple of anchors, lots of chain, and numerous concrete blocks.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: keberoxu
Date: 26 Dec 16 - 08:36 PM

While Amos makes ready to move from blue to red geographically, and His Imperious Rapness honors his obligations to his family of origin, don't forget to keep MOAB above the surface.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Dec 16 - 09:58 AM

Either Amos is getting smarter or he's been around a heckuva lot longer than we've been led to believe.


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