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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Rapparee 14 Jul 11 - 10:35 AM
Rapparee 13 Jul 11 - 11:25 PM
Little Hawk 13 Jul 11 - 08:48 PM
Eiseley 13 Jul 11 - 08:33 PM
Acme 13 Jul 11 - 08:05 PM
Little Hawk 13 Jul 11 - 07:47 PM
Amos 13 Jul 11 - 07:26 PM
Little Hawk 13 Jul 11 - 07:11 PM
Rapparee 13 Jul 11 - 06:45 PM
Amos 13 Jul 11 - 05:59 PM
gnu 13 Jul 11 - 05:50 PM
Eiseley 13 Jul 11 - 05:30 PM
Acme 13 Jul 11 - 03:36 PM
Amos 13 Jul 11 - 03:29 PM
Rapparee 13 Jul 11 - 02:33 PM
Amos 13 Jul 11 - 01:21 PM
Little Hawk 13 Jul 11 - 10:25 AM
Rapparee 13 Jul 11 - 09:44 AM
Little Hawk 13 Jul 11 - 07:00 AM
Amos 12 Jul 11 - 10:34 PM
Rapparee 12 Jul 11 - 09:59 PM
Rapparee 12 Jul 11 - 09:37 PM
Acme 12 Jul 11 - 08:11 PM
Rapparee 12 Jul 11 - 07:42 PM
gnu 12 Jul 11 - 06:56 PM
Rapparee 12 Jul 11 - 06:48 PM
Amos 12 Jul 11 - 01:58 PM
Rapparee 12 Jul 11 - 01:42 PM
Eiseley 12 Jul 11 - 11:47 AM
Rapparee 11 Jul 11 - 07:35 PM
gnu 11 Jul 11 - 02:53 PM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 11 Jul 11 - 02:16 PM
Amos 11 Jul 11 - 01:28 PM
GUEST,Rapparee 11 Jul 11 - 01:20 PM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 11 Jul 11 - 11:53 AM
Amos 11 Jul 11 - 11:41 AM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 11 Jul 11 - 11:40 AM
Amos 11 Jul 11 - 11:33 AM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 11 Jul 11 - 10:26 AM
Rapparee 11 Jul 11 - 10:16 AM
Amos 11 Jul 11 - 09:38 AM
Little Hawk 10 Jul 11 - 11:41 PM
gnu 10 Jul 11 - 10:05 PM
Rapparee 10 Jul 11 - 06:22 PM
Acme 10 Jul 11 - 05:00 PM
Amos 10 Jul 11 - 04:33 PM
Amos 10 Jul 11 - 10:38 AM
Acme 10 Jul 11 - 10:24 AM
Amos 10 Jul 11 - 09:59 AM
Eiseley 09 Jul 11 - 11:33 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Jul 11 - 10:35 AM

Legion caught a Californicator tryin' ta sneak inta the Hovel once. They tied him to a chair and made him drink pure California orange juice until he was sick of it and then switched to Florida OJ. He got sicker'n a dog. Finally, they took pity on him an' gave him a job cleanin' out the cuspidors. After a couple of years of that they made him an Assistant Associate Temporary Potential Member, and just last week voted him "Potential Member" for his long and fateful service. His name is Arnold or Andy or somethin' Swartsensomething. Up at the Hovel he's just called "Cal" (fer Californicator) or "Dummy" or worse.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Jul 11 - 11:25 PM

Yes, much like Northern Ontario, only more sanitary. And the spuds chucked are cooked and mashed, because we don't want to hurt anyone 'ceptin' them dadgummed Californicators. THEM use fer targit practice, but 'tain't hardly fair what with them jist standin' 'round talkin' 'bout peace and love and their joints all the time.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 13 Jul 11 - 08:48 PM

That sport is called "purling", and it's only done in Idaho, same as raping squirrels, marrying several of one's farm animals, and showering only on every 10th birthday. ;-)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Eiseley
Date: 13 Jul 11 - 08:33 PM

Oh, my children are now looking at me askance because your comment made me guffaw, Stilly!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 13 Jul 11 - 08:05 PM

Hurling potatoes! Next you'll tell me you move them with brooms.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 13 Jul 11 - 07:47 PM

LOL!

Wolves positively despise spudchuckers. If you've ever been hit in the eye by a hurled potatoe, you'll know why.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 13 Jul 11 - 07:26 PM

I love trees well, but do not hug them. I hug wolves, and they gather around me ready to seek instant vengeance on any who hurl spuds in my direction. Let spud-chuckers all stand clear as they value their knees and buttocks!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 13 Jul 11 - 07:11 PM

"The true dachsund knows that anything of any importance relates directly to his ability or desire to eat, sleep, pass waste, chase interesting objects, bite things, and occasionally, to mate. What else is there in existence of any merit?"

That's pretty accurate, Amos, but it doesn't cover the dog's emotional needs, and they are considerable. Trust me on this. Dachshunds deeply crave companionship. They yearn for praise and acceptance. They do not like being made sport of. They want a lot of affection.

Outside of that your comments were most apt. I just thought I'd add in the emotional components.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Jul 11 - 06:45 PM

We'uns out hyar in Ideeho chuck spuds at them dang-slab Californicators that move hyar and try ta tell us how ta run our State. Tree huggin' wolf lovers, ever' danged one of 'em. Outa be run outa hyar, 'ceptin' we need their tax money.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 13 Jul 11 - 05:59 PM

That all depends, sir, on whose herring is being choked!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 13 Jul 11 - 05:50 PM

Although NB is big potatoe country (I refer you to the McCain frozen french fry and beyond empire) I prefer to remain traditional and be called a herring choker rather than a spudchucker... thank you very much.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Eiseley
Date: 13 Jul 11 - 05:30 PM

One reason I like MOM is because it takes someone of a certain ilk to dare traipse into her halls and post something. About the worst that happens here is that one can be Shatnered upon or made pun of. Or called a Spudchucker.

Eiseley


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 13 Jul 11 - 03:36 PM

Who knew that the MOAB would be one of the last bastions of sanity in Mudcat-land these days?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 13 Jul 11 - 03:29 PM

I refuse to be bullied by small-minded political correctitude, sir. The generic use of "he" in the general sense to cover all genders of the species is underastood, except in cases of wilful, obdurate intransigence, as here.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Jul 11 - 02:33 PM

What about a dachshund bitch, Amos? You specifically said "he" and did not mention the "she". I know at least two, Rose and Lily, who will piddle on your shoes and nip your ankles for that.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 13 Jul 11 - 01:21 PM

The true dachsund knows that anything of any importance relates directly to his ability or desire to eat, sleep, pass waste, chase interesting objects, bite things, and occasionally, to mate. What else is there in existence of any merit? All esle is but noise and trivia, signifying nothing.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 13 Jul 11 - 10:25 AM

Ah.

Of course!

Thank you.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Jul 11 - 09:44 AM

Of course. EVERYTHING applies to dachshunds. You need only ask them.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 13 Jul 11 - 07:00 AM

Does the foregoing apply in any way to the daily life of Dachshunds?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 12 Jul 11 - 10:34 PM

I was already familiar with the legacy of the purple dye and its origins. That part was very good.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Jul 11 - 09:59 PM

And yes, that was indeed cut & paste -- from the email I sent to Spider. In short, I cut & pasted myself. I did forget to put the last line in italics, but I don't think that's a capital offense, not on the 'Cat and especially not on Mom.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Jul 11 - 09:37 PM

...Tyrian purple was expensive: the 4th-century-BC historian Theopompus reported, "Purple for dyes fetched its weight in silver at Colophon" in Asia Minor. The expense rendered purple-dyed textiles status symbols, and early sumptuary laws dictated and forbade their use. The production of shellfish purple was tightly controlled in Byzantium and subsidized by the imperial court, which restricted its use for the colouring of silks for imperial use, so that a child born to a reigning emperor was porphyrogenitos, "born in the purple", although this may also have to do with the fact that the Imperial birthing apartment was walled in the purple-red rock known as porphyry.

The dye substance consists of a mucous secretion from the hypobranchial gland of one of several medium-sized predatory sea snails found in the eastern Mediterranean. These are the marine gastropods Bolinus brandaris the spiny dye-murex, (originally known as Murex brandaris (Linnaeus, 1758)), the banded dye-murex Hexaplex trunculus, and the rock-shell Stramonita haemastoma. The dye is an organic compound of bromine (i.e. an organobromine compound), a class of compounds often found in algae and some other sea life, but much more rarely in the biology of land animals.

In Biblical Hebrew, the dye extracted from the Bolinus brandaris is known as argaman (ארגמן). Another dye extracted from a related sea snail, Hexaplex trunculus, produced an indigo colour called tekhelet (תְּכֵלֶת‎), used in garments worn for ritual purposes.


There's more on Wikipedia for you doubters!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 12 Jul 11 - 08:11 PM

I think that is more along the lines of a Shaggy Dog story, less a pun, don't you?

Does Chongo know how to read our magic writing? Maybe you could discuss the nasty things about him behind his back right under his nose. So to speak.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Jul 11 - 07:42 PM

The yard is, except for sealing the concrete curbings, mulching, and the placement of a large rock, complete. Come up and see us sometime, all you flatlanders, and see what a beautiful job was done!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 12 Jul 11 - 06:56 PM

Tsk tsk tsk. Effort effort effort. Sadly lacking cut and paste.

Pastey and not cutting. Undercooked.

Sorry, but I calls em as I read em.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Jul 11 - 06:48 PM

Jealousy ill becomes you, Amos. But I think you for the groan, which is the Sign Of The Great Pun.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 12 Jul 11 - 01:58 PM

I groan in your general direction. Yes, parts of the tale are very good, and parts of it are very original. Unfortunately....



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Jul 11 - 01:42 PM

Well, I guess. Since you asked nicely and all.

Many years ago on the shores of the Mediterranean, people would risk their lives diving to collect a particular kind of shellfish. Many died, but the shellfish yielded the dye known as "Tyrian Purple" and was so costly that it could only be purchased by the very wealthy and powerful -- emperors, for example.

Recent archeology has brought some new facts to light about the preparation of and the ceremonies surrounding this legendary dye.

First, after the shellfish were brought to shore and scraped out of their shells, they were placed in large vats. They were then soaked in urine to dissolve the chemicals which produced the dye. The urine was flung onto the bodies of the shellfish by war heroes, those who had lost an eye or a limb in battle and to fling the "chamber lye" was considered a great honor.

When the dye had been extracted, the vats were washed and the shellfish (which previously had been toxic because of the chemicals which made up the dye) were now fit to eat. Again, only the heroes were permitted to partake of this culinary delight.

Honored in song even today, this select group of warriors were and are highly honored and were known throughout the Mediterranean countries as the "One-Eyed, One-Armed, Flying Pee-Pee Purple Eaters."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Eiseley
Date: 12 Jul 11 - 11:47 AM

So, are you going to share this original pun with us? Or have you forgotten it?

Eiseley


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Jul 11 - 07:35 PM

I know one he doesn't know. In fact, the only person I've shared it with was the punmeister himself, Spider Robinson. He paid it the compliment of calling "the first original pun" he'd heard in a very long time.

Ha!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 11 Jul 11 - 02:53 PM

I have a copy of Too Much Saxon Violence somewhere. Must find it and send it to Sev... there might be a pun in it he doesn't know.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 11 Jul 11 - 02:16 PM

So you are sayin' that because you run off at the mouth more than I do that you are more important than me?

Ha! Try it that the local bar, chump. I will be there to carry you unconscious out to the curb. People ain't that impressed by your overweanin' loquacity, know what I'm sayin'? Havin' you around yakkin' yer fool head off is like dyin' by Chinese water torture, one slow drip at a time.

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 Jul 11 - 01:28 PM

So far, Old Chimp, I have many, many more column inches in print here in our digital Cave of Beguiled Souls than you do, and I haven't seen your name in print anywhere else. So perhaps you are a self-deluded illusion, a fractious figment fomening fits of frantic but futile exponential unrealities?


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Rapparee
Date: 11 Jul 11 - 01:20 PM

This is the Intergalactic Overlord. For technical reasons I have been forced to assume the use of the Rapparee creature's electronic identity.

The Examiners found much dissonance and disharmony in the subject. So much was found that it is being debated whether or not the world which produced such a creature should continue or be moved to a different multiverse. I am in favor of such a move, being forced as I have been to assume this idiosyncratic arrangement.

The Intergalactic Overlord, Lord of All Universes and the Spaces Between, Overall Intelligence and Master of All







(Hi Mom!)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 11 Jul 11 - 11:53 AM

Like Sherlock Holmes or Philip Marlowe, I will live on forever, Amos, immortalized in print, indestructible and ageless, but you will soon vanish into obscurity like a bug that met its sorry demise on someone's windshield.

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 Jul 11 - 11:41 AM

I have no need for petty jealousies or incivil carping, you sad miasma of nebulous un-living fiction.

For I am alive. I am a REAL boy.



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 11 Jul 11 - 11:40 AM

Yer just jealous.

For my latest adventures, check the beginnin' of the week thread.

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 Jul 11 - 11:33 AM

Rages are red, violence is blue
Suckups are sour and so are imaginary PI's.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 11 Jul 11 - 10:26 AM

Sax and violins. All ya need to make a good movie.

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Jul 11 - 10:16 AM

I like violence because they smell so pretty.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 Jul 11 - 09:38 AM

That's mighty kind of your monkey, Little Hawk, but things are healingup at a decent rate, so I will pass on his generous offer to yet again commit mindless violence .


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 10 Jul 11 - 11:41 PM

You don't fool me, Amos. I know that you are suffering acute distress over Chongo's low opinion of you. After all, he is a public figure of considerable note, and what are you? A brilliant conversationalist, yes...but beyond that? Hmmm?   ;-D

Chongo says that he is sorry that your "face is lopsided like a whacked out chipmunk's" after your latest visit to "the dentist" (cough! cough!).

"Things gettin' rough in Tijuana?" he quipped.

Anyway, he says if you want, he is willing to do you the favor of punching you out a couple times on the other side of your face so that it will look properly balanced out.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 10 Jul 11 - 10:05 PM

Cuttin the grass has a different connotation in these here parts... with different parts. Nowt to do trim... ming the lawn.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Jul 11 - 06:22 PM

Rapparee has been cutting the grass and doing other chores prior to the guy coming tomorrow to dig up parts of the yards for landscaping. With luck and cooperation from the weather we'll have a very lovely backyard by the end of the week. Then Mom can sit on the back deck and sip iced tea while delighting in the roses, hydrangeas, bougainvillea, and other floral excitements (until Gluon runs amok in the gardens).


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 10 Jul 11 - 05:00 PM

Raparree is probably out getting stinking and swollen at the Legion hovel.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 10 Jul 11 - 04:33 PM

See, Mom??? All the guys are out running around, while I alone am staying home to nurse this swollen face and show my affection for you!! That oughta show that stinker Rapparree, huh???


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 10 Jul 11 - 10:38 AM

If only I could carry a sword like Rapp. Then I would be a sabre-toothsome tygre indeed.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 10 Jul 11 - 10:24 AM

Splendid poem, Eiseley! I've read that one before, but hadn't thought about it for a long time, and alas, the tree I pick from couldn't manage to heft me into space.

Amos, I'm sure you'll be a toothsome fellow by the time Getaway rolls around. (Is that description used for men?)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 10 Jul 11 - 09:59 AM

What a fine poem indeed.

My poor face is as swole up as a ellyfunk. But eventually I shall have a titanium tooth there in. Sigh.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Eiseley
Date: 09 Jul 11 - 11:33 PM

You always impress me, Amos.
I'm glad you didn't shoot your foot off, Rapparee.
Wild Mustang Grapes! Wow! I will now post a favorite poem on Stilly's behalf:

Wild Grapes

What tree may not the fig be gathered from?
The grape may not be gathered from the birch?
It's all you know the grape, or know the birch.
As a girl gathered from the birch myself
Equally with my weight in grapes, one autumn,
I ought to know what tree the grape is fruit of.
I was born, I suppose, like anyone,
And grew to be a little boyish girl
My brother could not always leave at home.
But that beginning was wiped out in fear
The day I swung suspended with the grapes,
And was come after like Eurydice
And brought down safely from the upper regions;
And the life I live now's an extra life
I can waste as I please on whom I please.
So if you see me celebrate two birthdays,
And give myself out of two different ages,
One of them five years younger than I look--
One day my brother led me to a glade
Where a white birch he knew of stood alone,
Wearing a thin head-dress of pointed leaves,
And heavy on her heavy hair behind,
Against her neck, an ornament of grapes.
Grapes, I knew grapes from having seen them last year.
One bunch of them, and there began to be
Bunches all round me growing in white birches,
The way they grew round Leif the Lucky's German;
Mostly as much beyond my lifted hands, though,
As the moon used to seem when I was younger,
And only freely to be had for climbing.
My brother did the climbing; and at first
Threw me down grapes to miss and scatter
And have to hunt for in sweet fern and hardhack;
Which gave him some time to himself to eat,
But not so much, perhaps, as a boy needed.
So then, to make me wholly self-supporting,
He climbed still higher and bent the tree to earth
And put it in my hands to pick my own grapes.
"Here, take a tree-top, I'll get down another.
Hold on with all your might when I let go."
I said I had the tree. It wasn't true.
The opposite was true. The tree had me.
The minute it was left with me alone
It caught me up as if I were the fish
And it the fishpole. So I was translated
To loud cries from my brother of "Let go!
Don't you know anything, you girl? Let go!"
But I, with something of the baby grip
Acquired ancestrally in just such trees
When wilder mothers than our wildest now
Hung babies out on branches by the hands
To dry or wash or tan, I don't know which,
(You'll have to ask an evolutionist)--
I held on uncomplainingly for life.
My brother tried to make me laugh to help me.
"What are you doing up there in those grapes?
Don't be afraid. A few of them won't hurt you.
I mean, they won't pick you if you don't them."
Much danger of my picking anything!
By that time I was pretty well reduced
To a philosophy of hang-and-let-hang.
"Now you know how it feels," my brother said,
"To be a bunch of fox-grapes, as they call them,
That when it thinks it has escaped the fox
By growing where it shouldn't--on a birch,
Where a fox wouldn't think to look for it--
And if he looked and found it, couldn't reach it--
Just then come you and I to gather it.
Only you have the advantage of the grapes
In one way: you have one more stem to cling by,
And promise more resistance to the picker."
One by one I lost off my hat and shoes,
And still I clung. I let my head fall back,
And shut my eyes against the sun, my ears
Against my brother's nonsense; "Drop," he said,
"I'll catch you in my arms. It isn't far."
(Stated in lengths of him it might not be.)
"Drop or I'll shake the tree and shake you down."
Grim silence on my part as I sank lower,
My small wrists stretching till they showed the banjo strings.
"Why, if she isn't serious about it!
Hold tight awhile till I think what to do.
I'll bend the tree down and let you down by it."
I don't know much about the letting down;
But once I felt ground with my stocking feet
And the world came revolving back to me,
I know I looked long at my curled-up fingers,
Before I straightened them and brushed the bark off.
My brother said: "Don't you weigh anything?
Try to weigh something next time, so you won't
Be run off with by birch trees into space."
It wasn't my not weighing anything
So much as my not knowing anything--
My brother had been nearer right before.
I had not taken the first step in knowledge;
I had not learned to let go with the hands,
As still I have not learned to with the heart,
And have no wish to with the heart--nor need,
That I can see. The mind--is not the heart.
I may yet live, as I know others live,
To wish in vain to let go with the mind--
Of cares, at night, to sleep; but nothing tells me
That I need learn to let go with the heart.

Robert Frost


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