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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Amos 09 May 10 - 12:19 PM
Rapparee 09 May 10 - 11:02 AM
Little Hawk 08 May 10 - 06:22 PM
Rapparee 08 May 10 - 06:01 PM
Little Hawk 08 May 10 - 04:55 PM
GUEST,Blind River Scribe 08 May 10 - 03:44 PM
Rapparee 08 May 10 - 11:54 AM
Acme 08 May 10 - 10:59 AM
Amos 08 May 10 - 10:39 AM
Amos 08 May 10 - 09:53 AM
Acme 07 May 10 - 11:48 PM
Amos 07 May 10 - 11:38 PM
Rapparee 07 May 10 - 10:02 PM
Amos 07 May 10 - 09:33 PM
Rapparee 07 May 10 - 08:17 PM
Acme 07 May 10 - 06:20 PM
Rapparee 07 May 10 - 05:25 PM
Little Hawk 07 May 10 - 03:56 PM
Amos 07 May 10 - 03:45 PM
Rapparee 07 May 10 - 03:13 PM
Rapparee 07 May 10 - 03:11 PM
Little Hawk 07 May 10 - 02:13 PM
Eiseley 07 May 10 - 01:51 PM
Rapparee 07 May 10 - 01:45 PM
Amos 07 May 10 - 01:44 PM
Acme 07 May 10 - 01:27 PM
MMario 07 May 10 - 01:05 PM
Rapparee 07 May 10 - 12:55 PM
Amos 07 May 10 - 10:52 AM
Rapparee 07 May 10 - 10:40 AM
MMario 07 May 10 - 10:17 AM
Rapparee 06 May 10 - 11:16 PM
GUEST,Eiseley 06 May 10 - 10:57 PM
Rapparee 06 May 10 - 09:51 PM
Amos 06 May 10 - 09:35 PM
Rapparee 06 May 10 - 07:35 PM
Rapparee 06 May 10 - 07:31 PM
Acme 06 May 10 - 06:33 PM
Amos 06 May 10 - 05:04 PM
Rapparee 06 May 10 - 04:19 PM
Rapparee 06 May 10 - 04:07 PM
Amos 06 May 10 - 03:55 PM
Rapparee 06 May 10 - 01:44 PM
GUEST,Eiseley 06 May 10 - 01:33 PM
Rapparee 06 May 10 - 01:01 PM
Rapparee 06 May 10 - 12:07 PM
Amos 06 May 10 - 11:41 AM
MMario 06 May 10 - 10:59 AM
Rapparee 06 May 10 - 09:20 AM
Rapparee 06 May 10 - 09:09 AM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 09 May 10 - 12:19 PM

There are Moms
Whom make you breakfast
And there are Moms
Who swat your bum
There are Moms
Who teach you Latin
Marching to
A different drum
There are Moms who patch your owies
Confiscate your Maui Wowie
But there's one Mom higher up
Than all the rest.
It's the Mom of freds and Catters
Mom of poems and anti-matter,
It's the one and only Mom of all BS!

Happy Mummer's Day, Mom. Thank you for everything and plus one.

And you can ignore Rapaire today as a special treat if you want.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 May 10 - 11:02 AM

Happy MOAB Day, Mom.

Of course no one but me remembered, and I found you fifth from the very bottom and beset by sundry low-lives and others like Shame McBride (who will forget his own mother today, because he was brought up by his Big Brother, Don, who now considers it a mistake).


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 08 May 10 - 06:22 PM

You know, I get chills sometimes, thinking about how I actually know him. And I saw Officer Dana once at the folk festival in Orillia. All I can say is, "Wowee". Some people sure look great in uniform. Mind you, I think she would look great in just about anything.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 May 10 - 06:01 PM

You can call me Shame
Or you can call me...ah,
Wait just a flippin' minute
And I'll remember what else you can call me.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 08 May 10 - 04:55 PM

Good stuff. ;-) Wow, eh? Will the real Shane please stand up?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Blind River Scribe
Date: 08 May 10 - 03:44 PM

Some guy who won't tell me his real name just promised me his second best set of brass knuckles if I would write down and send you the words to the song he's going to sing to me. Here you go:

Oh my Ma, she calls me Shane
She has since I was young.
But that don't be my real name
I only got but one.

Chorus:
You can call me Shane
Or you can call me Shame
But no one knows me real name
It's what I does to ye!


My Pa he called me sumpthin worse
That I won't tell you here
In case that Stilly River Sage
Is lookin' o'er this verse.

You can call me Shane
Or you can call me Shame
But no one knows me real name
It's what I does to ye!


Now Rap, he calls me Shame
That's still okay with me
Coz he is just a stupid cuss
That blankin' Rapaire

You can call me Shane
Or you can call me Shame
But no one knows me real name
It's what I does to ye!


Amos, yer lyin with what ya said,
You don't know a thing or two
Coz when you look in any glass,
A hoser's starin back at you.

You can call me Shane
Or you can call me Shame
But no one knows me real name
It's what I does to ye!


Now I don't know that new one,
What's her name, uh, "Eyes"
But don't believe whatever's wrote
I'm tellin you? they're lies!

You can call me Shane
Or you can call me Shame
But no one knows me real name
It's what I does to ye!


I hate them all?those birds of prey
Big, medium or Little
And Hawks are the worsest of them all
They can't even play the fiddle.

You can call me Shane
Or you can call me Shame
But no one knows me real name
It's what I does to ye!


I'll make fun of all your names
I'll do it night and day
Coz no one knows my real one,
Yer all to dumb to guess!

You can call me Shane
Or you can call me Shame
But no one knows me real name
It's what I does to ye!


The guy has stopped singing and has crawled over to hunker in the corner. He's drooling and foaming at the mouth and seems to be gnawing on half of an old cowboy boot. No, maybe it's a dirty potato. I can't really tell. I'm going to go call the ambulance. I think this guy must be on some kind of bad trip or something. I wouldn't have written this down for him, but he did give me these really great brass knuckles. Sorry folks.

Blind River Scribe


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 May 10 - 11:54 AM

My mother was passing through town, riding a freight car. My father was a hard-boiled private eye from Chicago named Chongo something. I was adopted by the McBride family who already had a disappointment named Don; they were hoping for something better.

They didn't get it. I'm a hoser, and I'm Shame. Shame McBride. I fall down a lot and slobber on myself.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 08 May 10 - 10:59 AM

I didn't know that Shane knew how to do italics.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 08 May 10 - 10:39 AM

They tell tales of rotten hosers in this town, going back, oh, as far as anyone remembers, every one of them rotten in their own special way, all of them complete hosers. Something about the water, the weather, the genes...no-one knows why. But this town has turned out legions of them--lacklusters, ne'er-do-wells, fuckups and bums, slackers moochers, sponges and losers. There's a new crop of them every few years or so. They run training sessions down at Molly's Midnight, the young ones gathering around the veterans, picking up tips on how to screw their lives up completely.

They grow up in nice suburban homes out by Fergus Estates, or on small farms in places like Joyland or Udney or down the shores of Simcoe.No matter. When the loser's streak is in your genes, you gravitate to Molly's, or the Palace over on Queen, or some dump like the Rooftop on Gill. Not just weekends. These hosers will roll in at opening any day of the week. They'll stretch two bucks worth of beer until closing time, shooting off their worthless mouths and starting fights.

Officer Dana knows them all, and she keeps a list in her squad car of the worst ones. My name's at the top,

They call me Shane. I'm a hoser."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 08 May 10 - 09:53 AM

Last night I sealed the grout again. It's done, and will not have to buff like that again for a year or so. Oi.

"The struggle itself...is enough to fill a man's heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy."Ê


(Camus)

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 07 May 10 - 11:48 PM

Well, shit. I was kind of looking forward to those stories. Little Hawk, interview the man, see if you can transcribe each title on that list into a story. I'm sure you can do it.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 May 10 - 11:38 PM

Someone suggested it but he got it confused with ordering beer...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 May 10 - 10:02 PM

Now if he'd paid more attention in school (before he dropped out in the second grade) he could sign stuff "XX" or the double cross -- very appropriate to him.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 May 10 - 09:33 PM

See? He can be clever!!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 May 10 - 08:17 PM

Shame signs his name with and "X" on his dole forms. If he wants to go incognito he puts a circle around it.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 07 May 10 - 06:20 PM

Oh. I skimmed LH's list and thought those were all subjects for short stories Shane wanted to write. Now that would have been interesting.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 May 10 - 05:25 PM

Go with Josie and the Pussycats. Or Boo-Boo and the Bares.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 07 May 10 - 03:56 PM

Wow, Rapaire! What a great list of band names! This is really gonna be tough.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 May 10 - 03:45 PM

Rotten Hosers?


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 May 10 - 03:13 PM

And, of course,

Josie and the Pussycats


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 May 10 - 03:11 PM

For Shame
Richard and the Heads
The Flats
New Feces On The Block
Bolthole Surfers
The Know-Nothings
Dumb and Ugly
Health Department Shutdown
No Girls Allowed
Cow Pie Pizza
The Cowardly Liars
Stage Puke
Skank Music
Wide Stance
Flatulence
Rock God Atheists
The Roll Yer Owns
The Archies


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 07 May 10 - 02:13 PM

Shane has ideas again about starting up a rock band and fronting it. He figures he can get girls that way and become rich and famous.

But he isn't sure what name the band should have. Can you people help him choose a good one?

Here are some possibilities he's considering:

The MotherFlippers

The Skank Rangers

Old Road Kill

Kid Moronic and the Useless Flippers

Flip Youse

Barf Sunday

Don, on the other hand, suggested:

The Pissants

Major Loozer

Laffing Stock

Village Idiotz

I think all those are pretty good, but you folks might come up with something even better. Go to it, eh?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Eiseley
Date: 07 May 10 - 01:51 PM

Yes, add some more, and make more photocopies of the other ones. Or, if you'd like, I'd be glad to enter them into the computer for you!

The boys want more Swamp Stories, and Tom says they're better than what he has to read for school.

K


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 May 10 - 01:45 PM

Well, they're on the J (external hard) drive on Pat's computer upstairs and I ripped them off from there.

I've got to spruce those up a bit and add some more....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 May 10 - 01:44 PM

Well...I suppose he could have different personalities, and have them steal from each other. It would cause stress to the primary, because a sort of cognitive dissonance would ensue. But the real core question is who would be experiencing the stress?

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 07 May 10 - 01:27 PM

Got the book, Eiseley. Looks interesting!

Rap, only if you're beside yourself can you plagiarize yourself.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 07 May 10 - 01:05 PM

MOM

Rap just confessed he is a self-plaigerist!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 May 10 - 12:55 PM

Myself. And I have a witness, 'cause Eiseley can vouch that I ripped myself off. And those were just the ones I've bothered to put on the computer -- the handwritten ones are still pristine photocopies of the originals which I sent to my nieces and nephews. Had ya worried, didn't I?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 May 10 - 10:52 AM

From whom, Rapaire?

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 May 10 - 10:40 AM

I must confess. I ripped off those stories I posted.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 07 May 10 - 10:17 AM

Stilly - I saw....out on FB


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 May 10 - 11:16 PM

The US promised a bonus to WWI veterans; this led to the so-called "Bonus Army" march and camp in DC -- they wanted the bonus they were promised NOW because the Depression was on. Dugout Doug MacArthur led the troops that teargassed the marchers, burned their camp, and ran tanks over the remains of the camp.

The $100 my brother is applying for is purely from the State of Illinois.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Eiseley
Date: 06 May 10 - 10:57 PM

Is that the bonus Uncle Mathias got, well, for WWI, not Vietnam?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 May 10 - 09:51 PM

Amos, I was just talking with my bro. He has the National Defense Service Medal (like everyone else), Good Conduct Medal, Marksman with the .38 pistol, an Outstanding Unit medal of some sort, the Vietnam Service ribbons, and the Air Medal with four oak leaf clusters.

He may be getting some more. The good thing about the VN ribbons and recognition of his VN service is that he has applied for the $100 Vietnam Veteran bonus the State of Illinois gives out.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 06 May 10 - 09:35 PM

Well, he probably deserves 'em. Even if he only translated he GReat Philosophical Treatises of the Nguen Dynasty.

Nguen was that?


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 May 10 - 07:35 PM

By the way, my youngest brother called about a half hour ago. He received his medals for service in Vietnam today, after just two and half years of proving to people in High Places that since the Air Farce taught him Vietnamese he probably did really serve in Vietnam.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 May 10 - 07:31 PM

Ah, Amos, may the cluirican come to live with you and not share.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 06 May 10 - 06:33 PM

Leo, consider it stolen again. And broadcast widely. . .


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 06 May 10 - 05:04 PM

Oh you Dullahan! You witless Gan Ceann! Nuffin' but a wry-witted, cheap unseelie fairie, headless, black-horsed, mothering frightened nightmares for the ruination of childhoods everywhere!! SHouldn't you be ashamed? I think surely you should. In any case, since you are doomed to pass on before me, bring on your black carriage, and I will ride it with a whoop and a curdling chortle, and drive you therein back to your never-to-be-blessed Court in Hell.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 May 10 - 04:19 PM

Please choose the effects you'd like from this menu. Choose as many as you wish:

1. Rocks and other hard things being thrown at random times day and night.

2. Freezing cold spots in all bathrooms.

3. Ectoplasmic appearances at inconvenient times.

4. Bloody heads and/or body parts appearing on the roof or in hallways.

5. Duets for ghostly bagpipes and banjos.

6. Blood spots which can't be washed away.

7. The Cóiste Bodhar.

8. Ghostly trumpet solos.

9. All of the above.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 May 10 - 04:07 PM

Just for that, Amos old man, when (and if) I make my final quietus, I shall let my spirit run riot in your abode no matter where that might be.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 06 May 10 - 03:55 PM

I guess he's only retired in the flesh, not in the spirit, if you see what I mean.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 May 10 - 01:44 PM

Don't forget the Chorus:

Since Rapaire went away, YEE-HAH!
Since Rapiare went away
But now the days are cold and bleak
Since Rapaire went away!

YEE-HAH!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Eiseley
Date: 06 May 10 - 01:33 PM

Snow in May, a paradox
Earth should be growing warm
But now a great big winter storm
Is bending down the phlox.

The sun, it used to shine all day.
We'd bask in balmy heat
But now the days are cold and bleak
Since Rapaire went away.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 May 10 - 01:01 PM

The sun, this bleak and leaden day
Shines cheerless on the SNOWS of May.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 May 10 - 12:07 PM

Yeah, but that means she knows what the ending is and when. You'd think she could at least let me know so I can get whatever affairs I'm having in order.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 06 May 10 - 11:41 AM

Rapaire, she just SAID not to give away the ending. C'mon! Rules is rules...


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 06 May 10 - 10:59 AM

I thought this would be appreciated here at the MOAB....

I stole this from an SCA e=list poster who stole it from an un named e-mail source.

The fundamental particle of confusion is the jargon.
If a jargon and an anti-jargon collide, they annihilate
each other, with the emission of a pair of high-energy
grammar rays.


Brilliant, yes? I wonder if they have a duck-dog?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 May 10 - 09:20 AM

So don't anyone give away the ending.

WHAT ending? Do you know something I don't? You know when and how I'm going to end? I don't want to end! Not until I can go to Confession and do penance (okay, forget the penance, I do that every day). A clean breast of it all before I Check Out, okay? Not like my Uncle Herman, who cashed in his chips flagrantly delicious, so to speak, and caused my Aunt Maude all sorts of trouble covering up the scandal. What ending? Let me know so I can sleep in that day!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 May 10 - 09:09 AM

Moms run fast both day and night
Deep in the heart of taxis...


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