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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Little Hawk 15 Jun 16 - 05:47 PM
Amos 15 Jun 16 - 02:20 PM
Little Hawk 15 Jun 16 - 12:23 PM
Rapparee 15 Jun 16 - 10:41 AM
Little Hawk 15 Jun 16 - 12:16 AM
Rapparee 14 Jun 16 - 11:08 PM
Acme 14 Jun 16 - 10:44 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 14 Jun 16 - 10:37 PM
Amos 14 Jun 16 - 06:04 PM
Little Hawk 14 Jun 16 - 01:00 PM
Little Hawk 14 Jun 16 - 12:52 PM
gnu 14 Jun 16 - 10:07 AM
Rapparee 14 Jun 16 - 09:37 AM
Rapparee 13 Jun 16 - 10:38 PM
Rapparee 13 Jun 16 - 10:33 PM
Little Hawk 13 Jun 16 - 10:41 AM
Rapparee 13 Jun 16 - 08:47 AM
Little Hawk 12 Jun 16 - 10:01 PM
Rapparee 12 Jun 16 - 09:57 PM
Little Hawk 12 Jun 16 - 03:00 PM
Acme 12 Jun 16 - 01:09 PM
Rapparee 12 Jun 16 - 10:04 AM
Rapparee 12 Jun 16 - 09:48 AM
Little Hawk 12 Jun 16 - 12:55 AM
Rapparee 11 Jun 16 - 10:02 AM
Rapparee 11 Jun 16 - 09:33 AM
Rapparee 11 Jun 16 - 09:32 AM
Little Hawk 11 Jun 16 - 12:21 AM
Rapparee 10 Jun 16 - 10:35 PM
Little Hawk 10 Jun 16 - 12:59 PM
Rapparee 10 Jun 16 - 11:51 AM
Little Hawk 10 Jun 16 - 11:45 AM
Rapparee 10 Jun 16 - 12:21 AM
Little Hawk 09 Jun 16 - 10:20 PM
Little Hawk 09 Jun 16 - 07:35 PM
Rapparee 09 Jun 16 - 09:57 AM
Little Hawk 09 Jun 16 - 03:03 AM
Little Hawk 09 Jun 16 - 12:33 AM
Rapparee 08 Jun 16 - 10:46 PM
Little Hawk 08 Jun 16 - 04:08 PM
Amos 08 Jun 16 - 01:57 PM
Rapparee 08 Jun 16 - 12:03 PM
Acme 08 Jun 16 - 07:13 AM
Rapparee 07 Jun 16 - 10:43 PM
Little Hawk 07 Jun 16 - 10:11 PM
Rapparee 07 Jun 16 - 07:02 PM
Little Hawk 07 Jun 16 - 01:50 PM
Little Hawk 07 Jun 16 - 01:44 PM
Rapparee 07 Jun 16 - 01:04 PM
gnu 07 Jun 16 - 01:02 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 15 Jun 16 - 05:47 PM

Chongo has always regarded you as offensive too, Amos, but not in regards to your personal style or comportment or anything like that. Rather, in regards to your obvious specism, your hatred of apes and monkeys, and it is that unfortunate aspect of your otherwise fine character that will probably result in you being placed on the "special list" of individuals to be dealt with by the Primate Justice Department (PJD) following Chongo's inauguration next January. Rap, of course, has been on that list for years, and will be the first to be arrested.

I know how much you lust after Penelope, Amos, and I do sympathize, but you are not the first to have met complete frustration along that line of fantasy. No, they number in the thousands. So get back near the end of the line, my good man, and be prepared to wait, probably until Hell freezes over, Donald Trump becomes humble, and Hillary Clinton grows a heart...meaning....never.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 15 Jun 16 - 02:20 PM

Well, I am. And I gae a great gurgle of delight to read of Chongo finally catching some of his due in the form of that high-powered rifle bullet. Really, he is a very offensive little brute, according to Penelope herself, who shared this opinion with me during a session of pillow-talk just down the hall from where Veronica was sleeping it off. She showed up wearing one of those fluffy white bathrobes the Omni provides, but decided it was too warm.

Just so ya know, man...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 15 Jun 16 - 12:23 PM

Oh, for heaven's sake...

I am reminded of the scene in the Woody Allen film where he is standing in the movie lineup with Dianne Keaton and he gets in an argument with the blabbering, pretentious fool standing behind them who claims he knows all about Marshall McLuhan because he teaches a University course on McLuhan....and Woody Allen says, "It so happens I have Marshall McLuhan right here."

Rap, it so happens I have Renata and Chongo right here, and you know what Renata says?

This: "You know nothing of Little Hawk's characters! Your attempts to depict them in dramatic prose fall way wide of the mark, and make me wonder how you could ever imagine yourself to be capable of writing about them at all? And you say you were a librarian? No wonder the nation's libraries are falling into disuse! But, by all means, continue acquainting us with the dark visions that haunt your addled little mind. I'm sure it will be quite useful research material for Herr Liebenscheiss when he takes on the job of giving you some sorely needed psychoanalysis."

And what does Chongo say?

This: "He's a hopeless bozo. Don't pay no mind to his silly ramblin's 'cause they don't add up to a flyspeck on a shithouse wall."

(I was wondering, though, when you would bring "Renata" properly into the story. Your version of her, I mean... And who is Slim Thing based on? Your first wife?)

And is anyone except me reading your tale?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Jun 16 - 10:41 AM

My killin's aren't arbitrary. Anyone I kill needs killin'.

Now, "Bad Penny Rutledge" kills for the pleasure of seeing those she considers her adversaries dead. Only a psychopath or sociopath or a psychotic sociopath kills for pleasure.

But let us rejoin Chongx on the rooftops as he shows up in the crosshairs of a rifle sight.

The gunman squeeeezed the trigger and Chongx fell, fortunately onto the roof. His last thoughts were that he was glad that the two chickadees had managed to fly away without being glommed on.

He slowly, slowly, awakened, somehow aware of pain in his hip and that his wrists and legs were manacled or something. Somehow he knew he was in a basement or anyway underground somewhere. He'd been on a roof. It was confusing.

Then a cold, wet, towel viciously smacked both sides of his face and he was fully awake.

The first thing he saw was Slim Thing, bending over him and so angry he was spitting with each word.

"YOU cost me a dame twice! A genuine high-class dame! YOU shot two of my goons! You cost me the value of a roll with the dame, not to mention what we would have taken from the john's pockets! Now you are going to tell me where she is and who the other dame is so we can set up a twofer for the really flush suckers!

"Don't know," murmured Chongx. "Hip hurts. Handcuffs...too tight."

"Yer leg irons are pretty tight too. Yer gonna hurt even more real quick if you don't tell me where they are."

"Can't. No idea," replied the ape.

"You sure? Well, in that case I think we'll have someone very special see if you can be made to talk." He called out someone behind hime, "Okay, we do it the hard way."

A door opened and Renata walked in.

"He's yours," said Slim Thing. "Make him talk."

"With pleasure," murmured Renata, sliding her hands down her leather-clad hips. "With pleasure, and with pain."


(Oh Boy!! You can't wait, can you? Don't you wish you knew what happens next? Stop slobbering in anticipation -- it's unsightly.)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 15 Jun 16 - 12:16 AM

Well, he is fond of saying "trouble is my middle name".

Now, let's see, Rap. You have arbitrarily killed off 2 of my main characters. (Winston Wellington-Jones and Hector Ballsworthy) You have caused another main character, the esteemed Ms Rutledge to commit 4 murders, albeit one of them offscreen.

This means you already owe me so much in reparations that it will take you another 3 lifetimes just to BEGIN paying them off!

And meanwhile I shall, of course, simply resurrect the characters, as happens in fiction and video games.

I look forward to receiving your first $10,000 installment at the beginning of July.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Jun 16 - 11:08 PM

The three moved quickly away, not so rapidly as to attract attention but quickly. Veronica was the first to notice Chongx's absence and she mentioned it to her aunt.

Penelope pointed to roof and then fire escape of a building across the street. A short, hairy figure in a fedora was swinging along, grasping whatever seemed handy. Once it stopped and looked back at them, then continued.

"Flank guard, I suppose," said Penelope.

They reached Cicero Avenue and Penelope flagged a cab. The figure on the rooftop waved goodbye and vanished.

"Omni, please, and hurry," Penelope told the driver. He shrugged and took off for the Loop.

Penelope sat back and looked at Veronica. "We'll talk, eventually," she said. "But first let's get you cleaned up, have a good dinner, and a sound night's sleep."

At the hotel they went immediately to Penelope's room and once inside Veronica flopped into one of the easy chairs and began to sob. Penelope said nothing, knowing that the sobs were a reaction to recent events. Finally, the crying stopped and Veronica said, "I think I'd like to take a long, hot shower."

"Help yourself," said Penelope, "the bath is in the room to the left. There are two beds in the bedroom of this suite, one of them is yours. You'll find some nice, fluffy, bathrobes in the closet in the bathroom. And Veronica...if you need a sleeping aid I have some."

"Thank you, Aunt Penelope," replied Veronica sincerely.

(Let them sleep. Chongx is in deep trouble.)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 14 Jun 16 - 10:44 PM

I suspect it is a matter of they haven't been observed flinging poop.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 14 Jun 16 - 10:37 PM

All Chongo fans should read Yann Martel's latest book, The High Mountains of Portugal. Chimpanzees are prominently featured. Though none of them drink rye, wear fedoras, or shoot .44s, they also don't fling poop.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 14 Jun 16 - 06:04 PM

...unlike certain fur-bearing, buck-toothed, foul-smelling bipeds I could mention.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 14 Jun 16 - 01:00 PM

Chongo (again): "As for the Rutledge dame, that one can do whatever she decides to, see, 'cause she has enough money to buy haffa Manhattan, plus the wit to stay calm and focused on the main objective in spite of it. Them kind are pretty much unstoppable. The law can't touch 'em. They got too many connections. This proves to me that humans ain't a total waste of space on this planet. You never know, they might yet evolve into a species with real possibilities..."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 14 Jun 16 - 12:52 PM

Chongo: "Boy, I tell ya, when ol' Raparree sets about to writin' a crime noir story, he don't pull no punches. This stuff is like a mix of Mickey Spillane crossed with the Sam Spade stories. Not bad at all. And he never lets the truth get in the way of spinnin' a good tale. I guess all them years of bein' a librarian wasn't the total waste for him that I figgered it would be. The part I like best is the part where I disassemble and clean the 1911 gun. Yessir, that was a tour de force, as the French would say. Ook! Ook!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 14 Jun 16 - 10:07 AM

Ouch.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Jun 16 - 09:37 AM

Veronica sobered, the drunk she was with still pawing her. "Aunt Penelope!" she exclaimed.

"WHAT are you doing, child? Look at you!" shouted Penelope, losing her temper. "I thought you came over here for a job caring for children!"

"So?" Veronica shrugged. "The more sucker you." She batted the drunk's hands away from her crotch and continued, "You have always run my life! You sent me to the best schools, give me a generous allowance, bought me a Ferrari, a Lamborghini, whatever I asked! BITCH!" The last word was stabbed out with a particular venom.

She ranted on: "You and Uncle Winston! That perverted little bastard always sniffing around me like a horny dog, wanting to dress me, wanting me to put a diaper on him and push hem around in that oversized pram he keeps in the old stable, and then change his frigging (this isn't the exact word she used) diaper! And you married him and he's still sucking on your teats for money and everything!"

"Winston's dead," said Peneloped, quietly.

"What?" blinked Veronica in a lower tone.

"Shu gonnafax er do I tel Shlim shu shtiffed me?" muttered the drunk. "C'mon yu kin tak widdat bitsh later."

Veronica turned and kneed him in the groin with such force he was lifted an inch or more off the ground. He fell, unconscious.

"What happened to Winston, your lovey-dovey Winston?" asked Veronica bitterly.

"An accident with Uncle Simon's double rifle in the gun room," stated Penelope with a knowing wink at Veronica. "And I was long aware of his...indiscretions...but did not know of him 'sniffing around' you. I assume it was when I was away in London or somewhere on the business of the family. I most humbly apologise, dear."

Two large men appeared in the doorway, obviously bouncers, who asked, "Waddhell's goin' on out here?" The Beretta, this time equipped with a silencer, "fwipped" twice and both were dead before they knew it. The gun disappeared again.

"Aunt Penelope! You shot them! Slim Thing is going to be very, very angry!"

Penelope gazed at her niece. "Veronica, do you want to stay here or go home to Blighty? If you stay, I shall stop your allowance and disown you. Come back and you can start over. I shall see you get the best anger management treatment, medical treatment, and then you can decide what you want to do with your life."

Veronica stood, indecisive. Chongx said, "You better hurry up and decide, cuz in a minute or two there are gonna be enough goons out here to make up an army."

Veronica turned and saw her reflection in the mirror of a car. She gasped and said quietly, "Let's go."

(TBC)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Jun 16 - 10:38 PM

FYI: .700 Nitro Express.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Jun 16 - 10:33 PM

Winston doesn't do anything anymore. Penelope put a round in each barrel of the 700 Nitro Express and asked him to "Please check to be sure it's not loaded. I'd do it but I don't know anything about such things." As she expected, he looked down the barrels of the double rifle and pulled the triggers. There wasn't enough left for reconstruction and the police report said it was an "unfortunate accident." Because of its history, family connection, etc. Penelope was allowed to keep the gun. As Penelope said, "He was a rotter, and now he's rotting."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 13 Jun 16 - 10:41 AM

You never know with that crazy girl. Just goes to show what way too much money and way too much idle time can do, specially with Uncle Winston buying her a new Porsche every time the old one ends up in a pond or wrapped around a lamp post. Winston tends to be hard on most people, but he has proven to be an utter failure at disciplining Veronica. A most vexing situation.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Jun 16 - 08:47 AM

The bar was even more seedy than the previous one, if that were possible. It looked as if you could be infected with twelve loathsome diseases just by looking at it.

"Veronica is here?" asked Penelope in amazement.

"Yeah, if I guessed right," replied the ape.

"I think I want to wear protective clothing to go in there," she murmured.

The front door slammed open and a very drunken man and a woman with obviously dyed red hair stumbled out laughing. He was slobbering on her neck and she was fondling him.

Penelope glanced, then her head jerked back. "Veronica!" she said in a commanding tone. "Veronica!"

(More to come....)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 12 Jun 16 - 10:01 PM

Ah, yes, heroic stuff indeed. And the story rolls on.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Jun 16 - 09:57 PM

The bartender gasped. "Switchblades are illegal!" he exclaimed.

"So is the cosh in your back pocket. So is this (she trained the Beretta on his stomach), for which I had to pull a few strings to bring with me," replied Penelope.

Chongx gazed at the knife, fascinated by the cold steel. And she seemed to know how to use it. "You're quite a dame," he observed.

"I'm a Rutledge. I was trained to shoot by my grandfather, General Sir Arthur Rutledge, VC. He also sent me to what he called 'advanced training' with a lady named Modesty Blaise. Her friend Willie Garvin taught me to throw knives." Suddenly the switchblade was buried in the opposite wall, smack in the middle of the "C" in the logo of a Chicago Cubs poster.

"I'm a Rutledge, and some scum kidnapped me, said I was the wrong one, and threw me back in here. I'm a Rutledge, and I want their scrotums as pouches for my earrings. And I want my niece, Veronica." And she turned the icy stare on Chongx.

The bartender excused himself and very hurriedly left the room.

"Well, about that," Chongx said diffidently, gazing everywhere but at her. "She's gone. She got away for Renata and I think she's headed for Slim Thing. Why I don't know."

"Ten grand, as you Yanks say." Another knife appeared, aimed at Chongx's crotch. "Ten thousand US dollars. Rutledges get full value for their money."

Chongx somehow knew that he couldn't move fast enough to prevent damage to what he held dear. "You're some dame," he said lamely.

"I'm a Rutledge. Now, let's go get Veronica." And she suddenly stood up and the knife disappeared. She walked to the other side of the room, pulled the first knife from the wall, and it too disappeared. "Come on, let's GO."

(Stand by for the next thrilling installment)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 12 Jun 16 - 03:00 PM

Penelope has survived deadly encounters with evil Chinamen (think classic stuff like the Fu Manchu series), mad Arabs (Abdul Alhazred?), lascivious Scottish poets (Malcolm Buggerol), enraged Frenchwomen (Angelique Forget), and all manner of uncouth scoundrels in exotic locales. I'm sure she can manage this situation.

Poor Amos. I know he is secretly in love with Penelope Rutledge, seeing in her his ideal woman. He must be going through agonies of concern at this point...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 12 Jun 16 - 01:09 PM

Upgraded to Windows 10, and turned off Cortana because I don't want that mealy-mouthed "assistant" reporting back to Mickeysoft about MOM.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Jun 16 - 10:04 AM

Penelope came about a quarter awake and heard an uncouth voice say, "You fool! You got the dame! Take her back and try again! And don't try to fool around with her!" and she went back to oblivion.

Sometime later she was being roughly shaken and she regained most of her consciousness, aware that she was laying down and was most uncomfortable. Chongx was doing the shaking and the barman was with him. The discomfort was caused by a none-too-clean cement floor.

"I sweat ta God, Chongx," the barman was pleading, "I thought it was you in the back room who told me ta bring in the Rutledge dame. You've know me for a long time -- would I ever cross you?"

"Chloroformed. How old fashioned!" said Chongx in amazement. "Can you sit up now?" he asked Penelope.

She sat at the dirty table in the middle of the dirty room and knew she was going to vomit. The barman got a dirty bucket and very soon she was wiping her lips with a piece of a dirty towel. Chongx handed her a glass with a green liquid in it that smelled of mint.

"Drink it. It's cream da ment. It'll help ya, I know."

She sipped the drink. It was creme de menthe and it did help.

Mentally, she took stock. To her surprise she could feel that everything in her waist pack was still there. She put her hand into her pocket and pulled something out.

"I want them, Chongx, I want them very badly. No one makes a Rutledge throw up." There was a click and suddenly she held a knife with a five inch blade. The single dirty light bulb glinted off the switchblade's very sharp point. If anyone had looked they would have seen her eyes were now cold, as cold as liquid nitrogen. The wrath of the Rutledges was about to descend upon the Windy City.

(There will be more and more and more driv...er, action packed episodes.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Jun 16 - 09:48 AM

They breed in Canada, LH. No one suspects that because no one expects anything like that of Canada and so they breed there. Visit, sometime, their underground incubators in Springhill, Pine Point, Eliot Lake, Greater Sudbury, Port Radium, or Uranium City (an incomplete list!).


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 12 Jun 16 - 12:55 AM

Yes! Absolutely! I tremble with anticipation!

That photo you found with all the signs is amazing.

Some information you might find useful at some point: Penelope preferred weapons of choice for mortal combat are edged weapons. In short, dueling swords, rapiers, cutlasses, and she is well versed in their use. She is certainly capable of using firearms effectively, both long guns and handguns, but she does prefer blades. Though some women are known for using poison, Penelope wouldn't, because she would regard it as cowardly to do so.

Now, as regards the lizard men....Canada? Don't be silly! Sure, there are a few of them here, but the real centers of lizard power are London, New York, Washington D.C., Las Vegas, Paris, and Los Angeles....oh, and Rome.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Jun 16 - 10:02 AM

Penelope sat in the seedy pub, nursing a Coca-Cola. Seething. She'd been there an hour and seemed to have been, as the Americans said, "stood up."

The barman came by again and asked if she was named "Rutledge." Penelope admitted that she was and he said she was wanted in the back room. She followed him and noticed a cosh in his back pocket.

"In here. I gotta get back to the bar," said the publican.

Penelope opened the door and stepped into the room. There was a sharp odor of chloroform and everything went dark.

(Don't you wish you knew what's going to happen next?)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Jun 16 - 09:33 AM

Oh, yes. LH took my 54545, so I've informed the lizardmen of his address and that he's nice and plumb and full of protein and stuff.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Jun 16 - 09:32 AM

No American citizen is a member of the lizard people. WE have blood tests you must take before you get married. Canada, however, doesn't require such and hence lizardmen and -women throng, throng I say!, the street of Montreal, Barrie, Quebec, Ottawa, Orillia, Saskatoon, Destruction Bay, Moosejaw, Baker Lake, St. Jean Port Joli, Halifax, Haines Junction, and other metropolitan areas. The law here says that any American found doing some Canadian canoodling is barred from the Presidency -- see Rafael "Ted" Cruz as an example. Here, for instance, is photographic PROOF that the Canadian government tried to warn the people, just before the entire Parliament was absorbed into the maws of the lizardmen.

So don't worry about ol' Hec (as nobody every called him). He's either lizard poop or he's not.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 11 Jun 16 - 12:21 AM

Yes, THAT is the question that has everyone on tenterhooks! Could Ballsworthy be the very thing he has been warning others against? Why am I thinking of Dick Cheney when I say that?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Jun 16 - 10:35 PM

He called the limey bimbo.

She answered with "Yes?" and Chongx said, "When ya wanna make the connection? Your little pussycat at Renata's. How about if you get a cab and meet me at Murphy's on Cicero and we'll go see how she's doing? And another thing -- watch out cuz you might be being tailed."

"All right," she agreed and hung up.

Penelope dressed in slacks, trainers, and a not-very-high-end blouse. She moved the things in her handbag to a waist pouch, pulled her hair back and fastened it. No sense in making myself conspicuous, she thought.

When she got off the elevator ("the lift," as she thought of it) she saw what had to be a policeman talking with the young woman at the cigar stand. He didn't see her and she walked past him out the door and hailed a taxi.

"Do you now where a bar called 'Murphy's' is on Cicero?" she asked the driver.

"Yeah, but it's not a very high class place," he answered.

"I'd like to go there, please," she said and go into the cab.

"You're payin'," said the driver and off they went.

(There will be more! More excitement, more blood, more bullets, more gore. And was Hector Ballsworthy really one of...them?)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 10 Jun 16 - 12:59 PM

Ha! Ha! Ha! Amazing firearms porn! You have outdone yourself. You really should write this stuff under a pseudonym and build up a large clientele of devoted fans among NRA members. You could make a fortune and simultaneously piss off legions of Social Justice Warriors.

I note that Amos has been reduced to silence in the face of all this inspired literature.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Jun 16 - 11:51 AM

Chongx awoke and waddled to the window. Glancing out from the side he he saw a man in a fedora and trench coat propped against the corner lamp post. Flatfoot, he thought, you kin always tell 'em.

Then he saw another man -- no, a skinny ape! -- lounging in the doorway the closed candy store. Slim Thing's thing, he mused. Well, there were other ways out of the building.

He turned and put a pot of water on the hotplate to boil for coffee. Then he took out his .45 automatic.

He popped the magazine, jacked the slide to remove the live on, and proceeded to strip her. Just another M1911A1, he thought, as his thumb found the sweet spot on the recoil spring plug and pressed just hard enough to allow him to rotate the barrel bushing. Her tension was suddenly released, like a spring that had been compressed within her. He collected the parts and gently placed them on the bed, fingering each one.

Chongx then slowly and lovingly moved her well-lubricated slide back to the disassembly notch, where he firmly pushed her slide stop from right to left, and suddenly she came apart in his hands! Her lubricating juices coated his fingers and he thought to himself that this was going to be a mess to clean up.

With increasing passion he wiped and inspected and cleaned each part, laying them on the current copy of the "Chicago Tribune." He rammed his cleaning rod into her barrel and with a few thrusts had it as clean as a whistle. A very light coat of lubricant and her barrel glistened. He began to build to the climax: he re-pinned the barrel in place, slid the slide back on, replaced the spring and the plug, tightened the barrel bushing around the plug, and with a sigh of ecstasy knew that she was again ready whenever he wanted and needed her.

Then, reaching for the cigarette he always had after such an encounter, he saw the newspaper article about the Tearoom

Two words jumped out at him, thrust themselves into his eyes like needles: pet monkey. Pet monkey. PET MONKEY!

He jumped up and down in anger and frustration, his "OOK! OOK! OOK!" bouncing around the third floor of the cheap apartment building like a handball in play.

PET MONKEY.

(To be continued)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 10 Jun 16 - 11:45 AM

That looks like the perfect gun for a lady to carry concealed in her purse, Rap. Good choice.

You might also consider getting Corridus the Hamster into the story somehow. Just a cameo appearance.

There may be some other past characters that I've forgotten too...God knows, there were quite a few of them. Wilfred Pennifere hasn't been seen in some time. Nor have Eddie and Olive Whatnoll, but they live in 'Ull, and getting someone as large as Eddie Whatnoll across the Atlantic sounds like a dubious project to me. Perhaps it could have been done when the Great Eastern was still taking passengers across to America, but now?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Jun 16 - 12:21 AM

They're both dead then (remember that this happens in 2018), maybe. As for Shame, just wait. In fact, hold your britches on, 'cause it ain't over until the fat lady sings.

As for "gun porn" -- I happen to know about firearms. I've been familiar with them for damned near sixty years now, man and boy, in the military and out. You want I should forget? By the way, the Beretta Tomcat, Model 3032, is still made, it fires a 7.65 x 17 Browing Short cartridge (.32 ACP in the US of A), and is actually fairly popular with off-duty police officers. See here. Not at all in the same league as Chongx's .45ACP Thompson submachine gun, however. Still, at close range -- and the .32ACP was the cartridge of choice for many European armies and police forces for a very long time. However, knowing about something doesn't mean I have one or even would have one if it was offered to me (although, if they threw in some cash to make me take it...). Hmmm...gun porn...maybe I can work some in....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 09 Jun 16 - 10:20 PM

And, "Aha!" Ballsworthy is (was?) a Reptilian? How deliciously ironic! It would explain his rapacious, ruthless, utterly amoral nature, wouldn't it? Reptiles live only to hunt, have sex, devour prey, and defend territory. Sounds like Mr Ballsworthy to me. And it also sounds like Winston.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 09 Jun 16 - 07:35 PM

Ha! Ha!

Well, you must be having a wonderful time, Rap, writing all this firearm porn that you love so much. You're hired to fill in all the scenes which require detailed descriptions of handguns, rifles, semi-automatics, machine guns, etc...their use, their origins, their special features, ammo types, maintenance, hitting power...you've got it all covered.

Too bad Shane can't be dragged into this somehow, but he's way up there in Blind River on the wrong side of the border, so I guess not.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Jun 16 - 09:57 AM

She felt like she did that morning after the party at University. The one where she had...well, that didn't bear thinking about.

Breakfast arrived and the headline of the "Chicago Tribune" screamed "Reporter Shot In MF Tearoom!"

She found herself calm as she opened the plate of rashers, black pudding, tomatoes, and eggs. She poured herself a cup of the excellent coffee and continued to read while she ate.

"Hector Ballsworthy, British journalist...by an upper class woman with a pet monkey...fingerprints and DNA analysis...police searching everywhere...anyone with information...Tearoom Manager very upset." The usual. Apparently she wasn't suspected, and Chongx would be angry by being referred to as a "pet monkey." She was also quite glad that ladies still wore gloves during an outing.

Finishing, she took the Beretta from her purse, flipped up the barrel and decided it needed cleaning. Pulling the magazine, she stripped the little gun as grandfather had taught her and using cotton swabs, tissues, the very hot hotel water and whatever else was handy did a thorough cleaning. Putting a drop of oil (intended for her personal shaver) here and there she worked the action and wiped off any excess. She pulled the trigger on the empty action, inserted the reloaded magazine, tipped up the barrel and placed one up the spout. The pistol when back in the handbag and the handbag back in the closet.

There was a knock. She threw on a robe and opened the door.

Two men in fedoras and trench coats. One pulled a leather folder from his pocket, snapped it open, and said authoritatively, "Chicago police. Detective Lieutenant Oliver. This is Detective Sergeant Friday. We hate to disturb you, but there has been a murder and we must ask you some questions."

She thought, "Chongx would say, 'Eat lead, flatfoot! I ain't feedin' you nothin'!'" Instead she quietly asked them to come in and offered to ring for coffee. They accepted and took seats in the sitting room. She was glad she'd shut the door to the bedroom, as it was untidy.

"You're Penelope Rutledge, a citizen of the United Kingdom, who arrived in town three days ago." It was a statement and she remained quiet. "Did you know a Hector Ballsworthy?"

"Yes, officer, I did. Or do. Has something happened?"

"He was gunned down in Marshall Field's Tearoom by a woman with a pet monkey late yesterday afternoon. It's in the papers."

"I'm sorry, but I haven't yet read the paper." It was true; several sections lay unread. "I didn't think very highly of Mr. Ballsworthy, as you may know."

The big cop smiled and said, "You hated his guts, didn't you?"

She smiled her most charming smile and responded, "I disliked all of him, but I wouldn't wish him dead in a tearoom." I'd rather with a stake through his black heart, at a crossroads, she thought, and it's simply too bad we did away with drawing and quartering.

The cop laughed and the other chortled. "Ms Rutledge, you were seen on the surveillance camera in Marshall Field at the time of the murder, in the company of a rather short companion. Would you care to comment?"

"Oh dear! THAT'S what that flutter was all about! Yes, I was shopping (and didn't find a thing) on the ground floor. There was a short person near me and I was afraid it was a purse snatcher or worse. That person fled when the 'ruckus' started and I very soon after. Can you believe that there wasn't a single Dior original anywhere in that store?" She played the surprised shopper to the hilt.

"I believe things like that are special order, Ms Rutledge," said Detective Friday.

"Oh! How gauche!"

"Ms Rutledge," asked Detective Oliver, "do you own a gun?"

"Why, yes. We have a number back home. Let's see: there's a Holland and Holland 700 nitro express double rifle (and a good one it is, she thought, ridding me of that cad Winston), a set of twelve bore Fabri shotguns, my father's Webley from the war, a Martini Henry a great-uncle carried in Zulu unpleasantness, my own 28 bore Purdey of course...."

"No, I meant here," he interrupted.

"Here?" she asked. "However would I get such a thing on the airplane? I certainly wouldn't put it in checked baggage! Besides, I wouldn't think I'd need a firearm in the United States. Am I wrong?"

"Oh, no!" said Oliver, standing. "Please let us know before you must leave town; we may need to contact you in the future with other questions." He and Friday moved to the door. "Thank you for the coffee; it was far better than we're used to." Oliver smiled and they left.

She locked the door and unsteadily moved to a chair and sat. She noticed a paper on the floor and picked it up. It was torn from a notebook and on it was scrawled "Balls: DNA rept.: reptil."

And she broke into a long, cathartic laugh.

(Stand by, folks!)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 09 Jun 16 - 03:03 AM

Actually, what I'm thinking here is that Chongo would have grabbed the camera, opened it up to expose the film, and then smashed it for good measure. I have a feeling he wouldn't like Mr Ballsworthy one bit. He would then have directed Ballsworthy to the door, possibly by picking him up by the scruff of the neck and pitching him through the nearest window.

You're quite right that Ballsworthy "needs killing". However, he is so much fun to have around for story purposes that killing him is kind of like killing Snidely Whiplash in only the 2nd or 3rd cartoon, if you know what I mean. A waste of good potential. There's nothing handier than a dependable villain who keeps coming back for more.

But, gosh, the very IDEA that Chongo Chimp would ransom off a young woman to her family to get a quick $5,000 dollars? Shocking! It's libelous. I expect you'll hear from the APP about this soon enough.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 09 Jun 16 - 12:33 AM

You TWAT!!! You insufferable, pointy-headed, halfwit! You can't kill off Hector Ballsworthy! Don't you realize I've spent years developing that character? Don't you realize that legions of stupid, easily misled and poorly educated Britons depend upon his scandal sheet to keep them distracted and get their minds off their declining marriages, their financial problems, their awful jobs, their bloody government, their wretched cuisine, etc?

It couldn't have been Ballsworthy. Must have been one of his underlings. Perhaps it was Squidgeon or Styles.

At any rate, I shall require a revision.

Furthermore, you are depicting Chongo in an unfair manner. He's a distinguished presidential candidate, you know. He has a lot of respect in Chicago.

I think about 500 Hail Mary's are in order for you, my good man, and a week in penance, wearing a hair shirt and administering daily scourgings with a metal tipped Cat O' Nine Tails. Opus Dei is going to hear about THIS!

Nice decisive action on Penelope's part, though...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Jun 16 - 10:46 PM

They were shown to a table, albeit in the back of the walnut-paneled tearoom, by a maitre d' who was obviously impressed by Penelope and disgusted with her companion. After ordering the tea and savories, Penelope again asked, "Where is Veronica?"

"She's fine, but you know I can't turn her over until the green crosses my palm," Chongx said.

Grimacing at such greed, she dug into her purse and placed five thousand dollars in the hand of the ape.

A flash of light and a laugh and an all-too-familiar voice cried "I have photographic proof of the decline of the Rutledge family!"

Penelope turned and saw Hector Ballsworthy, camera in hand, smirking at the next table. She said, ice in her voice, "Give me that camera, Ballsworthy. Now!!

"Oh, no, dear lady," said Ballsworthy. "You see, I now have proof...." The bullet from the little Beretta made a third eye socket between his two eyes and, looking utterly surprised by the turn of events, Hector Ballsworthy slumped to the floor, the back of his head missing.

"That tears it!" exclaimed Chongx, and clutching the money in a tight fist made for the exit just three steps behind Penelope.

Fortunately for them, the events had so shocked those in the tearoom that there was no alarm, no immediate pursuit. And, fortunately for Penelope, she had had the presence of mind to place the gun back in her handbag and snatch the camera from Ballsworthy's not-quite-dead-yet hands.

At the ground floor, as if by mutual consent, they slowed their pace to that of casual shoppers and gradually made their way outside.

When they were far enough away, Chongx said admiringly, "You're pretty handy with that rod. You ain't no hoity-toity chickadee, are you?"

"I am Penelope Rutledge, of a very old line of English aristocrats," she replied. "But do not for a moment think that that prevents us from being schooled in the use of weapons." Her voice was frosty, now that reaction was setting in. "When can I obtain my neice?"

"Okay, okay! I'll call you and tell you were and when. It'll be tomorrow. I gotta make some arrang...you okay?" Chongx asked as Penelope slid down the wall of a building beside the alley through which they were walking.

From her position sitting on the ground, Penelope blinked into the big brown eyes gazing at her. "Sorry. I was all taken about for a moment. You see, no matter how much I wanted to, I've never actually killed anyone before."

"You'll git used to it," Chongx assured her. "I take it that guy needed killing?"

"Very much so, and I'm quite glad I did it," replied Penelope. "A blight has been removed from the Earth."

"And you even thought to ditch the rod and snatch the camera! You're a smart skirt, you know that?"

Penelope pulled herself up with the help of a large, strong, simian hand. "Do you think you might summon a taxi for me?" she asked.

"Sure. Consider it done."

(More to come!!!!)

Ch


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 08 Jun 16 - 04:08 PM

It's that kind of romantic tension that keeps people interested in a story, Amos....but the key is to never quite open Pandora's box (so to speak) in order to maintain the tension. Remember when they broke that rule on the show "Cheers"? Big mistake.

I have always suspected that Penelope may have a pretty lively sex life going on behind the scenes, but............my lips are sealed. Besides, "gentlemen don't talk".


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 08 Jun 16 - 01:57 PM

I hope Penelope gets laid somewhere in all this foofara. It would be good for her, I think.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Jun 16 - 12:03 PM

Well, I have a massage appointment in an hour and I must still shower, shave, dress, and get the mail.

Ah, the frenetic life we lead in Pocatello!

And tonight I must catalog my new books! However shall I get my nap in???


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 08 Jun 16 - 07:13 AM

Gotta come back and read all of this (AND the backstory, as revealed by the creator!)

Morning, MOM. I'm getting up earlier these days, and checking on you before I leave the house.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Jun 16 - 10:43 PM

Her high heels rapped a tattoo as she hurried along. No cabs available, and how very, very American, she thought.

Soon, Marshall Fields came into sight and she slowed, wondering where she would meet the ape and the girl. Walking quizzically along -- if one can walk that way -- Penelope was nearly knocked off her feet by a young woman hurrying past.

She felt pull at her jacket (Sarah Burton designed, of course) and realized, as she regained her balance, that it had been cut. The right side was hanging by a (what else?) a thread. And the young woman had vanished.

Then a voice said, "Over here" and Penelope tossed the ruined clothing in a trash can and walked across the street.

In the shadow of a deeply recessed doorway was the ape. He asked, "You got the other five grand? Cuz I got your little chickadee." His voice seemed to break on the last word, but he cleared his throat and continued.

"Slim don't like me. Never did, but now he hates my guts and everything else about me. He don't like gumshoes like me taking working girls from his stable. But the snatch was pretty easy, with me being a chimp and all," and he barked a short laugh.

A woman's voice said, "Laugh it up, Chong'. You put a paw on this limey and I'll drill you so full of holes there won't be any place to stick the needle for your embalming fluid!"

The chimp say, "Now, Renata, this is a job. Just another job. You know you're my main squeeze, baby."

"Just keep that in mind," said the voice.

The chimp turned to Penelope and said, "So, you got the moolah?"

Penelope said, "Where is Veronica?"

"In good hands and in good time," replied Chongx. Again, Penelope thought she detected a slight break in his voice but then decided it was her imagination. She wondered if chimpanzees could catch a cold.

"Let's go up to the tea room in that store -- Marshall Fields? -- for I hear they can do tea correctly. We can discuss matters over tea and scones, or whatever you people call scones." And for some reason she was suddenly happy that she had the Beretta with her.

(Tune in again for the next exciting episode!)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 07 Jun 16 - 10:11 PM

Now, a little useful information about Hector Ballsworthy. He is a British scandal sheet journalist of the most ruthless sort. He looks a good deal like Geraldo Rivera, mustache and glasses. He delights in hunting out salacious gossip about rich people and politicians, and delights even more in fearmongering accomplished through outrageous conspiracy theories and other hot topics like that. Whether he believes even half of what he writes is questionable, but his enthusiasm for publishing it is unquenchable. He is pretty well certain that most of the peerage, nobility, royals, and politicians have been taken over by reptilian bloodlines, that they drink human blood in secret rituals, and that they run the financial system. Given the nature OF the modern financial system, it's not really surprising that he would think this....

He has long felt that Penelope Rutledge is a pure-blooded human, but that she has been lured into the reach of the Reptilians by various cold-blooded types like Winston Wellington-Jones, Prince Philip, Tony Blair, etc.

Penelope thinks he is a raving lunatic who should be arrested and imprisoned for a very long time.

Ballsworthy has blogs on the Internet, a weekly public affairs show on TV, and a newspaper...The British Presse Independente (given quasi-French spelling to distinguish it from the Independent.

He claims to be a descendant of Robin Hood and Maid Marianne.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Jun 16 - 07:02 PM

Oh,I wouldn't think killing anyone off! That would be an awful thing to do and I'd probably go to H**k if I did that! Oh, no! Not me!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 07 Jun 16 - 01:50 PM

And so do I. I'd happily go out with either Penelope or Renata, were I living in some alternate Universe where it was feasible to do so....

(And don't kill off any of my main characters, por favor. They must live on in future episodes, just like Sherlock Holmes.)

Veronica Rutledge, of course, has the morals of an alley cat...as well as way too much money and leisure time...but you already knew that. Andy Warhol would have had her in his entourage immediately.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 07 Jun 16 - 01:44 PM

HA! HA! HA!

This is pretty good. Okay, I gotta fill you in on Renata so you don't screw things up. Renata is a well educated and sharp dressing middle class white woman from Chicago, a lawyer, dark-haired and good looking, in her early 30's, has been serving as Chongo's campaign manager and legal advisor for the APP (American Primate Party), and is rumored to be his main squeeze...actually, his only squeeze, because as I said, she's very jealous. Picture a considerably tougher version of Mary Tyler Moore in her heyday, and that's Renata. She's just as tough and smart and exacting as Penelope, but she's a middle class American professional, as opposed to an upper class British heiress. Either one of them is not to be trifled with (which explains why Chongo likes both of them...he admires strong women).


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Jun 16 - 01:04 PM

The phone rang again. Penelope, half dressed, answered.

"Yes?"

"Madame, this is Hector Ballsworthy. I understand that your neice Veronica has been doing some riding at a stable in the United States. You might like to know that my research finds that Mr. Slim Thing is a lizar...." Penelope had heard enough; she slammed the phone down.

Finishing her dressing (it was a shame her dresser couldn't come along, she thought) she checked the contents of her handbag. Small as it was it contained the necessaries: lipstick, aspirin, a hankie, a small can of bear spray strength pepper spray, and the small 7.65 Beretta "Tomcat". She didn't like guns, but Grandfather had taught her to shoot and she was actually quite good.

Of course, it was loaded with "Defender" rounds that shattered and did tissue damage equivalent to a .45 ACP. Whatever that was, she mused. She checked, and there was indeed one "up the spout" as Grandfather used to say. Cock the hammer and she had seven rounds.

Carefully she pinned on her hat and left to meet The Ape (as she now thought of Chongx).

(Stay tuned!)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 07 Jun 16 - 01:02 PM

Ooooo... intrigue replete with disguises and dangerous rendezvouses. Popcorn time. Extra butter, please.


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