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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Little Hawk 29 Oct 09 - 02:10 PM
Amos 29 Oct 09 - 01:49 PM
Ed T 29 Oct 09 - 11:54 AM
Amos 29 Oct 09 - 10:27 AM
Little Hawk 29 Oct 09 - 10:20 AM
Rapparee 29 Oct 09 - 09:51 AM
Ed T 29 Oct 09 - 06:08 AM
Amos 29 Oct 09 - 01:31 AM
Janie 28 Oct 09 - 11:49 PM
Rapparee 28 Oct 09 - 10:20 PM
Little Hawk 28 Oct 09 - 10:13 PM
Rapparee 28 Oct 09 - 09:53 PM
Amos 28 Oct 09 - 09:41 PM
Amos 28 Oct 09 - 09:40 PM
Ed T 28 Oct 09 - 09:30 PM
Ed T 28 Oct 09 - 09:22 PM
Rapparee 28 Oct 09 - 09:22 PM
Ed T 28 Oct 09 - 09:11 PM
Ed T 28 Oct 09 - 09:05 PM
Ed T 28 Oct 09 - 08:58 PM
Amos 28 Oct 09 - 07:15 PM
Little Hawk 28 Oct 09 - 07:05 PM
Amos 28 Oct 09 - 06:52 PM
Little Hawk 28 Oct 09 - 06:49 PM
Little Hawk 28 Oct 09 - 06:48 PM
Rapparee 28 Oct 09 - 05:46 PM
Amos 28 Oct 09 - 05:38 PM
Little Hawk 28 Oct 09 - 05:16 PM
Amos 28 Oct 09 - 04:41 PM
Janie 28 Oct 09 - 04:10 PM
Amos 28 Oct 09 - 04:01 PM
Little Hawk 28 Oct 09 - 03:41 PM
Rapparee 28 Oct 09 - 02:47 PM
Rapparee 28 Oct 09 - 02:29 PM
Amos 28 Oct 09 - 01:13 PM
Janie 28 Oct 09 - 12:17 PM
Rapparee 28 Oct 09 - 12:05 PM
Little Hawk 28 Oct 09 - 11:56 AM
Amos 28 Oct 09 - 11:36 AM
Amos 28 Oct 09 - 11:32 AM
Acme 28 Oct 09 - 11:22 AM
Janie 27 Oct 09 - 11:18 PM
Rapparee 27 Oct 09 - 10:06 PM
Janie 27 Oct 09 - 09:41 PM
Janie 27 Oct 09 - 09:26 PM
Janie 27 Oct 09 - 09:14 PM
Janie 27 Oct 09 - 09:12 PM
Janie 27 Oct 09 - 09:01 PM
Rapparee 27 Oct 09 - 08:40 PM
Amos 27 Oct 09 - 08:07 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 29 Oct 09 - 02:10 PM

This must be sort of like the heroic dramas that goldfish in a tank make up about their lives... ;-)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 29 Oct 09 - 01:49 PM

The count was down to seventy-eight
When the wind began to blow.
The red dust flew to the skies on high
And ruined our hopes below.
The air was thick as an old brick wall
And it slammed our bones with pain.
And we thought we'd never gain a yard,
Or ever post again.

And every hand who could even move
Was huddled behind a rock
As the wind blew through like a hurricane
No hand of man could block.
We was lying low, ducking from that blow,
And we feared we'd starve in the dark.
When through the screaming gloom appeared
A figure, tall and stark.

We heard him scream into that blow,
"Goddam your eyes and all!"
And saw him stagger to the rail,
Stumble, and lurch, and fall.
And we saw him scramble and rise again
And grab the line and cuss,
Hammering down in that screaming squall,
"Gimme 32 Kay, or bust!"

Then that shadow yelled like a fiend from hell
And he grabbed a rail and hauled
While his clothes were shredded and his skin was too,
By the force of that awful squall.
And the hands looked out as that rail went down,
And he hammered it onto the ties.
And they wept to see old Amos win,
Or from wind and dirt in their eyes.

So another chain was laid out true
In the face of that living hell,
And the winds went home, cuz they knew the truth,
They'd been beat, any man could tell.
So the hands crept out as the wind died down
And a couple of chimps joined the fray.
And they all turned to with a post or two,
For the sake of 32 K.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ed T
Date: 29 Oct 09 - 11:54 AM

Indeed he is a bit on the feminine side....but, felt it might toughen up, like Johnny Cash suggested in the song.

I had considered adding a bit of Portland mixture to his swill. But, I reasoned it may cause skin irritation, and would take too much time suiting him up with all the safety gear.....the sideshielded goggles, akali-resistant gloves, high waterproof boots and coveralls with long sleeves and full-length trousers and duct taping it all to his boots to keep mortar and concrete off shis furry skin.

And, he does wear contacts, and the dust may irritate his eyes. It is a task getting those contacts in and out every day.

Now don't get me wrong. The creature can't read that well, expecially with the eye condition. But, I read bed time stories to him each night. He prefers the ones I shared with you, rather than the normal monkey bed time stories....that fill the shelves at Corporate book sellers, like Chapters.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 29 Oct 09 - 10:27 AM

Ed,

You can name your chimp anything you wish, of course; but let me just comment that names ending in "a" tend to be feminine. Chongo to this day repudiates his sister. She is biding her time, because the last thing she needs in her growing business is an alcoholic simian. Especially one with a gun. But in the fullness of time, Chinga knows, sooner or later, Chongo will appear in one of her bordellos. This is one of the reasons she expanded from Milwaukee to Chicago. And when the despicable sod walks in looking for some hootch or some kitty-action, you know, all her bruisers, bouncers, leaners-on and other henchmen know exactly what they have to do. And they all have copies of a faded family photo. So there will be no mistake, and bones WILL be broken.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 29 Oct 09 - 10:20 AM

That's why you have outhouses...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Oct 09 - 09:51 AM

Mix a little quick-acting cement in yer chimp's food. Plugs 'em right up and you don't need to depend on Depends. Works good for people, too, but it's kinda rough on the toilet when the plug finally blows loose.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ed T
Date: 29 Oct 09 - 06:08 AM

Exactly why I named him Chinga, from yer past posts.    I got my Chinga (maybe I could call him currently known as Chinga", CKAC, so as not to confuse you MOAB folks. Let me know) from a salesman at the local feed mill. I first saw him through the car window, he gave me the finger....that convinced me we had to be friends. Kind of treminded me of meeting my wife for the first time. She was fiesty too.

Another reason for the name reminded me of my wife, Linda. She ran off with the Watkins man. I didn't notice the affair she was havin' 'til it was too late....but, as I lool back, the signs were there....she was buying so much lemon pie mix, without making any pies...the cupboards full of the stuff.

Think I'll pass in reading all the colourful posts you three or four (plus) folks put thogether from the depths of your minds and keys over the past few years. Chinga has to be taken care of....and he just got into a package of prunes....off to Walmart to stock up on diepies.

Chinga, not to be confused with yours likes to read my posts on how things works....like rubber and pumps...puts him to sleep.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 29 Oct 09 - 01:31 AM

Ed:

If you want the straight scoop on Chongo and Chinga, Ed, you're gonna have to read the whole MOAB from beginning to end.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 28 Oct 09 - 11:49 PM

Or in other words, Welcome to the Monkey House.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Oct 09 - 10:20 PM

Probably just dirt, LH. You should wash your hair more often.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 28 Oct 09 - 10:13 PM

Ed - Chinga is a delusional female chimp with serious mental and emotional problems. She imagines herself to be the long lost sister of Chongo Chimp, a highly respected Chicago primate eye (simian gumshoe) who has, as Amos says in his otherwise inaccurate post, "an eye for human broads and whiskey". He also really likes guns and gratuitous violence...as long as there's a good reason for it, of course!

Chinga lives in Tijuana, Mexico, and runs a whorehouse there which caters to offbeat sexual tastes, both human and primate. Amos happened to go there on one of his wild weekends south of the border. Every now and then the pressure of maintaining a carefully calculated veneer of pompous suburban intellectuality mounts up on Amos, a trip to Starbucks just doesn't satisfy the nameless yearnings he feels inside, and he sneaks off to the fleshpots of Tijuana, supposedly to get inexpensive dental treatment!

There he indulges in carnal pastimes best not even alluded to. He met Chinga on a hot, steamy night in Tijuana, and she enticed him back to her nefarious establishment. There she discovered that Amos could be a useful connection for spreading outrageous innuendo about Chongo Chimp and trying to derail his historic 2008 run for the US presidency. Amos was determined to scupper Chongo's chances at the polls, since the Chongo vote was becoming a growing threat to Barack Obama.

Chinga's motives are considerably more shrouded. She definitely wants to extort money from Chongo, but I think there's more to it than that. I think she really yearns for a respectable life and for the family she never had (She was found as an abandoned infant on the doorstep of a Tijuana drug dealer who sold her to the local zoo. As soon as Chinga reached sexual maturity there were a number of unfortunate incidents involving herself and various chimps, baboons, and a floor sweeper from Morelos named Pepe. Chinga was forcibly ejected from the zoo in 1972 and found herself on the mean streets of Tijuana without a peso in her pocket or a pot to piss in, but she proved adaptable. Within three years she had become the madame of a notorious house of ill repute at 69 Pinche Cavron Calle. She is still there and has done rather well for herself, materially at least.)

Now, consider what Chinga sees when she looks at the distinguished life of Chongo Chimp, a self-employed dick on the right side of the law who has earned respect and plaudits for his crime-fighting activities in the Greater Chicago area and elsewhere. It is clear that Chinga bitterly envies Chongo and wishes to bask in his reflected glory...or else destroy him and bring him down to humiliation...whichever proves feasible.

The fact that Amos is assisting her in that despicable endeavour is deeply sad. I find a tear in my eye just thinking about it...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Oct 09 - 09:53 PM

It makes you feel humble, doesn't it?

You, not me.

Of course.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 28 Oct 09 - 09:41 PM

As we come around the stretch with only 88 to go, Mom, I want you to see this retrospective on our planet.



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 28 Oct 09 - 09:40 PM

Ed,

Chinga is Chongo's abandoned heartbroken little sister. Chongo is a flatfoot chimp with an eye for human broads and whiskey. He abandoned Chinga and their mom to go adventuring into the world, lo these many years since. Chinga has sworn he will never allow him into any of her houses of ill repute as a result of this abandonment.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ed T
Date: 28 Oct 09 - 09:30 PM

Chinga , that's my boy. Seems like he gets around a lt more than I knew. He must have figured out how to unlatch the door when I'm sleep'in. Never thought of unhors'in him. Will try it tomorrow....if I can get him to stand still long enough. He gets kind of antsy when he's not moving around. Makes it hard for the diaper changes too.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ed T
Date: 28 Oct 09 - 09:22 PM

Rubber got its present day name from the fact that it could be used to rub out or erase pencil marks. The ear1iest name a rubber translated into "weeping wood".
Rubber in its natural state is flexible, elastic, tough, water proof, and impermeable to air. However, it has two major troubles. It gets stiff and hard in cold weather and soft and sticky in hot weather. Charles Goodyear discovered the process a vulcanization which .cured" these two major ills a rubber by heating the rubber with sulfur, which stabilizes the rubber and enhances its physical properties. The word vulcanization itself is derived from 'Vulcan", the god afire. About the same time, as the vulcanization was discovered, methods were developed for kneading of the tough crude rubber (mastication) so that it became soft enough for incorporation of sulfur. These two developments became the foundation of rubber industry.
From, Rubber Linings - Answer to Many Problems, by Lalit Mehra, Quality Linings Co, 1998. NACE International


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Oct 09 - 09:22 PM

Shouldn't that be "unhorsed by the agents"? And your chimp isn't, by some chance, named Chongo or Chinga or something like that?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ed T
Date: 28 Oct 09 - 09:11 PM

Hey, chimp, fella....get off my keyboard. First you write poetry critique drivel, then you fill the thread with a bunch of typos. Sorry folks....I'll put him to bed.
Andorsed by agents of the real Ed T.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ed T
Date: 28 Oct 09 - 09:05 PM

Jjust proveing that chimps randomly typing can come up with just as profound statements as good old Ed T. Yes, it was my chimp at the keyboard, not me. I will try and keep him entertained elsewhere.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ed T
Date: 28 Oct 09 - 08:58 PM

What an utterly delightful poem. Very enigmatic. It reads as if you've always known it. Simple....but, with confounding expectations.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 28 Oct 09 - 07:15 PM

The shadows stole along the rails
As the day began to wane.
And each man and woman solemn swore
They'd do it all again
They'd undergo the backbreak work,
The splinters, dust, and pain,
To lay the way to the next of Kay
For the mighty MOAB train.

And as the rugged, ragged thread
Grew longer, post by post,
We smiled, although our fingers bled,
And traded jibes and boasts
We had only ninety-eight to go,
One more long night to haul,
'Til we'd see that shining bullet fly,
The Mother cannon-ball.

So we heisted up and turned back to,
And hauled another span.
Each one who vowed to see it through,
Each woman, and each man,
Though fingers worn and eyes were sore
And lives in shards did lay,
Would post, and post, and post again
For the Thirty Two of Kay.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 28 Oct 09 - 07:05 PM

You think? Well...it is pretty special, isn't it?

Maybe I'll get the Nobel Peace Prize next year for that. Or the Order of Canada.

That would sure be nifty! ;-)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 28 Oct 09 - 06:52 PM

The snaggliest tooth of them all, the good LH, was indeed the person of whom I spoke. Congratulations, Little Haw. To come so close to the the Thirty Two of Kay is an honor which outshines even Fat Bill the Shat upon whom etcetera.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 28 Oct 09 - 06:49 PM

Hey! I just snagged 31,900.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 28 Oct 09 - 06:48 PM

He wouldn't dare speak of mois in such a fashion.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Oct 09 - 05:46 PM

Amos, do you mean LH himself?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 28 Oct 09 - 05:38 PM

But...but...aren't you about to get whumped with a sockdologer? Or was that someone else?


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 28 Oct 09 - 05:16 PM

Mmmm, boy...what a gorgeous day! The birds are singing, the chipmunks are chirping, all is well with the world.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 28 Oct 09 - 04:41 PM

I have the whole ballad in one place but I will not post it until the hour is come.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 28 Oct 09 - 04:10 PM

Come on, MOM, let's go for a drive! Bring your walker, and we'll turn it into a little hike. The trees are ablaze in color and the sky is that beautiful, autumn, cloudless Carolina blue.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 28 Oct 09 - 04:01 PM

What a Happy Warrior is M. Ripov!! Probably a Cossack, by the sound of it. What do you think his Word's worth?




A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 28 Oct 09 - 03:41 PM

Sounds like a character sketch of William Shatner...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Oct 09 - 02:47 PM

Who is the noble Rapaire? Who is he
That everyone everywhere should wish to be?
?It is the generous Spirit, who, when brought
Among the tasks of real life, hath wrought
Upon the plan that pleased his boyish thought:
Whose high endeavours are an inward light
That makes the path before him always bright;
Who, with a natural instinct to discern
What knowledge can perform, is diligent to learn;
Abides by this resolve, and stops not there,
But makes his moral being his prime care;
Who, doomed to go in company with Pain,
And Fear, and Bloodshed, miserable train!
Turns his necessity to glorious gain;
In face of these doth exercise a power
Which is our human nature's highest dower:
Controls them and subdues, transmutes, bereaves
Of their bad influence, and their good receives:
By objects, which might force the soul to abate
Her feeling, rendered more compassionate;
Is placable?because occasions rise
So often that demand such sacrifice;
More skilful in self-knowledge, even more pure,
As tempted more; more able to endure,
As more exposed to suffering and distress;
Thence, also, more alive to tenderness.
          --William Wordsworth-Ripov, The Compleat Plagarisms
          (Unalaska, Alaska: Backfloe Pub., 1834)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Oct 09 - 02:29 PM

If I don't hear from them shortly Amos, would you act as my second?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 28 Oct 09 - 01:13 PM

I am sorry for your tsuris, Rapaire. On behalf of all Google employees everywhere, and all Google code, scripts, CSS pages, bots, worms, spiders, crawlers, anti-virus screens, AI routines, and algorithms throughout Googledom, I apologize to your library and to you.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 28 Oct 09 - 12:17 PM

I thought of you right off, LH:>)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Oct 09 - 12:05 PM

Oh, it's quite true. Google bots got into our catalog software and corrupted the executables -- turned them cute li'l kids into nasty street punks. Turned out they'd also corrupted the backup tape. So we had to load a whole new population of sweet little executables, only now we have to re-customize all of the eleven libraries affected.

I've sent a nasty e-note to Google about it.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 28 Oct 09 - 11:56 AM

It's my opinion, Janie, that I've been born again hundreds or even thousands of times by now. I wonder what they'd do with that? ;-)

From the Gospel of Bob: "He not busy being born is busy dying."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 28 Oct 09 - 11:36 AM

But beware, in your elation,
To shun triboelectrification.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 28 Oct 09 - 11:32 AM

One-sixteen , me lads and lasses!!!
Breath and push, and move your asses!
Dumb or not, guested or hosted
Cheers to she who has often posted!

Onward! Onward! Raise the call,
Bring the dweeb from down the hall!
Bring your cousin, silly bitch,
Just to render MOAB rich!

Bring your banker, tailor, lawyer!
Call a plumber or a sawyer!
One-sixteen!! We're on the way
To reach the fabled next of K!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 28 Oct 09 - 11:22 AM

I wish, Janie, but I'm on a diet. No beer or wine for a while longer.

Rap, I hope that account of a server mash was only a nightmare, not an accounting of an actual library event.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 27 Oct 09 - 11:18 PM

Oh yeh, I remember.

Those Lamaze worked real good...........






right up until I went into hard labor.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 27 Oct 09 - 10:06 PM

Take a deep breath and control yourself, woman! Go through the Lamaze exercises again!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 27 Oct 09 - 09:41 PM

This is not good. This is not right.
Five times now I post tonight
And when I hit submit, oh dear,
Stilly pops another beer.

Some one stop me. Stop me, please!
I fear I have a dread disease.
Submitis, dumb or not
Stupid posts I can not stop.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 27 Oct 09 - 09:26 PM

I tend to post in couplets but tonight, you'll note it's quad
All for brother Amos' sake t'ward three two kay I plod
Not for Amos only now, for MOM and Stilly too
And Bold Rapaire, and Eddie T, and Mmario, 'tis true
I can not lay a tie, hammer steel or light explosives
Nor shovel coal, nor lay the line or haul the fire hoses
And when we finally get to there
I will tweek all your noses.

( A Poem. By Henry Gibson's Shade)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 27 Oct 09 - 09:14 PM

Think I'll burn in hell for forgetting to end the italics at the end of the quoted material?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 27 Oct 09 - 09:12 PM

Hey MOM, I got home to find an invitation for a party stuck in my door!

I can hear the gospel fully preached and explained and they ain't gonna pass the collection plate neither! AND, they are doing it in a tent! Beats doing it in the road, I guess, what with the hard asphault and all.

All I have to do is answer "The Big Question", according to one of the two flyers stuck in the door. And it's an easy one.

And I quote:

The big question is "Have you been born again?"    It is not: "Have you joined a church?" or "Are you trying to do your best?" or "Are you religious" - but "Are you twice born?"

Well, maybe not so easy a question. What if I've been born again, and again, and again, and again? That's more than twice.

Hmmmm........


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 27 Oct 09 - 09:01 PM

I can survive without the compassion and patience, but would greatly appreciate your generosity. PM for information on where to send certified checks or money orders:^)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 27 Oct 09 - 08:40 PM

Oh, believe me when I say I treat you with compassion and patience.

And pity.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 27 Oct 09 - 08:07 PM

Speaking as one of the others, I think Little Hawk is exactly right. If you all would just treat me with compassion and patience, it would be much better.


A


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