BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Eiseley
Date: 27 Aug 10 - 12:47 PM

This is our last full day in Michigan and the boys are all in mourning. They want us to move here and live off the kindness of our friends and family and never have to go to school and just fish and swim all day, all year. I don't want to burst their bubble. The lakes and ponds freeze solid here in a few months, and there are the little necessities like a job and an income and permanent housing with more than screens for windows that are kind of nice to have. But I'm glad they've had such a wonderful time.

When you move to the vacation spot, though, I'm afraid there can be a rude reality check. I think I'll let them dream about how nice life is here---without having to experience the reality. Idaho is pretty nice, too.

Flying home tomorrow. And actually, Rapaire, I would rather be the director in Grinnell than here. The economy is a bit better in Iowa.---or Idaho.

Eiseley

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 27 Aug 10 - 12:41 PM

I just couldn't resist.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_W57aBMYKvU

GfS

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 27 Aug 10 - 10:46 AM

Well, Mom, I cannot begin to describe how stuffed full of sheer beauty my little head is from the last few days. I have sailed at midnight under a full moon, spent a few hours mowing the north 40 on a large Massey-Fergusen with a big brsh-hog deck behind, watched the whales spout and the eagles cruise along the coast from a lonely porch looking out toward PEI from near Livingston Cove, walked the mudflats of Fundy, sung a handful of songs in the wild wind on the bluffs, and fought the gusty breezes from the northeast cutting over the bay outside of Ballantyne's Cove with a single reefed main and jib. Not to mention the grueling transit locked inside tin tubes being fed cocoacola and bad air for eleven hours. But it was worth every aches and pain. I am now taking a quiet lunch in a restaurant outside the Halifax airport.

There is no place on earth I have ever seen as beautiful as Nova Scotia, and I've seen many. We drove the coast road around Cape Breton up to Baddeck and back, gaped at the islands in the Bras D'Or lakes, ogled the Bell home up there, and came back to Gabe's farm in one day.

We leave for New York, Cleveland, and San Diego shortly, so I'll talk to you later.

BTW, I have finally made the grade and eaten Tim Horton's donuts and coffee. I saw Shane in the Tim Horton's over to Antigonish, wearing a strange gown; he had dyed his hair purple and was trying to convince the ggirl behind the counter to give him donuts on credit for his friends "in the mother ship" but she wasn't having any of that. There was a very beefy RCMP officer sitting there watching him suspiciously as I left with my coffee. Dunno how it turned out...


A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 27 Aug 10 - 10:16 AM

Maybe I'll put menthol shaving cream in his tighty-whiteys, too, if he wears that sort of thing, or a thin layer of Vaseline. Boy, I'm remembering all sorts of neat-o tricks.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Aug 10 - 08:51 PM

Years and years ago, back when I was in the Infantry, I discovered The Infantry's Guide To Peace: You don't mess with me and I won't mess with you.

Works for bears, wolves, skunks, rattlesnakes, cougars, people...all sorts of animals.

But I do think I'll put Amos' hand in a bowl of warm water at Getaway.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 26 Aug 10 - 07:41 PM

Ha! I've been out in clear cut units with black bears eating the ripe blueberries while I did my survey. We both kept our eyes on the other. :)

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Aug 10 - 06:57 PM

Well, his friend WAS with him and was armed with a .375 Winchester Magnum rifle.... His friend also shot a bear -- with the rifle. Naturally, in both cases the bear dropped just a millimeter from the toes of the shooter's boots....

Now, if it had been ME it would have been the HEELS of my boots...but then, I wouldn't have been hunting bears to begin with. "Here, Mr. Bear! You want my deer (salmon, rabbit, ground squirrel, skunk, berries...)? Help yourself! Tell the folks I said 'Bye'!"

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 26 Aug 10 - 06:46 PM

It would be extremely perilous. Probably even more dangerous than standing between Shane McBride and the last unopened beer on Earth.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 26 Aug 10 - 06:04 PM

Indded, SRS. I have never killed a bear and I have been in TOO close proximity to back bears in the 6 to 700 pound range that viewed me as "never seen one a them things before... I wonder" way back in the woods but I had a formidable weapon, knowledge and caution (when I used to hunt years ago). I can't imagine actually hunting an even larger and nastier beast with a pointy stick, even with the mechanical advantage of a throwing device.

Makes the hair stand up on me neck.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 26 Aug 10 - 04:07 PM

I concur, gnu.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 26 Aug 10 - 03:35 PM

A bow? Hunting Brown Bears? Did Jacques lend him a shark cage?

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Aug 10 - 01:27 PM

Nah, she just copped a century.

My wife and I were having breakfast with her cousin Bernie and his wife. They are on their way from Klamath Falls to Pinedale, WY for prongie hunting. (Bernie uses a bow, just a week or so ago he took a 9 foot tall Brownie up in Alaska.)

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 26 Aug 10 - 12:53 PM

Whatsamatter? Lonely?

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 26 Aug 10 - 12:25 PM

37200

FWIW. :)

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 26 Aug 10 - 12:24 PM

Hmmm. Rap must be sleeping out on the golf course again, lying in wait to scare the bejeezus out of a few of those early-morning golfers. He thinks it's so funny to see those guys shit their balls.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 26 Aug 10 - 11:30 AM

Lovely weather here today, Amos might almost be comfortable with our temperatures, were he in North Texas. Mornin' MOM. It's lovely out - did you sleep in the yard with the dogs again?

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 25 Aug 10 - 11:12 PM

I suspect it's the bragging about southern California weather that would get him into trouble. They might be planning to keep him up there over the winter.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Aug 10 - 09:48 PM

Possibly the feds were closing in.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 25 Aug 10 - 07:56 PM

Oh, that's right. He has a brother or compadre out in the boonies or something.

It rained nicely on us today, and the temperature is 79. Ahhhhhh!

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Aug 10 - 02:47 PM

I'll just betcha that Amos writes for bail money. Them Scova Notia cops are downright mean, mean folk. I remember one time in Springhill...nah, can't tell that one. Ladies present.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Aug 10 - 11:50 AM

Amos, the bleeding-heart hippie SoCal liberal, has gone to Canada to join the protests against and terrorism of the Gonish. You'd never have thought that he was Antigonish, but he is. There was also something about "Hell or Halifax" as well.

Mom should have a long, hard talk with that boy.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 25 Aug 10 - 11:07 AM

So where is Amos, anyway? He didn't go out looking for us in the desert, did he? We were just fine, had maps and cell phones (good coverage coast to coast along the interstate highways).

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Aug 10 - 10:46 AM

Because no one else is kind
I'll help Mom along:
Now we only need nine.

   --Diego de la Vega, Poetry of New Spain
    (El Pueblo de Nuestra Señora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciúncula: 1787)

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Aug 10 - 09:52 PM

Only ten to the century next
Only ten more to roll over
Only ten more after this one
Only ten more still to hover.

Hover in minds, O century next
Hover the thoughts, O so mighty
Hover until the next hundred lands
Hover, tho' trivial and flighty.

    -The Missing Amos: An Anthology
         (Cowpens: On The Ground Press, 1903)

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 24 Aug 10 - 06:05 PM

Glad to here you are wet, SRS. Hope the garden turns around.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Aug 10 - 02:04 PM

And an iron.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 24 Aug 10 - 11:34 AM

Rain! Rain! Rain!

Thank you, monsoons, for slipping into Texas. My yard is so crispy. MOM was spending all day long down at the creek to stay cool. Did you see her, dancing in the yard? She's like a little kid out there (including that she threw her clothes on the porch on the way into the yard. Someone get her a towel, please!)

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Aug 10 - 11:29 AM

Is it okay to pray it ain't so?

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Aug 10 - 11:37 PM

Aw, #@%#!. I thought...well, never mind. I can see it now: "Shame Saves Universe! Hoser Hero In Galactic Struggle! Film at 11."

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 23 Aug 10 - 10:46 PM

Oh, my! Could it be? Will Shane return to the bosom of his grieving community?

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Aug 10 - 10:04 PM

This was on the Obit thread:

Subject: RE: BS: Obit? Has Shane McBride died???
From: GUEST,Prime Communicator First r'nuf' ك - PM
Date: 23 Aug 10 - 08:18 PM

Hello.

I have been told by The Elder Greys to communicate with you. We have taken the Entity known on your Planet as Shane McBride Of Blind River. In a fortunate circumstance it slipped in the excrement of a domestic animal and triggered The Beacon we implanted earlier. I say that this is fortunate as it was at this very time that its presence was again needed due to a Crisis in (I have no notation to tell you where). It was needed as it is one of the very rare carbon-based Entities who contain both levodioxyribonucleic and dextrodioxyribonucleic acids.

The Elders sensed your concern for this Entity and asked that you be reassured that it will be returned in the same condition as when it was Taken when the Mission is complete.

Thank you.

Prime Communicator First r'nuf' ك

Do you suppose they'll clean his shoes off before returning him?

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 23 Aug 10 - 09:54 PM

Those cans of beer would have to be full.

Seems that might attract a lot of attention. You'll have to think of some better way for Shane to follow a marked path.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 23 Aug 10 - 05:47 PM

Yeah, but if you left a trail of beers for him to follow, he would get there eventually.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 23 Aug 10 - 05:39 PM

Amos is in northern Antigonish county. Shane couldn't get there even with my directions.

Take a left...ahhh, then what?

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Aug 10 - 03:39 PM

Well, it was either feelings for Shame or that laxative he took. One or the other. Or both. Of course, Shame always did move people.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 23 Aug 10 - 10:40 AM

I knew that Amos worshipped the ground Shane walked on, but I am moved...deeply moved...by the fact that he has run away from home and come to Canada to ascertain for himself if his hero has really passed on. I certainly hope he doesn't yield to despair and jump off Niagara Falls or something. That just wouldn't do.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Aug 10 - 10:20 AM

Jack wrote a book called "The Big Slur"?

Eiseley, Amos ran away from home. When he heard of the possible passing of the possibly late Shame McBride he screamed, "NO!! NO!! He is my Hero, my Guiding Star, this Cannot Be!" and even ran right through the screen door.

We think he's headed North to Find Out The Truth about whether or not Shame has left us, cubed. So far it is all rumours (since they come from Canada, where they spell funny). For all we know for sure, he may be in a little love-nest with Officer Dana, playing with his toes and trying to figure out what a toothbrush is for.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 23 Aug 10 - 09:53 AM

I've caught up with a week's worth of reading. Sorry to hear about the auto accident, Rap. Are you both feeling better now? We had a couple of occasions to slam on the brakes on our road trip, and fortunately enough clearance to avoid such an impact ourselves. So many distractions to avoid when one is driving.

I listened to 3 of the 5 disks of an unabridged recording of Jack Kerouac's Big Sur. MOM would love it - what a blast from the past! I seem to remember she spoke of a summer spent on the Northern California coast. . .

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Eiseley
Date: 23 Aug 10 - 12:08 AM

I'm glad you folks are all right, Rapaire.
Welcome home, Stilly.
Where did Amos go?

And now a reused eulogy:

Poor Shane is dead
Poor Shane M. is dead
All gather round his coffin now and cry
He had a heart of lead
And he fell and bumped his head
Oh why did such a feller have to die?

Poor Shane is dead
Poor Shane M. is dead
He's lookin' oh so peaceful and serene
He's all laid out to rest
With his hands acrost his chest
His fingernails have never been so clean

Shane was the most misunderstood man in this territory
People used to think he was a mean ugly fella and called him a dirty skunk and an ornery pig stealer
But the folks that really knowed him
Knowed that beneath them two dirty shirts he always wore
There beat a heart as big as all outdoors

He loved the birds of the forest
And the beasts of the fields
He loved the mice and the vermin in the barn
And he treated the rats like equals (which was right)
He loved all the little children
He loved everything and everybody in the world
Only . . . only he never let on
And nobody ever knowed it

Poor Shane is dead
Poor Shane M. is dead
His friends are weepin' wail for miles around
The daisies in the dell
Will give out a different smell
Because poor Shane is underneath the ground

Poor Shane is dead
Poor Shane M. is dead
He's lookin' oh so purty and so nice
He looks like he's asleep
It's a shame that he won't keep
But it's summer and we're runnin' out a' ice

Eiseley

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 22 Aug 10 - 10:20 PM

I guess I missed something. Or did I? This is another figment of LH's imagination, or a rebuttal by Rapaire, right?

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Aug 10 - 10:05 PM

To the possible memory of the possibly late Shame McBride: a palindrome.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Aug 10 - 10:05 PM

And now...

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 22 Aug 10 - 09:58 PM

Hey, the whole of North Ontario needs a hankie right now....Shane McBride may have bit the big one! Kicked the bucket! Cashed in his chips! People are crying in the streets. See the BS: Obit? thread all about it for further updates.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 22 Aug 10 - 06:07 PM

Hey, MOM! I'm back!

Long hot trip. I need a nap. And a hankie. My nest is suddenly empty.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Constable Jack McColl, O.P.P.
Date: 22 Aug 10 - 01:11 PM

What are we gonna do for laughs now? Being a member of the Sudbury O.P.P. I can vouch for the fact that there is a strange sense of loss haunting the rank and file today all across North Ontario, a sense that things will never really be the same. Who will entertain us by committing unforgettably stupid and poorly planned infractions of the law such as the famous Beer Store robbery with the stolen school bus or the famed fork lift truck getaway chase? Who else would even attempt such things? And if so, who could pull them off in such an incompetent and unique manner?

There are only a few rewards to the tough job of being a cop in North Ontario. One of them was the joy of hauling Shane McBride in, whining and carrying on, after yet another botched misdemeanour, and hearing the cheers and catcalls from the prison inmates and staff as Shane returned once again to his second home...durance vile.

I tell you, it's a funereal atmosphere around here. A hush has fallen over the place. We are discussing whether to lower the station flags to halfmast. Or quartermast possibly. Whatever would seem most fitting.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 22 Aug 10 - 12:57 PM

2. Someone may write the tune "The Night McBride Died". Got a ring to it.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Aug 10 - 12:52 PM

Let us enumerate the good he did, and let the evil be forgotten:

1. He never reproduced.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 22 Aug 10 - 12:36 PM

Your eloquence, Rapaire, well befits the gravity of this unspeakably tragic occasion! Hosers all over Canada will no doubt shed a tear or two in their beer at the thought of Shane's passing. His brother Don will be inconsolable, devastated with regret over the harsh words he recently hurled at his baby brother, and now unable to make them good. The entire town of Blind River will be cast under a pall of gloom such as enveloped the island of Sumatra following the eruption at Krakatoa in 1883. Millions will mourn! People will, decades from now, say, "I remember exactly where I was when I heard the news that Shane McBride had died."

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Aug 10 - 12:24 PM

Oh, if only Shame were still alive! The tragedy, the horror of his leaving will be with us for ages to come! Stumbling, drunk, into a garbage compactor and ending up in a dump, while appropriate, is not my idea of a good way to go. His last words still ring in our ears and will ring for all Eternity: "What the flippin' fli...?"

Alas, poor Shame. I knew him, Little Hawk. A fellow who was an infinite jest. Why, he would have stabbed me in the back a thousand times had he but the courage! And now he has come to this...we need not ask how long he will lay in the earth ere he rot, for tho' he was indeed rotten he was also thoroughly pickled all the time, and so we have his rot preserved in this half-meter cube. Let us close the book on this poor excuse, this dullard, this grown babe, and remember only the good he did, if any.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 22 Aug 10 - 11:52 AM

I fear that in Amos's absence the number of posts to this thread will dwindle by a truly disturbing margin. It may lose over 50% of its bandwidth. Whatever is to be done?