BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 18 Oct 15 - 04:18 PM

"I am not fairly tall, although I freely admit to feeling tall."

As well you should. Your post minds me of your visit to my humble abode. When it came time to sack out, I indicated your cousin would have the living room couch and you would occupy the bed in the basement. You asked, "Is it a real bed?" I replied, after looking you up and down, "You'll fit." The look on your face is etched in my mind. Of course, it did fit you well... a nice double bed and even your own washroom. Really good music too... >;-) I will never forget the "music" after you lads retired (I wrote a short story about that night.).

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Oct 15 - 04:13 PM

Maybe Ebbie was referring to the spiritual state of your ex-hair, Rapp. And isn't there a law against accepting titles from other governments, OR imitating an officer? Exactly of what do you see yourself a Lord?

A. Gadfly

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Lord Rapparee
Date: 18 Oct 15 - 02:26 PM

Couldn't be me. Been blonde all my life, except the spots that have turned white from terror. Musta been Amos.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Oct 15 - 02:23 PM

There's only one fairly tall man who has access to Mom's sanctum. ANd his alibi is that "he was traveling". I am not fairly tall, although I freely admit to feeling tall.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ebbie
Date: 18 Oct 15 - 01:08 PM

"...where Ebbie carved her initials in that really old mahogany sideboard thing you like..."
: Rapparee - PM
Date: 13 Oct 15 - 09:38 AM

No, no, no! 'Twarn't me. 'Tis a calumny you perpetrate. Check the security film. I believe it will show you the malfeasing culprit was a fairly tall man with hair that used to be dark, with a fairly long knife to hand.

sheesh. Turn your back for a minute and rumor sprouts and springs.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 18 Oct 15 - 10:56 AM

Soon MOM will be able to simply leave the windows open and not have to go outside to feel the cool fresh air.

It is okra and eggplant weather. And the tomatoes are producing, if I can find them in the tall grass before they fall off of the plants. In other words, in my kitchen it's time for CASSEROLES!

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Oct 15 - 10:07 PM

That's Mom for you. Give her a warm day, soft grass, the scent of flowers drifting on a wayward breeze and she becomes like the breeze.

Here it was sunny and in the upper 70s. The carpenters came to install the handrail to the basement, only to find that transporting it ruined the join and it had to be done over. So there's sixteen feet of fine red oak on the patio under the deck, clamped and with the glue drying and setting about the doweled join. Early next week it goes in.

Our four columns will be replaced as well. The replacements came yesterday; they are a fiberglass composite, load bearing up to 5,000 pounds each for a place that is supposed to be self-supporting. But having the front of you house fall down is an embarrassment I don't chose to undertake.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Oct 15 - 07:21 PM

The day has warmed up and mom has thrown off her hand-knit Orkney shawl and her long night=gown and has dashed out onto the veranda behind the hedgerow in just her knickers and her delicates. Fortunately, the hedgerow keeps out prying eyes. I am going to lure her back indoors with a snifter, her irresistible bait of choice.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Oct 15 - 01:08 PM

Here the skies have grayed over, sheltering the city from an invisible grueling sun. When these clouds lift, later today, we will be simmering in a comfortable 75-degree heat, while the news reports the first snowfalls of winter in the Midwest. It is a Saturday, the sort of day where the working world doesn't mind sleeping in, recovering from the pressures of the week. The exceptions--the curious early risers, or those who are not chained to calendars--sweep along the dawn streets quietly, their appearances are sporadic as lightning strokes in spring. While the day's light is still only a half-promise, Maggie and I are afield, playing gallop and catch with a tennis ball. She is soaked from the wet grass, but she delights in it after a boring night in-house. The houses we pass on our way home are mostly still asleep, but there is one little cottage where the lights are on and someone is stirring in the kitchen behind the window.

Maggie approves of the faint whiff of bacon as we walk by on the quiet sidewalk. She has no idea, and does not care, that the cottage that sends out such fine aromas is the home of no less a personage than Lillian McClure. Lillian McClure! She who was once the most famous madame in Nevada; she who left everything she had to follow her heart's love for an alcoholic gambler. She, also, who scraped her life back together when he died of cirrhosis by writing her true confessions in a book and selling William Cody's Peacemaker, which she had accepted forty years earlier as payment in kind for services received.

But, as I say, it is the smell of today's bacon, not yesterday's history, which pleaseth today's dog.

So we stroll on and go home to dry off.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Oct 15 - 09:05 PM

It was a sunny day here, and I strolled down dusty Main Street. Past the Bourbon Barrel Saloon, past Dr. Bean's Drug Store, past the Fivemile Saloon.

And there he was. Waiting, his sawed-off 10 gauge in hand. I could smell the whiskey on him from where I was. Dirty he was also; he hadn't has his annual bath for a couple of years.

I cranked a round into my Winchester and shouted his name. He turned, a growl on his lips. The Greener came up and it was like looking down two three-foot sewer pipes. Then it roared and he was, briefly, obscured by the smoke.

I wasn't hit, and I raised the Winchester. My first shot spun the shotgun out of his hand and the second tore the buttons off his suspenders.

His pants fell around his feet as he stood there, holding his wrist.

I levered in another round. The 92 was still aimed dead at him and he fell to his knees, pleading for his scummy life. He looked ridiculous kneeling there in the middle of the street, each knee planted squarely in the middle of the leavings of a passing horse, begging and sobbing like a kid whose favorite toy was broken.

I lowered the rifle and he went for his Colt. Before he could get a shot off I has hip-shot and the equalizer flew from his hand. Now was the time for killing.

I didn't. I walked over and said, "Next time, don't try a shotgun at 300 yards. You couldn't hit the side of a barn from the inside anyway" and kicked the scattergun across the street and into a tub of cement mixture.

And I left him there, his six-shooter crammed up his...no, can't say that in a Western. I just took his guns away.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 16 Oct 15 - 12:39 PM

Soooo.. you just used that as an excuse not to go to The Olde Country with the Missus. You sly old dog, you. You just wanted to hand around Legion with yer drinkin buddies an shoot cowboys n such. You'd better hope Mom don't find out!

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Oct 15 - 11:48 AM

My columns come today.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Oct 15 - 11:56 PM

Yup.

Well, Pat's home from her trip to England and only tired. Not even any dirty clothes save what she was wearing (she stopped over at a friend's and did the laundry there).

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 15 Oct 15 - 09:59 PM

Horatio - didn't I know him well? A fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy. Yes, I'm sure I knew him.

And I'm home again. Seven days makes a week (not weak!), but when that week comprises two distinct trips (a wedding in Boston and hanging out in New York City) it feels (thankfully) much longer. And considering the circumstances in which I find myself here in Texas-land, that is a very good thing. Three days to go before I head back to the salt mines.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Oct 15 - 10:25 AM

No, it's okay now. Horatio was killed with Colonel Cluster in the Battle of the Cheesy Gas, as it's know to the Indians. Beer was also involved.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 14 Oct 15 - 11:16 PM

SOre mothers are a universal; in large, thee is nothing the younger set can do to assuage the soreness of mothers. Their dreams and visions for their young will never match up to the grinding, chaotic mishmash of temporal reality, and hence, their visions will never be quite fulfilled. Our sympathies are with the young who must balance two opposed and irreconcilable forces.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Oct 15 - 05:31 PM

Horatio's mother is a sore subject with him. She abandoned him before he was born, which is difficult to do at any time. He believes that she was either a femme du pave or an innocent young girl seduced by a deceiving country squire or perhaps both. Anyway, St. Dismas Home And Workshop For Abandoned Children raised him and saw to his education. The closest thing he ever had to a "real" mother was the Overseer of his ward and they weren't all that close except when he was being caned or otherwise disciplined. Whatever he received from his mother in the way of genetics, etc. probably came from his father, whoever that was.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 14 Oct 15 - 04:35 PM

Well, that may be, but he writes fine doggerel. Maybe he gets it from his mother's side of the family?

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Oct 15 - 03:35 PM

No, it's too late. Horatio is already ugly.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 14 Oct 15 - 12:48 PM

I knew Goodlick. I knew him--Horatio. I dated his daughter Veejay, once or twice and she was excellent company, in the best Goodlick tradition.

Her brother, Hyme,, not so much. Always trying his maneuvers. Inventing catastrophes so his Hyme Goodlick maneuver could be an aspirin, or a lifesaver or some such.

A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Oct 15 - 09:36 AM

Horatio G. Goodlick doesn't like being ignored. Horatio might make it ugly for people who ignore his poetry. Very, very, ugly.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Oct 15 - 10:26 PM

Oh what a sibling is our Amos!
Never once did he ever shame us
By being a private dick, a shamus,
Or wandering blameless, nameless, aimless
Amidst the towering Himalayas!
He is no scampering ignoramus
Trying to serve a writ of mandamus
As notorious, enormous fusses
Settles o'er this precocious chorus,
Wide as Texas, flat as Kansas.
Nay! For sooth our sibling, good old Amos,
(Never showing any weakness)
Will be as famous as Nostradamus --
Probably before this coming Christmas!

            --Horatio G. Goodlick, Lines Upon A Grecian Urinal
            (University of Schenectady: University Press, 1867).

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 13 Oct 15 - 07:53 PM

A toast to sibling Rapparree
With pen and keyboard makes he free
Atop the highest posting tree
Made (of the k's) full 53
And (of the hundreds), another three!
Say, what a mensch is Rapparree
To write post fifty-three and three!
So let us now all drink to he!

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Oct 15 - 09:38 AM

I tried to pull a string once and got tossed out of the strip club.

Right! Mom has a bucket of ice cold spring water awaiting your poor, tired, burning feet and it's got that nice green scum on it. AND there's a tub of nice, warm, relaxing water that's only been used by gnu, Amos, Li'l Hawk, Ebbie, and a couple of guys who were passing by so it's still good.

Let me be the first to welcome you back! Everything's just as you left it, except for the bullet holes and the water damage where Amos forgot to turn off the third floor bath water and the scorch marks on the ceiling and the poison ivy that accidentally got rubbed into the carpet and the places where the dogs marked their territory after the cats did so and that place in the roof where the rocket with the satellite busted through and the basement where gnu's still blew up and the tire marks in the lawn from the ambulance and the medevac helicopter and where Ebbie carved her initials in that really old mahogany sideboard thing you like and the fridge and freezer stopped after the power was off for a week when it was so hot outside but we opened the doors so the odors could escape. Oh, did I mention the rats? The rats are all gone now and that's why there are bullet holes.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 13 Oct 15 - 12:42 AM

MOM, I'm in after a lovely day of running around and eating good food and visiting with old friends. Better have the footbath ready for a bucket of hot water for when I get back home - my feet are going to need a soak!

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 12 Oct 15 - 10:25 PM

That's ole Rapp--=always pulling strings.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Oct 15 - 02:14 PM

Nah, I'll check with him. If not him, I'll go higher up the ladder and check with Jacqui.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 12 Oct 15 - 11:15 AM

Kendall told me he got the copies available... he still may have some but I doubt it. Want me to email him?

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Oct 15 - 10:44 AM

Okay. I was fairly sure it was. Now I've got to get a copy. Can I borrow yours, Amos?

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 12 Oct 15 - 07:25 AM

The first printing sold out last week.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 Oct 15 - 11:08 PM

There's only one Skipper, Mister R., and that's the one.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Oct 15 - 10:51 PM

Sine virtus, sine laus.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Molalla
Date: 11 Oct 15 - 10:34 PM

Illegitimi non carborundum

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Oct 15 - 08:39 PM

Is this the book by Kendall Morse, who lives in Maine and was in the Coast Guard and worked as a Game Warden and is married to Jacqui and plays and sings and tells stories and who once had a television show on Maine PBS and who wrote an earlier book called "Tales Told In The Kitchen"? That Kendall Morse?

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 Oct 15 - 05:56 PM

Father Fell Down the Well is one of the funnniest books I have ever read. You need to read it just for your mental health!!

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Oct 15 - 04:13 PM

I remember now. It was Jimmy. Boy, was he embarrassed!

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Oct 15 - 12:39 PM

I understand that. Reminds me of the time that...who was it?...gnu?...my brother?...me?...no, I don't remember doing anything like that...now, who was that....

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 Oct 15 - 11:40 AM

Back from a long bout of high-intensity heavy-duty round-the-clock malingering. I swan I dunnno how long I can keep this up!

What a grand trip it has been.

Kendall's book has a fine tale in it of a man who used a privy and it was a two holer--his friend was using the second one. When he stood up, all the loose change in his pocket slipped out of his jeans and fell into the hole. He couldn't reach it. But ya know how tight Mainers can be with a quarter5, so after a while he proceeded to disrobe down to the buck-naked state. Then he took a five dollar bill out of his wallet and threw it into the hole. His friend thought he'd gone crazy. "Well," he explained, "You don't think I'm going in there for pocket change, do ya?"

Maybe you had to have been there...

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Oct 15 - 04:48 PM

Ay-yup. Done shot me some cowboys. Tough critters, but once you git 'em soaked in a good marinade they can cook up right fine. Iffen they don't ya jist throw to the coyotes.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Oct 15 - 10:00 AM

Gonna go shoot me some cowboys today. It's opening day of huntin' season and they should be comin' down offen the mountains 'bout now.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Oct 15 - 09:09 PM

They're all wrong. It actually stands for


ak...chest


pain...


thud.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 09 Oct 15 - 08:30 PM

I do now.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Oct 15 - 05:10 PM

Seriously, you don't know? I thought everyone knew!

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Oct 15 - 11:03 PM

You really don't know???

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 08 Oct 15 - 09:23 PM

Agggghhhhh! Constantly! Emails from buyers in Kijiji that ask, "Is this still available?" Yes it is you dumb fuck! I don't post shit for sale that isn't for sale. Jesus H. Christ what is wrong with these morons?

BTW, what does the "H." stand for? I forgot to ask Dad before he died.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 08 Oct 15 - 07:38 PM

Agreed, not voting pisses me off, and be glad she was aware of your sex. Sometimes it is good to be on the radar.

I'll be sporadically on the radar for the next week. Another pilgrimage for one of MOM's children. Boston, then NYC. A wedding, then some fun.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Oct 15 - 03:58 PM

Ask her for one that says "None recently."

At least you voted. Not voting pisses me off.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 08 Oct 15 - 01:54 PM

Done my duty today. Voted at Elections Canada. Pissed off that my sealed ballot then went in an envelope that I had to sign but, hopefully, it will be counted. It also pissed me off that the form I had to fill out required denoting my sex. It had two options... male or female. I wanted one that said "Please". The lass told me they have forms that include "Other" if anyone asks. How fucking odd... you gotta REQUEST one of those forms???? She actually reached over and Xed the "Male" box and said, "Last time you checked." I was very pissed off.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Oct 15 - 11:04 AM

Dibs on 53335!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Oct 15 - 10:24 AM

Never mind. That Privy Council has the fanciest outhouse I've seen since Steve's dad build one as an A-frame.

But a speech from the throne? I understand that Lyndon Johnson sometimes did that, but I figgered that Canada had better taste.