BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 21 Apr 15 - 09:50 PM

I can also say with almost 100% certainty that I should have used "implemented", not "instituted", in my next to last post. But, this being The Mudcat Café where the inability to edit one's posts seems to be part of the canon, my inferior word choice will remain a source of deep embarrassment for eternity.

---

You could send the resident mudelf a note via PM and ask her to fix it. But now you've talked about it in another post and editing the MOAB is a bitch. So it is there for eternity - this time. --- said resident Mudelf

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Apr 15 - 09:33 PM

We called 'em crawdads. Is Crawdadday okay?

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 21 Apr 15 - 07:22 PM

I can say with almost 100% certainty that it is not Friday afternoon. I will be in Atlanta Friday evening, so if it were Friday afternoon I would be driving in the direction of that metropolis. Since my current environs do not in any way resemble either Interstate 65 or Interstate 85, I must conclude that it is not Friday afternoon. If a couple of semi trucks driving at precisely the legal speed limit should suddenly appear out of nowhere, I may be forced to reconsider my conclusion.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 21 Apr 15 - 05:13 PM

No, it is not Tuesday. We have eliminated Tuesday. Today is Crawfishday. This change has been instituted because nobody knows what a tue is, but almost everyone knows what a crawfish is. You may call it Crayfishday if that is more in line with your regional dialect.

If you were fond of Tuesday and are displeased by this change, just be glad we didn't change it to Hogsheadcheeseday or Viennasausageday instead.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST
Date: 21 Apr 15 - 04:22 PM

SOmewhere--not here, certainly, but somewhere it is Friday afternoon, and the offices are closing up in anticipation of a three-day weekend. I believe this place is somewhere near the Orion constellation, but someday...

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 21 Apr 15 - 12:04 PM

Is it only Tuesday?

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 21 Apr 15 - 10:21 AM

Still on the pain meds eh?

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Apr 15 - 10:08 AM

No, Ebbie. The Apaches killed me.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 21 Apr 15 - 08:12 AM

BWL... I await your report.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Amos
Date: 21 Apr 15 - 02:04 AM

Y'all tell such tales. Honest to Gosh. Hell, I have just read three or four books from that writer feller Tim Cahill--one is called "Nibbled to Death by Ducks", for example--compared to which, I mean, your stories are almost pale and paltry yearnings. He is such a mensch, I swan.

Often in the evenings after two glasses of rioja, I take the faire dogge Maggie for a stroll to relieve her of any burdens of micturition for the night ahead, and thanks to the mellowing influence of Bacchus I often sing, softly, the old songs as I stroll by the darkened homes of my neighbors. Tonight O sang the whole story of Barb'ry Ellen, and then the long saga of Lord Lovell, both of which I recalled perfectly. ANother night it might be Carrickfergus or Old Reilly's Daughter or some variant on Patrick Spence. The dark homes do not complain, and Maggie Dogg finds it good accompaniment for her snuffling and peeing.

And so, good night, Mrs Murgatroyd, wherever you are...

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ebbie
Date: 21 Apr 15 - 01:43 AM

Rap, she asks breathlessly, did you survive?

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 20 Apr 15 - 11:18 PM

#12 shot from a pistol for an armoureddillo? Are ya gonna put the barrel against his head? Or am I missin sumpin?

I probably used the term "rat shot" in error. The shot cartridges I have for the .38 are #9 shot.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Apr 15 - 08:31 PM

The blackness was absolute, a dark such as someone trapped by the collapse of the roof of the mine would know. And there I was, over a mile beneath the surface, trapped by such a collapse. Worse, I could hear and feel the stope filling with water. Overhead, the hanging wall was groaning.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Apr 15 - 10:49 AM

Extraction was made under sniper fire, but that was to be expected. Later, my ankle bound, I was sipping some small barrel bourbon with the Mission Commander. She said, "A good job in spite of a bad landing." I nodded my thanks.

Sometimes the best thing you can say is to say little.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Apr 15 - 09:37 AM

There I was, two hundred meters up, swaying in a parachute harness over the total blackness below. Night jumps into mountains, I thought, can make for rather uncomfortable landings.

And I did land. Fortunately, I was limp and made a pretty good PLF. When I stood up I realized that I'd badly sprained my ankle.

Nevertheless, I gathered up my pack from the equipment chute (luckily, it didn't land far away and the tiny beacon guided me to it) and started to walk the two kilometers to my target. Two quite painful kilometers, and that's if they had dropped me on the correct LZ.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Apr 15 - 08:53 PM

They're opening a store about 50 miles north of here. Unless I have a good reason to go up that way I'll buy what I need from them (ain't much) online. I don't see the need to drive 100 miles round trip just to get a fishing lure, especially since there are perfectly good huntin'/fishin'/campin'/hikin'/climbin'/etc. stores within a couple miles of the house. Same with all the stores up that way.

Besides, I don't need any guns/boats/ammunition. As for the stuff with their logo on it -- well, if you want me to be a walking billboard for you, good, you can pay me for it. Caps and shirts and stuff with a commercial logo one it are ones I wanted, and they're few and far between.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 19 Apr 15 - 06:24 PM

No Rap. You are confuzzled with armoureddildos. We calls em good ol' boys. They roam the backwoods with all assorted forms of high powered irons with scope sights what could even see your pecker in yer Idaho from here. I ain't shittin ya. Now, I never knew er even thought such existed but I joined a Facebook group and there is a whack of em. I thought there were just a few like the ones I met up with way in back a yer beyond but... woooie! there's a lot.

Minds me. Yer Cabelas is openin a HUGE store about 2 km from me in a month er so. I gotta go see it. I gave up huntin n fishin years ago but it'll be like a walk down memory lane fast forwarded into the modern age of WTF do you need that for? Good ol boy (aka redneck) heaven.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Apr 15 - 05:51 PM

Yeah. Like in the next State or better, in New Brunswick, where there is a dearth of armadillos.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 19 Apr 15 - 02:57 PM

You can set up a couple of planks along either side of the path the armadillo uses and let them end at the opening of a live trap. They're really that stupid that they'll follow the edge and enter the cage.

It isn't good for (or sporting) to shoot an animal in a cage, best to release it down the road a piece.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 19 Apr 15 - 02:13 PM

#12 shot from a pistol for an armoureddillo? Are ya gonna put the barrel against his head? Or am I missin sumpin?

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 19 Apr 15 - 01:49 PM

Coincidentally, only a couple of weeks ago, I was waiting for an armadillo to come out from under my house so I could shoot it. I was armed with a 9mm, albeit a carbine instead of a pistol. I usually use a 12 gauge shotgun for varmints, but figured the rifle would be a little quieter on my wife's ears since I was close to the house. The armadillo didn't come out before I got tired of waiting, so I didn't get a chance to shoot my wife.

Since that non-incident, I have inherited a Smith & Wesson .38 Special and a box of rat shot cartridges for it. I suppose that will be my armadillo armament in the future since it will free a hand up to aim a flashlight. No more trying to aim shotguns by moonlight.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 19 Apr 15 - 08:40 AM

Leprosy? 12 gauge with 1 ounce rifled slug and a flame thrower for cleanup.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 19 Apr 15 - 08:23 AM

Bullet Intended for Pesky Armadillo Ends Ip Injuring Shooter's Mother-in-law

From: The Washington Post

This is the story about the improbable journey of a bullet, a doomed armadillo and a very lucky mother-in-law.

All Larry McElroy wanted to do was get rid of the armadillo, which was no doubt doing what armadillos do best: digging as if its life depended on it (it does) and tearing up a yard in southwest Georgia.

So McElroy pulled out a 9mm pistol in rural Lee County and took aim.

Before we go any further, it's important to note that this is, apparently, a perfectly legitimate response to the situation.

According to James Morgan of the University of Georgia's College of Agricultural and Environmental Sciences, shooting is one of the recommended ways to kill an armadillo.

"At first I ask if they live in the city or county, because shooting is an effective way of getting rid of them," Morgan told NBC affiliate WALB. "However, you have to be safe when you do that."

Okay, back to the story, because what happened next is … well, puzzling.

McElroy's bullet hit the armadillo but kept going, ricocheting off the animal's hard, leathery shell. It hit a fence, went through the back door of his mother-in-law's mobile home, pierced her recliner and hit her in the back, according to WALB. The bullet ended up about 100 yards from where McElroy pulled the trigger.

The good news: His mother-in-law, 74-year-old Carol Johnson, is all right!

"She was walking around on her own power and talking," Lee County Sheriff's Office investigator Bill Smith told the station. "It didn't appear to be too severe."

Johnson, Smith said, was taken to a local hospital.

The armadillo, however, didn't fare so well. Although the bullet didn't pierce the animal's shell, it ultimately killed it.

"Just the circumstances, just all the way around, the whole situation was unusual," Smith noted.

Next time, McElroy might want to try using a trap.

Armadillos, by the way, have been blamed for spreading leprosy to humans across the South, including three recent cases in Florida.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Apr 15 - 12:59 AM

Amos, I've already resigned and gave them your name. I told them you could blow yourself to bits more spectacularly than I could ever hope to, that you were the musician I could only aspire to be. So, in the third bar of "Devil Munchin' Toxic Septic Scum" trigger the detonator, okay? And make it spectacular, because we have a reputation to uphold.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Apr 15 - 11:35 PM

I love how BWL cuts right to the core of the matter every time.

Rapp, just get strong, okay? We can't have you hanging around being wussy. We have a certain rep to support, ya know?

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 18 Apr 15 - 10:30 PM

The difficulty of swallowing a microphone depends on the type of mic. You could learn to swallow a Shure SM-57 or SM-58 with a little practice, but one of those big-assed things they use in recording studios, well, you'd probably have to chew it up. Then there's the corded or cordless issue. If you swallow a mic with a cord, you can pull it back up like a goldfish. But if you swallow a cordless mic you should probably follow it with a strong laxative 'cause there's only one way that sucker's comin' out.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Apr 15 - 08:31 PM

This is not going to be an easy gig, and I feel sorry for the guy who has to swallow the microphone.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 18 Apr 15 - 07:56 PM

How are you supposed to burn the drum set if you explode first?

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Apr 15 - 07:52 PM

For some reason I'm expected to explode and burn the drum set at the end of the performance.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 18 Apr 15 - 04:46 PM

Thoughts and prayers to you, Rap. I know you'll do well. Just the kinda guy you are.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Apr 15 - 09:25 AM

I am still, here, but barely. Yesterday was very tiring and today will be exhausting, but duty calls and all that.

Gad, the guys look old, Mick especially. I don't know who came up with this "Kiss My Rolling Stones" Tour, but it will be great and Gene and Mick are getting along well together. Since I'll be playing drums for both groups, well, it's gonna be tiring.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Apr 15 - 02:05 AM

If a figment make a figment
When the mind's awry
If a figment make a figment
Need a figment sigh?
Every being has his dreams
And nonemay be denied!
But all my dreams call out to me
When my mind's awry!

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 17 Apr 15 - 04:51 PM

Funny? No. Factual? Yes. You are a figment of your imagination. Thereby, you doubly don't exist.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River
Date: 17 Apr 15 - 03:47 PM

You flipheads think you are real funny, eh, but I will be the one laffin' after I become a famuous heavy mettal rock star and youse are all still nobuddys! Mark my flippin' words, eh?

- Shane

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 17 Apr 15 - 03:03 PM

No cliffs or good friends? Sad.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 17 Apr 15 - 02:54 PM

My ancestors also had an "s" appended to their name, but it was for sheep shagging, not stealing. But they weren't alone in their village. Every male who lived there had that same "s" except for one young man who'd been born with a club foot and couldn't run fast enough to catch a sheep.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 17 Apr 15 - 02:34 PM

My Irish (nee Wales) forefathers came to the fly infested bog country of New Brunswick, Canada with an 's' branded on the end of our name for sheep stealing from wealthy landlords installed by the evil English and their murderous army. They came to Saint John and were promptly placed in quarantine on Partridge Island until deemed fit to be granted a parcel of land and pay taxes on said mire to the Crown. In the British Empire, one does not own land - miss your rent and you are gone. Just like in the old country.

They toiled in the sandy soil and peat for many decades, supplementing the meager crops with wild game and fish and what could be earned from lumbering King's Arrow pine and saw wood. Then, a twist of fate led Gramps and Gramma to Moncton. Tis a family secret which I have shared but with only one cousin after I became Chieftan upon the death of my uncle Charles Thomas. He shall be next, by my word, as the eldest is unworthy.

My other forefathers came from Normandy, France. LeBlanc and nee Melonson. Another family secret about why Mémère and Pépère landed in Moncton is well known but never explicitly discussed. Essentially, Pépère ran away from the seminary three times. The last time, he sought refuge in a good place and his mémère refused to release him to his parents so he landed in Moncton with other family. He, a Master Baker, as trained in the seminary, and his wife "Nellie" did well operating their small store for many years.

So, here I sit. Freeze my ass in winter and roast my nuts in summer. Still, it's better than sheep stealing to survive.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 17 Apr 15 - 02:01 PM

I am offended by this talk of subjecting McBrides to hanging or being shipped off in disease-infested ships. I consider such actions to be dreadful wastes of perfectly good resources. McBrides make excellent moving targets for infantry training, superb bayonet dummies, and outstanding subjects for nerve gas experiments.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Brendan O'Lynne
Date: 17 Apr 15 - 10:53 AM

Too true, Paddy. There was a tribe of them around Skibbereen, and them taking the crusts out of the mouths of starving children during the Famine. Seventeen of the bastards now share the mounds with the Famine victims in the Skibbereen cemetery. We put another forty or so on a coffin ship carrying cholera passengers that was bound for Montreal, savin' that it never arrived.

There was another nest of them that cooperated with the Black and Tans and they were dealt with accordingly, root and branch.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Paddy O'Malley
Date: 17 Apr 15 - 01:17 AM

This Shane McBride mog spoke truer than he knew when he said "we McBrides ALWAYS hang together!" The truth is, we hanged 25 of the bastards simultaneously at a mass hanging in Dingle in 1852....this due to many grievous offences committed by the McBrides in and around nearby Dangle, a small community that was infested with the progeny of that accursed name. Guilty of every known form of vice, these stocious chancers and slags had caused grief and loss to decent people all over the Emerald Isle, and the general population finally rose up to exterminate the worst of them and expel the others from our shores, putting them on ships bound for America and Canada. Any who refused to go were either hanged or shot. This fecking Shane gowl is a spanner of the lowest sort, and a disgrace to Ireland.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Apr 15 - 11:22 PM

Between Shame and such as us a Great Gulf is fixed, and where he is it's very, very, very hot and very, very, very cold at the same time. To understand that I suggest Dante's Inferno, where you will find all of the McBrides queued up for their turn in the middle head in Canto XXXIV.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 16 Apr 15 - 06:02 PM

I beg to differ. It demonstrates the "difference"... oh... I'll stop there. Thanks, A.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 16 Apr 15 - 05:45 PM

Excellent versification, Amos. But it seems a pity to waste the effort on such a vacuous poltroon as Shane McBride.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 16 Apr 15 - 02:10 PM

You can speak of your Dooleys and Tooleys and Flynns,
Great louts with long records of terrible sins,
But for real human scumballs who ought to have died
You'll never find worse genes than from a McBride.

Their DNA's rotten and broken and weak
They can't breed a hero, professor or geek
ANd their flesh smells like trout that has quite putrified
Those dumkopf do-nuffinks, the shameless McBrides.

They are shiftless, immoral, with no sense of class
They talk about nothing but beer, tits and ass
For a clan whose raw life force is quite petrified
Just pick up the phone and call a McBride!

You can find them in slums, and in bars playing pool
But you won't find one of them in any real school
They are fools, and they drool, and they're fouled up inside,
Those jadrool mammaluccas they call the McBrides.

So if you are seeking a lifestyle of pride
With honors bestowed, and a smart, pretty bride
Don't hang out with scumbags, who never have tried,
And flee from the bums who say "I'm a McBride".

Tennise Ennywhon
Warnings for Slow Children
Brookneau Fools, Gladly, pub.
Whacking-on-Selves, 1976

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 16 Apr 15 - 01:10 PM

SRS, you say "trailer trash" as if it's a bad thing.

I'm sure that if Ms Rutledge were to find herself living in a mobile home outside of Jonesboro, Arkansas, the vehicles sitting on concrete blocks in the front yard would be BMWs and Jaguars, not old Dodge pickups and Ford Pintos.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Apr 15 - 11:16 AM

One on one, Shame? C'mon. One on one. Just you and me. I'll only grab, yank, and twist if I can find something to do that to -- you don't have any use for that part of your body anyway. And I promise not to gouge out your eyes or do anything to ruin those looks that get you by in prison.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River
Date: 16 Apr 15 - 01:56 AM

You are a sick flippin' dude, Rap! If you were living anywheres near this town, I would call the cops and have you arrested! Snake pulled a flippin' knife on me and Don in prison one time after we get convicketed on the school bus and liquer store robbery job, and that was goin' WAY too far. He tried to kill Don!!! I went flippin' nuts and grabbed him from behind and choked him till he dropt the knife, and then Don kicked him in the mungoberries, eh? It was a bad flippin' moment or two there. Anyone pulls a knife on a McBride and the gloves are off! Know what I'm sayin'? We did not come all the ways from Dangle, Ireland to be done in like strey dogs by crazy flipheads with knives, and we McBrides ALWAYS hang together!

- Shane

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 15 Apr 15 - 10:54 PM

Stay away for a couple of days and a regular brouhaha breaks out. BWL suggesting that some visitors fall in the ranks of trailer trash - and of course, Rap offering to shoot or skewer them. At least Amos kept his head and wrote poetry.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Apr 15 - 09:30 PM

Shame, you ought to feel a blade sliding into someone -- the sensuous feel as it slides in, the grating on bone, the twisting, the rush of hot blood. Come visit and I'll show you what it feels like to be the recipient.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Apr 15 - 09:27 PM

True. My finger got carried away. Any knife is deadly in the right hands, even my little 1.5 inch (that's the big blade) Buck pocket knife. For knife fighting, I've been trying to decide for some time among the Ka-Bar, the Fairbairn-Sykes, and the rondel. All have something to be said for them, especially as you don't want the grip to slip in your hand if it gets bloody or wet (which leaves out my old Buck General, as the black grip would slide too easily).

As a point of interest, I've used the Buck knife in many other ways, including as a froe for splitting firewood, but it's not really a fighting knife as it stands. I have a sentimental attachment to it, as I bought it when I didn't know if I would be in Vietnam in a month or what and I couldn't afford a .357.