BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 14 Dec 16 - 12:53 PM

HOLD THE PHONE!!! SHE'S OFF THE WIRE!!!

Starting tomorrow, The Real Atlantic Stupidstore* has 240 count boxes of King Cole Tea on sale for $4.99. I shall be there before daylight with a crisp $20 bill!

I shit you not.

* It WOULD be the "Superstore" if at least half of the employees knew something, anything, about half of the products but they don't. Don't get me wrong. It's a great place for groceries... on sale. And, at least twice a month, I buy something, go through the checkout, go to Customer Service, and get it for free because the checkout price was not as advertised in the weekly flier or as displayed on the shelf. Hey, if they wanna try to rip off customers at the checkout, two can play that game... I just pay without saying "That's not the correct price." Their "minced pies" are delicious and they were free on Sunday. >;-)

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 14 Dec 16 - 09:40 AM

hey Rapaire how bout an Ode to a Hacker's EGO ?
You know, sumpin the NSA auto apps will pick up like Amos said.
Be sure to include the undeciphered code outside Langley.
That will really drive them nuts.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Dec 16 - 09:25 AM

Some of my bestest work!

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Dec 16 - 11:02 PM

Their faces gaunt, their eyes were blurred,
Their shorts all soaked with sweat.
They're writin' hard for an autolink, but they ain't writ it yet!
'Cause they got write forever on Trash 80s in the sky,
Drinkin' ice cold coffee, as they write on, hear their cry.

Yippie-I-ay, yippie-I-o
Bit buckets in the sky.

As the programmers wrote on by him, he heard one call his name,
"If you wanna to save your code from loops while writin' on your NeXT,
Then you'd best change your links today, or with us you will write,
Tryin' to debug the devil's script, no Mountain Dew at your side!"

Yippie-I-ay, yippie-I-o
Bit buckets in the sky.
Bit buckets in the sky.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Dec 16 - 09:31 AM

An old programmer went riding out one dark and windy day,
On an overpass he rested as he went along his way,
When all at once a mighty herd of binary he saw,
A ploughin' through the ragged skies
And up a cloudy draw.

Yippee-yi-ay, yippee-yi-o,
The bit bucket in the sky.

Their headers were on fire and their comments made of steel,
Their functions black and shiny and their hot calls he could feel,
A bolt of fear went through him as they thundered through the sky,
For he saw programmers comin' hard
And he heard their mournful cry.

Yippee-yi-ay, yippee-yi-o,
Bit buckets in the sky.

(more to come!)

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 12 Dec 16 - 11:59 PM

It was intercepted by Federal security officers on its way across a wireless link to a satellite, Rapp. These buggers are everywhere, I am telling yoouse.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Dec 16 - 10:24 PM

I posted a post that was particularly insightful and yet full of that for which Mom is known around the world.

Whatever happened to it? Has it gone to The Great Bit Bucket In The Sky?

Which gives me an idea for an Olde Folke Tune....

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 12 Dec 16 - 06:01 PM

I have three Dremel tools and use them for lots of jobs, but there are some things they just can't do. For instance, you can't use a Dremel to milk a cow. That requires a Weedwacker.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: keberoxu
Date: 12 Dec 16 - 05:20 PM

Did you know that some people, owned by dogs, trim their dog's nails/claws with Dremel tools? Instead of just hacking through the claw, that is, and risking the cutting of the "quick."

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 12 Dec 16 - 01:08 PM

Hi, Mom! I just wrote a Christmas song for you!

THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS - TOOLHEAD VERSION

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me
A big bag of cable ties

On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Two miter saws and a big bag of cable ties

On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Three drill bits, two miter saws and a big bag of cable ties

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Four socket sets, three drill bits, two miter saws and a big bag of cable ties

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Five Dremel tools
Four socket sets, three drill bits, two miter saws and a big bag of cable ties

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Six drills a drilling
Five Dremel tools
Four socket sets, three drill bits, two miter saws and a big bag of cable ties

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Seven sanders sanding, six drills a drilling
Five Dremel tools
Four socket sets, three drill bits, two miter saws and a big bag of cable ties

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Eight planes a planing, seven sanders sanding, six drills a drilling
Five Dremel tools
Four socket sets, three drill bits, two miter saws and a big bag of cable ties

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Nine grinders grinding, eight planes a planing, seven sanders sanding, six drills a drilling
Five Dremel tools
Four socket sets, three drill bits, two miter saws and a big bag of cable ties

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Ten routers routing, nine grinders grinding, eight planes a planing, seven sanders sanding,
six drills a drilling
Five Dremel tools
Four socket sets, three drill bits, two miter saws and a big bag of cable ties

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Eleven hammers hammering, ten routers routing, nine grinders grinding , eight planes a planing,
seven sanders sanding, six drills a drilling
Five Dremel tools
Four socket sets, three drill bits, two mitre saws and a big bag of cable ties

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Twelve levels leveling, eleven hammers hammering, ten routers routing, nine grinders grinding ,
eight planes a planing, seven sanders sanding, six drills a drilling
Five Dremel tools
Four socket sets, three drill bits, two miter saws and a big bag of cable ties

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 12 Dec 16 - 11:23 AM

Well, that's just ducky!

That's a Mandarin duck, an east Asian species, closely related to our North American wood duck. Both are quite lovely, though my personal favorite duck is the hooded merganser. Possibly because they remind me of the mutant in my favorite Outer Limits episode.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Dec 16 - 10:35 AM

Here is a really nice picture.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Dec 16 - 09:23 PM

He can't drive it from every direction at once. At least not in this space-time. Besides, the local paper (Idaho State Journal) says that the chariot racing season is off and running in Preston.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 11 Dec 16 - 08:44 AM

Mom! Weather Underground is telling me that it's currently 31.0°F and the wind is blowing from the northeast at 0 MPH. How can the wind be blowing from the northeast when it's not blowing at all?

If a car's stuck in a traffic jam, it's not moving but you can see which way it's pointing so you can assume it's going to resume moving in that direction when traffic clears (unless the driver puts it in the wrong gear). But that's not how the wind works. Just because the last detectable wind came from the northeast doesn't mean the next wind isn't going to come from a different direction all together. There are no "STAY IN YOUR LANE" or "NO U-TURNS" signs on the Aeolian Superhighway. Aeolus can drive his chariot wherever he damned well pleases!

Give it some thought after you've had your morning coffee and a couple of tokes. I patiently await your oh so wise reply.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 10 Dec 16 - 11:58 PM

Five pints of Irn Bru for Mom!

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 10 Dec 16 - 11:48 PM

Oh boy!   A reward! Now I can afford that prewar Martin D-28!

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Dec 16 - 10:41 PM

Mom thanks you from the bottom of her little-bitty heart. We all thank you. Amos is sending you the reward; don't spend it all in one place.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 10 Dec 16 - 03:24 PM

Okay, Mom! Yes, it's exciting to live a bit dangerously and experience the thrill of having less than an hour to go before falling into the abyss, but it's time to go back to the top now. Up we go!

(Please note that I, unlike some of your more overly protective children, have allowed you to go into that last hour. Heck, I'd let you go right down to the last minute if I didn't have anything better to do than sit around watching the clock, but I've gotta go blow leaves off the roof.)

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 09 Dec 16 - 04:21 PM

Human faces evolved to look like chimps' butts.

No further comment from me, but we anxiously await Little Hawk's reappearance....

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 09 Dec 16 - 04:01 PM

One term for a young human which seems to have no verb or gerund corollary is "god-dammed little shit-head". I have definitely heard adults use precisely that term when referring to a child, but I've never heard of anyone god-dammed little shit-heading around.

Same thing with "stupid little fucker". I'm pretty sure "stupid little fuckering" is not in the OED.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 09 Dec 16 - 03:11 PM

Amos :<}

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 09 Dec 16 - 03:04 PM

adjective, Archaic.
1.
bearing children; pregnant.

She: I'm childing
He: What? Are you kidding?
She: No, I'm not kidding, I am childing.
He: Well don't expect me to be babying you.
She: Even when I am toddling and grave with the burden of childing?
He: I am NOT kidding.
She: Yes, you are.
He: I am not kidding. No babying.
She: I am doing the childing here, not you. You are just kidding around.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 09 Dec 16 - 11:11 AM

So, a young human may be referred to as a child, a kid, a toddler, or a baby. But childing, kidding, toddling, and babying all mean totally different things.

Doesn't matter to me. I live in the south where we call 'em all young-uns until they're old enough to shave, smoke, or dip snuff, whichever comes first.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Dec 16 - 09:31 AM

"Childing" means to be pregnant or fruitful, or to put new blossoms around old. Its usage declined after 1500 BCE.

Go to the next pregnant lady you see and chide her childing. If you see a pregnant man call the "National Enquirer" and chillingly chide that chilling childing.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 08 Dec 16 - 03:45 PM

Rap, there were almost two hours left before Mom would be in danger of falling. How is Mom ever going to learn self-sufficiency and independence if you're always there to catch her? It's the opposite of helicopter parenting. Helicopter childing is what it is!

(Did you know "childing" is a real word? I thought I was making it up, but Spell Checker says it's real. Well, I'll be hornswoggled! And Spell Checker says "hornswoggled" is not a real word, but I've been using it forever. Go figure....)

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Dec 16 - 03:18 PM

Saving Mom once again, I was reminded of the old tune:


Motherless children have a hard time when mother is gone
Motherless children have a hard time when mother is gone
Wanderin' 'round from door to door
They don't have no place to go
Motherless children have a hard time when mother is gone.

Some people say, "Sister will do when your mother is gone." (2x)
Some people say "Your sister will do"
Soon as she marries, turn her back on you.
Motherless children have a hard time when mother is gone.

Your wife or your husband may be good to you when your mother is gone.(2x)
Wife or your husband may be good to you,
Nobody treat you like your mother do.
Motherless children have a hard time when mother is gone.

Some people say, "Your auntie will do when your mother is gone." (2x)
Some people say "Your auntie will do"
Make a start, and then prove untrue.
Motherless children have a hard time when mother is gone.

Jesus will be a Father to you when your mother is gone. (2x)
Jesus will be a Father to you
In pain and sorrow He will lead you through.
Motherless children have a hard time when mother is gone.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Dec 16 - 05:15 PM

151 proof, gnu.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 07 Dec 16 - 03:32 PM

Oh, come now, Rapparee! Mom wouldn't have fallen off the page for another two hours and fifty-two minutes! Not even close! Lots of people can run an entire marathon in way less time than that. The Indianapolis 500 has been run in less time than that. Who knows what great things Mom might have accomplished in that two hours and fifty-two minutes? Probably not a damned thing, but who knows?

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 07 Dec 16 - 03:23 PM

I hope it was black rum of a decent sort.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Dec 16 - 12:54 PM

Mom was mere moments from disasters! Quelle horreur! Only I seem to care! But I put her in her rocker with a nice quilt over her aged knees and a cup of rum-laced hot chocolate in her feeble hands.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 06 Dec 16 - 03:46 PM

Sent them to Pocatello, postpaid express.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Dec 16 - 09:00 AM

Amos, what did you ever do about that infestation of you-know-whats?

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Dec 16 - 08:49 AM

Everyone thinks that after the first of the year the price will come down. So, Amos, you fool 'em and raise the price. Then you can lower it to your original asking price and people will think they got a good deal. A true win-win situation!

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 05 Dec 16 - 07:32 PM

Hi Mom! Art fair season is over! Hurray! Unsold pots are snuggly wrapped in their boxes and nestled down for their three-month-long winter's nap. I don't give a shit whether visions of sugar plums dance in their heads or not.

I shall now spend a few weeks in The Land of Neglected Repairs where Roofing, Rescreening and Rot Repair all clamor for my attention. Each is hollering, "Me! Me! Me first!" But it's raining right now, so they can all piss off for a few days.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 05 Dec 16 - 06:44 PM

I think I gott distracted during that last post. More viewers tomorrow. Not the best time of year, with Christmas looming, but who knows? Only the most determined will investigate.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: keberoxu
Date: 05 Dec 16 - 12:23 PM

Well, the snow out here isn't for blowing. The temperature is mild, for December, and the whole thing is turning into a slushfest.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Dec 16 - 10:09 AM

Bad grammar or an incomplete sentence there, Amos.

I am glad for you that your house is generating interest and I hope that it sells soon. Then you can celebrate Christmas snug in your new home amidst the green hills of North Carolina, the Yule log roasting on an open fire and Jack Off clawing at your nose.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 04 Dec 16 - 11:31 PM

Anothe r Open House today with a lot of interest being stirred up. One family wants to convert the house into an Elder Care home for six residents. A nice kosher family might want it to

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Dec 16 - 10:38 PM

I am soooooooooo glad I got here to rescue Mom before The Worst happened.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 04 Dec 16 - 12:39 AM

The success of your vision -- all Depens.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 03 Dec 16 - 05:48 PM

My mother had a psychiatric joke she used to tell: A psychiatrist died and arrived at the pearly gates and St. Peter rushed up and ushered him in, saying "I'm so glad you're here - god think's he's Charlton Heston."

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 03 Dec 16 - 05:07 PM

Gnu Those old LBJ jokes still work.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Dec 16 - 10:54 AM

No,Amos, I shan't. External beauty fades like the blown rose, like grass in Winter. True pulchritude springs from inside, like the life force that brings forth the rose and the grass in Spring. A lean and muscled body is no match for the coos of a baby or the child-like laughter. And so I shall strive to be childlike and let that which is inside me exude to all the world.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 03 Dec 16 - 06:21 AM

Hot off the internut.

After passing on, George Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump are
going for a job interview with God.
God asks Bush: "What do you believe in"?
Bush replies: "I believe in a free economy, a strong America, The
American nation and so on ..."
God is impressed by Bush and tells him: "Great , come sit in the
chair on my right"
God goes to Obama and ask: "What do you believe in"?
Obama replies: "I believe in democracy, helping the poor, world
peace, etc. .... ".
God is really impressed by Obama and tells him: 'Well done , come sit
in the chair on my left"
Finally God asks Trump : "What do you believe in"?
Trump replied: "I believe you're sitting in my chair".

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 03 Dec 16 - 01:16 AM

Bland is just a setting on the VitaMix.

I am delighted with your efforts, Sir Rapp, to mythologize me. Truly I am. You have made me a legend in your own mind. I admit I wanted this to happen, but with someone endowed with a touch more pulchritude than you can muster. Someone not quite as beefy, hairy, and round-bellied as your noble self. But it's a start. See what you can do to approach the ideal a little closer, would you?

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Dec 16 - 10:17 PM

Of course, "average" can also mean "bland."

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Dec 16 - 08:27 AM

Except for the snowfall, Amos is moving to An Average Town! Well, once someone as cool as Amos moves there it'll change. The temperature will drop because of the added cool and most of the rain will turn to snow. The drop in temperature will also affect the surrounding area, of course, and soon glaciers will form. These will move down the surrounding hills, crushing all in their path and changing the landscape. The changing landscape will have to be remapped, and the employees of the USGS will be annoyed with Amos because his coolness will have caused them extra work. The NASA budget will be blown because the need to launch new satellites, and needed food and supplies won't reach the ISS, causing it to slip out of orbit and most of it burn up on re-entry. Parts that don't burn will hit the centers of Moscow, New York, LA, London, and Paris; being mistaken as a nuclear attack this will cause missiles to be launched and WWIII to break out. Soon the world will be plunged back to the paleolithic. ALL BECAUSE AMOS IS SOOOOOOO COOL!

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Dec 16 - 02:35 AM

Hillsborough    United States Avg

Rainfall (in.)         45.7                  39.2
Snowfall (in.)         1.9               25.8
Precipitation Days 104               102
Sunny Days         218                       205

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Dec 16 - 10:18 PM

Well, I'll save Mom from the ignominy of near disasters. But then, that's why I'm her favorite!

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Dec 16 - 03:18 PM

Conias, gnu. Filpa nost weayca flost. Schnedna nefrana.