BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 08 May 10 - 09:53 AM

Last night I sealed the grout again. It's done, and will not have to buff like that again for a year or so. Oi.

"The struggle itself...is enough to fill a man's heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy."Ê


(Camus)

A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 07 May 10 - 11:48 PM

Well, shit. I was kind of looking forward to those stories. Little Hawk, interview the man, see if you can transcribe each title on that list into a story. I'm sure you can do it.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 May 10 - 11:38 PM

Someone suggested it but he got it confused with ordering beer...

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 May 10 - 10:02 PM

Now if he'd paid more attention in school (before he dropped out in the second grade) he could sign stuff "XX" or the double cross -- very appropriate to him.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 May 10 - 09:33 PM

See? He can be clever!!


A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 May 10 - 08:17 PM

Shame signs his name with and "X" on his dole forms. If he wants to go incognito he puts a circle around it.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 07 May 10 - 06:20 PM

Oh. I skimmed LH's list and thought those were all subjects for short stories Shane wanted to write. Now that would have been interesting.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 May 10 - 05:25 PM

Go with Josie and the Pussycats. Or Boo-Boo and the Bares.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 07 May 10 - 03:56 PM

Wow, Rapaire! What a great list of band names! This is really gonna be tough.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 May 10 - 03:45 PM

Rotten Hosers?


A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 May 10 - 03:13 PM

And, of course,

Josie and the Pussycats

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 May 10 - 03:11 PM

For Shame
Richard and the Heads
The Flats
New Feces On The Block
Bolthole Surfers
The Know-Nothings
Dumb and Ugly
Health Department Shutdown
No Girls Allowed
Cow Pie Pizza
The Cowardly Liars
Stage Puke
Skank Music
Wide Stance
Flatulence
Rock God Atheists
The Roll Yer Owns
The Archies

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 07 May 10 - 02:13 PM

Shane has ideas again about starting up a rock band and fronting it. He figures he can get girls that way and become rich and famous.

But he isn't sure what name the band should have. Can you people help him choose a good one?

Here are some possibilities he's considering:

The MotherFlippers

The Skank Rangers

Old Road Kill

Kid Moronic and the Useless Flippers

Flip Youse

Barf Sunday

Don, on the other hand, suggested:

The Pissants

Major Loozer

Laffing Stock

Village Idiotz

I think all those are pretty good, but you folks might come up with something even better. Go to it, eh?

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Eiseley
Date: 07 May 10 - 01:51 PM

Yes, add some more, and make more photocopies of the other ones. Or, if you'd like, I'd be glad to enter them into the computer for you!

The boys want more Swamp Stories, and Tom says they're better than what he has to read for school.

K

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 May 10 - 01:45 PM

Well, they're on the J (external hard) drive on Pat's computer upstairs and I ripped them off from there.

I've got to spruce those up a bit and add some more....

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 May 10 - 01:44 PM

Well...I suppose he could have different personalities, and have them steal from each other. It would cause stress to the primary, because a sort of cognitive dissonance would ensue. But the real core question is who would be experiencing the stress?

A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 07 May 10 - 01:27 PM

Got the book, Eiseley. Looks interesting!

Rap, only if you're beside yourself can you plagiarize yourself.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 07 May 10 - 01:05 PM

MOM

Rap just confessed he is a self-plaigerist!

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 May 10 - 12:55 PM

Myself. And I have a witness, 'cause Eiseley can vouch that I ripped myself off. And those were just the ones I've bothered to put on the computer -- the handwritten ones are still pristine photocopies of the originals which I sent to my nieces and nephews. Had ya worried, didn't I?

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 May 10 - 10:52 AM

From whom, Rapaire?

A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 May 10 - 10:40 AM

I must confess. I ripped off those stories I posted.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 07 May 10 - 10:17 AM

Stilly - I saw....out on FB

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 May 10 - 11:16 PM

The US promised a bonus to WWI veterans; this led to the so-called "Bonus Army" march and camp in DC -- they wanted the bonus they were promised NOW because the Depression was on. Dugout Doug MacArthur led the troops that teargassed the marchers, burned their camp, and ran tanks over the remains of the camp.

The $100 my brother is applying for is purely from the State of Illinois.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Eiseley
Date: 06 May 10 - 10:57 PM

Is that the bonus Uncle Mathias got, well, for WWI, not Vietnam?

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 May 10 - 09:51 PM

Amos, I was just talking with my bro. He has the National Defense Service Medal (like everyone else), Good Conduct Medal, Marksman with the .38 pistol, an Outstanding Unit medal of some sort, the Vietnam Service ribbons, and the Air Medal with four oak leaf clusters.

He may be getting some more. The good thing about the VN ribbons and recognition of his VN service is that he has applied for the $100 Vietnam Veteran bonus the State of Illinois gives out.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 06 May 10 - 09:35 PM

Well, he probably deserves 'em. Even if he only translated he GReat Philosophical Treatises of the Nguen Dynasty.

Nguen was that?


A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 May 10 - 07:35 PM

By the way, my youngest brother called about a half hour ago. He received his medals for service in Vietnam today, after just two and half years of proving to people in High Places that since the Air Farce taught him Vietnamese he probably did really serve in Vietnam.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 May 10 - 07:31 PM

Ah, Amos, may the cluirican come to live with you and not share.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 06 May 10 - 06:33 PM

Leo, consider it stolen again. And broadcast widely. . .

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 06 May 10 - 05:04 PM

Oh you Dullahan! You witless Gan Ceann! Nuffin' but a wry-witted, cheap unseelie fairie, headless, black-horsed, mothering frightened nightmares for the ruination of childhoods everywhere!! SHouldn't you be ashamed? I think surely you should. In any case, since you are doomed to pass on before me, bring on your black carriage, and I will ride it with a whoop and a curdling chortle, and drive you therein back to your never-to-be-blessed Court in Hell.


A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 May 10 - 04:19 PM

Please choose the effects you'd like from this menu. Choose as many as you wish:

1. Rocks and other hard things being thrown at random times day and night.

2. Freezing cold spots in all bathrooms.

3. Ectoplasmic appearances at inconvenient times.

4. Bloody heads and/or body parts appearing on the roof or in hallways.

5. Duets for ghostly bagpipes and banjos.

6. Blood spots which can't be washed away.

7. The Cóiste Bodhar.

8. Ghostly trumpet solos.

9. All of the above.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 May 10 - 04:07 PM

Just for that, Amos old man, when (and if) I make my final quietus, I shall let my spirit run riot in your abode no matter where that might be.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 06 May 10 - 03:55 PM

I guess he's only retired in the flesh, not in the spirit, if you see what I mean.


A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 May 10 - 01:44 PM

Don't forget the Chorus:

Since Rapaire went away, YEE-HAH!
Since Rapiare went away
But now the days are cold and bleak
Since Rapaire went away!

YEE-HAH!!

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Eiseley
Date: 06 May 10 - 01:33 PM

Snow in May, a paradox
Earth should be growing warm
But now a great big winter storm
Is bending down the phlox.

The sun, it used to shine all day.
We'd bask in balmy heat
But now the days are cold and bleak
Since Rapaire went away.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 May 10 - 01:01 PM

The sun, this bleak and leaden day
Shines cheerless on the SNOWS of May.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 May 10 - 12:07 PM

Yeah, but that means she knows what the ending is and when. You'd think she could at least let me know so I can get whatever affairs I'm having in order.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 06 May 10 - 11:41 AM

Rapaire, she just SAID not to give away the ending. C'mon! Rules is rules...


A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 06 May 10 - 10:59 AM

I thought this would be appreciated here at the MOAB....

I stole this from an SCA e=list poster who stole it from an un named e-mail source.

The fundamental particle of confusion is the jargon.
If a jargon and an anti-jargon collide, they annihilate
each other, with the emission of a pair of high-energy
grammar rays.


Brilliant, yes? I wonder if they have a duck-dog?

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 May 10 - 09:20 AM

So don't anyone give away the ending.

WHAT ending? Do you know something I don't? You know when and how I'm going to end? I don't want to end! Not until I can go to Confession and do penance (okay, forget the penance, I do that every day). A clean breast of it all before I Check Out, okay? Not like my Uncle Herman, who cashed in his chips flagrantly delicious, so to speak, and caused my Aunt Maude all sorts of trouble covering up the scandal. What ending? Let me know so I can sleep in that day!

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 May 10 - 09:09 AM

Moms run fast both day and night
Deep in the heart of taxis...

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 06 May 10 - 08:33 AM

I've started the Rapaire saga, but am only one entry in so far. So don't anyone give away the ending.

All sorts of kid running around today, MOM. You'll have to just toss anything you want dropped off in the back of the truck and tape a note on the dashboard telling me what goes where. This isn't just Mom's Taxi, this is more like Mom's FedEx truck.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 05 May 10 - 11:49 PM

Whoooeeee.

Good stuff, Rapaire.


Thanks. This changeup has been delightful.

A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Eiseley
Date: 05 May 10 - 11:00 PM

For today.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 May 10 - 10:42 PM

Well, that's enough of those.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 May 10 - 09:38 PM

It's yours.

Well, yeah. They gave me the Silver Star. But I left it at the Wall. I was trying to give it back to the guy who earned it. I guess it's in the Smithsonian or somewhere, where ever it is that they keep the stuff guys leave at the Wall.
        See, it was like this. Me and Charlie Edelson enlisted together -- we went in on the "Buddy Plan" and the Army said that we'd be training together and all. And we did. We went through Basic together, down at Fort Knox, and we went through AIT at Ft. Benning to learn to be in the infantry. And when that was done we went to Jump School together, too, and learned to jump out of perfectly good airplanes. All along it was me and Charlie, Charlie and me. We were like brothers or something.
        Anyway, after Jump School the Army decided that they needed a couple more grunts in the Nam and Charlie and me got our orders.
        We had a couple of weeks of leave at home, but neither me or Charlie really enjoyed it much. I mean, you know that it's gonna end and that something awful might be waiting.
        So we reported to Ft. Lewis like we were supposed to and only a couple of days later we got in a big silver bird and were on our way.
        The heat at Tan Son Nhut airport was like a blast furnace when they opened the door. We didn't get to think much about it, 'cause they had us off the plane and into trucks and buses double quick. Before we knew what was going on, me and Charlie had been assigned to different units. He was sent down to the Delta and I was sent up North to 156th Airborne Brigade.
        
        Oh yeah. We told the folks at the replacement depot that we'd enlisted on the Buddy Plan and that we were supposed to serve together. I think that that might have been the best laugh they had that day. Then a Captain told us that the "Buddy Plan" only applied to training, and training was over.
        When you don't have any choice you just eat what's served. Charlie went South and I went North.
        We wrote back and forth, and we met a couple of times in Saigon and once in Cu Chi and had some beers and talked. Charlie was doin' just what I was: grunt stuff out in the bush.
        Then one day, after I'd been in country for about six months, I got a letter from Charlie's mom. Charlie had gotten himself greased -- he'd tripped a booby trap when he'd been walking point and he came home in pieces. Not that Mrs. Edelson said it that way; she just said that Charlie had been killed on patrol and that she knew that I'd like to know. I found out what happened later from some other grunts who had known Charlie.
        So I was kind of down for a couple of months, but by Tet '68 I was gettin' short and Charlie Edelson was a memory.    Then Charlie -- Victor Charlie -- stomped all over us and I got a Purple Heart and the Silver Star I didn't earn.
        It was like this. We were out on patrol, and the Six -- that is, the CO, Captain Walters -- and the First Sergeant and all of the HQ folks were out with us, 'cause it was supposed to be a skate. Well, it was to start with.
        The Captain and the First had been cadre at the Jump School at Benning and they had the idea that everything in the bush had to be done the Benning Way. Now, lots of that is fine but some of it can get you killed in the bush when people are shooting real bullets at you and doing their very, very best to hurt you instead of you hurting them. Like, the Captain insisted that we carry our gas masks on patrol -- but only one canteen of water! And we couldn't roll our shirt sleeves up, much less take our shirts off! But most importantly, he only let us carry the "basic load" of ammo.
        See, usually we'd carry ever piece of ammo we could carry. Ammo and water and food and insect repellent -- I mean, it got really basic out there. But not when the CP staff were with us! Nope! Four grenades, eighty rounds in magazines and twenty more in the rifle -- that sort of thing. Stuff that could get you killed.
        But like I say, the patrol started as a skate. We were bedding down no later than 1600 each day, diggin' holes and makin' bunkers, pullin' guard duty and listening posts just like we were back at Benning. And all the time the Top and the Old Man riding you for dusty boots or a limp uniform. It was a skate, but not a happy one.
        Then Charlie pulled the cork and it really hit the fan!
        We were humpin', following the Captain's route, and we were crossing a clearing when the point went down from a 12.7 mm machine gun.   Then a bunch of mortar rounds chewed up the rear and those of us in the middle were cut off.
        See, that was Charlie's plan: cut off the point, cut the middle of the column off from the rear, shoot up the rear and finish off the center whenever they wanted. Naturally the Captain, the First Sergeant, the RTO and the machine gunner were taken out first.
        Me? I was about four people behind the Captain and saw him go down with what seemed to be about a hundred bullets in him. It was a quick look, too, 'cause I was trying at the same time to dig a really, really deep hole to get into and pull over me.
        Then the mortars started on us and I felt something tear my legs up and rip my helmet off my head.
        I was shooting back, of course. Everyone still able to was shooting back. But we had been there for a while and nobody had any delusions about our chances. We were in it really, really deep, and it wasn't a hole!   There was little chance that we were going to get out of this alive, and we knew it.
        I remember that I noticed that the radio was still working, and I remember that I thought that somebody had better call for help. I was closest, so it was up to me, and I crawled to it, pulling myself along by my elbows -- my legs weren't working very well at all right then.
        Then a piece of metal hit my head and the next thing I knew I was in the hospital back at Quai Nhon.
        The Colonel came in about a day later and told me that I'd saved the patrol and possibly LZ Furrow, where the 156th was headquartered, and that I was in for a medal.
        Well, I asked him what I'd done and he told me. It seems that I had called in one of the pre-planned artillery barrages that Captain Walters had arranged for before the patrol. It was just the right one, too, for it had messed up Charlie's troops bad while it had saved our skins from being cut to shreds.
        In fact, the Colonel had wanted me to get the Medal of Honor, but there weren't enough witnesses.
        I told him that I hadn't done anything of the sort.
        I guess I got kind of wild about it, too, 'cause he said quietly that I was to come to see him when I out of the hospital and he left and a medic came in then and gave me a shot and that was all I knew for a while.
        Anyway, time went on and I was going to be transferred to a hospital in Japan. I asked the Doctor if I could go see the Colonel before I left, 'cause the Colonel had asked me to, and he said it was okay. So I did.
        The Colonel didn't make me salute or stand at attention. Shucks, I probably couldn't have done it if I had to. Instead he pulled up a chair and told the Sergeant Major to get me a beer -- a cold beer -- and that I could smoke if I wanted to and would I like one of his cigarettes?
        I told him that I'd recently given up the habit and he chuckled. Then he told me that I really was a hero and I disagreed again. And then he told me that he could prove it, because he had taped the radio traffic and he had me on tape. And he played it for me.
        It was a weird, really weird experience. I could hear the "Whump!" of the mortars hitting and the shots and the yelling and all, just like it had been. And then there was the sound of the microphone being fumbled with and then, really, really faintly, just on the edge of hearing, I heard
        "Stone Eight Six, Stone Eight Six, Stone Three One . . . our Six is down . . . Top too . . . it's bad . . . we need . . . arty . . . fire Mike Mike Two Three . . . hurt bad . . .
Mike Mike Two Three . . . fire it now . . . tell Momsy I love her . . . ."
        "You see?" said the Colonel. "Concentration MM23 was preplanned fire. You were found with the microphone in your hand. You were badly hurt. Obviously, although you don't remember it, you called Stone Eight Six -- we here at HQ -- and used your radio call sign, Stone Three One. You asked for the supporting fire, we could hear the problem, and we delivered. Son, because of your actions only five were killed and twelve wounded -- and you were the worst! Basically, your actions saved your company. You deserve a lot more than a Silver Star and the thanks of everyone involved!"
        I couldn't say anything. You see, I couldn't tell him that I had no idea of what the preplanned fires had been because Captain Walters never had told us. And I really could not tell the Colonel that I never, ever called my mother "Momsy" -- but that Charlie Edelson always had, and that it was his voice on the tape.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Eiseley
Date: 05 May 10 - 08:29 PM

Rapaire once had a deluded red-headed man accost him in his office and talk to him for what seemed like hours. When the man finally left, he gave Rap a holy painting. I saw it, and wanted it, and took it from his office when he was in Ireland. But, even though Amos says Rap's brain is divine, I don't want to add to its sanctity by returning the holy work of art.

Can I keep it?

Eiseley

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 05 May 10 - 08:08 PM

Oh, dear. I hope this unaccustomed dose of praise has not rotted his divine brain.


A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 May 10 - 07:24 PM

I can do better, bwahahahahaha!

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 05 May 10 - 11:47 AM

MOM gone through an entire box of Kleenex reading that last post of Rap's.