BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 06 Dec 06 - 06:18 PM

Count on Sharp-Eyed Stilly to smoke the dastard out! :D


A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 06 Dec 06 - 05:21 PM

(Leo thought he'd just slip that in. . . )

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 06 Dec 06 - 03:13 PM

there's two signed copies at the Unseen Univeristy Library. But one has been rebound in banana peel.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Dec 06 - 02:53 PM

Yes, but I've READ those letters and "ISP" in this case meant "Inverness Scottish Prostitute." And those letters -- WOWEE!! They were printed on special asbestos paper! I mean, they were hot stuff for ANY time period! And the only copies currently in existence reside in the Extremely Private Collection of the Vatican Library, in the Locked and Relocked Cases of the British Museum, and in the Rare Book Room of Arkham University.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 06 Dec 06 - 02:00 PM

D.C. Parthwaite Holmes was a true visionary; His 1909 collection of "letters to an ISP" was phenomenal.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 06 Dec 06 - 01:29 PM

Ah, woe, how the mighty towers of BS have fallen, lower than ill-fated Ilium. In fact, MM is painting pictures of BEING Ilium! All over a carium.

In days of yore, when folks were bored
And tired of confessing,
Or lighting farts,
They'd vent their hearts
By creatively BSing

But now those folks
Are history's kine
ALthough they still inspire us.
But if they ran
This thread today
'Tis certain, they would fire us!

The gifts they left
Were godly fare,
For gulping, not for nibbling!
What sad decline,
These petty airs
And mild semantic quibbling!

Give o'er, you men
And women fair
Of BS, make thy mastery!
Let not the mediocre rule!
Nor cognitive pederasty!

Step up and speak,
Your arts perform!
Give to the world a lesson!
And show them art
Is still alive
In the Halls of Grand BS'in'.

Dropwirth Condolencias Parthwaite Holmes
General Contractor and Fine Finish Plastering a Specialty, Inc.
Aberdeen, 1911

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 06 Dec 06 - 12:48 PM

it is if you barf out the window all over a car. Then you've been car-sick.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Dec 06 - 12:39 PM

It is simply NOT POSSIBLE to get car sick on a bus!

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 06 Dec 06 - 12:32 PM

wanna bet? take away my window seat and I'm noit liable for the consequences!

They said I couldn'ty faint lying down, either, until I did it in the Doctor's office.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Dec 06 - 12:28 PM

Well, if you use the bus you can't GET carsick.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 06 Dec 06 - 12:02 PM

If you get carsick, then stop eating the cars. When the doctors said up you iron intake, they meant five pound prime steaks, with proper beer...

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 06 Dec 06 - 11:01 AM

But I really *NEED* to sit by the window. You *KNOW* I get carsick!!!

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Dec 06 - 11:00 AM

"All of you! Quiet down and take the bus!" -- Mom

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 06 Dec 06 - 10:29 AM

"Just don't drive like my brother!" Rapaire.
"Yeah, well, don't drive like MY brother." Amos
"Hell, don't drive like EITHER of my brothers." Stilly
"Hell, don't even get into a car that has any of my siblings in it..." MMario
"MOABites and driving don't mix, and that's final." Bunnhabain

A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 06 Dec 06 - 09:39 AM

Ebbie, that solicitation is along the lines of the pitch that Click and Clack do on their Car Talk program when it comes to sending in answers to the Puzzler. If you get my drift. . .

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Dec 06 - 09:02 AM

Ebbie, Mom loves us all. She is aware of Little Hawk's predilection for British aristocracy and Canadian low-lifes, of Amos's,ah, unsavory habits, of Bee-Dubya-Ell's Highland nanopipes, of my perfection. And she forgives us all. She is even aware of Khandu's defection and Tweed's thing about lizards, and she understands. She might not approve, but she understands.

And all she asks in return is enough love to keep her afloat. And speaking of that, if you'll PM me I'll be happy to give you the information about where to send the money for dear MOAB's upkeep. LOTS of money. I keep it in trust for her and invest it wisely in venture capital projects, dot-com startups, and aged liquors.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ebbie
Date: 06 Dec 06 - 12:11 AM

Well, you see, MMario, this family is big- don't know how many members it has because I keep running into new ones all the time- and there is always somebody going in or leaving whenever I look. They're noisy too, but sometimes their repartee is funny and makes me chuckle in the night. Other times they make my jaw drop. All in all, though, they are entertaining. Just hope Mom thinks so.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 05 Dec 06 - 11:55 PM

Is that the old yak known far and wide as Yakkidy? The one who learned to speak? Most amazing thing. 'Course all he ever learned to say was, "Don't talk back!". But he had this really deep voice.


A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 05 Dec 06 - 11:06 PM

No, I'm certain it's old! All you do lately is yak yak yak. . .

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Dec 06 - 10:47 PM

Oh no! I just got the yak today.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 05 Dec 06 - 10:22 PM

I believe you've served up this meal before, Rapaire.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Dec 06 - 09:49 PM

Ah, Mom. No one seems to care but me. Here's some dinner -- freshly made biscuits, real butter, braised yak in a Guinness sauce, glazed carrots and parsnips a l'orange, garlic potatoes, and for dessert, a lovely angelica mousse followed by apples, walnuts and stilton with a nice port. I think that this beaujolais will be a great accompaniment to the entree, too. Of course, there's freshly ground and made Jamaica Blue Mountain coffee, demarra sugar, and heavy cream if you'd like it.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Dec 06 - 03:08 PM

Oh, that reminds me of this, which was written about me back in my college days:

    With hym ther was dwellynge a poure scoler,
        Hadde lerned art, but al his fantasye
        Was turned for to lerne astrologye,
        And koude a certeyn of conclusiouns,
        To demen by interrogaciouns,
        If that men asked hym in certain houres
        Whan that men sholde have droghte or elles shoures,
        Or if men asked hym what sholde bifalle
       Of every thyng; I may nat rekene hem alle.
              This clerk was cleped hende Nicholas.
        Of deerne love he koude and of solas;
        And therto he was sleigh and ful privee,
        And lyk a mayden meke for to see.
        A chambre hadde he in that hostelrye
        Allone, withouten any compaignye,
        Ful fetisly ydight with herbes swoote;
        And he hymself as sweete as is the roote
        Of lycorys, or any cetewale.
        His Almageste, and bookes grete and smale,
        His astrelabie, longynge for his art,
        His augrym stones layen faire apart,
        On shelves couched at his beddes heed;
        His presse ycovered with a faldyng reed
        And al above ther lay a gay sautrie,
        On which he made a-nyghtes melodie
        So swetely that all the chambre rong;
        And Angelus ad virginem he song;
        And after that he song the Kynges Noote.
        Ful often blessed was his myrie throte.
        And thus this sweete clerk his tyme spente
        After his freendes fyndyng and his rente.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 05 Dec 06 - 01:32 PM

Why Ebbie - whoever can you be referring to?

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ebbie
Date: 05 Dec 06 - 01:28 PM

Whew. Sounds to me like Mom has a bunch of unruly kids. Kinda like that family down the road.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 05 Dec 06 - 12:11 PM

Well, it sailed into the DT, which must have been a fair feat of navigation, but seems to have had some verses scraped off on the way past. This is a relief for those with sensitive ears...

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Dec 06 - 10:27 AM

'Twasnt' me that did it! I don't even know those songs.

Would that the HMS Venus which was completed in 1897 and broken up in 1921, or the one broken up in 1972?

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 05 Dec 06 - 09:37 AM

Bunn, Mom said to ignore him and he'll stop doing it a lot faster than if we complain about it.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 05 Dec 06 - 09:10 AM

sounds like Micca.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 05 Dec 06 - 08:39 AM

At least those songs already exist. A wonderful person, who will be hunted down, hung, drawn, quarted and sentenced to join the legion, has given my better half the idea of writing words to the white heather jig, the black bear, and various other tunes we know backwards. This is a person, who picked the good ship venus as a nice and easy little song to teach to forigners...

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Dec 06 - 08:22 AM

Okay, okay. I'll sing this instead:

"Please Daddy don't get drunk this Christmas
I don't want to see my Momma cry
Please Daddy don't get drunk this Christmas
I don't want my Momma cry

Just last year when I was only seven
Now I'm almost eight, as you can see
You came home a quarter past eleven
And fell down underneath
our Christmas tree

"Please Daddy don't get drunk this Christmas
I don't want to see my Momma cry
Please Daddy don't get drunk this Christmas

"Please Daddy don't get drunk this Christmas
I don't want to see my Momma cry
Please Daddy don't get drunk this Christmas
I don't want my Momma cry

"Please Daddy don't get drunk this Christmas
I don't want to see my Momma cry
Please Daddy don't get drunk this Christmas
I don't want my Momma cry

I don't want my Momma cry

Mama smiled and looked
Outside the window
She told me son
You better go upstairs
Then you laughed and hollered "Merry Christmas"
I turned around and saw
My Momma's tears

Chorus
No,I don't want to see my Momma cry

And then I'm gonna sing:

Well you've all heard the story
About Rudolph and his nose
Well I'll tell you a Christmas tell
That never has been told
Well you may think you've heard it all
But you ain't heard nothin' yet
About that crazy Christmas
That the North Pole can't forget

Rudolph was under the weather
And had to call in sick
So he got on the horn
To his cousin Leroy
Who lived out in the sticks
He said Santa's really counting on me
And I hate to pass the buck
Leroy said Hey I'm on my way
And he jumped in his pick-up truck
When Leroy got to the North Pole
All the reindeer stiggered and laughed
They never seen a deer in overalls
And a John Deer tractor hat
Well Santa stepped in
And said just calm down
Cuz we all got a job to do
Like it or not Leroy's in charge
And he's gonna be leading you
And it was

Leroy The Redneck Reindeer
Hooked to the front of the sleigh
Delivering toys to all the good ol' boys
And girls along the way
He's just a down home party animal
Two Steppin all across the sky
He makes jingle bells with the rebel yell
And made history that night

Before that night was over
Leroy had changed there tune
He had them scootin a holf
On every single roof
By the light of a neon moon
Santa wrapped his bad with the dixie flag
He as having the time of his life
You could here him call
Merry Chistmas Y'all
And all of yall a goodnight
And it was

Leroy The Redneck Reindeer
Hooked to the front of the sleigh
Delivering toys to all the good ol' boys
And girls along the way
He's just a down home party animal
Two Steppin all across the sky
He makes jingle bells with the rebel yell
And made history that night

He makes Jingle Bells with the rebel yell
And made history that night

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 04 Dec 06 - 11:17 PM

Hey, Mom! Rapaire's singing That Song again. I thought you told him he had to take it out in the yard.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Dec 06 - 09:01 PM

This time of year gets me thinking about Christmases of the past. Like the year we all got sticks and mine lasted clear until March, when we had to burn it during the sudden cold snap on St. Patrick's Day just to stay warm. Or the year I got my first, ah, well, maybe that's not appropriate right now...oh, hell, my first piece of maple-glazed ham, and boy was it good! Then there was the Christmas right after Great-Aunt Masie died; and I mean RIGHT after -- we shellacked her, stood her up, and hung the ornaments on her. Saved us a good five bucks, easy, for a Christmas tree. But what I remember best is the family gathered around the old upright piano with my mother playing, me on my trumpet, my brother Tony on his trombone, brother Ted playing saxophone, and my sister on flute, as we all raised out voices in our family's favorite Christmas song:


CHORUS:
Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

She'd been drinkin' too much egg nog,
And we'd begged her not to go.
But she'd left her medication,
So she stumbled out the door into the snow.
When they found her Christmas mornin',
At the scene of the attack.
There were hoof prints on her forehead,
And incriminatin' Claus marks on her back.

CHORUS

Now were all so proud of Grandpa,
He's been takin' this so well.
See him in there watchin' football,
Drinkin' beer and playin' cards with cousin Belle.
It's not Christmas without Grandma.
All the family's dressed in black.
And we just can't help but wonder:
Should we open up her gifts or send them back?

CHORUS

Now the goose is on the table
And the pudding made of fig.
And a blue and silver candle,
That would just have matched the hair in Grandma's wig.
I've warned all my friends and neighbours.
"Better watch out for yourselves."
They should never give a license,
To a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves.

CHORUS

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Dec 06 - 01:28 PM

Ya think I want Opus Dei, the Taliban, the Dark Angels, and whoever the Quakers use as a hit squad after me? Eternal Salvation without paying? What are you, some kinda Commie? Or even worse, an Existentialist? Eternal Salvation (or ES, as we call it in the trade) is worth what you pay for it, like anything else. So keep those donations rolling in, and forget about that widow and her mite.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 04 Dec 06 - 11:54 AM

Rapaire:

Why no interest in Eternal Salvation? I mean, I could raise a few objections, like why it takes so long. But maybe the phrase has been misunderstood and it is really a short burst of salvation-beams that then last in their effect forever. Now, I dunno whether it is a one-shot process for all eternity, or a process that runs eternally, but wither way I would like to know how it works. Unfortunately, when the average amateur proselytizer comes to the door he doesn't understand his own parts list, so he can't explain the process. He invokes sub-systems labeled "Pure FM" and "Insert miracle here". While this definitely wualifies for innovative design, it is un patentable because it fails the "enabling" test.

I think what the world really needs now is a salvation process that is not faith-based. That would sell like hotcakes, doncha think?

A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 04 Dec 06 - 11:44 AM

And if you set the controls to go into the past as far as possible, sixty minutes later you would be a Republican.

I really hate Mondays, Mom, I got up at 5:00 this morning, as I usually do on "work" days, and went to my office to do "work". I am really ambiguouos about the whole idea, though. For one thing it is so hard to wake up. I dozed off several times just while warming up. On the weekend I can be really lazy and sleep until seven, which feels so luxurious. But what I want to know is, should I really be buying inot this "work " thing? Shouldn't I be doing something so inspiring and enjoyable that there is no way it could be called work? And yet make money for doing it? Wouldn't that be better? Do you believe there is such a place, Mom? Where work is play and no-one has to fall asleep over their terminal?


What do you think?


A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Dec 06 - 11:25 AM

I created a Time Machine once. If you got in and set the controls to go an hour into the future, just sixty minutes later you'd be there!

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 04 Dec 06 - 11:22 AM

I don't worry about time travel, I just cross my fingers that I can manage swift and safe Interstate Highway travel. Moonglow is putting a lot of miles on my pickup with these trips to campus twice every weekend.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Dec 06 - 11:22 AM

Up, Mom, up! Like you always say, "It's better on top!"

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 04 Dec 06 - 08:51 AM

it was cold this weekend. not bitter cold, but Christmassy cold. which is good because we were celebrating Christmas all weekend in 1842.

This whole time travel thing was much easier 10 years ago. Even 5 years ago.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Dec 06 - 08:43 AM

Apart from politicians (one of whom actually wrote and thanked me for speaking with his parents!), the only people who came selling were a couple Mormon missionaries. They were told we weren't interested in Eternal Salvation and nobody's been back since.

Maybe that has to do with the electric fence, razor wire, punji sticks, fougasse , and land mines with which I have surrounded the property. I dunno. The doormat says "Welcome!"

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 04 Dec 06 - 12:50 AM

I don't have a c[s]eller. That's why I just kick them out of the yard.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Dec 06 - 09:21 PM

We have a sign that directs door-to-door purveyors to the door to the basement. We call it the "seller door."

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 03 Dec 06 - 08:11 PM

That's a deep proposition. I'll get back to you on it, okay?

C'mon, Maw!! Up the stairs we go...


A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Dec 06 - 05:52 PM

If you come visiting, you can sleep in a basement...heh heh.


























We don't have very MANY roaches...the rats eat them too quickly!

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Dec 06 - 05:11 PM

What a kind gesture! I'm so sorry I ruined your wonderful gift. I guess it's just my suspicious mind, poisoned by so many years watching the politics of Washington, that led me to Jump To Conclusions which were baseless, tasteless, and completely unwarranted. I'm sorry, and ask that you accept my personal abasement as an apology.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 03 Dec 06 - 03:46 PM

I guess I underestimated your body mass, there, Mike. I coulda sworn the vino you put away would have kept you out cold for another thirteen and one-half minutes. That Cap'n is an old friend, but he'll be wanting his fifty dollars back now. And it coming Christmas and all!! Why couldn't you have just stayed on board another half-hour?? You coulda gotten to see Singapore and the waterfront of Kuala Lumpur for nothin', man!!

A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Dec 06 - 03:16 PM

On a lesser note, they finally got the Legion Hovel shoveled free. For some time the thought was to "let them drunks in there with all the cold drinks they have" but when it was discovered that Midnight Charlie still owed the Mayor a hundred bucks from the poker game they were both busted at the Mayor got the fire department to melt the stuff off the Hovel with boiling water.

Worked like a charm, and all was well. Those trapped inside fell into the arms of their loved ones, some of whom were actual spouses and most of whom were bipedal and kissin' and huggin' and pocket pickin' prevailed. But one who never came out was Midnight Charlie.

The Hovel was thoroughly searched, high and sober, and ol' Charlie was nowhere to be found. They even dug up the basement again, just in case, and found two more bodies but since neither was Charlie's they covered 'em back up.

Well, just as the boiling water had cooled again to the point where it was almost frozen, who should come stumbling and sliding along but Midnight Charlie his own self, looking to cadge a bottle or three at the Hovel! Seems he'd been spending more time than he should have with Nightmare Nancy in one of the "fantasy rooms" at the Thunderboid Notell (it was named for the proprietor's favorite wine) and Nancy had thrown him out when she found that all he had in in wallet was dust, lint, and cracker crumbs. Being thirsty, MC headed over to the Hovel and the rest was more of less history.

Charlie slipped, ya see, and slid on his butt down High Mt. Low, all 3,761 feet of it, from the Hovel (which is on to of the mountain) until his descent was stopped by a sudden plunge over the Cliffs O' Death (three feet high) and into the Mighty Portneuf River. He was roundly cussed out by Hank White, who was trying to catch a few crappie for dinner, and left to try to walk back to his box behind Murray's Bar and rillG.

Don't worry about Midnight Charlie. He'll be okay. He's got so much alcohol in his blood that his freezing point's right around -40 F.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Dec 06 - 01:47 PM

Then why did I come to on a tramp freighter, managing to jump ashore only seconds before it shoved off and after seeing the Captain give you fifty bucks "for another deckhand, even if he's a poor 'un"?

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 03 Dec 06 - 12:05 PM

Your shoes now fit the poor, your watch fetched $10.00 and the Kearney Pawn, and you wallet was empty when I found it under the back hedge. What were you doing back there, practicing to mudlark?


A