BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 12 Jul 07 - 12:25 PM

The quote is from David Diamond, not BB his own seff.

A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 12 Jul 07 - 11:56 AM

I think he's saying Dave Diamond wrote it.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: JennyO
Date: 12 Jul 07 - 11:55 AM

Bruce, are you saying that you wrote this?

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: beardedbruce
Date: 12 Jul 07 - 11:00 AM

From the David Diamond Song Book:

"THE TEA SHANTEY

I dreamed I had a cup of tea,
Tea-bags, tea bags away my John!
The way that cuppas used to be
Tea-bags away!

Go lass, and put the kettle on.
Tea-bags, tea-bags away my John!
Don't let the water boil too long.
Tea-bags away!

And don't forget to warm the pot,
Tea-bags, tea-bags away my John!
I won't drink tea if its not hot.
Tea-bags away!

The tea we had when I was young
Tea-bags, tea-bags away my John!
Was twice as good, three times as strong.
Tea-bags away!

Now pour the tea, but what is this?
Tea-bags, tea-bags away my John!
You call this tea? It tastes like ....
Tea-bags away!

The painful moral now is clear;
Tea-bags, tea-bags away my John!
Shun tea in bags and turn to beer.
Tea-bags away!


(To the tune of "Lowlands Away". The first line came to me while throwing tea bags away in approximately 1983. It is credibly reported that this song won third prize in a sea shantey contest at a Hull Sea Song Festival.)"

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: JennyO
Date: 12 Jul 07 - 10:51 AM

Want a lift, Mom? Now that those nasty spammers have gone, we'll put you back up on top!

I'm just making a pot of tea. Would you like a cuppa? There's a little home-made apple pie left too. And icecream!

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 12 Jul 07 - 01:26 AM

☺

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 12 Jul 07 - 12:24 AM

Come on, man! Where do you think the Speziale Illuminati Azuli got its name?? These days, you K-Mart shoppers know it as a Blue Light Special...but it was once similarly known only to the Illuminati.


A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Jul 07 - 09:37 PM

They...know about the Price Club? I thought that was one of the Illuminati's best kept secrets.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 Jul 07 - 09:22 PM

Except they found the bloodied scourge you had tucked under the Price Club boxes in the trash. So now they have DNA. It is only a matter of time, old friend. Make the most of it.


A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Jul 07 - 08:57 PM

I'm okay now. My sins are expiated, purged, absolved, and my soul is again as white as that of a newly-baptized babe in its mother's arms. God and my wife have forgiven me and I see no reason to bring it up. I have no plans to resign. Besides, I got an alibi and I wasn't in town anyway.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 Jul 07 - 08:39 PM

If you think, as you say, that it is unheard of, that may be because you were just not listening very hard.

But penance cleanses a multitude of sins, so perhaps the right ones will get swept up in the flood.

Good luck with that!


A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Jul 07 - 06:43 PM

My back is raw and bloody from self-flagellation. My head is covered with ashes, and I have changed into sackcloth. I shall go forth now to atone for my error, slight though it was in the grand scheme of things, and beg forgiveness from all I meet. Perhaps too they will give me a good kick, or spit on me, or do some disgusting thing to me to help my penance along. Or I might simply go to work tomorrow.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Jul 07 - 05:46 PM

I was in error! Me! In error! It is totally unheard of! Here is the correct version:

If all be true that I do think
There are five reasons why we drink:
Good wine, good friends, or being dry,
Or lest we should be by-and-by,
Or any other reason why.

I am shamed, shamed by my own hand. I'd jump out the window to my death except I'm on the first floor and I'd probably just sprain an ankle.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Jul 07 - 05:12 PM

If all be true that I do think
There are four reasons why we drink:
Good friends, good wine, or being dry,
Or any other reason why.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 11 Jul 07 - 11:39 AM

In urban areas - that would have been just about everywhere until the mid to late 19th century.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: JennyO
Date: 11 Jul 07 - 11:36 AM

Thank you for that, Rapaire. I knew I must have been doing something right. I can now pour that second glass of wine with a clear conscience :-)

Seriously though, there are some places in the world, and there have been times through history when it actually was healthier to drink alcohol than the local water.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 11 Jul 07 - 10:59 AM

Old Noah the drinking of water decried
For he knew that by drinking all man should die.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Jul 07 - 10:57 AM

This is important and relates to the health of everyone on Mudcat, not just Mom's Kids. A friend sent this to me, and since her husband works at Argonne National Lab you can believe that it's accurate:

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of crap. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: beardedbruce
Date: 11 Jul 07 - 09:50 AM

$5 even!

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 Jul 07 - 09:49 AM

And what's a PEntecost?


A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: beardedbruce
Date: 11 Jul 07 - 09:04 AM

8-{E


Feed me a stright line, and I'll take a byte!

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: JennyO
Date: 11 Jul 07 - 09:03 AM

BOOM BOOM!

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: beardedbruce
Date: 11 Jul 07 - 09:02 AM

$3.29 on sale

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: JennyO
Date: 11 Jul 07 - 09:01 AM

And what's a piecost?

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 11 Jul 07 - 08:56 AM

Reminds me of a song written by a friend, for which three lines of the chorus were
"For what Price Peace?"

Which of course sounds like "For What Price Peas"

He cracked up one day while singing it - and admitted he had a hard time getting through the chorus without commenting "$1.29 in the frozen foods"

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: beardedbruce
Date: 11 Jul 07 - 08:53 AM

What was that about Whirled Peas?

better than Eunuchs under sea, I guess.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Jul 07 - 08:49 AM

Yes, it does. And for other things as well. Say, for example, you just want a "drop of tea." This handy-dandy little table (and the formula you can derive from it) will let you find immediately how much that drop is. It gives a new meaning to "let's just nip in for a drop" as well as to the phrases "a drop of the cure," "at the drop of a hat," and "drop in anytime." You will see a whole new world opening up as you decide to drop a subject or a discussion or even someone from your holiday mailing list.

In fact, this little table may hold the entire key to the World Peace.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: JennyO
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 11:15 PM

Does this work for curtains? If I want an 8 ft drop, do I have to put 14 stones in them? Might make them a bit heavy when I pull them back. Lumpy too. Not one or two, but fourteen.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 11:05 PM

Now, here's a little bit of info you don't find around every day. But you never know when you might need this data. This is the table used by British hangmen to determine the "long drop"; a strong, thick rope is assumed.

Hanging drop (assuming thick strong rope):

Weight                                 Drop

14 stone (196 lbs.)                   8 ft. 0 in.
13 1/2 stone (189 lbs.)                8 ft. 2 in.
13 stone (182 lbs.)                   8 ft. 4 in.
12 1/2 stone (175 lbs.)                8 ft. 6 in.
12 stone (168 lbs.)                   8 ft. 8 in.
11 1/2 stone (161 lbs.)                8 ft. 10 in.
11 stone (154 lbs.)                   9 ft. 0 in.
10 1/2 stone (147 lbs.)                9 ft. 2 in.
10 stone (140 lbs.)                   9 ft. 4 in.
9 1/2 stone (133 lbs.)                9 ft. 6 in.
9 stone (126 lbs.)                     9 ft. 8 in.
8 1/2 stone (119 lbs.)                9 ft. 10 in.
8 stone (112 lbs.)                     10 ft. 0 in

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 03:45 PM

It probably slipped off his his mother's refridgerator larder and was hidden under a cabinet all of this time. Lucky you! Now let's see you sell it on eBay.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 12:40 PM

There is one additional legible line below the smear, which reads, "Bye W. Shxper, age 12 -- Milady Rodmanners' Thirde Year Classe"

A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 12:31 PM

I see you got ahold of a final draft of his "Romeo - the early years"

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 12:29 PM

Mercutio: Come sir, we must do away with all these broadsides.

Benvolio: What, cuz? The broad sides of the barns?

MErcutio: There is no hit there, good cuz.

Benvolio: Then, sir, the sides of all the broads? And what of the mewling infants whom wouldst deprive thereby?

Mercutio: The side of a broad is a better home than any broadsided barn.

Benvolio: Aye, but no barn gives out a bairn, and every broadsided broad will do at the drop of a ball.

MErcutio: Drop your balls, not, cuz, but leave your bales for the barn.

Benvolio: Ah, sir, 'twas a baleful riposte. It will undo my wires all.

Mercutio: Better than your own undoing of many a broad's wires, thou deft varlet.

(The balance of this page is obscured by an unidentifiable thick brown smear...)


A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 12:26 PM

Do you mean Willy the Shakes when you say "the Bard"? If so, the skinflint **charges** for his trash! and cuts each sheet in 8ths! (the ink he uses runs, anyway)

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 12:14 PM

Broadsides? I wouldn't think they'd be much wanted. Cannonballs flying all over, grapeshot, masts and rigging falling....

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 12:13 PM

To think the immortal pennings of the Bard, the first draft rich with crossed out brilliance, could end up serving such a sorry secondary purpose!! I weep.


A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 12:03 PM

About those broadsides, the reason they are in high demand? Well, let us just say they are softer then leaves.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 12:01 PM

I think I know where he reincarnated this time.


A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 11:27 AM

Marlowe! My god, the man can DRINK! And He is hysterically funnny.

but he does tend to blather on about himself.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 11:23 AM

One boulder? Or two?

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 11:22 AM

I'll settle for the stuff that ended up in the trash of Bill Shakespeare, Chris Marlowe, and their acquaintances and friends. Just the trash, just the trash....

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 11:21 AM

Bring back a few British broadsides next time, MMario. If you can find any--they were in high demand, but I understand pedlars could be found to be distributing them. Roll them, don't fold them. Thanks!

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: beardedbruce
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 11:15 AM

MMario, MMario...

There is quite a difference between the crass comercial Ode and the sweet dulcet tones of the heartfelt Sonnet.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: beardedbruce
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 11:13 AM

A small fund, with the mandate to buy first editions would be adaquate. They could spend the surplus ( over the years) to finance a few of the people who died young due to lack of money. Say, a good doctor for Keats.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 11:09 AM

The sonnet business is pretty cut-throat. And they don't command that big a price - too many would be poets running around trying to cadge drinks.

Though I wish I'd gotten the text of one this weekend - he called it "Clap for my Sister; An Ode to Clymidia"

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 11:04 AM

Just have him invest the money for you, Bruce. Maybe buy a few acres on Manhattan, or even just outside then-London, and place them in perpetual trust for you. Maybe add a strongbox of mint-condition gold coins, manuscripts from the time, priceless stuff like that. When you come to collect, you'll be set for life.


A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: beardedbruce
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 10:30 AM

MMario,

If I send you my sonnets, and you took them back to 1585, you could spread them around BEFORE Shakespeare even wrote his! They actually paid money for poetry back then- I see a chance to turn a hobby into income!

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 10:23 AM

Hello again Mom!

y'know, time travel was a lot easaier 16 years ago. Even 10 years ago.


these days I find the round trip a bit exhausting. But I made it to 1585 and back. I'm not sure all my brain cells did, so If gluon shows up with one or two, see if you can get her to bring them to me, allright?

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: JennyO
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 10:11 AM

I had home-made apple pie for dissert tonight. It was just.....wonderful!

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 10 Jul 07 - 10:08 AM

Stop maundering, faire friende. Dissert on something, it would only be just.


A