BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 May 08 - 05:51 PM

Rapaire is to a Humorist
With his mindless, sadistical twist
As a thespian might dare
To an an actor compare
Fat Shatner; or to bourbon, horse piss.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 May 08 - 04:57 PM

Envy ill becomes you, too, LH.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 11 May 08 - 04:54 PM

You are to humor what Shane is to bodily functions, Rapaire...

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 May 08 - 04:53 PM

Harry and Roy worked for the Manhattan Project. As is well-known, the Project really had no idea of what would work and so funded and supported research in many areas. Harry and Roy wear working on a circular radio wave.

They had worked for three years, researching many different directions. Finally, Roy yelled, "Eureka!" Harry rushed over to Roy.

"I've done it!" yelled Roy. "Here it is! A diagram of a circular radio wave!"

Harry took one look at it an exclaimed, "You fool! That's nothing but a naught, a nothing! Here's what I think of your diagram!"

And he rolled the sheet of paper into a tight tube and ran it through the pencil sharpener, which due to budget restrictions had no pencil-shavings-catcher on it. The crumbs of Roy's work fell to the floor.

Immediately, the two scientists were surrounded by a large group of janitors, all of whom criticized their unsavory habit of littering.

This was immediately followed by brilliant flash of light and heat, a huge explosion, and a mushroom-shaped cloud of dust, dirt, and debris, because that's what always happens when you get a critical mass at ground zero.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 May 08 - 04:15 PM

I knew there was something shady about you. You're secretly a manufacturer and distributor of Witticisms of Mental Destruction. This is worse than I feared.

I am in a serious ethical quandary -- the fate of the western world on one hand, and my loyalty to my MOAB sibs on the other...



A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 May 08 - 02:57 PM

The great Arab-Israeli Peace Conference, the final hope for a lasting peace in the Middle East, was going very well. And the person who finally brought it all together, who created a view upon which all could agree, was a Bey from a nomadic tribe who had been summoned simply because of the position he held. The world stood in awe of this simple man.

The parties recessed for a lunch just before the historic document would be signed. And the Bey who had brought the disparate waters together went outside (accompanied by his bodyguard, of course) for a bit of fresh air.

There was a street carnival going on and the Bey, who had never seen one before, was entranced by the carousel and its animals. Finally, he commanded his bodyguard to buy him a ride, all by himself, and for half an hour the Bey rode around and around and up and down on a carousel horse.

Finally the carousel slowed and he staggered off and started to make his way back to the Legation for the signing.

A shepherd chose this time to bring his flock to town, and the Bey staggered in the middle of the sheep. He stumbled and fell between three young sheep, and the second one ate him.

Aghast, the shepherd shouted, "Middle lamb! You've had a dizzy Bey!"

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 May 08 - 02:40 PM

I created that one. Would you like to enjoy one I did not?

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 May 08 - 02:38 PM

Oh, aye, that it does. But in this case, sir, you have misidentified a faint frisson of disgust for envy; mine feeling is of a different hue altogether.

A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 May 08 - 02:07 PM

Envy ill becomes you, Amos.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 May 08 - 01:08 PM

I am filing that right in between "People who live in grass houses shouldn't steal thrones" and "Never change streams in the middle of a horse", in the "Very Long Bad Jokes" file. Right next to "A rolling moose gathers no stones."

It is really pathetic. I mean, Pathos incarnate. I struggle against the impulse to send a withering blast of hot fire down upon you, the Legion Hall, and all the Pocatellians in the library, out of simple vengeance for such a bad joke.

Expect a copy of it to arrive in your email about eleven times in the next 48 hours.


A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 May 08 - 12:49 PM

I was up at the Legion Hovel last night and met a guy from Kansas. We don't allow many folks in since most of 'em just want to drink free beer, but since this guy had long ago been a member he was welcomed back in on the "Once a member always a member, except when we think otherwise" principle. He told me this story, and since it came from an ex-Legionaire it has to be true. Remember, some of it he experienced himself and other stuff he learned later.

Everybody know that Sandy Claus lives up at the North Pole. His real name is Alexander Claus and so everyone calls him "Sandy." What most people don't know is that he has an older brother, William, who folks call "Bill."

Now Sandy stands six-three in his stocking feet, and Bill is only four feet four inches. "Boy never grew much," their mother used to say. Anyway, Bill has always wanted to make the Christmas Deliveries, but he knew that his younger brother was, because of his size, the best one to control those eight tiny, but unbroken to harness, reindeer.

Every Christmas Ever Bill would help load the sleigh, harness up Dunder and Blitzen and the rest, and have a big hot buttered rum waiting for his brother when he returned.

Well, it seems that two Christmases back Sandy come down with chest pains. His Mrs. slammed him into the North Pole Elf Clinic faster'n you can say "Jack Robinson" and Sandy was moaning that it was Christmas Eve and the Deliveries had to be made by Sandy Claus! Obviously, it was a world-wide crisis in the making!

Mrs. Claus (whose first name is Fanny Belle) said, "So, let Bill do it. It's about time he did something around here anyway." Sandy just groaned and Bill was off!

The sleigh was loaded and ready to roll and the elves were all "So, who's gonna do it? Our union contract won't let us" when Bill Claus
saunters out of the house, dressed up in that red and white outfit that'd been hangin' in the closet for so long. Yeah, his boots looked a trifle too big, but you need to wear extra socks up there in the sleigh and nobody thought anything of it.

Into the sleigh he jumps, cracks the whip, and with Rudolph's nose flashing like an airplane beacon they were off across the sky!

Things went pretty good at first, but over the flat lands of Kansas Blitzen was spooked by a witch who was late for Hallowe'en and the next thing Bill knew the reindeer, sleigh, bag of toys and all were slammed into a snowdrift outside of the little town of Picklock, just barely missing hitting the Triple X ranch house!

Bill was pretty shook up, and when the rancher and his wife came out to see what had awakened them from their deep winter's sleep he was laying there bootless, bruised, groaning and cussing reindeer and witches impartially.

The rancher brought Bill inside and gave him a tot of whisky while the good ranch wife calmed the reindeer down, mended some of the harness, and in general got the sleigh straightened out.

After about a hour the rancher and Bill Claus stepped out on the porch and it was then that Bill realized that he didn't have boots or shoes. So the rancher lent him a pair that his son (who was away at college) had worn at the age of 10 or so. Cowboy boots, of course.

Bill thanked his hosts profusely, lined up the reindeer, and took off. And ever since the owners of the Triple X talk and sing about their little old shod Santy on the plains.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 May 08 - 11:33 AM

Yeah, but the next time I ate them (inadvertently) I was on a hunting trip. Nailed four pa'tridge, five deer, two ducks, and sixteen good-sized trout. I don't want to talk about the trout.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 May 08 - 11:24 AM

Tsk. Lose more damn britches that way.



A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 May 08 - 09:00 AM

Been there, tried that. They gave me wind upon the stomach, and when I bent over to pick up a fork I'd dropped I shot out two windows and killed the canary.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 May 08 - 01:38 AM

Rapaore:

Just to be bold, try inedible peas next time. Dibs watching...


A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 11 May 08 - 12:31 AM

The tooth is good to go! I can chew on that side and the molar doesn't ache. Yes!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 May 08 - 11:14 PM

I cooked dinner for one: coconut and lemongrass chicken over red quinona pilaf, with edible peas and other veggies. Quite tasty, too.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 10 May 08 - 08:41 PM

I get to cook dinner for one. Not bad, either. No one to say they don't want whatever it was I fixed!

I'm thinking about fixing some flautas this evening and giving the new crown a test. That tooth always used to hurt when I bit down on firm crunchy stuff like tortillas. Scoop up some of my homemade guacamole with them--mmmmmm! Salad on the side, nice glass of red wine. . .

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 10 May 08 - 07:05 PM

Oh, I knew that.

Anny Hoo (you ever meet Miss Hoo?) I must go begin to start preparations for intitiating the first steps f cooking dinner for six.

It will be fun.


A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 May 08 - 06:44 PM

I gotta admit that it was sent to me, that I didn't write it (although I wish I had). But I thought it was too good not to share with Mom.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 May 08 - 03:27 PM

Thanky kindly, Mr. A. Thanky kindly.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 10 May 08 - 01:04 PM

Oh, that is a fine story, Mister R. Fine. Has all the makin's of a world class tale. I can hear my old Kaintuck uncle intoning it with the loooong drawl in all the right places.


A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 May 08 - 11:28 AM

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.

1. A bible.

2. A silver dollar.

3. A bottle of whisky.

4. And a Playboy magazine.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself."When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be
a business man, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run for Congress."

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 May 08 - 11:14 AM

I believe I'll go out, get the mail, and go back to bed.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 10 May 08 - 11:07 AM

Welll, we all have to start somewhere. We all have to believe in something. I believe I will have another cup of coffee and relish the dawning of the weekend.

A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 May 08 - 08:20 PM

Come to think of it, if you don't have a brain you can't have a brain stem....

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 09 May 08 - 06:59 PM

That gives reptiles a bad rap, doesn't it?

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 May 08 - 06:53 PM

By the way, Bush HAS no grip on reality. The only reason he keeps breathing is because of his "reptilian brain stem."

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 May 08 - 05:38 PM

Fifteen to one he IS Voldemort.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 09 May 08 - 01:46 PM

Ya know, the brazen efferontery of Book Man really astonishes me; this is why I suspect he is a closet Republican. Observe the sequence, here. I offered a funny line about Baathists and bathrooms, asking him if it reflected his philosophy. TO which all he had to say was, "No."

So I pointed out that such a pedestrian, unimiaginative, uncreative, uncolorful, plain-jane-vanilla Lutheran sort of answer was really not up to our quality standards for MOAB-class BS.

Which is perfectly true, I am sure you will agree.

To which his reponse was that my grip on reality was slipping.

Now, hopw brazen can a man get -- how insensitively ideological -- to come into the last Great Hallowed Haven of Pure BS and make remarks about people's grip on reality? This is something Bush would do!!!

Has he no sense of context, no sensitivity to our Mission, the strain and burden it places on our tired souls? Has her no respect for our brilliant imaginations, our soaring creative fires, our keen turn of wit? What sort of a drudge, I must ask you, IS such a man?

And he dares...he DARES...to imply that I am a bean counter!!!

Ten to one he votes for Voldemort.

A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 09 May 08 - 01:06 PM

Amos, a bean-counter? Does he have the requisite checkered bow tie?

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 May 08 - 12:55 PM

I'm concerned that Amos's grasp of it is growing less and less. I would weep, WEEP I tell you!, to find him someday sitting on the floor counting beans.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 09 May 08 - 12:45 PM

One should always be careful when grasping reality; reality often has razor sharp edges. Many people find reality easier to handle when the edges have been softened, dulled, or blurred a bit.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 09 May 08 - 12:37 PM

I'm back in the present, MOM. I didn't go as far back as MMario does when he departs 2008, but I've been wallowing around the late 1990s and early 2000s as I sort and shred old bills and receipts and papers. I wish I could have filled up the truck gas tank in 2002 before heading home.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 May 08 - 12:36 PM

Ah, Amos, Amos. Your grasp of reality seems to be slipping day by day, if not hour by hour. If this keeps up you will find yourself an accountant or worse, a disappoint to your designers.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 09 May 08 - 12:03 PM

That's a side-splitting rejoinder, Ra[paire, worthy of the best BS yet seen in these hallowed halls....

N O T.

A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 May 08 - 11:53 AM

No, it's not.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 09 May 08 - 11:43 AM

So your philosophy, sir, is, "When in the bathroom, do as the Baathists do!"??


A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 May 08 - 11:40 AM

When in Rome, etc.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 09 May 08 - 10:24 AM

GOOD GOD NO! We do *NOT* need to know.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 09 May 08 - 09:42 AM

Why woud you dedicate a bathroom to that?


Enquiring minds etc.....


A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 May 08 - 08:32 AM

I misspelled it. It should be "youNEEDsex".

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 09 May 08 - 08:31 AM

I think it has a certain charm.

Even tough it sounds bent.

A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 08 May 08 - 11:27 PM

If you don't talk about it any more I think this idea will blow over.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 08 May 08 - 11:05 PM

Is kneesex some sort of new birth control mechanism? One the Republicans could finally get down with, so to speak?



A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 May 08 - 09:21 PM

Gonna have us youkneesex bathrooms.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 08 May 08 - 06:44 PM

23456

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 08 May 08 - 04:09 PM

true Amos, and also true that according to gramattical rules in English the masculine term is inclusive of both genders unless specified to be male only (which is not true of female terms)

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 May 08 - 04:04 PM

"homo spaiens of male gender" is a spayed or neutered male of genus "homo"?

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 08 May 08 - 03:51 PM

You gentlemen need to learn the very basic concept that one word can have more than one concept mapped to it.

For example, the word "man" has several:

1. A member of species homo sapiens
2. A member of species homo spaiens of male gender.
3. A piece used in a game.
4. (V) To equip (as, an operation, a team, a military unit) with people.
5. An individual representative of a set of individuals. ("The once-surly crew pitched in to a man...")
6. An expletive used to emphasize or modulate a communication addressed to an individual. *("Get a grip on yourself, man!" he said to the fat lady who was too scared to sing.)

Yo will find my chosen and intended meaning somewhere in the list above, but if you guess wrong, it will cost you your larynx.


A