BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Feb 09 - 07:30 PM

THinking better of M. Hack is not an uncommon error, Rapaire. Why, I've made it myself!!

But anyway, I am glad you liked my little Spanish ditty to paper towels, Little Hawk.

A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Feb 09 - 09:53 PM

Amos, I showed you "little ditty" to my friend (and Library Board member) Sr. Guerra. He thought it quite possibly the filthiest, most obscene thing he'd ever read and is contacting the Mexican authorities to arrest and imprison you if you ever again cross the border into Mexico. He is considering contacting some gangsters in San Diego he knows to, in his words, "make [you] part of the Great Majority, but slowly, slowly."

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Feb 09 - 11:52 PM

I am truly honored, sir, to have so much unwanted attention sent in my direction.

Tell your friends they must first listen and watch the Ten Greatest You Tube Videos of all time. THEN they will understand. And, need I say, the Cancion de los Toallas de Papel is dedicated to Mom's Own Book Boy, Rapaire. For reasons that shall not be named.


A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 17 Feb 09 - 11:55 PM

Babelfish had a little trouble with it. This is what it says:

"Papele lives the towel! Hummed made fun of zumbai already! Papele lives the towel Hummed made fun of zumbai already! Fresh and spilled coffee! And Even puppy urine! Ai, my breast, ai, my breast! Drippings after sex! That they are useful for everything! Papele lives the towel! Hummed made fun of zumbai already!"

Puzzling.

My guess is that Amos intended to say:

Long live toilet paper! Long live toilet paper! Fresh and spilled coffee! Even dog urine! Oh, mama! Oh, mama! Drippings after sex! It's good for everything! Long live toilet paper!

The only part that totally baffles me and which I have no explanation for is "Hummed made fun of zumbai already!"...

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Feb 09 - 04:47 AM

It's colloquial.

That's why!


A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Feb 09 - 08:42 AM

See? Sr. Guerra was right! Everyone knows that "colloquial" means "dirty, filthy, obscene to the highest degree."

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 18 Feb 09 - 09:10 AM

Everyone knows that "colloquial" means "dirty, filthy, obscene to the highest degree

except when it means "quaint" - which is itself is obscene to the highest degree

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Feb 09 - 09:29 AM

Exactly! Like "They're erecting something quaint and colloquial." That means it'll be something obscene. Or "My, isn't that colloquial and quaint?", which means, of course, that the vice squad will have to close it down if they can stomach getting close enough to do so.

I got me a degree in English (lit) and I've studied linguistics (lit), so I know.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Feb 09 - 10:15 AM

You're referring to downtown Skaneateles, aren't you, MMario?

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 18 Feb 09 - 10:27 AM

Skaneateles ain't "quaint". Stuck up, hoity toity, self-aggrandizing, and bigoted. But not "quaint".

Quaint would be so common, Skaneateles would never be quaint.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Feb 09 - 11:28 AM

But it could well be colloquial.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Feb 09 - 02:38 PM

LOL! Oh, you are so right, Mario. They haven't changed at all in the past 40 years, I guess, have they?

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 18 Feb 09 - 03:07 PM

Last time I was in "downtown" Skaneateles it looked like a summer community for rich folks. And isn't there a big estate out by the water? I bought a krumkake iron in a gourmet shop, first place I'd seen one, and I probably paid too much, but I'd been wanting one for a long time. I still have it. I recall that it was a place that was quite proud of itself. My friend I used to visit there was married to a local, in the Fonda family. Same family as Henry.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 18 Feb 09 - 04:26 PM

From the Wikipedia article on Skaneateles:

In 2006 164 residential properties in the Town of Skaneateles were assessed at more than a million dollars, compared to only two such properties in all the rest of Onondaga County.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Feb 09 - 05:27 PM

Henry? The caster of seed that brought about the birth of that illegitimate boy, Hargrove, on a debauched and drunken lost weekend in Skaneateles? Of course, it wasn't Henry's fault. No one warned him of the intoxicating potency of thos eimported liqueurs...

When the young boy asked his mother, the local waitress, where he had come from, she sighed and replied, "Absinthe made thee, Hargrove Fonda.".

But I have told this tale before, have I not?

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 18 Feb 09 - 06:30 PM

At least once. Amazing how often a bad bun is applicable, no?

I've been going through the Adobe tutorials today. Add a stiff neck (no new glasses yet--sometime next week) to eye strain and I need to go walk the dogs or weed the garden, move around for a while. Ugg.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Feb 09 - 07:12 PM

Gee, I had an MRI of my left shoulder.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Feb 09 - 07:24 PM

The Judge looked into his left shoulder,
He said "My joint looks sorry."
He said "The tendons are worn thin,
From fencing with yon Geordie."


A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Feb 09 - 07:34 PM

The MRI was really rough
Peeking at the rotator cuff
Laying there was total drudgery
To see if I'll need shoulder surgery.
If I don't, suffice to say
I will have to have PT some day.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 18 Feb 09 - 07:43 PM

Yeah, I know it's a day late and a dollar short, but I've been busy and haven't had time to compose until now my....

Ode to the Paper Towel

Hail to thee, oh paper towel
Absorber of spills most foul
Viva, Bounty, Brawny, Scott
Wiper up of splooge and snot
Cheapies from the Dollar Store
Removeth cat puke from the floor
Oh dear towel, so revered
Cleans Alfredo from my beard
And never shunneth blood nor spit
Nor little turds of poodle shit

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Feb 09 - 07:47 PM

Shouldn't that last line be:

...And little pools of turtle shit.

??????????

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 18 Feb 09 - 08:41 PM

Do we need a knockoff of your famous spatula thread?

BS: How many types of paper towels do you use?

I like those ½ size sheets since I tend to tear the full-sized ones into pieces. Mostly I don't use paper towels, I use cheap terrycloth wash cloths and a bunch of dish towels (what the Brits call "tea towels," I think).

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Feb 09 - 09:00 PM

I, too, have tea towels. Or rather, tee towels. I get from unattended golf bags.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Feb 09 - 09:12 PM

Rapairel fortifies the sink
By escapades upon the links
And going on a kleptomanic jag
Robbing golfers by the score
While they're busy, yelling "Fore!"
And nicking all the tee-towels from their bags.

He'll pretend he's on a stroll
And sniff around the fifteenth hole
And say he's searching for a ball awry,
Then the golfers in their ruts
Focused on their drives and putts
Will never see him slide up on the sly!

ANd their curses won't befoul us
When they find their bags are towel-less
We'll be snug and safe and sound at home!
Slimy as the ocean fishes
Rapaire's doing up the dishes
Let the towelless golfers fuss and foam!!

Old Rapaire, from Pocatello,
Is a most ingenious fellow!
Never lacks a towel or a poem
Where others buy or write (with wheezes)
He just grabs what e'er he pleases!
Recession's not a problem in the Bookman's happy home!!!

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 18 Feb 09 - 09:22 PM

Shouldn't that last line be:

...And little pools of turtle shit.

Nay. Everything in the poem is something with which I've had first-hand experience vis a vis paper towels. I've never picked up pools of turtle shit, but I have picked up turds of poodle shit.

The truth of the matter is I never used to use paper towels. There was always a damp dishcloth available to wipe up spills and crumbs. Then I started buying microwavable frozen pre-cooked sausage patties. Just plop one on a saucer, nuke it for a minute and blot it with a paper towel to absorb the grease. Sorry, but I'm not eating a sausage patty that's been blotted with a dirty dishcloth. So now the paper towels are there on the bar all the time and, yes, I've become an addict.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 18 Feb 09 - 09:28 PM

Rapaire, it would appear that all those years of living the life of a Legionaire have taken their toll. You seem to be coming apart at the seams, dear man.

Have you thought of pasting yourself together with duct tape? It's a lot less expensive than all these tests and surgeries.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Feb 09 - 10:37 PM

Yes, yes I am. The scene for my seams seems unseemly, and I might have to cuff my rotator around a bit.

I'll know Monday morning.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 18 Feb 09 - 10:52 PM

Janie, don't set him off. . .

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Feb 09 - 08:26 AM

Off? Set me off?? Off from the others??? Segregated???? Alone????? Alone and unwanted, as I spent grade school?????? At kickball and other school games chosen after the fence, the telephone pole, the asphalt on the playground, just as the bell ending recess rang??????? Coming out of school only to find that my bicycle had deserted me????????? Having no one to talk with, no friends, shunned even by the stray curs that inhabited the alleys?????????? Being known as the only kid in school who, as he trudged homeward, didn't even have the song of birds to cheer him???????????

Ah well. Go on. Set me off by myself in a dusty corner. I'm used to it. I've grown up and old with it. I can live through it. I know what it's like to go vote and have the ballot box spit my vote back out at me. I know what it's like to be ready to answer Roll Call in the Army and never have my name called. To fall into the swamps of Florida and be the only one in the group NOT to be devoured by alligators. To have the sky remain dark over my head, to spend every day and night without the light of the sun and moon. To have the electric light switch work for everyone but me.

Go on. Set me off.

I'm used to it by now.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 19 Feb 09 - 09:26 AM

Definitely a Duct Tape Opportunity, and the video will be widely acclaimed on You Tube. Narrative in print will round up to two million, and paperback adds 35%. Lesseee...England, France, Thailand, Monrovia....looks good.

A couple of points off the top for what's-his-name and we'll be rolling in dough....


A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Feb 09 - 09:32 AM

The hospital delivered me to my mother -- she'd left the hospital and never realized she'd left me behind. When I arrived her only comment was, "Oh, yeah, I knew I forgot something."

Then, sometime later, she dropped me on my head. This, by itself, isn't so surprising but after dropping me out of the moving car and forcing me, a child of just 18 months, to crawl home bleeding and wounded her comment was, "Where were you? You missed supper."

Yes, I'm used to it.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 19 Feb 09 - 10:24 AM

Maybe the song is actually "That cat came back, the very next day. . . " Cat, of course, being the beat street slang for "That Cat," meaning "Rapaire" (how long have you gone by that name? Did your mother dandle you on her knee and croon to her little Rapaire? Before the drop kick, that is . . .)

Sheesh. Janie. You're going to have your hands full for a while. MOM will find a quiet corner where you hang your shingle. Start with Mike.

;-D

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Feb 09 - 11:10 AM

Even now, as the Head Honcho of the Biggest Public Library For Fifty Miles Around (literally), my staff will have a Board Meeting and never give me the necessary materials. When I spoke up at the Meeting on Tuesday last the President of the Board said, "Who are you? We need your name for the minutes."

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River
Date: 19 Feb 09 - 01:56 PM

Well, I gotta give credit to them flipheads, eh? They know your wurth, man! Ha! Ha! Ha!

- Shane

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 19 Feb 09 - 03:22 PM

If Janie's hanging out a shingle, I want to suggest she focus on remedies for Imaginary Playmate Syndrome, also known as Proxy-by-George syndrome. If she's going to concentrate on Mike, then she should read up on intellectual kleptomania.



A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 19 Feb 09 - 03:45 PM

She could choose a whimsical name to telegraph what her specialty is: Harvey's Playhouse.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Feb 09 - 04:22 PM

Did everyone know that the late Shame McBride once appeared on "Pee Wee's Playhouse," playing with Pee Wee Herman? People in Blind River used to say, "Oh, look: two Pee Wees playing with each other."

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 19 Feb 09 - 06:41 PM

But they were mistaken, that was really the actress who played Reba the Mail Lady, not Shane.

And you can read a lot into that confusion, can't you? The whole town is messed up.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Feb 09 - 06:52 PM

That is true. Shame McBride (playing in drag, something I'm told he always enjoyed) WAS Reba the Mail Lady.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 19 Feb 09 - 07:29 PM

What you need on hand to fix or survive almost anything

Duct Tape
Tie Wire
Bic lighter
3/8" nylon rope
ripstop nylon tarp
a roll of 3 mil plastic
a butter knife

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 19 Feb 09 - 07:35 PM

and a dachshund

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 19 Feb 09 - 08:02 PM

I dunno, LH, not much meat on 'em.

(I'll get me coat....)

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 19 Feb 09 - 09:06 PM

Not so! Some are quite meaty.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 19 Feb 09 - 10:09 PM

No, not a scrawny little dachshund. You need a muscular smart pit bull named Cinnamon. That's what you need. Like this. Or this. I tell you, this dog will be the best companion you could imagine. And when you don't need a canine companion, she'll do your income taxes and rearrange your sock drawer.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Feb 09 - 10:30 PM

How much meat could you get out of her?

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 19 Feb 09 - 10:51 PM

Talkin' survival here. Got no pics I can post of some of the great dogs that have shared my life, but based on the premise that I would prefer not to "et" what I have "pet", the dog I would want with me would be a hound-lab mix, of which I have co-habitated with several. What you get is a good hunting dog that loves to obey, and will bring those groundhogs and possums right to you, not chewed up so awful bad that you can't roast or stew them, which means you don't have to contemplate dog roast, but if you do, a lot more meat on a bigger dog.

"Course, if yer in urban areas or near a wharf, a good rat dog like a leetle weinerdog or a small terrier might be just the ticket.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Feb 09 - 08:02 AM

If yer talkin' survival, yer talkin' eatin' whatever you can: cats, dogs, maggots, bugs, birds' eggs, ugly fish, horses, dead animals that ain't too far "gone" -- stuff you'd otherwise pass up and mebbe throw up. Anything else ain't survival.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 20 Feb 09 - 09:24 AM

Yep. ain't nuttin' like finding a groundhog along the side of the road that is swelled up just right!

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 20 Feb 09 - 09:37 AM

THe mandate to survive covers a very wide spectrum of human actyion, not just one desperate body's survival. Families survive, too. SO do companies and civilizations. Or not.


A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 20 Feb 09 - 09:46 AM

Is CInnamon playing on the first-base line? Or is that where the force-field fence is buried (the yellow strip with the bone on it).


A