BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Jul 13 - 11:08 PM

Inscribe it to "wildebeest."

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Jul 13 - 09:39 PM

You sell yourself short, sir! ;-) Why, some of the animals I've known have been pretty smart...smarter than some of the people, I'd have to say.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 03 Jul 13 - 09:22 PM

A... Gnu with an upper case G? NEVER! My name is Gary or g or gnu or garygnu. garygnu is what my close friends and relatives call me. Take yer pick. Surprise me... but, please no "Gnu" with an uppercase "G". I am just a dumb animal.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Jul 13 - 08:58 PM

Brilliant! ;-) That's just the sort of comeback Chongo would have given in a similar situation, except he might've gone for $120.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 03 Jul 13 - 07:00 PM

Sure thing, Rapp. But there's an extra charge for taking dictation, so you will have to send $80 for the custom order.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Jul 13 - 05:16 PM

LOL!!!

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Jul 13 - 03:25 PM

So if I send you twenty bucks will you send me an autographed copy too? I'd like the inscription to read, "To the most intelligent and wonderful person on this or any other planet, without whose wisdom and guidance I wouldn't be what I am today", okay?

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Jul 13 - 03:22 PM

Mom! Mom! I forgot to tell you! I got the stitches out of the sinus lift on the left side yesterday! Now the left side of my face is pulled up so I always have a half-smile showing! And the grafts are taking well, the surgeon says!

From the number of stitches taken out I think he charges by the yard....

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 03 Jul 13 - 03:08 PM

I, sir, and not you, claim the distinction of being First Vowel.

Do you want the dedication written to Gnu, Gnu?

A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Jul 13 - 03:04 PM

You are sending this to me? Thank you for whatever it is.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 03 Jul 13 - 02:56 PM

A... mail pickup at the Canada Post outlet at Sobeys, no less, will be in about one hour and a Mr. Jackson will be hurtling toward your abode forthwith. I an interested to find out just how long it takes for his journey to your mailbox.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Jul 13 - 08:46 AM

I didn't know Sham even WORE shoes or boots. I assume that his feet have grown out of them, unless that's mold. It's hard to tell the difference with Sham.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 03 Jul 13 - 06:15 AM

A... I merely interpreted your PM to read Canuck Bucks are fine and made a... tried to make a joke of it. No problem for me to get USD. It's on my 20130703 list already. Matter of fact, I just took a Yankee $50 out of the mattress as I see the buy/sell is 1.0825/1.025 this AM. I'll simply get the 50 changed at my Credit Onion.

Speaking of high finance. Sobeys (grocery chain) recently had a four day offer. A $200 purchase of gift cards eared 95 Air Miles which is worth $10. That's 5% immediately and more if you spend it within one year. The bank offers a 0.2% annual rate on an account with few fees for normal services. There was no limit on the amount of gift cards one could purchase. You should have see the look on the cashiers face when I told her how many $200 cards I wanted. The front end manager was called as the cashier could not action a purchase over $1000. The manager had to call the store manager who took me and the front end manager to an unused checkout becasue the entire transaction was gonna "take a while". Visa was involved in payment... nobody carries that kinda cash around except for some monkey that needs to do so to impress girl monkeys.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 02 Jul 13 - 11:28 PM

Yes, and then there are his old work boots...

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Jul 13 - 11:28 PM

Anyone can be disrobed with a flame thrower--Shane could be stripped raw with a BIC.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Jul 13 - 11:22 PM

Sham doesn't HAVE clothes -- just leprous, scrofulous, bits of cloth that provide a home for various fleas and lice. The Health Department would probably disrobe him with a flame thrower.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 02 Jul 13 - 11:18 PM

Just imagine what they'd say if Shane tried to auction his clothes...

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Jul 13 - 06:57 PM

I tried to auction my clothes once, but the Health Department put a stop to it. I'd even washed them before I wore them!

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 02 Jul 13 - 05:49 PM

Yes, and they keep changing. First the US dollar was worth more. Then it was worth less. Now it's worth more again...possibly because Monica Lewinsky's little black dress went up for auction the other day.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Jul 13 - 05:36 PM

Gnuzer:

I thibnk $20 should cover the postage and the book and a small royalty. How's that?

I don't care if you calculate it in US or Canadian, but US currency is easier for me to deal with. I am at the other border, you see.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 02 Jul 13 - 04:03 PM

A... hahahahaaa!

Also, as discussed, tell me how much of your droll old fashioned US currancy to buy with our high-tech synthetic artful and colourful Canuck bucks to send to you and I shall have it in the hands of Her Majesty's Canada Post anon.

I would appreciate the autograpgh to Gary written tastefully, mind, as it will be prominently displayed among other such treasures from the likes of Kendall, Oaks, Seamus, many others... and Tom Brady (I believe Tom is working on a book entitled, "Concussions : Huh? Wha?"). To wit, please refrain from using phrases such as, "Here's yer fuckin book fer Chrissake! Now, get off my back." >;-)

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Jul 13 - 02:59 PM

Perhaps "My Poop Is Quick".

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 02 Jul 13 - 10:59 AM

Oh...for heaven's sake!

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Jul 13 - 10:31 AM

An elegant title is terse, but rich with meaning. In Chongo's case, for example, something along the line of I, Feces would do the trick. I leave the cover art up tot he imagination...

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Jul 13 - 01:33 AM

Gnuzer: The listing at Amazon.ca says it is out of stock BUT there are two copies available, which is a bot contradictory. I sent you the link in my last PM. If there is some hurdle tracking down the copy available at the Book Depository, let me know and I'll send you the first new copy I geft when I order several tomorrow. The way this sort of deal works is they print when ordered (POD).

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Jul 13 - 12:22 AM

Yeah. But it's not non-fiction.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 01 Jul 13 - 10:58 PM

Oh, you Philistine! You specist! You utter dolt...

Do a search on Mudcat thread titles and you will find that there has already been a long Chongo adventure tale here entitled My Banana is Quick: A Chongo Chimp Tale.

Look it up, doofus, and you'll discover that YOU started it way back on 15 Jan 04! You did the first post. Those were the days when you hadn't yet descended into rank specism and you were still calling Chongo by his proper name...which is "Chongo", not "Chonga".

You need to refresh your memory, sir. Read "My Banana is Quick" again. It's a great story.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Jul 13 - 07:36 PM

What'll it be called?

My Gun Is Ook?
The Big Poop?
I, the Poo-Flinger?
The Continental Ook?
The Maltese Fling-Poop?
My Banana is Quick?

My name is either Chongo or Chonga or somethin' else. Ya see, I'm a private dick. I was expectin' a certain skirt when SHE came in. Didn't knock of course, dames like her never do and besides, she couldn't. I can't afford a door. Good looker. Blonde of course, with raven-black hair the color of polished copper. I said, "Don't dames like you knock?" and she said, "Listen, peeper, I brought your skirt. We couldn't get all the stains out, but we did our best. The boss said to collect ten smackers right now, or I blow the whistle to the cops, ya chiseler."

I tried to make some excuse, because I was flat, but she wasn't havin' any. "Ten, right now. Or do I get a flatfoot up here for some sap work on your head?"

I dug deep into my fur and pulled out a sawbuck I'd been savin' to get embalmed that night. I tossed it to her and said, "Listen, sister, you tell Mr. Big that from now on...."

She cut me off. "Can it, shamus. You still owe us for that tulle outfit, the black organdy dress, and that little oh-so-naughty red number from last Christmas. Charlie said to tell you that he's takin' you to Small Claims Court. Here's the paper."

She handed me a folded blue paper. On it was written "Charlie Big Cleaners v. Chonga Chimp, a/k/a Chongo Chimp, a/k/a Poo-Flinger Detective Agency." The court date was next week.

I said, "Can't we work this out?"

She replied, "You should pay yer bills, cheapskate" and left, leaving a wisp of the odor of dry cleaning fluid in her wake. Or maybe it was from the skirt.

There, I've even started it.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 01 Jul 13 - 06:06 PM

Chongo will surely write a book someday too, and it'll be a barnstormer, but right now he's too busy indulging in the active lifestyle of a hard-drinking, hard-fighting, classy dame-dating gumshoe. Who's got time to write?

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 01 Jul 13 - 05:46 PM

SRS.... APPARENTLY the wrong ones!

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 01 Jul 13 - 04:48 PM

I think Oprah is still picking books.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Jul 13 - 04:32 PM

I could nominate it for an ALA Book of Year award.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 01 Jul 13 - 04:29 PM

I am sure Oprah will make an exception.

Now... I will not ask again so politely... vas is costen fer das booken in my mailbox... combien da BEANS eh la?

I know it's just ONE sale but if ya don't take care of each and every customer, people talk. I could call Oprah ya know.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Jul 13 - 04:25 PM

Au contrarie, mon petit birdie. The store only sells used westerns and used...used...stuff like "Hot Motorcycle Mommas With Whips" and "The Ms. Birch Academy For Young Boys" and "Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice and Clare and Joe and Mary and Hans and Ingrid and Rick and Bill and Ewe Two and Hamish and Dorothy and the Vienna Boys Choir and Sundry Others."

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Jul 13 - 04:13 PM

What a loverly idea, LH! Wish Oprah were still in the book business!


A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 01 Jul 13 - 01:29 PM

By which I mean, it's a softcover book. But, no, it's not one of those little paperbacks that you can snag for $2.50 at the used bookstore back of the Idaho Legion. About all they usually have there is tattered old cowboy novels, coffee-stained Harlequin romances, and stuff by Danielle Steele.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 01 Jul 13 - 01:26 PM

It IS a paperback, melon-head.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Jul 13 - 01:24 PM

Is it out in paperback yet? Are there used copies available -- perhaps ex lib?

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 01 Jul 13 - 01:00 PM

Yes, I'd agree that self-publishing is probably Shane's only hope. That's why he's soliciting funds and trying to get a grant. It has nothing to do with spending the money on beer and smokes. Good heavens, no! Perish the thought.

There are some wonderful, challenging, very fresh concepts put forward in Beyond the Cascade. Much food for thought.

I can understand your trepidation over the years, Amos, wondering "Will this turn out to be a good book or not after all the work I've put into it?" Scary. Well, it's a darned good book. In the hands of the right publisher I think it could become a bestseller and make you a well-known author, maybe get you on shows like Oprah someday. ;-) Seriously. (I have an idea about which publisher. Will get back to you about that in a bit.)

Still reading here.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Jul 13 - 12:46 PM

It's his only hope.

BTW, Beyond the Cascade has received another five-star review, so it looks like it is actually a good book despite all the horrible misgivings that haunted its development over the last decade.


"...By the time the first two paragraphs were read, I found myself unable to put it down until finished. In short order, the full version was purchased, and I began to devour it, long into the night - several nights, as a matter of fact. Normally one who reads at a fair clip, I found myself encountering thoughts that begged to be re-read, their meanings distilled, absorbed and savored. It was difficult to concentrate on much else, until the book was finished, and this vortex I had been sucked into, spit me out the other side, shell-shocked and contemplative. Far from overtaxing me, the challenges presented by Beyond the Cascade allowed me think in ways I hadn't dared to in many years, and left me feeling uplifted. This is truly a book that everyone should read. I cannot recommend it enough."

From Amazon.com

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 01 Jul 13 - 11:06 AM

I did a quick survey of some of our more ethereal MOAB posters - they advise self-publishing.

QUARK!!!

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 30 Jun 13 - 06:43 PM

Not yet.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 30 Jun 13 - 06:34 PM

Has he found a publisher, Little Hawk?

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 30 Jun 13 - 06:25 PM

I expected better of both of youse guys, but hey, this is Mom's place, right?

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 30 Jun 13 - 03:59 PM

WTF is Rap on about now? ;-) Or what is he on, period?

Well, here's some exciting news! There's a brief report today in the Manitoulin Expositor, a small newspaper that is based in Little Current, not far from Blind River. Their Arts page reports that Shane McBride will shortly complete a memoir entitled "Beyond Drunk and Disorderly". It's scheduled to be published sometime next Spring, and Shane is presently soliciting funds in the form of a grant (plus private donations) to assist in that endeavour and generate some useful pre-publication hype.

Should make for quite a read, eh?

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 30 Jun 13 - 03:44 PM

Hell yeah, Bro. Pray at Will. Don't wait to see the whites of his eyes.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Jun 13 - 03:34 PM

Confíteor Deo omnipoténti, beátæ Maríæ semper Vírgini, beáto Michaéli Archángelo, beáto Joanni Baptístæ, sanctis Apóstolis Petro et Paulo, ómnibus Sanctis, et tibi, Mater: quia peccávi nimis cogitatióne, verbo et ópere: mea culpa, mea culpa, mea máxima culpa. Ideo precor beátam Maríam semper Vírginem, beátum Michaélem Archángelum, beátum Joánnem Baptístam, sanctos Apóstolos Petrum et Paulum, omnes Sanctos, et vobis, fratres et sorores, oráre pro me ad Dóminum Deum nostrum.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Jun 13 - 12:26 PM

Here's some proof for you, Amos. A source prior to the SJs. Since I'm certain sure you don't, more's the pity, read Middle English I've left the line numbers in to assist you.

165 A Monk ther was, a fair for the maistrie,
166         An outridere, that lovede venerie,
167         A manly man, to been an abbot able.
168         Ful many a deyntee hors hadde he in stable;
169         And whan he rood, men myghte his brydel heere
170         Gynglen in a whistlynge wynd als cleere,
171         And eek as loude, as dooth the chapel belle,
172         Ther as this lord was keper of the celle.
173         The reule of Seint Maure, or of Seint Beneit,
174         Bycause that it was old and somdel streit-
175         This ilke Monk leet olde thynges pace,
176         And heeld after the newe world the space.
177         He yaf nat of that text a pulled hen,
178         That seith that hunters beth nat hooly men,
179         Ne that a monk, whan he is recchelees,
180         Is likned til a fissh that is waterlees-
181    This is to seyn, a monk out of his cloystre-
182         But thilke text heeld he nat worth an oystre!
183         And I seyde his opinioun was good,
184         What sholde he studie, and make hymselven wood,
185         Upon a book in cloystre alwey to poure,
186         Or swynken with his handes and laboure
187         As Austyn bit? How shal the world be served?
188         Lat Austyn have his swynk to him reserved;
189         Therfore he was a prikasour aright,
190         Grehoundes he hadde, as swift as fowel in flight;
191         Of prikyng and of huntyng for the hare
192         Was al his lust, for no cost wolde he spare.
193         I seigh his sleves ypurfiled at the hond
194         With grys, and that the fyneste of a lond;
195         And for to festne his hood under his chyn
196         He hadde of gold ywroght a curious pyn;
197         A love-knotte in the gretter ende ther was.
198         His heed was balled, that shoon as any glas,
199         And eek his face, as it hadde been enoynt.
200         He was a lord ful fat and in good poynt,
201         Hise eyen stepe, and rollynge in his heed,
202         That stemed as a forneys of a leed;
203         His bootes souple, his hors in greet estaat;
204         Now certeinly he was a fair prelaat!
205         He was nat pale as a forpyned goost,
206         A fat swan loved he best of any roost.
207         His palfrey was as broun as is a berye,
208         A Frere ther was, a wantowne and a merye,
209         A lymytour, a ful solempne man,
210         In alle the ordres foure is noon that kan
211        So muchel of daliaunce and fair langage.
212         He hadde maad ful many a mariage
213         Of yonge wommen at his owene cost.
214         Unto his ordre he was a noble post,
215         And wel biloved and famulier was he
216         With frankeleyns overal in his contree
217         And eek with worthy wommen of the toun,
218         For he hadde power of confessioun,
219         As seyde hymself, moore than a curat,
220         For of his ordre he was licenciat.
221         Ful swetely herde he confessioun,
222         And plesaunt was his a absolucioun,
223         He was an esy man to yeve penaunce
224         Ther as he wiste to have a good pitaunce;
225         For unto a povre ordre for to yive
226         Is signe that a man is wel yshryve;
227         For, if he yaf, he dorste make avaunt,
228         He wiste that a man was repentaunt.
229         For many a man so harde is of his herte,
230         He may nat wepe, al thogh hym soore smerte;
231         Therfore, in stede of wepynge and preyeres,
232         Men moote yeve silver to the povre freres.
233         His typet was ay farsed ful of knyves
234         And pynnes, for to yeven yonge wyves.
235         And certeinly he hadde a murye note,
236         Wel koude he synge, and pleyen on a rote,
237         Of yeddynges he baar outrely the pris.
238         His nekke whit was as the flour delys;
239         Therto he strong was as a champioun,
240         He knew the tavernes wel in every toun
241         And everich hostiler and tappestere
242         Bet than a lazar or a beggestere.
243         For unto swich a worthy man as he
244         Acorded nat, as by his facultee,
245         To have with sike lazars aqueyntaunce;
246         It is nat honeste, it may nat avaunce,
247         For to deelen with no swich poraille,
248         But al with riche and selleres of vitaille;
249         And overal, ther as profit sholde arise,
250         Curteis he was, and lowely of servyse.
251         Ther nas no man nowher so vertuous;
252         He was the beste beggere in his hous,
253         (And yaf a certeyn ferme for the graunt
254         Noon of his brethren cam ther in his haunt;)
255         For thogh a wydwe hadde noght a sho,
256         So plesaunt was his `In principio'
257         Yet wolde he have a ferthyng er he wente;
258         His purchas was wel bettre than his rente.
259         And rage he koude, as it were right a whelpe;
260         In love-dayes ther koude he muchel helpe;
261         For there he was nat lyk a cloysterer,
262         With a thredbare cope, as is a povre scoler,
263         But he was lyk a maister or a pope;
264         Of double worstede was his semycope,
265         That rounded as a belle out of the presse.
266         Somwhat he lipsed for his wantownesse
267         To make his Englissh sweete upon his tonge,
268         And in his harpyng, whan that he hadde songe,
269         Hise eyen twynkled in his heed aryght
270         As doon the sterres in the frosty nyght.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Jun 13 - 12:07 PM

Who do you think taught Ignatius of Loyola, Aloysius Gonzaga and the rest of the gang? The Sisters of the Good Shepherd?

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 30 Jun 13 - 11:48 AM

PIsh and tush, good sir! Franciscans are Johnny-come-lately when comes to quality BS. Jesuits-in-training, nothing more!

If you really want hard lessons in BS, you should mix it up with the hard-core Simonologists over at the Church of Simonology.