BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 28 Jun 10 - 04:17 PM

I, sir? Nay, sir!! I cast them, well and good, but upon your conduct, I do not! It is on your karma I have cast them, like so much melted butter sauce, producing the vaunted Karma'n Ghee-ah! A fitting sauce for one of legendary sauciness.


A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Jun 10 - 03:21 PM

Sir, do you cast aspersions upon my gentlemanly conduct?

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 28 Jun 10 - 02:41 PM

Your karma will run over your dogma, sir, until you Getaway.


A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Jun 10 - 02:26 PM

I never ripped a bodice.   I always untied or unhooked them. The other way would be crass, crude and ungentlemanly.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 28 Jun 10 - 01:16 PM

Besides, he will need a good dose of spirits come the Getaway as he will find himself sorely driven to suddenly act out his previous life time as a bodice-ripper.


A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 28 Jun 10 - 11:06 AM

Draft Horse Beer for Raparee
When he feels like making free!
As along his veins it courses,
He will feel as big as horses!
Thus he'll never fade or fray
Surviving at the Getaway!
Clydesdale, Arab, Palomino!
Better far than doorway vino!
Soon so drunk he cannot see,
Say a prayer for Raparee!

Excerpted from the Legionaire's Diseased Songbook, 1954
Author unknown, although reputed to be "Slimy Slim" Studly Stickers of the Pocatello, Idaho regional office.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Jun 10 - 10:55 AM

Nevermind, I'll get my own beer and you can pay for it.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Jun 10 - 10:51 AM

That'll do. Cool it and they won't be able to tell the difference. I'd prefer if you'd offer me a draft beer, though.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 27 Jun 10 - 11:37 PM

No stables near at hand, but maybe the from the dogs next door?

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 27 Jun 10 - 10:40 PM

Why not get it directly from the trough in the stables?

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 27 Jun 10 - 08:19 PM

Good ideas! I'm off to buy Iron City or Milwaukee Ice, whichever is the cheapest.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 27 Jun 10 - 01:26 PM

Don't be too liberal with the beer. Shane will shred all those papers for you if you tell him there's free beer at the bottom of the stack.


A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 27 Jun 10 - 12:06 PM

Oh, yes! Janie, better fill the Coleman cooler with some ice and cheap beer, for refreshments for your guests. They probably won't ask for food.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 27 Jun 10 - 11:52 AM

Stilly has a brilliant suggestion--let us send ALL of Little Hawks imaginary friends, led by the redoubtable Shatner, on a mass mission to exercise revenge or remediation for Janie's troubles. They can stop and have a discussion with Eiseley's son on their way down from Orellia, just to ofer him an educational perspective, eh? Then off to Carolina, where Corridus can take over some of Janie's counseling load, Chongo can figger out how to get those taxes taken care of, and Shatner can arm wrestle the contractor using his impeccable negotiation skills.


Take pictures!!


A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 27 Jun 10 - 11:31 AM

Eiseley, have you visited any of the Mudcat threads where we offer saged discourse on removing such problems? There are a number of fine (and free) products available to help with viruses.

Janie, I hope you get that under control. I have a book review to write, and I've put it off, but after hearing about a friend's misery with a bad contractor, it's time to write it (the book is by the local consumer watchdog columnist from the Star-Telegram). They stole a lot of stuff from the property while they were there, but he didn't notice until later when he needed things - they carefully left behind the boxes and cases to make it look like the items were still there. The roofers, who did a miserable job that they didn't complete, were the only ones in an otherwise-locked yard in recent times. So I have my "hook" for my review about choosing good contractors.

Oops. Back to BS. Janie, I hope Shane AND Chongo come down there - but why not send them after the contractor, instead of just hoping for a duel in the yard? Tell them that this contractor wants to sneak up to Canada and steal their beer.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 27 Jun 10 - 11:15 AM

Ms Eiseley: Please feel free to use the child as a target holder.

Amos: So would I, and I've spotted a couple of other things that can be improved as well. No, not "improved" but simply brought more into perfection.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 27 Jun 10 - 10:58 AM

Casuarina Club Coach Spells Speed With A 'C' -- (Darwin, Australia 30/6/01) An Australian coach is using a crocodile in the pool to encourage his swimmers to improve their speeds.

Mark Davies, from Casuarina Crocs Swimming Club in Darwin, says the technique improves his squad's performance.Local swimming authorities say he'll have to use a private pool if he wants to continue using the crocodile while the Australian Institute of Sport has condemned the technique.

Mr Davies is unrepentant. He told Australian newspaper The Telegraph: "The thought of something chasing them down the pool certainly improves the speeds of my swimmers."
Before the 1.8-metre saltwater crocodile is lowered into the water, its jaw is bound with tape and its claws are clipped.

---

Jane Crumley, the Swimming Team Fool

(Tune: John Henry)

When Jane Crumley was a little baby
A-sittin' on her momma's knee,
She said a ten foot salty on the Varsity Squad,
Is gonna be the death of me, Lord, Lord
Gonna be the death of me!

Now Janie grew up to be a swimmer,
And she moved to Darwin town;
And the girls all called her the Dundee Momma
'Cuz she smoked all the boys in the town, Lord Lord,
She smoked all the boys in that town.

Now the big coach said to Jane Crumley,
Gal, you better swim like a fool,
There's a ten foot croc with a hide like rock,
In the starting end of this pool, Lord Lord
The starting end of the pool

But Jane Crumley she said to Coach Davies
I'm the fastest fin in this town
Before I let that salty catch my ass
I will roll right over and drown, Lord, Lord
I will roll right over and drown!

When the starting gun went off that morning
Janie Crumley's suit was brown
But when the days was over, Lord
It was red from the shoulders down, Lord Lord
Bright red fromt he shoulders down.

Now Janie said to her pacer,
Pacer, pour me that tea and cream
'Cuz I'm pouring on hots and I'm cutting five knots,
Just look at that chlorine steam, Lord, Lord
Just look at that chlorine steam.

Now the bugger who raised up that salty,
He thought he was something fine
But Jane Crumley breast-stroked a ten-meter start
Before that salty croc done nine, Lord, lord
Before that croc done nine!

Jane Crumley she dug into the water
She cut it like a razor knife
But five meters short of that finishing line
That salty took her life, Lord Lord
That salty took her life

The salty got hold of one ankle
And Janey just tore herself free
Said I won't make the lap in four nineteen,
But I'll make it in four twenty-three, Lord, Lord
I'll make it in four twenty-three

Now the salty he grabbed Janey's kneecap,
And Janey was just half-alive
Said I won't make the lap in four twenty three,
But I'll make it in four twenty-five, Lord, Lord
I'll make it in four twenty-five!

Now Janey was crossing the finishing line
As the salty pulled her down,
She made four twenty-five as he grabbed her waist,
And she rolled right over and she drown, Lord, Lord
She rolled right over an'  she drowned.

Well they sponged up the rest of Jane Crumley
And they put it on display by the  pool
And every class of freshmen gets to hear that coach say,
"Now there was a true swimming fool, Lord, Lord
There was a true swimming fool!"

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 27 Jun 10 - 10:51 AM

Rapaire:

That was a heroic piece, indeed. I would refine a couple of the rhyming ends, but a heroic piece overall.

I wrote a similar ballad some time ago concerning an Australian swimming coach who took to putting a salty in the pool with his swim-team in order to inspire them to new bursts of speed.

A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Eiseley
Date: 27 Jun 10 - 09:52 AM

My youngest son downloaded a virus onto my computer, so it's been ill since Thursday. I have to take it to the computer doctor tomorrow. So I had to come in to work ON SUNDAY to see what you folks had said to MOM while I was out.
Over and out again,

Eiseley

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 27 Jun 10 - 12:54 AM

I am tired! While Stilly has been doping herself silly and Rapaire has been squandering his retirement hours composing parodies, I have been working my butt (just for you, LH) off in this week "between jobs" switching my private practice from a PLLC to a sole proprietorship to simplify taxes next year because my partners have been inactive for over a year, and adding private practice clients who are transferring from my previous agency position in order to continue therapy with moi.

In other words, I have spent the week figuring out how I am going to deal with biting off more than I can chew. Looks like between the new job and the increase in private clients I am about to start working 70 hour weeks instead of 55 hour weeks. In the meantime, my 2009 taxes still are not done, the small claims paperwork is not completed or filed against the window/siding guy that I foolishly paid off before the work was finished 2 years ago, the yard has not been mowed in 3 weeks, the stacks of paper that need filed or shredded, things that need stashed in the attic, shoved in a closet or the shed, or tossed or donated have completely overrun the guest room, and the bills are not yet paid. Worst of all, the cherry tomatoes formerly trellised so attractively have run amok and may refuse all attempts to tame them in the name of impressing the neighbors with my artistry with veggie gardens.

I need Shane or Chongo to drop by and create such havoc that I have a good excuse....

A good, rowdy sharp-bladed duel with blades or words would probably also suffice.

Or nun jokes....

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 27 Jun 10 - 12:20 AM

Priceless, Rapaire!

I really hate to contribute fuel for your grandiose delusions, but gotta give the devil his due.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Jun 10 - 10:34 PM

The Ballad of Joan Henny
A Blatant Rip-off By Rapaire

When Joan Henny was a little chickie,
Peckin' at her mama's corn,
Said: "I'm gonna lay eggs till my duct fills up
An' it's gonna be the death of me,
Lawd, Lawd. Gonna be the death of me.

Farmer says to Joan Henny,
Gonna bring me a steam layer 'round,
Gonna take dat steam layer out on de job,
Gonna whop them eggs on down, Lawd, Lawd,
Gonna whop them eggs on down.

Joan Henny tol' that farmer,
Lightnin' was in her eye;
Farmer, bet yo' las' red cent on me,
Fo' I'll beat it through the bottom or I'll die, Lawd, Lawd,
I'll beat it through the bottom or I'll die."

Joan Henny started out on de right nest,
De steam layer started on de lef'---
"Before I 'd let dis steam layer beat me down,
I'd lay my fool self to death,
Lawd, Lawd, I'd lay fool self to death."

Joan Henny said to her rooster,
"Rooster, why don' you crow?
I'm throwin' twelve poun's from my hips on down,
Jes' watch that oviduct ring,
Lawd, Lawd, Jes' watch that oviduct ring."

Oh, de farmer said to Joan Henny,
"I b'lieve this hen house sinkin' in,
Joan Henny said to her farmer, oh my!
"Ain' nothin' but my ducts suckin' win',
Lawd, Lawd, ain' nothln' but my ducts suckin' win."

Joan Henny tol' her rooster,
Rooster, you better pray,
For if I miss with dis sixty-pound egg,
Tomorrow'll gonna be yo' fryin' day,
Lawd, Lawd, tomorrow'll gonna be yo' fryin' day."

Joan Hennry tol' her farmer,
"Looka yonder what l see ---
Yo' layer's done broke an' it's hole's done choked,
An' you cain' lay eggs like me,
Lawd, Lawd, an' you cain' lay eggs like me."

De man dat invented de steam layer,
Thought he was mighty fine.
Joan Henny laid eggs fifteen times,
An' de steam layer only laid nine,
Lawd, Lawd, an' de steam layer only laid nine.

Joan Henny was layin' her a mountain,
An' her oviducts was strikin' fire,
She drove so hard she broke her pore heart,
An' she laid down her body an' she died,
Lawd, Lawd, she laid down her body an' she died.

Joan Henny had a pretty lil rooster,
An' he was dressed in red feathers and blue,
An' de las' words that she said to him:
"Coxcomb, I've been true to you,
Lawd, Lawd, Coxcomb I've been true to you."

Dey took Joan Henny to de fry pan,
An' dey fried her in de grease,
An' every patron at de KFC,
Says, "Dere fries a egg-layin' hen,
Lawd, Lawd, dere fries a egg-layin' hen."

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 26 Jun 10 - 10:12 PM

The cats are both gone. There wasn't one available for that.

Sing your song for us Rapaire!

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Jun 10 - 09:42 PM

I finished the ballad for Getaway.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Jun 10 - 06:40 PM

Heck, tell 'em you had a cat' scan.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 26 Jun 10 - 05:33 PM

Well, it's more up-to-date to have a catahoula scan...


A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 26 Jun 10 - 01:02 PM

Today it feels like a raging case of the flu, but I only took one hydrocodone, last night, because the pain was really that bad. No alcohol, I just took a really hard kind of strange nap. I'm back on Motrin today, and have passed tomorrow's drive with my son to Love Field in Dallas over to my son's father, who isn't at this time taking an antibiotic famous for making people dizzy.

The first one who seems to have known something was wrong was my dog Poppy, who famously charges up to people and gives them a snort in the crotch. On Tuesday she caught me, and really pushed hard, like there was something unusual to detect. It takes humans a lot longer to notice that infection smell. (Too bad this dog is a catahoula, not a Labrador retriever, or I could say I had some lab work done early. . . )

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 26 Jun 10 - 12:06 PM

Bladders!! What are ya gonna do? Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em.

Outside of a bladder, a book is a woman's best friend. Inside a bladder, it's too dark to read.

Need I go on? Heal soon!!


A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Jun 10 - 10:15 AM

Simon says, "Don't be sick!"

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 26 Jun 10 - 10:00 AM

Yes, please....

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 26 Jun 10 - 01:44 AM

Get yourself well, Stilly.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 26 Jun 10 - 01:29 AM

Hey Mom,


On second thought, nevermind.....

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Jun 10 - 11:42 PM

Yes you could have or have wished to. Watch the hydrocodone, as it's sneaky. DON'T drink alcohol while taking the hydrocodone.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 25 Jun 10 - 08:39 PM

I have only a few words to describe my day (and a doctor's visit, in the nick of time, or I'd have died of this over the weekend. Or wanted to):

Bladder infection.

Cipro.

Hydrocodone.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Jun 10 - 08:21 PM

Pardon me, that should have been "misfeasance, malfeasance, and nonfeasance" instead of having malsfeasance in there twice.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 25 Jun 10 - 08:11 PM

You lie twice in protesting the charge of lying but once, sirrah!! Go, rest your sore and weary head and let Lethe restore your innate virtue, that you will again be able to tell night from day!


A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Jun 10 - 03:29 PM

Frund dipper! Slubmeister! Blathershite! How DARE you accuse ME of shoddy scholarship, of the most reprehensible, odious and obnoxious academic malfeasance, malfeasance, and nonfeasance! O tempus! O mores! When a professional, internationally recognized in his field, must be subject to the scrapings from the mind of a geistenforge!   Go to, go to! you halfdock, you burrsaddle, you, you...WINDOWS LOVER!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 25 Jun 10 - 02:18 PM

Well done to Eiseley's brother and a pox on the besotted besognio Rapaire for falsifying his research in the most egregious way.


A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Jun 10 - 01:38 PM

I therefore dedicate 36,400 to your brother, whats-his-name.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Eiseley
Date: 25 Jun 10 - 01:18 PM

Today is my brother's birthday. We celebrate his half-birthday, too, in late December. Many other people also exchange presents on that day, but they do it for some other reason. We do it because it's Adam's half birthday.

Eiseley

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Jun 10 - 12:39 PM

I only quote from the Old Estonian Dictionary, Mario.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 25 Jun 10 - 11:50 AM

Silly me; I always thought Amos and Shame were their FORENAMES....

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Jun 10 - 11:37 AM

Lavaterchik: Estonian, ca. 13-14th C. mas. n. derogatory word for those living in San Diego; lit. means "a dirty, disgusting, foulmouthed beast of a human being. Synonymous with the surnames "Amos" and "Shame".
                      --OED, 1897, vol 15, p. 1549.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 25 Jun 10 - 11:28 AM

besognio
. A low, worthless fellow: coll.: ca. 1620–1840. Pron. and often spelt besonio. Ex It. bisogna via S.E. beso(g)nio, a raw soldier.


I just love it when a bunch of morphemes come together in a good way.


A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Jun 10 - 11:20 AM

I think he was the guy who cut my leg off after the Battle of Mary's Station, down on Canal Street. It was only a nasty bruise, but he amputated. Fortunately I can regenerate, but it's SUCH a bother.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 25 Jun 10 - 11:17 AM

Noticed, however, how automatically "inspired madman" and "Rapaire" go together in Stilly's mind.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 25 Jun 10 - 11:03 AM

LOL!! Zing!! But I was referring to a different inspired madman who made the OED possible...a U.S. Army surgeon named William Chester Minor, who lived in an English asylum for the criminally insane for 30 years but was nonetheless one of editor James Murray's most valuable volunteer assistants.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 25 Jun 10 - 10:31 AM

Amos, all seven occurrences of the word on the page are in your post. I didn't notice this in Rapaire's post. Perhaps you were dreaming?

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 25 Jun 10 - 10:24 AM

All credit to the OED and the inspired madman who made it possible.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 25 Jun 10 - 10:17 AM

Excellent work, Amos!