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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Rapparee 23 Feb 19 - 03:49 PM
Stilly River Sage 23 Feb 19 - 11:29 AM
Rapparee 22 Feb 19 - 03:02 PM
Donuel 22 Feb 19 - 07:22 AM
Rapparee 21 Feb 19 - 11:00 PM
Donuel 21 Feb 19 - 09:41 PM
keberoxu 21 Feb 19 - 06:49 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 21 Feb 19 - 11:20 AM
Donuel 21 Feb 19 - 10:16 AM
Rapparee 20 Feb 19 - 08:46 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 20 Feb 19 - 03:30 PM
Donuel 20 Feb 19 - 02:57 PM
Donuel 20 Feb 19 - 12:38 PM
Donuel 20 Feb 19 - 08:01 AM
Donuel 19 Feb 19 - 11:39 PM
Donuel 19 Feb 19 - 10:46 PM
Stilly River Sage 19 Feb 19 - 10:29 PM
Rapparee 19 Feb 19 - 10:14 PM
Donuel 19 Feb 19 - 10:03 PM
gnu 19 Feb 19 - 05:46 PM
Rapparee 19 Feb 19 - 04:36 PM
gnu 19 Feb 19 - 04:28 PM
Donuel 18 Feb 19 - 09:26 PM
Donuel 18 Feb 19 - 09:10 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 18 Feb 19 - 09:09 PM
Rapparee 18 Feb 19 - 08:54 PM
Donuel 18 Feb 19 - 08:52 PM
Donuel 18 Feb 19 - 08:28 PM
Stilly River Sage 18 Feb 19 - 08:07 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 18 Feb 19 - 06:59 PM
Donuel 18 Feb 19 - 03:25 PM
Donuel 18 Feb 19 - 03:01 PM
keberoxu 18 Feb 19 - 12:30 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 18 Feb 19 - 10:59 AM
keberoxu 17 Feb 19 - 08:34 PM
Rapparee 17 Feb 19 - 08:27 PM
Little Hawk 17 Feb 19 - 06:11 PM
Rapparee 17 Feb 19 - 05:36 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 17 Feb 19 - 03:58 PM
Stilly River Sage 17 Feb 19 - 01:47 PM
Little Hawk 17 Feb 19 - 11:27 AM
Rapparee 16 Feb 19 - 10:38 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 16 Feb 19 - 07:17 PM
gnu 16 Feb 19 - 06:02 PM
Donuel 16 Feb 19 - 04:55 PM
Stilly River Sage 16 Feb 19 - 12:49 PM
Rapparee 15 Feb 19 - 09:09 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 15 Feb 19 - 02:07 PM
Rapparee 14 Feb 19 - 05:01 PM
Donuel 14 Feb 19 - 03:49 PM

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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Feb 19 - 03:49 PM

Adventures of the friends of a duckdog.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 23 Feb 19 - 11:29 AM

QWAACK!!!





Gluon was watching Daffy Duck cartoons this morning.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Feb 19 - 03:02 PM

Gluon has spin when tail-chasing, and is neither up nor down. In fact, CERN, Livermore, Argonne, INL, Sandia, Max Planck, MEPhI, Oak Ridge, Hanford, Enrico Fermi, Les Horribles Cernettes, Fermilab, Brookhaven, Beijing Electron-Positron Collider, Institute for Advanced Studies, and other high-power, high-energy places haven't figured Gluon out yet. If it is possible to figure Gluon out. Not up, not down, no charm, no nothing, and yet good at retrieving antiparticles from black holes and humping legs. That's Gluon.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Feb 19 - 07:22 AM

3 quarks make a proton or a neutron. it depends if they are up or down.

9 exclamation marks is a cosmic mystery


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Feb 19 - 11:00 PM

QUARK!!!


QUARK!!!


QUARK!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Feb 19 - 09:41 PM

4 Different beings makes a sexual quorum. That's 168 fingers +2 hyper dicks and 2 hyper pussies'. They go at it from angles we can't imagine.
Russian Trump prostitutes do a decent 3D facsimile.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: keberoxu
Date: 21 Feb 19 - 06:49 PM

In the meantime,
MOM could fall through the cracks
if she isn't given a hand up in time.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 21 Feb 19 - 11:20 AM

Four sexes, huh? So this Regulon guy could hump Rap's leg four different ways at the same time?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Feb 19 - 10:16 AM

Why BWL? Because Duck Dogs are 2 dimensional graphics or gentle fetch slaves.
Reggie has a static hyperspheric brain with 42 opposable fingers that can reach through any wall, vault or miles of earth and manipulate any 3D object. All human endeavors are an absurdity and pointless to him/her. But mostly they have four sexes for reproduction.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Feb 19 - 08:46 PM

Duckdogs to the rescue!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 20 Feb 19 - 03:30 PM

I have received the following message from Gluon:

QUARK!

Translation: Who's this Regulon guy? You MOAB types already have me to do all that higher-dimensional, space-warp, hide behind a black hole while playing hide-and-seek with Schrödinger's cat type stuff. I bet Regulon doesn't even know how to hump Rap's leg. Why do you want to fool with a loser like Regulon when you have a duckdog at your service?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Feb 19 - 02:57 PM

LH this is what happens if we throw Chongo into a black hole

Rap I imagine you
are better than Alec Guiness


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Feb 19 - 12:38 PM

I can not tell you what you do not know but this is where you went wrong
Regulon


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Feb 19 - 08:01 AM

I was in 7th grade when I was first taught about the double slit experiment and the implications it has for quantum field theory by Mr. Daly my Earth Science teacher. 60 years later my understanding has has managed to progress about 1/10 of 1 %.

Reggie, if you are out there can you explain it in terms a child can understand? For a species that got it wrong we sure have used partial knowledge of electrons and photon waves effectively to the point where relative idiots can correspond via computers.

Chongo (enhanced by CRISPR)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Feb 19 - 11:39 PM

On one side of a virtual two way mirror we have quantum field theory and on the other we have de Broglie pilot wave theory. The pilot wave theory is more deterministic and you can know the path of an electron, you can even see the 'future' pilot wave creating a course ahead of a particle.

Quantum field theory looks almost identical but has more random possibilities/probabilities. In a mental mirror these two theories and their equations reflect each other but I think the same thing is missing from both. but I dunno what that is. Gyou?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RlXdsyctD50


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Feb 19 - 10:46 PM

your survival is the result of quantum consciousness whether you know it or not. Chongo knows it speeds up his reaction time.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 19 Feb 19 - 10:29 PM

Only from Chongo/a's POV. Funny how that works.

Not many mudelves visit MOM. gnu got lucky today.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Feb 19 - 10:14 PM

Reggie would be a pull toy for Chongo/a.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Feb 19 - 10:03 PM

I am an expert on knowing I am not smart enough to do certain things which makes me a genius for certain other things like seeing an obvious accumulation of higher dimensions which actually diminish in size. Sometimes they leak into my familiar 3 dimensions in such a way that make me aware of things at a distance I should not know about.
In other words we all live in higher dimensions but we don't have the senses to be clearly aware of them. We can see with instruments and math but we are not constantly aware of higher dimensions. A fourth dimensional alien could drive in four dimensions while eating his 4 dimensional omniburger while we sometimes get lost in only 3 dimensions when a street name is changed.


Enter Chongo the chimp. We know we have just 1% difference in our DNA compared to Chongo. Chongo is really smart but he rarely becomes more skilled than a human toddler ( no offense Chongo.) Enter Regulon "Reggie" who is an Alien who is only 1% more advanced in DNA and other things we can't imagine. Einstein would be like a toddler or even a 5th grader to Reggie. Still we live in higher dimensions and you may on occasion be aware of another you in those higher dimensions like Voldemort was aware of one of his living horcrux.


You should be able to do more remarkable things with a new awareness of time than you have been led to believe. Compared to Reggie however you probably will not be able to decode the universes.
String theory is like a pull toy for alien kids to Reggie. Perhaps Reggie's ancestors had to navigate in four dimensions to escape 4 dimensional predators but whatever made senses to see his world clearly we will never feel natural to us. What seems like a spark of madness to us may only be a normal Reggie moment.

Why should we care? I leave that for you to solve. It goes back to Plato.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 19 Feb 19 - 05:46 PM

La Belle? Pas no. In New Brunswick, nous dis en Chiac. Bain goddamn la. Pas da Quebecois icit la. It's about Acadian history... sweet **** all about La Belle. La Belle can flit mon eh?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Feb 19 - 04:36 PM

His book is in French??? Can't he write in English? If I go to Quebec this summer I'M not going to learn French! Let all them Quebecers learn English! Canada is a country founded by English speaking people and by God they can speak French English like the Queen intended!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 19 Feb 19 - 04:28 PM

Well, we'll find out tonight, won't we?

On another note... my buddy's book is now out in English and there will be an English promo soon. I have a thread above the line. I tried the linkmaker several times but... nope. So here is the French promo.

https://youtu.be/Z8dfBDRzpdI


Link shortened and fixed. My gawd but this thread is heavy. . . ---exhausted mudelf


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Feb 19 - 09:26 PM

Just this month another crazed guy attacked Comet Pizza
About 8,670,000 results (0.62 seconds)
Search Results
Web results
Pizzagate conspiracy theory - Wikipedia

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pizzagate_conspiracy_theory
Pizzagate is a debunked conspiracy theory that went viral during the 2016 United States election ... child sex ring involving the Washington, D.C. restaurant Comet Ping Pong. ...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Feb 19 - 09:10 PM

I am reminded of my 22 year old cartoon that was rejected by the New Yorker Magazine of 'Michelangelo's' God sitting upon his stylized porcelain throne with a look of anguish, consternation and concern in his face and body.
Captioned: The POWER of cheese


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 18 Feb 19 - 09:09 PM

Has it occurred to you that the people most likely to believe the Apollo moon landings never happened are also the ones most likely to believe there's a child sex ring operating on the moon?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Feb 19 - 08:54 PM

I believe BWL because he smokes pots. Be that as it may, the great Gruyere gas buildup is a plot by the Galactic Overlord, who isn't fondue of Earth. Should it fail he/she/it plans to capture the escaping gas and use it in his/her/its next attempt, which is to patch the hole(s) in the moon except for one. That will be used a a nozzle to to first reload the captured gas and then, with a different nozzle, propel the moon toward the earth until it is in a pole-to-pole orbit. Then the gas will be directed against earth and, with the human race cleaned away, it/she/he will be able to Reek Havoc on the earth.

Fortunately, the Idaho Legion is preparing a Harpoon missile which will embed itself in the moon. It will tow a looooooooooooong hose which will evacuate all of the gas within the moon, causing it to fly around like a balloon when the air is let out.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Feb 19 - 08:52 PM

Correction :   [4 billion year old aged Romano cheese]
good thing cheese does not stink in a vacuum.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Feb 19 - 08:28 PM

Nothing is truer than truth and nothing so volatile and evaporative.

The only quasi truth to your 'moon is made of green cheese tale' is the lower density of the moon at its core than near its surface. It has no dense core. It has no empty chamber full of volatile cheese gas. In a sense it has a thin candy shell that can actually ring like a bell when impacted. The moon formed without enough gravity to compact the near zero gravity free floating light weight debris. The most dense thing about the moon's core is water.
Taken as a whole the density of the averaged density of the entire volume of the moon is only a bit more dense than Romano cheese.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 18 Feb 19 - 08:07 PM

What a Muensterous way to go.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 18 Feb 19 - 06:59 PM

I'm not so sure about that black hole stuff, but I'm certain that if someone doesn't relieve all that lunar gas buildup, the moon is going to explode and the earth is going to be covered in Stinking Bishop cheese. That's gonna be an ELE, for sure. Those killed by flying cheese chunks will be the fortunate ones. Billions more will die from constipation after trying to eat their way out of a mile-high coating of cheese.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Feb 19 - 03:25 PM

BWL super moons are common but I'm still not sure of what super duper jupiter full moons are. You see I was browsing NOAA and learned about some new weather satellites that are dedicated to AK,CA and HA when my touch screen opened a site (unseen link) that listed preliminary reports. Going deeper I found an item called a possible Super Duper Jupiter moon this March due to an unusual alignment. I was immediately reminded of an obscure article from the ESA that an object seen only in infrared may be causing havoc in the orbital mechanics of some of the smaller moons around the outer gas giants. Ganymede and Titan do not seem to be involved. (stick a pin in this)


I know that small rogue black holes exist and would have an infrared signature like any black hole. Only confirmation of gravitational lensing of an object, obviously outside our solar system, in the vector of Jupiter as seen from Earth this March will confirm a super massive unseen object and if it is overall approaching us or not.

But for now this is not a forecast but merely speculation.
Wouldn't it be exciting if a small black hole starts flinging moons and planets around? Now thats what I call super weather. May we live in interesting times. Could this be an ELE or just a nuisance?


Indications of deliberate misdirection/misdiagnosis of various super gravitational super moons:
More telescopes claiming they are offline or re directing research.
Disappearence of data regarding gravitational annomalies in the outer solar system or the sun itself.
Availability of data from the re-aimed Keplar telecope and if it shows a brightening of the annomolous infrared signature.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Feb 19 - 03:01 PM

As in the Sherlock Holmes, Watson trope, Thanks keb - you solved the case.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: keberoxu
Date: 18 Feb 19 - 12:30 PM

a blue cheese blow-up?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 18 Feb 19 - 10:59 AM

The more frequent occurrence of "super moons" is due to the fact that the moon is simply growing larger every year. There is a giant gas bubble at the moon's core and it is expanding. It's a natural by-product of the fermentation of all that blue cheese. It's the reason humans are finally getting serious about returning to the moon after an almost fifty-year absence. If someone doesn't drill a hole to the lunar core to relieve all that pressure pretty soon, the whole thing might blow up.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: keberoxu
Date: 17 Feb 19 - 08:34 PM

A super snow moon?
Seems like it's been one super something moon after another.
Maybe we'll just get really high tides ...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Feb 19 - 08:27 PM

If anyone would know, he would. He's also a wasteagoodbeer and should be very careful around solvents (like alcohol and water) or he'll dissolve. Of course, he hasn't had any contact with water since he was a week old, and that was his baptism. Because the holy water sizzled when it touched him he was banned from all churches everywhere.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 17 Feb 19 - 06:11 PM

How about wasteaspace? As when Shane says, "Yer a wasteaspace, man!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Feb 19 - 05:36 PM

The word "snotpoopyhead" has never before been used here. Neither has "incardination" or tasseomancy or extospicy or ololygmancy. Britchin, mochila, maguey, deworm, pogonip, wheeler, and lots of other perfectly good English words haven't yet been used here. And those are just the ones used in polite company!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 17 Feb 19 - 03:58 PM

Most of the Schadenfreude around here has been at the expense of Shane McBride. It seems to be his primary function. He's just not perceptive enough to realize it.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 17 Feb 19 - 01:47 PM

Schadenfreude has certainly been used here. It's too much a part of the psyche of the place.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 17 Feb 19 - 11:27 AM

Or to put in simpler terms: "Ook! Ook!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Feb 19 - 10:38 PM

Oh, DOTTLE!!! Draconian concupiscence will ossify evanescent schadenfreude and in a paroxysm of sibilance silence penurious skullduggery.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 16 Feb 19 - 07:17 PM

And that, my fellow MOABites, was the first time the word "trepidatious" has been used on this thread! And it only took 58,500 posts to do it!

By contrast, "antanaclasis" has been used four times.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 16 Feb 19 - 06:02 PM

Weather has been good so far this winter. It's been rather mild and without big snowstorms. I wonder what Mom Nature and Old Man Winter are plotting. I fear they are up to something sinister. I fear March.

My driveaway is bare pavement and it's mid February. I can see over
the snowbanks when I pull out of my driveaway. Something is going to happen. I can just feel it. I'm trepidatious.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 16 Feb 19 - 04:55 PM

Amos met the Devil at the NC cross roads and was asked what he could do for him. 'Shall we make a trade?', "Yes if you are able", 'What will it be fame or fortune, perhaps power?' "No I already have those things in the form of friendships and songs." 'Hmm what could it be, I know - you want TIME!' "In a manner of speaking but it is a trade for the time I spent crafting posts on Mother of mudcat and apply all that precious time to my wife and friends maybe via PM AND apply any left over time ahead of me."
'Whoa I only have the power to change time and space from this day forward, this sounds like a miracle that my competitor is famous for. What you ask is a bigger deal than you know. There are too many lives that you've changed in the meantime to go back and undo every single life changed. ' Amos said "I'll tell you what, I'll trade my soul of golden threads - if you can finish the job and if you can't I'll keep my soul and time."
'Tempting, tempting, tempting'. "Are you the devil or not?" 'I'll tell you my appointment here comes with a kind of revolving door as long as I finish what I start - but never mind that...'YOUV'E GOT A DEAL'.
"thank you" 'Now sign here, good good god I mean very good, now how many posts over what period?' "65,000 over a quarter century." ' 65 THOUSAND OVER 25 @% YEARS ? ? SIXTY THOUSAND POSTS OVER TWENTY FIVE YEARS !!!' "no Thats over 65,000."
The devil gasped 'Oh my god I am ruined. Did she put you up to this?'
"I don't know"

If you begin to notice that things suddenly begin to improve or that the devil is preoccupied thank Amos for his lucky accident.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 16 Feb 19 - 12:49 PM

MOM, you need to take a handful of beautiful flowers and a fifth of something very good to Amos' house and tell him you hope he's well enough to visit us here one day soon.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Feb 19 - 09:09 PM

The Last Leaf

I saw him once before,
As he passed by the door,
And again
The pavement stones resound,
As he totters o'er the ground
With his cane.


They say that in his prime,
Ere the pruning-knife of Time
Cut him down,
Not a better man was found
By the Crier on his round
Through the town.


But now he walks the streets,
And looks at all he meets
Sad and wan,
And he shakes his feeble head,
That it seems as if he said,
"They are gone.
"

The mossy marbles rest
On the lips that he has prest
In their bloom,
And the names he loved to hear
Have been carved for many a year
On the tomb.


My grandmamma has said—
Poor old lady, she is dead
Long ago—
That he had a Roman nose,
And his cheek was like a rose
In the snow;

But now his nose is thin,
And it rests upon his chin
Like a staff,
And a crook is in his back,
And a melancholy crack
In his laugh.


I know it is a sin
For me to sit and grin
At him here;
But the old three-cornered hat,
And the breeches, and all that,
Are so *****!

And if I should live to be
The last leaf upon the tree
In the spring,
Let them smile, as I do now,
At the old forsaken bough
Where I cling.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 15 Feb 19 - 02:07 PM

Mom's on the bottom
Smoke 'em if ya got 'em...

No, wait! That doesn't make a bit of sense! Anyway, Mom's not on the bottom anymore. Now, she's at the top!

Mom's on the top
Hit her with a cow flop...

That doesn't make any sense either, but it gives us 24 hours to come up with something that does.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Feb 19 - 05:01 PM

A Pict Song

Rome never looks where she treads.   
   Always her heavy hooves fall   
On our stomachs, our hearts or our heads;   
   And Rome never heeds when we bawl.   
Her sentries pass on—that is all,
   And we gather behind them in hordes,   
And plot to reconquer the Wall,
   With only our tongues for our swords.

We are the Little Folk—we!
   Too little to love or to hate.   
Leave us alone and you’ll see
   How we can drag down the State!
We are the worm in the wood!
   We are the rot at the root!   
We are the taint in the blood!
   We are the thorn in the foot!

Mistletoe killing an oak—
   Rats gnawing cables in two—
Moths making holes in a cloak—
   How they must love what they do!   
Yes—and we Little Folk too,
   We are busy as they—
Working our works out of view—
   Watch, and you’ll see it some day!

No indeed! We are not strong,
   But we know Peoples that are.   
Yes, and we’ll guide them along
   To smash and destroy you in War!
We shall be slaves just the same?
   Yes, we have always been slaves,
But you—you will die of the shame,
   And then we shall dance on your graves!

       We are the Little Folk, we, etc.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 14 Feb 19 - 03:49 PM

Jeesh all these long posts.
I think it is certainly apparent by now that one of the things I enjoy in life is excess. I like things that are excessive. I like excessive behavior. Excessive language. Excessive nonsense. It’s fun. It’s interesting. It’s exciting and suspenseful unlike Keboroxu who is afraid of the weather. I like it when nature is excessive. That’s why I like natural disasters. All these natural disasters that have been going on. I love them. I can’t get enough of them. My all time favorite is the Japanese Tsunami that washed 5,000 Nissan Cubes out to sea. When nature’s going crazy, throwing things around, scaring people and destroying property, I’m a happy guy. I look at it this way, for centuries now man has done everything he can to destroy, defile and interfere with nature. Clear-cutting forests, strip-mining mountains, poisoning the atmosphere, over fishing the oceans, polluting the rivers and lakes. Destroying wetlands and aquifers. So when nature strikes back and smacks man in the head and kicks him in the nuts. I enjoy that. I have absolutely no sympathy for human beings whatsoever. None. And no matter what kind of problem humans are facing whether it’s natural or man made. I always hope it gets worse. Don’t you? Don’t you? Don’t you have a part of you, a part of you that secretly hopes everything gets worse? When you see a big fire on TV, don’t you hope it spreads? Don’t you hope it gets completely out of control and burns down six counties? You don’t root for a fireman, do you? I mean I don’t want him to get hurt or nothin’ but I don’t want him putting out my fire. That’s my fire. That’s nature showing off and having fun. Fires are small disasters tht can go out of control. You know something else I like? Those spring floods in the Midwest. Aren’t they great? Like clockwork. Spring floods now come anytime in the Midwest and now New England. But I’m starting to notice, I’m starting to catch on that every year it’s the same story. Another flood in the same place with the same people on the same man made Houston river. SAME FUCKING PEOPLE! And these people do not move. They will not fucking move. They repaint, put down new carpeting and wallpaper and they move right back into the same fucking house on the flood plain next to the river and then they wonder why grandma’s floating downstream with a parakeet on her head. Fourth time. Again. Fourth fucking time. There’s no learning curve with these people. It’s very hard to feel sorry for them. Every year same people. Same rowboats. Out there paddling around, rescuing a chicken. What kind of a life is that? “Well. Our kids love it here.” Oh, really. What do they got, gills? And while they’re showing all that action on the screen, the announcer is saying to me, “It’s been raining steadily for three months now. The ground can’t hold any more water. The river is cresting higher than it has in two centuries. The levies have washed away” and I just hope it keeps raining, and raining, and raining, and raining, and raining, and raining, and raining, and raining, and raining, and raining, and raining, and raining, and raining, and it rains steadily for five years. And then after that. For ten years it’s cloudy with occasional showers. And the river never returns to its natural banks. It becomes a completely new river. And the borders of three states have to be changed. And all the maps and atlases have to be redrawn and reprinted. And no one’s couch ever completely dries out. For years and years, every time they sit down, there’s always a little squish. “Dan. Linda. Come on in, you guys. Have a seat. Squish, squish.” I like that. I’m an interesting guy. I always hope that no matter how small the original problem is it’s going to grow into bigger and bigger proportions that get completely out of control. And I’ll give you a concrete example. Let’s say a water main breaks in downtown Los Angeles and it floods an electrical substation knocking out all the traffic lights and tying up the entire city and emergency vehicles can’t get through. And at the same time one of those month long global warming heat waves comes along but there’s no air conditioning. There’s no water for sanitation. So measles, cholera, small pox and dysentery break out and thousands of people start dying in the streets. But before they die, parasites eat their brains. And they go completely fucking crazy, and they storm the hospital. But the hospital can’t handle all the casualties. So these people rape all the nurses and set the hospital on fire. And the flames drive them even crazier so they start stabbing social workers and garbage men. And a big wind comes along and the entire city goes up in flames and the people who are still healthy they get mad at the sick people and they start crucifying them. Nailing them to crosses. Trying on their underwear, shit like that. Then everybody smokes crack and PCP and they march on city hall where they burn the mayor at the stake, strangle his wife and take turns sodomizing the statue of Robert Lee. And at this point, at this point it looks like pretty soon things are going to start to get out of control. So everybody panics and tries to leave the city at the same time. And they trample each other to death in the streets by the thousands and wild dogs eat their corpses. And the wild dogs chase the rest of the people down the highway. And one by one the dogs pick off the old fucks and the slow people because they’re in the fast lane where they don’t belong. Get the fuck out of the fast lane if you’re an old fuck, if you’re a slow fuck, get over on the right, get over on the right. And then, the lucky ones, the lucky people who manage to make it all the way outside of town they discover when they get there, the big sparks from the city have lit the suburbs on fire and the suburbs burn uncontrollably. And thousands of identical homes have identical fires with identical smoke killing all the identical soccer moms and their identical kids named Jason and Jennifer. And now. Now the fire spreads to the farmlands and the farmlands burn intensely of 425 degrees creating millions of baked potatoes. And as the farmlands burn. As the farmlands burn. Thousands of barns and farmhouses begin to explode from all hidden methamphetamine labs. And the meth chemicals and opioids run downhill into the rivers and streams where wild animals drink the water and get completely geeked out on speed. So bears and wolves amped up on crank start roaming the countryside looking for people to eat even though they’re not really hungry. Then the fire spreads to the forest. And the forest burn furiously. And hundreds of elves and trolls and fairies come running out of the woods screaming, “Bambi is dead. Bambi is dead!” And he is. He is. Finally. Bambi is dead. Dead. Now, hundreds of regional fires come together into one huge interstate inferno. And all 12 of the western United States are burning out of control except Utah where the Mormons don’t allow fires. And the fires spreads across the Great Plains toasting the wheat, cooking the cattle and producing hamburgers actually. Then it leaps to Mississippi and races through the Southern trailer parks blowing up stills and interrupting lynching’s and killing millions of inbred people. And then it turns northeast and it heads for Washington, D.C. Where Donald Trump can’t decide if it’s an emergency or not. He can’t decide if there was enough raking. He doesn’t know. Wow. Oh it’s hard work. You know. He can’t decide because his cabinet is in prison. So instead he takes a nap. He takes a nap. He puts his empty, fucking brainless head down on the little pillow his mother gave him at Christmas time and he takes a fucking nap! So the fire moves to Philadelphia but it’s a weekend and Philadelphia’s closed on the weekends. So the fire moves to New York City and the people of New York tell the fire to go fuck itself. “Go fuck yourself.” And it does. And it does. So instead it burns down Long Island and Connecticut killing all the rich white assholes and completely destroying their evil Faggoty golf courses. And while all this is going on, Canada burns to the ground but nobody notices. And now the entire North American continent is on fire producing a huge thermal updraft and creating an incendiary cyclonic macro system that forms a hemispheric mega storm breaking down the molecular structure of the atmosphere and actually changing the laws of nature. Fire and water combine. Burning clouds of flaming rain fall upward. Gamma rays and solar winds ignite the ionosphere creating huge clouds of ionized plasma. Bolts of lightning 20 million miles long begin shooting out of the North Pole. And the sky fills up with green shit. And then suddenly the entire fabric of space-time splits in two. A huge crack in the universe opens and all the dead people from the past begin falling through. Babe Ruth. Groucho Marx. Davy Crockett, Tiny Tim, Porky Pig, Hitler, Janis Joplin, Alan Ludden my Uncle Chris, your Uncle Chris. Everybody’s Uncle Chris. An endless stream of para people falling through the crack. And all the dead 'almost people' gather around a heavenly kitchen table. They light up cigarettes and they begin to talk. They talk about how they never got a break. How their parents didn’t love them. How Dr. Phil didn't help, and their children were ungrateful. They talk about how the government screwed them out of money and they just missed out on a big job. They say the Jews own everything, and the blacks get special treatment and how Mexicans and caravans of other immigrants who are one shade darker than themselves took jobs Uncle Chris wouldn't do in a thousand years. And all the hatred and bitterness drips out of these people and forms a big pool of liquid hate. And the pool of liquid hate begins to spin. Round and round it spins, faster and faster. And the faster it spins, the bigger it gets. Faster and faster. Bigger and bigger. Until the whirling pool of hate is HUGE and collapses into a black hole. Just what white bigots feared most. And that's 'kind of' where we are now . :^I


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