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BS: Jokes.

Apache 31 May 03 - 12:56 PM
Rapparee 31 May 03 - 02:45 PM
The Walrus 31 May 03 - 03:59 PM
dwditty 31 May 03 - 06:21 PM
Jim Dixon 17 Jun 03 - 10:24 PM
LadyJean 18 Jun 03 - 12:26 AM
Mr Red 18 Jun 03 - 06:08 AM
Teribus 18 Jun 03 - 06:40 AM
Uncle_DaveO 18 Jun 03 - 11:27 AM
Shields Folk 18 Jun 03 - 11:36 AM
Watson 18 Jun 03 - 11:56 AM
Rapparee 18 Jun 03 - 12:22 PM
Amos 18 Jun 03 - 08:51 PM
Shields Folk 19 Jun 03 - 12:59 PM
The Walrus 19 Jun 03 - 02:49 PM
GUEST,noddy 20 Jun 03 - 05:49 AM
GUEST 20 Jun 03 - 04:38 PM
Amos 20 Jun 03 - 05:25 PM
Bill D 20 Jun 03 - 09:35 PM
Bill D 20 Jun 03 - 09:36 PM
Louie Roy 20 Jun 03 - 11:35 PM
michaelr 21 Jun 03 - 12:35 PM
Laurent 21 Jun 03 - 07:23 PM
Bat Goddess 22 Jun 03 - 03:21 PM
Larkin 22 Jun 03 - 03:34 PM
Rapparee 22 Jun 03 - 08:06 PM
Bev and Jerry 23 Jun 03 - 01:25 AM
Mr Red 23 Jun 03 - 06:57 AM
Schantieman 23 Jun 03 - 12:05 PM
Jim Dixon 01 Jul 03 - 12:10 AM
Rapparee 29 Jul 03 - 06:06 PM
Cluin 29 Jul 03 - 06:16 PM
Ralphie 30 Jul 03 - 12:46 AM
GUEST,VOXFOX 30 Jul 03 - 01:37 PM
GUEST,voxfox 30 Jul 03 - 01:38 PM
Rapparee 30 Jul 03 - 02:24 PM
Bill D 30 Jul 03 - 03:46 PM
Sandra in Sydney 31 Jul 03 - 09:55 AM
Amos 31 Jul 03 - 12:24 PM
Kim C 01 Aug 03 - 10:11 AM
Forsh 01 Aug 03 - 12:08 PM
fogie 01 Aug 03 - 12:50 PM
Rapparee 01 Aug 03 - 01:15 PM
Kim C 01 Aug 03 - 01:21 PM
Chief Chaos 02 Aug 03 - 10:43 AM
Forsh 02 Aug 03 - 04:49 PM
Forsh 02 Aug 03 - 04:53 PM
Bert 02 Aug 03 - 05:18 PM
Forsh 02 Aug 03 - 06:17 PM
Amos 03 Aug 03 - 01:14 PM

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Subject: BS: Jokes.
From: Apache
Date: 31 May 03 - 12:56 PM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'


So what jokes do people know, c'mon, make me laugh, as rude and as crude as you want.

Ill start...

A policeman pulls over a man, late one night for drunk driving, the man gets out of the car obviously sober, the policeman ansks him to breathe into the bretherlator.

The man asks him why he pulled him over? "Was I weaving the lanes?" "Was my speed too high?"

The officers reply was "No, it was the fat, ugly bird in the passanger seat that had me suspicious."


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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 May 03 - 02:45 PM

It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

Who said, "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"?

Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class,

"Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares and asks, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Martinez says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble!"

Martinez said, "Saddam Hussein 2003."

---------------
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in its ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub in it's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says, "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know I'm using it on my schnauzer." The druggist says "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

----------------
George W Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk, he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and George asks him what his name is.

"Billy"

"And what is your question, Billy?"

"I have three questions: First - why is the USA invading Iraq without the support of the UN? Second - why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?; and third - whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess. George W. Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume George says, "Okay where were we? Oh that's right - question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts his hand; George points him out and asks him what his name is.

"Steve."

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"I have five questions: First - why is the USA invading Iraq without the support of the UN? Second - why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?; Third - whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?; Fourth -- why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?; and Fifth - what happened to Billy?"

--------------

Once upon a time, a female brain cell mistakenly wandered into a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled: "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Finally, she heard a voice from far, far away:
        "Hello...we're down here..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: The Walrus
Date: 31 May 03 - 03:59 PM

Three men and a woman turn up at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter looks at the woman and asks her how she died.

"I was at home when my husband burst into the apartment, shouting and swearing, accusing me of adultery, demanded to know where my lover was. Then he hit me, I fell backward, hit my head and fractured my skull."

St. Peter turns to the first man, "And you?"

"I'm her husband," says man No. 1, "I came home in a rage. I was convinced she had her lover in the flat. Yes I hit her, but I didn't know I'd killed her. I searched the flat. I'm sure he was there, but I couldn't find him. Then, in my rage and frustration, I threw the refrigerator out of the window. The effort was too much and I had a fatal heart attack".

St. Peter grunted and turned to the second man.

"There I was," said the second man, "walking down the street, minding my own business, when I was hit by a fridge thrown from a fourth floor window, it killed me."

St. Peter was looked at the third man and merely raised an eyebrow.

"Ah!" says man No. 3. "There I was, minding my own business, sitting in this fridge..."

I won't bother getting my coat, it's warm enough.

Walrus.


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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: dwditty
Date: 31 May 03 - 06:21 PM

Two hydrogen atoms were walking down the street. One pulled up short, patting himself and said to his friend. "Damn, I must have dropped an electron." His friend said, "Are you sure?" The first atom replied, "Yeah, I'm positive."

dw


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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 17 Jun 03 - 10:24 PM

A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.

They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the redneck.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the redneck took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the redneck had ever seen. She was in a bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, and a warm gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Soon, the redneck started to get "those feelings" again.

He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in, leaned over to the young woman cautiously, and whispered in her ear, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: LadyJean
Date: 18 Jun 03 - 12:26 AM

George W. Bush and his brother Jeb went down to Florida, on a fishing trip. Their first stop on this fishing trip was Madame Lucille's New Orleans Style House Of Whoopee. Madame Lucille was delighted to have two such distinguished guests, but she said, "Mr. President, Mr. Governor, I don't want my girls to get pregnant, so I want you to wear these condoms."
A couple of days later, George and Jeb were out in their boat fishing. It was a warm day. The sun was reflecting off the water. They were both pretty hot. George said to his brother, "Jeb, do you really care if those whores get pregnant?" "No," said Jeb. "Great! George said. "Lets take the condoms off".


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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Mr Red
Date: 18 Jun 03 - 06:08 AM

In a sectret (large) hotel somwhere near the Syrian border the annual convention of Sadman look-alikes is in session.

"OK guys, good news and bad news." (amid cheers) "Saddam is alive"
"and the bad news........." (silence) "is, he has lost an arm............."


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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Teribus
Date: 18 Jun 03 - 06:40 AM

Sometimes it does take a Rocket Scientist:

During the testing phase of the Concorde, the scientists involved had to make a gun to fire dead birds at the cockpit windows of the aircraft to simulate the effect of "bird-strike". They duly made the gun and used dead chickens as a representative sized bird. The tests went well.

At the same time in America they were developing a high speed train. Hearing of the British trials, one of their team noted that the landing speed of Concorde was roughly that of the train they wanted to build so they asked the engineers if they could have a gun to perform the same tests on the cabin windows of the locomotive.

The gun was delivered, set up and they carried out the first test. The American engineers were aghast when the chicken smashed through the drivers cab window, completely destroyed the back-rest of the drivers chair and embedded itself in the aft bulkhead of the drivers cabin.

They went over all the test data, and not coming up with a reason for the test result, they submitted their test data, reems and reems of it, to British Aerospace in case they could come up with an explanation.

In reply they received a one line memo:

DEFROST THE CHICKEN.


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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Jun 03 - 11:27 AM

Jogging Shoes
--------------
Deciding to take up jogging, the middle-aged man was astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports shoe store. While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoe, he noticed a minor feature and asked the clerk about it.

"What's this little pocket thing here on the side for?"

"Oh, that's to carry spare change so you can call your wife to come pick you up when you've jogged too far."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Please Pronounce
-----------------
Two tourists were driving through Nova Scotia. As they were approaching a town called Tatamagouche, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the name.

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"

The blonde leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr... gerrrrrr ... Kiiiing!


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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Shields Folk
Date: 18 Jun 03 - 11:36 AM

My mate found a young woman tied up on a railway line last night.He untied her and had amazing sex all night.

He's hoping for a blow job tonight if he can find her head....


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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Watson
Date: 18 Jun 03 - 11:56 AM

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the groom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "Ewwww---what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"

"I had tolio as a child, " he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked.

"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing.
When the groom took off his trousers, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose.

"What's wrong with you knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.

"You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess....."Small Cox?


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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Jun 03 - 12:22 PM

A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment.

As he stood there, he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.

After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing.

"Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?"

"Ah, those . . ." Satan said with a groan. "They're all from Ohio. They're still way too cold and wet to burn."


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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Amos
Date: 18 Jun 03 - 08:51 PM

These are the winners of a New York magazine contest in which
contestants were to take a well-known expression in a foreign language,
change a
single letter, and provide a definition for the new expression.

HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS
Can you drive a French motorcycle?

EX POST FUCTO
Lost in the mail

VENI, VIPI, VICI
I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered

COGITO EGGO SUM
I think; therefore I waffle

RIGOR MORRIS
The cat is dead

RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID
Honk if you're Scottish

QUE SERA SERF
Life is feudal

LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI
The king is dead. No kidding.

PRO BOZO PUBLICO
Support your local clown

MONAGE A TROIS
I am three years old

FELIX NAVIDAD
Our cat has a boat

HASTE CUISINE
Fast French food

VENI, VIDI, VICE
I came, I saw, I partied

QUIP PRO QUO
Fast retort

ALOHA OY
Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you would never know

VISA LA FRANCE
Don't leave your chateau without it

AMICUS PURIAE
Platonic friend

L'ETAT, C'EST MOO
I'm bossy around here

COGITO, ERGO SPUD
I think, therefore I yam
(OK, more than one letter)

VENI, VIDI, VELCRO
I came, I saw, I stuck around
(OK, another exception)

ICH BIT EIN BERLINER
He deserved it.

ZITGEIST
The Clearasil doesn't quite cover it up.

E PLURIBUS ANUM
Out of any group, there's always one asshole.


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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Shields Folk
Date: 19 Jun 03 - 12:59 PM

A bloke sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back garden.

The bloke goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Sure do." the dog replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told MI5 about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."

"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded loads of medals.

Had a wife, a few puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The geezer is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten quid."

The bloke says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Cause he's a f**king liar. He's never done any of that stuff ...


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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: The Walrus
Date: 19 Jun 03 - 02:49 PM

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the forest when she saw the Wolf crouching behind a rock,
"Oh My, Mister Wolf" she said, "What big ears you have!".
The wolf looked up and ran up the path.
A little further on she saw the wolf crouching behind a bush,
"Oh my, Mr Wolf, what big eyes you have!"
The wolf looked up and ran a little way up the track.
A few minutes later sshe saw the wolf trying to hide behind a tree,
"Oh my, Mr Wolf, What big teeth you have!"
The wolf looked up, bared his teeth and said,
"Beat it Kid, I'm trying to take a crap!".


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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: GUEST,noddy
Date: 20 Jun 03 - 05:49 AM

A cruise liner sinks and everyone dies except for the magicians two rabbits who float ashore on a desert island in the top hat.
The island is paradise for rabbits excellent food ,no predators just good rabbit living.So rabbits do what rabbits do and soon there are twelve bouncing baby bunny rabbits ..all female. the Buck rabbit cares for them and soon he does what rabbits do. But all being family he is very polite and always says "Thank you madam, Thank you Madam after each time.
Soon they to have twelve bouncing baby bunny rabbits and again ALL female. So on he goes getting fitter and stronger he runs round the island and shouts thankyou madam, thank you madam thank you madam all day long every day.
Now each and every one of the rabbits has twelve bouncing baby bunny rabbits and again all are female.
The buck is in heaven running round the island "Thank you madam thank you madam thank you madam thank you madam thank you madam thank you madam..... all day long.
Eventually he has a baby boy bouncing bunny rabbit . His pride and joy and he brings him up a polite good boy bunny rabbit. Then comes the day the son is ready to do what rabbits do. Daddy rabbit says "now son remember your manners they are all family so ALWAYS say thank you madam."
"Yes dad Yes Dad Can I start now Yes Dad". His enthusiasm was obvious.

"Right what we will do is I will go round this way and you go round that way and Always say Thank you madam." says daddy rabbit and off they go.

"YEs Dad Yes Dad" and off he shot.

Daddy rabbit was steady Thank you madam .. thank you madam.. thank you madam... thank you madam...

Baby rabbit was going like a train.. thankyou madam thankyou madam thankyou madam thankyou madam sorry dad thank you madam .


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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: GUEST
Date: 20 Jun 03 - 04:38 PM

refresh ;-)


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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Amos
Date: 20 Jun 03 - 05:25 PM

Yo, Firecat -- tell'em the one about the Secret Agent trial...


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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Bill D
Date: 20 Jun 03 - 09:35 PM

People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."


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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Bill D
Date: 20 Jun 03 - 09:36 PM

A farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Kenny seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Kenny takes off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.

After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Kenny is in there.

Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese.

By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Kenny on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says,
"Shhhh...they're getting closer."


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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Louie Roy
Date: 20 Jun 03 - 11:35 PM

A lady walks into a record store and asks the clerk in he had red lips and blue eyes.He said no mam,but I have two balls and six inches.She said is that a record and he said no but it is a damn good average


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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: michaelr
Date: 21 Jun 03 - 12:35 PM

A woman walks into a drug store and asks for batteries.

The clerk waggles a crooked forefinger and says, "Come this way."

The woman says, "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need batteries."


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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Laurent
Date: 21 Jun 03 - 07:23 PM

From Belgium.

French people usually laugh three times.

First when you tell them a joke, next when you explain it and last when they understand it.


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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Bat Goddess
Date: 22 Jun 03 - 03:21 PM

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wakeup, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him, "Midnight." He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'Oh, shit,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted."


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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Larkin
Date: 22 Jun 03 - 03:34 PM

There's two old guys sitting in a bar and one says 'I just got a job' What is it? asks the other. "I'm working in the gents at piccadilly"
Oh how is it ? says the other guy. " Horrible and disgusting , there's guys cruisin guys and condoms everywhere, there's junkies shooting up and needles everywhere. Y'know last week a guy came in for a shit - It was like a breath of fresh air !


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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Jun 03 - 08:06 PM

One of the locals, man name o' Jake, came in around 2 a.m., stinkin' drunk, from a poker game with the boys. He knew that he was going to catch hell if his wife found out when he came in -- he figgered he could explain away the hangover as a touch of flu.

Jake quietly closed the door and decided to take off his shoes before he went upstairs. It'd be quieter.

He knew that he'd made a big mistake as soon as he sat down on the step. The empty pint bottle in his back pocket let him know that.

Jake didn't scream. He quietly went into the downstairs bathroom and, with great difficulty, pulled out all of the broken glass and gave himself first aid. He then removed his shoes and managed to get upstairs into bed without awakening his wife.

Next thing he knew was when the bucket of cold mopwater hit him. It was 6:30 and his wife was holding the empty bucket.

"So!" she yelled. "You came in drunk again last night! And don't bother to deny it!!

Jake held his head in both hands. For obvious reasons he'd been sleeping on his back, and now she hit his very sensitive gluteal area with the broom!

With a yell he jumped to his feet, a move that nearly killed him.

"Yes! I came in drunk! I'm sorry! I suffered for it! I sat on an empty bottle! I was drunk! But...but...how did you know?" he stammered.

"Because," she said, "I just looked in the downstairs bathroom and there are bandaids all over the mirror."


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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Bev and Jerry
Date: 23 Jun 03 - 01:25 AM

George Bush was giving a press conference and one of the reporters asked, "Why did we go to war in Iraq?" Dubya looked down at the note cards that had been carefully prepared for him and one of them had only the number 710 on it so he said, "We had 710 good reasons to go to war in Iraq." Then Ari Fleischer leaned over to him and said, "Sir, I believe you're holding that card upside down."

Bev and Jerry


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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Mr Red
Date: 23 Jun 03 - 06:57 AM

Bat Goddess

Bit unfair that one - I am in a very public library and I just wanted to hoot with laughter. Guess I will just have wait till I get home.


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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Schantieman
Date: 23 Jun 03 - 12:05 PM

Bill D's rooster joke is reminiscent of the late lamented Jake Thackeray's Bantam Cock.   LOL :-D

Steve


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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 01 Jul 03 - 12:10 AM

At O'Hare airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public-school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in the possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.

Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.


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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Jul 03 - 06:06 PM

A crusty old Marine Corps colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the colonel for conversation.

She said, “Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?”

“No,” the colonel said, “just serious by nature!”

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations, and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”

The colonel’s short reply was, “Yes, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little—relax and enjoy yourself.”

The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”

The colonel looked at her and replied, “1955.”

She said, “Well, there you go! You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously. I mean, no sex since 1955—isn’t that a little extreme?”

The colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, “Oh, I don’t know. It’s only 2130 now!”


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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Cluin
Date: 29 Jul 03 - 06:16 PM

Must've been told by a Marine Corps Drill Sargent then.


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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Ralphie
Date: 30 Jul 03 - 12:46 AM

Please tell me, where am I going to buy old guitars now that the Americans have eliminated "E-Bay Hussein"?


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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: GUEST,VOXFOX
Date: 30 Jul 03 - 01:37 PM

Two Newfies walk into a pub, standing at the bar drinking beer and talking about world affairs. Suddenly a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a codfish sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the guys looks at her and says," Kin yer swaller?"   She shakes her head. "Kin yer breathe?" The woman bsgins to turn blue and shakes her head.   The Newfie walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her panties and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Newfie walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind-Lick maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it before!" :o) VF


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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: GUEST,voxfox
Date: 30 Jul 03 - 01:38 PM

My cookie's been stolen again!!!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Jul 03 - 02:24 PM

An American tourist in London found himself needing to go to the
bathroom something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't
find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of
the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping,
a London police officer showed up.

"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.

"I'm sorry," the American replied, but I really gotta go."

"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass,
pretty flowers, and manicured hedges.

"Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."

The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started
urinating on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning
toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this
British courtesy?"

"No," retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."


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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Bill D
Date: 30 Jul 03 - 03:46 PM

Senior Citizen Wedding

George, age 92, and Alice, age 89, are excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. George suggests they go in. George addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers "Yes".

George: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

George: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

George: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? "

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

George: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

George: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

George: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

George: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

George says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please."


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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 31 Jul 03 - 09:55 AM

Found at :

I'll never look at spam the same way again...

MARKETING 101

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and
say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
-- That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a
handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and
pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed."
-- That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him, and
get his telephone number. The next day you call and say,
"Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
-- That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and
straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a
drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his
tie
brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then
say,
"By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
-- That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to
you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
-- That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him
into going home with your friend.
-- That's a Sales Rep

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
-- That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that
there could be handsome men in all these houses you're
passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated
toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs,
"I'm fantastic in bed!"
-- That's Spam.


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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Amos
Date: 31 Jul 03 - 12:24 PM

LOL!

A


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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Kim C
Date: 01 Aug 03 - 10:11 AM

All right, I post this one everytime, but it really is my favorite dumb little joke. For some strange reason it never fails to elicit at least a snicker.

Q. Why were the Three Wise Men all covered in soot?

A. Because they'd come from afar.


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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Forsh
Date: 01 Aug 03 - 12:08 PM

My mate asked me what a shitz tsu was (if that's how it's spelled), before I could reply, Dan chips in with "one with no Animals" !


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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: fogie
Date: 01 Aug 03 - 12:50 PM

From Harry Potter- Sirius and Harry are in the Ministry of magic when two wizards come by carrying a cardboard box. Sirius asks them what is in the box, and they reply Now thats a very good question ,we thought it was a bog standard chicken till it started breathing fire. (I really liked that)


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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Aug 03 - 01:15 PM

There are only 10 types of people in this world: those who understand binary and those who don't.

----------------

Bumper sticker on a Volkswagen: FEATURE.




...now let's see how may REAL geeks are on the 'Cat!


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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Kim C
Date: 01 Aug 03 - 01:21 PM

Shih Tzu. And everyone says it wrong. It's Shee-Soo... not shitzoo.


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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Chief Chaos
Date: 02 Aug 03 - 10:43 AM

Shih Tsu is as bad as Bijon Freise which my friends all pronounce
Bitchin Frisbee!


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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Forsh
Date: 02 Aug 03 - 04:49 PM

Yeah Kim. I know, But it aint funny that way. My wife ruins all my jokes too. Funny, she's called... Kim, is that you?


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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Forsh
Date: 02 Aug 03 - 04:53 PM

Hey, Bill D,   to quote my old man, 'That Reminds Me of A song: Bantam Cock , by Jake Thakerey or sumfin like dat.

If at first you don't succeed, ..
Hide all evidence that you even tried.


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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Bert
Date: 02 Aug 03 - 05:18 PM

LOL Rapaire, Oops, does that make me a geek?


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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Forsh
Date: 02 Aug 03 - 06:17 PM

For A laf, for blokes mainly, try this site:CLICK ME


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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Amos
Date: 03 Aug 03 - 01:14 PM

LOL, Rapaire. That Volswagen joke is pretty good!

A


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