BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts

Subject: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: katlaughing
Date: 11 Jul 03 - 11:08 AM

Ah, here 'tis, the Ship's Tavern, all spit and polish, well as well as can be expected amongst this lot and me, Kat O'Nine, (no not lashes, me father had a sense of humour, ya see, didn't know i'd have me nine sailor hoosbands before the briny deep took him, too,) offering the Haunt of Loooooooooong John Silver a pint o' our best! Came on out 'ere, Johnny darlin', I hardly knew ya, but for more o' your tales, ah could get real friendly!

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: GUEST
Date: 11 Jul 03 - 11:14 AM

As I walked out one may morning, one May morning so free
I overheard a fair pretty maid, a-weepin' by the sea
I stepped up to this fair pretty maid, sayin'

"Whatever can the matter be?"

She jumped in surprise,
and she wiped her eyes,

and then she said to me...

My Johnny is a sailor lad, and he sails over the wave
He loves me very tenderly and all his pay he saves
And we are to be marry-ed when next he comes to shore

But it's been two years,
and I do fear
That he sails the ocean floor!

I stepped up to that fair pretty maid, and to her I did explain
"That sailor lad you're weepin' for? I am the very same!
I've come to claim my own true love! And Johnny is me name...."

This always works in the movies....

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Micca
Date: 11 Jul 03 - 02:13 PM

'TWAS on the shores that round our coast
                From Deal to Ramsgate span,
                That I found alone on a piece of stone
                An elderly naval man.

                His hair was weedy, his beard was long,
                And weedy and long was he,
                And I heard this wight on the shore recite,
                In a singular minor key:

                "Oh, I am a cook and a captain bold,
                And the mate of the NANCY brig,
                And a bo'sun tight, and a midshipmite,
                And the crew of the captain's gig."

                And he shook his fists and he tore his hair,
                Till I really felt afraid,
                For I couldn't help thinking the man had been drinking,
                And so I simply said:
               
               "Oh, elderly man, it's little I know
                Of the duties of men of the sea,
                And I'll eat my hand if I understand
                However you can be

                "At once a cook, and a captain bold,
                And the mate of the NANCY brig,
                And a bo'sun tight, and a midshipmite,
                And the crew of the captain's gig."

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: GUEST,Loooooooooong John Sliver
Date: 11 Jul 03 - 02:38 PM

Blow me down if this Tavern Wench hasn't gone and invited in me old nemysis, Long John SiLver! And he the one who took off me right leg and most near stole me name, and then got rich and joined the squireens when he got the money from Walt Disney fer mockin' me in that moven pichure! Why, he couldn't ever outdo Loooooooooong John SLiver, no, not in drinkin' or in fightin' or in wenchin'! No, and not in parts missin', either! Here I stand, missin' me leg and me hand and me arm and me eye and me toes and me appendix and me umbilicus, but with the important parts still there and in fine workin' order and the Tavern Wench has to invite that bit of slimy bilgewater, that bit of whale shite, that disgrace to the Spanish Main, someone who can't hold his rum and is so clapped out that his privy member was taken off for the health of cabin boys the world around!

And me the one who gave his all for ship and shipmates, to be so insulted. Why, is like being called a landlubber! Fie upon ye, Wench! Fie!

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Dave Swan
Date: 11 Jul 03 - 02:51 PM

A grizzled fisherman enters the tavern twitching, jumping, unable to stand still. He calls for a kettle of boiling water from the kitchen, pours it down the front of his oilskin trousers...screams. Bellowing and dancing like an organ grinder's money on a griddle he produces a belaying pin and smacks the front of his trousers repeatedly, with a vengance. Reeling, trying not to pass out, he pulls a handful of lemon wdges off the bar and squeezes them down his pants. Finally, with a sigh of relief and contentment, he produces a morsel of white flesh.

Kat o' Nine has seen it all before. "Crabs again Smitty?"

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: GUEST
Date: 11 Jul 03 - 02:58 PM

*ouch!*

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Amos
Date: 11 Jul 03 - 03:11 PM

That'd be Forecastle Smitt, the White Foreskin Supremacist from the Starboard Watch, would it? The one who refuses to step to the port side of the helm no matter what? I think he was driven out of a small town near Pretoria, and ran to sea. Heard there was good money in crabbing. Been at it ever since...


A

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 11 Jul 03 - 03:17 PM

Fisherman, Fisherman, just got in from sea;

How you got some crab that you can sell to....


On second though - no, forget I asked...

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: katlaughing
Date: 11 Jul 03 - 03:40 PM

Aside: LMAOWTRDMF!! Bravo, all!! And, now...

Beggin' yer parDon, Sir SLiver, but I'm a bold wench, and a canny wench, but me dislechsia kicks in and then I've to defend m'self with a real cat'o'nine when some'un fergits 'imself an' cames at me wid sich wards! Stand awae, Sir, lest I do ye mischeef, for me daddy also schooled me in the finer ahrts of lashing lest I get bothered too much by the likes a'ye! And, 'ere I was offerin' ye a dram, makin' n'onest mistake o'the name!

The rst of ya lads, belly-oop, the squids are squished, yer safe 'ere and drinks 're on the 'ouse, doubles fer them fine po-etz!

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 11 Jul 03 - 03:55 PM

(aside - gotta ask...WTRDMF?)

*pets the eightlegged feline sleeping at the bar*

I'm about to take passage on a ship - I foget the name, but I do need some bracing up before we board. I hear the crew is on their ninth vessel in barely 18 months!

Not particularly looking forward to the voyage - though I hear their navigator is quite good with a tin whistle.

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Gareth
Date: 11 Jul 03 - 04:08 PM

"Arrrh!", a crimp walks through the door, "Well Me Harties, Isa looking for four seamen to ship aboard a sheep transport, bound fur far Australia."

A pounding of feet. The crimp lies flat across the door. Silly Man! NOT the anouncment to make in a Cardiff Dockside Pub.

Gareth

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 11 Jul 03 - 04:16 PM

By a lonely tavern wall, they heard a young ewe call-all-ing!
Saying Daffyd they have led you all astray!

Hic!

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Amos
Date: 11 Jul 03 - 04:19 PM

[WTRDMF must be "while tears run down my fingers", don't you think?]

A

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 11 Jul 03 - 04:25 PM

With Tremors Rampaging Destroying My Fingers?

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Amos
Date: 11 Jul 03 - 05:37 PM

Poor MM doesn't know which Tavern is whch so he keeps getting his identities crossed up. Rough life, virtual polymorphism!

A

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: katlaughing
Date: 11 Jul 03 - 05:43 PM

(I forgot the other one was going! With Tears Running Down My Face!)

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: GUEST,Looooooooooooong John Sliver
Date: 11 Jul 03 - 05:45 PM

Ah, Wench, you should have told old Looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong John that ye were dyslickick at times! He'd have forgiven ya right off, but no, ye had to go and offend him, even tho ye might not have meant to or known that ye were. But old Loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong John will forgive ya. Now, will ye put down that cat? Whipping it around like ye are, there's fur getting in all drinks. That's a good lass.

Now, Old Looooooooooooooooong John used ta be a dab hand with a cutlass, a boardin' pike, a scimitar, a snickersnee, a snickersbar, and a fouling piece, back after he got himself blown up and all. Argh, I remember once, 'twas on the old "Jolly Thundermug," bound out of Juan de Fucha (named for a Spanish mate o' mine who was named for his best trait, which was why the water near the town was called the Trait of Juan de Fucha), with Old Vanderdekker as the Cap'n. She was a trim craft, she was, mountin' two 36 pounders, four 18 pounders, eighteen 4 pounders, thirty-six 2 pounders, a quarter pounder, and two happy meals. Jacques Fries -- we called him "Frenchy" o' course -- was the mate, and a finer man ever trod the deck. Myself, I was signed on as Ship's Ghost.

We were sailin' under a letter of Mark's, which he'd written to his mum explainin' why it was that he, a fine lad of some 34 years, hadn't married and settled down yet ta raise a crop of grandchildren for her. We were thirty months outbound, red to the left, before we cleared the mouth of harbor and sailed smack into the worst gale that I ever clapped me eye on! She'd blow from abaft, she'd blow from larb'rd, she'd blow from starb'rd, she'd blow from dead ahead. Why, half the time she was blowin' straight up or straight down, and sometimes all directions at once. Frightful, it was.

Old Van (as we called the Cap'n) stumped the foredeck, tortured, torn between, wantin' to turn back, wantin' to sail on, but locked by the wind and tossed high and low on the seas like a dead leaf in a whirlpool. Ah, mateys, a time it was then, with the crew aloft reefin' sail, setting sail, close reefin', half reefin', and all the while cussin' Van until the white sails were stained a deep ocean blue. Now and again ye'd see one of 'em, their hands wet and frozen from the gale, break off their finger and go fallin' below into the hold, landing head foremost on the cargo o' mattresses we were takin' to Eek.

Aye, they'd land on 'em, poor mates, and bounce right out of the hold, too, and back over the taffrail and into the jollyboat. Why, after a couple of hours the whole crew was behind the ship, and Van was still shoutin' orders at the wind!

After some thirteen or twelve hours o' this, the painter to the jollyboat parted and the crew was set adrift, drawin' farther and farther from the "Jolly Thundermug". As they drifted more and more astern, ye could hear sounds of gaiety come faintly over the water as the boat got more and more jolly.

But there was only the Cap'n and me left on the ship, and he was tryin' t'order me aloft, and the gale such that it would blow me away, wraith that I am, and I sittin' calm on the barrel of a long gun, smokin' me twist and now and then salutin' the cap'n, jest to let him know what I still thought of 'im.

Finally, he roars, "I'll get this cargo through if I have to sail through Hell to do it!" and the water got glass smooth all of a sudden and I knew that Van was in for it. "I'm not one to desert me mates," thinks I to meself, "but they're all in the jolly boat, miles astern, and a Captain that talks like that I want no part of." So I blivalated, vanishing all at once before his very eyes, and watched from near the crow's nest above as a shoot of flame came on the deck and a voice like thunder, but evil, said, "Vanderdekken, you shall have your wish. You will sail the Trait of Juan de Fucha until the End of Time, always lost, but always trying to deliver your cargo as you contracted to do! You have but one hope, and that is if someone will, at your asking, volunteer you the directions to Eek."

And the fire swirled and whirled and shot straight up, and you never before saw the face of Captain be so sick, so damned and knowing it, as that of Old Van.

Mateys and you, too, Lass, if ever you're out on the Trait of Juan de Fucha and you hear a mournful voice crying, "Eek? Eek?" and you think it's the riggin', pay no attention to it, for it's just Van, hailin'.

Now, how about some good rum to take the chill out of me old bones, what's left of 'em?

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Charley Noble
Date: 11 Jul 03 - 05:47 PM

With a squish and a slosh Squigley the Giant Squid comes through the door and makes his way to the bar. In sign language he demands eight cans of grog, along with a plate of raw onions and sharp cheddar cheese. He's clearly had a trying day at the brookerage firm where he works across the harbor. He pulls out from his backpack his laptop and with a couple of tentacles, boots 'er up, and then accesses the following song:

Smiling grog is the sailor's best hope, his sheet anchor,
His compass, his cable, his log,
That gives him a heart which life's care cannot canker;
Though dangers around him
Unite to confound him,
He braves them, and tips off his grog,
'Tis grog, only grog,
Is his rudder, his compass, his cable, his log,
The sailor's sheet anchor is grog!

He clicks on an MP3 file and then pulls out a concertina, a banjo, and a boran and begins to accompany the song.

Cheerily,
Charley Noble

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Gareth
Date: 11 Jul 03 - 07:21 PM

And from the Jolly Boat astern comes a plantive chorus of :-

"I thought I heard the Old Man say,
Leave her Johnny, leave her, ....."

Gareth

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: katlaughing
Date: 11 Jul 03 - 07:36 PM

Well, alright, thet was a damn fine yarn, so I guess I c'n lay off for a bit, but mind ye, Sir, Looooooooooooooooooooooong John SLiver, no shenaneeg'ns 'er I'll let ye have it! C'mon an' wet yer whistle and let's have s'more o' them tunes, me boyos! Soundin' good!!

She'd sixteen guns and a cat o'nine
But her daddy didn't send her out to sea
He said, gal ya got to keep your mind
Off those shanty men and stay right here with me
O a-dum dye-dee-dum didly ay-o-day, stay right here with me...

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: GUEST,Loooooooooooooooooooooong John Sliver
Date: 12 Jul 03 - 10:37 AM

Kat, lash, I'd never do naught that might offend a fine woman like yerself. At least not a-purposeful.

Ye might like ta pop over ta the Giant Squid, as I've set 'em straight there about what washed ashore. An' they treated me to a mighty good and mighty big bit o' spirits there, too, and I'm certain sure that ye wouldn't want to be outdone by that load of lubbers now, would ye now?

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Alba
Date: 12 Jul 03 - 12:09 PM

Har me hearties I see that Wild Rory the Harpoonist off the Lucky Lucy has set imself up near the Fire there with a Tankard of Kat o Nine's finest Rum and is offering ti be doin a bit of peircin! which one of you fine Mates will be first, tis only a Buc-an ear!

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Billy the Bus
Date: 13 Jul 03 - 12:12 AM

An icy blast, fresh from the Great Southern Ocean, sweeps through the Katz-Bar, as a lanky, legless, hairy git lurches in, seeking his land legs. "Well, Peg-me-leg!" he says gazing at the barmaid, who has eyes like limpet pools. "You're a tidy bit of how's-ya-father!"

She cracked like a whiplash. "I'm Kat-o-nine, and this bar WAS tidy until you walked in. Furthermore, even though it's none of your business, Pa is doing fine, thank you very much."

The git gasped and came out with a whaler's oath, which I can't repeat here, except in the form of crossposted crossword clues.

1. What is the sea-going mammal we seek? (5)
2. What is the product we sell? GWB likes it too (3)
3. What is 'salt jerky' made from? (4)
4. The start of an aquatic 8-leg cat (3)

Git the words and say 'em aloud you gits, and you'll git the gist of the jest. Anyway....

The hairy git took out his glass eye, and went to polish it on the seat of his pants, which wasn't there. "Bollocks!" he quipped, and dunked his eye into Looooooooong John's pint of spiritual spirits, which true to his name was only a SLiver of a shot. In fact it was so short it would have no effect on anyone's liver. Screwing his eye back into it's socket (thread creep coming on here) he peered glassily over the bar.

"Why, swelp me!" he said. "Verily, it is indeed the wee tart who sent the messsge in the bottle (which was empty)! I'm here m'dear, but I knead a massage to get me going. Well, an alcohol rub would do."

"Tanks for the Tankard Kat" SLURP.... "Now that's me staple diet. My trip is a long yarn, and may get woolly, so I'll just make an introduction... Leaving Home.."

"Kat-o-Mine, as well you know...

I'm from the Southern Oceans
Chock full of crazy notions.
Just the mention of a bottle,
Makes me peg-leg want to toddle

So, here we are... The biggest problem was gittin' away from home and the Roaring 40s. Ummm....

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Amos
Date: 13 Jul 03 - 12:40 AM

Whale. Oil. Beef. Hooked!   I really never thought I would see ole Kat None come outta retirement!! But she's doing a brisk business, and still knows the lines, so to speak. I'm bound out for the Southern Oceans, myself. Just heard about a tavern by the sand there which sounds worth the looking. And ya know, I need a refreshing change of venue for the guid o' me soul, certes.

So fare thee well, old tallywhackers and gimbal-dancers, a toast to the toasting, and sweets for the sweetings, and devil may have the hind-most and welcome. Here's a sea chest with my name on it, and a shoulder for throwing it up on, and a door for exiting anon...blessings on all your houses, now and forevermore. Just hand me that dreadnought, there's a good lass...


A

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Billy the Bus
Date: 13 Jul 03 - 12:44 AM

Lang may ya lum reek, Amos

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 13 Jul 03 - 03:31 AM

Er.... 9 voyages in 18 months - did it ever occur to you that they might be the B crew on the Mersey Ferry?

Ah well, a sailor ain't a sailor ain't a sailor any more.

What is the price of crabs today?


That much?

Hey, Smitty, you're a millionaire!

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Billy the Bus
Date: 13 Jul 03 - 03:58 AM

Liz,

The current price of crabs in the anti-podes is two shillings and threepence per leg. How many legs have you got, gal... Otherwise Leggo, and let me play with myself!

What thread am I in - I'm getting knotted, you knutters..

Samnobuent

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 13 Jul 03 - 04:47 AM

I have the standard amount of legs, as issued by the manufacturer.

And I try not to eat anything that has more limbs than I do.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Amos
Date: 13 Jul 03 - 10:37 AM

And what the Manufacturer has issued, let no man spread asunder.

A

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: GUEST,Loooooooooooooooooooooooooong John Sliver
Date: 13 Jul 03 - 10:45 AM

Bucko, if ever I find yer glass eye in me drink agin, I'll swallow it down and them bring 'er back up, an' then down an' up agin, and at the end I'll spit 'er acrost the bar like a seed an' see if I can can interest others in a game of eye golf. Matey, I've been in tavens where when the day dawned and the evenin' was over the place was knee-deep in bitten off ears, gnawed off noses, gouged eyes, and so many jewels that the wenches didn't dare walk cross the floor fer fear of gettin' pregnant on the journey! Places were a man's life wasn't worth a smoked herrin' and a lass's virtue even less, when ye could find a virtuous lass, which wasn't likely.

But I wanted ta tell ye about a mate of mine named Bolloxin' Billy. He had a glass eye like ye do, only his was a fearsome red set in a sea of yellow as bright as the dawn of a fair day and a good wind and the scent of home port in yer nostrils after a long voyage. When he'd put in this eye, why, t'would put the fear o' God into a Unitarian or make a Quaker want to fight clear.

Billy was a mainforetops'lman, too, and that wasn't the only tall thing about him, if ye get my drift. Popular with the lasses, he was, and strong as three new-made oxen.

Just one problem had Billy, and it weren't the clap, neither, tho I know ye're thinkin' that, given his way o' life, so ta speak. No, Billy had piles, and I don't mean of Spanish gold, neither. He didn't have 'em bad, tho, but they were a chink in his waterline, and he didn't like ta be holed that way, 'twix wind and water in a manner of speakin'.

Billy got to thinkin' on it, which is the worst a man can do, because that's what the mates and captain are for, but he didn't want to share his secret weakness with this particular set of captain and mates anyway, since they were much too close, if you see the drift o' the current there. Put another way, Billy was rear afeared.

So one day when we was anchored in Port Royale, Billy made himself an appointment to see a doctor who specialised in piles and such, a back door johnny, ye might say. He'd heard that this wee little man could cure piles without pain, or at least without much pain, and then Billy would have no problems in dischargin' ta stern.

Billy wasn't afreed of mortal man, but he did get the nerves about doctors. So just before his appointment, Billy drank down a couple glasses o' gin, which he was partial to when ashore. He then drank down a third, only it wasn't gin. It was the flagon o' water in which his awful glass eye was cleanin'.

There was no hope for it, and Billy just put a patch over the empty eyesocket and made his way to the bottom doctor, who was a mile or more away. He wasn't happy about his luck in swallowin' his eye, but he knew that'd pass soon enough, but it did give him a shitty outlook fer a while there.

Billy got to the doctor's, where the sign on the door read "Architeuthus Hemroidus, MD (Johannesburg), Rectal Disorders. FRCS, FRCP, RCNMP, FRAP, etc. Always the bottom prices, Serving Port Royale's discrete elite." And in he went.

Did ye ever note that if ye go to a shore doctor ye sit and wait? Well, that's what Billy did. And while he was waitin', his breakfast started to make itself known, and salt horse, beans, onions, and ship's bread can make for a fair wind indeed.

Finally, Billy was called into the doctor's cabin. He was told to drop his sails and lean over the gun, as we say aboard ship, and Billy did. The doctor then looked into the breech of the peice, and drew back and looked at Billy. Then he got a candle and moved in for a closer look, because, mateys, he couldn't believer what he was seein'.

As he was lookin' at Billy, Billy was lookin' back at him!

The doctor drew himself up to his full height o' four foot and some and shouted at poor Billy, who was still in a most discomodin't postion, "By God, man! I am a medical doctor, trained in the best schools! If you insist upon watching everything I do, I cannot treat you!"

Billy squirmed around to spy the Doctor, an' to answer him as he deserved, but him movin' was too much for his internal pressure and instead of words Billy responded with an almighty great broadside! His glass eye flew out the open window and holed a man o' war square in the magazines, which exploded. The flames from the candle ignited the Billy's miasma, and the resultin' explosion and fire, with that of the ship's magazines, utterly flattened Port Royale.

Some say 'twas an earthquake, but now ye know the truth of it. As fer Billy, the recoil drove him through the walls of the doctor's house, over the hills and onto a deserted island leagues away, where we picked him up six weeks later.

I'll tell ye the story o' Billy's next glass eye sometime, but I've got to make the tide, and that's at its lowest right now, both inside and out, so if you'll be good enough to pass the bottle of rum there I'll get the internal tide up to sailin' level.

Thankee.

Subject: LYR ADD: Paddy's Finger
From: Charley Noble
Date: 13 Jul 03 - 01:45 PM

Awesome tale, Long John. Dr. Dogbody has nothing on you, so it seems. Now you've just reminded me of a little ditty which comes from some friends in Ontario, a group called Tanglefoot (copy and paste into WORD/TIMES/12 to line up chords):


By Joe Grant & Steve Ritchie, Tanglefoot © 1994
From Saturday Night at Hardwood Lake
Adapted by Charlie Ipcar 1996

Paddy's Finger

G------------------F----------G—F---Bb-G
'Twas in the town of Pelham one dark and drea-ry day
---F---------------------------Bb----F---G----F
We local lads was in the pub, just sipping time away-a
------G-----------------F--------------G---------F--Bb/G
When in there walked this stranger who dis-turbed our con-tem-pla-tion
---F--------------------------G---F/Bb/G/F
So we decided his facial features need-ed al-te-ra-tion.
------G--------------------F---------------G—F—Bb--G
"Now what's your name, fair stranger? We've not seen you in town."
---F---------------------------Bb-----F------G----F
He answers "David Disher. I'm a man of some re-nown-on."
-----G------------------F--------------G----F/Bb/G
Says Patrick, "Well, now, Disher, lest you think that I'm remiss,
-----F----------------------------G—F--Bb/G/F
They calls me Scrappin' Paddy, and this here is me fist!"

Chorus:
G----------------------F----G---F-----G--------F-----------G-----F---G
Oh, Fight like a wildcat , learn your lesson, up jumps Paddy with a finger miss-in'
-----------------F---G---------F------------------------------G
Poor wee fist, one finger less, for seven pound ten 'twill scarce be missed!.
-----------------------F----G---F------G-------F-----------G-----F---G
Oh, fight like a wildcat , learn your lesson, up jumps Paddy with a finger miss-in'
--------------F----G-----------F------------------------------G
Poor wee fist, great bloody mess, for seven pound ten 'twill scarce be missed!
F-------------------------G
Paddy's finger 'twill scarce be missed!


A room of rowdy roisters, swinging aft and fore;
Disher takes a nasty knock and sprawls upon the floor;
Paddy pounces all too slow, and for one second lingers;
Disher grabs his hand and sets his teeth to Paddy's finger. (CHO)

Now Paddy seeks legal counsel, down in muddy York;
Fighting may be Paddy's line, but missing parts is lawyers' work;
His complaint was swiftly drafted and filed with the court clerk,
With a copy served on Disher before he could embark;
So Disher is persuaded for fear of disputation,
To compensate in full for Paddy's disindigitation;
Now Paddy gets his seven pound ten, a compensation which –
Convinces him that losing fights will make him filthy rich!

Final Chorus

Oh, fight like a wildcat , learn your lesson, up jumps Paddy with a finger missin'
Poor wee fist, great bloody mess, for seven pound ten 'twill scarce be missed!
Paddy's finger will not be missed.

Cheerily,
Charley Noble

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 14 Jul 03 - 11:01 AM

The door swings wide, and in steps a tall sailor, staggering under the weight of a kit bag full of old bad jokes. He reels off to the larboard side of the bar and walks into the wall. He lifts the bejewelled patch from his left eye and peers forward, speaking to nobody im particular. "My old mother always said pirates look fiercer with eyepatches!" He lifts a second patch from over his right eye, "I wonder if I should have stuck with just the One?"
He looks about the Tavern and addresses the gathered throng. "The name's Jim, Jim Ladd!". "Mind if I drop me bag in the corner and unbuckle my Swash? - It's been a long trip, and I could have caught Moby Dick, if I hadn't taken the tablets..."
The kit bag falls to the floor, and as it lands, the neck loosens. Half a dozed small kits crawl out and creep towards the crypt...

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 14 Jul 03 - 11:07 AM

*rubs bewildered eyes*

jim,jim - am I crazy or are those kits sleepwalking? they appear to have dozed in mid creep - or perhaps they are only half-dazed?

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 14 Jul 03 - 11:19 AM

"Ach! they be 'arf dozin'., all six of 'em..."
He bends down (a dangerous manouevre in many dockside bars) and scoops the kits back into the bag. The cord is tied in a running bowline, followed by a couple of half hitches, a sheep shank and a granny just to keep everyone guessing!"
Jin turns back to the bar and asks "Do you do food? I'd like soup in a basket and a large octopie". THe other bar dwellers start to edge, almost imperceptibly, towards the oposite end of the room.

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 14 Jul 03 - 11:30 AM

sorry jim,jim, out of octopie - but there's six slices of sex tart left. did you want your basket o'soup with chips, crisps, or deep fried mars bars?

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: katlaughing
Date: 14 Jul 03 - 12:23 PM

Sorry I've not been in, me boyos! Glad to see ye are all gettin' along alright, though the deck could use some more swabbin', methinks! I'll be away slaving o'er the scribing o' the tales and laying in supplies for the next few days, so please make me apallogees to the gents and gels what come in and make 'em welcome fer me, alrighty? Make yer Kat O'Nine proud, me darlin's!

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 14 Jul 03 - 06:09 PM

Unnoticed, one kit crept into the crypt, crapped and crept out again....

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Jul 03 - 06:47 PM

Oh no! Creeping kit crypt crap!

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: GUEST
Date: 15 Jul 03 - 12:41 PM

Where does one keep creeping kit crypt crap?

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Amos
Date: 15 Jul 03 - 12:55 PM

In a creeping kit crypt-crap kit, of course.

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 15 Jul 03 - 12:59 PM

She keeps kit crypt-crap in a crypt crap kit.
Creeping kits crap crypt crap in the kit crap crypt.

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: JennyO
Date: 15 Jul 03 - 01:24 PM

Then she tries a crypt crap trap to catch the crapping kit.
But the kit in the crypt keeps crapping in the trap.
Then the crapping kit creeps quickly out of the crypt.

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 15 Jul 03 - 01:36 PM

S/he who builds a better crypt-crap trap will rule the world!

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: katlaughing
Date: 15 Jul 03 - 01:51 PM

Keep yer sCATology awae fra' me Tavern, ye daft buggers! I go awae and wot do ye do but levve me wi' a need to call a fume-me-gator to air t'place out? 'tis the Plank for the lot o'ya...start walkin' else I'll start wit me real cat o'nine! Least ya coulda changed t'litter bachs!

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: GUEST
Date: 15 Jul 03 - 02:00 PM

Fume-me-gator = Fumet-gaiter; A fish-stock shoe! For wading through chowder!

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Amos
Date: 15 Jul 03 - 02:45 PM

Chowder do today, Guest? OK?

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 15 Jul 03 - 03:15 PM

ssssdddxxxxxxxxxxxxxfffffffffffffffccccccccccccccccrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyaaaaaasssssxjn##jj#u#uyiqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqnnnnmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrtttttttttttttqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 15 Jul 03 - 03:18 PM

Sorry - I don't speak sdxfcry.

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 15 Jul 03 - 05:30 PM

Chrissie Creavey cracked a crock of kitty crypt crap? Crikey!

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Gareth
Date: 15 Jul 03 - 07:07 PM

And then there was Short John Sliver - victim of a botched circumcision.

" Ah!, The Cabin Boy, the Cabin Boy,
He was a dirty nipper,
He stuffed his a*** with broken glass,
And circumsised the skipper"

Gareth

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 15 Jul 03 - 07:19 PM

Sorry - I think all my alphabet soup has escaped from the basket. It just ran across my screen and down towards the crypt.
If I don't catch the letters quickly we may have to cope with a Cryptic Cross Word!!!
Quack!

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Billy the Bus
Date: 16 Jul 03 - 12:24 AM

Another southerly gale blasts through the bar, un-barred by the hairy git's trew - true. The bar clears in a cloud of noxious fumes. Mumble.. mumble... wombles the wakening hairy git..

"As I was spraying, t'was a job getting out of the South Sea, but, I did it. But then m'dears, I was straight into the Roaring 40s again. Talk about wind! It damned near blew me apart! T'were all the fault of Arkwright's Pickled Onions (see link)."

We blew Arkwright's liver and lights out with the first brew of 'Roaring 40s', but he keeps blowing us up with bloody pickled onions. Talk about fart-fodder - that's what blew the arse out of me trou' so I had to polish me eye-glass on me bollocks (see earlier post)... Aww.. Shucks.. If the govern-mint put a Flatulence Tax on Arkie's Onions, they would make a mint - not that flavour though.

Anyway, the hairy old git sighs, and starts sliding floorwards.

"There were other Snares" he says. "I've almost escaped the 40s, but must make me way through the 50s and 60s, before I Round the Horn, y'Ken?" (more potential Fred-Creep)

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 16 Jul 03 - 10:49 AM

In walked an octopus with eight wooden legs, "has anyone seen captain Nemo of the Nautilus ?", he asked.

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: MMario
Date: 16 Jul 03 - 02:06 PM

Someone tell the octo-stumpy to stop stompin' will ye? I'm trying to lure the Crypt kits out - because JennyG says kitting wool is good stuff!

Do you suppose we could make camoflage cloth out of crypto-kitting wool?

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 16 Jul 03 - 03:07 PM

I heard that someone used it to make a camoflage net. I don't know how good it was - they couldn't find where they had left it...

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: GUEST,Loooooooooooooooooooooong John Sliver
Date: 16 Jul 03 - 03:35 PM

Argh! Avast there, mateys! Shove over and let a real seaman take the weight off his wooden legs.

Aye, legs. Lost the last one one the last voyage, the one I've just come off of. I was signed on as Ship's Spook, ya see, when we say the last bit of land disappear below the horizon. Made me some sad, it did, but I would've been sadder if I knew what was ahead fer us all.

We was in the old "Acushla Macree," out of Dingle and bound fer the low Andartic whalin' grounds. Fifteen hundred barrels we had room fer in hold, and a try works that'd boil the oil outa a old rag, it was so good. Our captain was Bully Hayes, and the first mate was an Irishman called One-Ball, and he was proud of it, too. Bein' Irish, I mean.

We were past 60 South and goin' down, a good voyage up to then, when without warnin' the ship shivered and began to toss fore and aft. The riggin' was tumblin' down from on high, the sails flutterin' away from the ship, and the captain shoutin' and screamin' at the crew. But, thinks I, this ain't no storm like any I've ever sailed through, man and boy for over three hundred years now, and I got meself to the rail to look.

Ye won't believe me, but there was two giant squids, a-tossin' the "Acushla Machree" back and forth, back and forth between 'em, like we was some kind of shuttlecock. Oh, they was doin' all sorts of tricks, too, like jumpin' out of the water and whirlin' around like a dervish, using their tennyculls like merry-go-round ride to slap the ship back to the other one. And worse, too. Some of their moves even an old salt like me found to be disgustin'.

I turned ta tell the captain when suddenly the main truck falls onto me one good leg, and I couldn't move. Under me I could hear the sounds of the ship breakin' up, and with a crack that'd have awakened Davy Jones himself, the keep broke straight in two!

With that I begged and pleaded with the crew as they rushed to launch the boats, on bended knee asking them to save me. But the paid me now heed and shoved off, leaving me to face me fate on the pitchin', yawin', deck of a boat with a broken keel which was sinkin' faster and faster each minute and me pinned to the deck.

Mateys, I don't hesitate to tell ya that I was pleading fer me life, all but praying to be spared a watery grave. And then, from far, far away over the waves, just at the last moment, came a cry that changed everything. It was One-Ball, and he was shoutin', "Ya bloody great cow! Yer already dead!" And ya know, he was right, so I left me last good leg pinned under the main truck, picked up t'other leg at The Pirate's Prosthetic Hypermart, an' came here, knowin' that none of ye would deny buyin' a poor old crippled sailor, who gave his life in the defence of his country's aims, a bit of a tot of rum, now, wouldya?

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: katlaughing
Date: 16 Jul 03 - 04:27 PM

Oh, Sliver! What a sad, sad tale! Now, I'd be glad to spot ya fer anither drop of the grog if ye'd keep it from pourin' throo to m'floor! I am heartily tired o'moppin' up after the likes of ye and the rest o'em whats comz in 'ere. Tho' I would like to thank ye for pullin' this thread outta the twa-let, if ye catch m'drift?! Much as I adore the creechures, I won't put up wid the leavin's in me own abode, let alone in a public 'house!

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 16 Jul 03 - 04:29 PM

Kat O'nine - 'Tis simple eno' ta sarve this ghostly saylor withou' his leavin' nothin' on ewer flawr.

We shall simply pour him a glass of "Spirits of wine" -

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: katlaughing
Date: 16 Jul 03 - 04:56 PM

Well done, MMario, I dub ye the Ofishull Barkeep o'this Tavern 'n let no man nor lass worth their salt keep ye frae it!

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 16 Jul 03 - 05:56 PM

This is scary - I do actually have some camoflage coloured knitting wool..... in two shades of green/brown combination!

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Jul 03 - 07:06 PM

I've always wondered why women's panties and bras are sold in camouflage. I mean, you could either lose the garments or lose the parts they cover.

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: kendall
Date: 17 Jul 03 - 03:58 PM

Whale oil beef hooked! good memory there Amos.

Out of the night that was black as a bitch
and into the din and smoke,
stepped a ragged old prick with a...
singing "The Captain of a lugger,
was known as a filty bugger,
declared unfit to shovel shit
from one ship to another."

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 18 Jul 03 - 04:49 AM

It was a dark and stormy night and the crew off watch were down below.
"Spin us a yarn, Bosun", someone said and so the Bosun began.

It was a dark and stormy night and the crew off watch were down below.
"Spin us a yarn, Bosun", someone said and so the Bosun began . . .

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 18 Jul 03 - 08:41 AM

*squinting at the box compasss over the bar*

Why does that thing keep swing around in circles? Must be broke...

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Charley Noble
Date: 18 Jul 03 - 08:58 AM

And from the poop of the good ship "Flying Fish":

The mate drew forth his compass rose
And tapped it on the rail,
"Why, she heads to the E. S. W. by N.
In the teeth of a raging gale,
In the teeth of a raging gale!"

Charley Noble

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 18 Jul 03 - 09:02 AM

Is it true that Flying fish poop is good fetilizer?

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Jul 03 - 09:11 AM

I tossed my compass overboard. Damn thing only pointed north, and I by God wanted to sail southeasterly. Probably shoulda paid more than 98 cents for it in the first place...told the Captain that before we sailed, too, I said to him, "Cap'n," says I, "This cheap compass is only pointing north" but did he listen to me, of course n o t h e n e v e r d o e s

and with a thud, and another one hits the floor

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Jul 03 - 09:20 AM

MMario, do mean the excrement of flying fish, or fish excrement that's flying? Or both?

I have great familiarity with ordinary excrement that hits a fan, if that helps, and would be pleased to undertake studies about fans and fish excrement. The study is tentatively entitled "Fishing fish feces and fans: a fractal analysis."

(I put the word "fractal" in there because fractals are an "in" thing right now and that'll make it more likely that you'll give me the necessary funding.)

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 18 Jul 03 - 09:49 AM

We no sooner get rid of the Kit crap, and you start bringing in bucketloads of Flying Fish Faeces! What next? Octopus poop, Squid squitter (perish the thought), Jellyfish jollop, Whale whoopsie, Dugong dung, Narwhal nasty?
QUAAAKKK!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 18 Jul 03 - 09:59 AM

Hey! Can I help it that the Tavern threads have been deemed "BS:"?

*grin*


At the end of the day I like a little drink...
to lift up me voice and sing.

And an hour or two with a fine brown brew and I'm ready for Anything!

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 18 Jul 03 - 10:08 AM

A N Y T H I N G ? enquires a giant squid who has not found a sexual partner for over 2 years.

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Amos
Date: 18 Jul 03 - 10:14 AM

In far Nepal, the old and young
Revive themselves with Dugong dung!
If by a hornet you are stung
Or if your bride bites off your tongue
The remedy whose praise is sung
From Timbuctoo to Kallamung
Is good, old-fashioned Dugong dung!

A

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: GUEST
Date: 18 Jul 03 - 10:16 AM

At the Cross Keys Inn there were sisters four...
The Landlord's daughters fair!

and every night, when they'd shut off the lights, I would tiptoe up the stair!

More then you ever wanted to know about squid mating practices

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Jul 03 - 02:55 PM

I'm having a rough time NOT finishing "Cross Keys Inn" with

"It went zip when it moved and bop when it stopped and whirrrr when it stood still...."

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 18 Jul 03 - 02:59 PM

final verse:

Fifteen years have come and gone,
I'm the landlord at the inn
My Daughters take the food around, while their brother pours the gin!
But don't you touch the waitress boys, don't even think it lads...
for you wouldn't like what happens - hwen you get FOUR mothers mad!

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Charley Noble
Date: 18 Jul 03 - 06:38 PM

Clearly there has been more than "four play" going on here

The Landlord's daughter, she come in,
We kissed her ruby lips with gin,
When Jones Ale was new, me boys,
When Jones Ale was new!

She said she was good as the best of us,
And she drunk more ale than the rest of us,
When Jones Ale was new, me boys,
When Jonmes Ale was new!

Cheerily,
Charley Noble

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: GUEST,Loooooooooooooong John Sliver
Date: 18 Jul 03 - 11:09 PM

Belay that talk, matey, or I'll be takin' a marlinspike to yer head.

I've always wanted to say that. But seein's as how I can't hold a proper marlinspike, and the ones I can hold wouldn just pass right through ye, it don't make any difference now, does it?

In the same way, missy, ye've learnt that I can't hold me likker. So I'll just sniff the fumes, sort of the spirit of the spirit if ye like. So set a cask by me here and I'll snort up that, and not a wet spot in a hold full.

Ah, that smells right, that does. Puts me in mind of the time we was makin' fer El Pueblo de Nostra Senora de los Angeles, a little spit of a port south of Monterey, with a cargo of bricks that were supposed to go to New York, but the captain had made a slight navvygational error and there we were, right off the coast of Californy.

'Twas fair weather all the way, too, even 'round the Horn. Now, you're askin' yerself, how kin that be, 'tis always foul weather round the Horn. Well, ye see, a great whaleship, the "Exeunt Humvees", was returnin' from the Pacific Grounds, full of oil, when she stuck a rock and nearly tumbled over. All of her cargo washed out, and the oil cast upon troubled waters calmed them for the next year and half all over the Pacific. This was the time when Balboa first saw the Ocean and named it "pacific" because it looked so peaceful. And it was, until all that whale oil dispersed and it was back to its usual self. Now ye know the truth of that, anyway.

Anyway, mateys, the old ocean was dead calm, and the breezes were just right. We were doin' twelve knots with the main skys'l set, when the skipper -- 'twas Olaf O'Donnell as I recollect, the famous Norwegian-Gaelic -- gave an order to do somethin' or other. Ye see, him being half Norse and half some sort of Gaelic, ye couldn't understand one word after another.

So we all did what we thought he'd said. The helmsman put it hard ta starboard, the first mate had all the sails run out, the surgeon went to his battle station, the chaplin started baptizin', and the cook ran around riggin' fer silent runnin'. Me, as the Ship's Haint, was busy splicin' the mainbrace.

Ye know what happened, I'm sure. We hit the shore such a lick that we drove up 'er miles and miles and miles, all the way the ship slowly wearin' away under us until at the very end only the bricks were preventin' us from sinkin' entirely.

Finally they too wore away, and the good ship finally erased herself, so ta speak, up in what was later called Utah and Wyomin'. Yes, mates, I tell ye, that's the real reason for the Gulf of California and the Colorado River itself. Why, ye should have seen the sparks flyin' from the nailheads when we driv through the rocks and created the Grand Canyon -- 'twas like fireworks and illuminations!

But Loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong John is here now, all safe and well, or as safe and well as a ghost kin be, and he'd like another whifter of good brandy, or, barrin' that, meths.

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: kendall
Date: 19 Jul 03 - 07:20 AM

Avast you swabs! don't you know the captain's wife and daughter are aboard?
Dead Dick Eye over in the corner doesn't hear too good, he's continuing with the singing...

"The Captain's wife is Charlotte
Born and raised a harlot
Her thighs at night were lilly white
By morning they were scarlet."
Being to far gone in his cups, he can't remember the rest of it so,

"The Captain's daughter Mabel
Though young, was fresh and able
To fornicate with the second Mate
Upon the chartroom table."

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: GUEST,poet laureate of the Good Ship Venus
Date: 19 Jul 03 - 11:03 AM

arrrggg! it needs a finish!

The ship's dog's name was Rover
The whole crew did him over,
They ground and ground the faithful hound
From Singapore to Dover.

The end of this narration
Came in jubilation
For they sunk the junk in a sea of spunk,
Caused by masturbation.

So now we end this serial
Through sheer lack of material,
I wish you luck and freedom from
Diseases venereal.

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Amos
Date: 19 Jul 03 - 12:05 PM

Now the skipper's youngest daughter
She fell into the water!
Her frantic squeals
Announced that eels
Had found her sexual quarter.

(I am ashamed!! And in public, too!!)


A

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: kendall
Date: 19 Jul 03 - 11:49 PM

The cook his name was davey
He was cashiered from the navy
He dipped the bread inside the head
And served it up for gravey.

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 20 Jul 03 - 11:39 AM

The crypt door creaks open and Jim, Jim Ladd paces slowly into the bar.
"It's worse than I feared", he mutters under his breath! "Those pesky bilge rats of letters got down the cracks in the floor, and escaped out into the bay! Some of 'em wennt through the red-light district, and the bawdy ballads 'ey sparked off are fright'nin'".
"They ain't only gone cryptic, they'r heading for the Municipal Library and Museum to try and break loose a brace of Thesaurus." "I think it's got beyond my power to deal with! I wonder if anyone has a petard I can borrow until the weekend?"
"Sling me a gin whilst I give it some thought!"

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 21 Jul 03 - 08:30 AM

whips a tankard of gin at Jim,Jim.

"Whoops! You said "sling" - I thought you said "Fling!""

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Jul 03 - 08:54 AM

Over in the corner, nobody knows how he got in, was Ring-Eye, the notorious gun flinger. It was said that Ring-Eye (who only drank red eye) could fling a gun faster and farther than anyone, that he was faster and farther than even the famous Johnny Flingo or Doc Holydays. At the moment Ring-Eye was, as usual, passed out cold, a chess board with deringers at his side, ready for instant gunplay.

Two of his pards entered, tipped their hats and said "Sorry, folks," and heaved Ring-Eye into a waiting buckboard. He kept snoring.

They picked up the chessboard and the deringers, peeled the foil off one, and proceeded to eat it as they moseyed out and drove the wagon into the sunset.

Someone asked, "Who were those unmasked men?" and received the responses "Heck, I don't know" and "Got me!" The trail of water, though, let some to believe that one was the fabled Bobby the Squid and his faithful companion, Larry the Lab.

"Thank goodness," someone else murmured. "They're gone. Gimme another drink, okay?"

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 21 Jul 03 - 11:24 AM

The bosun's name was Hopper,
By christ he had a whopper,
Once round the deck,
Twice round his neck,
And up his ****hole as a stopper.

The gunner's name was Digger,
He was a great big nigger (sorry it's not PC)
Used to get his fun up the barrel of the gun,
'Til some bugger pulled the trigger.

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 23 Jul 03 - 11:31 AM

Jim, Jim glances across at MMario... "Didn't know ye had a shower in here! Like the scent of the lotion though!"
He is busy fiddling with a small intricate contraption, which appears to be constructed from strips of paper, a mass of net mending twine, the shuttle weaving in and out like a blur, paper clips, transistors, transformers, transmitters and transects. If you look carefully you can observe a flash of bottle tops, beetle traps, bittern tails, buttered tripe and battered mars bars. He frantically decants the whole shebunkin, which has grown before our eyes to the size of a large carp, into he packing case left near the door (by the press gang) for those patrons who can't quite remember how to get out of the place!
Jim, Jim stands back from his work and takes a deep breath. "Once it's plugged in, we should be safe from the little rascals! You at the back with the petard, can you hoist it up to cover the window, while I just finish off here?"

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: GUEST
Date: 23 Jul 03 - 01:20 PM

a bell shaped cloud of noxious gases in brilliant but clashing neon colours floats up and blocks the view of the windows.*


'SPAW! When did you get here?

*pétard is a french word for "a loud discharge of intestinal gas"

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: katlaughing
Date: 24 Jul 03 - 12:09 AM

Or...1. A small bell-shaped bomb used to breach a gate or wall.
2. A loud firecracker.

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: GUEST
Date: 24 Jul 03 - 07:56 AM

yeah - but they aren't as funny.

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 24 Jul 03 - 10:59 AM

In glides a Ghost Carp. "I'm looking for a good Haunt", he says.

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Jul 03 - 11:34 PM

And everyone around him broke into song:

"A-haunting we will go,
A-haunting we will go...."

except for a few, who were singing

"Ghostly carp innnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn the skies...."

All in all, though, most thought it a lot of carp.

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: GUEST,CrazyEddie
Date: 25 Jul 03 - 07:54 AM

Yes, and there in the corner, shivering, lies...A NERVOUS WRECK!

The second mate's name was Breen,
'twas he who invented the wanking machine.
On the thirty-ninth stroke,
The fuckin' thing broke,
And whipped his balls to ice-cream.

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 25 Jul 03 - 11:50 AM

An old sailor walks in with an octopus. He reaches into his pocket pulls out a harmonica and give sit to the octopus who proceeds to play it brilliantly. After a few tunes the octopus stops playing and looks around - "Oh" says the sailor, "he wants another instrument". "What can he play ?", asks MMario. "I'll give ten dollars to anyone who can find an instrument that he can't play", says the sailor. They try him with piano, concertina, guitar, trumpet, and many other instruments - he's a virtuoso on them all. Suddenly a scotsman produces a set of bagpipes. The octpus leaps on top of them, but only succeeds in getting a seies of terrible sounds out of them. "Hey Jimmy, you owe me ten dollars", says the scotsman. "Hold on" says the sailor, "Give him a bit longer - once he find that he can't hump them, he'll start trying to play them".

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 28 Jul 03 - 10:41 AM

First time I've ever heard 'Friggin' in the riggin' on the bagpipes...wonder why the octokitty chose that tune?

Back from time travelin' again this weekend. Business wise the weekend was a bust...very light crowds - and rain on sunday. Patrons are such wimps when it comes to getting wet!!!!

But I collected three roses, a carnation and a sunflower; plus a dill pickle in gifts. We were slow enough I got to do a little mini-show for some friends on the kissing bridge...and a number of songs while waiting for customers at the gaming booth.

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 28 Jul 03 - 03:20 PM

The door flies open and a bedraggled old salt staggers through the opening. Wild eyed, and legless, his wooden stumps almost drowning out his stammering cries...
"The l-l-l-letters, they're on the r-r-rampage...." He glances around the bar, and clatters across to the bar! "They've broken a Thesaurus loose from the Municipal Library and Museum. They'r bearing Nor' by Nor-West, They're comin' along the docks, heading this way. Give me a large port quickly"
Like lightening, the barkeep replied "Rio de Janiero"

in the distance a sound drifts in through the Tavern porthole. Starting as a dull rumble, the noise begins to transform, It becomes more rhythmical and as the source nears, becomes more distinct. Words start to form out of the general melee. Although the Tavern contains grizzled seafarers form dozens of nations, they fall silent as they hear, clear as the lagoon of a tropical atoll ...
"So fare(do, experience, journey, function, admission, customer, dish, tariff) thee well, (ooze, spring, hale, favourably, robustly),
my own (have, possess, admit, control, personal) true love (adore, relish, fondle, revere, beau, sweetheart)
And when I return (come back, refund, answer, regress) united we will (bequeath, determination, bequest, legacy, testament, ) be
It's not the leaving (embark, deserting) of Liverpool that's grieving (plague, smiting, moping, commiserating, irking, bemoaning) me
But my darling (angel, jewel, girlfriend, minion, precious, pretty,) when I think (presume, envision, meditate, ponder, deem, mull) of thee!"

Slowly Jim, Jim starts to smile, then he breaks into a chuckle, which becomes a giggle, a snigger, then a loud guffaw. He starts rolling on the floor laughing his.....
Finally, between broken breaths, he mutters "I think we're safe lads! They've got a Thesaurus, but they don't know how to use it!"

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Billy the Bus
Date: 02 Aug 03 - 07:19 AM

Methinks I must call up the Bold Bow Street Runners, before ye're all cut, or the Peelers. Ye varlets getteth my goat, especially he with a splinter in his underpants! There be laws agin' thine carry-on's. Vis:

1604 2(1) Jac. I, c.9., 'An Act to restrain the inordinate Haunting and Tipling of Inns, Alehouses, and other Victualling Houses'

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Aug 03 - 09:30 AM

The key word is "inordinate."

That should be revoked, since it can't but enforced. Who but me can tell when I have tippled inordinately, and I certainly won't admit that to a cop. If I pass out from tippling, the law wouldn't apply because I'm not tippling.

Likewise haunting. If our guest, Looooooooooooongie John, sniffs spirits, is he tippling? Since he doesn't seem to spend all his time here, is he haunting? And it certainly doesn't apply to me (I can't speak for anyone else) since I don't think that I'm dead yet.

Fetch the Runners, fetch the Peelers. I don't think that they can do much except have a drink with those of us with the taste to come inside.

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Billy the Bus
Date: 02 Aug 03 - 10:02 AM

That's fighting talk, Rapaire! Take yer jacket off, and Come Outside!

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Charley Noble
Date: 02 Aug 03 - 11:35 AM

This discussion of thesauruses reminds me of an old verse:

I saw a Brontosaurus with a thesaurus, "Fie, man, fie!"
I saw a Brontosaurus with a thesaurus, "Who's the fool now?"
I saw a Brontosaurus with a thesaurus,
Looking for the ultimate chorus -
Thou hast well drunken and who's the fool now?"

Ah, for those days of yore when the great thunder lizards roamed the cobbled streets!

Cheerily,
Charley Noble

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Aug 03 - 11:51 AM

I'm not wearing a jacket, Billy. But hey, if you want to step outside, I'm all for it, 'cause I assume that you have a bottle in your pickup truck. How it could be better than the booze in here is hard to imagine, but's long as it ain't poison I'll try it.

I kin find your pickup right easy, since it's the fourth picture down.

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Billy the Bus
Date: 02 Aug 03 - 12:12 PM

Yup, Rapaire, ya got my pickup right first time. As to the hooch, Wilson's gives me the glow, it's part of my South Sea Hotel site.

Slainté Sam

Subject: RE: BS: Ship's Tavern - Squid Squishers & Haunts
From: Charley Noble
Date: 03 Aug 03 - 11:30 AM

Rapaire-

You've certainly come up with another ultimate link, the website for nomadic living. Reminds me of the song I co-authored years ago, "The Lord of the Mobile Home Manor":Mudcat Thread

Of course this doesn't have a lot to do with this Tavern. So, here's a glass to you!

Cheerily,
Charley Noble