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BS: Subversive Cheese

LadyJean 16 Jul 03 - 11:53 PM
Bert 17 Jul 03 - 02:19 AM
Liz the Squeak 17 Jul 03 - 04:20 AM
Noreen 17 Jul 03 - 04:34 AM
John MacKenzie 17 Jul 03 - 04:41 AM
Billy the Bus 17 Jul 03 - 05:01 AM
John MacKenzie 17 Jul 03 - 06:10 AM
Billy the Bus 17 Jul 03 - 06:21 AM
curmudgeon 17 Jul 03 - 07:19 AM
Billy the Bus 17 Jul 03 - 07:34 AM
MC Fat 17 Jul 03 - 08:38 AM
Rapparee 17 Jul 03 - 08:55 AM
Roger the Skiffler 17 Jul 03 - 09:35 AM
Kim C 17 Jul 03 - 09:48 AM
MC Fat 17 Jul 03 - 09:52 AM
Kim C 17 Jul 03 - 10:17 AM
Liz the Squeak 17 Jul 03 - 05:53 PM
Rapparee 17 Jul 03 - 06:01 PM
Folkiedave 17 Jul 03 - 06:37 PM
michaelr 17 Jul 03 - 07:00 PM
Red and White Rabbit 17 Jul 03 - 07:10 PM
GUEST 17 Jul 03 - 07:35 PM
katlaughing 18 Jul 03 - 03:34 AM
HuwG 18 Jul 03 - 09:04 AM
Noreen 18 Jul 03 - 09:14 AM
GUEST,Desdemona at work 18 Jul 03 - 11:03 AM
Liz the Squeak 18 Jul 03 - 03:17 PM
Bill D 18 Jul 03 - 06:29 PM
EBarnacle1 18 Jul 03 - 06:48 PM
JennieG 19 Jul 03 - 12:39 AM
Liz the Squeak 19 Jul 03 - 03:06 AM
GUEST,Desdemona 19 Jul 03 - 05:24 AM
Mr Red 19 Jul 03 - 12:10 PM
KateG 19 Jul 03 - 06:08 PM
McGrath of Harlow 19 Jul 03 - 06:18 PM
Gareth 19 Jul 03 - 07:06 PM
McGrath of Harlow 19 Jul 03 - 07:10 PM
Donuel 19 Jul 03 - 07:16 PM
Strick 19 Jul 03 - 07:21 PM
Bill D 19 Jul 03 - 09:46 PM
LadyJean 19 Jul 03 - 10:33 PM
John MacKenzie 20 Jul 03 - 04:50 AM
Gurney 20 Jul 03 - 06:34 AM
CapriUni 20 Jul 03 - 08:45 AM
McGrath of Harlow 20 Jul 03 - 10:19 AM
Dave the Gnome 21 Jul 03 - 09:11 AM
Mr Red 21 Jul 03 - 03:06 PM
catspaw49 22 Jul 03 - 09:25 AM
GUEST,Kim C no cookie 22 Jul 03 - 01:30 PM
GUEST,MMario 22 Jul 03 - 01:47 PM

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Subject: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: LadyJean
Date: 16 Jul 03 - 11:53 PM

A warning for those who may be travelling by air.
I went to Kentucky, to visit my cousins last month. I brought along a couple of pounds of cheese for my cousin John. (They live in a small town, where good cheese is hard to come by. John is 89, and in better shape than I am. Cheese will not harm him.) I packed the cheese in my suitcase.
Surprise number 1 came when I tried to check my bag. They X Ray them now. Surprise number 2 came when the nice lady put on a pair of surgical gloves, and told me she was going to have to search my bag. "There's a couple of blocks in there. We can't see what they are," she said. The potential bombs were 1 pound smoked cheddar, 1 pound port wine cheddar. At least she didn't unwrap the cheese, or stick her fingers into it. But do pack carefully, give yourself PLENTY of time at the airport, and beware of subversive cheese.


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Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: Bert
Date: 17 Jul 03 - 02:19 AM

Smart lady that. She thinks there may be a bomb in there but just opens up the bag anyway.


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Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 17 Jul 03 - 04:20 AM

So if you want to smuggle a banjo across the border, wrap it in cheese first - you can even use the strings to slice it!

LTS


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Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: Noreen
Date: 17 Jul 03 - 04:34 AM

Surprise number 1 came when I tried to check my bag. They X Ray them now...

You've been on another planet since 9/11?


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Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 17 Jul 03 - 04:41 AM

What a friend we have in cheeses.


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Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: Billy the Bus
Date: 17 Jul 03 - 05:01 AM

All our x-rayed grips to bare


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Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 17 Jul 03 - 06:10 AM

But if you carry Gorgonzola
There'll by no need for X-Rays there.


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Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: Billy the Bus
Date: 17 Jul 03 - 06:21 AM

You cheated Giok, using two lines...

My punchline would have ended... grumble... burppp!

OK.... mumble....

But if you carry Corgonzola,
Tread softly with a Camambert...

BURP


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Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: curmudgeon
Date: 17 Jul 03 - 07:19 AM

Lady Jean is not the only person to encounter such absurdities; a story from Annanova can be found here.
------------------------------------------------------------------------


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Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: Billy the Bus
Date: 17 Jul 03 - 07:34 AM

OK, so they both got let off with a cheesey grin?

'Twill get worse...

Cheers - Sam, who has been as far as possible from that BS for a couple of decades. And, it's catching up with me...


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Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: MC Fat
Date: 17 Jul 03 - 08:38 AM

I had a mate who was a chef at the local hospital, he had a girlfriend who lived in London and when who could get time off, which could be at short notice, he would fly down from Glasow to London. This was during the IRA bombings and security was tight. He got some time off unexpectedly and phoned his woman and asked if she would like anything she missed bringing down. She asked for some Lorne Sausage (it comes in a square block of about two pounds weight covered with wax paper get the similarity.....semtex). He used to travel light and bought the said sausage bunged it in shoulder bag went off to the airport. He just managed to catch a flight and was running down the corridor to board at the gate, before he could reah the gate a security man stepped out from behind a pillar. 'Can I look in your bag sir' at which point the security man unzipped the bag and put his hand into the bag to feel this waxy soft stuff. 'What have we got here sir ?' he said thinking promotion I've caught a bomber. 'Two pounds of sliced sausage' my mate replies.   
'Sure thing sir' security guard says smugly as he picks up the block of sausage 'Bloody hell it is sausage' he shrieks. A true story.


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Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Jul 03 - 08:55 AM

You can't bring knitting needles on board an aircraft either, 'cause you might knit an Afghan.

Seriously though, you can be searched if any nitrates are detected on you or your baggage. Which means that if you've visited a farm (including "organic" ones), handled any fireworks, fired a rifle as a hunter or as a member of an Olympic shooting team, use nitroglycerin for angina, or, I suppose, squash a hot dog on yourself, you'll set off the detectors.

There's a difference between "reasonable precautions" and "official paranoia."


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Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 17 Jul 03 - 09:35 AM

On our recent flights to Greece we've done the sensible things and kept scissors, corkscrew, swisscard etc in our main luggage not carryons. BUT Herself had to fly to Edinburgh on business this week, takes only carry-on bag and had her tiny manicure scissors confiscated but they let her steel tailcomb (with a potentially lethal 3" "tail") through. If she had wanted to attack the pilot, the comb would have been more dangerous than the scissors. Then on the plane, of course, they served wine in glass bottles!

RtS


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Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: Kim C
Date: 17 Jul 03 - 09:48 AM

Yes, well, technically, you don't knit an afghan. A true afghan is made with an afghan stitch - some call it Tunisian stitch - which is made with a really long crochet hook. I realize, though, "afghan" has become a generic term for any knitted or crocheted coverlet. :-)

From what I understand, they are letting people take knitting needles on board now. I mean, really, what are you going to do with a knitting needle? Put somebody's eye out, maybe. Does anyone know of a crime that's ever been perpetrated by a suspect wielding a knitting needle? Scissors, though, they still don't like that. I can see a prohibition against full-size scissors, but not the little embroidery scissors.

Someone at the Nashville airport had nail clippers taken away from them not too long ago. And a friend of mine bought some powdered henna when she was overseas - they wouldn't let her take it on the plane. I guess you can hide cocaine in it, or something, but why would you want to ruin perfectly good henna?


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Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: MC Fat
Date: 17 Jul 03 - 09:52 AM

..maybe they should try basket weaving....


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Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: Kim C
Date: 17 Jul 03 - 10:17 AM

No, you might be able to tie someone up with the oak splits. ;-)


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Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 17 Jul 03 - 05:53 PM

Scissors and nail clippers can be used to cut important wires, knitting needles can kill if inserted into the right orifice and with the right amount of force, ditto steel nail files.

When you have murderous tendancies, almost anything can be a lethal weapon.....

LTS


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Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Jul 03 - 06:01 PM

You're dead right, LtS, but leave out the word "almost." Hands, arms, feet and foreheads can be quite deadly. So can shoestrings, belts, pencils, ballpoint pens, laptops, cell phones, and, I suppose, pocket lint. A rolled up newspaper or magazine, and the airlines supply those.

As I said, official paranoia.

Frankly, the US should have followed the European model -- I actually felt safe at Heathrow, Gatwick, Shannon, and Dublin.


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Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: Folkiedave
Date: 17 Jul 03 - 06:37 PM

Back to cheese.

Four of us visiting a friend in the States from Sheffield. We asked her if there was anything she missed from the UK and she said Wensleydale cheese. Unbeknown to us our friends had done the same.

So my wife and I appraoched customs at Atlanta I declared about eight different types of Wensleydale cheese............the guy thought we were crackers (!!) and took a look at them all..

Next in line our friends. They declared exactly the same thing!!

Dave


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Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: michaelr
Date: 17 Jul 03 - 07:00 PM

Ah, Wensleydale... shades of Wallace and Gromit!


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Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: Red and White Rabbit
Date: 17 Jul 03 - 07:10 PM

No cheese Gromit - try raggys tent at Saddleworth festival this weekend


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Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: GUEST
Date: 17 Jul 03 - 07:35 PM

Talk about lethal weapons: an acquaintance of mine keeps two toothbrushes and a length of dental floss in her carry-on bag. Instant garrote. Nobody's confiscated *them* yet...


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Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: katlaughing
Date: 18 Jul 03 - 03:34 AM

Check these out: Knitting needles and murder (fictional) and this from Ananova: take those needles away!


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Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: HuwG
Date: 18 Jul 03 - 09:04 AM

A friend of mine was doing some computer contract work in the Netherlands. A (British) friend of his who was already over there, asked him to bring some confectionary she was very fond of but could not obtain in the Netherlands, with him; namely, Cadbury's Cream Eggs.

He also put his Walkman in the case.

So, as he goes through the X-ray machines at the ferry terminal in the Hoek van Holland (sp), his suitcase contains a small box with circuitry, and 12 oval opaque objects, about the size of small hand-grenades (Cream Eggs are wrapped in foil).

It was all sorted out in the end, though he had to eat one of the Eggs to prove it was innocuous. This apparently revolted the Dutch customs guys, even though they are supposed to remain unmoved at what people- and drug-mugglers can do.


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Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: Noreen
Date: 18 Jul 03 - 09:14 AM

LOL Huw!


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Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: GUEST,Desdemona at work
Date: 18 Jul 03 - 11:03 AM

I have to say this is probably the most irresistible thread title I've yet seen...and it puts me in mind of the time my mother smuggled 14 frozen pork pies and a 5 lb double Gloucester home from England, nestled between her sweaters and nightgowns...!


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Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 18 Jul 03 - 03:17 PM

But there's a border guard at Portbou who will never be the same again after a certain short fat hairy person with a penchant for kilt wearing offered to delcare the extra bottle of port he had stashed in his case. To protect it he'd wrapped it in his dirty laundry.... bearing in mind, this was the going home journey..... and the case had been sitting in the sun for a long time....

The zips were unfastened, the lid flipped open. The guard took a step backwards muttering words that you'll never find in any Spanish or French dictionary and waved him through without further charge.

Strange how socks and Tshirts can resemble finest aged Gorgonzola with just a hint of rotten egg.....

LTS


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Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: Bill D
Date: 18 Jul 03 - 06:29 PM

LOL!..wonderful!

...about airports: they have a routine at boarding gates in the US. Even after you have passed first security, they randomly select several passengers for 'extra' checks(a computer just spits out several numbers of boarding passes)...this gives the interesting scene at times of some little old lady and a paunchy businessman being asked to remove their shoes and empty their carry-on luggage, while swarthy young men with accents shuffle by un-impeded. (profiling, we KNOW is objectionable...*grin*)


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Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: EBarnacle1
Date: 18 Jul 03 - 06:48 PM

A year and a half ago, I was shepherding some kids on board the USS Constitution. The inspectors wanted to confiscate my keychain penknife. There seemed to be some fear that I would hijack this classic square rigged sailing ship and actually take her to sea for more than her annual turnaround. I wonder whether their fantasy or mine was greater.


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Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: JennieG
Date: 19 Jul 03 - 12:39 AM

A lady I know was waiting to board a plane and as she is a quilter, had a small sewing case with her containing 2 or 3 needles, thread, etc. It was going to be confiscated. She then pointed out men who were waiting to board the same plane who had sharp pointed pins on their belt buckles and asked that the belts be confiscated if her sewing case was; also a lady wearing a brooch pinned to her lapel. After some hasty mumbling among themselves the guards waved her on - WITH her sewing case.
And no, they didn't take the belts or brooch either.
Cheers
JennieG


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Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 19 Jul 03 - 03:06 AM

There is a point where paranoia kicks in over common sense.... kneejerk reactions always end up being worse than the original problem.

Of course, now everyone is looking for Weapons of Mass Destruction, sharp pointy objects and lethal cheeses, it means the bona fide smugglers are sneaking all sorts of other stuff in.... when you are only looking for one thing, you only ever see that one thing.

LTS


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Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: GUEST,Desdemona
Date: 19 Jul 03 - 05:24 AM

Yes, a colleague & I were returning home from a conference a few months ago, and had already had the return trip from hell--flight cancelled, terrible weather, had to drive 2 hours to another airport unless we wanted to sat another day (we didn't!), blah, blah, blah.
SO---after finally arriving at our hotel (for which we were vexed enough to make the airline give us a voucher)at 12.30am, and a 3am wake-up call, we were the "randomly selected" passengers given the privilege of having our undergarments scanned, luggage (again--dirty laundry!) rifled through, gifts for our kids inspected, fee inspected, et al. At which point we were so exhausted that we just started laughing hysterically because things had gone so badly already that we really weren't even surprised...we just wondered what might be next!

D.

PS---Am just arrived in the beautiful UK (got off the plane at 6.30am local time) after a *totally* smooth & uneventful trip---saints be praised!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: Mr Red
Date: 19 Jul 03 - 12:10 PM

Pack your bags Caerphilly no Red Leicesters under the beds either.


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Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: KateG
Date: 19 Jul 03 - 06:08 PM

A generously proportioned friend of mine has taken to wearing pull-on sports bras whenever travelling. It seems that the hooks and underwires in her normal corsetry are enough to set off metal detectors, and she got tired of being groped (however politely) whenever she flew.


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Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 19 Jul 03 - 06:18 PM

You could combine a cheese with a pretty good biological weapon, if you had the mind to.

"...some little old lady and a paunchy businessman..." That is exactly the way any rational terrorist would be likely to dress, surely, instead of "swarthy young men with accents"?

I've suggested that everyone flying on airlines or charter planes should have to hand in everything they've got, and everything they are wearing. Then travel wearing overalls or pyjamas issueed on the spot by the airline, and piuck up their stuff at the other end. If one result was to cut down the number of people who found it necessary to travel, all the better.


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Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: Gareth
Date: 19 Jul 03 - 07:06 PM

Oi ! leave off the criticism of Caerphilly. That, the Castle, and antics on Clapham Common are our only claim to public fame !

Gareth


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Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 19 Jul 03 - 07:10 PM

You glide swiftly past Charlotte Church and Catherine Zeta-Jones, I note...


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Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Jul 03 - 07:16 PM

Our middle school had an earth science field trip to FL
On the way back several students had water samples from the swamp that was to be tested later.
Before a chaperone knew what was happening a security guard had forced a child to drink the swamp water.
The child vomited on the plane but recovered in a couple days none the worse for suspicious subversive behior.


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Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: Strick
Date: 19 Jul 03 - 07:21 PM

When I flew through O'Hare right after last Christmas, I was warned not to be careful going through the security check point. The new gear for identifying explosives couldn't distiquish between C4 and fruitcake.

Maybe it knows something we don't.


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Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: Bill D
Date: 19 Jul 03 - 09:46 PM

"That is exactly the way any rational terrorist would be likely to dress,....."

ummmm...I suppose it would be handy to find someone like that willing to do the 'job'...but it is hardly likely. And 'rational terrorist' is rather a category error, if I may say so,(though I see your point).

"...everyone flying on airlines or charter planes should have to hand in everything they've got..." etc...sure, then the terrorists will shrug and blow up a train or a bus (and probably on a bridge or in a tunnel). I suspect they are just as happy to be making us spend these hundreds of millions of $$$ searching ladies for knitting needles while they plan an attack on a power plant or reservoir.


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Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: LadyJean
Date: 19 Jul 03 - 10:33 PM

My cousin lives in Burlington, Kentucky. When I visit, I fly to the Cincinnatti airport, which is just up the road, in Florence Kentucky. (Cinncinnatti is in Ohio, as some mudders may not know.) Since 9/11 my chief problem has been the 9 screws that hold my left arm together. (I had a collision with a basement floor some years ago.) I beep metal detectors. I check my luggage, with my knitting inside, at the gate. Until now, all they've done is asked if I've had it out of my sight, or if anyone gave me anything to carry onto the plane.
Now, they x ray the thing, and inspect my cheese.
I don't beep metal detectors anymore, though.
Those cheese puns smelled worse than limburger. I appreciated them greatly. "Pack your bags Caerphilly!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 20 Jul 03 - 04:50 AM

I notice Gareth also ignores the embarassing fact that the present prince of Wales is an Anglo/German/Greek, who talks to plants!
Maybe that's what was happening on Clapham Common that night; yes that's the answer, he was talking to the trees.

I talk to the trees
That's why they put me away!
La la lala la.

No honestly I don't need a coat this weather.

Giok


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Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: Gurney
Date: 20 Jul 03 - 06:34 AM

I've shared McGrath's opinion for some time, passengers in dressing-gowns, with the addition that the luggage should be towed behind the plane in a glider, with a pilot on danger-money and possibly el-cheapo all-care, no-responsibility seats...
"This is a Hijack!!! I have swallowed explosive and if you do not surrender control I shall stick my finger in the light-socket!!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: CapriUni
Date: 20 Jul 03 - 08:45 AM

All this is reason why I will not fly...

I use a motorized wheelchair, and I just know, with its battery and wires and motor, that it would be taken apart and inspected by personel who don't know the first thing about wheelchairs.   If / when they can't put it together again, I lose all my independence until I can get it fixed or replaced -- wouldn't even be able to go from side of the room to the other without help...

I have greater fear of the secrurity people than I do of the terrorists, frankly.

Which is why I've decided that all my traveling will be over Earth's surface from now on -- at least, that way, I have a reasonable expectation of having my chair in my posession for the whole journey.

... So, do cruise ships still go across the oceans, or are they just for trips along coasts, to the tropical islands?


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Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 20 Jul 03 - 10:19 AM

I can't see why finding a terrorist who can look like a paunchy businessman would be a particular problem.

If you aren't rational within the area what yiou are trying to do, you couldn't be very effective as a terrorist. Alright, what you are doing might be raving lunacy, but that's another matter. The same applies on a much larger scale for the people who operate nuclear missile systems, they're engaged in something conpletely insane, but they have to be rational while they are doing it.


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Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 21 Jul 03 - 09:11 AM

On our first trip to the states (pre 9/11) we had all manner of foodstuffs in the luggage. I was a little worried when I saw the list of restricted items (including cheese!) some of which were in the cases.

The very very nice man at Atlanta said 'English eh? First trip to the US?'

'Yes' replies I.

'Anything to declare?' he asks. Before I can reply he grins 'Just say tea and biscuits. It's what everyone brings.'

'OK', I say. 'tea and biscuits.'

'Next...'

Very different now I guess.

Anyroads. Whats wrong with us fat businessmesn being terrorists? I'll get the Gnome Liberation Army an you mate!

Cheers

Dave the Gnome


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Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: Mr Red
Date: 21 Jul 03 - 03:06 PM

Gareth

Cosher Bailey's MP Ron, well he stop a while in Clapham
Lost his car and job, though he still don't know what happen
Was you ever saw, was you ever saw........................

Ya gotta smile or the bloody politicians will win.

For a US translation think Chappaquidick without the loss of life and you get the idea - almost.


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Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: catspaw49
Date: 22 Jul 03 - 09:25 AM

LadyJean.......Ever since my bypass in '97 I have been tripping metal detectors (sternum stapled together). Then the addition of a St. Jude's mitral valve added a bit more metal inside with the bonus of the fact that under the right conditions you can hear the thing make a ticking noise as it opens and closes. Although the metal detectors are generally tripped, so far no one has noticed my chest is also ticking. With these days of suicide bombers I do get a bit nervous so I carry my St. Jude's registration card and a letter from my Doctor.

And to be completely pedantic.......It's "Cincinnati" and you are far from alone in the doubling of letters mistake. Also the airport is in Erlanger, not Florence (as if it matters a ratshit).

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: GUEST,Kim C no cookie
Date: 22 Jul 03 - 01:30 PM

I guess because I'm not the murderous type, I have a hard time imagining a #2 bamboo knitting needle as a lethal weapon. ;-)


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Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 22 Jul 03 - 01:47 PM

I don't actually; but there are so *many* potentially lethal objects about people that to eliminate something like knitting needles or crochet hooks is silly - unless they are also going to eliminate pens, pencils, paper clips, ties, shoelaces, etc, etc, etc.


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