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Lyr Req: comic song about plastic pubs (Public Bar

GUEST,andy 24 Jul 03 - 02:02 PM
Sorcha 24 Jul 03 - 02:13 PM
Allan C. 24 Jul 03 - 02:20 PM
Sorcha 24 Jul 03 - 02:25 PM
alanabit 24 Jul 03 - 02:25 PM
John MacKenzie 24 Jul 03 - 02:27 PM
alanabit 24 Jul 03 - 02:29 PM
Sorcha 24 Jul 03 - 02:32 PM
Allan C. 24 Jul 03 - 02:35 PM
Morticia 24 Jul 03 - 02:42 PM
Morticia 24 Jul 03 - 02:43 PM
PoppaGator 24 Jul 03 - 02:48 PM
Bill D 24 Jul 03 - 04:04 PM
Liz the Squeak 24 Jul 03 - 05:13 PM
Herga Kitty 24 Jul 03 - 05:19 PM
McGrath of Harlow 24 Jul 03 - 05:25 PM
Herga Kitty 24 Jul 03 - 06:06 PM
Joe_F 24 Jul 03 - 06:22 PM
Herga Kitty 24 Jul 03 - 06:53 PM
Gareth 24 Jul 03 - 06:55 PM
dick greenhaus 24 Jul 03 - 07:11 PM
Sorcha 24 Jul 03 - 07:13 PM
Leadfingers 24 Jul 03 - 07:21 PM
Mr Happy 25 Jul 03 - 03:25 AM
Mr Happy 25 Jul 03 - 04:45 AM
Dave Bryant 25 Jul 03 - 05:02 AM
alanabit 25 Jul 03 - 05:15 AM
Mr Happy 25 Jul 03 - 05:23 AM
Dave Sutherland 25 Jul 03 - 06:14 AM
Herga Kitty 25 Jul 03 - 03:00 PM
Gareth 25 Jul 03 - 03:40 PM
Folkiedave 25 Jul 03 - 03:54 PM
CraigS 25 Jul 03 - 07:11 PM
Gareth 25 Jul 03 - 07:11 PM
Mark Cohen 25 Jul 03 - 11:30 PM
GUEST,Cookieless Dead Horse 26 Jul 03 - 02:39 AM
Liz the Squeak 26 Jul 03 - 08:54 AM
Dead Horse 26 Jul 03 - 02:46 PM
Bill Hahn//\\ 26 Jul 03 - 07:44 PM
cyder_drinker 27 Jul 03 - 07:38 AM
Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull 09 Dec 04 - 04:51 AM
Flash Company 09 Dec 04 - 05:34 AM
Mark Dowding 09 Dec 04 - 06:28 AM
muppitz 09 Dec 04 - 07:30 AM
muppitz 09 Dec 04 - 07:34 AM
MoorleyMan 09 Dec 04 - 09:00 AM
GUEST,Elephant 19 Apr 14 - 04:55 PM
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Subject: comic song about plastic pubs
From: GUEST,andy
Date: 24 Jul 03 - 02:02 PM

Can anyone fill me in with the words to a comic ditty I last heard about 20 years ago, concerning the dialogue between a traveller and the licensee of a pub. The traveller asks for such traditional fare as 'a pint of bitter from the wood', 'some crusty bread, with butter from the churn' and suggests a game of 'arrows in the bar'. However, the host offers 'pre-packed fishpaste sandwiches', 'sparkly-foamy ready-brew'and invites the lad to sit by the 'plastic inglenook' whilst he turns on a few bars of the electric fire, and cranks up the juke box. This culminates in the customer's demise when he takes a sip of the noxious concoction the host has served him. It's sung to that well-known tune we all learned at school, Early One Morning Just as The Sun Was Rising, and that's all I know of it!!!
Full words, or pointers in the right direction would be most appreciated. Regards,    Andy


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Subject: RE: comic song about plastic pubs
From: Sorcha
Date: 24 Jul 03 - 02:13 PM

No luck at all.


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Subject: RE: comic song about plastic pubs
From: Allan C.
Date: 24 Jul 03 - 02:20 PM

In the Digitrad: "Old Pubs" by Johnny Handle.


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Subject: RE: comic song about plastic pubs
From: Sorcha
Date: 24 Jul 03 - 02:25 PM

Hmmm, is it the right song Allan? None of the quotes he used are in that one. The quotes are what I was using.


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Subject: RE: comic song about plastic pubs
From: alanabit
Date: 24 Jul 03 - 02:25 PM

It sounds a bit like Miles Wootton's "Public Bar", which is to the same tune as "Early One Morning". I think it's in the Digitrad.


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Subject: RE: comic song about plastic pubs
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 24 Jul 03 - 02:27 PM

Jasper Carrot used to do a song like that.
Giok


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Subject: RE: comic song about plastic pubs
From: alanabit
Date: 24 Jul 03 - 02:29 PM

It is indeed in the DT.


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Subject: RE: comic song about plastic pubs
From: Sorcha
Date: 24 Jul 03 - 02:32 PM

Public Bar Wonder why the 'bitter from the wood' quote I used didn't find it.


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Subject: RE: comic song about plastic pubs
From: Allan C.
Date: 24 Jul 03 - 02:35 PM

Quite right, Sorcha. It would have been better had I read more carefully.


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Subject: Lyr Add: PUBLIC BAR (Miles Wootton)
From: Morticia
Date: 24 Jul 03 - 02:42 PM

Early one morning, just as the pubs were opening
A traveller came walking down a cold and windy street
He saw the door ajar,entered the public bar
Landlord,can I buy some beer and something nice to eat?

I fancy some crusty bread and roast beef of Old England
Fresh butter from the churn, tasty home made pickles too
And if you think you could draw some bitter from the wood
I'l be quite content to quaff a foaming pint or two

I'll sit down by your fireside and contemplate infinity
The quiet of your hostelry shall seep into my heart
And should a regular chance to come into the bar
Then maybe I'll engage him in a contest with a dart

Sit down, said the landlord,I've some pre-packed fish paste sandwiches
And soya sausage substitute I purchase by the ton
So if you fancy it, I might defrost a bit
And serve it up with ketchup in a supermarket bun

I'll draw for you a litre pot of quaint old English ready brew
As advertised on telly by a famous rugby scrum
No filthy barrels here, we serve hygenic beer
Safely paralysed in this aluminium drum

Sit down by the fire, squire, I'll switch the logs on right away
Or maybe you'd prefer to try my latest fruit machine
Three cherries in a row, that'll set your heart aglow
How about my juke box, that'll really set the scene

The traveller sat down beside the polystyrene inglenook
The plastic beams were bouncing to the electronic sound
He took a bite, began to chew, sank his pint of ready brew
Gave a ghastly gurgle and fell dead upon the ground

Oh dear,said the landlord, as he switched his colour telly on
Another fatal accident, the third this week, I fear
If they can't hold their own, why don't they stay at home
I must say we do get some funny customers in here

^^^ No idea who wrote it though, or where I collected it from come to that.


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Subject: RE: comic song about plastic pubs
From: Morticia
Date: 24 Jul 03 - 02:43 PM

hmmmmm, busy typing while others had worked it out......story of my life really *G*.....


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Subject: RE: comic song about plastic pubs
From: PoppaGator
Date: 24 Jul 03 - 02:48 PM

I'm reminded of an interesting observation I recently learned about while preparing for my upcoming first visit to Ireland.

In the area of Bunratty Castle in Co Clare, very close to the Shannon international airport, there is a "Folk Park" featuring a fabricated Irish village supposedly recreating a typical little town of ages past. One of the buildings in this faux village, of course, is a pub, named Mac's.

Also nearby, just outside the boundaries of the park, is a "real" Irish pub, Durty Nelly's, housed in a large centuries-old building and in continuous business for I-don't-know-how-many years.

The punch line is that the "authentic" Durty Neely's these days caters almost exclusively to tourists, who are making sure to avoid the "plastic" Mac's, while all the local folks can be found drinking and singing at the new Disney-fantasy pub within the Folk Park grounds.

Or, anyway, so I've been told. I'll be there in a couple of weeks and will report back if there's anything to add or retract.


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Subject: RE: comic song about plastic pubs
From: Bill D
Date: 24 Jul 03 - 04:04 PM

de gustibus non disputandem est


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Subject: RE: comic song about plastic pubs
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 24 Jul 03 - 05:13 PM

Morty - it was Miles Wooton and you collected it from me!

I in turn, collected it from a lady called Jacqui who cribbed it off a record that Miles gave her.

LTS


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Subject: RE: comic song about plastic pubs
From: Herga Kitty
Date: 24 Jul 03 - 05:19 PM

And Leadfingers sings it....

Kitty

PS Once upon a time I used to sing Johnny Handle's "The Old Pubs" which I collected from a Sing Out magazine, or similar. It's amazing to think for how long plastic's been all the go!


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Subject: RE: comic song about plastic pubs
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 24 Jul 03 - 05:25 PM

"...all the local folks can be found drinking and singing at the new Disney-fantasy pub ..."

You can see their point. You can get fed up with too many tourists in your local. The Engish can manage to sort that out by being surly in that kind of situation, but in Ireland they tend to feel a duty to be friendly to strangers.


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Subject: RE: comic song about plastic pubs
From: Herga Kitty
Date: 24 Jul 03 - 06:06 PM

I seem to remember hearing, the year that the Dove Inn in Sidmouth got turned into a plastic Paddy pub called Finns, that John Howson plaintively asked, "Where can the Irish singers drink now?"

At least the Dove is back again. (I still have a "The Dove is a metaphysical concept" T-shirt designed by MBS Lynne.)

Kitty


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Subject: RE: comic song about plastic pubs
From: Joe_F
Date: 24 Jul 03 - 06:22 PM

For a song with a similar theme, see Ian Robb's "Rose & Crown" in the DT.


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Subject: RE: comic song about plastic pubs
From: Herga Kitty
Date: 24 Jul 03 - 06:53 PM

Joe F - That'll be the one Johnny Collins sings.


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Subject: RE: comic song about plastic pubs
From: Gareth
Date: 24 Jul 03 - 06:55 PM

Hmmm ! Many years ago I recall a wandering minstel singing in the Becky's Dive Bar in Southwark, befor Richard Boston and CAMRA destroying the place - and I suppose that gives my age away :-

Theres a Plastic Pub, near the Richmond/Thames mud,
Where they only serve Lemonade ... "


Anybody reall he words ? Come to think of it did anybody else drink there before the "Graniad Readers" destroyed it ?

Gareth


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Subject: RE: comic song about plastic pubs
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 24 Jul 03 - 07:11 PM

If you're looking for a phrase in DigiTrad, enclose it with square brackets:

[bitter from the wood]

comes right up


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Subject: RE: comic song about plastic pubs
From: Sorcha
Date: 24 Jul 03 - 07:13 PM

Never had to do that since the Great Update, Dick, but thanks for the tip.


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Subject: RE: comic song about plastic pubs
From: Leadfingers
Date: 24 Jul 03 - 07:21 PM

There I am all superfluous again Got into this thread too late to add any thing at all.Thanks for the plug Kitty - Am I the only flash git who does the landlord in a different key ??


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Subject: RE: comic song about plastic pubs
From: Mr Happy
Date: 25 Jul 03 - 03:25 AM

theres another song on this theme, all i can recall is a snatch of the chorus which goes '...and chintzy chintzy paper on the walls'

anyone know it?


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Subject: RE: comic song about plastic pubs
From: Mr Happy
Date: 25 Jul 03 - 04:45 AM

could be one maybe titled 'in the bar room'

'in the bar room, in the bar room,
that's where we congregate,
????, and washing down the slate,
???, and we are never late,
provided that we do it in the bar room'

someone got the rest of the worfs?


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Subject: RE: comic song about plastic pubs
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 25 Jul 03 - 05:02 AM

I've been looking for the words of a song on this theme, ever since I heard it at one of the Bracknell (Handsome Mouldiwarp) festivals in the 70's. It was sung by a girl and I think it was her own song. I can remember the opening and some other snippets.

We have a new landlord at our village pub
And of him we are not very fond.
And one of the days, if he won't change his ways,
He'll end up in the old village pond.

.........

It's an eightenth century coaching inn,
So the signs say on all the aproaches.
But the last one of all which is on the pub wall.
That one says - sorry no coaches.

.........

There's a door that's marked FILLIES,
That makes us look sillies
Complete with yon period bolts,
Which often do stick if you don't know the trick
And you have to climb out through the COLTS.

.........


There's a verse about how she hits the landlord with her banjo when he's rude to her on a folk club night which ends up:

It cost me a fine at the local Crown Court
And some nasty remarks from the beak.
But the landlord's black eye quite satisfies I,
. . . . No, there won't be a folk club next week.

.........


It ends up with:

And if he thinks that we're seeing him through the winter,
You've got it - we bloody well won't.


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Subject: RE: comic song about plastic pubs
From: alanabit
Date: 25 Jul 03 - 05:15 AM

That sounds interesting. There was another song which I heard from a husband/wife duo some years ago (at least twenty), which had the refrain:
There's a stripper in the public bar between the fruit machines
An insurgency poster on the wall
And I hear they're going to get a televison set
Oh it isn't like a public house at all.

I have been wondering idly who wrote that one and what the title might be. Does anyone know?


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Subject: RE: comic song about plastic pubs
From: Mr Happy
Date: 25 Jul 03 - 05:23 AM

alanabit,

sounds like a snippet from the one i think's called 'in the bar room'.

see my last post above.


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Subject: RE: comic song about plastic pubs
From: Dave Sutherland
Date: 25 Jul 03 - 06:14 AM

Dave Bryant's question I think that song was written by the late Trevor Crozier and his writing partner who I think is called Trevor Sheldon. If you can unearth any of Trevor's albums either under his name or Broken Consort you may find it.


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Subject: RE: comic song about plastic pubs
From: Herga Kitty
Date: 25 Jul 03 - 03:00 PM

Mr Happy

Bob Fox sang "In the bar room" at Sharp's last Tuesday. It's a Geordie song about coal mining (but only in the pub).

In the bar room, in the bar room, that's where we congregate
To dig the coal and fill the hole and shovel back the slate
And for to do a job of work, well we are never late
That's provided that we do it in the bar room.

Kitty


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Subject: RE: comic song about plastic pubs
From: Gareth
Date: 25 Jul 03 - 03:40 PM

"In the Bar room" - ???? Was this from McColl's the Big Hewer ???

Gareth


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Subject: RE: comic song about plastic pubs
From: Folkiedave
Date: 25 Jul 03 - 03:54 PM

It is in fact "The celebrated working man" and the words can be found here:

Detail.CFM?messages__Message_ID=205058

Interestingly it is a song believed to have gone backwards and forwards across the Atlantic.

Dave


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Subject: RE: comic song about plastic pubs
From: CraigS
Date: 25 Jul 03 - 07:11 PM

My infamously dodgy memory says that "In The Barroom" was popularised by the album of Jack Elliot of Birtley, the first Leader LP, which Bill Leader made to perpetuate Jack's memory.

Nobody's mentioned Jeremy Taylor's "This Pub's Not The Same Anymore" which has to be the classic of the genre.


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Subject: RE: comic song about plastic pubs
From: Gareth
Date: 25 Jul 03 - 07:11 PM

Ta ! Folkiedave - added to my collection.

Gareth


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Subject: RE: comic song about plastic pubs
From: Mark Cohen
Date: 25 Jul 03 - 11:30 PM

I remember hearing Stan Rogers do "The Rose and Crown"--I'm glad to know who wrote it, since I never got around to looking it up in the DT. These songs remind me a bit of The Red Velvet Steering Wheel Cover Driver, which is by Jeremy Taylor.

Aloha,
Mark


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Subject: Lyr Add: THE BAR IT SMELLED MALODOROUS
From: GUEST,Cookieless Dead Horse
Date: 26 Jul 03 - 02:39 AM

Here's one I made earlier -
Tune: The Larks They Sang Melodious (or whatever)

THE BAR IT SMELLED MALODOROUS   

As I went a-walking one evening last week
I popped into my local, a pint for to seek
But the pub had been taken over, by a brewery far away
And they'd changed the old Evening Star - to The Dawning Of The Day
And they'd changed the old Evening Star
And they'd changed the old Evening Star
And they'd changed the old Evening Star - to The Dawning Of The Day

I ploughed through the new carpet to the stainless steel bar
I stood by the potted palm as I ordered a jar
Now the barmaid she was topless, and so was the beer
And the price it had gone up me boys, it was now twice as dear

The juke box and the pinball were one side of the room
And the one arm-ed bandit, it played a merry tune
While the brass plated plastic fire was switched off at the main
And the bar stool I was sitting on, it was simulated cane

The back room was a restaurant serving Indian and Bolognese
While the curry and the Parmesan, set up a permanent haze
With extractors in the kitchen tried to take the smell away
But the bar it smelled malodorous at The Dawning Of The Day

Over in the corner where the dartboard had been
Was a bright pink, self selection, three flavour condom machine
And where once the hand pumps had stood, now only lager was strewn
And if never I return again, it will be too bloody soon !
And if never I return again. And if never I return again
And if never I return again, it will be too bloody soon !


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Subject: RE: comic song about plastic pubs
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 26 Jul 03 - 08:54 AM

Thanks Dead - suitably copied and stolen!! Been after something like that for a while now!

Have this in exchange.....

As I walked out one May morning
To view the fields and leaves a springing
I saw two maidens standing by,
And one of them her hands was wringing:

Saying 'Oh hear oh, oh dear oh,
Me husband's too much Courage in him!
Oh, beer oh.

All sorts of teas did I provide,
All sorts of drinks that's fitting for him
With Camomile and lemon too,
But still he's too much Courage in him:

My husband will dance and caper and sing,
And other things, when drink's within him
But he cannot do the thing I want,
Because he's too much Courage in him:

My husband's admired where ere he goes,
And everyone looks well upon him.
But I know what he's really like,
When he has too much Courage in him:

Every night when he comes to bed,
He lies with mouth agape and snoring
He sounds like someone sawing wood,
Or into granite rocks are boring:

Ten long years I've made his bed
And every night he's laid beside me
But still I've got me maidenhead,
Thanks to bloody Courage Brewery:

I wish me husband he was dead
Drunk and in the gutter lying
He'll learn his lesson well and then
No alcoholic drinks he's buying:


LTS


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Subject: RE: comic song about plastic pubs
From: Dead Horse
Date: 26 Jul 03 - 02:46 PM

Nice swop Liz, makes a change from porridge.
Shall sing it next time I'm in female attire!


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Subject: RE: comic song about plastic pubs
From: Bill Hahn//\\
Date: 26 Jul 03 - 07:44 PM

Moving the topic a bit.

You mightenjoy Eric Bogle's "Plastic Paddy".   A wonderful song that ends on a note saying how much we need Christy Moore now.

Bill Hahn


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Subject: RE: comic song about plastic pubs
From: cyder_drinker
Date: 27 Jul 03 - 07:38 AM

Going back to the original question - I used to have a record on which Fred Wedlock sang that song, with almost the same words that Morticia reproduced above. I haven't seen it since about 1985 though - either lost it, lent it or it's in the loft somewhere.


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Subject: RE: comic song about plastic pubs
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 09 Dec 04 - 04:51 AM


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Subject: RE: comic song about plastic pubs
From: Flash Company
Date: 09 Dec 04 - 05:34 AM

Can't remember all of this, 'Modernization'

Oh they've altered me local an' ah don't know why,
For there were nowt wrong wi' it thats not a lie,
It's called modernization, landlord calls me 'Sir'
But they've shifted me photo whats hung thirty year!

And they mit think folks like it, cos it's packed out to'th door,
I've come here tonight, but I won't come no more
Cos it's all made of plastic, and it's plain tha can see,
It mit do for some folk but it won't do for me!

As I say, can't remember all the rest, but included in other verses were:-

The lights all electic, it's ruining me sight

And

There's summat else wrong when tha goes for a sup
Tha's taller sat down than tha were standing up!

Hope someone knows it all

FC


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Subject: RE: comic song about plastic pubs
From: Mark Dowding
Date: 09 Dec 04 - 06:28 AM

It's called "Awterations" written by Ernest Ford from Westhoughton in Lancashire.

Well they've altered me local but ah don't know why,
For there were nowt wrong wi' it thats not a lie,
It's called modernization, landlord calls me 'Sir'
But they've shifted me photo what's hung twenty year!

Ch
And tha may think folks like it, cos it's packed up to'th door,
I've come here tonight, but I won't come no more
Cos it's all made of plastic, it's plain tha can see,
It may do for some but it won't do for me!

Well I've only been once with a scarf round my neck
But I'll not go again no not me will I heck
For it doesn't seem reet if my memory jogs
Going down for a pint in a bow tie and clogs

And I'll tell thee summat else as tha's ne'er seen afore
I'm telling you know bowt a new sort of door
For it stands on an axle and it goes round and round
That can't tell who comes in for it ne'er meks a sound

Leeting's all electric it's affecting my seet
Floor's made of marble can't stick on my feet
And what wi them barstools when that goes for a sup
Tha'rt taller sat down than tha were when stood up

(The next verse appears in Harry Boardman's version that he recorded on "Golden Stream" in 1978. I asked Ernest who wrote it and he suspects that it might have been Harry - it dates the song to the days of Keg beer in the 70s and a new verse could well be written today to extol the virtues of "nitrofizz")

Talking of ale, well it used to be grand
It were brewed in a barrel the best in the land
Now it's tasteless and fizzy nowt like the old brew
And best bitter's now pumped up with best CO2


Cheers
Mark


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Subject: RE: comic song about plastic pubs
From: muppitz
Date: 09 Dec 04 - 07:30 AM

If Mister Happy is still looking for the words for "In the Bar Room", I seem to remember them being printed on the sleeve of The McCalmans Album, "Smuggler".
It's a good album and has some really good songs on it, and is worth a purchase IMHO.

muppitz x


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Subject: RE: comic song about plastic pubs
From: muppitz
Date: 09 Dec 04 - 07:34 AM

In the Bar Room

Just found it!

muppitz x


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Subject: RE: comic song about plastic pubs
From: MoorleyMan
Date: 09 Dec 04 - 09:00 AM

Any song collectors out there should seek out fellow-catter El Greko's recent opus "Strictly Working Class" for (among other things) a neatly turned commentary on plastic pubs and their dubious offerings....
M


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: comic song about plastic pubs (Public Bar
From: GUEST,Elephant
Date: 19 Apr 14 - 04:55 PM

Gareth asked over 10years ago about:

"Hmmm ! Many years ago I recall a wandering minstel singing in the Becky's Dive Bar in Southwark, befor Richard Boston and CAMRA destroying the place - and I suppose that gives my age away :-

Theres a Plastic Pub, near the Richmond/Thames mud,
Where they only serve Lemonade ... "

Anybody reall he words ? Come to think of it did anybody else drink there before the "Graniad Readers" destroyed it ?"

I remeber a folk group who used to sing in Becky's called Mopps. One John's songs was called "Plastic Pub". I have it on a casette tape! What happened to "Mopps"?


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