BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever

Subject: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: izzy
Date: 07 Aug 03 - 03:45 PM

I noticed that somebody else has started a thread about Martians, so I couldn't resist adding this. This has got to be the most incredible thing ever spotted on a tabloid cover. Down at the supermarket today, a relative saw a picture of Hilary Clinton with an alien on the front page of a tabloid (amazing what computers can do now, eh?) The headline said "Steamy Nights with Hilary in UFO Love Nest: Space Alien Tells All in Shocking New Book."

That beats "2000 Pound Baby Found on Moon", which previously held the record for tabloid silliness.

Why doesn't someone start collecting these things?

Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Amergin
Date: 07 Aug 03 - 03:49 PM

Uh...that Alien was in actuality Bill Clinton...

Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: GUEST
Date: 07 Aug 03 - 03:52 PM

no, in actuallity that was an Alien posing as Bill Clinton POSING as an alien.

It all depends on the definition of "is"

Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Bill D
Date: 07 Aug 03 - 05:20 PM

I hear the Hilary was asked about it and said something like."That's nonsense...we only went out to dinner"

I kinda like that!

Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Kim C
Date: 07 Aug 03 - 05:26 PM

I saw that one.

I'm reminded, though, of one from several years ago: Adam and Eve Were Space Aliens. Mister's grandmother was just beginning to show signs of dementia, and while we were visiting, she began to talk about this tabloid. (Mister's dad gets a kick out of them - he says they're comic books for grownups.) She'd say, "Did you see this? Adam and Eve were space aliens. Do you believe that shit?" Then five minutes later, "Can you believe that shit? Adam and Eve were space aliens." This went on for a little while.

While it was painful to watch her decline, this particular incident was humorous, thanks to the subject matter.

Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Clinton Hammond
Date: 07 Aug 03 - 05:56 PM

My all time fav...

"Batboy found in cave!"

I STILL have to giggle a bit when I think of that story line...

heh

Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Folkiedave
Date: 07 Aug 03 - 06:47 PM

When Gerry Queen played football at Crystal Palace and was sent off for fighting the Guardian had the headline "Queen in Brawl at Palace".

Dave
www.collectorsfolk.co.uk

Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Little Hawk
Date: 07 Aug 03 - 06:57 PM

I saw the one about Hilary and the space alien too, and I think it's the greatest tabloid headline of all time. Simply marvelous! There was a great one early in the year about the Americans in Afghanistan having captured Osama Bin Laden's goat. They were supposedly threatening the goat with death if Osama did not come in and surrender. It's name was "Naomi" and it was reputed to be Osama's paramour. Nice photo of the goat. I certainly hope she did not meet a nasty end at the hands of the 101st Airborne...

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 07 Aug 03 - 07:19 PM

I think the Fortean Times has a collection of these strange stories and headlines - Private Eye has also featured some in the past....

Both are UK periodicals - monthly magazines for people with a bit of a twist to their sense of humour and mindset.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Little Hawk
Date: 07 Aug 03 - 07:31 PM

The alien is a handsome bloke. I can understand how Hilary might have fallen for him, and he DOES represent the future, after all...

The post August-31st 2003 future, I mean (wink, wink, nudge, nudge).

Guess where he's from...

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: The Walrus
Date: 07 Aug 03 - 07:47 PM

The silliest headlines I can remember both came from the "Sunday Sport" in its early days.
"World War 2 Bomber found on the Moon" This was accompanied by a photograph of, what appeared to be a model of a B29 on a ground of what looked suspiciously like cat litter
The following week it ran the headline:
"World War 2 Bomber on Moon Mysteriously Disappears" with a photo showing the same cat litter sans model
Hmmmm.

Oh, I've just remembered a third (same source)
"London Bus Found in the Antarctic" Photo showing a London double decker bus (RM I think) lodged at an angle in an iceburg, my favourite part was the supposed quote from a London Transport spokesman "He's a bit off his route".

Regards

Walrus

Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Sorcha
Date: 07 Aug 03 - 08:13 PM

I get a big kick out of them, but never remember them.

Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Gray D
Date: 07 Aug 03 - 08:16 PM

An esteemed local newspaper once had the front page headline "South Wales Vicar Loses Sex Appeal".

There was was also a UK "national" which carried the strapline "Happy? You must be mad" in which a Dr. Richard Bentall (allegedly known to colleagues as "Mental Bentall") claimed that people who were always happy could be classified as mentally ill.

Gray D

Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Aug 03 - 09:36 PM

And I JUST saw this one:

POPE IS MISSING
'Apparently he just wandered off'

Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Padre
Date: 07 Aug 03 - 10:23 PM

Jonathan Eberhart came up with what I have always thought was a classic of the genre:

"Ghost of Elvis clone reveals secret UFO diet to Jackie O."

Padre

Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Ely
Date: 07 Aug 03 - 10:30 PM

I saw one a few months ago that claimed that Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein were lovers. Had a really bad photo with pasted-on heads of the two of them lounging in each other's laps.

I'm embarrassed to admit that I actually noticed that.

Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 07 Aug 03 - 10:50 PM

You might want to visit Jay Leno's headlines. He has some pretty silly stuff there.

SRS

Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 07 Aug 03 - 11:20 PM

G

Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 07 Aug 03 - 11:27 PM

Damned thing!!!

Every now and then my browser thinks "backspace" = "submit". But, ya know what? I think I'll just leave it just like it is. One large upper-case red "G". Sorta cryptic, ain't it?

Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Ebbie
Date: 07 Aug 03 - 11:32 PM

About my favorite one is 'Life After Death- GUARANTEED!' If there is no life after death, no one is going to collect; if there is, has anyone come back to say so?

Another one I like is 'Baby Born with a Wooden Leg!', showing a properly formed leg and foot albeit somewhat dark.

I think the headline writers are the same people who name Avon products. Real attention grabbers.

Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Joe_F
Date: 08 Aug 03 - 12:24 AM

Elvis' Face Appeared on My Pancake

Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: GUEST,Airto
Date: 08 Aug 03 - 07:34 AM

"Holy Family to take on All Saints" - a headline in the sports pages previewing a contest between two Belfast boxing clubs.

Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: MC Fat
Date: 08 Aug 03 - 07:47 AM

Quite a few here...When Inverness Caledonian Thistle beat Glasgow Celtic in an SFA Cup Match the headline was 'Super Caley Go Ballistic Celtic Were Atrocious'. Famous Sun (Newspaper)Headline when George Michael was caught infragante in a loo in the US 'Zip Me Up Before You Go Go' and 'Freddie Starr Ate My Hamster' and one from the Daily Star about a chinese accupuncurist who sexually assaulted his patients ' Kinky Chinky Peeked At My Jing Jong'

Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Mr Happy
Date: 08 Aug 03 - 08:48 AM

ww2 headline in daily mail: 'Churchill Flies Back to Front!'

Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 08 Aug 03 - 09:03 AM

And the one about the escaped lunatic who lay in wait for young women in a laundrette before sexually assaulting them. When confronted by the manager he ran off giving rise to the headline -

Nut screws washers and bolts.

Or did I make that one up;-)

Cheers

DtG

Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Suffet
Date: 08 Aug 03 - 10:59 AM

Prez Cuts Off Dick

Headline of story about how Bill Clinton broke off all White House contact with former advisor Dick Morris.

--- Steve

Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: izzy
Date: 08 Aug 03 - 02:06 PM

Hmm...some of these are getting just a little bit tasteless... ;)

A thoroughly unexceptionable one from a New York newspaper in 1929 (at the time of the Wall Street crash) read:

Stocks Start to Fall, Drop a Little Bit More
Five Million Shares Change Hands

Read it out loud and you'll see what's wrong with it!

Also the beginning to a newspaper article (from a David Crystal book --example of a misprint): "The Roman Catholic Archdiocese of New York has joined a group of Orthodox Rabbits in condemning the 'Life of Brian'."

It doesn't get much better than that!

BTW, M C, I love the Caledonian/Celtic headline. Whoever came up with that should be given some kind of award for linguistic ingenuity. Genius!!


Cheers,

Isabel

Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: John Routledge
Date: 08 Aug 03 - 06:07 PM

In the cold war a Russian nuclear spy named Fuchs escaped for the second time leading to Daiy Mirror(UK) headline

                  "ATOM SPY FUCHS OFF AGAIN"

The headline was altered for the second edition!!

Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Deda
Date: 09 Aug 03 - 12:45 AM

World News Weekly is about the best for these -- I think that's who ran the Osama-Saddam love nest photo, and things like photos of a satanic head formed by the craters of the moon, and periodic proofs that the world will end on (fill in the date). My personal fave was "Human Head transplant!!"

Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Little Hawk
Date: 09 Aug 03 - 01:21 AM

Actually, the World DID end on all the dates predicted, but it ended very suddenly each time! So suddenly that no one noticed, cos they all died instantly.

So why are we still here now, you ask? Simple! God felt bad about it after the fact and decided to restore everything and give us another chance. This has so far happened at least 512 times since 1945, and I don't doubt that it will happen again soon, so watch for it.

After all, it's no good being omnipotent and all-powerful if you can't change your mind now and then, is it? And frankly, things would get boring without us people around screwing things up...

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: musicmick
Date: 09 Aug 03 - 01:23 AM

Back in the late 1950's, the Philadelphia Daily News, reporting a come from behind tourament win by golfing great, Ben Hogan, splashed all over the back page, in giant type yet, HOGAN COMES THROUGH WITH "BLOODY" PUTTS.
I assumed, at the time, that no one on their editorial staff was Jewish but, now, I'm not so sure.

Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Trevor
Date: 09 Aug 03 - 10:08 AM

Wasn't there a Sport one a few years ago about the Queen Mum being a brussels sprout or something?

Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Little Hawk
Date: 09 Aug 03 - 12:17 PM

That's an interesting concept...

Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Amos
Date: 09 Aug 03 - 12:26 PM

Explains a lot, eh?

Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: GUEST,Himself
Date: 09 Aug 03 - 01:13 PM

In the 6o's there was a scientist in Britain called Vivian Fuchs(later Sir vivian) who did antarctirc research.
    Headline..."Scientist Fuchs off to antarctica"

And the famous (apocryphal ?)
          "Fog in Channel,Continent isolated"

Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: beadie
Date: 11 Aug 03 - 10:30 AM

My all time fave:

   "Bigfoot is my Lovechild's Father!"

Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Little Hawk
Date: 11 Aug 03 - 11:10 PM

There are certain people I keep wishing would Fuch off to Antarctica...

Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Cool Beans
Date: 12 Aug 03 - 10:10 AM

There was one just a month ago:

Merman found in South Pacific.

I didn't believe it for a minute. Everybody knows Mary Martin was in "South Pacific." Merman was in "Annie Get Your Gun."

Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Amos
Date: 12 Aug 03 - 10:51 AM

Maybe they were talking about regular merman, instead of ethyl.

A

Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Little Hawk
Date: 12 Aug 03 - 11:29 AM

Well, I'm jealous as hell about that damned alien! I've been having these fantasies about Hilary for years and along comes this jerk with a UFO and sweeps her off her feet. Who does he think he is? I predict that Hilary will soon tire of him and realize that Little Hawk and only Little Hawk is the one for her. I've already got the place all prepared for our first date.

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Amos
Date: 12 Aug 03 - 11:46 AM

You really have lost your perspective on the romance business, on the whole business orf men and women, haven't you LH? I'd heard rumors, but I discounted them, because you were my friend. I dodn't want to believe what they said about you. But this!! I am dismayed, dismayed.


A

Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 12 Aug 03 - 11:49 AM

Not necessarily from tabloids, but some all-time classics are:

When Mr. Onassis was looking for a California estate, he was photographed while surveying one that formerly belonged to Buster Keaton. Headline?

Aristotle Contemplating the Home of Buster

OR,

When a delegate at the UNO (predecessor to the UN) dozed off during a lengthy speech by one of the Arab states' delegates, he was photographed. Headline:

Ali Babbles and the Forty Winks

OR,

When the Royal yacht entered Halifax harbour, ignored the buoys and almost collided with a small freighter, the headline was (of course):

Britannia Waives the Rules

Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Amos
Date: 12 Aug 03 - 12:17 PM

You've been talking to Art Thieme again, haven't you Dick?? LOL~!!!


A

Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: mike the knife
Date: 12 Aug 03 - 12:17 PM

"Headless Body Found in Topless Bar"
NY Daily News

Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: KathWestra
Date: 12 Aug 03 - 01:45 PM

"Mario Lanza's Ghost Found In Houswife's Vacuum Cleaner" is one of my all-time favorites. BTW, doesn't that make this a music thread?

A favorite book (a novel whose setting is the office of a sleazy tabloid newspaper) has the winning title of: "Dwarf Rapes Nun, Flees in UFO" A very funny book, long out of print, but good for lots of laughs if you can find it. My copy got passed along to many friends and finally disappeared.

Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Little Hawk
Date: 12 Aug 03 - 01:48 PM

How about "Headless body of witless topless waitress found in bottomless cup of coffee bar"?

Amos... LOL! I bet you're dismayed. Look man, if you can send me any good jpegs of Hilary in a "power suit" doing a "power lunch" I would be forever in your debt. I yearn to spend "quality time" with Hilary, "quantifying and objectifying" the strong and "salient" points in our relationship which of course are many...even though our relationship remains, well, hypothetical at "this point in time".

See what you can do.

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Suffet
Date: 12 Aug 03 - 07:57 PM

Headline of article reporting that PLO chief Arafat approved of some step Israeli PM Netanyahu had taken...

YASSIR: THAT'S MY BIBI!

--- Steve

Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Little Hawk
Date: 12 Aug 03 - 09:31 PM

"Kiss me, sweet Hilary...Tell me that you'll wait for me..." (pencil in appropriate grace notes)

Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Amos
Date: 12 Aug 03 - 10:38 PM

No, godammit, Little Hawk!! I am not sending you any damned JPEGS of Hillary in a power suit doing a power lunch no damn power way Jose! Friends don't let friends obsess on Clintons. And that's power-final.

A

Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 13 Aug 03 - 11:14 AM

LH once a woman's had a man that blows a saxophone, she doesn't want anyone else. Maybe it's time you took it up, and stopped blowing your own trumpet.

After some crisis or other in Africa in the 60s there was the immortal.

"All Britons told; pull out at once"

Coitus Interuptus or what.....Giok