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Folklore: Jokes I stole

Dave Schipper (old) 21 Aug 03 - 11:46 PM
Amos 22 Aug 03 - 12:02 AM
Blackcatter 22 Aug 03 - 02:02 AM
Ernest 22 Aug 03 - 02:07 AM
Cluin 22 Aug 03 - 02:12 AM
sian, west wales 22 Aug 03 - 04:38 AM
EBarnacle1 22 Aug 03 - 08:52 AM
GUEST,Cookieless Rapaire 22 Aug 03 - 09:33 AM
JedMarum 22 Aug 03 - 09:42 AM
Amos 22 Aug 03 - 10:29 AM
GUEST,Kim C no cookie 22 Aug 03 - 10:32 AM
Blackcatter 22 Aug 03 - 10:58 AM
Mark Ross 22 Aug 03 - 11:57 AM
Art Thieme 22 Aug 03 - 02:34 PM
EBarnacle1 22 Aug 03 - 02:54 PM
Songster Bob 22 Aug 03 - 03:29 PM
Shelley C 22 Aug 03 - 04:01 PM
Uncle_DaveO 22 Aug 03 - 06:01 PM
Gurney 22 Aug 03 - 10:39 PM
catspaw49 22 Aug 03 - 10:45 PM
GUEST,still cookieless paddymac 23 Aug 03 - 11:11 AM
Songster Bob 25 Aug 03 - 03:39 PM
EBarnacle1 26 Aug 03 - 09:29 AM
Skipper Jack 26 Aug 03 - 11:19 AM
GUEST,NH Dave 26 Aug 03 - 11:24 AM
Sabine 26 Aug 03 - 11:35 AM
EBarnacle1 26 Aug 03 - 12:15 PM
HuwG 26 Aug 03 - 12:54 PM
Blackcatter 26 Aug 03 - 06:38 PM
Bill D 26 Aug 03 - 08:59 PM
Blackcatter 27 Aug 03 - 12:59 AM
Bert 27 Aug 03 - 05:10 AM
Joe_F 27 Aug 03 - 04:23 PM
Fortunato 27 Aug 03 - 09:46 PM
GUEST,Cookieless Blackcatter 28 Aug 03 - 01:45 AM
Peterr 28 Aug 03 - 06:58 AM
Blackcatter 28 Aug 03 - 09:01 AM
Amos 28 Aug 03 - 09:57 AM
Joe_F 28 Aug 03 - 06:15 PM
Kevin Sheils 28 Aug 03 - 06:49 PM
LadyJean 29 Aug 03 - 12:06 AM
EBarnacle1 29 Aug 03 - 08:30 AM
GUEST,fred miller 29 Aug 03 - 08:45 AM
EBarnacle1 29 Aug 03 - 11:00 AM
Blackcatter 29 Aug 03 - 06:24 PM
GUEST,pdq 29 Aug 03 - 08:30 PM
Amos 29 Aug 03 - 09:27 PM
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Subject: Folklore: Jokes I stole
From: Dave Schipper (old)
Date: 21 Aug 03 - 11:46 PM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'


Just today I was reviewing some old tapes and heard Art say, "If Adam came back He would only recognize my jokes" Of course later in the day during a dead time waiting for a meeting to start I retold the joke I heard on Utah Philips record when he said, "my name was Zipper but I had to change it... I wanted to become a star and just couldn't see the headlines, "Zipper Opens in Chicago"... since my last name is Schipper it seems to stay true as I make up a story until I get to the punchline.   What's your best joke you stole?


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Subject: RE: Folklore: Jokes I stole
From: Amos
Date: 22 Aug 03 - 12:02 AM

I never steall them outright...I allow a decent interval for mourning. Then I steal them! :>)

A


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Subject: RE: Folklore: Jokes I stole
From: Blackcatter
Date: 22 Aug 03 - 02:02 AM

Tell me who originally wrote my jokes and I'll give them the credit they deserve.

I used to say some of the funny things I heard the Clancy Brothers & Tommy Mekem & Robbie O'Connell say, but most of the people in my audience didn't get them. So who did the Clancy Brothers steal their jokes from?


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Subject: RE: Folklore: Jokes I stole
From: Ernest
Date: 22 Aug 03 - 02:07 AM

Ýou can´t steal them, they are either traditional or you cover them. Just like you deal with songs.
Ernest


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Subject: RE: Folklore: Jokes I stole
From: Cluin
Date: 22 Aug 03 - 02:12 AM

A man comes home from work, sits down heavily in his favorite chair, turns on the TV, and calls out to his wife, "Honey! Can you bring me a cold beer before it starts?"

She comes in from the kitchen, where she is working on supper, and is carrying an open beer, though unsmilingly.

"Thanks," he says, taking a long pull from the bottle. She heads back to the kitchen.

A couple minutes later, he calls out, "Dear heart, how about another beer before it starts, please?"

He hears a loud sigh of exasperation, but she brings him in another beer, this time unopened.

"Thanks again," he says, taking the bottle and opening it. "This is great!" He takes a long drink, ignoring her miffed look. She returns to the kitchen in a huff.

Two minutes later, she hears again, "Honey... One more beer please, before it starts?"

"That's it!", she shrieks, charging into the room and glaring at him. "You selfish lump! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me or ask how my day was..." (out comes the finger, waggling furiously) "...and then you expect me to run in with drinks for you, like your damn slave! Like I haven't been cleaning, washing, and ironing all day long? Now I'm trying to get dinner on the table! It would never occur to you to offer to take me out to dinner for a nice break! Oh no! Just sit there, drinking your beer and watching that damn TV...."

The husband sighs and shakes his head, "Damn, it's started."


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Subject: RE: Folklore: Jokes I stole
From: sian, west wales
Date: 22 Aug 03 - 04:38 AM

Mentioned on another thread, but on a work trip to Inverness I 'borrowed' Art Thieme's joke about That Rare Scottish Bird and damn me if I didn't hear it being re-stolen in a pub by someone about 2 hours later. The cheek of some people.

I choose to think of it as an Art Original ... but I could be wrong...

sian


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Subject: RE: Folklore: Jokes I stole
From: EBarnacle1
Date: 22 Aug 03 - 08:52 AM

When I was doing my column, I wrote a localized variant of Saroyan's "The Phantom Flivver" as a folk tale of Brooklyn. A couple of months later, I was reading "Body, Boots and Britches," a collection of New York State folklore and found a related tale from the Tappan Zee area of the lower Hudson.

Another time, I wrote a tale in response to some problems Clearwater was having with green wood. A few years later, some of us did a benefit for the AJ Meerwald. As a thank-you, we were given a sail on Meerwald and I was told a tale that actually occurred that was parallel to the one I made up.

One of my great frustrations has been that there are so few original stories available. Be proud. It ain't theft--it's research.


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Subject: RE: Folklore: Jokes I stole
From: GUEST,Cookieless Rapaire
Date: 22 Aug 03 - 09:33 AM

Research, hell. It's FOLKLORE!! What was that piece he did about the joke? About Henry Ward Beecher and the stagecoach? Shucks, just do what I do -- file the serial numbers off so that can't be traced and have at it.


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Subject: RE: Folklore: Jokes I stole
From: JedMarum
Date: 22 Aug 03 - 09:42 AM

How about one I didn't steal? I was in grade school and only just learning the meanning of these words, but one day thought:

You can lead a horse to water, but you can;t lead a horticulture.


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Subject: RE: Folklore: Jokes I stole
From: Amos
Date: 22 Aug 03 - 10:29 AM

Well, that's original -- somewhere -- I heard it you can lead a horticulture. You just can't make her read!

So Jed has the rare honor of being one of those guys who has dreamed up one of those jokes that you end up wondering "who dreams up jokes like that, anyway???".

And if Jed Marum can do it, fellow Mudcatters, there's hope for us all!! :>))

A


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Subject: RE: Folklore: Jokes I stole
From: GUEST,Kim C no cookie
Date: 22 Aug 03 - 10:32 AM

Seen on other threads:

Why were the three wise men all covered in soot?

Because they'd come from afar.

This dumb little thing is great because it actually can fit into all the historic time periods we do.

I also sometimes say something like this: Fiddle tunes often have more than one name. For instance, I read that Soldier's Joy was once known as The King's Head. Now, whether the king's head was actually attached at the time, we don't know...

Mister stole a little think from Mike Snider, who is one of the last of the old-time-banjo-player-humorists on the Opry. Snider says that when he was in school his teacher said, Mike, quote me some Shakespeare. And he answered, Hark!


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Subject: RE: Folklore: Jokes I stole
From: Blackcatter
Date: 22 Aug 03 - 10:58 AM

I was in a book store a few years back when I overheard a guy telling his friends about this funny story involving a Scotsman and his kilt and two ladies who came upon him while he was passed out from the drinkin' and the blue ribbon and such. While he did a fairly good job of telling the joke, I felt duty bound to interrupt (at the end of his story) and tell them about a little song they might appreciate. I then began singing The Scotsman (in the DT as the Scotsman's Kilt).

They were mightily impressed and I had a group of 12 people around me by the end of the song.

That was fun.


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Subject: RE: Folklore: Jokes I stole
From: Mark Ross
Date: 22 Aug 03 - 11:57 AM

"You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.", is from Dorothy Parker.

Mark Ross


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Subject: RE: Folklore: Jokes I stole
From: Art Thieme
Date: 22 Aug 03 - 02:34 PM

Best compliment I ever got was Utah and Gamble Rogers taking my tales/lines/jokes and using 'em. God knows, I'd done that with theirs for a long time.

Art Thieme


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Subject: RE: Folklore: Jokes I stole
From: EBarnacle1
Date: 22 Aug 03 - 02:54 PM

According to Spider Robinson, King Rose became besotted by a daisy in attendance at his court. He took her to balls [no wiseass comments, please], concerts and espsed her to all sorts of other culcharul experiences. Nothing seemed to improve her level of discouse. Finally, he gave up and slipped some rotenone into her plant food. When someone asked her why, he respone [all together now] "You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."


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Subject: Lyr Add: DRUNKS SAY THE DAMNEDEST THINGS (Clayton)
From: Songster Bob
Date: 22 Aug 03 - 03:29 PM

Well, I stole a couple of my favorite jokes and put 'em in a song. Anybody recognize the source of the last two? (I have to own up to the first one, though it's a pale imitation of many others). Here's the lyric for the song:

        Drunks Say the Damnedest Things


He fell in front of the subway car as it sped down the track.
The wheels rolled over bones and flesh and broke his aching back.
A drunk gazed from the platform at the red and gory parts,
Then offered his opinion, saying, "Boy, I bet that smarts!"

Chorus:        

Drunks -- say the damnedest things.
Their thoughts take flight on fancy's wings.
Unfettered by the bonds of sense that sober living brings,
Drunks -- say the damnedest things.



The bar was filled with sweet young things, all coos and curves and curls,
When the drunk on the end-most stool heard a line to pick up girls:
A British gent said to a girl, "Tickle your arse with a feather?"
Then repeated it more "clearly" as: "Typical narsty weather."
The drunk saw that this line had worked, despite its startling brass,
So he said to the woman on his left, "Stick a feather up your ass?"
The outraged woman turned on him, -- "What's that you said again?"
The drunk in triumph played his card and said, "Think it'll rain?"

Chorus


He cursed the cop arresting him, of that there is no doubt.
He called him every name in the book, and some that were edited out.
It was "Son-of-this," and "Mother-that," and more that were not so fine;
Then he tipped his hat to the officer, saying, "Hope I'm not out of line!"

Chorus



Copyright © 1991, Bob Clayton. All rights reserved.


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Subject: RE: Folklore: Jokes I stole
From: Shelley C
Date: 22 Aug 03 - 04:01 PM

I had to do a drama workshop exercise 'in the style of' a surrealist film. I started by announcing 'This is an excerpt from 'Un Chien Andalou'or 'A Dog and a Toilet' '

Nobody laughed. I had stolen it from Trevor and Simon, who used to be the comedians in the Saturday morning kids show 'Live and Kicking'. So I blame them.


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Subject: RE: Folklore: Jokes I stole
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Aug 03 - 06:01 PM

Shelly, some people can tell a joke, and some can't!


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Subject: RE: Folklore: Jokes I stole
From: Gurney
Date: 22 Aug 03 - 10:39 PM

I nicked a joke from the web, localised it, and told it at 4am at a folk festival. At 11am it was told from the stage by someone I'd never met.
Adam probably thought up all the basic jokes, anyway.


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Subject: RE: Folklore: Jokes I stole
From: catspaw49
Date: 22 Aug 03 - 10:45 PM

Fact: The last words most pilots say are "Oh shit...." That's true....really. And the last words of most rednecks are, "Hey! Watch me do this!"

Spaw


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Subject: RE: Folklore: Jokes I stole
From: GUEST,still cookieless paddymac
Date: 23 Aug 03 - 11:11 AM

How to distinguish a fairy tale from a tall tale?

Fairy tales usually begin with "Once upon a time"

Tall tals often start with "You ain't gonna believe this shit"


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Subject: RE: Folklore: Jokes I stole
From: Songster Bob
Date: 25 Aug 03 - 03:39 PM

<< And the last words of most rednecks are, "Hey! Watch me do this!" >>

I thought it was: "Here, hold my beer, and watch this!"


Bob


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Subject: RE: Folklore: Jokes I stole
From: EBarnacle1
Date: 26 Aug 03 - 09:29 AM

How can you tell a Coastguardsman is lying? He begins a sea story with: "This happened to me, no shit."

Shelley, once a shipwrecked sailor came up on an island and found himself among a crowd of other strandees. After he was greeted and everyone went back to their normal doings, someone occasionally shouted out a number and everyone laughed.
He asked his guide why people would laugh at a number. "When we were wrecked, we had only one joke book. Each joke was numbered. After a while, we knew the jokes so well that we didn't need to hear them all over again to appreciate. In fact, it would have been annoying. We agreed that the numbers were enough for us."
The strandee thought this over and decided to give it a try. He called out "Nineteen." No one laughed.
He turned to his guide and asked "Why didn't anyone laugh?
The guide replied, "It ain't what you say but the way that you say it."


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Subject: RE: Folklore: Jokes I stole
From: Skipper Jack
Date: 26 Aug 03 - 11:19 AM

I wrote a song about a dog who came to a nasty end through drinking!

But he was sent back from "Doggie" Heaven to retrieve his tail he'd left jammed in the pub door.

It was way past "Stop Tap" when he got back to the pub and he howled until he got the landlord out of bed.

When the dog (called Boozo) asked for his tail.
This was the reply: "Don't you know that it is against the law to retail spirits after time?"

The inspiration?? for the song came from the nursery rhyme "Old Mother Hubbard" and from an old Cornish Folk Song!


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Subject: RE: Folklore: Jokes I stole
From: GUEST,NH Dave
Date: 26 Aug 03 - 11:24 AM

Spaw, one of my favorite military authors opines that "Oh Shit!" are the last words of a pilot who has really screwed up, causing the accident, while the really competent ones talk the problem out with folks on the ground to the very end.

As a career military person, the most scary words are a new officer or enlisted man saying, "I wonder what this does?"

True Story - The Air Force has a "summer camp" for AF Academy cadets, a sort of makee-learnee couple of weeks during the summer when they are not otherwise employed - if one can ever say this about cadets from ANY military academy. One time about 35 years ago when computers lived in large wall cabinets and were commonly loaded by running punched tapes containing the desired programs through the readers, we had a bunch of cadets visiting our aircraft simulator, a computer run carnival ride used to train pilots without losing the aircraft at the end of a baad run.

The cadets were spread out waiting their turn at trying to pilot a large cargo aircraft around the unfriendly skies, and generally poking their noses into everything, when one opened the door into one of the cabinets to watch the blinking lights. "What are you doing there, Sir?" inquired one of the simulator NCOs.

"Nothing Sergeant." replied the cadet, slamming the door, thus confirming he had been doing something, which dumped the computer running the simulator, which then had to be reloaded - a 40 minute procedure, as no one had ever connected all the bits of tape together so they could be run as one long line of programs rather than threading each tape bit through the reader individually.

   Dave


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Subject: RE: Folklore: Jokes I stole
From: Sabine
Date: 26 Aug 03 - 11:35 AM

There is one joke which is able to be told the same way in German without loosing its humour. I grabbed it in 1985.

I was on my way to Ireland and met with some friends at a Pub. We were waiting for others to join the session. And we were waiting for Shay Black.
It became later and later and Tony said, playing some chords on his bouzouki: "... Shay said he would come at 9 o' clock...... but he didn't say which day"

:o)

Still love this one



Sabine


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Subject: RE: Folklore: Jokes I stole
From: EBarnacle1
Date: 26 Aug 03 - 12:15 PM

What is the last thing to go through an insect's mind when it strikes your windshield?



Its butthole.


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Subject: RE: Folklore: Jokes I stole
From: HuwG
Date: 26 Aug 03 - 12:54 PM

One story which my father swears is true and was later used by [late North UK comedian] Les Dawson (and me), concerns a radio DJ. The DJ says, over the air, "Now we've had a request for this next record, for John Smith who is one hundred and eleven. Isn't that a remarkable age ? Anyway here is [track]". After the track finishes, the DJ comes back on the air and says, rather humbly, "I'm very sorry. That last record was apparently requested for John Smith who is ILL."


An old chestnut of a computer story, from the days of room-sized mainframes concerns a manager who shows some corporate guests round the computer operation. He points to a big cabinet covered with flashing lights and orders the nearest Tech. to tell the visitors what task it is engaged on. The Tech. says, "Well, it's cooling the room. That's the air conditioner. The computer is over there."

A lot of the jokes I use seem to have periodicity, rather like Halley's comet; it takes x years for everyone to forget about it and for it to reappear.


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Subject: RE: Folklore: Jokes I stole
From: Blackcatter
Date: 26 Aug 03 - 06:38 PM

How can a butthole go through anything - isn't the definition of a hole an "empty space"?

Also, if I'm not mistaken many fly insects don't have their "buttholes" at the very end on their body.


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Subject: RE: Folklore: Jokes I stole
From: Bill D
Date: 26 Aug 03 - 08:59 PM

awww...it's not supposed to make sense, Blackcatter...it's an excuse to type "butthole" ;>)...(weren't you ever in 5th grade?)


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Subject: RE: Folklore: Jokes I stole
From: Blackcatter
Date: 27 Aug 03 - 12:59 AM

Sorry,

Some of us find humor in the illogical nature of jokes.


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Subject: RE: Folklore: Jokes I stole
From: Bert
Date: 27 Aug 03 - 05:10 AM

Art says...Best compliment I ever got was Utah and Gamble Rogers taking my tales/lines/jokes and using 'em...

Art, that's 'cos you originated all the jokes that ever was.


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Subject: RE: Folklore: Jokes I stole
From: Joe_F
Date: 27 Aug 03 - 04:23 PM

Barnacle: My father used to tell about the time in, oh, 1917 or so, when he was an engineer in the U.S. Navy & ventured for the first time to go to sea in one of the destroyers he had helped design. He was being sick over a rail when an old sailor joined him and advised: If you feel something hairy & round coming up, swallow it down quick, because that's your asshole.


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Subject: RE: Folklore: Jokes I stole
From: Fortunato
Date: 27 Aug 03 - 09:46 PM

Well, the truth is blackcatter and Billd, that joke is:

"What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when he hits your windshield? His asshole."

Now, you see, guys (where is 'catspaw when you need him?), an asshole isn't actually a hole. It's really an aperture, which does, in fact, fact, have a physical presence sufficient to blow the fly's brain out through his 'face'.


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Subject: RE: Folklore: Jokes I stole
From: GUEST,Cookieless Blackcatter
Date: 28 Aug 03 - 01:45 AM

Well my argument continues to hinge on the use of the word hole.

If the joke said rectum (or whatever the bug equivelent would be) that would be fine, because that is the excretion tube. If it just used ass, that would be fine, because that typically includes much of the rear end (as in: "Hey Herb, don't you think that ladybug's got a nice ass?"). If it used sphincter it would also be fine because it would be defining the aperture Fortunato mentions.

But an asshole is an asshole. By modifying the word ass, it is defining the part of the anus or ass that, as far as I know, is not defined by any other word. The "empty place through which one deficates." It would be similar to the mouth cavity, and the eye socket. A hole by the definitions in my dictionary does not include the walls or whatever structure surrounds the hole. Certainly the shape of the hole is determined by these factors, but the hole is the empty space. If it is not, then the phrase: "Look at the empty space in the middle of that hole." would make sense. It does not for it is a redundant statement.

And for argument's sake, I think that the specific definition of asshole adds a bit of piquancy when the term is used in a derrogatory manner. Because while the rectum and the sphincter both are wonderful - if unfortunately associated (excuse the pun) - creations of millions of years of evolution (or something that God put together in a minute or so), wereas the hole is literally nothing that is directly connected to something distasteful.

And by the way: since the rectum is a collapsible tube (at least in mammals - is there an entymologist in the house?) unless it is actively "in use", technically, we don't always have an asshole. And depending on whether the fly is aware of impending death or not, and depending on whether said fly involuntarilly clinches up due to impending death, there is the possiblity that the fly does not even have an asshole at the time of death.

But I digress...

See, to me this is funny!


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Subject: RE: Folklore: Jokes I stole
From: Peterr
Date: 28 Aug 03 - 06:58 AM

Deep thought here. Anyone recall the SF story (Clarke? Azimov?) where the ETs overseeing the development or otherwise of the human race decided to to experiment by pressing a button and removing the sense of humour.
All jokes involve the discomfiture of a person in one way or another. True or false?


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Subject: RE: Folklore: Jokes I stole
From: Blackcatter
Date: 28 Aug 03 - 09:01 AM

false, I think, but man, many do.

There are puns and just funny stories that have nothing to do with people (such as the fly's asshole one).

And for instance - did you hear about the Buddhist Hamburger Stand? It will make you one with everything.

Not insulting to Buddhism or anyone.


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Subject: RE: Folklore: Jokes I stole
From: Amos
Date: 28 Aug 03 - 09:57 AM

And when you ask for your change, the standmmanager points out that change must come from within....


A


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Subject: RE: Folklore: Jokes I stole
From: Joe_F
Date: 28 Aug 03 - 06:15 PM

A joke doesn't need malice if it has wit and/or humor. But the best ones have all three. %^)


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Subject: RE: Folklore: Jokes I stole
From: Kevin Sheils
Date: 28 Aug 03 - 06:49 PM

Peterr

I read the SF story you mentioned many years ago. From the style of the story, and my failing memory, it might be have been by Robert Scheckley.

IIRC the premise of the story was that the ETs were conducting an experiment in which the only really spontaneous jokes made by humans were of the instant "pun" kind, which nobody laughs at but only groan, and as for the jokes people laugh at, nobody knows who wrote them.

The finale of the story being that when the Human Race realised this fact it never laughed again (or something like that).


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Subject: RE: Folklore: Jokes I stole
From: LadyJean
Date: 29 Aug 03 - 12:06 AM

My joke about the Southern Baptists, found elsewhere on this site, came from a friend who is a Southern Baptist. He is active in his church, believes God made the world in six days, and is a perfectly lovely man. I won't credit him with the joke, because the Southern Baptist Convention might not think it was funny.


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Subject: RE: Folklore: Jokes I stole
From: EBarnacle1
Date: 29 Aug 03 - 08:30 AM

re: the dog story above--Thereby hangs a tale.


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Subject: RE: Folklore: Jokes I stole
From: GUEST,fred miller
Date: 29 Aug 03 - 08:45 AM

the way I heard the bug joke it's just his butt.


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Subject: RE: Folklore: Jokes I stole
From: EBarnacle1
Date: 29 Aug 03 - 11:00 AM

Deconstruction can be hell. That may be why so academes in English Lit are so humorless.


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Subject: RE: Folklore: Jokes I stole
From: Blackcatter
Date: 29 Aug 03 - 06:24 PM

But sometimes its fun to deconstruct!

Especially if you don't get serious about it. I just happen to love the way people use words. I could say misuse words, but definitions are just conventions that we more or less agree to in order to make language work.

Take the word love. What's it mean? In English we use that word for a multipliciy of meanings that in many languages have their own word. Yet we typcically know what people mean when they use the word because of context.

Cool huh? So ahem . . . how about those Red Sox this year, eh?


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Subject: RE: Folklore: Jokes I stole
From: GUEST,pdq
Date: 29 Aug 03 - 08:30 PM

Deconstruction is what happened after the Civil War. That's when the North sent in all those carpet-layers.

(P.S.: Go Giants!)


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Subject: RE: Folklore: Jokes I stole
From: Amos
Date: 29 Aug 03 - 09:27 PM

And I won't be deconstructed,
And I do not give a damn...


(Song of the Un-deconstructed Paradox, as sung by Frank Warner)


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