Lyr Req: On 'is 'orse with 'is 'awk etc...

Subject: Lyr Req: On 'is 'orse with 'is 'awk etc...
From: Arnie
Date: 28 Aug 03 - 02:49 PM

Some time ago I heard a really funny sketch at the folk club about Harold on 'is 'orse with 'is 'awk on 'is 'and. I think it's based on a Stanley Holloway version - or maybe it's the original. Anyway, does anyone have the words or know where I can find them? Many thanks.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: On 'is 'orse with 'is 'awk etc...
From: Micca
Date: 28 Aug 03 - 02:53 PM

I think this is the one you want Try here

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: On 'is 'orse with 'is 'awk etc...
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 28 Aug 03 - 03:30 PM

it's in the DT isn't it?

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: On 'is 'orse with 'is 'awk etc...
From: The Barden of England
Date: 28 Aug 03 - 03:33 PM

It's a Les Barker poem.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: On 'is 'orse with 'is 'awk etc...
From: madwaff
Date: 28 Aug 03 - 03:41 PM

Sorry John - it's by a bloke called Marriott Edgar, who was the same guy wrote 'Albert and the Lion' etc. (tried to put blicky in here, but server playing up, but if blicky don't work, try www.monologues.co.uk )

cheers
mad

Subject: Lyr Add: THE BATTLE OF HASTINGS (Marriott Edgar)
From: Joe Offer
Date: 28 Aug 03 - 03:53 PM

I think I'll post the version Micca linked to, just so we have it. I don't know which is more true to the original, this or the one in the Digital Tradition. This one is certainly easier for an American to understand. The DT version sounds more "authentic."
-Joe Offer-

---

THE BATTLE OF HASTINGS
(Marriott Edgar)

I'll tell of the Battle of Hastings,
As happened in days long gone by,
When Duke William became King of England,
And 'Arold got shot in the eye.

It were this way - one day in October
The Duke, who were always a toff
Having no battles on at the moment,
Had given his lads a day off.

They'd all taken boats to go fishing,
When some chap in t' Conqueror's ear
Said 'Let's go and put breeze up the Saxons;'
Said Bill - 'By gum, that's an idea.'

Then turning around to his soldiers,
He lifted his big Norman voice,
Shouting - 'Hands up who's coming to England.'
That was swank 'cos they hadn't no choice.

They started away about tea-time -
The sea was so calm and so still,
And at quarter to ten the next morning
They arrived at a place called Bexhill.

King 'Arold came up as they landed -
His face full of venom and 'ate -
He said 'lf you've come for Regatta
You've got here just six weeks too late.'

At this William rose, cool but 'aughty,
And said 'Give us none of your cheek;
You'd best have your throne re-upholstered,
I'll be wanting to use it next week.'

When 'Arold heard this 'ere defiance,
With rage he turned purple and blue,
And shouted some rude words in Saxon,
To which William answered - 'And you.'

'Twere a beautiful day for a battle;
The Normans set off with a will,
And when both sides was duly assembled,
They tossed for the top of the hill.

King 'Arold he won the advantage,
On the hill-top he took up his stand,
With his knaves and his cads all around him,
On his 'orse with his 'awk in his 'and.

The Normans had nowt in their favour,
Their chance of a victory seemed small,
For the slope of the field were against them,
And the wind in their faces an' all.

The kick-off were sharp at two-thirty,
And soon as the whistle had went
Both sides started banging each other
'Til the swineherds could hear them in Kent.

The Saxons had best line of forwards,
Well armed both with buckler and sword -
But the Normans had best combination,
And when half-time came neither had scored.

So the Duke called his cohorts together
And said - 'Let's pretend that we're beat,
Once we get Saxons down on the level
We'll cut off their means of retreat.'

So they ran - and the Saxons ran after,
Just exactly as William had planned,
Leaving 'Arold alone on the hill-top
On his 'orse with his 'awk in his 'and.

When the Conqueror saw what had happened,
A bow and an arrow he drew;
He went right up to 'Arold and shot him.
He were off-side, but what could they do?

The Normans turned round in a fury,
And gave back both parry and thrust,
Till the fight were all over bar shouting,
And you couldn't see Saxons for dust.

And after the battle were over
They found 'Arold so stately and grand,
Sitting there with an eye-full of arrow
On his 'orse with his 'awk in his 'and.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: On 'is 'orse with 'is 'awk etc...
From: Desdemona
Date: 28 Aug 03 - 04:01 PM

Or, "I spy with my little eye, something beginning with A...."!

D.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: On 'is 'orse with 'is 'awk etc...
From: GUEST,Paul ('Make 'Em Laugh!')
Date: 28 Aug 03 - 04:06 PM

Hi, all...

picked up this thread from my stats. page so thought I'd jump in!
The original 'Battle Of Hastings' was, indeed, written and recited by Marriott Edgar although most people will probably remember the Stanley Holloway version.

I imagine that the version doing the rounds of the folk clubs today would be 'King Harold Was A Ventriloquist' by Les Barker. This can also be found on the 'Make 'Em Laugh!' pages by following the link below... or look under 'The Tradition Continues/Les Barker' on my index page.

Cheers...

King Harold Was A Ventriloquist

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: On 'is 'orse with 'is 'awk etc...
From: Herga Kitty
Date: 28 Aug 03 - 05:15 PM

Desdemona

Yes, but you forgot to mention that it's beautifully illustrated on a Bayeux tapestry type T-shirt! And the A doesn't stand for 'Arold, as he is the person doing the spying...

Kitty

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: On 'is 'orse with 'is 'awk etc...
From: Arnie
Date: 29 Aug 03 - 03:29 AM

Paul - it is the Les Barker version I heard - thanks for the link. Joe & Micca's version looks good too so I might give that a try for a change. Many thanks to all for your help.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: On 'is 'orse with 'is 'awk etc...
From: Peterr
Date: 29 Aug 03 - 06:32 AM

As usual with the talented Les Barker, his superb parodies can be enjoyed even more when you know the original. Sid Kipper is another international megastar to which this applies.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: On 'is 'orse with 'is 'awk etc...
From: mouldy
Date: 30 Aug 03 - 03:44 AM

There's also a T shirt you can get hold of (it may be one by Simon Drew) that has the bit from the Bayeux tapestry when 'arold gets it in the eye. Caption as previously, predictably of course - "I spy with my little eye, something beginning with A..."

I have 2 original books of the Marriott Edgar monologues. The Battle of Hastings is in "Albert, 'arold and Others". There were some facsimile copies printed in the 1970s, if my memory serves me correctly.

And yes, I thoroughly enjoy Les Barker's work!

Andrea

Subject: Lyr Add: THE BATTLE OF HASTINGS (Franglais version
From: GUEST,ray bower
Date: 13 May 07 - 05:09 PM

Hi, thought you might like my Franglais version which I wrote about 20 years ago whilst working in France. I have adapted it over the years, notably with reference to Ginola, the french footballer with a reputation for diving. Delivered with panache, it doesn't seem to matter that the audience have little understanding of French.


I'll tell of The Battle of Hastings
As 'appened in years long gone by:
How Guillaume became Roi d'Angleterre
And 'Arold got shot in the eye.

C'était comme ci:

One day in October, the duke,
Qui était un big man in France,
'Aving no battles on at the moment,
Had given his lads un vacance.

They'd all taken boats to go fishing,
When some "idiot" in t' conqueror's oreille,
Dit, "Allons faire la guerre aux Anglais."
Dit Guillaume, "C'est une idée."

So calling his cohorts around him,
He lifted his big Norman voix,
Dit, "Haut les mains, qui viennent avec moi!"
It's a joke; ils n'ont pas le choix.

They started off around tea time.
La mer est calme and still,
And at huit heures moins quart dans le matin,
They arrived in the town of Bexhill.

King 'Arold came up as they landed.
He said, "If you've come for a fight, it's no bon,
'Cos we've better fighters than you have,
So you might as well Allez-vous en."

At this Guillaume rose, cool but haughty.
Il dit, "Vous êtes stupide, Anglais,
'Cos we can beat you issy pissy.
Même avec les doigts dans le nez."

'Twas a beautiful day for a battle.
The Normans set off with a will,
And when both sides were duly assembled,
They tossed up for the top of the hill.

King 'Arold a gagné l'avantage.
Sur la colline, he took up his stand
With his knaves and his cohorts around him,
À cheval, le faucon à sa main.

The Normans had rien dans leur faveur.
Leur chance d'une victoire est petite,
For the slope of the field was against them,
Et le vent dans le visage, you see.

The Saxons had best line of forwards
Well armed both with buckler and sword,
But, the Normans had best combination,
And at half time neither had scored.

So the duke called his general, Ginola.
He said, "Psst, take a dive, lad; faire semble la défaite.
Quand nous avons les Saxons sur le plateau,
Nous couperons leur route de retraite.

So they ran and the Saxons ran after,
Exactement comme Guillaume had planned,
Leaving 'Arold, tout seul sur la colline,
À cheval, le faucon à sa main.

When Guillaume saw what had happened,
A bow and an arrow il apprit.
He went right up to 'Arold and shot him.
He were offside, mais c'est un fait accompli.

The Normans turned round with a fury
And gave back both parry and thrust,
Till t' battle were all ower bar t' shouting,
And you couldn't see t' Saxons for dust.

And after the battle was over,
They found 'Arold so stately and grand,
Sitting there with an eyeful of arrow,
À cheval, le faucon à sa main.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: On 'is 'orse with 'is 'awk etc...
From: My guru always said
Date: 13 May 07 - 05:36 PM

Wonderful Ray, thanks for that!!!

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: On 'is 'orse with 'is 'awk etc...
From: Declan
Date: 13 May 07 - 07:18 PM

I am a big fan of bith Simon Drew and Les Barker. I first heard Les in Sidmouth because a friend of mine, seeing me wearing a Simon Drew Tee-shirt that I'd bought that day said if you like that you should go and see Les Barker tonight - I did and was instantly hooked. (Thanks Meg if your reading this).

I love the line in Les Barker's parody that goes "It was one in the eye for 'Arold" - he even manages to bring Kosmo into the story. I hadn't realised that there was an original, and Les's was a parody, but I'm sure it makes it all the funnier.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: On 'is 'orse with 'is 'awk etc...
From: GerryMc
Date: 14 May 07 - 04:10 AM



The finest version has to be by Eddy Crotty of Fivepenny Piece fame, as recorded on the band's 'On Stage' LP. I have recently re-acquired this record for a quid in a second-hand shop.

Magic stuff

Gerry :-)

Subject: Lyr Add: KING HAROLD WAS A VENTRILOQUIST (L Barker
From: Dead Horse
Date: 14 May 07 - 05:51 AM

Les's version.
KING HAROLD WAS A VENTRILOQUIST
by
Les Barker

King Harold was a ventriloquist,
Not many people know
He used to work with animals,
He put on quite a show.
People came in thousands
To see his tour de force
To see the great King Harold...
On his hawk with his hand up his horse.

He could talk while drinking water,
He could talk while smoking a cig
But he had to keep his day job,
'Cos he didn't get many gigs.
He went to fight the Danes,
At Stamford Bridge near York
But he kept his hand in on the way...
On his horse with his hand up his hawk.

Well, they beat the Danes quite easy,
They gracefully gave in
But they wouldn't shake his hand,
'Cos they knew where it had been.
And Harold was impressive
At the head of his victorious force
"Hello, I'm Mr Ed." he said...
On his hawk with his hand up his horse.

He got a gig in Yorkshire
At a club in Battley
But he found 'The Miners Welfare'
Didn't want a royal Sooty.
They didn't like ventriloquists
And said so with brute force
And ejected poor old Harold...
On his hawk with his head up his horse.

He gratefully went south again
For he'd heard that Norman had landed
"Let's make haste for Hastings!" he cried,
Working his horse left handed.
His army marched past him in splendour
And the leader saluted the lads
And in doing so suffered concussion...
From the horse on his hand on his head.

Soon they got to Hastings
And the two armies got to grips
Harold was winning 3-1 at half time
And all without moving his lips.
"Who's in charge over there?" asked William,
"It's not Harold I've not seen him talk."
And he glared at the king of the English...
On his horse with his hand up his hawk.

"I'm being beaten by a parrot...
Somebody shoot the bird!"
And amid the tumult of battle,
Only one of his archers heard.
It was Cosmo, the fairly accurate archer,
He heard his master shout
He aimed an arrow at the hawk...
He was only a foot or so out!

It was one in the eye for Harold,
He immediately fell down dead
For though Cosmo had aimed at the parrot,
He'd hit Long John Silver instead.
William the Conqueror was furious,
Cosmo's life was imperilled
He'd made a spectacle of himself...
And a monocle of Harold.

And though William conquered the country,
It's of Harold people talk
Ventriloquist, King of England,
On his horse with his hand up his hawk.
It was a sight to frighten the foreign,
An English fighting force
With Harold at the head of his army...
On his hawk... with his hand... up his horse.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: On 'is 'orse with 'is 'awk etc...
From: Herga Kitty
Date: 14 May 07 - 06:49 PM

Thanks DH! I can just hear Les declaiming. And I think Les's version is great because you can see the last line coming and get the doubled pleasure of its arriving.

Kitty

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: On 'is 'orse with 'is 'awk etc...
From: Monologue Dave
Date: 24 Aug 13 - 06:16 PM

This is an old thread I know, but did anyone on here see Ray Bowers do his version?

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: On 'is 'orse with 'is 'awk etc...
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 25 Aug 13 - 04:33 AM

There is also a parody called ' Albert and the Vindaloo ' it ends with 2 lines which give away it's origins,

Sat there with a mouthfull of curry,
On his arse with his fork in his hand.

Dave H

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: On 'is 'orse with 'is 'awk etc...
From: GUEST,Guest
Date: 08 Aug 14 - 09:55 PM

Would love to hear from anyone who knew Ray Bowers.
Never saw him in action, but perhaps he would enjoy this rendition?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g2tUuCh5z-A