Lyr ADD: I've just given birth to a heifer

Subject: RE: Lyr ADD: I've just given birth to a heifer
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 04 Mar 22 - 12:05 PM

> Land Army. A British quasi-military service for females during WW2,
> I think.

City girls, dragooned into the countryside to replace farm workers who had been conscripted into the Forces; we needed the food. Hope that helps.

Subject: RE: Lyr ADD: I've just given birth to a heifer
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 04 Mar 22 - 10:30 AM

And that's is the way it seems to happen these days.

Straight up, No Bull! ;)


Someone told me they once mixed up the supplies of Bull & Goat semen.
I kid thee not!

Subject: RE: Lyr ADD: I've just given birth to a heifer
From: Joe Offer
Date: 01 Mar 22 - 03:48 PM

Here's a performance:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=79wEuK_97UI

Kay Elders at the Bridge Folk Club in Newcastle, 2017

Subject: RE: Lyr ADD: I've just given birth to a heifer
From: GUEST
Date: 01 Mar 22 - 02:29 PM

The version that I remember, from these Oh so many years, is David Wheeler's just above, but in a different order.

How dreary the farm and the meadows
The sheep pens are gloomy and grey
Now the one bit-of-fun, in the years dreary run
Has by science been taken away

I've just given birth to a heifer
And of pride and of milk I am full
But it's sad to relate, that my lacteal state
was not brought about by a bull

No, I've never been naughty. I swear it!
In spite of the calf that I've borne.
By Farmer Brown's tractor, I'm virgo intacta
I've never had a bull by the horn!

I know that the farm is a business,
In which we must all pull our weight
And I'd pull! Oh, I'd pull! For a strongly-built Bull.
It's this phony arrangement I hate!

Now, it mustn't be thought that I'm jealous,
And there are things a cow shouldn't say,
But those Land Army tarts, who handle our parts
Still get it the old-fashioned way!


Land Army. A British quasi-military service for females during WW2,
I think.

Subject: RE: Lyr ADD: I've just given birth to a heifer
From: GUEST,Bob Charleswortj
Date: 27 Feb 22 - 10:14 AM

Thank you so much for uploading these lyrics. I first heard this some 55 years ago, sung by "Blues Man" Cliff Aungier (Sadly no longer with us), in the Folk Club at the Dulwich "Half Moon" Which I helped to run with Bob Axford. I've no idea where he got it from, but he mentioned it being seen in the "Lancet" (Medical journal). Most of it is as I remember, and a couple of verses new to me, but it all hangs together quite well and as a previous poster pointed out, the "Folk" process will iron out the lyrics.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: I've just given birth to a heifer
From: GUEST,David Wheeler
Date: 25 Nov 21 - 04:33 AM

Dairy Cow's Lament.
Though I've just given birth to a heifer,
And of pride and of milk I am full,
It is sad to relate that my lacteal state
Was not brought about by a bull..
-----------
I've never been naughty - I swear it,
In spite of the calves I have born.
By Farmer Brown's tractor, I'm virgo intacto,
I've not had a bull by the horn.
-------------
How boring the farmyard and meadow,
The cowshed seems dreary and grey,
Since the one bit of fun in the year's dismal run_
Has by science been taken away.
--------------
Now I know that the farm is a business,
In which we must all pull our weight.
But I'd pull and I'd pull for a nicely built bull,
This phoney arrangement I hate.
------------------
Never let it be said that I'm jealous,
That's something a cow shouldn't do.
But those 'Land Army' tarts, who handle our parts,

Still get theirs in the old fashioned way.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: I've just given birth to a heifer
From: GUEST,JB3
Date: 07 Mar 18 - 03:17 PM

I heard this as a poem recited by one of the Clancys at the Tinvane Hotel in western Ireland, back in 1980. It came about because we were having a Session and I was asked what my father did for a living. (He worked for Curtiss Breeding Service, selling "animal health products!") I wish I could find those words! I remember some of it - it's similar to the one, above:

I have just given birth to an heifer
And yet, not of pride am I full
So sad to relate, but the lactical state
Was not brought about by the bull

I know I'm not a good-looker
At the county fair, I'll never parade
But the Good Lord preserve us
From this new, "finer" service
I'd rather have died an old maid

They say this service is progressive
And will become universal, some day
But the fine farmer's daughter, who brings me the water
Still gets it the old-fashioned way

--it ended with-
There's little more to be said, but,
Alas, how sad is my fate
Cows used to have fun, when our mothers were young
I guess I was born too late!

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: I've just given birth to a heifer
From: John in Brisbane
Date: 01 Feb 05 - 08:35 PM

Yes Barbara, the same tune is used for both. I struggled with that third line and I suspect that the folk process will ensure that the words ultimately change to make it less of a mouthful. I'd be delighted if you saw fit to modify either the dots or the lyrics.

I notice that I've made some errors in notating ties in this tune. The conventions in different systems confuses me no end. And I'm not sure that the Draft ABC Standard is very clear on this point - I need to do some homework.

Regards, John

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: I've just given birth to a heifer
From: Barbara
Date: 01 Feb 05 - 02:11 PM

Do they both go to that tune?

The third line doesn't quite scan unless you sing a lot of sylables on the last note. And then the accent is often on the wrong syLABle.
So how does it go?
Blessings,
Barbara

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: I've just given birth to a heifer
From: John in Brisbane
Date: 01 Feb 05 - 02:44 AM

Thanks Bob, of course it is - only the verse is used. Here's an ABC, the chords work for me.

Regards, John

COPY THE TEXT BELOW TO http://www.concertina.net/tunes_convert.html IF YOU WANT TO SEE THE SCORE OR LISTEN TO THE MIDI FILE.

X:1
T:The Bull's Despair
M:3/4
L:1/32
Q:1/4=135
K:C
G8|"C"e8d8c8|"F"d8c8A8|"C"G8E16-|E8z8G8|e8d8c8|
w:They say I'm a champ-i-on bull, sir, My genes are the
"D7"c8B8c8|"G"d24-|"G7"d8z8   G8|"C"e8d8c8|"F"d8c8A8|
w:best ones to sow,   My broth-ers all got the un
"C"G4G4E16-|"A7"E8z8    G4G4|"D7"A8d8c8|"G7"B8A8B8|"C"c24-|c16|
w:kind-est cut, But with pride I still swing to and fro.
W:
W:        The Bull's Despair
W:        
W:        They say I'm a champion bull, sir,
W:        My genes are the best ones to sow,
W:        My brothers all got
W:        The unkindest cut
W:        But with pride I still swing to and fro.
W:        
W:        My grandfather told me of his exploits,
W:        Of springtimes the natural way,
W:        He and his mates
W:        Would rush through the gates
W:        And see how many cows they could lay.
W:        
W:        Now, I've fathered some thousands of calves, sir,
W:        Yet I've not seen a flesh and blood heifer,
W:        For me, it's a vet
W:        With a latex pipette
W:        In a fibreglass cow, that they proffer.
W:        
W:        Darwin showd us behaviour's passed down, sir,
W:        We seek romance to help us beget,
W:        If this practice adheres
W:        For some thousands of years
W:    Bulls will lust for the most dextrous vet!

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: I've just given birth to a heifer
From: GUEST,Bob Coltman
Date: 31 Jan 05 - 11:56 AM

I think that "well known original" tune is "My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean."

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: I've just given birth to a heifer
From: Charley Noble
Date: 31 Jan 05 - 10:36 AM

Udderly delightful ditty!

Charley Noble, who used to think that was how human babies came about

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: I've just given birth to a heifer
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 31 Jan 05 - 04:47 AM

second lsat line of the last verse was always 'These Land Army Tarts what handles our parts' when I were a lad. I always thought it sort of dated the song too, although whether the arrival of artificial insemination for cows overlapped the departure of the Womens Land Army is a MOOt point.
Giok

Subject: Lyr Add: THE COW'S LAMENT and THE BULL'S DESPAIR
From: John in Brisbane
Date: 31 Jan 05 - 03:17 AM

Heard this again in ABC Radio Nationasl Science Show and was pleased to recall that these lyrics had been posted, but there's a sequel as well.

The tune? It's the same tune as 'My God How The Money Rolls In", but I can't recall what the well lnown original is called.

Regards, John

THE COW'S LAMENT

I have just given birth to a calf sir,
And with motherly pride I am full,
But pray do not laugh
And please do not chaff
When I tell you I've not had a bull.

The farmyard's a drearier place, sir,
The meadows are not longer gay,
Since the one bit of fun
In the year's dismal run
Has, by science, been taken away.

No bull has embraced me with passion,
I've not had the ghost of a binge.
I haven't been loved
I've been ruthlessly shoved
By a girl, with a flaming syringe.

You may say that is all very well, sir,
There are some things a cow should not say,
But those veterinary tarts
Who play with our parts,
They still get it the old-fashioned way.

Submitted to Science Show by David Marland


THE BULL'S DESPAIR

They say I'm a champion bull, sir,
My genes are the best ones to sow,
My brothers all got
The unkindest cut
But with pride I still swing to and fro.

My grandfather told me his exploits,
Of springtimes the natural way,
He and his mates
Would rush through the gates
And see how many cows they could lay.

Now, I've fathered some thousands of calves, sir,
Yet I've not seen a flesh and blood heifer,
For me, it's a vet
With a latex pipette
In a fibreglass cow, that they proffer.

Darwin showd us behaviour's passed down, sir,
We seek romance to help us beget,
If this practice adheres
For some thousands of years
Bulls will lust for the most dextrous vet!

Submitted to Science Show by Ian Bryce

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: I've just given birth to a heifer
From: GUEST
Date: 03 Oct 03 - 01:44 PM

tune?

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: I've just given birth to a heifer
From: GUEST,Les B.
Date: 02 Oct 03 - 05:19 PM

Any hint as to what the tune is like ?

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: I've just given birth to a heifer
From: Glynn
Date: 02 Oct 03 - 07:46 AM

Thankyou, got the whole song now and after all that time! Yes, I believe it was one of John Knights, I never got round to asking Patrick or Andrew when they were up here in the NE and now that they're in foreignish climes, I doubt I'd get a chance.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: I've just given birth to a heifer
From: Splott Man
Date: 02 Oct 03 - 04:46 AM

I learnt it in the 60s or early 70s from a bloke called Big Theo, but I don't know if he wrote it.

regards

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: I've just given birth to a heifer
From: katlaughing
Date: 02 Oct 03 - 12:42 AM

breezy...LOL...no! not gonna go there...I honestly didn't know a thing about this song, so thought it might be a childbirthing parody...ya know, sometimes giving birth one feels as though it just might BE a cow!**bg**

Thanks!

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: I've just given birth to a heifer
From: GUEST
Date: 01 Oct 03 - 11:15 PM

GLYNN

there are two lines missing in my copy

There others, but did you find YOUR two lines yet?

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: I've just given birth to a heifer
From: Art Thieme
Date: 01 Oct 03 - 11:05 PM

Well, heifer thread is better than none I guess !

Art Thieme

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: I've just given birth to a heifer
From: vectis
Date: 01 Oct 03 - 08:59 AM

Cast iron!!! I do hope not..
Brass-bound is much more accurate

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: I've just given birth to a heifer
From: GUEST,Leslie Butler
Date: 01 Oct 03 - 07:12 AM

Second & third lines of first verse should be: "of pride and of milk I am full/ but it's sad to relate that my lacteal state"

And it's a cast iron syringe, not a plastic one, both for historical veracity and for added pathos.

I learned it from the late John Knight donkeys ago and he reckoned it appeared in the Croydon Advertiser in the 40's.
Regards all

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: I've just given birth to a heifer
From: GUEST
Date: 01 Oct 03 - 05:55 AM

"Penny Black" - confusing just like "Bare Naked Ladies

PS/JB AKA Penny Black

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: I've just given birth to a heifer
From: breezy
Date: 01 Oct 03 - 04:56 AM

so your daughter's a bit of a cow? nah, dont do that.
Try the 'Childbirth Shanty' instead
'Bear down'

Subject: ADD: The Cow's Lament
From: Joe Offer
Date: 01 Oct 03 - 02:36 AM

I posted this just at the time Mudcat went down this afternoon, but I guess it didn't take. Penny's transcription seems like it might be more accurate, and it seems this one might have a couple of Mondegreens (cf. "late little state"). Still, it has an additional verse and I think it's worth posting.
-Joe Offer-

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Copied from This site (click).

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The Cow's Lament I've just given birth to a heifer, Of pride and milk I am full. But it's sad to relate my late little state Was not brought about by a bull. I've never been naughty, I swear it, Despite the calf that I've borne. Like Farmer Brown's tractor I'm virgo intacta, I've not had a bull by the horns. How drab are the farm yards and meadows, The paddocks seem empty and grey. The one bit of fun in life's dreary run Has by science been taken away. If what I've heard is the truth, And natural to all it must seem, A cow's female passion is all out of fashion And bully is naught but a dream. I know that the farm is a business In which we must all pull our weight. Well I'd pull and I'd pull for a strongly built bull, But this phoney business I hate. No bull has ever caressed me, I've not had the ghost of a binge. I'd never been loved but brutally shoved By a bloody great plastic syringe. It must be thought that I'm jealous, There are things a cow mustn't say, But those female tarts that handle my parts Still get theirs the old fashioned way. Author Unknown

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: I've just given birth to a heifer
From: Leadfingers
Date: 30 Sep 03 - 08:34 PM

Penny I was posting that except for the first line of the last verse
which I just could not remember when the Cat went down this afternoon.
A mate used to sing that back in the good old days.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: I've just given birth to a heifer
From: GUEST,Penny Black
Date: 30 Sep 03 - 07:20 PM

Well I've just given birth to a heifer,
And the pride of the milk I am full,
But I'm sad to relate that my lactical state
Was not brought about by a bull..

                   -----------

No I've never been naughty I swear it,
In spite of the calves I have born.
By Farmer Brown's tractor, I'm virgo intacta,
I've not had a bull by the horn.

                -------------

How dreary the farmyard and meadow,
The cowshed's so gloomy and grey,
For the one bit of fun in the year's daily run'
Has by science been taken away.

                --------------

Now I know that the farm is a business,
In which we must all pull our weight.
But I've pulled and I've pulled for a nice bit of bull,
For this phoney arrangement I hate.

                ------------------

Now never let it be said that I'm jealous,
For that's something a cow shouldn't be.
But those 'Land Army' tarts, who handle my parts,
Still get theirs the old fashioned way.

                  -------------------

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: I've just given birth to a heifer
From: vectis
Date: 30 Sep 03 - 05:40 PM

I only know the one that goes

"I've just given birth to a calf sir"
I assume yours is different

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: I've just given birth to a heifer
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 30 Sep 03 - 05:35 PM

I think it's called something like The Ballad of the dicontented Cow after Artificial Insemination, but haven't heard it for 20+ years.
Giok

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: I've just given birth to a heifer
From: katlaughing
Date: 30 Sep 03 - 12:53 PM

What a memory? And, ya don't even share the rest of it with us?! **BG** C'mon, breezy...give it up, pretty please?! I've a daughter who's set to deliver in Dec. and would love to share this with her. LOL

Thanks,

kat

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: I've just given birth to a heifer
From: breezy
Date: 30 Sep 03 - 12:11 PM

I've never been naughty I swear it,
In spite of this calf I have born


what a memory!!!!!

St Albans folk club re-opens this friday at the Comfort Hotel with Steve Tilston

now learn some decent stuff instead of this old dated manure!!!

Subject: Lyr Req: I've just given birth to a heifer
From: Glynn
Date: 30 Sep 03 - 10:06 AM

Very funny song and I'd like to be able to sing the whole thing but there are two lines missing in my copy. they're from the verse that ends "By Farmer Brown's tractor, I'm virgo intacta, I've never had a bull by it's horns!" Can anyone help?