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Subject: BS: Raunchy limericks From: Peace Date: 02 Dec 03 - 02:04 PM Limericks ain't been done to death until there is no humour left in the world. How about the best one or two you've heard (with the really bad words censored so that we all will know what they are)? NO FRIGGIN' EDWARD LEER, unless it's really dirty. Here's for starters. There once was a girl named Alice, Who used a dynamite stick as a phallus; They found her vagina In South Carolina, And parts of her anus in Dallas. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: kendall Date: 02 Dec 03 - 02:11 PM There once was a fella named Jock He tied mandolin strings to his cock When he got an erection He could play any selection From Johanne Sebastian Bach. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Midchuck Date: 02 Dec 03 - 02:12 PM Kendall, you ready to double-team this poor guy? Let's see.... Far from the dirtiest, but one with a really nice flow... As Titian was mixing Rose-madder His model posed nude on a ladder Her position, to Titian, Suggested coition So he climed up the ladder and had 'er. Next? P. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Midchuck Date: 02 Dec 03 - 02:15 PM No, no, Kendall. It goes: A young man from old Little Rock Was born with a two-headed cock. When he fondled the thing It would rise up and sing An antiphonal chorus by Bach. There was young lady in Natchez Who chanced to be born with two snatches She often said, "Shit, I would give either tit For a man with equipment that matches!" But whether these two ever met Has not been recorded as yet. Still, it would be diverting To see him inserting The thing while it sang a duet. P. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Peace Date: 02 Dec 03 - 02:15 PM This is a corruption of one written by Isaac Asimov. I can't quite remember the original. There once was a fellow named Adam, I'll tell you his tale, it's a glad 'un; He thought with great mirth On the day of his birth, There were two balls on Earth, and he had 'em. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Joe_F Date: 02 Dec 03 - 03:11 PM A young lady who lived near the Bosporus Was seduced by a red-eyed rhinocerous. Said she, with a shriek, "His horn is unique And leaves the men looking preposterous." Now everyone likes a butch guy. That's a fact that we cannot deny. But between butch and bitch Is such a small switch -- Just the difference between U and I! The youth who frequent picture palaces Have no use for psychoanalysis. Altho Dr Freud Is distinctly annoyed, They cling to their long-standing fallacies. You can smoke a symbolic cigar. You can ride in a long, sexy car. But a phallic church steeple, To sensible people, Is stretching the thing rather far. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Cluin Date: 02 Dec 03 - 03:31 PM An athletic young lad named O'Hare Was boffing a girl on the stair When the bannister broke, He doubled his stroke And polished her off in mid-air |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: greg stephens Date: 02 Dec 03 - 03:37 PM Do cock and Bach rhyme properly in an American accent? I cant quite visualise it(that's the wrong word, auralise it, or something). Sorry, thread creep.I'd better contribute something to get on track. There ws a young man from Pitlochry Who seduced a young girl on a rockery she said as he come All over her bum That's not a f**k that's a mockery (Note the asterisks, I would hate to be accused of being rude) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: GUEST,pdq Date: 02 Dec 03 - 04:16 PM There was a young man named brucie Who fell in love with a moosie He had not been warned That the ones with the horns Are the ones which have not a poosie |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: GUEST,ClaireBear Date: 02 Dec 03 - 04:23 PM There once was a charming young miss Who went down to the river to read. A young man in a punt Stuck his arm in her eye And now when she reads, she needs glasses. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: ThomasO Date: 02 Dec 03 - 04:46 PM There was a young girl from St Helens Who had quite fantastical melons they were big it is true but her c**t was big two as big as a full colour aerial view of Cape Horn and the straights of Magellen. I thank you!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Peace Date: 02 Dec 03 - 04:58 PM Dear Greg, Yes, they do. Additionally, I think you might want to visualise it instead of aur--oh, pardon me a million times. I see which you mean now! How foolish of me. Nasty thought on my part. Bruce |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: GUEST,petr Date: 02 Dec 03 - 05:05 PM well there was a worldwide limerick writing contest and the surprise winner was an elderly Irish lady, who ousted the current champion of 10 years. when he found out about it he had to go over and meet her and hear the limerick. When he finally got to the small Irish village in where she lived he asked her to say the limerick - which she declined as it is not to polite to say in person.. he finally said just blank the dirty words and I can fill in the rest she said ok... da dadada da dadada da dadada da da and they fucked in a bucket of shite. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Alaska Mike Date: 02 Dec 03 - 05:06 PM There once was a nun from Siberier, Who had a virgin interior. Until a monk Crawled into her bunk, And now she's a mother superior. Then of course, there was the fellow from Nantucket, but I'm not going to go there. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Raedwulf Date: 02 Dec 03 - 05:08 PM A similar one to Claire's is There was a young lady from Bude Who went for a swim in a pond A man in a punt Stuck his pole in the water And said "You can't swim here, it's private!" "Pole" for "arm" is so much more suggestive, I feel (fnarr-fnarr)... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Bill D Date: 02 Dec 03 - 05:58 PM There once was a mathematician Who preferred an exotic position. 'Twas the joy of his life To achieve with his wife Topologically complex coition. Il y avait un plombier, Francois, Qui plombait sa femme dans le Bois. Dit-elle, "Arrêtez! J'entends quelqu'un venait" Dit le plombier, en plombant, "C'est moi!" Es gibt ein Plummer von Tinz, Er schläft mit ein Mädel von Linz. Sie sagt, "Halt sein' plummen, Ich höre Mann kommen." "Jacht, jacht", sagt der Plummer, "Ich binz". |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Bill D Date: 02 Dec 03 - 06:07 PM So here was this fellow of Strensall, Whose penis was shaped like a pencil. 'Twas anemic, 'tis true, But an interesting screw, Inasmuch as the tip was prehensile. A sensual nympho, Miss Chisholm, Was renowned for her fine paroxysm. While the man detumesced,' She spent on with zest.. Her rapture sheer anachronism. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Dave the Gnome Date: 02 Dec 03 - 06:15 PM There was a young man from Peel Green Who invented a wanking machine On the 99th stroke The fucking thing broke And whipped his poor bollocks to cream. There was a young man from Belgrave Who found a dead whore in a cave He said "It's disgusting But it only needs dusting And think of the money I'll save" Well, you did say dirty... Cheers :D (tG) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Rapparee Date: 02 Dec 03 - 06:40 PM The rector of Dustin St. Just Consumed with canonical lust Raped the Bishop's prize owls His precious young fowls, And a little green lizard, what bust. There was a young fellow named Green Who invented a f***ing machine Both concave and convex It would serve either sex And service itself in between. There was a young lady from Madras Who had a most magnificant ass Not rounded and pink As you probably think, But gray, had long ears and ate grass. The last time I slept with the Queen She smiled as I muttered, "Ich dien." (No, I don't think I'll finish this one.) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Alaska Mike Date: 02 Dec 03 - 06:50 PM A beautiful girl named Egret, Would twiddle herself while she slept. And when she would cream She'd wake up from her dream, And consider herself quite adept. There was a cockmaster named Bob, He was huge from his balls to his knob. No matter how large the chasm, He could bring an orgasm. For Bob was quite good at his job. There once was a cowboy from Dallas Who masterbated his phallus. He rubbed and he played, Til he wore away. And now there is nothing but callus. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: pixieofdoom Date: 02 Dec 03 - 06:53 PM There was a yound artist named Saint Who swallowed some samples of paint All shades of the spectrum Flowed out of his rectum With a colourful lack of restraint There was a gay man from Khartoum Who took a lesbian up to his room They argued all night As to who had the right To do what, and with which and to whom |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Peace Date: 02 Dec 03 - 07:32 PM Rapaire, you dog, at least put the rest of the limerick in code. That'll help me with the other one. ;) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: GUEST,Cretinous Yahoo Date: 02 Dec 03 - 07:53 PM There was a young lady named Heather Her pussy was made out of leather She attracted the boys by making a noise Rubbing its edges together. A mathmetician named Hall Had a hexihedronical ball The cube of its weight Plus his pecker, times eight Was four fifths of five eights of fuck all. The was a hermit named Dave He dug a dead whore from her grave She was moldy as shit And missing a tit But think of the money he saved. (Sorry Dave) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: kendall Date: 02 Dec 03 - 07:58 PM There once was a heathen Chinee Who humped an ape in a tree The result was quite horrid All arse, no forhead Three balls and a purple goatee. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Snuffy Date: 02 Dec 03 - 08:12 PM The last time I dined with the King He did a peculiar thing He sat on a stool And pulled out his tool And said "If I play, will you sing?" The dirty old Bishop of Birmingham Once rogered three maids while confirming 'em As they knelt seeking God He excited his rod And pumped his episcopal sperm in 'em A young couple from Aberystwyth United the organs they kissed with By turns and degrees On their hands and their knees They got to the organs they pissed with |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: GUEST,Obie Date: 02 Dec 03 - 08:24 PM My favourite: There was a young lady from Thrace Who's corset grew too tight to lace Says her mother to Nellie, "There's more in your belly Than ever went in through your face." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Cluin Date: 02 Dec 03 - 09:05 PM There was a young fellow named Perkin Who forever was jerkin' his gherkin His father said "Perkin, Stop jerkin' your gherkin! Your gherkin's fer ferkin', not jerkin'" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Alaska Mike Date: 02 Dec 03 - 09:35 PM I was just in the Mudchat room talking with jimmyt and he mentioned that at one time he was thinking about buying an abandoned whorehouse in Tubac, Arizona. I couldn't help writing this limerick. Once a dentist named Jimmy the Man, Bought a whorehouse as his financial plan, But the whores wouldn't work, So he said with a smirk, "I guess I'll just run it by hand." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Rapparee Date: 02 Dec 03 - 10:32 PM There were two old maids of Birmingham And this is the story concernin' 'em. The lifted the frock And diddled the cock Of the bishop as he was confirmin' 'em. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Bill D Date: 02 Dec 03 - 10:35 PM from memory, for Brucie: The last time I slept with the Queen She smiled as I muttered, "Ich dien." "Please put the light out, It's royalty's night out. The queen may be had, but not seen". If that's the one Rapaire knows, I have no idea why he wouldn't finish it. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: GUEST,pdq Date: 03 Dec 03 - 01:30 PM mainly for jimmyt and Alaska Mike... There was a young punk in a cadillac Who spent his time listening to Tupac We put a bomb, so neat Under the moron's front seat And pieces landed from here to Tubac |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: musicmick Date: 03 Dec 03 - 01:47 PM Here are a couple I wrote. 'Though potency puckers pudendum If you've seeds in your scrotum, then spend 'em Nor should pregnancy bother the unmarried father Iligitimus non carberendum (Please excuse spelling) Sure as grave robbers gave us "skulduggery" Sure as "mug shots" is taken from muggery There's a six legged lass With a cock up her ass The true ANTecedent of buggery. (I do others, Mr. Mack) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Cluin Date: 03 Dec 03 - 02:31 PM Not limericks, but... In days of old When knights were bold And condoms weren't invented They tied their socks Around their cocks And babies were prevented In days of old When knights were bold And toilets weren't invented They laid their load Beside the road Then walked away contented In the days of old When knights were bold But not overly particular They hung a sheep upon a pole And shagged it perpendicular |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Fred (Beetle) Bailey Date: 03 Dec 03 - 03:27 PM and the grevious tale of Dead-Eye Dick unfortunately, born with a corkscrew p***k, who searced the world in a fruitless hunt to find him a woman with a corkscrew c**t, then found her, screamed and fell over dead when he saw that she had a left-hand thread. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Midchuck Date: 03 Dec 03 - 03:51 PM This is one I composed myself. I was on a panel for an educational seminar for our county Bar Association, shortly after Vermont enacted the Civil Unions law. The seminar was about the possible effects of the new law on various forms of property. My own field was real estate, so I had nothing to say when the discussion got into the effect on various retirement accounts, particularly in light of the non-recognition of civil unions by the feds, particularly the IRS. I sat there scribbling, and came up with the following: A couple got married, though gay. One wanted his friend's IRA. He said to him, "Stover, We need a rollover!" "Right now?" said his partner,"Okay!" I am aware that I will be accused of insensitivity for producing the above. I plead guilty. Insensitivity is of the essence of a good limerick. Also, I realize the above may confuse our British cousins, what with IRA having quite a different meaning over there, but it can't be helped. Peter. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: mike the knife Date: 03 Dec 03 - 03:54 PM Stolen from a Vonnegut book I think... There once was a sailor named Rex who avoided pre-marital sex by thinking of Jesus and social diseases and beating his meat below decks |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: kendall Date: 03 Dec 03 - 04:27 PM Folks, you may not know it, but I have dubbed Midchuck, "Peter the Great" He knows more limericks than anyone else I ever met. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: C-flat Date: 03 Dec 03 - 04:51 PM There once was a fellow from Kent whose cock was exeedingly bent to save himself trouble he put it in double and instead of coming he went! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Cluin Date: 03 Dec 03 - 05:42 PM Well, if nobody else is gonna post this old standard, I will... There was an old man from Nantucket Whose dick was so long he could suck it He said with a grin, As he wiped off his chin "If my ear was a c__t I could f__k it!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Bill D Date: 03 Dec 03 - 05:53 PM sure is a lot of thread creep here..*grin*...we purists would LOVE to see just good **limericks**. (one note..it is possible to have good 'erotic' or 'adult' limericks without words that need As**risks....sometimes the poem has little to recommend it except as an excuse to say "fuck" or whatever.. I really love limericks that manage to to be clever, ribald and still not simply 'crude' dirty.) ...The one about Titian from Midchuck is a good example, and rightly famous! From deep in the crypt at St. Giles Came a scream that echoed for miles. "Well, my goodness gracious", Said Brother Ignacious, "I didn't know that Your Lordship had piles!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Joe_F Date: 03 Dec 03 - 06:41 PM ...Now, that bishop was nobody's fool -- He'd been to divinity school -- So he hauled down his breeches And screwed those two witches With his holy episcopal tool. Now, one of those girls was named Sue, And Sue said, when the bishop was through, "The vicar was quicker And slicker and thicker And two inches longer than you." Possibly not the same person: There was once a young lady named Sue Who preferred a stiff drink to a screw, But one leads to the other, And now she's a mother -- Let that be a lesson to you! And, possibly yet another Sue: There was once a young lady of Fife Whose man was the bane of her life, For he had an aversion To every perversion, And only liked fucking his wife. Well, one day the poor lady struck, And she wept, and she cursed her hard luck, Saying, "Where have you gotten us With your monotonous Fuck after fuck after fuck? I once knew a harlot named Sue, And a versatile dame she was, too! After ten years of whoredom, She perished of boredom When she married a jackass like you." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Cluin Date: 03 Dec 03 - 07:00 PM And then there's this one, BillD... Fuckfuck fuckfuckfuck fuck fuck Fuckfuck fuckfuckfuck fuck fuck Shittypiss shitty piss Shit pissy pisspiss Fuckfuck fuckfuckfuck fuck fuck |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Leadfingers Date: 03 Dec 03 - 07:19 PM Back in the good old days when I was a resident singer in a pub where the landlord expected 'Rugby' songs after nine thirty we used to kick off the Limericks with :- A Limerick packs laughs anatomical In a space that is quite economical But the good ones we've seen So seldom are clean And the clean ones so seldom are comical God's plan made a hopeful beginning But man went and spoiled it by sinning We trust that the story Will end in Gods Glory But at prsent the other sides winning |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: kendall Date: 03 Dec 03 - 07:29 PM A broken down harlot named Tupps Was heard to exclaim in her cups The height of my folly Was screwing a Collie But, I got a good price for the pups. a clean one? There once was a girl named Ann Farrell Who loved to play "Stud" for apparel Her oponent's straight flush Brought a maidenly blush And a hasty trip home in a barrel. There was a woman named Anna, Who thought she could play the pianna But, what do you know? on her very first show She got hit with a rotten bananna. There was a fella named Carter A world class prodigious farter He could fart anything from God Save the King To Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: GUEST Date: 03 Dec 03 - 07:33 PM I'm going under cover for this one. It's personal, made up by a former lady friend. There once was an ageing folksinger Who caught his dick in a wringer Says he "It's no trouble, I'll simply redouble My efforts with tongue and finger." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Bill D Date: 03 Dec 03 - 07:47 PM hmmm, Cluin...and your point is? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Bill D Date: 03 Dec 03 - 08:03 PM (and the meter is a bit off, too) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Bill D Date: 03 Dec 03 - 08:45 PM oh, Kendall..you remind me! Here's the full "Farter from Sparta"...a true classic.. There was a young fellow from Sparta, A really magnificent farter, On the strength of one bean He'd fart God Save the Queen, And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata. He could vary, with proper persuasion, His fart to suit any occasion. He could fart like a flute, Like a lark, like a lute, This highly fartistic Caucasian. This sparkling young farter from Sparta, His fart for no money would barter. He could roar from his rear Any scene from Shakespeare, Or Gilbert and Sullivan's Mikado. He'd fart a gavotte for a starter, And fizzle a fine serenata. He could play on his anus The Coriolanus: Oof, boom, er-tum, tootle, yum tah-dah! He was great in the Christmas Cantata, He could double-stop fart the Toccata, He'd boom from his ass Bach's B-minor Mass, And in counterpoint, La Traviata. Spurred on by a very high wager With an envious German named Bager, He proceeded to fart The complete oboe part Of a Haydn Octet in B-major. His repertoire ranged from classics to jazz, He achieved new effects with bubbles of gas. With a good dose of salts He could whistle a waltz Or swing it in razzamatazz. Hi basso, with timbre so rare He rendered with power to spare. But his great work of art, His fortissimo fart, He saved for the Marche Militaire. One day he was dared to perform, The William Tell Overture Storm, But naught could dishearten Our spirited Spartan, For his fart was in wonderful form. It went off in capital style, And he farted it through with a smile, Then, feeling quite jolly, He tried the finale, Blowing double-stopped farts all the while. The selection was tough, I admit. But it did not dismay him one bit, Then, with ass thrown aloft He suddenly coughed... And collapsed in a shower of shit. His bunghole was blown back to Sparta, Where they buried the rest of our farter, With a gravestone of turds Inscribed with the words: "To the Fine Art of Farting, A Martyr." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Midchuck Date: 03 Dec 03 - 10:51 PM I am a most virtuous bloke. I do not drink, swear chew or smoke. All vices eschewing, I stick to my screwing; And sometimes, on Sundays, snort coke. A nude wooed a prude in Bermuda He was nude, she was shrewd, he was shrewder. She said, "It is lewd, To be wooed in the nude" But he wooed her, pursued her, and screwed her. The inbred sixth Viscount of Hume Kept, always, a boy in his room; And would take, as his right, On each serf's wedding night, His Droit du Signeur, from the groom. P. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Rapparee Date: 03 Dec 03 - 11:07 PM A gay young student from Gotham Said "Police, pimps and priests can be rotten. But be sins great or small I've found that them all Can be a fine fellow, at bottom. |
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