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BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement

GUEST,Miss "Q" of Twillingsgate 11 Dec 03 - 09:42 PM
khandu 11 Dec 03 - 09:45 PM
GUEST,Miss "Q" of Twillingsgate 11 Dec 03 - 09:51 PM
Amos 11 Dec 03 - 09:53 PM
khandu 11 Dec 03 - 10:01 PM
khandu 11 Dec 03 - 10:10 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 11 Dec 03 - 10:12 PM
GUEST,Ms Penelope Rutledge 11 Dec 03 - 10:14 PM
GUEST,Ms Penelope Rutledge 11 Dec 03 - 10:28 PM
artbrooks 11 Dec 03 - 10:57 PM
GUEST,Elvis Presley 11 Dec 03 - 11:06 PM
khandu 11 Dec 03 - 11:20 PM
Little Hawk 11 Dec 03 - 11:58 PM
GUEST,Dirty Old Git 12 Dec 03 - 04:59 AM
GUEST 12 Dec 03 - 05:04 AM
GUEST 12 Dec 03 - 05:30 AM
GUEST,freds 12 Dec 03 - 11:39 AM
GUEST,Skipjack K8 12 Dec 03 - 11:44 AM
Little Hawk 12 Dec 03 - 04:45 PM
Amos 12 Dec 03 - 04:51 PM
artbrooks 12 Dec 03 - 05:02 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 12 Dec 03 - 05:25 PM
Amos 12 Dec 03 - 06:10 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 12 Dec 03 - 06:17 PM
khandu 12 Dec 03 - 09:13 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 12 Dec 03 - 09:22 PM
Amos 12 Dec 03 - 09:51 PM
khandu 12 Dec 03 - 10:00 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 12 Dec 03 - 11:22 PM
Tweed 13 Dec 03 - 09:14 AM
GUEST,Ms Penelope Rutledge 13 Dec 03 - 09:38 AM
Amos 13 Dec 03 - 09:45 AM
GUEST,A casual observer... 13 Dec 03 - 10:01 AM
Tweed 13 Dec 03 - 11:37 AM
Amos 13 Dec 03 - 12:07 PM
Tweed 13 Dec 03 - 01:07 PM
GUEST,Norbert (the butler) 13 Dec 03 - 01:20 PM
GUEST,Percy Gardner 13 Dec 03 - 01:45 PM
Oaklet 13 Dec 03 - 02:29 PM
Amos 13 Dec 03 - 02:33 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 13 Dec 03 - 11:16 PM
Amos 13 Dec 03 - 11:20 PM
Ebbie 14 Dec 03 - 03:56 AM
Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull 14 Dec 03 - 04:30 AM
Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull 14 Dec 03 - 05:07 AM
Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull 14 Dec 03 - 05:18 AM
Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull 14 Dec 03 - 05:27 AM
GUEST,Albert the Gardener 14 Dec 03 - 04:47 PM
GUEST,John from Hull's Brain 14 Dec 03 - 07:13 PM
khandu 14 Dec 03 - 11:03 PM
Ebbie 15 Dec 03 - 12:28 AM
Rapparee 15 Dec 03 - 08:33 AM
GUEST 15 Dec 03 - 09:22 AM
Dave Bryant 15 Dec 03 - 09:33 AM
Tweed 15 Dec 03 - 09:52 AM
Little Hawk 15 Dec 03 - 09:56 AM
Dave Bryant 15 Dec 03 - 10:18 AM
Little Hawk 15 Dec 03 - 10:27 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 15 Dec 03 - 10:40 AM
Dave Bryant 15 Dec 03 - 10:54 AM
GUEST,Winston Wellington-Jones 15 Dec 03 - 11:48 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 15 Dec 03 - 12:33 PM
GUEST,Captain West 15 Dec 03 - 01:00 PM
GUEST,Winston Wellington-Jones 15 Dec 03 - 05:39 PM
GUEST,Captain West 15 Dec 03 - 11:01 PM
khandu 15 Dec 03 - 11:23 PM
GUEST,Winston Wellington-Jones 16 Dec 03 - 12:09 AM
GUEST,Ms Penelope Rutledge 16 Dec 03 - 12:44 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 16 Dec 03 - 12:47 AM
GUEST 16 Dec 03 - 12:56 AM
Little Hawk 16 Dec 03 - 01:27 AM
Dave Bryant 16 Dec 03 - 06:54 AM
Tweed 16 Dec 03 - 08:24 AM
GUEST,Captain Nigel West 16 Dec 03 - 09:56 AM
Rapparee 16 Dec 03 - 02:35 PM
Amos 16 Dec 03 - 02:54 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 16 Dec 03 - 04:05 PM
Rapparee 16 Dec 03 - 04:52 PM
Tweed 16 Dec 03 - 05:27 PM
Rapparee 16 Dec 03 - 05:57 PM
GUEST,Winston Wellington-Jones 16 Dec 03 - 07:27 PM
GUEST,Ms Penelope Rutledge 16 Dec 03 - 07:38 PM
Amos 16 Dec 03 - 07:51 PM
GUEST,Captain West 16 Dec 03 - 08:56 PM
GUEST,Captain West 16 Dec 03 - 09:16 PM
khandu 16 Dec 03 - 09:16 PM
khandu 16 Dec 03 - 09:19 PM
Amos 16 Dec 03 - 09:30 PM
GUEST,Sherlock Holmes 16 Dec 03 - 09:34 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 16 Dec 03 - 10:20 PM
Little Hawk 16 Dec 03 - 10:29 PM
GUEST,Winston Wellington-Jones 16 Dec 03 - 10:44 PM
Linda Kelly 17 Dec 03 - 04:33 AM
Dave Bryant 17 Dec 03 - 05:37 AM
Amos 17 Dec 03 - 08:12 AM
artbrooks 17 Dec 03 - 08:29 AM
Rapparee 17 Dec 03 - 08:37 AM
GUEST,Malcolm Buggeroll 17 Dec 03 - 09:07 AM
GUEST,Captain West 17 Dec 03 - 09:09 AM
Dave the Gnome 17 Dec 03 - 09:24 AM
GUEST,Miss "Q" of Twillingsgate 17 Dec 03 - 09:31 AM
GUEST,Dirty Old Git 17 Dec 03 - 10:05 AM
Amos 17 Dec 03 - 10:09 AM
Amos 17 Dec 03 - 10:13 AM
Dave Bryant 17 Dec 03 - 12:11 PM
Rapparee 17 Dec 03 - 01:06 PM
GUEST,Enrique Gomez 17 Dec 03 - 01:35 PM
GUEST,Ms Penelope Rutledge 17 Dec 03 - 01:43 PM
GUEST,The Twillingsgate Herald, Special Edition 18 Dec 03 - 12:46 PM
Amos 18 Dec 03 - 01:11 PM
GUEST,Winston Wellington-Jones 18 Dec 03 - 05:03 PM
GUEST,Captain West 18 Dec 03 - 05:03 PM
GUEST,Winston Wellington-Jones 18 Dec 03 - 05:16 PM
GUEST,The Vogon High Command 18 Dec 03 - 05:50 PM
GUEST,Captain West 18 Dec 03 - 06:02 PM
GUEST,Albert McSwiggins, ex-Gardener 18 Dec 03 - 06:12 PM
GUEST,Winston Wellington-Jones 18 Dec 03 - 06:25 PM
GUEST,The Vogon High Command 19 Dec 03 - 06:57 AM
GUEST,Captain West 19 Dec 03 - 08:54 AM
Amos 19 Dec 03 - 09:04 AM
GUEST,Winston Wellington-Jones 19 Dec 03 - 10:59 AM

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Subject: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Miss "Q" of Twillingsgate
Date: 11 Dec 03 - 09:42 PM

This from the Twillingsgate Herald, December 11, 2003:

It is no secret that Ms Penelope Rutledge has been seen much lately in the company of Captain Nigel West of the Coldstream Guards. Indeed the two of them dined only this Sunday last at the fashionable Vicar's Inn, the hub of the Twillingsgate social scene, where observers noted that our Ms Rutledge was in a very merry mood indeed, not surprisingly, as she was escorted by the dashing Captain West who took her out on the dancefloor as they whiled away the hours to the strains of Vivaldi, performed by the Vicar's Inn Ensemble.

I for one, dear readers, noted a heightening of colour in Ms Rutledge's cheeks, denoting, dare I say it, the rising of the ardent flames of romance!

And why not? Captain West is a rakishly handsome devil of a man, tall and dark, with features that bring to mind the heroes of yore popularized in the great Victorian novels of such as H. Ryder Haggard and Conan Doyle. (Sir John Roxton comes to mind...)

Well, my pretties, that is not all! I have it on good authority (from a source I cannot reveal) that Ms Penelope will shorty announce her engagement to be married!

This promises to be the biggest event in Twillingsgate since the notorious Malcolm Buggeroll incident or if not that, the end of World War II, and I can assure you that the Twillingsgate Herald will be there every step of the way to provide you with each new tantalizing revelation as it unfolds.

Ms Rutledge adroitly avoided answering any of my questions by saying, "Really, Miss Tattle, don't you have an assassination to attend somewhere? Or perhaps a graverobbing that needs doing?" She has such a dry sense of humour does our Penelope...

I noted that Winston Wellington-Jones was in his typically dark and sardonic mood, sitting at his favourite table, glowering, and downing an endless round of dacquiris. I was unable to elicit any useful comments from him other than,

"Oh. Still alive, are you, Pruella? Damn shame."

and..."Look at that bloody toff!" (this last remark referring to Captain West, I assume).

When I asked him to expand on that, and share his real thoughts with the readers, he said something I cannot repeat in a family newspaper and then refused to further acknowledge my existence. I expect he shall come to his senses and apologize within a day or so...or else the moon shall turn blue and I'll catch it in my hat and keep it in a thimble on the mantle. The one is about as likely as the other.

I suggest that anyone who has the time look up the available information on the Coldstream Guards, the oldest regular regiment in the British Army, at http://www.army.mod.uk/coldstreamguards/

Ms Rutledge appears to have finally found herself a suitable match, and to be headed toward marital bliss within less than six months, I predict. Yes, you heard it here! A spring/summer wedding for Twillingsgate that will galvanize the community is only short months away.

Stay tuned!

- Miss Pruella Tattle, Twillingsgate Herald "All the news that's fit to print, and a bit more besides."


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: khandu
Date: 11 Dec 03 - 09:45 PM

& she was just given great honor by the King of Mississippi!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Miss "Q" of Twillingsgate
Date: 11 Dec 03 - 09:51 PM

Really? I wasn't aware that Mississippi had such an enlightened form of social development. When did it happen? Are you perhaps referring to the late Elvis Presley?


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Amos
Date: 11 Dec 03 - 09:53 PM

I suppose the fact that Khandu magically posts only 3 minutes after this momentous news hits the threads is purely a coincidence....Ah well. I am moved to wonder whether the illustrious Captain West -- that bloody toff!--is any warmer in the sack than he is in the barracks? And if so, will our esteemed Penelope detect the distinction?


A


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: khandu
Date: 11 Dec 03 - 10:01 PM

"I suppose the fact that Khandu magically posts only 3 minutes after this momentous news hits the threads is purely a coincidence.."

Hmmmmmm ...is there a subtle implication here?


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: khandu
Date: 11 Dec 03 - 10:10 PM

Q...did you say the "late" Elvis Presley???????


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 11 Dec 03 - 10:12 PM

These sudden marriage plans surely have nothing to do with...

No. Far be it from me to spread idle rumours about the fair Ms Rutledge's health.

Have you noticed that there is no period in "Ms Rutledge"?


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Ms Penelope Rutledge
Date: 11 Dec 03 - 10:14 PM

I heard about this from a friend, but I didn't believe it. Now I believe it.

Let me be perfectly frank when I say that you can all take a flying leap into Hades! There are days when I wish I had never heard of the Internet and this is definitely one of them.

I am going to tell you something about Pruella Tattle. She is the ugliest, most unmarriageable bit of dessicated, sallow, corporeal demon-effluent that ever wielded a pen in her clawlike hand. Why is she still a "miss" at 45? I'll tell you why. There are a great many stupid men in this town, but only a few who are irretrievably insane, and even they wouldn't have her! There is no clammy stone or wornout attress she will not look under, no limit to her mundane curiosity regarding other people's business. She is the living proof that those with the blackest hearts live the longest and talk the loudest, and get paid for doing it!

As for you, Amos, I can detect distinctions you haven't even dreamed of yet! You had best watch it, sir.

Miss "Q"? I am going to find you, and you will not like it when I do.

* PR


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Ms Penelope Rutledge
Date: 11 Dec 03 - 10:28 PM

I meant to say above... "mattress" not "attress"...

Bee-dubya-ell, I decided to drop the period from "Ms" some time ago. I also decided to shorten my signing at the end of each post to just "* PR".

I hope these changes meet with your approval, because there isn't jolly well much you can do about it if they don't!

I am signing off now. Goodbye.

* PR


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: artbrooks
Date: 11 Dec 03 - 10:57 PM

Bee-dubya-ell, I note that Ms Rutledge has admitted that she has missed her period, and it has apparently been some time now since she has had one. Perhaps the estimate of a wedding within six months is an outside guess, and the happy couple has already anticipated (or is that consumated?) their marital bliss.


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Elvis Presley
Date: 11 Dec 03 - 11:06 PM

I have not had the pleasure of meeting Miss Rutledge, but I would be happy to do so when I get the chance. She seems to be a real fine lady, and I know what them gossip columnists can be like.

Mississippi? Well, I haven't been there in a while.

Thank you very much.

Elvis


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: khandu
Date: 11 Dec 03 - 11:20 PM

El!!! Good to hear from you again! After our conversation of last week, I am pleased to see that you have sobered up!

Also, I want to assure you that the Royal position of Pelvic Extroiadinaire is still open!

Your Hunka hunka,
Kk


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Little Hawk
Date: 11 Dec 03 - 11:58 PM

Mudcat: The place where people from all walks of life meet, who wouldn't even talk to each other under normal circumstances. :-)

Gotta love it.

Elvis, come to Orillia if you possibly can, and visit my friend, Johnny Death. He has a mint condition vinyl album of every single record you ever made, and he would give his eye teeth to meet you. No fooling. He's even got a china Elvis bust that looks you in the eye when you walk into the basement (where all those records are, along with thousands and thousands of others). You would feel right at home. Do it now.

- LH


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Dirty Old Git
Date: 12 Dec 03 - 04:59 AM

Pennie Luv, if you really are up the duff then I reckons I know someone wot can get yer sorted out for about a monkey. One of my friends in the retirement 'ome (more like a bleedin' slammer these days) is a lady called Elizabeth what has 'ad some medical experience - she worked in Boots until they caught 'er nickin' fings.
Any'ow she's got a magic touch wiv' one of them old-fashioned button 'ooks, athough she often uses a bit o' wire coat 'anger these days. Mindyer she got in a row wiv Matron last time caus she pinched the coat hanger out of the arial socket on 'er old jam-jar. Loose Liz is quite an expert on being up the duff an' all - it was a sorta occupational 'azzard in er ol' job.


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST
Date: 12 Dec 03 - 05:04 AM

Would someone please delete this mastubatory rubbish.


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST
Date: 12 Dec 03 - 05:30 AM

Oo's this stuck-up geezer - I woz jus offerin' to 'elp a lady wot seems to be in trouble. If I fancied a bit o' the old five fingered widow, I'd find sumfink a bit more sexy to do it over than this lot. Mindjer you're the one one who sounds like a bit of a Merchant Banker.


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,freds
Date: 12 Dec 03 - 11:39 AM

Good day!

We have noted the announcement of this happy and joyous occassion and wish to state that we will, most certainly, attend. We wish to accord Mrs. Rutledge-West every possible opportunity for genetically satisfactory reproduction. With this in mind, we will be at the "wedding" and will honor the two with the gift of an unhatched herithim so that their future together will be fruitful and filled with both sexual and asexual ectasy.


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Skipjack K8
Date: 12 Dec 03 - 11:44 AM

Will someone please listen to the man, and delete his mastubatory (sic) rubbish. Honestly!


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Little Hawk
Date: 12 Dec 03 - 04:45 PM

LOL! GUEST, if you find yourself driven towards the horrors of self-abuse by the very tame material in this thread, I think you really ought to check out...

japanesegirls.com

And other such sites...

The resultant shock would probably reduce you to a quivering heap of incoherence, and render you incapable of further net surfing for at least 6 months.

Be thankful, GUEST, for small favours, and stop skulking around the edges of this forum like some nameless counterpart of Chuchundra the Muskrat, so terrified that he can never venture out of the shadows into the pool of light at the center of the room (see the writings of Rudyard Kipling - "Rikki Tikki Tavi" - for explanation of the Chuchundra reference).

Friends, I think Ms Rutledge has really blown a gasket this time, and I can understand why. Let us hope it does not cause her to permanently abandon this forum, as she lends it a bit of much-needed class from time to time. Are you listening, Penelope? We need you here. There are so few good role models around these days...

- LH


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Amos
Date: 12 Dec 03 - 04:51 PM

Ms Rutledge is clearly pissed off, but I see no information to indicate she is knocked up, which is very different both operationally and prepositionally.

Dear Penelope, please excuse the roughage around the edges of our forum. It is very hard to get good help ay more, as I am sure you have experienced.

Kindest regards to yourself and Captain West, and we look forward to confirmation of the rumors regarding your imminent change of status over in Twillingsgate. Remember, should you become over-burdened with society's insistence on form over substance, you can always come to California where we do it the other way around.

Very best regards,

A


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: artbrooks
Date: 12 Dec 03 - 05:02 PM

Yes, Amos-you are entirely correct, and I apologize if I inadvertently lowered the tone of the Mudcat to a level which it has not previously plumbed. I can only attribute my misunderstanding of the tone and tenor of her response to those rude and inappropriate remarks made by that latter-day Dorothy Parker to trans-Altantic language difficulties. I clearly mistook one word, used in all innocence by Ms Rutledge in all of her Imperial splendor, for the same word having an entirely different meaning here among the unlettered.


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 12 Dec 03 - 05:25 PM

HAWWWWW!!!!! Art, baby, if you think your statement "lowered the tone of the Mudcat to a level which it has not previously plumbed" you have been far too selective in your choice of which threads to read! After all, it was you who was given the title of "King's Personal Royal Bidet" over on the MOAB and that is plumbing far lower than inferring that an Emily Dickinson wannabe who has, in fact, no corporeal existence but is merely the perverse creation of a middle-aged male mind, could, possibly, be in a delicate condition. You can say anything you want about Penelope and there is bugger-all she can do about it because she, like Kilgore Trout, only exists in the mind of her creator.

Bruce


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Amos
Date: 12 Dec 03 - 06:10 PM

And that would be.....?


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 12 Dec 03 - 06:17 PM

I dunno. Could be Kurt Vonnegut for all I know.


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: khandu
Date: 12 Dec 03 - 09:13 PM

Maybe PR is the creation of Harry Lee Wigley, Sheeney or Shiney Knause, Thespian, freds or any one (or two or three!) of the grand characters of MOAB!

Or, perhaps, PR was begotten by the wonderful mind of. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .










Our Dear Jessup!








NAW!! She is Tweed!


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 12 Dec 03 - 09:22 PM

Nah! Tweed ain't smart enuff to say summa th' things Penelope sez. An' he don' know Emily Dickinson from Emily Post. As a idiot myself, I recognizes idiocy in uther peeple an' Tweed is at least as big a idiot as me.


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Amos
Date: 12 Dec 03 - 09:51 PM

MEthinks the BWL doth protest o'ermuch!

A


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: khandu
Date: 12 Dec 03 - 10:00 PM

Hmmmmm. Goot Point there Amos!


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 12 Dec 03 - 11:22 PM

Dear Amos and khandu,

If your Shakespearian asides are meant to infer that I may be the portrayer of Ms Rutledge, let us dispose of that delusion here and now. At the time of Ms Rutledge's initial appearance, I was a Mudcat newbie of only seven weeks. I'm pretty cheeky, but no newcomer could have invented Penelope. BS of that level takes a while to perfect. I would be capable of such a deed now, but I certainly wasn't then.


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Tweed
Date: 13 Dec 03 - 09:14 AM

Dere Mz.Rutlegge,
I am pleezed to see thet you habv foun a man who would habv you at last. Its too bad thet you are missing yore monthly cycle and need to get yoreself nuptuated and I reckon yore daddy an hiz shotgun will be big playrs in the wedding party. I wish yore skankass all the happiness you ken find or gleen from the pore man whoom you habv trapped in this way and hope he recovers from whateber you poisoned hiz mind wif to get you in yore present delicas condiment.

Pees be on you durin' this festive seeson and I cinceerly hope thet you see fit to invite me to yore big wedding swarray az I hab much to confibulate and will do all in my powerz to make it memberable.
Yerz,
Tweed
MOAB.org


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Ms Penelope Rutledge
Date: 13 Dec 03 - 09:38 AM

Tweed, I am really quite sorry to hear that you are still at large. I had hoped that some beneficent divine intervention would have occurred by now to take you off our streets, such as your being run over by a large road-grading machine or perhaps devoured by an escaped pack of Rottweilers.

I gather that you are still annoying decent people everywhere and giving drunks in alleyways someone to feel smugly superior to? Pity!

May I return your good wishes with a few of my own, and suggest that you consider taking up a more worthy lifestyle as soon as possible. There are schools out there, Tweed, who will take practically anyone and teach them the rudiments of a decent trade. You could become a plumber, and learn how to stop up holes....then take a large plug and a strong monkey wrench...and shut your mouth!

If you have the temerity to show up at any future wedding of mine I shall have you thrown out bodily.

And there is nothing wrong with my cycles!

*PR


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Amos
Date: 13 Dec 03 - 09:45 AM

Prhaps Tweed is actually an invention of Penelope's?

A


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,A casual observer...
Date: 13 Dec 03 - 10:01 AM

She 'as set up a punchin' bag, she 'as, and is workin' out on it like a pit bull. I sawr it wif me own eyes, 'angin in the sun room it was! I fink she's plannin' some violence 'ere. I fink the 'elp around 'ere will be treadin' lightly is what I finks about it. She's got a look in 'er eyes that bodes ill for them as what ain't got their wits about 'em...

Cap'n West, e's been called back to London on "urgent business", so the lady must fight 'er battles on 'er own, and I believe she's quite capable of it. I wouldn't bleedin' test 'er. I values me peace of mind and bodily 'ealth besides.

Sorry. Must remain nameless.


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Tweed
Date: 13 Dec 03 - 11:37 AM

Dere Penny,
You hab proved yet again that hell hav no fury like a woman scorned. There iz nothing on this planet to git enny romantical overtures from me to you. I hate to say it, but I am sorry for you and yore apoplectic hubby to be. It iz a shame to see you parade around heir wif the maks ob smugnes and convolution on yore beaklike and toofless face all the while pining away fore the one who hab rejected all yore overchores.
Someday you will larn to forget me and cast yore scrawny body into a herd of swine and fall off a cliff or other high place sumwhars.

Yerz,
Tweed


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Amos
Date: 13 Dec 03 - 12:07 PM

ROTFLMAO!!! I think I have it -- Tweed has created Penelope in order to get even with his grade-school crushes!!!

A


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Tweed
Date: 13 Dec 03 - 01:07 PM

No Amos, I am in noways able to mispell az meny words as that gal and have a hard time reading her squawking posts on heir as she goes off into some other diaphragm that I am unfamilial with. Posonby it is some sort ob babylonian speech impedical.


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Norbert (the butler)
Date: 13 Dec 03 - 01:20 PM

Albert the gardener has been fired. He always did lack discretion, but his pruning skills will be missed. We are now seeking a gardener and general handyman to replace him at Rutledge Mansion. Residents of Twillingsgate and surrounding area, please send full resume and await our call.


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Percy Gardner
Date: 13 Dec 03 - 01:45 PM

Dere Norbuck,
I wood lik to aply fer that job az handyman fore mz Rutabags' garden spot and work fore her real gude. Do you habv axxess to chainsaws and pitchforks ect.? Az I will require these items for pruning and so fourth. I would brang my own chainsaw but it iz wired for 110volt American and would run only at hafe-speed over thar.

Yerz,
Percy G.


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Oaklet
Date: 13 Dec 03 - 02:29 PM

When it comes to the bit where the priest asks "is there anyone present who knows of any lawful impediment.." etc. I'll bloody well pipe-up so help me:

1) He is a pouf
2) He nicks Penelope's stuff and offers it for sale in the Vicar Inn
3) He has a tattoo on the small of his back
4) So does she
5) I slept with him and he a selfish shit-for-brains
6) He can't tell the time

Sorry about this, but a bloke can only take so much.


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Amos
Date: 13 Dec 03 - 02:33 PM

Stand by, then, Oaklet -- and let me know when the date is. I would love to see this one play out...


A


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 13 Dec 03 - 11:16 PM

Wait a minute! Hold the phone! Stop the presses!

Penelope is a REAL PERSON!!!!

I copied the following from this site:

Penelope Rutledge was born on 7 Nov 1806. She married James S Rowland on 27 May 1830.

They had the following children:
                M        i        Rolly Thompson Rowland was born on 2 Mar 1831.         
                M        ii        Horatio MacOn Rowland was born on 7 Nov 1832.         
                F        iii        Nancy Elizabeth Rowland was born on 28 Dec 1835.         
                F        iv        Martha Ann Rowland was born on 24 Jul 1837.         
                M        v        James Louis Rowland was born on 8 Feb 1839.         
                F        vi        Mary Caroline Rowland was born on 1 Oct 1840.         
                M        vii        William Buchanen Rowland was born on 20 Jul 1843.         
                M        viii        Charles Jackson Rowland was born on 20 Feb 1844.         
                F        ix        Sarah June Rowland was born on 25 Dec 1848.         
                F        x        Penelope Smith Rowland was born on 20 Aug 1849 in Al. She died on 12 Apr 1926 in Jim Wells, Tx. She was buried on 12 Apr 1926 in Old Alice Cemetery, Alice, Tx.

Yes! She's real! She's also 197 years old! Imagine that! Had eleven children by her first husband and now she's 197 years old and still able to get knocked up! Amazing!


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Amos
Date: 13 Dec 03 - 11:20 PM

Oh, Bwuce, that whoop-ass affected your brain. This PR is not the same as that old hoary ancestor, obviously. I would dearly like to know what that Penelope Smith Rowland went through in her 77 years, though!!

A


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Ebbie
Date: 14 Dec 03 - 03:56 AM

All I can say is that in the old days they buried them right smart. Died April 12, buried April 12...


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 14 Dec 03 - 04:30 AM

apenelopoe, routlredge-you talk to posh, and preople dont know waht you on about,,
ps is about 7am in the morning, and i drinked about 10 cans of stella
so if i spelled antyhing wrong then just get lost.
ps did i get invite to you werdding then, and free food and bears then or waht?

anyway=a few years ago, i worked at hotel in hull, and we get some shitty council estate people in for weeddoings
and they get pissecand think they bloody great,
BUT, we give them shitty cheap shampane, and shitty cheep whine, and they dont even knoew!

2this whine is really nice, we are really posh, eyc etc etc2
and we chardged them about 2 thousand quid, for wedding resepshun,
when only cost 1 hundred quid, but serves them right, because they show off., and fight, and complane 2 this whine no good2, we say, ok have some more shitty whine then, 2 yes thank you, this one very nivcce. very posh!

and fighting, council estate people likes fighting at wedding, very funny, kitchen people ie chefs etc, used , yoused? to watch fights, one time = all people fightinfg, [even old people, grannys etc, and swearing= dont give my dorter fucking bad look arsole!, and smack with hand bag , and slap in face!, and one married bloke get big punch in the face from best man! " waht you bloody look at my wife for then?", then they try to come into kitchen=good tip=

never let wedding people go into kitchen, they always make trouble!

ps, some drunk ones try to give you a big story =2 my wife is shag my brother etc etc etc. just tell them get lost then say "g GET OUT OF MY KICHEN!
sometimes they be sick as well, just donyt let them in kitchen=,
if they sicxk in reception, then is reception woman job to cleen it not chef job....
then if gets to late, and all start scrapping, then is bouncers job to sort it, bouncers say "get out gippos bastards, [even if they not gippos, [ bouncers alays say thsat], and if not enough bouncers, they
shout for kitchen people, they shout, 2trouble, or MAN ON THE FLOOR, that means run quick!

then chefs get chance to give some one a good kicking, [but not happen very often]
and if they been making big trouble, you can throgh them in the cellar, beat them up, and shout tjings, like 2gippos bastard2 etc
, but never call police, always sort it youselft, you know wh#y?
if you call police they can stop yiu drink licence!

this waht happen at wedding.john


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 14 Dec 03 - 05:07 AM

aNyay, i heard about a law=

ifv you in hotel, and some gippo people try to come in your kitchen, then you entitled to chop there hands off, and chop them up
because, is chef in charge, and kichen is just for chefs , not for any boidy who want to go in kitchen, i thiink there is a proper law about this, but i;m not sure.

any way= 1 time, i worked with [i waws a chef], i worked with some mad bloke called karl, and he was tunisian, [i think], and his brain was fucked up threw to much many bears, and he neerly killed one waiter bloke waht came in the kitchen one day, [he strangulled him , then the boss told him to stop it!, he was the head chef, and no people allowed in his kitchen, [some people was scared of him, , he was a bit mental, [ loads of chefs are mental, but most of them are ok, wehn you get to knoew them], but he was , i admit he was really crazy, he used to throgh things at waiters, like knifes etc,
i think they put him in a secure unit in the end, not sure really,
anyway wahts this thread about?
plenty crazy chefs about!, anyway, i knew one chef, he haf to drink 2 botles of wine before he even think about doing any work, he likes to drinking, he worked with karl, but i think they sacked him.


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 14 Dec 03 - 05:18 AM

anyway= i remenber one time!
is customers birthday, manager say " 2 hello, , have a look in our itchen, 2,
customer say "ok thanks, i will,"
he goes in kitchen!,
yoiu gessed it!
Karl was there say to good customer with birthday-
", you fu**cking arshole, waht yoiu doing in my kitchen, ?, get out, get out!"
manager went white instantlty!, not sure waht customer said!

crazy times!


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 14 Dec 03 - 05:27 AM

hello, i mention karl, i donty know him last name, but they locked him up now, last i heard= they put him in one of them speshial hopsitals for mad people, he is good chef thouth, maybe they let him out now?, not sure really


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Albert the Gardener
Date: 14 Dec 03 - 04:47 PM

I fink it's a bleedin' disgrace that someone like JOhn from 'ull, 'oo sounds like an incompetent drunken sot to me, should be allowed to make not just one but FOUR offensive and ramblin' posts to this 'ere forum when 'e doesn't 'ave a bleedin' thing to say wot anyone wants to 'ear anyway!

I've lost me job and must go on the dole, and all over ONE lit'le post that was not disrespecful in the leest to my employer, but was simply an 'onest bit of information that I thought the public ought to know about.

It's JOhn from 'ull that should lose 'is job, not me! But I bet the stupid git doesn't even 'ave a job to lose.

And now neither do I. It's not right.

I intend to reveal further revelations if I must, unless I am compensated for loss of income and mental distress. And if JOhn from 'ull will meet me in front of the "Pig and Poke" on next Friday night I will box the silly bugger's ears and knock some sense into 'im so's 'e doesn't continue to offend people 'ere wif 'is tasteless rubbish and vulgarity!

Albert McSwiggins, Twillingsgate


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,John from Hull's Brain
Date: 14 Dec 03 - 07:13 PM

Do as you like, mate. Him and me parted company years ago, we did.


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: khandu
Date: 14 Dec 03 - 11:03 PM

I have been asked by a private citizen to cast a demon out of Penelope. After much discussion, money changed hands (a "check", actually) & I agreed to do the exorcism.

I need a few things from those of you who want to help. I need a live pig, a set of fresh monkey balls, a rubber Nixon mask, & a complete set of women's undergarments.

Any money you would like to donate will be cheerfully accepted!

Kk


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Ebbie
Date: 15 Dec 03 - 12:28 AM

khandu, may we watch?


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Dec 03 - 08:33 AM

Wow. Nixon's balls, fresh monkey underwear, a rubber woman, and a live pig mask. This is either gonna be some exorcism or it's gonna get the Mudcat banned from the Internet.


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST
Date: 15 Dec 03 - 09:22 AM

Someone please delete this shit.


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 15 Dec 03 - 09:33 AM

Someone please shit on the guest above.

Pruella - since PR has been scathingly rude about you - why not really dish the dirt about her ? What is her real age ? Is it true that her real interest in Captain West is his magnificently proportioned stallion ? etc


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Tweed
Date: 15 Dec 03 - 09:52 AM

HAW!! Good one Dave! Spewed myself...


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Little Hawk
Date: 15 Dec 03 - 09:56 AM

What sort of monkey, Khandu? Damn. It's a pity Spaw isn't wasting his time on this forum anymore.

- LH


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 15 Dec 03 - 10:18 AM

Of course we haven't considered the possibility that the guest who wants this thread deleted is one of PR's ex-amours and that perhaps he finds it painful hearing the object of his affections being discussed thus. I suppose that the fact that PR has now become a subject of Pruella Tattle's tabloid journalism could be abhorent to him.


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Little Hawk
Date: 15 Dec 03 - 10:27 AM

Good point, Dave! That is a distinct possibility.

- LH


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 15 Dec 03 - 10:40 AM

No doubt about it. GUEST is Winston Wellington-Jones. It's just like him to hide behind an anonymous GUEST face instead of coming right out in the open.

You do know that this impending marriage is doomed, don't you? Winston and Penelope will reconcile because each provides a fundamental need to the other. Winston needs someone to bully and Penelope, despite her "liberated" facade, has a deep need to be bullied, abused, and beaten about the buttocks with a riding crop.    They deserve one another if for no other reason than to make each other's lives pure hell. I, for one, relish the thought.


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 15 Dec 03 - 10:54 AM

Will it make any difference if PR is with child (or foal) ? After all, I get the feeling that PR is not in her first flush of youth, and ladies of certain years often become aware that their biological clock is ticking away.


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Winston Wellington-Jones
Date: 15 Dec 03 - 11:48 AM

I would relish the chance to pummel all of you bloody sods into insensibility, but it's not worth the air fare. Bee-dubya-ell, you are a simpleton of the sort all too common in the rural USA, and your every word makes that abundantly clear. I have nothing but contempt for you lot. You are worse than that bucolic cretin, Oakley, who recently changed his name to Oaklet to throw me off the track.

I can tell you exactly how old Penelope is. She is 25. The silly thing has got herself all in a lather about this preening Captain Nigel West, who is a pretentious bloke, totally stuck on himself. With any luck, he'll get cashiered for gunrunning or caught out in some drunken escapade with the London bargirls, and Penelope will come to her senses.

Whether Penelope and I will ever "reconcile" is a matter I do not intend to speculate about here. Suffice it to say that we are on speaking terms...more or less. I have known Penelope all my life, and she has a mind of her own, which can make her hard to deal with when her back is up. That, of course, is a sign of character, but it can also be a bloody nuisance.

I predict that Captain West's carriage will overturn within 3 months or less, and then things will get back to normal around here.

As for Pruella Tattle, the woman is the lowest piece of gutter-minded trash that ever crawled forth upon this planet, and...she looks like she must have been weaned on a pickle! I believe she is around 53, although she claims otherwise, and has never married (big surprise!).

The rumours about the punching bag are true, and Albert has got the sack. The bloody fool is now attempting to blackmail the Rutledges, it seems. Penelope is up to something, but I'm not sure just what it is. I can hardly believe she means to wallop Pruella, but I bloody well hope she does...though it might kill the old bat stone dead. No great riddance if it did, but the legal repercussions don't bear thinking about.

- Winston Wellington-Jones


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 15 Dec 03 - 12:33 PM

My Dear Mr. Wellington-Jones,

If the money for airfare is the only thing that is preventing you from paying us a visit, please advise exactly what the cost will be (in American dollars, not British Pounds Sterling or whatever it is you Limeys call that confusing duodecimal excuse for real money you insist upon using) and we will endeavor to raise the necessary funds forthwith. Upon confirmation of your impending arrival we will procure a large economy-size can of Whoop-ass which will be held in reserve, with your name on it, to be opened immediately upon your arrival.

Please advise if you wish to take advantage of this opportunity to meet a few of the fine denizens of rural USA, aka Bubbaland.

Sincerely,

Bubba-dubya-ell


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Captain West
Date: 15 Dec 03 - 01:00 PM

Wellington-Jones!

I forbear from calling you "Mister," as without any doubt you are such a cad and bounder that such an honorific as that is precluded.

Sir, your words insult me, an insult which can only be washed out with blood. My friends will call upon you; the choice of weapons is yours,if you are indeed man enough to use them.


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Winston Wellington-Jones
Date: 15 Dec 03 - 05:39 PM

If it were not for the nanny-like interference of certain blathering bureaucrats in high places, I should suggest dueling pistols, West. Alas, it is illegal now to duel to the death in the U.K. This is certainly to your great good fortune, sir!

Therefore, what I do suggest is boxing gloves and a 12-round match, Marquis of Queensbury rules, sometime in early January after the festive season is over. I will be happy to provide the boxing ring, the equipment, and a trained referee, and may the best man win.

If I were you, I should start training at once, and lay off the figgy duff. It's bad for the wind.

You may have your seconds contact mine any night after 7:00 at the Vicar's Inn in Twilligsgate. Ask for Eddie.

Prepare for a rude awakening, old chap...or perhaps I should say, a short nap on the canvas.

- Winston Wellington-Jones


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Captain West
Date: 15 Dec 03 - 11:01 PM

And so, sir, you would allow bureaucrats to dictate your honour?

Were the choice mine, and I will remind you that by some Codes Duello it is, I would scorn the use of firearms and engage you with the small sword, the weapon of gentlemen. Of course, since it is the weapon of the gentleman I am certain that is why you scorn it.

And there are certain venues, even in Britain, where such a contest might be waged.

I will, if you wish, undertake to thrash you within an inch of your life. But I must, in all fairness, warn you that I have trained with both Captain Fairbairn and Captain Sykes and thus I cannot be responsible for what may happen to you if we engage mano a mano.


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: khandu
Date: 15 Dec 03 - 11:23 PM

Entrapment!!! That's what it was! Entrapment!!
I was set up by the morality police & fell into the trap!
It was all a ruse! The "private citizen" who wanted an exorcism on Penelope was an undercover cop! They have been after me since I became King!

I have been set up & someone from Mudcat aided & abeted in the set up!!

Now is the time for all good MOABites to come to the aid of the King!!

Kk

PS I would still enjoy receiving the Nixon mask & the undergarments!!


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Winston Wellington-Jones
Date: 16 Dec 03 - 12:09 AM

Khandu, I sincerely hope that you are locked up for a good long while by the morality police in Mississippi or whatever wretched backwater it is that you live in. You are an embarrassment. You give new meaning to the old phrase "the Idiot King".

Captain West - I think you are probably right...there are such venues here and there in Great Britain if one works at it. However, I do not wish to kill you outright (though it's certainly a tempting thought). No, I wish to simply humiliate you publicly before your peers and mine, and watch you crawl away alive but forever humbled, like a deflated windbag which is what you really are.

Clear?

WW-J


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Ms Penelope Rutledge
Date: 16 Dec 03 - 12:44 AM

Winston, have you utterly lost your mind? He will annihilate you!!! I suggest you come to your senses and go for a LONG trip to India or some other former colony and forget about this ill-advised attempt to defend your raging ego.

Think about India, Winston. All the polo you can play, all the whisky you can drink, and millions of common, non-English, foreign and impecunious people for you to gaze upon in lofty disdain. Crowded streets through which you can recklessly drive at breakneck speed.   Legions of naive foreign women whom you can chat up and seduce. Former sites of glorious British victories that you can visit and trample upon. Sacred objects that you can carve your initials in when no one is looking. Priceless museum items that you can pinch and send home to friends in England.

Think about it seriously. I do not wish to see you carried home in a battered heap and I think it ridiculous that you insist upon insulting every man I show the slightest interest in. You overestimate both your jurisdiction and your reach.

Take my advice and leave now. I know you have friends abroad, and if you don't, well then, I do. Monaco is nice too, and I know you would enjoy the gambling. You could probably meet the Prince and Princess too. For heaven's sake, get a grip, buy a ticket and be done with this nonsense!

* PR


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 16 Dec 03 - 12:47 AM

Screw all thet Twillingsgate stuff! Ar King is in a world ov shit!

Aw-ight, King khandu. Me 'n th' resta th' boys down 'ere in Bubbaland kin come t' yore reskew. Jus' tell us whut t' dew. Dew ya need us t' bus' yew outta jail er sumfin'? We got sum four-wheel-drive trucks down 'ere thet kin snatch Abe Lincoln's face offa Mount Rushmore. Shorely they kin pull down a jailhouse door 'er mebbe a wall er two. An' if ya need a place t' hide out ferm them mo-rality poh-leece we gotta ole huntin' camp over in Callaway Swamp ain't nobody knows 'bout. The sumbitches won' never find yore ass.

Sinseerly,

Yore Poet Lariat an' Knower of Thangs an' Fupped Duck Idjit,

Bubba-dubya-ell


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST
Date: 16 Dec 03 - 12:56 AM

I have come to the conclusion that Penelope Rutledge is actually Little Hawk. I believe this to be truer than the day Penelope was born some 197 years ago. Furthermore I conclude that Little Hawk, being abandoned by the female spiecies, and he having little or no contact with women, decided to create the perfect woman for himself, therefore creating Penelope.

Little Hawk probably has a blow up doll in the corner of his bedroom right now named Penelope Rutledge.

If I an incorrect about this assumption in anyway, and I don't think I am , I will remove myself from my post as chief inspector and detective.

Yours very truely,
Sherlock Holmes


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Little Hawk
Date: 16 Dec 03 - 01:27 AM

My God...LOL! I love it. Here I am back from Monday night song circle and the usual check on Ebay (for model airplanes, Nixon masks, and women's underwear), and the MOAB appears to be relocating to Twillingsgate...sort of.

GUEST, it is actually I who have abandoned the females...although I have been sorely tempted lately, I can tell you! There was this gorgeous woman I was talking to in Barrie the other day....sheesh! I don't know how long I can hold out.

I had a blowup doll of Maggie Thatcher some years ago, hanging from the ceiling like a Zeppelin, but it exploded catastrophically one day, causing the budgie to die of heart failure. You just can't get quality workmanship anymore. I am attempting to secure one of Hillary Clinton, but with no success so far.

Khandu - I have scored a Nixon mask (slightly used) and a set of women's underwear in black lace. Pretty neat! Will these do? The monkey balls have proven impractical...Mr Chongo will not surrender his on any condition. As for the live pig, I think you can easily find one of those in your area.

And now...good night! I've stayed up way too late already.

- LH


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 16 Dec 03 - 06:54 AM

Winston, Penelope must be seriously in love if she's so keen to pack you off abroad. On the other hand, is she trying to keep you out of the way of Captain West because she is afraid that you might tell him things about her that she'd rather he didn't know ?

If PR is only 25 (which I rather doubt - she seems to have far too much knowledge of the world) - then don't you think that she is rather young for an old roue like you - especially one who is known to be greatly addicted to drinking and gambling.


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Tweed
Date: 16 Dec 03 - 08:24 AM

MY KNHING!!

Say the word and I will amass THE FORCE D'TUPELONIANS to dispatch yore captores with great malaise and discomfortness. We march to Flamabama at dawn to unite with the Fupped Duck Know obv Thangs an' hiz crew ob miscreants and in-bred half breeds. Stay in yore hole in the ground til the sound of gnashing ob teeth comes to an end.

Az fore Winston-Salem, I cerilly hop thet you stay on yore side ob the water and in thet manner avoid the humiliation of a public spanking.

F.M.(Force Majore)Tweed
MOAB.org


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Captain Nigel West
Date: 16 Dec 03 - 09:56 AM

Wellington-Jones!

I am posting you here in this forum, at the Vicar's Arms, and at Twillingsgate House, publicly, as a cowardly bully, a nancy-boy, and one unfit for decent society.

Yes, I am in possesion of Several Letters and a Photograph, written by you when you were at public school (St. Dismas? Come now!) and later at University. They show quite clearly your brutality towards your fags and your prefered mode of dress at University. (Really, old chap, a satin corset in that colour hardly does justice those sneering mustachios you affected! And those shoes! Tsk, tsk!)

Since it is quite clear that you are no gentleman and decidedly my social inferior (if not indeed a common criminal), I must withdraw my challenge and replace it with my pity. May I suggest that you take Miss Rutledge's advice, and better it by beginning life anew abroad? I understand that few questions are asked in, oh, the Northwest Territories.

Because I fear ambush, I have made arrangements with the police that I might go about armed. Please be advised that I am carrying both a revolver and a life preserver and am quite capable of using either one if necessary.

Yours,
Captain Nigel West


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Dec 03 - 02:35 PM

Khandu, the Idaho Contingent stands ready! Say the word and 200 crack horseman and crack shots (the same 200, too) will ride like the wind to your aid. Headers and heelers, dallymen and tie-ons, Budweiser drinkers and real men (and women), calf cutters and banjo pickers, we await your command!!


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Amos
Date: 16 Dec 03 - 02:54 PM

Yeeha -- let's here it for the Thumbless Dakotan Dally-lads of Idaho and their Tie-On Fellow-Travelers!! Git 'em up, an' git 'em movin'!!

A


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 16 Dec 03 - 04:05 PM

Thet's a big ol' ten-fore fer Tweed an' Rapaire an' ennybuddy else wants t' he'p git His Mos' Highest Masjestical's testicals away frum th' vishus Orc-like menyuns ov Rebrun' Falwell. I hav gathered up th' SWAT Team (Simple-minded White Alabama Trailer-trash) frum down here in Bubbaland an' we iz on ar way. We hav sent spies t' all th' Waffle Houses wiffin a 300 mile radius ov Tupelo so thar ain't no way them sumbitches kin sneek Ar Khing outta Mizzippi.

We awate futher 'struckshuns regardin' whar we mite wanna rondeevoo so az t' git th' mos' dramatick affeck frum th' sooprize attak wiffout mersee thet we will be launchin' upone them Moh-rality sumbitches.

'Splain one thang t' me tho', Tweed. 'Zackly whut dawg iz it you ar plannin' on enterin' into this fite frum down yonder in South Florida? Iz you gonna blind th' enemy wif th' refleckshun frum yore Ray-Bans? Or mebbe shock an' awe 'em wif th' yore perfeck suntan?

Bubba-dubya-ell


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Dec 03 - 04:52 PM

Sorry, slight setback. Crack shot "Mustache" Red seems to have shot crack shot "Rustles" Gooch right in the ol' crack. So we only have 199 ready to ride.

Doc says Rustles will be okay, he was just creased.


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Tweed
Date: 16 Dec 03 - 05:27 PM

Bee-Dub, Knower ob Something, I will be riding into battle Celtic Floridian style. Naked wif spray-on tan and mirror shades shined and gleaming. I figger to come out of the east at dawn with the ravening hordes decorated likewise. We all should hook up at Bradfordville the nite before though, az I heer thar iz an hellacious blues club located thar.


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Dec 03 - 05:57 PM

When do we ride? The boys are gettin' restless, the girls are gettin' frisky, and the bars are doing a roaring business.


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Winston Wellington-Jones
Date: 16 Dec 03 - 07:27 PM

Aha! Got to him, did you, Penelope? I thought you might. Well, now the coward is shown in his true colours, skulking about in fear of his life with a pistol...and a life preserver! Ha! Ha! Ha! No doubt expects me to sink his punt on the next canal outing! Ha! Ha!

Well, it's a damn shame. I was looking forward to a good dustup in January. However, this means I can forego training and continue indulging in the customary "pleasures of the flesh" without letup right through the holidays, so there's a bright side to it after all.

India? Well, why not? I've been thinking of buying a private jet.   Put aside this nonsense about Captain "Wassiname" and we can jet out there together for the holidays.

And try being just a little bit less sarcastic, Penny...I may be a libertine, but I am not completely without scruples.

Dave Bryant - I am not too old for Penelope. I am 27. When I was 7 and she was 5, we kissed under the gazebo at Rutledge Mansion. I, of all people, should know if I was too old for Ms Rutledge. You accuse me of being a roue and an addict to drink and gambling. Well, sir, I beg to differ. Though my dalliances with the fair sex are, at this point, a legend, I am far too young to fit the term "roue". I shall no doubt be a roue some time later...in my 50's, 60's and 70's. Count on it. As for gambling and alcohol, I admit to a liking for both. I make no apologies for that.

Now why don't you idiotic lot of yanks get off this thread and go back to eating hominy grits, skinning "possums" and menacing underage girls...

WW-J


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Ms Penelope Rutledge
Date: 16 Dec 03 - 07:38 PM

Since you must insist on opening your big mouth in public, Winston...

I think everyone should now that:

I was the one who initiated that kiss under the gazebo back in 1983.

And he was terrified! :>)

Now just stop it. Shut off your little typing machine, go to the club, and play darts or something. Really...

* PR


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Amos
Date: 16 Dec 03 - 07:51 PM

I avow, my high friends and low, and those who are both, that this fine thread is one of the most colorful and interesting things to cross my weary desk since the March on Selma. Well, maybe since the Blues Fiction thread, anyway...Bravo!! Keep it up!!

A


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Captain West
Date: 16 Dec 03 - 08:56 PM


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Captain West
Date: 16 Dec 03 - 09:16 PM

I have hesitated to do this, even to the extent of sending a blank message, but I feel honour must be served and the truth told.

Know all, that I, Nigel West, Captain in HM's Coldstream Guards, name Winston Wellington-Jones a COWARD and a CAD, and quite unfit to associate with decent people.

When such charges are made the reasons for them should be understood. Know that I have documentary and photographic evidence to prove the following:

*that while a student at St. Dismas School, Wellington-Jones did abuse those "fagging" for him in the most beastial and brutal manner, details of which will be supplied only to adult men of the world;

*that while a student at this school he was found on numerous occassions to have broken into the Porter's Cottage, looking for drink;

*that he was well known to the Masters and Fellows as a drunken lay-about who would rather thrash those in the First Form than socialize with those his own age;

*that while at University he was known as "Winston Wellies" from his favored footwear;

*that when asked to try for the Eleven he begged off, saying that his face was "far too pretty to be mashed up for something a silly as the honour of the School";

*that at numerous private parties in the University Commons he did appear wearing only a satin corset and high-heeled shoes, asking to be called "Winnie dear";

*that he has never been able to hold either his liquor or his tongue;

*that he has been often challenged, but on the sole occassion he accepted a challenge he fled upon discovering that his opponent was not, as he first thought, confined to a Bath chair.

Let him answer these charges as he will.

Nigel West, DSO
Captain, Her Majesty's Coldstream Guards


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: khandu
Date: 16 Dec 03 - 09:16 PM

HAW!!!!!! It is I! King khandu! In a triumphant rage!!!!
My two remaining Royal Forkers pretended to be 2000000 Royal Forkers and scared the besatan outta them morality police! Then I smote them severely about the head, neck & shoulders!!

STAND DOWN, thou good and faithful servants of MOAB! Great shall be thy reward!!!

To the Twilightzonegate bunch, including MS PR, get the hell off our thread, you tea sipping sissies! This ain't no social club! This is MOAB!!!!

Kk


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: khandu
Date: 16 Dec 03 - 09:19 PM

Uh, no this ain't MOAB, wrong thread, never you mind!\

Kk


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Amos
Date: 16 Dec 03 - 09:30 PM

ALAS, King Khandu has been found wandering far from home, wild of speech and disorientated in extremis. Alas!!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Sherlock Holmes
Date: 16 Dec 03 - 09:34 PM

Little Hawk,
Of coarse, of coarse I was mistaken when I said you were abandoned by the female species. Upon my investigation I did certainly know that it was you that abandoned the spieces.

I also knew about that blow-up Margaret Thatcher dolly of yours but I did not want to turn this into some kind of public humiliation, that my friend, you can do on your own.

Upon futher investigating, I also concluded that your alias is in fact Penelope Rutledge. Your writing styles are similar and your response to me also indicated that you are the guilty party, by not responding to all allegations.

Thank you for confirming my suspicions I am indeed quite satisfied now, so I suspend all surveillance practices.

Yours very truely,
Sherlock Holmes


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 16 Dec 03 - 10:20 PM

Dear Sherlock Holmes,

May I point out one vital piece of evidence that you seem to have overlooked in your rush to convict our friend Little Hawk of impersonating one or more Twillingsgate residents.

If you will compare the posting records of Little Hawk and Ms Rutledge you will find that on any date that Ms Rutledge made one or more posts to this forum, Little Hawk also made one or more posts. At first glance, this would seem to be incriminating circumstantial evidence. In reality, exactly the opposite is true. A devious mind like that of our Little Hawk would be absolutely certain to guard against the possibility of being caught in the act by seeding the forum with posts made in Ms Rutledge's name at times when it would have been patently impossible for him to do the posting himself. If Little Hawk can say, "It is absolutely impossible for me to have made that post at that time on that date because I was on an airplane over the Atlantic Ocean" his ass is covered. The fact that he has left his ass uncovered is prime evidence of his innocence. People like Little Hawk always cover their asses.

Convoluted? You bet your sweet ass it is. Johnny Cochran's probably in awe.

Sincerely,

Bee-dubya-ell


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Little Hawk
Date: 16 Dec 03 - 10:29 PM

Bee-Dub, Sherlock's lousy spelling has me thinking he's you! Now that IS devious. Either that or he's Tweed, but I don't think so. Tweed spells even worse than that. Either that or it's Khandu, who is clearly descending into some sort of hallucinatory frenzy, due to delusions of grandeur combined with way too much marmite and gatorade.

At any rate, I like your line of reasoning.

- LH


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Winston Wellington-Jones
Date: 16 Dec 03 - 10:44 PM

Penelope, that was a low blow.

West, you know where to reach me. Just make up your bloody mind about it. I have to know whether I am or am not in training for the balance of the holidays.

And you stupid, sodding Yankees and Canucks can all bloody well sod off!!!!

WW-J


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Linda Kelly
Date: 17 Dec 03 - 04:33 AM

Is that one of the Lincolnshire McSwiggins?


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 17 Dec 03 - 05:37 AM

I have a sugestion to make to Captain West and Winston Wellie-Jones. Why don't you both cross the Atlantic and hold your duel over there. Handguns are legal and readily available, and it will make it easy for the inhabitants of the ex-colonies to satisfy their curiosity about the niceties of english etiquette (or the less-niceties if we're referring to Mr Wellie-Jones - isn't he a filmstar who used to play soccer for Wimbledon ?).

Ms Rutledge could remain in Twillingsgate, comforted by her many remaining admirers, and swoon (or show other signs of grief/joy) when the result of the duel is reveal to her by telegraphic means.


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Amos
Date: 17 Dec 03 - 08:12 AM

One of you start from San Francisco, one from New York, on a set date, each equipped with a return ticket, Cobra hand gun and a Toyota Tercel, two sets of underwear, two sets of clothes, and one overcoat and $2500 and nothing else.

And may the best man win. The entire continent is available to you as your field of honor. Fortunately, no-one else has booked it this season.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: artbrooks
Date: 17 Dec 03 - 08:29 AM

I would recommend that you plan on your final rendezvous being on the streets of Phoenix: pistols at ten paces and 80 miles per hour. After all, everyone else does it!


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Dec 03 - 08:37 AM

That's good. The Idaho contingent will stand down. Most already are stood down, some even laying down and some of these are even alone. Hard to keep crack riders and crack shots sober, much less celibate.


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Malcolm Buggeroll
Date: 17 Dec 03 - 09:07 AM

The Duel

And so it was
In the limpid hours of dawn
The sun's bright disk barely cracking the emblazoned horizon
Pouring forth like a great, spewing plinth
Upon the verdant lowlands
That I saw
There, rampant upon the soil
Swords strapped upon their heaving flanks
Grim resolution written in their eyes
The chosen heroes...or villains...of the hour
Step forth to triumph or miserable demise!

And in what cloistered bower
In what perfumed boudoir
Doth their maiden wait?
Her breath coursing in whispered snatches
Her birdlike heart pounding
Like the pendulum of a tiny Swiss clock
Fashioned by some wizened machinist of yore
Toiling over the instruments of his ancient trade
Like a god toiling over the creation of a sentient ape!

Nay! Think not of death and tragedy.
Think rather of the merry play of the Fates
Weaving their inscrutable tapestries
Upon our vagrant lives
With complacent, fathomless disdain
Tempered by a teaspoon of easy grace.

If 'twere not for the fact
That a lady abandoned is akin
To a fine car that lacks a differential
Better that both these heroes should fall
And thus in their falling
Provide fertile ground for a century
Of exaggerated tales of manly prowess...

But wait! The hour soon arrives.

And I must hasten down the following wind
To Rouen, marvelous Rouen
Where my lover awaits!
Angelique! I am coming!

I cannot stay and see blood spilled upon this field.
Let the devil take the hindmost
And may it be Winston.

- Malcolm Buggeroll (writing from Rouen, France)


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Captain West
Date: 17 Dec 03 - 09:09 AM

"Wellies" --

Gentlemen NEVER engage with those who are their inferiors socially, financially, intellectually, or morally. Nor do gentlemen engage with cowards and criminals.

I might possibly have discounted much of your past as the peccadilloes of youth, but when I discovered that you regularily cheat at Patience! And that you even attempt to do so when you play on a computer! Well, really!

Since you are so utterly inferior to myself, and, I might add, to Miss Rutledge, I could no more meet you on a field of honour than I could do what you used to do to those poor "fags" at St. Dismas. You are utterly without honour, courage, or moral fiber and, I suspect, beyond redemption.

I have put up my revolver and life preserver. One does not need the protection afforded by honourable arms from such a slinking, bestial, quivering, opportunistic, immoral lickspittle as yourself. Instead, I am carrying an entirely appropriate dogwhip which I intend to use on you should you be unfortunate enough to cross my path.

Captain West, DSO


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 17 Dec 03 - 09:24 AM

No doubt expects me to sink his punt on the next anal outing! Ha! Ha!

What kind of langauge is that for civilised society. You, sir, are no gentleman.

:D


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Miss "Q" of Twillingsgate
Date: 17 Dec 03 - 09:31 AM

Oh my! Marvelous use of language, Captain West. Simply ripping! I want to thank you on behalf of all the young women in Twillingsgate for taunting Winston in such terms as will probably drive him right round the bend. What is it the Americans say? "LOL!!!" Oh, this is just too much. You have us in stitches here. Please don't misunderstand me when I say I can only encourage you to keep it up... for Penelope's sake at least, if not for your own. Oh, LOLOLOLOL!

Miss "Q"


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Dirty Old Git
Date: 17 Dec 03 - 10:05 AM

Miss Q, You sound like my sorta gal, 'ow d'ya fancy meetin' up wiv me some time. Is this Twillingsgate place in the area covered by me London bus pass - anywhere near Billingsgate ? Yer know - I reckons I'd even be willing ter come south of the river fer a bird like you.

Don't worry about those two nancy boys who try and sound so tuff - they wouldn't be so cocky if they were looking down the ten inch barrels of my old sawn-off. Wot abaht it then ?


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Amos
Date: 17 Dec 03 - 10:09 AM

There is no reason Wellies can not rightly be labeled a roue,for which the definition from the American Heritage is simply:
NOUN: A lecherous dissipated man.
ETYMOLOGY: French, from past participle of rouer, to break on a wheel (from the feeling that such a person deserves that punishment), from Old French, from Latin rotre, to rotate. See rotate.


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Amos
Date: 17 Dec 03 - 10:13 AM

That should have, of course, been rouè.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 17 Dec 03 - 12:11 PM

Have you heard the rumour about the portrait that Wellie-Jones keeps locked up in a cupboard ?


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Dec 03 - 01:06 PM

Oh King, to whom shall I send the bill for cleaning the horse pucky from the streets? Two hundred horses and three hundred remounts produce quite a bit of, well, "hoss leavin's." We can't wash it into the Portneuf River or the EPA'll be on us like stink on...like flies on a gutwagon. The city doesn't want to clean it up, and 'most all of the crack shots and crack riders have either gone home or wandered off. Bobby Joe's Manure Haulin' and Barbecue will take care of it, but they want to get paid. So, where do I send the bill? (I think that I can fix up those complaints about paternity and busted-up bars.)


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Enrique Gomez
Date: 17 Dec 03 - 01:35 PM

You should do what we do in Cuba with the horses. Hang a cloth bag at the back of the horse. The bag catches all the mierda and keeps the streets clean but it does not prevent the horse from urinating in any way. In this way we have many horse carriages, as you will see in our cities, yet the streets are kept quite nicely clean.

I think you should send the bill to your Presidente, Bush. He can spare so many billions for conquering Iraq that I think he could pay this one little bill for you.


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Ms Penelope Rutledge
Date: 17 Dec 03 - 01:43 PM

I should like to remind everyone that it is Miss "Q" who is entirely responsible for this idiotic thread, and she is going to pay dearly for it when I find her. Which I shall.

(I was disgusted to see one of Malcolm Buggeroll's poetic ramblings on this forum, but it's a minor distraction. The man is incapable of creating anything artistic. His only talents lie in enlarging the boundaries of perversity. He has fled to France, where such things are more readily tolerated, and that is a blessing for the British Isles.)

* PR


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,The Twillingsgate Herald, Special Edition
Date: 18 Dec 03 - 12:46 PM

- Ms Rutledge Wallops Miss Sherbrooke!!! Town Aghast!!! -

Patrons at fashionable Freddy's Cafe were shocked this afternoon when a screaming fistfight erupted between Ms Penelope Rutledge, 25, and Miss Connie Sherbrooke, 23. Ms Rutledge was seen to march into the cafe at around 2 pm, while Miss Sherbrooke and two other ladies, Miss Finch and Miss Ponsonby were having tea.

"She looked like a woman on a mission," remarked Morty Watson, a waiter at Freddy's. "She was clearly out for blood, if you ask me. Here's what I saw. She walked straight up to Miss Sherbrooke's table, where the girls were chatting and laughing about something, puts her hands on her hips like this (demonstrating)...and says, ""Miss 'Q', I presume?"", glaring right at Miss Connie Sherbrooke. ""What did you say?"" replies Miss Sherbrooke. ""You know exactly what I said, you lying, treacherous, gossip-mongering little snitch!"" snaps Miss Rutledge. ""Stand up!!!"" ...and the whole place goes silent.

"Well, Miss Sherbrooke she gets right up out of her seat and BOOM! Ms Penelope whacks her and they start fighting right in the middle of the cafe. I've never seen the like of it. Everyone was sort of paralyzed."

"So, the upshot of it was, Ms Rutledge landed a wicked combination of rights and lefts....smack! smack!....Oh, I'm glad it wasn't me on the receiving end...and Miss Connie lands flat on her back on the floor and decides to just stay there for a bit, which in my opinion was a wise decision. She looked pretty stunned."

"Ms Rutledge then dusts off her hands, says ""Put that in Pruella's bloody gossip column, you little spy!"" and storms out of the place. It was all over in a few seconds, seemed like."

"Miss Connie was very upset, understandably, and left the Cafe immediately afterward, accompanied by her friends. I am given to understand that Ms Rutledge went straight to the police station and turned herself in, or something like that."

"I am in deep shock. I never thought I'd see anything like this happen at Freddy's. Our customers are normally very well behaved, and Ms Rutledge has dined here on numerous occasions without incident."

The Twillingsgate Herald has determined that Ms Rutledge did indeed turn herself in to the Twillingsgate Constabulary, and admits freely to have struck the first blow. She has been released on probation, according to Constable Forthright, and will not be required to post bail.

We will follow up with further details as soon as we have them.

- Clarence Farrell, Twillingsgate Herald, Special Edition


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Amos
Date: 18 Dec 03 - 01:11 PM

Brava!! Brava!! Let's hear it for Penelope, the finest banjo-picker and pugiliste in all of Twillingsgate!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Winston Wellington-Jones
Date: 18 Dec 03 - 05:03 PM

Penelope, I am very proud of you. Damn fine show! Just what I would have done in your position. All is forgiven! It doesn't surprise me that it was Connie. I know that one, she's a tricky bird, and she's never liked you one bit anyway. I am here, Penelope, if you need me.

WW-J


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Captain West
Date: 18 Dec 03 - 05:03 PM

Wellington-Jones!

See what trouble your meddling ways have brought! You low cur, you have caused Miss Rutledge to forget herself and run afoul of the Law!

Oh, yes, I know. I have been investigating the source of the scurrilous rumours regarding Miss Rutledge for some time, and only today did I come across irrefutable evidence of your complicity!

Were I not Under Orders I would hunt you down like the beast you are. As it stands, I am attempting to obtain a deferment in my reporting date so that I can assist Miss Rutledge in any way I can.

Captain Nigel West, DSO


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Winston Wellington-Jones
Date: 18 Dec 03 - 05:16 PM

Oh, sod off, West. I have known Penelope all my life, and I am not about to abandon her or conspire against her, though we may have our disagreements from time to time. You are losing your bearings, sir. You are in the grip of some raving fantasy. All the better, I say. Penelope will soon realize what a tremendous mistake it would be to marry you, and she will dump you with a sigh of relief.

I hope your "Orders" dispatch you to Afghanistan ASAP and some Taliban fanatics blow your silly ass to blazes.

I haven't got time for your rubbish right now.

WW-J


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,The Vogon High Command
Date: 18 Dec 03 - 05:50 PM

Greetings, Earth slime:

We Vogons are getting ready to build another bypass. However, you lucky slimes, this time it will not be necessary for us to destroy your entire ugly little planet. New technology has made it possible for us to build the bypass in the form of a tunnel through the planet. This tunnel will be five of your miles wide. Its point of origin will be in the desert area of what you call "Australia". Its point of egress will be in what you call the "United Kingdom" where a village known as "Twillingsgate" is currently situated. Residents of "Twillingsgate" are hereby duly warned that your village will cease to exist in approximately five minutes. We strongly suggest you take advantage of the remaining time to leave, pray, or put your finances in order.

We are sorry for the inconvenience.

Ha! Only kidding! No, not about the bypass. About being sorry, dumbass!

Sincerely,

Vogon High Command


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Captain West
Date: 18 Dec 03 - 06:02 PM

Wellington-Jones,

As difficult as it is for me to say this, I believe that at this time you, like myself, have only Miss Rutledge's welfare at heart. For the nonce, then, let us bury the hatchet and work together to extricate her from this difficulty.

We can discuss our differences later.

Nigel West


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Albert McSwiggins, ex-Gardener
Date: 18 Dec 03 - 06:12 PM

Bloody 'ell! Five minutes! I'm still waitin' for me Christmas gift wot me nephew Tommy is sendin' from America...a boxed set of Wrestlemania DVDs!

Wait a minute...

'Ere, it's been 7 minutes now...I fink they's lyin'. Wait. It's been 8 minutes. Everyfink looks awright outside to me...

Right. They was lyin' to us. There ain't no Vogon 'igh Command.

Well, it was Connie Sherbrooke wot done it awright. She always was a nasty bit o' crumpet wot liked causin' distress to others, she was. Got me fired one time. I used to be the Sherbrooke's gardener and 'andyman back in '97. Come to fink of it, she 'as indireckly got me fired again!

I finks I know where Ms Rutledge got the tip, but I cannot reveal me sources at this time. Suffice it to say that if you want inside info you've got to go to the domestic staff for it. It's this wot makes us inmeasurably valuable to the privileged classes, and secures us our jobs. Also, we don't mind gettin' our 'ands dirty!

I am presently engaged in negotiatin' wif Rutledge House, and I just want to say that I didn't mean no harm whatever when I mentioned the punchin' bag, but was just expressin' me honest admiration and regard for Ms Penelope, along wif me concern that someone might get 'urt. I should not 'ave posted amonimously and I will not do so again. Cross me 'eart and 'ope to die.

- Albert McSwiggins


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Winston Wellington-Jones
Date: 18 Dec 03 - 06:25 PM

Agreed, West. Now you're talking sense. I shall disregard our past disagreements and conduct myself in a gentlemanly manner. It's an unusual situation here, requiring mutual cooperation. There may be significant legal entanglements ahead, and it's best that we don't muddy the waters by trying to kill each other. Cheerio.

Respectfully,

WW-J

p.s. If you've got contacts in the overseas service, see if you can set them on that swine, Malcolm Buggeroll, and put a stick up his wicket. The bastard's in Rouen, apparently, and is most likely in the company of a French tart named Angelique. She is far more dangerous than he is, I might add.


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,The Vogon High Command
Date: 19 Dec 03 - 06:57 AM

Greetings, Insignificant Earthlings (I don't know why I bother to communicate wth you really):

Do you really expect us Vogans to measure time in the same paltry units that you do on your puny little planet ? Our home planet is much larger than that minute lump of excremental rock which you call Earth, and because of the machanics of our star system, orbits our five stars in a series of highly variable orbits. Thus the Vogan year may range from 47.41376 of your earthly 'days' to 213,864.98643. We still split our year into similiar periods to you earthling, but our time periods are therefore of dynamically variable duration.

A more detailed survey has shown that there is a powerful source of hyperspacial noise situated near the cesspit which you designate Twillingsgate, which you refer to as Hull. This will have to be completely irradicated if the settings for our bypass are to remain stable. On a recent trial run of the equipment, stray 9s completely wrecked the alignment and delicate components were damaged by the smell of curry. Our preparations will therefor take about 17.17954 of your 'days'.

Like many Vogans I am a keen poet and would be willing to accept bookings for a reasonable fee at any of your local 'Folk Clubs' while the construction fleet is in this part of the galaxy. Perhaps I may be able to encourage you to book me by reminding you that we will need to perform some preliminary calibration tests of our destructer beams and that I have researched the exact locations of all club organisers in advance. A suitable fee would be about £1,500 in your local currency - or alternatively I would accept healthy women or children to sell as slaves/food.

The being who you know as jOhn from Hull is in fact one of our surveillance robots and all offers should be routed via him.


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Captain West
Date: 19 Dec 03 - 08:54 AM

Wellington-Jones,

We're agreed then. Our personal disputes can be taken up again later.

I quite agree about Rouen, and I wouldn't be at all surprised if certain things happened there in the very near future. A bit of a warning first off, perhaps, something that can't very well be ignored. You're quite right, I have Certain Friends in Certain Places, most associated with the Paras and the SAS.

I've also taken the liberty of contacting my friend Nevil Bruce-Aldersmythe, QC, who will be on the way to Twillingsgate tomorrow ack emma. No charge, he owes me some favours.

My orders have been deferred while this business with Miss Rutledge plays out -- the Colonel is a most understanding gentleman and his connections at the War Offic are impeccable.

Oh, yes. RSM "Hammer" Siddons is also popping in. You'll have heard of him, I'm certain: All-Service wrestling champion, instructor to the SAS and SBS in hand-to-hand, and a knifeman and pistol shot without peer anywhere in the world. I rather think than Miss Rutledge could use some relief from those press vultures, don't you?

NW


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Amos
Date: 19 Dec 03 - 09:04 AM

Oh, my, doesn't THAT explain things!! :>)

A


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Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Winston Wellington-Jones
Date: 19 Dec 03 - 10:59 AM

By Jove, Captain West, I have indeed heard of "Hammer" Siddons, and I should very much like to meet him over a glass of port. I see that I may have underestimated you, in my natural desire to protect Ms Rutledge.

I dearly hope that the swine Buggeroll is eavesdropping on this thread, as he will be shaking in his boots now, I trust... The man is an arrant coward with far too high an opinion of himself. He always wears a kilt, usually with nothing else under it so I understand, and fancies himself to be the most irresistible sexual athlete in the civilized world. He has given great offence to Penelope in the past, which nearly led to his sudden demise. (It happened that they were alone in the library at the Vicar's Inn, you see, and there are a couple of old sabers hanging on the wall there...well, Penelope tends toward quick reactions when they are absolutely required. I'll say no more about it.)

I also had the pleasure of thumping his fat face...once only, sad to say, but he wouldn't get back up and face the music.

Things are looking reasonably "copacetic" here at this point. Penelope was very upset, but she is regaining her composure now. Not a peep has been heard from the Sherbrookes. I think they may let it pass, rather than opening "Pandora's box" by taking legal action. Legal action between the rich in Twillingsgate can take years to reach any resolution and impoverish a generation in the process.

And it seems that the police here would just as soon let it pass as well. I had a drink or two last night with the chief constable, Wentworth, who is a reasonable man, and I have the impression they will not press charges.

So far so good.

WW-J


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Mudcat time: 13 December 10:54 AM EST

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