BS: First Joke Thread for 2004

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 14 Jun 04 - 06:35 AM

Without Prior Public Announcement...


The Mudcat Second Joke Thread for 2004 is back!

Which Joke Thread do you support?

Vote with your Jokes Now!


The Fooles Troupe

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 14 Jun 04 - 01:53 AM

JennyO - may I draw your attention to the Second Joke Thread for 2004?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: JennyO
Date: 13 Jun 04 - 05:48 AM

Well here we are almost into the second half of 2004, and this is STILL called the First Joke Thread for 2004. Maybe it needs a name change?

A friend of mine sent me these - signs seen around the world:

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

Cocktail Lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

At a Budapest Zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO
THE GUARD.

Doctor's Office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Hotel Acapulco:
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.

Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
COOLS AND HEATS: IF YOU WANT JUST CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE
CONTROL YOURSELF.

Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM
MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE, THEN TOOTLE
HIM WITH VIGOR.

Dry Cleaner's, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

Sign in men's rest room in Japan:
TO STOP LEAK, TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT.

In a Nairobi Restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the grounds of a private school:
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.

On an Athi River Highway:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.

In a City Restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

One of the Mathare buildings:
MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE.

A sign seen on an automatic restroom handdryer:
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.

In a Pumwani maternity ward:
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Sign in Japanese public bath:
FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL COCK IN TUB.

Tokyo Hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE PROHIBITED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

Hotel Notice: Tokyo:
IS FORBIDDEN TO STEAL HOTEL TOWELS PLEASE. IF YOU ARE NOT A PERSON TO DO
SUCH A THING, PLEASE NOT TO HAVE NOTICED.

On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo Bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

In a Bangkok Temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Hotel Room Notice: Chaing-Mai, Thailand:
PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM.

Hotel Brochure: Italy:
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL
OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.

Hotel Lobby, Bucharest:
THIS LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT
YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.

Hotel Elevator, Paris:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.

Hotel Yugoslavia:
THE FLATENNING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET
COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

Hotel catering to skiers, Austria:
NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF
ASCENSION.

Taken from a menu, Poland:
SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE
FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY
PEOPLE'S FASHION.

Supermarket, Hongkong:
FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.

From a Soviet Weekly:
THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC
PAINTERSAND SCULPTORS. THESE WHERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.

In an East African newspaper:
A NEW SWIMMING POOL IN RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE
THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.

Hotel Vienna:
IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICKLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF
DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS
THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE
BED ROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

An advertisement by a Hongkong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.

A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVER CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

In the window on a Swedish furrier:
FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN.

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.

In a Swiss mountain inn:
SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE CREAM

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Peace
Date: 12 Jun 04 - 09:34 PM

Dave O:

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have
thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

That is the funniest image I have 'seen' in five years. You have made my day. Thank you. LMAO

Bruce M

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Amos
Date: 11 Jun 04 - 11:56 PM

I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down

the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever had fresh air.

She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her

that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my

finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear

me? Stay! Stay!"


The driver of a nearby car, perhaps noting that I am a blonde (??), gave

me a strange look and said. "Why don't you just put it in park?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 09 Jun 04 - 07:15 PM

Subject: Please close thread
From: foolestroupe
Date: 09-Jun-04 - 12:36 AM

The 'First Joke Thread for 2004' could be closed now please .... it's quite enough of a bulky file when downloaded.

Robin



Subject: RE: Please close thread
From: Joe Offer
Date: 09-Jun-04 - 01:15 PM

Hi, Robin - we don't close threads any more because of size. You'll notice on the Forum Menu, that the number of messages for long threads is a clickable link. If you click that link, you'll see that the thread is nicely split into segments.
I deleted your second joke thread and moved the messages into the first one. If you really want to, go ahead and start a second joke thread - but there really isn't any need.
-Joe Offer-

Subject: RE: Please close thread
From: foolestroupe
Date: 09-Jun-04 - 07:03 PM

welll,,

I did what I did because the thread is over 150Kb and takes

1) ages to download

2) accumulatelively burns larger & larger chunks of download allocation. I have stopped opening really large threads like MOAB etc.

OK - no more daily jokes...

Robin

---

If threads are too large, you can open them in segments by clinking on the "number of messages" link for that thread on the Forum Menu. Apoparently, Robin does not wish to do that, so I reopened the second thread for those who wish to use it. I see no need to close this "First Joke Thread."
-Joe Offer-

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 Jun 04 - 12:17 PM

"Wisdom"

Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're
going to like it.

If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely
your behind will get soaking wet.

The only two things we do with greater frequency in
middle age are urinate and attend funerals.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody
has the same size bucket.

To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have
thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more
comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.

Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel
single.

Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of
Halloween.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in
every joint, you are probably dead.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 Jun 04 - 12:16 PM

"Special Request"

The personnel office received an email requesting
a listing of the department staff broken down by age
and sex.

The personnel office sent this reply...

"Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one
broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few
alcoholics."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 09 Jun 04 - 12:31 AM

You can look in the Second Joke Thread for 2004 for more humour.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Cluin
Date: 19 May 04 - 02:25 AM

Two Anglican ministers on the train discuss the present sad state of sexual morality.
   "I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married," says the first minister self-righteously. "How about you?"
   "Maybe," admits the second minister. "What was her maiden name?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Cluin
Date: 19 May 04 - 02:25 AM

A priest and a rabbi are watching a fight in a boxing arena. One of the fighters crosses himself before the opening bell sounds.
   "What exactly does that mean to you Christians?" the rabbi asks.
   "Fuck all, if he can't fight," replies the priest.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Cluin
Date: 19 May 04 - 02:23 AM

Two nuns in the bathtub together...
   First one says, "Where's the soap?"
   Second one says, "It does a bit, doesn't it?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Cluin
Date: 19 May 04 - 02:22 AM

Two nuns are riding their bikes down a cobblestone street.
   The first one says to the other, "I've never come this way before. How about you?"
   "Nope," the second one says. "It's the cobbles."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Cluin
Date: 19 May 04 - 02:21 AM

A distraught nun enters the office of the Mother Superior.
   "Mother Superior," she cries. "We've discovered a case of syphilis in the convent."
   "Lovely!" replies the old nun. "I was getting damn sick of the Chablis."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Cluin
Date: 19 May 04 - 02:19 AM

A drunk staggers down main street and up the stairs of a cathedral. He crashes from pew to pew before making his way into a confessional. A priest watches the man's progress, then bustles over to enter his side of the booth to take the drunkard's confession.
   But there is no sound from the other side, save a few breaths and grunts and coughs.
   Then he hears a muffled but earnest "Damn!"
   "May I help you, my son?" the priest asks in concern.
   "Yeah, thanks, buddy," comes the drunk's voice from beyond the screen. "Got any paper on your side?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST,Mickey
Date: 17 May 04 - 02:54 AM

Little girl pricks her hand whilst being shown how to sew by her mother. She said "Mum, I need some cider" Her mum asked why and she told her...Well Mary(15yr old sister of girl) says if she gets a prick in her hand she has to get it in cider"!!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 16 May 04 - 09:10 AM

Interesting jokes Freda.... ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: freda underhill
Date: 16 May 04 - 08:42 AM

It's a good thing there are no gay people in the military because otherwise weird sex stuff might happen.

The Bush administration is now asking Congress for another 25 billion for the war in Iraq. I don't know what they're going to be buying with this money, but I think we can rule out anymore digital cameras.

Foreign policy experts say that this Iraqi prison abuse thing could be a real setback in relations between American and Arab countries. But it was going so well up until this.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: freda underhill
Date: 16 May 04 - 08:41 AM

President Bush said he will not punish Donald Rumsfeld. Which is good, because no one wants to see pictures of a naked, old man.

Who would have ever thought that more naked pictures would come out under the Bush administration than under the Clinton administration?

The big story continues to be the torment of Iraqi prisoners by U.S. troops ... Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld's been getting a lot of heat. Up until today, a lot of people thought he might step down or get pushed out, but this morning, President Bush said Rumsfeld's doing a 'superb' job. Wait until he finds out 'superb' means 'good.'

Donald Rumsfeld testified before Congress today. Donald Rumsfeld said he didn't read the report on Iraqi prisoners because it was too long and it contained too much information. When he heard this, President Bush said 'Hey that's my line.'

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 14 May 04 - 09:20 AM

An octogenarian walked into the Doctors surgery and told the Doctor.."Doctor, I want my sex drive lowering". The doctor replied.."At your age it's all in your head man".....The man replied."That's what I mean doctor..I want it lowering"!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 14 May 04 - 05:39 AM

Life Will Not Be Like Star Trek
-------------------------------
..........................................................
Written by Scott Adams, published in "The Dilbert Future" by HarperBusiness. Copyright United Media, 1997. Please keep this notice with the text if you forward it by e-mail.
..........................................................

There are so many Star Trek(tm) spin-offs that it is easy to fool yourself into thinking that the Star Trek vision is an accurate vision of the future. Sadly, Star Trek does not take into account the stupidity, selfishness, and horniness of the average human being. Allow me to describe some of the more obvious errors in the Star Trek vision.

Medical Technology
------------------
On Star Trek, the doctors have hand-held devices that instantly close any openings in the skin. Imagine that sort of device in the hands of your unscrupulous friends. They would sneak up behind you and seal your ass shut as a practical joke. The devices would be sold in novelty stores instead of medical outlets. All things considered, I'm happy that it's not easy to close other people's orifices.

Transporter
-----------
It would be great to be able to beam your molecules across space and then reassemble them. The only problem is that you have to trust your co-worker to operate the transporter. These are the same people who won't add paper to the photocopier or make a new pot of coffee after taking the last drop. I don't think they'll be double-checking the transporter coordinates. They'll be accidentally beaming people into walls, pets, and furniture. People will spend all their time apologizing for having inanimate objects protruding from parts of their bodies.

'Pay no attention to the knickknacks; I got beamed into a hutch yesterday.'

If I could beam things from one place to another, I'd never leave the house. I'd sit in a big comfy chair and just start beaming groceries, stereo equipment, cheerleaders, and anything else I wanted right into my house. I'm fairly certain I would abuse this power. If anybody came to arrest me, I'd beam them into space. If I wanted some paintings for my walls, I'd beam the contents of the Louvre over to my place, pick out the good stuff, and beam the rest into my neighbor's garage.

If I were watching the news on television and didn't like what I heard, I would beam the anchorman into my living room during the commercial break, give him a vicious wedgie, and beam him back before anybody noticed. I'd never worry about 'keeping up with the Joneses,' because as soon as they got something nice, it would disappear right out of their hands. My neighbors would have to use milk crates for furniture. And that's only after I had all the milk crates I would ever need for the rest of my life. There's only one thing that could keep me from spending all my time wreaking havoc with the transporter: the holodeck.

Holodeck
--------
For those of you who only watched the 'old' Star Trek, the holodeck can create simulated worlds that look and feel just like the real thing. The characters on Star Trek use the holodeck for recreation during breaks from work. This is somewhat unrealistic. If I had a holodeck, I'd close the door and never come out until I died of exhaustion. It would be hard to convince me I should be anywhere but in the holodeck, getting my oil massage from Cindy Crawford and her simulated twin sister.

Holodecks would be very addicting. If there weren't enough holodecks to go around, I'd get the names of all the people who had reservations ahead of me and beam them into concrete walls. I'd feel tense about it, but that's exactly why I'd need a massage.

I'm afraid the holodeck will be society's last invention.

Sex with Aliens
---------------

According to Star Trek, there are many alien races populated with creatures who would like to have sex with humans. This would open up a lot of anatomical possibilities, but imagine the confusion. It's hard enough to have sex with human beings, much less humanoids. One wrong move and you're suddenly transported naked to the Gamma Quadrant to stand trial for who-knows-what. This could only add to performance anxiety. You would never be quite sure what moves would be sensual and what moves would be a galactic-sized mistake.

Me Trying to Have Sex with an Alien
-----------------------------------

Me: May I touch that?

Alien: That is not an erogenous zone. It is a separate corporeal being that has been attached to my body for six hundred years.

Me: It's cute. I wonder if it would let me have sex with it.

Alien: That's exactly what I said six hundred years ago.

The best part about having sex with aliens, according to the Star Trek model, is that the alien always dies a tragic death soon afterward. I don't have to tell you how many problems that would solve. Realistically, the future won't be that convenient.

Phasers
-------
I would love to have a device that would stun people into unconsciousness without killing them. I would use it ten times a day. If I got bad service at the convenience store, I'd zap the clerk. If somebody with big hair sat in front of me at the theater, zap!

On Star Trek, there are no penalties for stunning people with phasers. It happens all the time. All you have to do is claim you were possessed by an alien entity. Apparently, that is viewed as a credible defense in the Star Trek future. Imagine real criminals in a world where the 'alien possession' defense is credible.

Criminal: Yes, officer, I did steal that vehicle, and I did kill the occupants, but I was possessed by an evil alien entity.

Officer: Well, okay. Move along.

I wish I had a phaser right now. My neighbor's dog likes to stand under my bedroom window on the other side of the fence and bark for hours at a time. My neighbor has employed the bold defense that he believes it might be another neighbor's dog, despite the fact that I am standing there looking at him barking only twenty feet away. In a situation like this, a phaser is really the best approach. I could squeeze off a clean shot through the willow tree. A phaser doesn't make much noise, so it wouldn't disturb anyone. Then the unhappy little dog and I could both get some sleep. If the neighbor complains, I'll explain that the phaser was fired by the other neighbor's dog, a known troublemaker who is said to be invisible.

And if that doesn't work, a photon torpedo is clearly indicated.

Cyborgs
-------
Given the choice, I would rather be a cyborg instead of 100 percent human. I like the thought of technology becoming part of my body. As a human, I am constantly running to the toolbox in my garage to get a tool to deal with some new household malfunction. If I were a cyborg, I might have an electric drill on my arm, plus a metric socket set. That would save a lot of trips. From what I've seen, the cyborg concept is a modular design, so you can add whatever tools you think you'd use most.

I'd love to see crosshairs appear in my viewfinder every time I looked at someone. It would make me feel menacing, and I'd like that. I'd program myself so that anytime I saw a car salesman, a little message would appear in my viewfinder that said 'Target Locked On.'

It would also be great to have my computer built into my skull. That way I could surf the Net during useless periods of life, such as when people talk to me. All I'd have to do is initiate a head-nodding subroutine during boring conversations and I could amuse myself in my head all day long.

I think that if anyone could become a cyborg, there would be a huge rush of people getting in line for the conversion. Kids would like it for the look. Adults would like it for its utility. Cyborg technology has something for everyone. So, unlike Star Trek, I can imagine everyone wanting to be a cyborg.

The only downside I can see is that when the human part dies and you're at the funeral, the cyborg part will try to claw its way out of the casket and slay all the mourners. But that risk can be minimized by saying you have an important business meeting, so you can't make it to the service.

Shields
-------
I wish I had an invisible force field. I'd use it all the time, especially around people who spit when they talk or get too close to my personal space. In fact, I'd probably need a shield quite a bit if I also had a phaser to play with.

I wouldn't need a big shield system like the one they use to protect the Enterprise, maybe just a belt-clip device for personal use. I could insult dangerous people without fear of retribution. Whatever crumbs of personality I now have would be completely unnecessary in the future. On the plus side, it would make shopping much more fun.

Shopping with Shields Up
------------------------

Me: Ring this up for me, you unpleasant cretin.

Saleswoman: I oughta slug you!

Me: Try it. My shields are up.

Saleswoman: Damn!

Me: There's nothing you can do to harm me.

Saleswoman: I guess you're right. Would you like to open a charge account? Our interest rates are very reasonable.

Me: Nice try.

Long-Range Sensors
------------------
If people had long-range sensors, they would rarely use them to scan for new signs of life. I think they would use them to avoid work. You could run a continuous scan for your boss and then quickly transport yourself out of the area when he came near. If your manager died in his office, you would know minutes before the authorities discovered him, and that means extra break time.

Vulcan Death Grip
-----------------
Before all you Trekkies write to correct me, I know there is no such thing as a Vulcan Death Grip even in Star Trek. But I wish there were. That would have come in handy many times. It would be easy to make the Vulcan Death Grip look like an accident.

'I was just straightening his collar and he collapsed.'

I think the only thing that keeps most people from randomly killing other citizens is the bloody mess it makes and the high likelihood of getting caught. With the Vulcan Death Grip, it would be clean and virtually undetectable. Everybody would be killing people left and right. You wouldn't be able to have a decent conversation at the office over the sound of dead co-workers hitting the carpet. The most common sounds in corporate America would be, 'I'm sorry I couldn't give you a bigger raise, but . . . erk!'

And that's why the future won't be like Star Trek.

..........................................................
Written by Scott Adams, published in "The Dilbert Future" by HarperBusiness. Copyright United Media, 1997. Please keep this notice with the text.
..........................................................

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Cluin
Date: 14 May 04 - 12:13 AM

An octogenarian man walked into a crowded doctor's waiting room.
   As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?""
   "There's something wrong with my prick," he replied.
   The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that.
   "Why not?" he asked. "You asked me what was wrong and I told you."
   The receptionist replied, "Because you've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
   "Oh... okay."
   The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered the waiting room.
   The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
   "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
   The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And is this a serious problem with your ear, sir?"
   "Yep. There's blood and pus coming out of it and it burns like a fucker when I piss out of it," the man replied.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Cluin
Date: 14 May 04 - 12:01 AM

The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town. One day he was walking down High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.
   "Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
   "Sure," she acquiesced with a slur, obviously very drunk.
   But when Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.
   After rolling around for a few moments, the reverend wound up on top of the young lady, whose flailing about had inadvertently hiked her skirt up to her waist.
   The barkeep looked over to see what the fuss was and said, "Oi, Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."
   The reverend looked up at the landlord indignantly and said, "No, you don't understand... I am Pastor Flapps."
   The barkeep shrugged and said, "Ah, right... well, if you've got that far, you might as well finish then."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 13 May 04 - 03:59 PM

*I.T. Department Computer Problem Self-Report Form*

1. Describe your problem: ______________________________

2. Now, describe your problem accurately: _________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem: __________

4. Problem Severity: A. Minor__ B. Minor__ C. Minor__ D. Trivial__

5. Nature of the problem: A. Locked Up__ B. Frozen__ C. Hung__ D. Shot__

6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__

7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__

9. Have you made it worse? Yes__

10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__

11. Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes__ No__

12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__

13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__

14. If 'Yes,' then why can't you fix the problem yourself? ____________

15. How tall are you? Are you above this line? ___________________

16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred? ________________________________

17. If 'nothing,' explain why you were logged in: ___________________

18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

19. How does this problem make you feel? _______________________

20. Tell me about your childhood: _______________________________

21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__

22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes__

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Cluin
Date: 13 May 04 - 11:31 AM

How many Canadians does it take to change a light bulb?

The question is moot. The government will take care of it for us.

And several years later an RCMP commission will discover backroom members and their business cronies have been pocketing light bulbs for years while we sit in the dark.



Okay, that one wasn't funny. Just a bit too close to home

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 13 May 04 - 06:31 AM

(Q)How many psychotherapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
(A)Three...one to actually change it and two to determine if it really wants to change.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 13 May 04 - 05:08 AM

Why was Cleopatra so negative?

Because she was queen of denial.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Cluin
Date: 12 May 04 - 10:08 PM

How many Anglicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Four. One to change the bulb and three to serve refreshments.

How many Catholic priests does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three. One to screw it in, one to take confession, and one more to move the first priest to another parish.

How many Fundamentalists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Change it yourself. The Bible doesn't mention light bulbs.

How many Televangelists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. But for the message of hope to continue, send your donation today!

How many unbelievers does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. But they're still in darkness.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 11 May 04 - 02:39 PM

Archaeologist finds 3000 year old mummy

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum. "I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out." A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"

"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Cluin
Date: 11 May 04 - 02:12 PM

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a quart of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
   As she was unloading her items on the checkout belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
   He said, "Ha! You must be single."
   The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, looked at her six items being checked out. But she could see nothing particularly unusual about her selections.
   She turned to the drunk, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
   The drunk replied, "'Cause yer ugly."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST
Date: 11 May 04 - 02:23 AM

A Young Couple . . .

On their way to get married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all.

"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 10 May 04 - 07:53 PM

For Parents....

Remember this the next time you are having a bad day. Even beating your head against a brick wall uses 150 calories.....

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 10 May 04 - 10:33 AM

Man goes into Chemists and asks the man...(quietly)...behind the counter what he thinks of Viagra, as he has heard so much about it. The Chemist says "It is absolutely wonderful..I take one half an hour before I finish work and when I get home, my wife and I are at it all night from tea time"

The man looked at him and quietly whispered to him.
"Can you get it over the counter?"
The Chemist replied..."Yes I can if I take two"!!!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 10 May 04 - 05:45 AM

Ancient Greek Humor


Mortal: What is a million years like to you?

Zeus: Like one second.

Mortal: What is a million dollars like to you?

Zeus: Like one mite.

Mortal: Can I have a mite?

Zeus: Just a second...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 08 May 04 - 06:49 AM

On the Nile, a small steamship runs over a riverboat. The boat is sinking fast, the passengers struggling for their lives. Immediately the crocodiles get into motion and are approaching the site of the accident.
Aboard the steamship the tourists are watching. One says to another: "These Egyptians! Not the slightest idea how to steer a boat - but the lifeboats must be designed by Lacoste!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 28 Apr 04 - 11:31 AM

A man and a woman, who had never met before, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two were tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, he leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 28 Apr 04 - 05:12 AM

A full version of the Dead Duck can be found here, with the cat scan.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 27 Apr 04 - 05:14 PM

So this woman goes into the vets with a duck...a dead duck.   The vet says "your duck is dead"...she says "No it's in a coma" He insists it is dead but she insists it isn't. The vet leaves the room and comes back in followed by his Labrador dog...the dog sniffs the duck and turns away to walk out of the room. He then calls his cat in and it sniffs the duck....then swiftly turns to walk away.
The vet then says "Your duck is dead and that will be £80 please"
She said "that is a lot of money"...to which he replied "well the charge for ascertaining the duck was dead would have been £20...but you insisted it was alive so the extra charged is for the Lab report and the cat scan".

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: SueB
Date: 27 Apr 04 - 01:20 PM

Okay, time for some Buddy Hackett:

Have you heard the one about the guy who goes to the doctor with a dot on his forehead? The doctor says, "Oh my God! I've never seen this before, but I read about it in medical school. In six weeks you're going to have a full-sized penis growing out of your forehead!" "Well, cut it out!" says the patient. "I can't," says the doctor. "It's attached to your brain - you'd die." "Oh my God!" says the patient. "So you're saying that in six weeks every morning when I wake up and look in the mirror, I'm going to see a penis growing out of my forehead?" "Oh, you won't see it," says the doctor. "The balls will cover your eyes."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 27 Apr 04 - 07:07 AM

The above joke from GUEST was an original of mine which was actually done in poetry and called "The power of prayer".....

Mrs Brown had a wayward parrot,
A pretty young thing called Flo.
Who was always swearing and talking,
In sexual innuendo.

Mrs Brown went for tea with the pastor,
One Sunday evening last year.
Where she saw his old parrot praying,
Which gave her a clever idea.

She asked the pastor at tea time,
Can I borrow your old parrot "Rex"
To try to influence my parrot Flo,
Who talks of nothing but sex.

She took Rex home the same evening,
He prayed all the way in the car.
She was really impressed by the old bird,
Whose manners outshone Flos by far.

But as soon as she put him in Flos cage,
She realised her greatest fears.
Flo said "Do you want some Rex" and Rex said,
"I've been praying for this for years"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST
Date: 27 Apr 04 - 03:59 AM

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest asks.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaims, then he thinks for a moment. "You know, I have two male talking parrots that I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.

"Thank you," the woman says. "This may be the solution."

The next day, she brings her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushers her in, she sees that his two male parrots are inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walks over and places her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cry out in unison, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There is stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and says, "Put those beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST
Date: 27 Apr 04 - 03:57 AM

"Happy anniversary Mom and dad," gushed son number one, "Sorry I'm running late - had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to get you both a present."

"Not to worry," said the dad - "The important thing is that we're all together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom still look great dad, Just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present- sorry." "It's nothing," said the father, glad you were able to be here."

Just then, the daughter arrived. "Hello you both, happy anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing - so I didn't have time to get you guys anything." Again, the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today."

During dinner, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen you three, there's something your mother and I wanted to tell you for a long time. Well - your mother and I came to this country penniless and desperate. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and sent you all to college. We always knew we loved each other but... we never got around to getting married."

The three kids gasped and said, "You mean we're BASTARDS?" "Yep," said the dad..."and cheap ones too!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Apr 04 - 10:15 AM

"Having Some Fun with A Wrong Number"

It was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room watching television when the phone rang. "Hello?" I said. A girl's voice came over the line. "Can I speak to Ben, please?" I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was probably a wrong number and I was bored. I replied, "I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message?"

"Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded.

"I think he said he'd be home around 10:00."

Silence on the other end... a confused silence.

"Is this Steve?"

My name isn't Steve, either. This was definitely a wrong number.

So I replied, "Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?"

"Well... he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him," she said in a slightly irritated voice.

I replied, "Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said that he would be back at 10:00."

A shocked voice now: "Who's Karen?"

"The girl he went out with."

"I know that! I mean... who is she?"

"I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?"

"Yes... please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home."

She was sounding pretty irate at this point, and I could hear her temper flaring. "I sure will. Is this Jennifer?"

She exploded, "Who's Jennifer?"

Apparently she wasn't.

"Well... he's going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry... it was an honest mistake."

"Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called him and the she's very upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home."

I smiled and said, "Okay, I will... but Becky isn't going to like this..."

*Click*

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 19 Apr 04 - 05:29 PM

well at least read the above jokes if you can't write anything yourself

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 19 Apr 04 - 02:36 PM

Finding the electric chair to be faulty, the Government called in Paddy to fix it. After three hours work, they found Paddy with the chair in pieces and said is everything alright Paddy?..Paddy replied..."It's a good job you called me in sir...this thing is a bloody death trap"!!!

Four guys went shooting and one shot a deer....taking a part of it each..they went home and one of them, whose children were pretty fussy over food, decided not to tell them what it was....At dinner, one of the kids said "What on earth is this"? and the man said "I won't actually tell you what it is, but I will give you a hint,
It is something your mother calls me very often".....
One of the other kids said "No don't eat it, it's arsehole"!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Cluin
Date: 19 Apr 04 - 12:04 AM

20 Ways to Annoy People in a Public Restroom

1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor: "Pardon me... Do you have any Grey Poupon?"

2. Say: "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say: "Damn, this water's cold."

5. Drop a marble and say: "Oh shit, NO! My glass eye!"

6. Say: "Hmmm, I've never seen that colour before."

7. Grunt and strain really loudly for 30 seconds and then drop an orange into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Then sigh relaxingly.

8. Say: "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say: "Hummus!... reminds me of hummus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling: "Whoa! Easy big fella!"

11. Say: "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and flip the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say: "Whoops! Could you kick that back over here please?"

13. Say imploringly: "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me now."

14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the leftover fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.

15. Say loudly: "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."

16. Say: "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

17. Play the drum solo from "Wipeout" over and over again on your butt cheeks.

18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressing Serial Killers' Anonymous" newsletter on the floor in full sight of the adjacent stall.

19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say: "Peek-a-boo!"

20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor in the stall and sing "Born Free".

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Cluin
Date: 17 Apr 04 - 03:12 AM

From Español 101:

Este era un señor que era muy pedorro. Cada noche, antes de acostarse, se metía al baño y allí se echaba una sarta de pedos tronados y bien ruidosos:

(There was this man who blew lots of farts. Every night before he hit the sack, he'd go to the bathroom, and there blow and blow the loudest string of huge noisy smelly farts:)

-¡FRAAAAAAA-AP! ¡FRAAA-AAA-AAA-AAA-AAAP!¡FRAAA-AAAAAAAAAPRRRRRTLTFFFFFF!

(Spanish fart noises)

Después de escuchar semejante "concierto", su esposa siempre le decía:

(After hearing this seminal "concert" his wife would always say:)

-¡Desgraciado...! ¡Un día de estos se te van a salir las tripas....!

("You are a disgrace!!! One of these days you are going to blow the guts right out of your ass!!")

Un buen día, su esposa decidió jugarle una broma. Compró diez kilos de tripas de cerdo y, antes de que su marido entrara en el baño, las colocó a un lado del excusado. El marido entró y, como de costumbre, empezó a hacer ruidos extraños:

(One fine day, his wife decided to play a joke on him. She bought 10 kilos of pig tripe at the supermarket, and before he went to the bathroom at night she tossed them in the toilet. Her husband, like usual, began making rude strange noises:)

-¡FRAAAAAAA-AP! ¡FRAAA-AAA-AAA-AAA-AAAP!¡FRAAAAA..!   
¡...! ¡AAAAAAAAAAARGH...!

(more Spanish fart noises... and a manly Spanish scream!)

Y después de eso, un silencio sepulcral.

(And after, that, a long deathly silence)

La esposa, al principio, se rio a carcajadas. Pero, al ver que su esposo no salía del baño, comenzó a preocuparse. Por fin, un rato después, se atrevió a asomarse dentro del baño. Su marido estaba sentado, recargado en la pared, y con la cara verdosa.

(His wife at first began to laugh her ass off. But, after seeing her husband didn't leave the bathroom, she began to worry. At last, a little while later, she began to peer into the bathroom. Her hubby was sitting, leaning back against the wall, with a greenish tint to his face.)

-¡Viejo...! ¿Qué te pasó...? -Le dijo, preocupada-.

("Old Man! What happened?" she said, worriedly.)

-¡Nada vieja! Que, tal como tú me decías, se me salieron las tripas. Pero con la ayuda de Dios, y este dedito..... ya está todo en su lugar otra vez.-

("Nothing, old lady! But like you said, my guts finally blew out my ass! But with the grace of God and this little finger, I got them all back in.")



Oh well... perhaps it loses something in the translation...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST,harlowpoet
Date: 27 Mar 04 - 03:04 AM

A story to warm your heart!

This is a story about the bond formed between a little girl and a gang of building workers. It's allegedly true and makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for
the human race.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant building plot.One day a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house on the empty plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the big hairy builders (but all with hearts of gold.)more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunchbreaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'. "You must have worked very hard to earn all this" said the bank cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with the men building a big house."

"My goodness gracious," said the cashier, "Will you be working on the house again this week, as well?"

The little girl thought for a moment and said, "I think so. "Provided those cunts at Jewson deliver the fucking bricks on time."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 26 Mar 04 - 09:36 AM

During the bombing of Berlin [a mostly Lutheran area] the children were evacuated to calmer regions. A lot of them went to Bavaria [mostly Catholic] and were cared for at a nunnery. The nuns entertained the cute little heathen with a lot of pious stories all the day, but sometimes there was a change of subject.
So the children were asked: "Now what is this, it's small, brown and jumping from twig to twig?"
A small boy answered: "At home I would say it is a squirrel, but considering all the shop here it must be Dear Little Jesus again!"

Yeah, I know, not too funny, but cf. the post above:
From: Nigel Parsons - PM
Date: 24 Mar 04 - 06:22 AM

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Mar 04 - 09:19 AM

A patient, while recovering in the hospital from a heart attack, was cornered by an over-zealous evangelist.

After listening politely for over a half-hour on how his sins caused his heart attack, and how thankful he should be to have been spared, and how he should repent at once, he was asked if all his sins had flashed before his eyes during the heart attack.

The tired patient responded sarcastically, "Don't be ridiculous, the attack lasted only 6 hours!"