Subject: RE: His worship and the pig
From:
GUEST
Date: 03 Mar 19 - 01:39 PM
Ed,
Now , here's the lyrics that I have
Jake
****************************************************************
The Ballad of Big Cosgrove and the Lady Jane
by Jeff Paton & Dave Boulton (His Worship the Pig)
This ballad was collected in the town of Derby Bolton
But this one's not a Childe ballad, this one's an adult one
So, turn off your Hi-Fi and TV likewise that cursed Nintendo
I will sing a song comprising, mainly filth and innuendo.
Come listen to a stirring tale of passion and of power
There are more than eighty verses and it only lasts an hour - or so!
Concerning Great Lord Wildblood and his lovely Lady Jane
And a man called Big Jack Cosgrove, of great renown and fame.
Now he wasn't called Big Cosgrove 'cos he had the strength of two
He was only four foot eight in height and six stone six wet through
Though small of frame, he held the name because, reputedly
His bright broad sword, wasn't all that hung down by his knee!
It happened thus one Whitsuntide, the sun rose dour and dull.
Big Cosgrove, he rode into town and he was on the pull.
And Lords and Ladies, they came down from boudoir and from battle
To dance, romance and catch perchance a glimpse of Cosgrove's tackle.
Lord Randal and Lord Ingram came, Lord Wildblood and his missus
Lord Loval and Lord Bateman's wives were trading show-biz kisses
But it seems Big Cosgrove was delayed or might not show at all
And the crowd all cried "Eee, Jack, you're late!", but that was premature
For he burst into the party and he raised an awful cry.
For his armour bright was much too tight and pinched twixt groin and thigh
And there was music on the stairs and the strains of stirring song
As Big Cosgrove strode a tiny giant thru that milling throng
And it fell out on that holiday as it oft times had before
But he quickly put it away again and hoped nobody saw
And he strode up to the lady Jane, saying, "Lady, are you dancing?"
She said, "Kind sir, if you're asking, then Yea verrily I'm dancing"
So he took her by the lily white hand with fingers long and small
'Cos the other hand was short and fat and just not nice at all
He clutched her to his breastplate till she chastised him and implored
"Why Sir, you're weapon doth provoke me", he said "Nay lass, that's my sword"
He joined her in a swift quadrille both rigorous and rough
With lusty looks she struts her funky, medieval stuff
And breathlessly she whispers in the dance's dying seconds
"Why Sir, your sword doth still provoke me", he said "Nay lass, that's my weapon"
Well the hall was decked that eventide with horns and brazen trumpets
But he wasn't there for music but to see the brazen strumpets
And some went down in velveteen and some went down in lace
And when Lady Jane went down it put a smile on Cosgrove's face
He arranged to meet her later in a secret lover's tryst
Well, Jane turned up a half hour late and Jack turned up half pissed
At the height of passion Lady Jane said "I hear someone coming"
But Jack said "It isn't me, love, it must just be the plumbing"
But her husband burst into the room exuding might and main
And said, "You've kissed my wedded wife, you cad, you knave, you swain!"
Jack said, "I will deny that charge in front of a solicitor"
"In fact about the only thing I have not done is kiss her!"
Lord Wildblood said, "I have two swords, to cut through flesh and bone"
"And I shall take the best of them and you can get your own!"
And the very first blow that Cosgrove struck just nicked Lord Wildblood's neck
And the very first blow that Wildblood struck laid Cosgrove on the deck
Jane pulled away from Wildblood and she ran to Cosgrove's side
She placed her naked nubile form before his fading eyes
Miraculous effects occurred but not quite the ones desired
For he was laid out and bolt upright at the moment he expired
And it came to pass Big Cosgrove, he went to his god unbidden
Well they bought a lovely coffin but they couldn't get the lid on
So they had the box extended but it made the strangest scene
For it looked like they were burying a wooden submarine!
So Big Cosgrove he was buried in Ye Olde Robin Hoode
But the grave it wasn't deep enough the way it had been dug
But they buried Cosgrove anyway and rather than dig more
They left him with his periscope protruding thru the floor
And people would trip over it when going to the bar
They spilt their drinks and skinned their knees, they complained, they cursed, they swore
"You could do yourself an injury" is what they all would say
"So, why don't you saw it off and throw the bloody thing away?"
But the landlord would not do that for he'd promised Lady Jane
That Cosgrove had a resting place where'ere he could remain
So instead he nailed a seat on top, the sentimental fool
And when Lady Jane is in the mood
You'll find her in the Robin Hood
Still dressed all in her mourning lace
With a look of pleasure on her face
Still sitting in her favourite place
On Big Jack Cosgrove's stool!!
**********************************************
|
sj
