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BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly

GUEST,Corridus 18 Jan 04 - 02:08 PM
Peace 18 Jan 04 - 02:15 PM
wysiwyg 18 Jan 04 - 02:25 PM
Metchosin 18 Jan 04 - 04:06 PM
swampy-the-spark 18 Jan 04 - 04:23 PM
Ebbie 18 Jan 04 - 04:39 PM
Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull 18 Jan 04 - 05:17 PM
MMario 18 Jan 04 - 05:38 PM
Peace 18 Jan 04 - 05:58 PM
Peace 18 Jan 04 - 06:32 PM
Metchosin 18 Jan 04 - 08:24 PM
Peace 18 Jan 04 - 08:29 PM
Metchosin 18 Jan 04 - 08:35 PM
Peace 18 Jan 04 - 09:01 PM
SueB 19 Jan 04 - 12:19 AM
GUEST,Corridus 19 Jan 04 - 03:22 PM
smallpiper 19 Jan 04 - 03:48 PM
Charley Noble 19 Jan 04 - 06:05 PM
Chief Chaos 20 Jan 04 - 02:46 PM
GUEST,MMario 20 Jan 04 - 03:08 PM
Little Hawk 20 Jan 04 - 06:30 PM
GUEST,Puffball the Cat 21 Jan 04 - 12:12 AM
LadyJean 21 Jan 04 - 12:19 AM
GUEST,Acme Furnace Repair Service 21 Jan 04 - 12:19 AM
GUEST,Corridus 21 Jan 04 - 01:31 PM
GUEST,MMario 21 Jan 04 - 01:48 PM
GUEST,Corridus 21 Jan 04 - 02:32 PM
Amos 21 Jan 04 - 03:42 PM
GUEST,Corridus 21 Jan 04 - 04:19 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 21 Jan 04 - 05:20 PM
Charley Noble 21 Jan 04 - 08:22 PM
Chief Chaos 21 Jan 04 - 09:47 PM
Little Hawk 21 Jan 04 - 10:02 PM
SueB 22 Jan 04 - 01:36 AM
Charley Noble 22 Jan 04 - 09:08 AM
Chief Chaos 22 Jan 04 - 09:24 AM
Charley Noble 22 Jan 04 - 09:31 AM
GUEST,MMario 22 Jan 04 - 09:44 AM
Little Hawk 22 Jan 04 - 10:49 AM
GUEST,MMario 22 Jan 04 - 11:00 AM
Amos 22 Jan 04 - 11:51 AM
Zany Mouse 22 Jan 04 - 12:27 PM
Chief Chaos 22 Jan 04 - 12:35 PM
Charley Noble 22 Jan 04 - 01:26 PM
GUEST,Corridus 22 Jan 04 - 06:19 PM
GUEST,Ballpien Hammer on the workbench 22 Jan 04 - 07:58 PM
Little Hawk 22 Jan 04 - 08:51 PM
Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull 23 Jan 04 - 03:18 AM
Little Hawk 23 Jan 04 - 10:48 AM
lady penelope 23 Jan 04 - 09:41 PM
Liz the Squeak 23 Jan 04 - 09:54 PM
GUEST,notverybright 24 Jan 04 - 03:52 AM
MMario 24 Jan 04 - 02:40 PM
GUEST,Hamster 24 Jan 04 - 04:37 PM
GUEST,Corridus 24 Jan 04 - 05:38 PM
Charley Noble 24 Jan 04 - 06:30 PM
Chief Chaos 24 Jan 04 - 06:44 PM
Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull 25 Jan 04 - 01:19 AM
GUEST,Corridus 25 Jan 04 - 12:59 PM
Cluin 25 Jan 04 - 03:32 PM
GUEST,Corridus 26 Jan 04 - 01:54 PM
Chief Chaos 26 Jan 04 - 04:18 PM
Thomas the Rhymer 26 Jan 04 - 06:58 PM
Chief Chaos 26 Jan 04 - 11:30 PM
GUEST,Corridus 26 Jan 04 - 11:58 PM
Charley Noble 27 Jan 04 - 08:17 AM
Thomas the Rhymer 27 Jan 04 - 11:55 AM
GUEST 28 Jan 04 - 11:23 AM
Tracey Dragonsfriend 29 Jan 04 - 02:05 PM
Little Hawk 29 Jan 04 - 03:23 PM
GUEST,Corridus 29 Jan 04 - 05:20 PM
GUEST,Corridus 31 Jan 04 - 11:32 AM
JudyB 02 Feb 04 - 08:31 PM
GUEST,anxious 02 Feb 04 - 09:03 PM
Chief Chaos 02 Feb 04 - 10:47 PM
GUEST,corrigo 02 Feb 04 - 10:58 PM
GUEST,Corridus 03 Feb 04 - 12:10 AM
Shanghaiceltic 03 Feb 04 - 05:59 AM
Charley Noble 03 Feb 04 - 08:49 AM
GUEST,Guest 03 Feb 04 - 05:35 PM
GUEST,Corridus 03 Feb 04 - 07:23 PM
Charley Noble 03 Feb 04 - 08:42 PM
Little Hawk 03 Feb 04 - 09:40 PM
Chief Chaos 03 Feb 04 - 09:47 PM
Little Hawk 04 Feb 04 - 12:58 AM
SueB 04 Feb 04 - 02:12 AM
Charley Noble 04 Feb 04 - 09:53 AM
GUEST,MMario 04 Feb 04 - 10:05 AM
Little Hawk 04 Feb 04 - 02:57 PM
Celtaddict 04 Feb 04 - 09:22 PM
Thomas the Rhymer 04 Feb 04 - 11:57 PM
GUEST,Corridus 05 Feb 04 - 12:20 AM
Thomas the Rhymer 05 Feb 04 - 12:32 AM
GUEST,pdc 05 Feb 04 - 03:49 PM
GUEST,MMario 05 Feb 04 - 04:02 PM
GUEST,Corridus 06 Feb 04 - 12:58 PM
SueB 06 Feb 04 - 01:37 PM
Charley Noble 06 Feb 04 - 05:48 PM
GUEST,pdc 06 Feb 04 - 08:33 PM
Chief Chaos 06 Feb 04 - 11:50 PM
Charley Noble 07 Feb 04 - 11:04 AM
GUEST,Corridus 07 Feb 04 - 10:17 PM
GUEST,Corridus 10 Feb 04 - 11:52 AM
SueB 10 Feb 04 - 12:13 PM
Chief Chaos 10 Feb 04 - 10:00 PM
Charley Noble 11 Feb 04 - 09:47 AM
Charley Noble 11 Feb 04 - 09:49 AM
gnomad 13 Feb 04 - 09:49 AM
Chief Chaos 13 Feb 04 - 12:48 PM
Charley Noble 13 Feb 04 - 02:58 PM
Chief Chaos 13 Feb 04 - 03:05 PM
GUEST,Corridus 13 Feb 04 - 06:01 PM
GUEST 13 Feb 04 - 06:05 PM
Chief Chaos 14 Feb 04 - 11:09 PM
Charley Noble 15 Feb 04 - 10:18 AM
JudyB 18 Feb 04 - 05:34 PM
MMario 18 Feb 04 - 07:34 PM
Charley Noble 19 Feb 04 - 09:15 AM
GUEST,Buffy the Hamster Slayer 19 Feb 04 - 09:22 AM
GUEST,Corridus 19 Feb 04 - 11:47 AM
Charley Noble 27 Feb 04 - 07:40 PM
JudyB 27 Feb 04 - 07:55 PM
MMario 27 Feb 04 - 10:13 PM
Charley Noble 28 Feb 04 - 12:03 PM
GUEST,Corridus 28 Feb 04 - 01:06 PM
Chief Chaos 28 Feb 04 - 11:23 PM
SueB 03 Mar 04 - 12:28 AM
Charley Noble 03 Mar 04 - 11:44 AM
SueB 03 Mar 04 - 12:10 PM
Chief Chaos 03 Mar 04 - 01:49 PM
GUEST,Corridus 04 Mar 04 - 11:30 AM
GUEST 04 Mar 04 - 11:43 AM
GUEST,Corridus 04 Mar 04 - 04:12 PM
Chief Chaos 05 Mar 04 - 10:08 AM
Charley Noble 05 Mar 04 - 10:36 AM
JudyB 23 Mar 04 - 11:08 AM
GUEST,Corridus 23 Mar 04 - 12:13 PM
GUEST,MMario 23 Mar 04 - 12:20 PM
Charley Noble 23 Mar 04 - 03:36 PM
GUEST,Corridus 04 Apr 04 - 12:50 PM
Charley Noble 04 Apr 04 - 02:30 PM
MMario 04 Apr 04 - 03:31 PM
Chief Chaos 04 Apr 04 - 06:08 PM
pyewacket 17 Apr 04 - 11:52 AM
GUEST,Corridus 17 Apr 04 - 03:15 PM
Charley Noble 18 Apr 04 - 10:23 AM
MMario 18 Apr 04 - 09:28 PM
Chief Chaos 19 Apr 04 - 12:02 AM
GUEST,Corridus 19 Apr 04 - 11:43 AM
SueB 19 Apr 04 - 01:40 PM
GUEST,MMario 19 Apr 04 - 02:02 PM
Chief Chaos 19 Apr 04 - 03:55 PM
SueB 20 Apr 04 - 01:54 AM
Charley Noble 20 Apr 04 - 08:49 AM
GUEST,Corridus 20 Apr 04 - 10:15 PM
MMario 20 Apr 04 - 10:26 PM
GUEST,Corridus 06 May 04 - 12:12 AM
Charley Noble 06 May 04 - 08:49 AM
GUEST,MMario 06 May 04 - 08:53 AM
Chief Chaos 06 May 04 - 03:43 PM
GUEST 06 May 04 - 03:46 PM
GUEST,Corridus 06 May 04 - 04:18 PM
GUEST 06 May 04 - 06:31 PM
GUEST,Corridus 06 May 04 - 11:06 PM
GUEST,Corridus 07 May 04 - 12:13 AM
Charley Noble 07 May 04 - 08:12 AM
GUEST,Corridus 08 May 04 - 12:07 AM
MMario 08 May 04 - 06:40 PM
Chief Chaos 08 May 04 - 07:55 PM
GUEST,Corridus 08 May 04 - 08:23 PM
GUEST,Corridus 09 May 04 - 09:22 PM
GUEST,Corridus 11 May 04 - 11:45 AM
GUEST,dido 11 May 04 - 11:53 AM
GUEST,Corridus 11 May 04 - 12:37 PM
GUEST,The Crumblin - Intelligence Section 11 May 04 - 10:41 PM
Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull 12 May 04 - 09:36 PM
GUEST,MMario 13 May 04 - 08:15 AM
GUEST,Corridus 13 May 04 - 05:30 PM
GUEST,earthling 13 May 04 - 06:26 PM
Dave the Gnome 20 May 04 - 12:53 PM
Charley Noble 20 May 04 - 08:21 PM
JudyB 15 Jun 04 - 09:06 PM
JudyB 26 Jun 04 - 10:19 PM
Charley Noble 27 Jun 04 - 10:54 AM
GUEST,MMario 29 Jun 04 - 08:31 AM
GUEST,Freddy the White Rat 29 Jun 04 - 04:27 PM
Charley Noble 29 Jun 04 - 04:50 PM
JudyB 29 Jun 04 - 09:26 PM
GUEST,Corridus 30 Jun 04 - 10:50 AM
GUEST,MMario 01 Jul 04 - 09:34 AM
Charley Noble 02 Jul 04 - 09:47 AM
GUEST,MMario 02 Jul 04 - 10:05 AM
GUEST,Corridus 02 Jul 04 - 12:04 PM
JudyB 08 Jul 04 - 12:02 PM
GUEST,MMario 08 Jul 04 - 12:05 PM
JudyB 28 Jul 04 - 03:53 PM
GUEST 28 Jul 04 - 04:04 PM
JudyB 31 Jul 04 - 03:54 PM
DougR 01 Aug 04 - 01:47 PM
Charley Noble 01 Aug 04 - 08:09 PM
DougR 01 Aug 04 - 09:02 PM
GUEST,Corridus 01 Aug 04 - 09:25 PM
GUEST,Corridus 02 Aug 04 - 12:30 AM
JudyB 02 Aug 04 - 09:41 AM
Charley Noble 02 Aug 04 - 11:37 AM
MMario 05 Aug 04 - 02:12 PM
GUEST,Corridus 05 Aug 04 - 10:44 PM
GUEST 06 Aug 04 - 08:43 AM
JudyB 06 Aug 04 - 01:21 PM
GUEST,Harriet Foxe 27 Aug 04 - 11:19 AM
GUEST,Corridus 27 Aug 04 - 11:32 AM
GUEST,Chief Chaos 27 Aug 04 - 01:40 PM
Charley Noble 28 Aug 04 - 01:12 PM
JudyB 06 Oct 04 - 08:32 PM
GUEST 07 Oct 04 - 01:30 PM
GUEST,Corridus's Secret Christmas Hamster 10 Nov 04 - 11:07 AM
JudyB 10 Nov 04 - 11:45 AM
Cluin 10 Nov 04 - 02:48 PM
Little Hawk 11 Nov 04 - 01:29 AM
Charley Noble 11 Nov 04 - 02:15 PM
GUEST,Corridus 12 Nov 04 - 12:36 PM
Cluin 13 Nov 04 - 03:12 AM
GUEST,hamsterettes 31 Mar 05 - 11:21 AM
Charley Noble 31 Mar 05 - 01:03 PM
JudyB 07 Apr 05 - 09:30 PM
GUEST,Corridus 07 Apr 05 - 10:14 PM
Charley Noble 08 Apr 05 - 08:37 AM
GUEST,MMario 08 Apr 05 - 09:09 AM
GUEST,Corridus 19 May 06 - 03:30 PM
MMario 19 May 06 - 03:37 PM
GUEST,Corridus 19 May 06 - 08:46 PM
JudyB 23 May 06 - 02:50 PM
Charley Noble 23 May 06 - 08:52 PM

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Subject: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Corridus
Date: 18 Jan 04 - 02:08 PM

Day 350: I am still stuck in this hellhole. The Enormous One put more food in last night...as usual. There is now enough stored food in here to last, I calculate, three and one-half hamster lifetimes. I am getting overweight, because there is nothing to do but eat, sleep, and run on The Wheel. At first I thought The Wheel was a magic portal out to The World At Large, but I was bitterly disappointed. I thought that if I ran fast enough to reach light speed I would be transported by The Wheel into another dimension...a place of unlimited freedom and verdant meadows filled with growing things.

No such luck. No matter how fast I ran, nothing changed. I still run on The Wheel from time to time, but I expect nothing from it. My hopes are dead. I only do it to get revenge on the Enormous One at night, because the huge brute sleeps after dark. (A very unnatural habit!) And The Wheel squeaks! This drives him to distraction, and it provides me with a satisfying retaliation for the daily racket he makes that drives me mad while I am trying to sleep.

The Smaller Monster has ceased bothering me since I bit his paw severely, but he pesters me now and then by poking me with a straw when I am attempting to sleep. If I ever get out I will track him down and exact a terrible revenge, before escaping forever from The Castle.

The bars appear to be as impregnable as over, but attacking them gives me something to focus on. I have removed most of the paint from the lower ones, but they are made out of a very hard, shiny substance that I cannot seem to bite into.

If I didn't know better, I would think this was some terrible nightmare, but it is all too real.

I am trapped and alone.

It's Day 350 and my life is at least 1/3 over.

I have a plan. On Day 351 I shall make a break for freedom when the Enormous One opens the door to put in more food. It will require speed and perfect timing.

I am ready to succeed or die in this attempt. It's him or me this time.

Corridus


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Peace
Date: 18 Jan 04 - 02:15 PM

Oh, yeah, YOU are gonna fit right in!


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: wysiwyg
Date: 18 Jan 04 - 02:25 PM

:~)

Day 350: The lone hamster appears to be adjusting well to the environment; we are ready to begin Protocol WIFM within the next few days. We will introduce the first variable tomorrow.

~S~


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Metchosin
Date: 18 Jan 04 - 04:06 PM

perhaps a song while you assert your rights? How about Rodent Revolt by Mock Turtle Soup

I-eee want to go out si-eede
I want to drink real water
I want to eat real food

A favourite of my offspring a few years back.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: swampy-the-spark
Date: 18 Jan 04 - 04:23 PM

squeek squeek wheek, Squeekly squeek,.

SQUEEK'Y Squeek

(c) 2003


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Ebbie
Date: 18 Jan 04 - 04:39 PM

Where's jOhn from Hull? He would benefit from a look into another culture. :)


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 18 Jan 04 - 05:17 PM


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: MMario
Date: 18 Jan 04 - 05:38 PM

what a cliff-hanger. Incredible suspense, drama, pathos! I can't wait for the next installment. this will be a bigger best-seller then even Chongo the chimp!


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Peace
Date: 18 Jan 04 - 05:58 PM

Ten to one says Chongo eats the hampster before today is done.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Peace
Date: 18 Jan 04 - 06:32 PM

I just bumped off the hampster on the Chongo thread. I feel bad using the site for personal reasons, but I grew up in Montreal and New York. I had offered ten to one, and I'm broke. I didn't want to dream tonight about my poor person ending up in the trunk of a car and getting a vertical trip down the river. Gawd-damned hampster.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Metchosin
Date: 18 Jan 04 - 08:24 PM

Dear hamster, instead of running on the wheel, have you ever thought of running for office This could be a good start and who knows....perhaps the ruler of the world could be next .


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Peace
Date: 18 Jan 04 - 08:29 PM

Jaysus, I can't believe I've been misspelling the friggin' rodent's name. The shame.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Metchosin
Date: 18 Jan 04 - 08:35 PM

Ah gee brucie, don't sweat it, I'm sure there are those among us who couldn't have correctly spelled Eisenhauer, Rosovelt or even Creten for that matter.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Peace
Date: 18 Jan 04 - 09:01 PM

Wright ewe are. Thank ewe.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: SueB
Date: 19 Jan 04 - 12:19 AM

Corridus, does he make it out? What happens then? Does he find he can't hack it in the 'real' world and desperately scrabble his tiny little toenails to bleeding stumps in a tragic and futile effort to regain his safe haven, only to be found belly-up the next morning outside his 'prison' by his bewildered 'captor', who finds the following words scrawled in blood on the clear plexiglass - "I was wrong..."

Or maybe he just heads on down to the Krispy Kreme.

Maybe he heads on down to the Krispy Kreme and meets up with the aliens, who recruit him for dangerous but heroic missions exploring The Dark Orifice...


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Corridus
Date: 19 Jan 04 - 03:22 PM

Day 351: The die is cast! I made my break this morning, at an ungodly hour, but that's when the Monsters choose to get up...in broad daylight. The Enormous One came as usual to dump a half ton of food in my cage. He was a bit dopey (what else is new?) because he hadn't been up for long. So much the better. I was ready for action. As he opened the cage door I sprang onto his hideous paw and scrambled down his disgusting pink arm. He uttered a surprised bellow and reared back as I ran deeper inside the cloth covering these creatures swaddle themselves in. He also spilled about a year's supply of food all over the floor. I heard it go. I will come back for it after dark, because I am going to need an emergency supply for later.

How can I possibly describe the chaotic events which followed? Well, I'll try. As I burrowed farther down the tube-like shroud around his apparently endless arm he leaped around, yelling obscenities in a thundering voice. Well, I assume they were obscenities, at any rate, from the tone of them. He made a series of clumsy grabs with his free paw, but I evaded them. I suddenly reached an enormous expanse of reeking flesh which I can only assume was his back, as he continued to yell and crash around. It was extremely disorienting.

Then he got an idea, it seems, and began to rip off his upper coverings to expose me. I had to move fast. I headed down, and found myself among his lower coverings. The stench of him was growing even worse, but I gritted my teeth and struggled on. At this point he shoved an immense, grasping paw in after me and almost had me, but I saw it coming, and dodged. I then delivered a nasty bite to the nearest part of him I could find...a huge tubelike appendange flanked by two baglike, hairy masses. The atrocious shriek he uttered when I did this nearly short-circuited every nerve in my system. It was like hearing the world explode.

Evidently I had discovered a vital spot, because he completely lost his balance at this point, and fell down what I think must have been a flight of stairs. It was horrific, like going through an avalanche combined with an earthquake. The instant he came to rest I scrambled out an opening and found myself on a large flat expanse of coloured squares. I made a beeline for the corner, where I might take refuge under an immense white, square thing.

The Enormous One was back on his feet in an instant, and pursued me, yelling dire threats. I scrambled under the white thing, and found myself engulfed in a filthy mass of dust, hair, and God knows what else that was coverning the floor. I almost gagged, but pressed on. There had to be a way out.

The Enormous One continued bellowing, and then siezed upon the white thing and began dragging it by main force away from the wall. I ran back under it. He dragged it farther yet, and I followed. Then I suddenly spotted an aperture in the floor...some kind of dusty tunnel, sheathed in more of the hard, shiny stuff. I plunged into the welcoming darkness within, fell down a steep incline and landed on a pile of debris at the bottom.

At this point there arose a hideous crash from above. Evidently the Enormous One had turned the white thing over completely in his efforts to get at me. And that was not all. The She-Monster was now in the picture, screaming at the Enormous One. It sounded like they were having a quarrel to me, which is not all that unusual, but this time it was bad.

I siezed the opportunity to slip away down the tunnel, which proved to be very long indeed, and full of dust and dead insects. At some length I found myself peering out of a sort of paneled peephole with long slits in it...at another cavernous room in the Castle. I had never seen this room before. It was full of the usual incomprehensible lot of stuff. Monsters like collecting junk and surrounding themselves with it. When they finally die, other Monsters come and haul the junk away. That's what I've heard, anyway.

As I write this, I am stopping for a much-needed breather. It is clear that these tunnels form some sort of system of secret passageways which lead all over the Castle, and I am going to explore them thoroughly. Then I will go back and get some food when the coast is clear. And water. I will need water. Sooner or later the Monsters will sleep, and that's when I make my move.

Corridus


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: smallpiper
Date: 19 Jan 04 - 03:48 PM

My Hero!


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Charley Noble
Date: 19 Jan 04 - 06:05 PM

Good stuff but watch out for the cat! They all don't believe in "catch and release."

Charley Noble


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Chief Chaos
Date: 20 Jan 04 - 02:46 PM

Test subject one escaped this morning. Professor Hannity was very cross with me. Not only did I let the subject get away but I damaged some expensive equipment trying to get it back. It doesn't matter that the damn thing bit me on my penis (note to self: get tetanus shot!) and that I fell down a flight of stairs nearly breaking my frickin' skull. I told her to get a better feeding system than that! I think he ended up in the air vents. I hope they researched this building a little better than I think they did otherwise there's going to be a hell of a stink if he gets outside. Meanwhile I'll keep searching for him, that and watching for hair and teeth growth, okay I know "spiderman" isn't real but I feel a little more rodent like with each passing moment.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 20 Jan 04 - 03:08 PM

it looks like Hamsters are escaping all over the place!

see the january 15th entry at this site


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Little Hawk
Date: 20 Jan 04 - 06:30 PM

New York (AP)

Officials have confirmed that a rodent known as 'Hammy' escaped this evening from a minimum-security facility in Manhattan. Probationary agents, who reportedly were seeking to obtain Hammy's cooperation in an investigation of what happens when a hamster is allowed free run of a Brio train set, lost sight of the furry felon when he ducked under a radiator cover. Senior officials who do not care if they are named, missy, have confirmed that their subordinates' actions in removing Hammy from his usual place of confinement and transporting him across the apartment without authorization will result in severe disciplinary proceedings such as not reading a chapter of Little House on the Prairie tonight and maybe even tomorrow night.

A high-level administration official was called away from reading knitting blogs and talking on the telephone to personally oversee the stakeout of Hammy's hideout. After a special operations unit removed the radiator cover, the crime scene was strewn with sunflower seeds, and agents settled in with flashlights and low-calorie beers for a long night.

Authorities credit the eventual capture of Hammy, who had eluded a cardboard roadblock set up outside the radiator and holed up in a nearby closet containing men's shoes and neckties going back to the mid-80s, to information provided by an anonymous informant.

Note: This is evidently a different hamster. It's not Corridus. However, some of the details of this case are very intriguing!


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Puffball the Cat
Date: 21 Jan 04 - 12:12 AM

MEEOW! Hurrah! The small creature "escaped" this morning! It was exciting! The big white box where the humans keep my milk got turned over. The creature's under the floor somewhere. I can hear it. I've looked and looked and can't find any openings big enough for a cat to crawl through, but that's okay. I'm a cat. I'm patient. The creature can't stay down there forever. Just wait until it shows its face.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: LadyJean
Date: 21 Jan 04 - 12:19 AM

Thanks for the great knitting blog!


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Acme Furnace Repair Service
Date: 21 Jan 04 - 12:19 AM

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Jones,

We apologize for the delay in getting your repair work done. We've been swamped due to this nasty cold snap we've been having. Anyway, we have replaced the thermostat on your central heating system and it seems to be working just fine other than that we smelled burning hair when we tested it. Did someone drop hair down one of the registers or something?

Thanks for using Acme Furnace Repair Service.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Corridus
Date: 21 Jan 04 - 01:31 PM

Day 353: I have had a very narrow escape and am facing great difficulties. Yesterday was so traumatic that I neglected to make my journal entry. I had set out to thoroughly explore the maze of tunnels, all of which were constructed of the smooth, impermiable material I have described before. The tunnels led to various lookout spots facing into vast rooms full of junk, as I had noted before. The Castle has many of these rooms. Imagine my horror when I found the hideous countenance of The Cat staring fixedly back at me through the barred window that covers the tunnel opening!!! I am well acquainted with The Cat. It has had evil intentions towards me ever since I can remember. When we first met it went around and around The Cage, trying to find a way in. I stayed well back from the bars and clicked my teeth as a warning. The Cat pawed viciously at The Cage but could not get in. All the time it watched me fixedly with its huge eyes! Well, after a few days of that The Cat decided to just ignore me, but I know what it was really up to. It was waiting for a golden opportunity to destroy me, whenever it got the chance.

The Cat has now realized that I am free. It intends to hunt me down remorselessly. When I crawled what seemed like a long distance, and peered into another giant room through another barred window, there it was again! Staring at me! This is not good. The Cat has very good hearing and it is following me about on the outside.

Knowing this, I determined to plunge deep into the bowels of the tunnel system, where The Cat could not follow. I went down. Presently I found myself at a steeply inclined portion that led into who knows where. I slid over the edge and consigned my fate to the paws of destiny. There followed a dizzying tumble into the gulf, a bounce, another slide, and I fetched up, shaken but whole at the bottom of another long straigtaway. It was very dusty, and I was growing increasingly thirsty.

As I moved forward I heard strange noises, as of some enormous breathing leviathan straining at its labours, and a hot breeze came flowing down the tunnel. At length I stood before a vertical drop with a torrent of hot air pouring forth from it. As I looked down I saw with horror what could only have been the very FIRES OF HELL raging at the bottom of the shaft!!! Incredible as it seems, The Castle rests upon the Fiery Pit itself!

I scrambled away in haste, fearing the approach of Satan's Imps, who might drag me down, and the hot wind beat at my tender heiny. I stumbled blindly into a tunnel that led to the left and slightly upward, then angled to the right. It ended at another barred window. Through this window I could see a dark and dirty room that was not very large by Monster standards. The Cat was nowhere in sight, and the door was closed.

As I write this, I am pondering my next move. I must escape these tunnels or die. I must find water and food. I have but two choices...either get past one of these window/gratings or go all the way back to the place where I first entered the tunnels. Either choice is difficult. The gratings are very tough. As for the way back, it leads up some vertical shafts, and I doubt that I can climb this shiny stuff well enough to make it.

This may be my final entry if I don't find a way out soon.

Corridus


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 21 Jan 04 - 01:48 PM

NO! corridus *must* find a way to escape and find his way back to the primeaval steppe! Fate couldn't be so cruel as to allow him such an oppurtonity and then snatch it way. That only happens in Real life!


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Corridus
Date: 21 Jan 04 - 02:32 PM

Day 353 - Addendum:

I have found food! After determining that the barred opening into the small dark room was as impermeable as all other such openings and that the room was a dead end, I turned around to make my way back up the tunnel. There, about two feet into the tunnel, sat a small plastic bag which I had not noticed before. I gave it a cautious sniff and then began to gnaw a small hole in it. When I had gained access to the substance inside the bag I cautiously sampled a bit of it and found it to be vegetable matter of a sort that seemed to be edible. It had a fair number of seeds in it which were quite tasty and the rest of it wasn't bad. It wasn't Hartz Mountain, but it was food. For some reason unknown to me some of the food had been separated out and stored in tubes constructed from a variety of the material that The Monsters use to cover the bottom of The Cage.

The food has given me unexpected vigor. In fact, I believe I feel better than I've ever felt before. I think I'll go find The Cat and give it a piece of my mind!

Wait! Light! Someone just turned on a light in the little room! And what's that sound? A scratching noise coming from the bars over the opening! Look! The bars just fell away from the opening! And here comes... Yes! It's a Monster's paw! A Monster paw reaching for the plastic bag with the food in it! Now the paw pulls the bag out of the tunnel and I hear a Monster voice say, "What the hell! Something's got into my stash and eaten about half of it!"

It's now or never! While the Monster is in obvious distress over my having eaten some of its food I make a dash down the tunnel and leap through the opening into the room! Hooray! I'm out of the tunnel!

Corridus


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Amos
Date: 21 Jan 04 - 03:42 PM

Man! Stoned hamsters??? I swan!!


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Corridus
Date: 21 Jan 04 - 04:19 PM

Day 353 - Further addendum:

This has been a stimulating and really quite incredible experience. The foolish Monster whose food I ate was so distracted that it did not see me make my escape from the tunnel. I will try to describe the Monster as best I can. It was tremendously tall, like all Monsters, and had an unkempt appearance. Its cloth coverings were very messy looking, not nearly as neat as those on the Enormous One. It had long, shaggy, dirty blonde hair in what is, I believe, normally called a "mullet" cut, along with a mustache and a few days growth of chin stubble. An astoundingly ugly sight!

As the Monster complained loudly about the missing food a She-Monster came in the room. Not my She-Monster, another one. It was wearing fairly similar cloths, with the knees ripped out of the lower ones, and had even longer hair, but not face hair. She-Monsters don't normally have facial hair. At least, not much.

I was so fascinated with the colors in the room that I just stood there for the next few minutes...or hours...and studied them. I have no idea why. I've never done that before. During those minutes...or hours...the Monsters talked loudly for a while about the missing food. Then they talked about money. Then they decided to go out and get something to eat. Good! In all this time they never noticed me...thank goodness! They appear to be very stupid, these two.

Anyway, they finally left and I finally decided that the colors on the walls were perfect just as they were and I started looking for water. As luck would have it, I found a bird cage with a budgie in it. His name is Toto. I have talked to him a little, and he is a cheerful sort. He let me drink from his water dish, which I could just get my tongue to by putting it between the bars on his cage. I took a good drink and I feel much better even than before, but I'm getting sleepy.

Toto says that these two Monsters don't have the brains of a bird between them, but they are basically harmless...and there is no cat. Bravo! Toto hates cats. We are in absolute agreement on that. He has also no objections if I eat some of his seeds! There's a whole box of them on the floor. Hooray! But now I need a nap. I am going to find a nice, safe place underneath something and sleep for at least 12 hours.

Corridus (zzzzzzz)


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 21 Jan 04 - 05:20 PM

Hah! In a blatant ripoff of Euripides et al, Corridus escapes using the old Deus ex Machina Marijuana!


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Charley Noble
Date: 21 Jan 04 - 08:22 PM

Whew! That was a close one.

Re-baiting breath.

Charley Noble


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Chief Chaos
Date: 21 Jan 04 - 09:47 PM

Okay, now I'm confused, he ate the stash and stared at the wall and only got hungry? Man, my hamsters (who shall remain nameless) always got ferocious munchies! 7-11 and dominoes just loved them. I think they single handedly kept the two in business.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Little Hawk
Date: 21 Jan 04 - 10:02 PM

He's probably in shock, Chief. After all, he's been crawling around inside an air vent system for three or four days with no food and water. It's a wonder he's still alive. Those little guys need their daily provisions to keep going long.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: SueB
Date: 22 Jan 04 - 01:36 AM

If he was thirsty before, just wait 'til he wakes up. I hope he can't get at the stash again, or it might be days, weeks, even months before he decides to move on. I'm curious - I wonder if he has some vague destination in mind - something perhaps suggested by hamster mythology he absorbed with his hamster mother's milk - or if he is completely free of preconceived ideas and is open to where ever fortune takes him. I hope he is not too suggestible (sp?) and that silly bird doesn't fill up his little head with fantastic ideas about some great Endless Field of Sunflowers or other such birdy nonsense.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Charley Noble
Date: 22 Jan 04 - 09:08 AM

If Corridus releases Toto from his cage, we may have a new team of superheros here.

Charley Noble


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Chief Chaos
Date: 22 Jan 04 - 09:24 AM

I see an obituary if he gets near that stash again. Toto is just leading him on. Next time he's stoned out of his little tiny gourd Toto is going to tell him that he can fly if he'd only try. Toto is evil! What's a poor hampster lover to do?


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Charley Noble
Date: 22 Jan 04 - 09:31 AM

Maybe Corridus really isn't a hamster but a flying squirrel. Big people are pretty dumb.

Charley Noble


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 22 Jan 04 - 09:44 AM

I'm sure anything a squirrel can do a hampster can do! Let's not be species bigots now.

after all - there are even *shudder* snakes that can "fly" - surely a clever mammal can do what one of them cold-blooded slytherin thingammies can!


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Little Hawk
Date: 22 Jan 04 - 10:49 AM

Snakes that can fly???


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 22 Jan 04 - 11:00 AM

okay - they glide - but so do "flying" squirrels

flying snakes


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Amos
Date: 22 Jan 04 - 11:51 AM

They fall very gracefully, buit those films (see MM's linka bove) are FASKinatin!

A


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Zany Mouse
Date: 22 Jan 04 - 12:27 PM

Eeeekk-Eeeekk. Can a little mouse tag along?


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Chief Chaos
Date: 22 Jan 04 - 12:35 PM

Totos' also been checking the tv schedule at the bottom of his cage for mighty mouse cartoons. He's got it all planned out I'm tellin' ya!


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Charley Noble
Date: 22 Jan 04 - 01:26 PM

The Rodent Rapid Response Rescue Team is already on its way:Click Here!

But watch out for what's hauling the sleigh!

Cheerily,
Charley Noble


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Corridus
Date: 22 Jan 04 - 06:19 PM

Day 354: So far so good. I slept well. Now I am feeling absolutely ravenous. Good thing there is a lot of birdseed here. The two Monsters came back, but have not noticed me at all. They engaged in some very peculiar behaviour last night. I'm not sure what they were doing, but it went on for quite a while. They also left some peculiar food lying around half-eaten. Pizza, it's called. I tried some. The crust is nice to nibble on, but the filling is too greasy for my taste and way too spicy. I'm surprised they can live eating stuff like that.

The mullet-headed Monster knows about the Enormous One. The Enormous One is called Bill. Mullet-Head doesn't like Bill one bit, because Bill keeps bugging him about money. The She-Monster I will call "No-Knees", because of her ripped jeans (lower coverings) which are missing the knees.

I am going to wait for Mullet-Head and No-Knees to leave and then explore this place from end to end. There is almost nothing that makes a hamster as happy as exploring new territory!

Corridus


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Ballpien Hammer on the workbench
Date: 22 Jan 04 - 07:58 PM

And I wait in patience until I am called into service...


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Little Hawk
Date: 22 Jan 04 - 08:51 PM

Nasssty Baggins!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 23 Jan 04 - 03:18 AM


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Little Hawk
Date: 23 Jan 04 - 10:48 AM

At a loss for words again, jOhn?


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: lady penelope
Date: 23 Jan 04 - 09:41 PM

More, gimme more!




TTFN Lady P.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 23 Jan 04 - 09:54 PM

Whilst he's down there, can he have a look for my two computer mice that I've lost please?

I'll leave some poppy seeds out for him.... he won't be so frantic and the colours are better.

LTS


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,notverybright
Date: 24 Jan 04 - 03:52 AM

OK, I'm confused. Is this a real hampster writing here or someone pretending to be one just for a laugh?


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: MMario
Date: 24 Jan 04 - 02:40 PM

Don't be silly! Hamsters can't write! He dictates his memoirs.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Hamster
Date: 24 Jan 04 - 04:37 PM

He dictates them to me.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Corridus
Date: 24 Jan 04 - 05:38 PM

Day 356: Busy, busy, busy! So much exploring to do. I have covered just about every square millimeter of the floor space and some of the mountains in this place. There's a lot of dust and dirt underneath things. Typical Monster place! I found the odd bit of edible stuff lying around, but nothing to match the birdseed stash or the other stuff I ate. There are hairs around here at least half a mile long. I think they are from No-Knees, but some of them are in different colors, so maybe not. There are shorter wiry, kinky hairs too. Yuck! Mullet-Head and No-Knees have been making the nights hideous with their nocturnal romps, which I am beginning to suspect are a primitive form of mating ritual. They keep burning things too, and making the air smoky. It makes me sneeze, but they don't notice that. I hide under a convenient mountain when they are around and observe their bizarre habits. They spend hours staring blankly at a box which emits a variety of noises, along with flashes of light. Toto says the box is a "TV". I think that may stand for "total vacancy". Whatever it is, it should be destroyed or made to leave, in my opinion. I will have to see if I can find a way to do that. The box has an umbilical cord running to the wall. Perhaps if I sever the cord the box will grow up, assert its independence and walk out of our lives forever. I hope so! Toto actually likes the box because it's noisy and he feels safe when there's a lot of noise...but he agrees with me that the Korn records are really hard to take! Mullet-head plays music on the stereo (another weird box) that could be used to kill livestock, I'm sure. All these boxes are frustrated because they're getting old and no one has severed their umbilical cords yet, and I intend to do something about it as soon as I finish exploring everything.

I have also found a source of fresh water (aside from Toto's water dish). There's a pipe under the bathroom sink that drips steadily. Hooray! Things are basically looking pretty good here.

Corridus


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Charley Noble
Date: 24 Jan 04 - 06:30 PM

A ditty from our sponsor - Acme Plumbing & Heating:

The faucets are dripping in old New York City;
The faucets are dripping and, oh, what a pity;
The reservoir's drying because it's supplying
The faucets that drip in New York.

Cheerily,
Charley Noble


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Chief Chaos
Date: 24 Jan 04 - 06:44 PM

Memo to the Roach's Revolutionary Party

Comrades,
I have discovered the agent behind the dissappearance of the people's food supply. I observed an imperialist hamster greedily drinking from the people's water supply under the sink. I believe he may be a capitalist spy bent on disrupting our great plans for domination of the human pigs who inhabit our glorious motherland! He seems to be spending some time examining the power supplies to our human control devices. We may need to step in and deal with him most violently. If he is not stopped the great revolution may fail!


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 25 Jan 04 - 01:19 AM


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Corridus
Date: 25 Jan 04 - 12:59 PM

Day 357 - Busy, busy, busy! Have been exploring the mountainous regions. There are a lot of things hidden in the crevices, along with the usual dust and dirt. I have found some of those hard, shiny disks that the Monsters use to buy things. It's called "money", and is plainly of no worth at all. You can't eat it, and it's no good for building a nest either. Found a toothpick, and it was fun to chew on. Found more birdseed and took it back to my stash. I am now well supplied. Mullet-Head and No-Knees have gone out to see a "movie". These monsters love sitting around idly and staring at things. Mullet-Head has also discovered a new local band which he is crazy about. They are called "Kid Moronic and the Useless F**kers" and they are the worst noise I have EVER heard in my life. Even worse than Korn. The stereo has GOT to go!!! I don't care what Toto says. I am going to take action. I'll wait until it's asleep and sever its umbilical cord. I don't think it's asleep now, because I can see one of its little green eyes shining right at me. I will wait.

Toto has the habit of chirping and carrying on very loudly at the crack of dawn. He goes on for a couple of hours, then takes a rest. Then he has another gabfest in mid-morning, and so on through the day. He talks and talks and talks, but doesn't really have a lot to say. At first it bothered me, but now I'm getting used to it. It's a natural sound (unlike Kid Moronic and his cohorts), and it means there is no danger around. If there were danger, Toto wouldn't make a peep. That's how it is with birds. Well, budgies, anyway. When they're scared they clam up. This makes them good guards for warning about things like cats. If you hear a sudden silence, you know something is wrong. A cat appeared at the window the other day and Toto got so quiet you could have heard it all the way to Africa, I bet! Well, the cat went away after awhile, and Toto gave a cautious peep or two. Nothing happened. Then he started right up again, raving on about the weather, what a pretty bird he is, nice day isn't it, I'm great how are you, I'm still here and all's well, and all that sort of thing. He's seldom at a loss for words.

Corridus


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Cluin
Date: 25 Jan 04 - 03:32 PM

Three posts by jOhn from Hull in this thread with nothing in them. Hamster got your tongue, jOhn?


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Corridus
Date: 26 Jan 04 - 01:54 PM

Day 358: The Enormous One came here last night! He's as ugly as ever. It happened around 2:30 AM. Mullet-Head had been playing very loud music from that new band, Kid Moronic and the Useless F**kers...and I had been trying to ignore it whilst cleaning my fur under the "couch"....that's what they call one of the mountains here. The Couch. Well, the walls were literally shaking it was so loud. No-Knees and Mullet-Head were sitting around smoking and drinking that detestable bitter stuff that's all bubbly (it's called "beer") and simultaneously watching the Total Vacancy (TV) while also listening to Kid Moronic froth and screech. Mullet-Head came home earlier with a new T-shirt that he's very proud of. It says, "I'm A Useless F**ker (and Proud Of It!)" in big red letters. It indicates solidarity with the band.

Anyway, there was a loud hammering on the door at 2:30 or thereabouts. Mullet-Head got really paranoid and wouldn't open it, until he found it was only the Enormous One. Then he opened it, but very reluctantly. The Enormous One had a big row with Mullet-Head and No-Knees. He says they are 3 months behind in the rent. I'm not sure what that means. The only rent I have seen around here is the ripped-out knees in No-Knees' jeans. I think it was some other rent they were talking about. The Enormous One is threatening to "evict" them. It means he'll throw them out. He said he would evict then on the spot if they didn't turn the bleeping stereo off RIGHT NOW!!!

It was a nasty scene. The Enormous One finally ripped the umbilical cord of the stereo out of the wall and Kid Moronic and the U.F.'s died in mid-shriek. He said if he heard it again tonight he would come back and throw the stereo out the window. Then he left.

Mullet-Head and No-Knees complained about it for awhile, then they finally went to bed and fell asleep. No romp tonight. They weren't in the mood for it.

Now is my chance. The stereo is totally asleep. It's little eye is vacant and lifeless. I will sever the disconnected cord and thereby force the stereo to grow up, get a life, and seek its destiny in the greater world beyond these walls. Hallellujah!!!

Toto is peacefully sleeping and won't know the difference.

Corridus


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Chief Chaos
Date: 26 Jan 04 - 04:18 PM

I believe the technical term for what John is doing is "bump"
It keeps a worthwhile thread from being thrown off the first page by an owerwhelming number of other (perhaps less worthy) threads.
Usually they will at least write in the word bump though. Correct me if I'm wrong John.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Thomas the Rhymer
Date: 26 Jan 04 - 06:58 PM

Yo Corridus! I don't care what everyone else says about hamsters... you are the coolest guest I've ever had the pleasure of enjoying!

Happy Trails! ...be careful, Corridus...


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Chief Chaos
Date: 26 Jan 04 - 11:30 PM

Corridus, are you male or female?
THe reason I'm asking is that there's a naked mole rat that I know personally and he's looking for a nice single female non-smoking rodent with which to spend time between assignments saving the world.
He goes by the name of Rufus and he's a really cool guy.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Corridus
Date: 26 Jan 04 - 11:58 PM

That's very kind of you, Chief Chaos, but I am male. It wouldn't work out. Also, we hamsters are basically loners. Our idea of courtship is a brief, hectic encounter, often preceded by a fight. This is because female hamsters don't want to seem "easy". Also, they've got lousy tempers. Occasionally one does encounter a female hamster who is inclined to be friendly on first acquaintance, but that's fairly rare. Even in such cases it has to be a brief encounter, because we all prefer to live alone. The only real exception is as regards raising hamlets. The female of course is very loyal to her hamlets until they reach young adulthood. Then they get "the boot", if I may use a modern term.

Your friend Rufus sounds like a nice, idealistic rodent with a strong sense of purpose, and I hope he does well in life. I think you should try a personals column for rodents. There have got to be other naked mole rats out there looking for someone just like Rufus.

I have to report on the latest. I have severed the umbilical cord of the stereo successfully, without arousing any apparent reaction. I expect it will shortly get up and and leave when it wakes up and realizes that it is now free and independent. We'll see. Stereos should not be forced to digest awful stuff like this one has been subjected to in the last couple of days.

And now...off to further busy explorations! Life is good.

Corridus


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Charley Noble
Date: 27 Jan 04 - 08:17 AM

Looks like another guest has found a cyber home planet!

Cheerily,
Charley Noble


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Thomas the Rhymer
Date: 27 Jan 04 - 11:55 AM

Squeek-a-squeeky squeek-a-squeeky squeeky squeek...

Many there are that run in their wheel
Be it in their car, or by sexy appeal
Some even by thrashing, any that better them
Others by dashing to fashions that weather'em


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST
Date: 28 Jan 04 - 11:23 AM


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Tracey Dragonsfriend
Date: 29 Jan 04 - 02:05 PM

Excerpts from the Cat's diary, prior to Corridus's arrival...


DAY 752
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair... must try this on their bed.

DAY 765
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescend ed about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm..... Not working according to plan.

DAY 768
I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odour of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.


DAY 774
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

(via email)


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Little Hawk
Date: 29 Jan 04 - 03:23 PM

Ha! Ha! Ha! LOL! I love it. Man, this is so true to type that it's creepy. Corridus would not enjoy reading it, though, I don't think.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Corridus
Date: 29 Jan 04 - 05:20 PM

Day 361 - Something very strange has happened, and I cannot account for it. The stereo died. I am quite shocked. I can hardly believe that it was my actions that were responsible for its demise, but Mullet-Head has been going berserk about it. He thought the Enormous One did it at first, and went off to fight with him about it, but it didn't do any good. Now he says there are "vermin" in the apartment. He's going to get a mousetrap. I am deeply insulted. I am not vermin nor am I a mouse! His stupid mousetrap doesn't scare me. I laugh in its general direction. I have survived incarceration and assault by Monsters, entrapment in a maze, and the clutches of the fiery pit. What do I have to fear from a mere mousetrap?

What I don't understand is why the stereo died. Could this be a case of SSDS (sudden stereo death syndrome)? I've heard of such things. I had thought I was doing the stereo a big favour cutting the cord, but maybe not. I am not going to take the chance of the same thing happening with the Total Vacancy. Besides, I'm getting sort of used to it now as background noise, and I have the impression that Mullet-Head and No-Knees would go completely mad if they lost the TV as well. They have no idea what to do with their own company, aside from the occasional mating romp, and you can't do that all day.

Mullet-Head has been cut off from his social support, whatever that is, but he says that he is going to score several pounds of "weed" and get rich. I have no idea what he's talking about, but I hope he succeeds. Everyone needs a purpose to carry them forward.

No-Knees is working at the local McDonalds and she hates it. She complains incessantly about it and laughs bitterly at the thought of people actually eating there. Apparently it's a sort of huge hamster dish where people go to consume "fast food". No-Knees says she would rather die than eat their "crap". If it's that bad I don't understand why she doesn't just work somewhere else.

Monsters are weird. They do things they hate all the time. I can't fathom it.

Postscript: I was HORRIFIED to see the diary entries of a CAT(!) appear in this thread. THE CAT, in fact. I know him all too well. He's a vicious beast utterly devoid of conscience. He's a natural born killer, a pitiless engine of destruction. I hope that he and the Enormous One decide to fight it out to the death. Whichever one triumphs, the world will be better off for their demise.

Corridus


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Corridus
Date: 31 Jan 04 - 11:32 AM

Day 363: Have been having adventures with the mousetrap. It's a very odd device indeed. Mullet-Head baited it with cheese, which is supposed to work well on mice, but I don't care much for the stuff. Too smelly. He then put it underneath the bed, not far from where I like to sleep during the daylight hours. I checked it out carefully from all sides, but I couldn't make out what the point of the thing was. I tried touching the very edge of it lightly and jumping back. Nothing happened. My assumption is that you have to go for the cheese before anything happens. Well, it was in the way, so I very carefully pushed it over toward the side of the bed and left it there. When Mullet-Head got up this morning he stepped on it, and it snapped shut on his toes with a frightening whack, but not half so frightening as the awful bellow he uttered when it did. Now I know how it works. Nasty. A truly diabolical device. What sort of sick mind would invent such a thing? Mullet-Head jumped all over the place yelling his favorite word, which rhymes with "cluck" but I don't know what it means, and No-Knees starting laughing so hard that she fell out of bed. I had to laugh too, actually. When Mullet-Head got the mousetrap off he threw it across the room. It's lodged in one of the plants by the window now. I think this may be the end of the mousetrap episode. We'll see.

Mullet-Head has gone out to try and find a free but live stereo receiver somewhere. No-Knees has gone to work. Toto is singing the glories of the day, and I am going to get a nice rest now after a hard night's work patrolling my territory and repositioning the mousetrap.

Corridus


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: JudyB
Date: 02 Feb 04 - 08:31 PM

I'm getting a bit concerned here.... I know you've been working hard, and you deserve a break - but anyone who would listen to "music" such as you describe might resort to something less civilized than a mousetrap. Be careful - and post when you can. We care.

JudyB


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,anxious
Date: 02 Feb 04 - 09:03 PM

MMMmmm it's been a while hasn't it? I have been thinking poison or an accidental entrapment.It's the not knowing that is the worst. I am hoping he is just catching up on his much needed little Hammy ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz's.But it is gettting late and no news is definitely not good news. I can't sleep for worrying. Oh dear.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Chief Chaos
Date: 02 Feb 04 - 10:47 PM

What was that? Did I just hear a burp from Toto's cage? Are those little hampster feet he just coughed up? Corridus where are you?


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,corrigo
Date: 02 Feb 04 - 10:58 PM

Day 392...

The enormous one has finally dropped off to sleep, and I am just waking up. I dreamed of a special world beyond these walls. Confinement in a tubelike netherworld that was in itself a slippery slope to the very Fires of Hadies itself. Whew! The devil's work is danngerous work. He (I guess the devil is male, but I don't know fror sure) almost got me into his lair of eternal fire and damnation. I had may other adventures last night, didn't I? Yawn. Oh my how strange it all was. Mousetraps are nasty mean things, Yuk! Who thinks of these things, that cause death and laughter interchangably. Like that odd couple (downstairs?) Hmm. Seems so real still, like I can even smell that burning smell that Mullet head and No Knees seemed to enjoy so much... and wait! Isn't that the faint sound of that box they wasted half their waking hours in front of? Oh that's creepy. Oh well, whatever. My mountain of food awaits, and I have this wild compulsion to run in my wheel for a long long time. In fact, I am overwhelmed with a renewed vigor and passion for life in general, and right now, I've just got to hit my paces! Life IS Good! Seeya!

Corrigo
Squ ha Sque ha Squee k kee Squeek y Squeeky squeeka Squeeky Squeeka Squeek a Squirkly Squidly Squeek...


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Corridus
Date: 03 Feb 04 - 12:10 AM

Day...um...day...

What day is it anyway? I've lost track. I ate part of one of the plants and everything's been going really, really slow. It's odd. I started sometime last night or...

Um...well...

Have you ever noticed...

No? Didn't think so. I guess...

I've been looking at the pattern on the wall here and it's amazing. I never really noticed before about the swirls in it. Neat colors!

I really thing I couls use a nap. Yes. W#elll...it's been great talking and I think I'll do that.

yes.

Okay, I'll check in again on Day after today whenever that is...LOOK at the size of that SEED?!!! Oooo. Yummies!

Corridus


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Shanghaiceltic
Date: 03 Feb 04 - 05:59 AM

try this Mr Rodent;

http://www.starcarlton.com/Flash/Hamsters_Revenge.htm

or this

http://www.hampsters.co.uk/hampster.htm


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Charley Noble
Date: 03 Feb 04 - 08:49 AM

Shanghaiceltic-

Violence only begets violence.

Have another seed!

Charley Noble


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Guest
Date: 03 Feb 04 - 05:35 PM

Bump!!


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Corridus
Date: 03 Feb 04 - 07:23 PM

Day whatever: I now know why Mullet-Head and No-Knees can't seem to get anything done. It's the plants. I have sworn off them for good. Mullet-Head brought a "hot" stereo home and tried to hook it up, but it didn't work for some reason. He got really mad and yelled and stamped around for awhile. Then he went back out again to "pond" it. I think he's losing it because I checked the stereo and it was room temperature or cooler. Not hot in the least. I don't think immersing it in a pond will help one bit either, cos it's dead. I know what is wrong with Mullet-Head. It's the plants. His brain has turned to mush. I am back on plain birdseed and I feel much better now.

Oddly enough, I sometimes miss The Wheel. It's ironical.

Corridus


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Charley Noble
Date: 03 Feb 04 - 08:42 PM

There is something magical about the wheel. When our mouse Dilbert get especially frustrated, he climbs into the wheel and transports himself to a different universe, or different time. I've noted that sometimes he runs the wheel clockwise and sometimes counterclockwise, and when he does so all the clocks in the house have to be reset...I've noted that sometimes he runs the wheel clockwise and sometimes counterclockwise, and when he does so all the clocks in the house have to be reset...I've noted that sometimes he runs the wheel clockwise and sometimes counterclockwise, and when he does so all the clocks in the house have to be reset...I've noted that sometimes he runs the wheel clockwise and sometimes counterclockwise, and when he does so all the clocks in the house have to be reset...I've noted that sometimes he runs the wheel clockwise and sometimes counterclockwise, and when he does so all the clocks in the house have to be reset...

Damn, he's doing it again!

Charley Noble


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Feb 04 - 09:40 PM

That is really fascinating, Charley! Are you serious? Cos if you are, it fits in with some other stuff I've heard about.

- LH


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Chief Chaos
Date: 03 Feb 04 - 09:47 PM

Charley, he must be visiting my Grandmother. No matter whether it was extremely expensive or cheap she couldn't wear a watch without it deciding to go fast, go backward, anything but keep proper time.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Feb 04 - 12:58 AM

So she had a strong energy field around her. Some people are like that.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: SueB
Date: 04 Feb 04 - 02:12 AM

All right, now, this is what I was worried about. A little THC and that hamster's going nowhere. All that effort to end up in a pile of smelly laundry? That's right, Corridus, I'm glad you're getting off the marijuana, now I hope you'll stay off. The truth about potheads? They're boring. Boring, boring, boring. Sometimes, when the weed's not very good, they don't even get mellow, they just get intensely paranoid. I hate to see a fine young specimen like yourself get trapped in a dead end existence and lose your way and your motivation. Tsk tsk tsk.

Get out of there, Corridus! Get out while you can! And be very very careful what you nibble - stoners like Mullet-Head and No-Knees may occasionally drop hard round tablets that may look like pleasantly colored little cakes to you, but could actually kill you, or cause you to lose all touch with reality. And for God's sake, if you come across any strange powders, DON'T SNIFF!

Please, everyone, won't you join me in a prayer for poor Brother Corridus, and ask God to watch over and protect our naive and innocent young friend, to lead him not into temptation and deliver him from evil, that he be not delivered untimely to that great Squeaky Wheel in the Sky...


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Charley Noble
Date: 04 Feb 04 - 09:53 AM

Time for another musical interlude, a nautical rodent forebitter in the old style (copy and paste into WORD/TIMES 12 for correct chord placement):

By Hamish MacLaren, Sailor with Banjo, © 1930
Adapted by Charlie Ipcar
Tune adapted from: "Blow the Candle Out"
Key: Dm

The Rodent Mariners


Dm-------Am----Dm
We are the rodent ma-ri-ne-ers,
Am/Dm---Am
As nobody needs be told,
------------Dm----Am--------Dm
For there's no mis-taking our nau-ti-cal airs,
Am/Dm---Am-----Dm
Our rolling eyes so bold;
Dm-------------------Am
There's never a ship leaves English ground,
------Dm----------------Am
From Liverpool Docks to Plymouth Sound,
----Dm---Am---Dm
For Frisco Bay or Bombay bound,
--------------Am--------Dm
But we have free run of her hold!


We march aboard in companies,
All in the dead of night,
Over the hawsers from the quays
In the shadow of the watch lamplight;
Each roving rat his ship will choose,
From nose to nose we pass the news
Of cargoes, destination, crews,
And none can us affright.

Each roving rat his ship will choose,
From nose to nose we pass the news
Of cargoes, destination, crews,
And none can us affright.

We'll eat like kings once we set sail,
Each vessel leaving land,
A wandering larder which entails
A feast for every hand;
Maize, apples, salmon, barley, rice,
Nutmegs, olives, South Sea spice,
Meats and India merchandise,
And all at our command!

We know the ports of all the world
All warehouses, all quays,
All islets coral-ringed and pearled,
The Blue Hesperides;
And men may search until they die,
And men may blow great fleets sky-high –
But rats alone can hold for aye
The Freedom of the Seas!

And men may search until they die,
And men may blow great fleets sky-high –
But rats alone can hold for aye
The Freedom of the Seas!

Odd that no one has revived this song since old Hamish composed it in the late 1920's for his sailor's folk opera. It's really a stirring ditty. Of course rats ain't hamsters. I do hope Corridus is not offended but it's a far better song than he's likely to hear over the music trash boxes in that basement apartment.

Cheerily,
Charley Noble


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 04 Feb 04 - 10:05 AM

I could see that being done as part of a set including Meg Davis' "Swing a Cat" - CelticSoul - you listening?


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Feb 04 - 02:57 PM

You are so right, Sue! Potheads are incredibly boring people. I lived around many in the early 70's. They could be pretty amusing at times too, though.

- LH


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Celtaddict
Date: 04 Feb 04 - 09:22 PM

Or there is Cyril Tawney's seagoing

Stanley the Rat

Stanley's a rat and a fast one at that,
Bulkhead to bulkhead in four seconds flat,
He's here and he's gone ere an eyelid can bat,
But he's go a bit faster if we had a cat...

One flashing run and his visit is done,
Stan never lingers to join in the fun,
Our hospitality he'd rather shun,
But he's stay a bit longer if we had a gun...

I raises my cap to this beady-eyed chap
Who uses no compass and carries no map,
Who don't know what it means to be all in a flap,
But we'd jolly well show him if we had a trap...

When does he doze? Nobody knows.
Day and night he keeps on his toes.
I don't suppose that his eyes ever close,
But he'd sleep forever
And ever and ever
    If we had a high-pressure hose.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Thomas the Rhymer
Date: 04 Feb 04 - 11:57 PM

I saw an aged hamster in my walk;
And he was seated, by the highway side,
On a low structure of rude masonry
Built at the foot of a huge hill, and they
Who leadd their horses down the steep rough road
May thence remount at ease. the old rodent
Had placed his staff across the broad smooth stone
That overlays the pile; and, from that bag
All white with flour, the dole of village dames,
He drew his scraps and fragments, one by one;
And scanned them with a fixed and serious look
Of Idle computation. In the sun,
Upon the second step of that small pile,
Surrounded by those wild unpeopled hills,
He sat, and ate his food in solitude;
And ever, scattered from his palsied paw,
That, still attempting to prevent the waste,
Was baffled still, the crumbs in little showers
Fell on the ground; and the small mountain birds,
Not venturing yet to peck their destined meal,
Approached within the length of half his staff.


Him from my childhood I have known; and then
He was so old, he seems not older now;
He travels on, a single rodent
So helpless in appearance, that for him
The sauntering horseman throws not with a slack
And careless hand his alms upon the groud,
But stops,-that he may safely lodge the coin
Within the rodent's hat; nor quits him so,
But still, when he has given his horse the rein,
Watches the ancient Hamster with a look
Sidelong, and half reverted. She who tends
The toll gate, when in summer at her door
She turns her wheel, if on the road she sees
The aged Hamster coming, quits her work,
And lifts the latch for him that he may pass.
The post-boy, when his rattling wheels o'ertake
The aged Hamster in the woody lane,
Shouts to him from behind; and, if thus warned
The rodent does not change his course, the boy
Turns with less noisy wheels to the roadside,
And passes gently by, without a curse
Upon his lips or anger in his heart.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Corridus
Date: 05 Feb 04 - 12:20 AM

A domestic crisis! No-Knees had a big fight with Mullet-Head and has left. She took Toto with her. It feels desolate here without the bird. I hadn't realized how much I liked having him around, even if he is relentlessly diurnal in his habits. Mullet-Head is in a very bad mood now. He's smoking so much "weed" that the air is becoming intolerable in here. He finally got a stereo that works, and he is again playing hideous music at an incredible volume. This place is going downhill fast. I'm thinking of leaving myself.

p.s. I want to thank Thomas for that wonderful poetry. One rarely hears such classic stuff about hamsters. Very touching. The other songs and stuff were neat too. I hope the rat escapes harm.

Corridus


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Thomas the Rhymer
Date: 05 Feb 04 - 12:32 AM

T'were Wordsworth's, mostly...

Happy trails, Corridus!


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,pdc
Date: 05 Feb 04 - 03:49 PM

I have a problem. I'm going on vacation, and won't have access to a computer for two weeks (this is a problem?). Please promise that either you will finish this hamster story before the 11th of February, or that it will still be going after the 26th, or that someone will tell me how to access dead threads.

I really want to know how this ends!

Thank you all in advance,

pdc


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 05 Feb 04 - 04:02 PM

to access an older thread

on the main forum page - change the "Age:1 day" box next to the refresh button to an appropriate number -

if you KNOW a word in the thread title - you can put that into the "filter" box

click on the "refresh" button.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Corridus
Date: 06 Feb 04 - 12:58 PM

I have been out looking at alternative accomodations. There is a handy hole in the wall here that leads into a series of catacombs which seem to run around the whole castle. I am checking them out to find a likely spot to set up a nest. I have found two or three spots which would do nicely, and am hiding seeds in them for future rations. This requires a lot of trips. Mullet-Head's place is getting more filthy and noxious by the day, so it's time to move on. I expect to be completely moved within another 48 hours.

Corridus


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: SueB
Date: 06 Feb 04 - 01:37 PM

Badly, I'm afraid, pdc. I hope I'm wrong, but I'm beginning to get the sinking suspicion that it will all end very very badly. How long do little hamsters live, anyway?


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Charley Noble
Date: 06 Feb 04 - 05:48 PM

pdc-

Not to worry. Remember the Rodent Rapid Response Rescue Team is well on the way. They should be breaking into the apartment at any moment.

Cheerily,
Charley Noble


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,pdc
Date: 06 Feb 04 - 08:33 PM

No, it can't be the end of Corridus! Not Corridus! I'll sue!! Call a vet! RSPCA!


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Chief Chaos
Date: 06 Feb 04 - 11:50 PM

I was trying to find the lyrics to Hamster Love but they're nowhere on the internet! Wouldn't you know it!


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Charley Noble
Date: 07 Feb 04 - 11:04 AM

By the way, when do we get to see the graphic version of this tale?

"Hamster Love"? I'm afraid hamsters are loners, except for periodic love making. It kind of makes sense, don't you think, that they would have "serial" relationships.

Cheerily,
Charley Noble


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Corridus
Date: 07 Feb 04 - 10:17 PM

Things were proceeding nicely. Then I got into a territorial fight with some stupid mouse! He thinks he owns the whole catacombs. We had words over it, as rodents do, and then we got in a nasty fight. This little son-of-a-gun could really fight! It was nip and tuck there for awhile, but I finally drove him off. Now I discover that he's been stealing my seeds. ARRRGH!!! He says I am the ugliest mouse he's ever seen in his life, but he hasn't SEEN ugly yet!!! There are worse things in life than gigantic Monsters with bad taste in music after all. Considering the size of these catacombs you would think that there'd be room for more than one rodent in here. Yes, you would think so. But maybe not. I am now transferring bits of shredded cloth and paper to make a nice cosy nest, and if I see that mouse again he had better watch it.

When I last saw Mullet-Head he was lying insensibly on the floor smelling of beer and snoring loudly. Talk about a distasteful sight! These Monsters have no sense of nestkeeping whatsoever. They live in absolute squalor.

Corridus


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Corridus
Date: 10 Feb 04 - 11:52 AM

These catacombs are virtually endless. It's a big world out there. I have found an area where the mouse doesn't come often, but am still guarding my seeds with great care. I have now transferred all the seeds I could find in Mullet-Head's chaotic quarters, and am setting up a handy nest. The problem at this point is water. I am still forced to make lengthy trips to a leaky pipe for that. Whenever I run into the mouse we threaten each other with mutual destruction, click our teeth, and carry on for a bit, but we have avoided getting in another tussle so far. I see no redeeming features about that mouse whatsoever, and it is my earnest hope that he will have a fatal encounter with The Cat. I have not seen the Cat. Good thing!

Corridus


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: SueB
Date: 10 Feb 04 - 12:13 PM

Brave Corridus! Glad you were able to deal with the mouse, who was probably considerably more 'streetwise' than you, but wht about those spiders? And the cockroaches, don't tell me you haven't seen them!


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Chief Chaos
Date: 10 Feb 04 - 10:00 PM

Revolutionary communist cockroach brothers and sisters! We have been found out! An agent of the imperialist/capitalist agenda has reported our existence to that horrible hamster that is stealing the people's water! We must take action! I urge you all to band together to destroy this perfidious vermin who has already set our plans for glorious revolution back by destroying our hypnotic stereo device. Our historic dialectic demands that he be illiminated at once!


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Charley Noble
Date: 11 Feb 04 - 09:47 AM

A musical interlude for the Chief and his revolting horde:

The Roaches Inherit the Earth

(Annabel Dwyer & Friends © 1979
East Lansing, Michigan
Tune: "The Eggplant that Ate Cincinnati")

Em                              
I must offer to you a confession,
---Am-------------------------Em
It's one that I've known from my birth,
-----------Am                     
Given nuc-lear power,
--Em               
In that final hour
----Bm
The roaches inherit the earth!

Chorus:

Bm----Em------Bm
Dah-di dum-dum, dum-dum,
Bm----Em------Bm
Dah-di dum-dum, dum-dum!


You may call it my ghoulish obsession,
It's a subject which gives me much mirth,
Experts are all thumbs,
When the meltdown comes,
And the roaches inherit the earth...

I've heard from the NRC stooges,
And nuclear dupes by the score,
Their plans were respected,
Were seldom rejected,
And nuke plants grew more and more...

We'll soon have a Garden of Eden,
We'll live off the fat of the land,
Strontium 90 is dandy,
Plutonium's candy,
And for roaches won't it be grand...

Experts are all thumbs,
When the meltdown comes,
And the roaches inherit the earth!

Cheerily,
Charley Noble


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Charley Noble
Date: 11 Feb 04 - 09:49 AM

Hey, it took 3 attempts to post successfully to this thread. Be warned.

Charley Noble


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: gnomad
Date: 13 Feb 04 - 09:49 AM

Anyone seen Corridus?

It's Friday 13th...hope he hasn't met the cat.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Chief Chaos
Date: 13 Feb 04 - 12:48 PM

Lucky we're aroun d to keep this going when he's sleeping off the "seeds".

One of the all time greatest Roach tunes:
"The Cockroach That Ate Cincinnati"

Ah-ah Don't touch that dial!

I must offer to you a confession
I like movies that give me a fright (AAAAAAAAAA!!!!)
If the subject is horror
I've got to see more or
I won't be contented all night

You may call it my ghoulish obsession
It's a subject on which I get chatty
But the worst one it seems
Haunting all of my dreams
Was the cockroach that ate Cincinnati

I've seen ghouls and hobgoblins and witches
And some moth-eaten werewolves with fangs (owooo!)
There were creatures that chattered
And others that clattered
And Japanese monsters with bangs (Ha-so!)

Frankenstein gives me the shakes
And Count Dracula's driving me batty
But they're not on a par
with the worst one by far
The cockroach that ate Cincinnati

Oh he must have needed a seltzer
It's amazing how much he got down
For lunch he'd just chew
up a suburb or two
And for dinner he at the whole town (burp!)

Willard just sent me out laughing
I thought Ben looked a little bit ratty (groaing)(Sorry!)
But they're not half as bad
As the worst scare I've had
"The Cockroach That Ate Cincinnati"

Oh my heart nearly stopped
He will never be topped
The cockroach that ate Cincinnati... Olè!
(Olè? That's dumb!)


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Charley Noble
Date: 13 Feb 04 - 02:58 PM

Chief-

Once again you have brightened my day.

Please forward your song to the Cincinnati Chamber of Commerce.

Cheerily,
Charley Noble


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Chief Chaos
Date: 13 Feb 04 - 03:05 PM

They probably already know about it. It was performed by a group called Rose and the Arrangements many years back. I've got it on Dr. Dementos 20'th anniversary collection. I like to play it along with the Monster Mash and She Loves You (Frankenstein performance courtesy of Peter Sellers) at Halloween.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Corridus
Date: 13 Feb 04 - 06:01 PM

I have noticed odd behaviour on the part of the cockroaches. They have been gathering together and spying on my activities. Silly creatures! Hamsters do not fear cockroaches in the least. I think they are in the grip of some crazy political cause and have lost touch with reality.

I am continuing to explore the catacombs. From them one can reach many different places in the castle. I have found a listening post where I can observe the activities of the Enormous One. I can even see The Cage. It hasn't been moved. I may sneak in and use The Wheel just for old time's sake, but I have to make sure The Cat is not at home when I do so. Besides, there's a lot of food still in The Cage.

Corridus


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST
Date: 13 Feb 04 - 06:05 PM

No! Don't go back. The door will shut and you will be stuck forever. Move onwards and upwards perhaps?


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Chief Chaos
Date: 14 Feb 04 - 11:09 PM

Orders from the Crumblin to all comrade roaches:

Now is the time to strike.
THe imperialist rodent has been confirmed to be in the vicinity of his previous habitat. No doubt he will be reporting to his superiors on our activities. All Roaches are directed to arm themselves with toothpicks, tacks, pins or whatever may be able to be found to stop the imperialist guineapig from completing his mission. He must be terminated for the good of the mother land!


(You know I've just realized that the roaches are on the wrong side of things. Wasn't the term for the motherland in the Former Soviet Union the Rodina? Comes very close to Rodent in my mind.) Corridus! Your move!


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Subject: LYR.Add.:Cockroach Blues
From: Charley Noble
Date: 15 Feb 04 - 10:18 AM

Perhaps, another musical interlude is called for, "The Cockroach Blues." This is another fine song gleaned from the working draft of the PITY THE DOWNTRODDEN LANDLOARD: Tenant and Neighborhood Organizing Songbook:

"Roaches are another common horror of rental housing. One of my recurrent memories is of waking up one moonlit night at a seedy seaside hotel to observe the roaches crawling up the walls while others, losing their grip, dropped down from the ceiling. Good friends of mine in Michigan used to stage an annual spring roach race for the entertainment of themselves and other inmates of married student housing; suitable prizes were awarded, with a specific one reserved for the foreign competition."

        "Cockroach Blues" was composed by singer-songwriter Julius Lester in 1965 and will surely be appreciated by those of us who have shared digs with these ancient and persistent pests.


COCKROACH BLUES

(Words and music by Julius Lester
© 1965 Hyperson Music Publishers
Recorded on Julius Lester, Vanguard VSD 79199)

Lord, I wouldn't mind roaches
If they would help me pay my rent;
I said I wouldn't mind roaches
If they would help me pay my rent,
But you know a roach said to me, "You better move,
I want one of them luxury apartments."

I bought a spray last night
And I sprayed all over the house...(as above)
I got up this morning,
Roaches thanked me for killing a mouse.

Now I wish I had a penny
For every roach I've seen...(as above)
Nobody in this world
Would have to work again.

There were some roaches on the stove,
They were standing around in a crowd...(as above)
I walked over to 'em;
Roaches turned around and yelled "Freedom now!"

Warm regards,
Landlady's Daughter


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: JudyB
Date: 18 Feb 04 - 05:34 PM

I'm getting really worried here. I have this vision of you sneaking into the cage for a little R&R and a massive army of roaches suddenly appearing to blockade the door....


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: MMario
Date: 18 Feb 04 - 07:34 PM

We want Corridus to be a part of the MUDCAT - but not a part of "the" cat!!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Charley Noble
Date: 19 Feb 04 - 09:15 AM

It don't look good for Corridus...

Charley Noble


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Buffy the Hamster Slayer
Date: 19 Feb 04 - 09:22 AM

Right you little sod, let's be having you............... End of Hamster, ergo, end of thread.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Corridus
Date: 19 Feb 04 - 11:47 AM

The rumours of my demise are greatly exaggerated. I have just been busy exploring. I resisted the temptation to investigate my old quarters where the Enormous One resides, but have been into 3 other big grottos in the Castle. I didn't see any Cats, but I smelled some! They're out there. I found another grotto with a bird! Her name is "Ella". She is a canary. She says they named her after some famous Monster singer. She does like to sing. Ella, like most birds, spills seeds all over the place, so I have been busy gathering the spilled ones and taking them back to my new home. Fun! I shall continue exploring the various grottos and report back when I get time.

Corridus


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Charley Noble
Date: 27 Feb 04 - 07:40 PM

As I've said before, it don't look good.

Too bad, Corridus was a game hamster and I was getting so fond of the little fella.

Cold grey body on the slab,
See how he lies,
See how he lies!

Charley Noble


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: JudyB
Date: 27 Feb 04 - 07:55 PM

Oh dear - say it ain't so!


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: MMario
Date: 27 Feb 04 - 10:13 PM

Has he eaten his last seed? Clicked his teeth at his last mouse? or maybe - just maybe - he got OUTSIDE!


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Charley Noble
Date: 28 Feb 04 - 12:03 PM

MMario-

That's possible. It's hard to post when you're out there. We'll just have to be patient until he checks into an internet cafe or someplace else. Maybe the Rodent Rapid Response Team will pick him up.

I hope so.

Of course, we don't even know his zip code.

Charley Noble


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Corridus
Date: 28 Feb 04 - 01:06 PM

I have had an unusual adventure, and it took some time to recover the laptop. Well, I got captured by a Monster. A female Monster named Zoe. That's pronounced Zoh-eee. She is surprisingly nice for a Monster and she plays games with me which are quite entertaining.

What happened was, I was exploring the catacombs and found a hole that led through a tunnel and into Zoe's grotto. It's a typical Monster grotto, large and full of strange things. Zoe has a lot of plants and shiny stones. I was exploring everywhere, doing the usual thing, when I heard someone squeal..."Oooo! A Hammie!" It was Zoe. She had spotted me. She seems to be very enthusiastic about hamsters and she tried to catch me right away. A hectic pursuit followed as I ran around from one hiding place to another. Eventually things got quiet. I had taken refuge under a handy mountain-thing...a couch maybe. Finally I peeked out to see where she was. No sign of her. I ventured forth cautiously...and...whoomp! She grabbed me with a towel. She had cunningly hidden of top of the mountain thing and waited a long time. She's smart.

I next found myself inside an inescapable sort of container with high slippery sides, and Zoe was staring at me and exclaiming with delight. I figured this could be the end, if she turned out to be a predator. Fortunately, she didn't. In short order Zoe returned with a Cage. I know cages. This was a pretty good one, and it has a Wheel, two food containers, a water bottle, all the usual stuff. I have given the Wheel a whirl and it goes great! Talk about deja vu...

Well, Zoe has been nice to me, so I didn't bite her when I got the chance. She lets me out of the cage every day. I have even gotten back to the catacombs today, and recovered the laptop, but found that that filthy mouse stole all my food!!! I'll fix him if I see him.

And now, the most incredible thing of all. Zoe has a Cat! This is normally not a good thing, to put it mildly, only I don't think this Cat knows it's a Cat. Zoe brought it to the cage to introduce us. It's a fat, white fluffy thing called "Agatha". Agatha stared at me blankly throught the bars as if barely interested at all. When Zoe let Agatha go, she wandered off and went to sleep in a sunbeam. I have since discovered that Agatha completely lacks predatory instincts. This is remarkable. I even sniffed noses with her the other day. She looked back at me blandly, yawned (dreadful breath!) and started cleaning herself.

I think Agatha is a few seeds short of a bushel, if you get my meaning.

Zoe has introduced me to a remarkable vehicle for exploring. I call it "the Sphere". It's a round, transparent thing. You get in, push on the side, and away it goes. Great fun! And one is totally invulnerable while travelling inside the armoured Sphere. I have devised a game to annoy Agatha. I roll the sphere at high speed into her fat rump while she lies dreaming on the carpet. Hee! Hee! Agatha starts momentarily, looks vexed, and gets up and moves away to a different spot...then settles down again to dreamland. Whereupon I rev up...and roll into her again. She always looks surprised, as it it was the first time. Agatha is really a funny Cat.

So, things are going well on the whole. I am not entirely free, but I can see certain advantages to this setup. It's a nice change.

- Corridus


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Chief Chaos
Date: 28 Feb 04 - 11:23 PM

Memo from Eastern Revolutionary Watchpost to The Crumblin:

Rejoice Comrades!
The capitalist vermin has been apprehended and is undergoing re-education into his species way of life. No more shall we need worry about his meddling in our historical dialectic. We shall remain vigilant in our observances of his gulag should he manage an escape. We shall not venture forth from our watchpost as the are in which his gulag resides has proven to be under the control of a fierce body of big ones who watch little TV and do not listen to music over which we have control. He has either not told them of our plans or they don't believe him. Either way it is a glorious victory for the motherland!

(Glad to see you're back and well Corridus!)


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: SueB
Date: 03 Mar 04 - 12:28 AM

Corridus, there are some very bad people in this world. If they catch you they will use you to make a coat! If you don't believe me, click here !!

Please, please, please, Corridus, stay where you are. You'll be safe there.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Charley Noble
Date: 03 Mar 04 - 11:44 AM

Nice link, Sue. But it looks like it's not so easy for buyers to achieve entry into the market.

I wonder if it's as difficult to buy moles for making a mole skin coat? Or sloes?

Cheerily,
Charley Noble


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: SueB
Date: 03 Mar 04 - 12:10 PM

I believe that reporter was disingenuous in her approach. All it would take is telling a couple of neighborhood boys that you'll give 'em, say, 25 cents for every hamster skin (of a certain size) they can come up with. They'll have two dozen on your doorstep before you can say Bob's your uncle, and the more enterprising ones will have started basement rodent breeding operations by the weekend.

Which brings me to a certain delicate subject I have been meaning to broach - spring is beginning to be in the air here on the ranch, and it's having a certain effect on the animals, especially the male ones. The turkey has become a testosterone-crazed wreck. The little bull is getting 'frisky' - even the burro who was not neutered until after he discovered the Joy of Incest is 'feeling his oats.'

So what about Corridus? Is not the blood beginning to stir in his little hamster loins?


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Chief Chaos
Date: 03 Mar 04 - 01:49 PM

Interesting point Sue. I've had gerbils, not too far removed from hamsters and I am starting to think there is a little known phenomenon going on. Even if you have two "males" sooner or later you somehow end up with a litter of little rodents. It might be that the pet shop owner can't figure out the difference or they might mutate. It's kinda like wire coathangers. Even if you start out with one, by the end of the year the closet is full of them. All she needed to do was buy three hamsters and keep the babies separate from the male. As soon as they reached maturity they'd begoing at it as well, and so on, and so on, exponentially. Not sure what genetic effects might be witnessed in their coats from all the inbreeding but their would probably be enough hamsters for a coat in a year or so.

Sorry for the disturbing conversation corridus.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Corridus
Date: 04 Mar 04 - 11:30 AM

AAAKKK! What horrifying stories! There are some really sick things going on out there.

Well, yes, Sue, I do get to thinking about that. I would dearly like to father some hamlets as soon as possible, but there are no females to be seen around here at the moment. What's a man to do? Perhaps Zoe will bring in a potential mate for me. I've got my toes crossed on that.

Things are going well here. I can actually run around on top of Agatha. She just lies there, mostly. She is incredibly hairy and always shedding. I don't think she gets enough exercise. Sometimes I pretend that I have slain the Cat and stand atop her comatose body striking heroic poses. It's great fun!

- Coriddus


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST
Date: 04 Mar 04 - 11:43 AM

There is at least one web page on the internet about human-hamster hybrids. Forget the absent - go for the present! Breed Zoe!


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Corridus
Date: 04 Mar 04 - 04:12 PM

You must be joking. She towers over me like a giant sequoia or something. I wouldn't know where to begin. Besides, it's a totally gross idea!

Corridus


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Chief Chaos
Date: 05 Mar 04 - 10:08 AM

Also, from previous posts I have assumed that she was underaged!
Shame, Shame Guest!

Maybe my communist roach horde could set you up with a nice female mouse? I know it's not quite the same but it could help pass the hours.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Charley Noble
Date: 05 Mar 04 - 10:36 AM

Anyone catch the new TV (US) for a telephone long distance plan called "Rewards"? A stout woman is seen stapling up a reward notice for return of her missing hamster and a passerby notices what she's doing and then notices something moving about in the lower back of her top and endeavors to capture it, much to her shock. I believe he's hauled away for molestation. Clearly the more appropriate charge would be "hamsterstation."

I don't think I'll change my long distance calling plan but the ad did catch my eye.

Cheerily,
Charley Noble


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: JudyB
Date: 23 Mar 04 - 11:08 AM

So, Corridus, are you still having a ball? Have you met someone special? What's been happening?

   JudyB

PS The ad at the bottom is for "dancing, singing hamsters" - have you decided to leave it all behind for a career on Broadway?


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Corridus
Date: 23 Mar 04 - 12:13 PM

Things are going fine. I have discovered that Zoe is also concerned about the lack of romance in her life. She is hoping to meet a young, good-looking male monster (human). This is a forlorn hope in my opinion, because they're all butt ugly!!! I hope that she does not decide to team up with Mullet-Head. That would be really awful!

Zoe's cave is a lot nicer than Mullet-Head's was. Much less dirt and dust. I have now explored the whole area, with the exception of some of the highest escarpments which are difficult to reach.

Zoe has been buying hamster treats. Very good. She also plays the flute and entertains me. Agatha is now having some kind of dream. She's twitching nervously. Probably she is imagining stalking a dust bunny, but loses her nerve at the last moment. :-) Agatha has refined timidity to a fine art.

Zoe is thinking of acquiring a budgie. I think that's a great idea, but I would prefer a female hamster. We'll see what happens. Budgies are good for being lookouts and watching for non-Agatha type Cats.

Zoe reads romance novels. They usually have a picture on the cover of a very muscular male monster clutching a female monster in a passionate embrace. I have no idea what she gets from reading that nonsense, but she seems to like it. You can't get such books about hamsters. Perhaps I should write one.

- Corridus


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 23 Mar 04 - 12:20 PM

I can practically see it in print!

Seeds of Sin! - Can the dashing and debonair hamster of the Duke of Devonshire find true happiness with the common-born hamster of the Manor cook? entertainment for the discerning rodent.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Charley Noble
Date: 23 Mar 04 - 03:36 PM

Corridus-

It's good to have you post in. Some of us worry about our little furry friends.

Tejitu, Tilahun and Gashay, who would love to have you join them for din-din


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Corridus
Date: 04 Apr 04 - 12:50 PM

Acting on MMario's inspired suggestion, I have written a torrid romance novel entitled "Seeds of Sin!", and today is the official launching of my book. My editor suggested that I write under a female psuedonym such as "Persephone Smythe" to increase sales, but I have decided not to. I think that if I am known under my own name, Corridus, it will help attract a suitable mate. My book is a heartthrobbing and suspenseful tale of romance and betrayal, starring Lancelot, the dashing, debonair, sardonic and mysterious hamster of the Duke of Devonshire. Lancelot escapes from his gilded cage, narrowly avoids death at the jaws of killer Corgis, and makes his way into the sleepy village of Buggeroll-on-Thames. There he meets SweetEllen, a lovely and innocent hamstress who is enslaved to the vile Grogan, a machinist and secret animal abuser. Many terrifying and titillating moments follow. More I cannot tell.

Order "Seeds of Sin" now from Soliloquy Press!!! You will not be able to put this book down!

- Corridus


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Charley Noble
Date: 04 Apr 04 - 02:30 PM

Yes, and yes!

I can just imagine what the cover art looks like!

Cheerily,
Charley Noble


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: MMario
Date: 04 Apr 04 - 03:31 PM

There better not be any cheek pouches exposed on the cover!


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Chief Chaos
Date: 04 Apr 04 - 06:08 PM

Killer Corgis?

Man, you've been eating them "seeds" again!
My corgis are too lazy to chew their own food much less chase a hamster!


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: pyewacket
Date: 17 Apr 04 - 11:52 AM

Corridus:
Encore... Encore!
Please... another installment!

pyewacket


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Corridus
Date: 17 Apr 04 - 03:15 PM

Sales of my book, "Seeds of Sin!" are exploding in the world of rodents! I have found my true calling. Fan mail is already pouring in, and I have been propositioned quite blatantly by a great many delightful looking female hamsters of suitable breeding age! Why didn't I think of this months ago? You should see the mail...and the pictures...wow. I am busy sending out answers, and expect to shortly arrange to meet some of my newfound admirers in a discreet fashion, with a little help from Zoe, who has been quite supportive. She reads my book with a magnifying glass, and keeps blushing and laughing out loud in the dramatic/romantic parts for some reason. Human monsters are strange creatures. Their own mating habits seem to be far more complex and inefficient than is the case with hamsters.

On a darker note, my old enemy the Mouse(!) has entered Zoe's cave on a couple of occasions! He is a dirty invader of our territory and must be driven off or destroyed. I tried to get Agatha to catch him and eat him, but she is totally useless as a predator. She simply doesn't get what being a Cat is all about, but she would make an excellent duster for a monster to use, specially if she had a long pole stuck in at the backside.

I shall have to take matters into my own paws.

Corridus


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Charley Noble
Date: 18 Apr 04 - 10:23 AM

Way to go, Corridus!

But be careful that wealth and fame don't impair your good judgment.

Cheerily,
Charley Noble


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: MMario
Date: 18 Apr 04 - 09:28 PM

be careful - some of those hamstresses are only after your seed - and I'm not talking the reproductive kind !


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Chief Chaos
Date: 19 Apr 04 - 12:02 AM

Corridus, Corridus, Corridus!
And here I thought that Hamsters were of a nobler breed than man!
I cand understand wanting to protect the wonderful territory that you have discovered, and there are some sanitary reasons for wanting to keep the mouse away from your nest and Zoe, but there are certainly control efforts that can be made without the death of a fellow sentient being, no matter how rude, nasty or repugnant the fellow may be. Please say you'll consider my words.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Corridus
Date: 19 Apr 04 - 11:43 AM

Chief, you don't understand what territorial issues are like among rodents. There's no mercy!!! However, I will say this: the vicious fights that erupt over territory very seldom lead to a fatal result. It's more like a lot of sound, fury, and scuffling, along with maybe a nip or two...then the losing party flees and it's all over. It's just that the basic intentions are pretty murderous, that's all.

I fit that Mouse to a standstill before and I'm not afraid to take him on again. He's in for big trouble.

Corridus


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: SueB
Date: 19 Apr 04 - 01:40 PM

I have visions of a proud hamster solemnly donning his Samurai (or is that Hamurai) armor and sharpening his sword...perhaps Corridus' next romantic opus could take place in the Samurai era - now I'm having visions of a dark slender Hamstress swooning in a kimono...


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 19 Apr 04 - 02:02 PM

I've always suspected that Reepicheep of 'Dawntreader' fame was actually a Hamster rather then a mouse; but have no way to confirm this.

hmmm- Corridus could probably do an entire historical series - Ghengis Hamster would be a natural; likewise I am sure both the Russian Imperial court and the bolshivik party had their Hamster Heroes. And surely Hamsters were instrumental in the building of the Great Wall of China? (the terratorial urge thing)

Even pre-history! Perhaps set at the end of the last major Ice Age when the Giant Hamsters of the glacial Tundra were being supplanted by the more modern, sleeker, faster, more intelligent hamsters we know today.

or (dare I say it?) Hamsters in Space!!!! To Boldly go where no rodent has been before!


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Chief Chaos
Date: 19 Apr 04 - 03:55 PM

To give this thread a litle more musical basis:

"All we are saying, is give peace a chance!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: SueB
Date: 20 Apr 04 - 01:54 AM

Who is that photographer who dresses up his dogs and makes childrens books? Perhaps we could persuade him to do a session with Corridus -
I see him in a loincloth, as Ghandi Hamster, or sitting crosslegged in saffron colored robes - The Dalai Hamster. Perhaps hamsters would be more peaceable if they only had someone to lead the way...


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Charley Noble
Date: 20 Apr 04 - 08:49 AM

I think we need to be careful with our suggestions. They may curb the artistic genius of Guest Corridus. I find nothing more frustrating when SCI FI reverts to "reruns" of gladiator films, westerns, knights in armor, and such. I want to see REAL aliens, with truly imaginative plots and characters. If we're not careful we may find ourselves trapped on Star Trek's holio deck.

So, Corridus, be bold! Go where no hamster has ever ventured before!

Cheerily,
Charley Noble


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Corridus
Date: 20 Apr 04 - 10:15 PM

My feeling is that the sheer drama and scope of modern rodent courtship, combined with themes such as love, heartbreak, and betrayal provide an almost unlimited field for truly gripping prose. It's not necessary to evoke past historical eras. Simply create believable characters, a tangled web of star-crossed circumstance, and ignite the flame of romance, and one is guaranteed to get fiction that virtually sets the pages on fire, and draws the reader irresistibly toward the next riveting chapter!

I am working on a sequel already.

But first I must defeat the Mouse utterly.

Corridus


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: MMario
Date: 20 Apr 04 - 10:26 PM

Strange name for a mouse, utterly.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Corridus
Date: 06 May 04 - 12:12 AM

I have had another encounter with that filthy mouse, and I now know his name. It is Measle. He represents everything that is vile and treacherous in rodents. He must die.

Here's what happened. I was out in the sphere, rolling around the place and irritating Agatha the Cat who was trying to get a nap. All of a sudden I smelled the rank odour of my dastardly enemy, the Mouse! He was in Zoe's and my Cave! I pursued the scent, rolling my Sphere along and found the filthy little beast STEALING MY SEEDS!!! I challenged him to mortal combat immediately, but I couldn't get out of the Sphere to get to grips with him, and Zoe was not around to let me out. He tried to fight me through the Sphere and I tried to fight him and we rolled and tumbled all over the place. Agatha opened one eye and looked momentarily startled, opening both eyes up wide. I don't think she ever saw a Mouse before. It was becoming plain that I could not bite the Mouse through the Sphere, nor could he bite me. "Agatha!" I squeaked. "That's an invading Mouse. Kill it! Kill it!" You know what the silly thing did...she looked aghast and fled behind the sofa! She has no idea she's a Cat, and probably imagines herself to be smaller than a Mouse. Agatha is a complete idiot.

The Mouse had discovered that the Sphere was impenetrable, so he backed off a bit...and then he started laughing at me! Oh, how I raged! He then started squeaking all kinds of insults and boasting loudly, "Measle is the King! Measle is undefeatable! You stink! You are an evolutionary abberation. Measle is going to steal all your food and pee on your nest! Ha! Ha! Ha!" As you can imagine, I went completely berserk. I had to watch helplessly as the vile little creature stole all my food and marked my nest with his calling card. It was maddening.

Eventually he left as he had come, departing through a small crack by the baseboard. When Zoe came back I chittered and carried on for some time, so she knew I was really upset. She has gone and gotten more food, but the Cave is no longer secure. Our sacred ground has been violated.

That's it. When I have eaten and rested properly I am going to re-enter the catacombs and finish that rotten Measle off once and for all. I will dismember him and scatter his pitiful remnants to the four winds. Measle is going to DIE, DIE, DIE!!!

Corridus


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Charley Noble
Date: 06 May 04 - 08:49 AM

It's a good thing that our Bold Corribus does not have access to a rocket launcher.

But on to the catacombs! Why ARE they known as "catacombs"? You don't suppose that Agatha would know.

Cheerily,
Charley Noble


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 06 May 04 - 08:53 AM

Agatha probably doesn't know anything about catacombs - I'm amazed she has enough brain activity to breath - let alone purr.

Don't blame Corridus for his hostility towards Measle - after all the mouse did pee on his territory! (and I think rodential antipathy is probably hard-wired into their genes)


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Chief Chaos
Date: 06 May 04 - 03:43 PM

But it was Corridus who first invaded Measle's territory (in his search for freedom) and he probably stole some of Measle's food over the intervening time and probably left a few good calling cards of his own in Measle's territory. He also stole from the collective of the Crumblin. Is he not as guilty as Measle in his transgressions? How will he ever attain Nirvana with such a tortured soul?

Reach for the higher plane Corridus! Find a way to cut him off from your territory and leave him to fester in the squallor that he claims for himself. Leave him to the Roach Horde! But don't Love Zoe with his blood on your paws!


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST
Date: 06 May 04 - 03:46 PM

Be a rodent, Corridus! Go for Measle's jugular! sink your incidors into his pulsing lifeblood and rip it from his quivering flesh! What are you - a primate or a rodent?


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Corridus
Date: 06 May 04 - 04:18 PM

Now you're talking! Zero Hour approaches. When the sun sets tonight I shall go forth to eliminate Measle from the face of this earth. I shall take the laptop and report back from the scene of carnage if I am able to. I have tied a red bandana around my head to symbolize "victory or death". It's him or me this time.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST
Date: 06 May 04 - 06:31 PM

I think you should patter carefully here. Measle may be one of a family of sixty three, then what? They will lie in wait and leap out to catch you unawares. Why not leave him alone and instead think warm thoughts about the lovely Zoe. Does she watch Rambo films?


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Corridus
Date: 06 May 04 - 11:06 PM

I am puzzled by that last Guest's question. Let me clarify the situation. Zoe is a young adult human monster, albeit a female. She's incredibly large and tall. I am a hamster, albeit male. Zoe is my friend and we share the Cave amicably, but mating is simply inconceivable. And it would be unnatural. It used to be Zoe and Agatha's Cave but now it is my cave too, and Measle has trespassed on it, thus committing an offense that can only be wiped out in blood!

Zoe is a very nice human. I should really not call her a monster. She likes romance novels and Celtic music and art. Agatha is a fat, white Cat who doesn't know she's a Cat. She is nice but useless.

I have now entered the catacombs through the same crack by which Measle invaded, and I am following his filthy scent. I shall track him down to his lair.

I am being spied on by those stupid cockroaches again. They're on some kind of vendetta against me, but I do not fear them.

The trail is getting hotter by the minute.

Corridus


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Corridus
Date: 07 May 04 - 12:13 AM

I am as always amazed by the sheer extent of these inner catacombs between the cave walls. There are other mice here too, I've detected scent trails, and there may a rat as well! This could be dangerous. Rats are big and mean.

I have discovered a cache of Measle's seeds (or mine) but I have more important things on my mind than seed-gathering. I ate a few and moved on. He's around here somewhere.

It's very dusty here and there are a lot of wires too. Big wires. I can hear music coming from this or that Cave where the human monsters live. I've never been in this part before. Someone is playing "Kid Moronic and the Useless F**kers" at top volume. I remember it with loathing. I wonder if it's Mullet-Head?


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Charley Noble
Date: 07 May 04 - 08:12 AM

I'm getting that BADDD feeling again.

WATCH OUT!!!!!

Charley Noble


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Corridus
Date: 08 May 04 - 12:07 AM

A number of unexpected things have happened. I am lucky to be alive at this point. I am presently confined in a strange cage, the prisoner of a psychotic, immature...but I should go back to the beginning...

As I followed the vile scent of Measle the thieving Mouse through the dust, dirt and gloom of the endless catacombs I knew I was drawing nearer to our deadly encounter. I went back through my mind to the events that had taken me across Measle's path so long ago, when I made my escape from the Cave of the Enormous One (my original human Monster). What strange twists of fortune can lead a life astray!

Thinking these pensive thoughts, I pressed on...came around a corner...and there he was! Yes, it was Measle, the vile little beast. He was cleaning his whiskers, but froze for an instant at the sight of me.

"You!" he snarled. "You're on my territory!"

"That's right, Measle," I replied, clicking my teeth savagely, "I, Corridus the Hamster, have hunted you down to your noisome haunts and now I shall destroy you, you criminal of criminals, you nest defiler, you heathen Mouse! Prepare to die!"

"You're the one who's going to die!" he squealed, and he hurled himself upon me.

We clinched and rolled about, fighting furiously in the dust and nameless detritus of the catacombs. I saw the flash of Measle's ugly yellow incisors, but I fended them off, sticking an elbow in his nasty little eye, and went for his throat. He dodged, and drove his shoulder into my stomach. We crashed against a wall of plaster, bringing down a mass of spiderwebs and other trash. This Mouse could really fight! I lost all track of time as we wrestled madly, struggled, cursed and snapped amidst the dust and filth. I thought for a moment I had him...but no! He wriggled free. We fell apart for an instant, panting at each other furiously across a tangle of wires and dust bunnies...and then a grisly voice spoke.

"Well, well," it said. "Lunch."

Measle and I turned as one and beheld the hugest and nastiest looking rat that ever stalked a graveyard in a nightmare! It was gazing at us greedily through its blazing eyes, which were filled with a greedy lust for blood!

"Oh, no!" squeaked Measle. "It's Slythy the RAT!"

"At your service," hissed the Rat, gloatingly. "Now let's see...which one of you shall I devour first? The familiar or the exotic? Decisions, decisions..." He crept forward, step by step toward us. Never had I felt such creeping horror.

"Run!" squealed Measle, and he made a dash down the only possible route of escape. Slythy the Rat lunged forward, and I leaped straight up in the air, just evading his deadly rush, and landed on his arched back! Determined to sell my life dearly, I sank my teeth into his sour flesh as he spun about to sieze me. The Rat uttered a spinetingling shriek and threw me off and I fled down the same path Measle had taken, with the enraged Slythy only a heartbeat behind me. I could hear his hot, sibilant breath thundering in my ears.

In what seemed only a moment or two I found myself at the edge of a precipice above what seemed to be a bottomless gulf of impenetrable darkness. Measle was there, shivering in terror. "Climb!" he yelled, and he scrambled straight up the wall. Alas! I could not follow. Hamsters are not as adept at climbing sheer walls as mice are, and here came Slythy, frothing at the mouth with berserk fury, his eyes glowing redly in the lowering gloom.

Entrusting myself to fate, I leaped off the precipice and fell...and fell...into the darkness below.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: MMario
Date: 08 May 04 - 06:40 PM

obviously Corridus survived - but what suspense - what drama! He is indeed a hamster among hamsters - rodent supreme


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Chief Chaos
Date: 08 May 04 - 07:55 PM

ALl for pride and the sake of vengance! Oh Corridus, brave corridus surely now you have learned the error of your ways? You could have simply blocked off his access and you'd be spending this evening with Zoe.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Corridus
Date: 08 May 04 - 08:23 PM

For what seemed at least several seconds I plummeted downward in the stygian darkness. Could these be my last moments of life? Then I hit bottom, plunging into a mass of soft, yielding
material of some unknown origin. It wasn't spiderweb, but some kind of cottony stuff that you find here and there in the catacombs. I scrambled to my feet, only to hear a scrambling sound
above me that heralded the approach of a heavy body. Slythy the Rat was coming down after me!

I fled quickly down a yawning metal shaft with smooth sides that echoed hollowly under my feet. I heard Slythy curse as he hit bottom. In a moment he was after me again. Down the shaft I
rushed, coming to a sudden fork in the road that led to both right and left. I rushed into the left tunnel. Slythy was squeezing through behind me and he crashed into the junction, but he had my
scent and was quickly on my trail again. I sped on along a level stretch, then came to a thin screen that looked out on a lighted hallway. This could be my sanctuary! I tore frantically at the
screen and managed to rip a hole in it. I squeezed my head through, then my front paws, and got stuck! A moment of desperate struggling and the screen gave way, just as Slythy appeared, his baleful fangs dripping saliva and champing. He snapped, but an instant too late, as I fell through to the hallway below, bounced and rolled. I knew he would follow, so I dashed down the hall, around a corner, and straight into the paws of a momentarily astounded Cat!!!! Not just any CAT...THE CAT...my old deadly enemy and persecutor.

It was quite possibly the most awful moment of my life. The Cat recovered from his surprise in an instant and seized me in his massive jaws! I was surely doomed this time. He held me for a
moment, as if savouring me, and then dropped me between his paws and penned me in. I could see his huge claws flexing on either side of me. No escape!

I have heard that Cats sometimes play with their food in a sadistic manner before delivering the coup de grace, and now I was experiencing this awful mindgame. What a miserable way to die,
and I surely would have...if not for Slythy the Rat. The vicious creature proved to be my salvation, for he now came scurrying around the same corner I had come around moments before and ran right into the arms of The Cat! Slythy squealed, the Cat Squawled, and they went for each other in an instant, snapping and clawing. I was tossed to one side, nearly stunned.

This was a battle of titans, for Slythy was no small Rat. He could probably have driven most Cats to flight, but my nemesis the Orange Tabby was no run-of-the-mill Cat, and certainly no wimp like Agatha. They burst apart and faced off across the hallway, snarling at one another. The Cat spat hideously and Slythy answered with a vicious hiss, baring his dagger-like incisors. I struggled for breath and looked around for a means of escape.

The situation was further complicated when a small human Monster burst on the scene and starting yelling, "A Rat! Mizzenchip is fighting a Rat!!!" (when I say "small", I mean for a human...they are all enormous). A female human Monster screamed shrilly, rushed out into the hallway and snatched up the small human. She continued screaming and screaming. What a noise!

Then who should appear but my old cavemate, Mullet-Head, the Monster with no musical taste whatsoever. "Holy Shit!" he yelled. "That's a f**kin' huge rat, man!" Mullet-Head tends to use quite vulgar language much of the time.

Another human Monster appeared, brandishing a long metallic tubular device with a wooden part at the base. Upon investigation I have determined that it was a shotgun...12 gauge. He was a partly bald-headed human male with short graying hair and a little mustache, and wearing dirty slacks, suspenders, and a sweatshirt, emblazoned with the legend "The Buck Stops HERE, ASSHOLE! You don't like it? EAT HOT LEAD!!!"

"I KNEW it!" he spat contemptuously. "I told that fat prick there were vermin in this building, but no-o-o-o-o, he wouldn't do anything about it! Well, baby, now the fur is gonna FLY!!! Stand
back! Fire in the hole!!!"

"Oh...SHIT!" yelled Mullet-Head, and he dove for the floor, covering his head with his arms. The woman screamed and vanished into her cave slamming the door as...BOOOOOOM!!!! A tremendous detonation from the shotgun blew a huge, ragged hole in the wall! Mizzenchip the Orange Cat leaped straight up in the air with a screech and took off down the hallway. Slythy dodged into the hole in the wall and disappeared in an instant.

"Goddammit!!!" yelled the Monster with the gun. "I'll get you, you vermin! I know you're in there!" He levelled the shotgun once more and fired off another round, blowing a further hole in the wall. I could hear Mullet-Head mumbling something to himself. I think he was praying. While he was occupied I slipped into a paper bag that he had been carrying. It was full of baggies of that funny plant he likes so much. I remember eating the stuff. It tasted good, but
things got really weird for about a day afterward, so I wasn't inclined to eat it again unless absolutely necessary. Besides, I had no appetite at the moment.

The people in the Cave beyond the wall were yelling and carrying on. They were unhappy about the shotgun blasts, but Mustache Man didn't care. He put in a couple more shells and ran down the hall listening for Slythy. Once he thought he heard him and he fired one more round, making yet a third big hole in the plaster. Mullet-Head lay all scrunched up like a dead man, and I lay low as well, not making a peep.

Shortly after that I heard sirens and some big human Monsters came in dressed in blue suits with little guns of their own at the ready. I shall call them the Blue Meanies, because they were very
uptight and bossy. They started yelling at Mustache Man, and it looked like there might be a full scale gun battle, but he finally surrendered the shotgun. They put some metal things on his hands
and started asking everyone questions. I waited inside the paper bag, and hid under the baggies of dry leaves.

Mustache Man was furious. "You can't do this to me," he kept yelling. "I'm Benton W. Fender! Bent Fender to you jerkoffs! I'm an American patriot! I'm all that stands between this country and total moral collapse."

It seems that the Blue Meanies have some kind of authority that he questions. He says that they are traitors against the Constitution, and are serving the enemies of America. I have no idea what he
was talking about, but the Blue Meanies were not amused. They took him and his gun away for further questioning. The people from the Cave with the holes in it cheered when they did this, and said they hoped he would be "put away" for a long time. He called them "Commie-Arab Faggots" and said, ominously..."I'll be BACK!"

The Blue Meanies were around for some time, questioning everybody, specially Mullet-Head, who was very nervous. He kept trying to slip away. This must have made the Blue Meanies suspicious because they looked in the bag and found the dried plants. Mullet-Head turned
absolutely pale and said, "That is, like, not my bag, man. It's Mr Fender's bag. I was just gonna give it back to him."

I don't think they believed him, because they took him away too, and dropped the baggie inside another bag. I sat inside it, trying to decide what to do next. When we reached the outdoors (I knew it had to be outdoors because there was so much light) I wriggled out of the bag and found myself inside some strange big travelling thing with Mullet-Head and the Blue Meanies. I hid under an overhanging seat. Presently the thing stopped travelling, and a door opened. I jumped out onto a wide expanse of flat stone and ran to some bushes for concealment. There were tremendous castles towering into the air. Really astounding. I hid out in the bushes until nightfall, and pondered my next move.

Oops! Here comes Psycho Kid...gotta hide the laptop! Later.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Corridus
Date: 09 May 04 - 09:22 PM

A great many of the giant conveyances went whistling by for hours and hours, taking human Monsters about on their errands. I watched them from the bushes. After awhile I got used to it and had a nap. I awoke at dusk, refreshed and ready for action. The big vehicles were still rushing around noisily and had lit glowing eyes so as to see in the darkness. I think they must be alive in some strange way. The Monsters have them totally under control, though. Fascinating.

I decided that it would be best to avoid the open areas, so I crept along through the bushes, finding things to eat here and there. This was really the outdoors! Finally I was in the Great Outer World that I had heard so many rumours of during my months spent living in cages. I encountered a mole, and stopped to ask directions. He turned out to be fairly friendly, if cautious at first. He advised me to beware of Cats and Owls. He said there are many of them about. I believe it. I could smell the Cat trails. The Owls are some kind of very fierce bird that swoops down suddenly and grabs you when you least expect it. Keeping this in mind, I kept expecting it all the time. This made for a nervous night, I can tell you, but I stayed hidden in the bushes as much as possible.

Presently I found a neat hiding place under a wooden structure of some kind, and began preparing a nest. A Hamster must always be ready to rough it when lost in the wilderness. The dew on the grass served very well to quench my thirst, and reminded me that dewdrinking is the original Hamster method for finding one's nightly supply of water. I recommend it. Dew is very fresh and vitalizing, better than water that has been standing in a container.

When the next day came I was safe and secure in my new nest, but I was worried about Zoe, and feeling regrets about getting lost in the great unknown. I really should not have gone into the catacombs at all. Pride and folly, that's what it was. I'll know better next time.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Corridus
Date: 11 May 04 - 11:45 AM

In my brief sojourn in the Great Outdoors I became aware of a number of things.

1. It's a very big world.
2. There are a lot of Cats prowling it at night. This is too bad, because hamsters also like to prowl at night.
3. There is an overpopulation of human Monsters and it is threatening to engulf the world as we know it. Something should be done about it very soon.
4. Rodents are still flourishing regardless, but hamsters are not common in the Great Outdoors, at least not around here.

Having returned before dawn, I was rudely awoken a couple of hours later by a sharp, ugly, repetitive sound. I looked out from under my shelter. There was a big, snuffling, fluffy, ridiculous looking creature trying to get under and catch me. It kept making the loud yapping sounds over and over again. What a racket! It could smell me, of course. I noticed that because it kept sniffing loudly and then yapping. I could smell it too. Yuck. It stank horribly.

"Muffy! SHUT UP!" yelled some human Monster, but "Muffy" kept on yapping and yapping and yapping. I clicked my teeth idly at the unpleasant creature and stayed safe under my shelter. The human kept calling and Muffy kept yelling for some time, but she didn't say anything worth repeating...

I have to describe the fur on this bizarre creature. It was extremely curly and formed little balls around the ankles and head and so on...long in some places and short in others. Furthermore it had pink overtones. I've never seen an animal with pink fur before. Incredible.

Muffy got more and more hysterical. Finally the human Monster came and took a look, pushing Muffy to one side. I beheld a young human Monster, half-grown, wearing a baseball cap and a black T-shirt with "Korn" written on it, and really baggy pants. He had a cunning look that I didn't like, and his eyes lit up when he saw me. After taking a good look he dragged Muffy away, struggling and protesting. In moments he returned. I tried to flee as he reached in, but he caught me. I attempted to bite, but he was wearing gloves and he dumped me in a bag. Not another bag! I'm sick of bags.

A minute later I was dropped unceremoniously inside an old and rather dirty cage, with an exercise Wheel and a water bottle with stale water in it.

"I've gotta go to school now, but I'll be back later!" he said, with a grin. I was left alone, disheveled and disgruntled, in a third-rate old cage that has had God knows how many other occupants, judging by the smell.

Why can't human Monsters just mind their own business?


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,dido
Date: 11 May 04 - 11:53 AM

mostly because the general run of Homo sapiens is psychotic and immmature; and that's the ADULT members of the species.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Corridus
Date: 11 May 04 - 12:37 PM

I agree completely.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,The Crumblin - Intelligence Section
Date: 11 May 04 - 10:41 PM

Comrade roaches,

The recent developments between the fascist rat and the capitalist hamster have had far reaching consequences to our own motherland. Several of our outposts were destroyed by the humans in an attempt to assassinate the rat after his encounter with the hamster. While we would normally welcome any intervention that would cause the destruction of our hated fascist enemy who has caused the death and destruction of so many of our comrade brother and sisters, it will take some time to recover from the loss of the outposts.

It is in our favor that news of the impending doom preceeded the combatants and the areas of their battel were evacuated of all non-essential personnel. We have been lax as of late in allowing our personnel manning the outposts to bring their families along. Had they not been evacuated the families might have been decimated and had this happened surely their bodies would have caused the humans to pour their vile gasses into our motherland in a pitiful attempt to exterminate our historical dialectic.

The rat lays broken and barely alive at the bottom of the ventilation shaft. I believe comrades that we have seen the last of this menace. The whereabouts of the hamster are currently unknown. Look outs are reminded to keep a sharp watch and report his presence if detected.

That is all -

To the Glory of Our Motherland!


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 12 May 04 - 09:36 PM


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 13 May 04 - 08:15 AM

see? The intrepid tales of Corridus have knocked JOhn speechless!


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Corridus
Date: 13 May 04 - 05:30 PM

Before the immature human Monster returned (and I wish to emphasize the word "immature" in his case) I got to meet some of his other prisoners. There are two gerbils here and a very nervous guinea pig, as well as a lizard that refuses to talk, three frogs, and a harried-looking rabbit. All of the other prisoners are incarcerated here in cages, and they have told me terrible tales of the perverse habits of the human Monster. His name is Tyler, but we call him the Rich Kid, because he can afford to enslave many animals. He takes his slaves out and does horrible things with them, such as putting them in little radio-controlled vehicles and racing them around at horrendous speeds, resulting in some fatal crashes. Five previous hamsters have met a miserable end to amuse the Rich Kid, according to Ruffles. Ruffles is the rabbit.

The dog, Muffy, appears to be working on security here, since she is at large to roam around as she pleases. She spends quite a bit of time in the Rich Kid's cave, trying to get into our cages. Everybody hates Muffy with a passion. She stares into the cages with her buggy little marble-like eyes almost popping out and whines and drools and carries on. Then she tries to break the bars, but has not succeeded. Muffy is a breed of dog called a poodle, and she's a babbling idiot. She has murder on her mind, but appears to be pretty inefficient at accomplishing it I am happy to report.

The Rich Kid has a Mother, who is a large, nagging woman with hair on her head that appears to have been varnished or something. It never moves or changes. She dotes on Muffy the poodle and talks baby talk to the filthy creature. Sooner or later she drags Muffy away and shuts the door, so we get a little peace and quiet until the Rich Kid comes home...and then the "fun" begins.

Fun for him and not for us, I might add.

We are trying to figure out how we can all gang up and kill him and the dog, and maybe his Mother too. It won't be easy.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,earthling
Date: 13 May 04 - 06:26 PM

Just remember " The poodle bites, the poodle chews it."

Maybe the "it" was a hamster?


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 20 May 04 - 12:53 PM

Nothing since May 13! Is this the end for our hero..?


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Charley Noble
Date: 20 May 04 - 08:21 PM

Dave-

But the hamster came back,
We thought he was a goner;
The hamster came back the very next day;
The hamster came back,
He couldn't stay no longer,
Yes, the hamster came back,
On the very next day!

Charley Noble


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: JudyB
Date: 15 Jun 04 - 09:06 PM

Well, when last we heard from our intrepid hero, he was researching plot elements for his next novel, "20,000 Seeds Under the Sea" - is he now in the midst of a triumphant tour of book stores around the world, or is he all wet? Inquiring minds want to know!

And while I would never judge the reliability of a whole species on the basis of a few folk songs, I do have some concerns about the reliability of his faithful companion, Freddy the White Rat....

JudyB


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: JudyB
Date: 26 Jun 04 - 10:19 PM

Hey, Freddy - assuming you are indeed a rat of a different color than Slythy, would you please provide an update? And thanks for letting Corridus use your laptop for his last post!


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Charley Noble
Date: 27 Jun 04 - 10:54 AM

Not even a whisker of a post...it don't look good.

Charley Noble


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 29 Jun 04 - 08:31 AM

I suspect Corridus is just in the throes of wrestling with his muse (sounds like fun, doesn't it?) and will emerge again.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Freddy the White Rat
Date: 29 Jun 04 - 04:27 PM

Freddy The White Rat

I have to report that our deranged adolescent persecutor has taken Corridus to the park today and intends to send him aloft in the "Helldiver", a radio-controlled stunt plane. The Helldiver's
predecessor came to a sudden and spectacular end last August, when it did a vertical nosedive into the ground at some unbelievable speed and atomized itself, along with the late Hanley the Gerbil, a rodent who has been sorely missed by his grieving friends. Nothing was found but one of his teeth and a bit of scorched hair. I fear for the worst. The Helldiver is one of those planes that has 2 wings instead of one, and it's made to go fast and do fancy maneuvers, but the Kid is a reckless controller. He has lost numerous radio-controlled planes before this one, and his
Mommy Monster always buys him new ones to replace them. Each plane that he has lost has taken a good friend of mine with it! I also had a friend who died a no doubt hideous and slow death at the bottom of a muddy pond in a submarine that malfunctioned and never came back up.

The Kid is a harbinger of Death. I hope that he one day experiences the sheer terror he has inflicted on so many others so heedlessly! Muffy the Poodle will be going along, hoping to devour Corridus's miserable remains in the event of a crash.

The Kid figures that Corridus is "lucky" because he has already survived so many other moments of mechanized madness, such as the diving U-Boat, the Monster Truck, the "Road Rage" course, the Moon Rocket, the Jet Boat, and the Parachute Cannon. The Helldiver is the ultimate risk, and I fear the Kid is reaching a point of mania that can only end in another untimely death.

We must try to do something to help Corridus. I'm thinking, but I am at a loss for what to do. If only I was larger!

- Freddy


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Charley Noble
Date: 29 Jun 04 - 04:50 PM

Oh, no, not the Helldiver!

Charley Noble


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: JudyB
Date: 29 Jun 04 - 09:26 PM

Hmmm -

I remember a time one of our cats (Teji, actually, who also serves as the noble steed for the Rodent Responders) chased a squirrel up a very short tree that was not near any other trees. Usually, when Teji chases a squirrel up a tree, the squirrel just runs out one of the thin branches and jumps to another tree, leaving Teji rather frustrated (or slightly flat, if she tries to run out the thin branch too). This time, however, Teji clearly had the squirrel cornered.

However, as Teji started up the tiny tree, the squirrel jumped on to Teji's head, ran down her back and disappeared across the lawn. Teji didn't even chase the squirrel - she was clearly in a state of shock.

I mention this because, while it does not look good at the moment, it is possible that an ingenious adventurer such as Corridus might find a way to turn this situation to his advantage. I don't know much about the internal workings of a Helldiver - could someone seize control of the steering mechanism if he could gnaw through some wires? What would happen if the plane suddenly started swooping down on Rich Kid and Muffy the Poodle? Would they be driven to hide in Murky Pond? Am I getting ahead of the plot line?

What will happen to our fearless (or hapless) hero?

Thank you, Freddy, for the update. We wait eagerly for further news....

JudyB

P.S. The moon rocket?? Has Corridus boldly gone where no hamster has gone before...?


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Corridus
Date: 30 Jun 04 - 10:50 AM

I am still here, having survived a hellish half hour or so in the Helldiver yesterday afternoon! As usual the Rich Kid had gloves on and he forced me into the cockpit where I was trapped and helpless beneath a transparent plastic cover. Then he started the engine! The noise was almost beyond belief...a sheer wall of mechanical sound that battered the ears in an insane cacophony. The plane started to shudder and bounce its way rapidly across the grass, then suddenly took to the air and climbed in a sickeningly rapid spiral. I felt my stomach lurch to the G-forces. The horrors were only beginning! The barrel roll! The loop-de-loop! The spit-S! The flat spin!

The weird thing was that after awhile, having resigned myself to a certain death, I began to almost enjoy the exhilaration of flight. I started observing how the control wires worked, and I am hatching an idea of sorts, assuming I go up again in the Helldiver.

It's given me some more great ideas for my new story "20,000 Seeds Under the Sea". I am going to give the submarine a seaplane and work that into the plot.

This is assuming I live to publish "20,000 Seeds Under the Sea"...

Have been discussing armed revolution here with Freddy and the other inmates. Something must be done soon.

Thanks to Freddy again for the use of his laptop.

- Corridus


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 01 Jul 04 - 09:34 AM

Be of stout heart Corridus. The well-wishes of the Mudcat go with you - (and people can testify they DO make a difference!)


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Charley Noble
Date: 02 Jul 04 - 09:47 AM

Once again our hero comes through! I was really worried that Corridus would go down in flames like the Red Baron. There has got to be some way to block the Rick Kid's radio controller. Maybe we could send out the Rodent Rapid Response Flying Squad with a cellphone.

Charley Noble and the Rodent Mariners


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 02 Jul 04 - 10:05 AM

perhaps Corridus could line the area around the receiver with buble gum wrappers - the metallic portion? Wouldn't that help block the radio waves?


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Corridus
Date: 02 Jul 04 - 12:04 PM

It is apparently a "holiday weekend" coming. This is not good. It means that Tyler the Rich Kid will have more time on his hands than usual, and will be looking for "entertainment". We are his entertainment, meaning me, Freddy the White Rat, Ruffles the rabbit, Hank the Lizard, and the one surviving Gerbil, De Lancey.

Muffy the Poodle has been prowling around all morning trying to figure out how to murder us. As usual the idiot can't get into our cages. A good thing. I hope that Muffy soon runs afoul of a very large and mean dog like a Rotweiler. If her buggy little eyes stick out any farther I fear they will fall out of her head and start rolling around on the floor like marbles.

Yes! I'm talking about you, Muffy, you piece of decaying excrement! Go away!

The Rich Kid slightly damaged the landing gear on the Helldiver, and it has to be repaired. I think he's working on it now.

Freddy and I are working on a plan of our own. I have found a way to open the latch on Freddy's cage. If Muffy would just go away, then I could do it. Leave, you filthy creature, leave!!!

I shall have to ignore her and pretend to be asleep.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: JudyB
Date: 08 Jul 04 - 12:02 PM

I'm hoping no news is good news....

Did Muffy ever leave? Could Freddy, once released, free the other inmates and lead them to safety? Is the noble band now making its way to the nearest internet cafe?

Or is this silence the result of something more sinister? Only time will tell....


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 08 Jul 04 - 12:05 PM

Can't you just hear the background music getting more and more ominous? (hmmmm- I wonder if anyone has the movie rights to Corridus' work yet?)


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: JudyB
Date: 28 Jul 04 - 03:53 PM

Almost a month since we've heard from our intrepid hero. Maybe he's just too busy with his next book to tell us what's happening. Maybe - but I'm getting a bad feeling about this.... Freddy or DeLancey or Hank or Ruffles or someone - do you have any news?


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST
Date: 28 Jul 04 - 04:04 PM

Maybe he's estivating? (the summer equivilant of hibernation) - unless of course he's in Oz - in wihc case he could be hibernating...


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: JudyB
Date: 31 Jul 04 - 03:54 PM

You may be right. I was looking back, and Corridus began his travels in mid January - prime time for hibernating in the Northern Hemisphere. It's now about six minths later, so it may be time for him to take a bit of a break. And he was getting ready to curl up and pretend to be asleep the last time we heard from him. I've never tried hibernating or estivating (at least in the biologically-driven sense) so I've no idea how powerful the urge is when the time comes. I have this vision of Rip Van Hamster with a long, long beard....


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: DougR
Date: 01 Aug 04 - 01:47 PM

Sounds to me as if John Kerry could have taken care of any Hamster situations that may have arisen. Anybody call him in?

DougR


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Charley Noble
Date: 01 Aug 04 - 08:09 PM

Doug-

Do you mean New Hampster? I think Judy's primarily interested in the old one.

Charley Noble


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: DougR
Date: 01 Aug 04 - 09:02 PM

No, Charlie, I was referring to the heartwarming story John Kerry's daughter related at the DNC convention in Boston last week. Her Hamster, in it's cage, slipped from her fingers and fell from the boat into the fearsome waters of the Atlantic Ocean. The mudcat's hero, John Kerry, dove into the water without thought to his own safety and rescued the little critter. Even gave it life-saving resperation.

DougR


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Corridus
Date: 01 Aug 04 - 09:25 PM

Well, bravo for John Kerry! He will definitely be getting my vote. That rotten pscychotic maniac George Bush has never done a thing to help rodents.

I am happy to report that after desperate and hair-raising adventures I have survived, and am well and happy. My 2nd book, "Seeds of Sin" is about to hit the presses! I obtained invaluable experiences in my unwise adventures outside in the Big World, which were precipitated by my foolish desire for vengeance on my old opponent, Measle the Mouse. In this regard I was as foolish as George Bush, in fact, who pursued a similarly unwise course in regards to Saddam Hussein and Iraq. I blush to admit it, but I have been chastened by suffering the consequences of my idiotic actions.

I am sorry to report that Measle came to a bad end recently. He was found nearly decapitated by a mousetrap! A fiendish device! I am genuinely sorry that it happened. I now recall how Measle and I fled together in fear from that horrible rat, made brothers for a brief moment by a common danger. "Run!" he yelled to me. Alas! Now Measle is gone forever. The possibility of transforming a deadly enemy into a friend has been irretrievably lost, and I must bear the sorrow of it. Poor Measle has gone where no mousetraps or rats can harm him anymore.

I am getting choked up now...

I must sign off and return later. Oh, the tragedy of a life cut short! (sob)


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Corridus
Date: 02 Aug 04 - 12:30 AM

Sorry, I meant "Seeds of Sin II (The Wheel of Destiny)". "Seeds of Sin" was my first book. I am also working on an epic called "20,000 Seeds Under the Sea" about a rodent submariner. It promises to be very suspenseful.

It seems that Measle ran afoul of the insidious Mousetrap while attempting to raid the food stores (once again). I thought he knew about Mousetraps. It's very sad. Slithey the Rat is rumoured to have died also of his wounds, but no one knows for sure. Benton W. Fender, the maniac with the shotgun, is running for Congress on the Liberty Party ticket. I've seen his posters. They say "Vote Bent Fender for Liberty in America! Freedom or Death!!!".

He tried to shoot down my airplane. He thought it was a terrorist attack vehicle of some kind. I hope he is soon arrested and put in a secure mental facility. All his neighbours share my hopes. He is not popular here. The Blue Meanies have been keeping a close eye on him, I hear.

Did I mention that I have been reunited with Zoe?! A poignant moment. She cried. It is wonderful to feel truly loved, even by a radically different species that is 10,000 times one's own body weight. Freddy the White Rat is also living here now, and has his own cage. Zoe likes Freddy very much. Freddy is co-writing "20,000 Seeds Under the Sea" with me, because he knows a lot about machines and that sort of thing. He has proven to be a loyal friend and adventuring companion. I have warned him about Mizzenchip the Orange Cat and Slithy the Sewer Rat. Freddy saw Mizzenchip through the window. "That's a natural born killer," he said. Mizzenchip saw Freddy too, and he hung around for some time at the window, but he couldn't get in. Perhaps Bent Fender will decide that Mizzenchip is a terrorist and shoot him. One can always hope.

(Mizzenchip regards Bento Fender with lofty disdain, verging on vague disgust, but that's Mizzenchip's attitude towards everyone, I think.)


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: JudyB
Date: 02 Aug 04 - 09:41 AM

But...but...but - how did you and Freddy escape from the Rich Kid? How did you find Zoe again? Your airplane?? Can't you provide your faithful readers here a bit of a preview of the adventures to be found in "Seeds of Sin II" and "20,000 Seeds Under the Sea"?

I am glad to hear that you are well and happy, and sorry to hear about Measle - as you said, it's especially sad when one loses both an acquaintance and an opportunity for friendship.

But what's the rest of the story of your escape and return to Zoe's?


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Charley Noble
Date: 02 Aug 04 - 11:37 AM

At least we managed to smoke Corridus out!

There's nothing like "happiness" to disuade one from posting on Mudcat.

And, Doug, I'm pleased to learn that you were glued to the screen the other night to catch Kerry's daughter telling the wonderful story of her father diving in to save her hamster; I've been thinking that I might compose a ballad, although the daughter did admit that her hamster was never quite the same again. I wonder what Bush's daughters will come up with to top this story. Wasn't there a story about GWB as a child pulling wings off horseflies?

Cheerily,
Charley Noble


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: MMario
Date: 05 Aug 04 - 02:12 PM

well - being in the throes of publishing one novell and the creation of another explains why Corridus doesn't have time for us...


But I have wondered - Corridus - are you a musical hamster? what drew you to the Mudcat Cafe in the first place?


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Corridus
Date: 05 Aug 04 - 10:44 PM

I have fairly eclectic tastes in music, Mario. I went through a stage where I loved the Kingston Trio, specially the song about the man who got trapped on the MTA in Boston. It's great! I later found out about the old Alvin, Simon and Theodore chipmunk records and those were great too. I like early Joan Baez. I found out about this forum kind of by accident, though. I could see right away that there were kindred souls here who could relate to the challenges faced by a rodent in today's society.

I will presently tell the story of our escape from Tyler, the Rich Kid. Freddy was a huge help in accomplishing that. Right now I am too loaded down with work. Busy, busy!


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST
Date: 06 Aug 04 - 08:43 AM

bet he plays the hamstered dulcimer!


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: JudyB
Date: 06 Aug 04 - 01:21 PM

I love my Hamster with an H because he is handsome,
I hate him with an H because he is horrid;
He eats hamburgers with horseradish,
He's a horticulturalist and lives in a hut in Hastings;
He drives a Honda and likes to throw horseshoes.

Cheerily,
Charley Noble


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Harriet Foxe
Date: 27 Aug 04 - 11:19 AM

Dear Sir or Madam:

   We regret to inform you that if you persist in referring to your writing as 'Wheel Of Destiny' we will be forced to bring action against you as that title is currently copyright by Akasha Publishing.



Harriet Foxxe


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Corridus
Date: 27 Aug 04 - 11:32 AM

Oh, piffle. You don't scare me. Titles cannot be copyrighted. Go away.

I have been working away on the new books. Freddy is busy working on his electronic inventions. Mizzenchip has been seen at the window again, but he went away after awhile. Benton W. Fender is running for President and driving everyone crazy around here. I hope the Blue Meanies come and take him away again.

Corridus


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Chief Chaos
Date: 27 Aug 04 - 01:40 PM

I recently read a book about Chinese studies of linguistics in rodents.

It was titled:

"Mouse Say Tongue"


I'm Baaaack!


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Charley Noble
Date: 28 Aug 04 - 01:12 PM

GROAN

May the cat bite your tongue off!

Charley Noble


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: JudyB
Date: 06 Oct 04 - 08:32 PM

You know, Corridus, it's been almost two months since you promised to tell us the tale of the great escape. I realize there are lots of tales being told these days, and you may still be a bit on the busy side - but someday I would like to hear how you and Freddy got away....


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST
Date: 07 Oct 04 - 01:30 PM

rewind the excercise wheel


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Corridus's Secret Christmas Hamster
Date: 10 Nov 04 - 11:07 AM

helloo?


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: JudyB
Date: 10 Nov 04 - 11:45 AM

Well, it would be nice if Corridus would at least tell us that he survived the General Election.

Charley Noble at play while JB is away


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Cluin
Date: 10 Nov 04 - 02:48 PM

Did he survive?

Or was he an article in this magazine?


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Little Hawk
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 01:29 AM

That is an OUTRAGE!!! If anything will get Corridus back online, that should do it.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Charley Noble
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 02:15 PM

Hamster hunting! Leaping lizards, what will they think of next?

Charley Noble


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Corridus
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 12:36 PM

I am really disgusted by that awful magazine! It is an outrage, as Little Hawk said!!! Ridiculous! Vile! Insulting! Nonsensical!

Well, I am just going to ignore it and move on.

The News around here: The election is over (thank heavens!) and our insane neighbour the militia-man, Benton W. Fender, got himself arrested again contesting the results. He feels that the Freedom Now Party (his party which wants to either blow up the rest of the world or wall it off permanently) was artificially shut out of the process by a controlled media. He had converted his apartment into an armed fortress and declared war on George Bush, the IRS, the police, the FBI, the Justice Department, the United Nations, Oprah Winfrey, all Muslims, and most "non-whites" (whatever that means).

It got quite exciting after he did that. He issued a New Declaration of Independence on the weekend and holed up in his apartment with the other 3 people in his party to wait for reinforcements to pour in from faraway places like Idaho and Alabama. An amazing number of Blue Meanies (police) arrived then. We and the other residents evacuated the building and gathered outside on the lawn while the Blue Meanies began making demands with loudspeakers.

Benton W. Fender made counterdemands with his own loudspeaker and played Beethoven, I think. Very loud. It was impressive, but I had the feeling that he had taken on more than he could chew this time.

Well, they yelled and negotiated till about 3 pm on Sunday, and then someone fired a shot and all hell broke loose. Benton W. Fender's apartment looks like a swiss cheese now, all full of holes. It was really a spectacle. They used tear gas and guns and they even had a black helicopter buzzing overhead making a fiendish noise. Dreadful. It reminded me of my flying days.

Benton W. Fender and his party members responed with rocket fire, hand grenades, gunshots, and a thing they launched out the window that looked like a giant banana. It took an erratic course into the air, veering this way and that, while the Blue Meanies ran around yelling and shooting at it. It made a sort of rude sound....like a PLF-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-PPP--GG-F-PTT! Then it exploded, and showered the Blue Meanies with something that looked like banana custard. What a mess. They were really mad about that.

Not long after that Benton W. Fender's 3 friends gave up and surrendered. They ran out waving white flags. I felt kind of sorry seeing him abandoned like that and all alone. Finally the Blue Meanies smashed in his door and managed to capture him alive. They dragged him off screaming "Liberty or Death".

I don't think he'll be back for a year or so this time. That's my guess. Things are going to be much quieter around here.

I saw my archenemy, THE CAT, while out on the lawn, but I was safe in my cage along with my friend Freddy the White Rat. Zoe was keeping an eye on us.

I am really getting a bit old for this sort of excitement, so I am glad that things are quieting down here now.

I also saw the Rich Kid from a distance. He is getting bigger and taller and nastier than ever. That's not good. I fear that he may one day become President of the United States. If so, it will be a black day!


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Cluin
Date: 13 Nov 04 - 03:12 AM

pssst! It's not a real magazine.... just a Photoshop joke.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,hamsterettes
Date: 31 Mar 05 - 11:21 AM

we miss you corridus


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Charley Noble
Date: 31 Mar 05 - 01:03 PM

So true. It's not just the hamsters. The whole world has gone mad!


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: JudyB
Date: 07 Apr 05 - 09:30 PM

The world has gone a bit mad. It would be nice to hear that you and Freddy are OK....


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Corridus
Date: 07 Apr 05 - 10:14 PM

Hello! It's nice to be remembered by friends out there in cyberspace. "20,000 Seeds Under the Sea" has netted me a great deal of attention out there in the world of literate rodents, and things are going very well. I am happy to report that I now have progeny! Several of them. I have done my duty and passed on my genes to the future generations. Yes, one of my most ardent fans, Letitia, has become my loving partner, and has moved into Zoe's cave. She has her own cage. She is an adorable and determined creature, typical of the best in female hamsters. I plan to have many more progeny as soon as possible.

Meanwhile Freddy's genius for invention continues to astound. We have had several hair-raising adventures in a gas-powered airplane which Freddy converted from radio control to manual, from inside the cockpit. It has a double cockpit with a rear observer and bombardier position. It was from that very position, as Freddy flew the plane, that I succeeded in bombing The Cat, Mizzenchip, with an explosive device called a cherry bomb. Ha! You should have seen him jump when it went off. All his orange hair stood up on end. We proceeded to chase him all over the place, making low strafing runs. Freddy has mounted twin BB caliber guns in the fuselage, powered by compressed air, and an interruptor gear so we don't shoot our own propellor off, of course. Mizzenchip was finally driven to flee into a drainage pipe. Ha! Ha! Ha! Sweet revenge is ours, after months of terrorism on the part of that filthy feline. He barely dares show himself outdoors anymore.

The Rich Kid, meanwhile, has attempted to shoot us down, and is on a vendetta against us. He put a couple of holes in the plane with his pellet gun. He's bigger and even meaner than before. Freddy wasn't going to let him get away with that. We did a split S at a couple of hundred feet and came down on him, firing in steady bursts. It was a game of chicken. He was backing up slowly, glaring at us through his sunglasses, and popping off shot after shot, and not looking at where he was going, which is why he fell in the swimming pool down at the park. I depthcharged him with a couple of cherry bombs as we flew over. Pow! Pow! That put a monkey wrench in his goozle.

Alas, the Rich Kid is hard to destroy completely, and I expect he will be back for more. His mummy will probably buy him some upgraded armaments. Freddy is going to armour the airplane in the vital areas.

The Rich Kid's mummy called the police, so I hear, but they refused to believe that rodents can fly airplanes. They think the Kid himself is responsible, and have given him a warning not to fly his airplanes in the park or in public areas.

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Sometimes the lack of imagination typical of many human monsters can be a very convenient thing.

I now plan to write a book about a barnstorming hamster who flys all over the world, delivering secret documents and staging daring rescues in remote areas. I need to think of a good title for it.

Freddy sends his love to all!


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Charley Noble
Date: 08 Apr 05 - 08:37 AM

Corridus-

So good of you to post an update.

I can't help feeling a little anxious about the adventures you are planning, but I'm certainly pleased that you and Freddy have survived your latest round of encounters with Mizzenchip and the Kid. Indeed, they appear to have gotten the worst of it for a change.

And I'm pleased to hear that there is a new love in your life but it may be disappointing to some of your loyal fans if ALL she does is hang out in her cage being adorable and producing progeny...

With regard to the further adventures of "a barnstorming hamster," perhaps you could borrow a page from "Terry and the Pirates." Titles that come to mind for such a work include Corridus and the Flying Rat Fink, Vermin to the Rescue, The Rodent Flying Squadron, and Tales of the Rodent Aviators.

Cheerily,
Charley Noble


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 08 Apr 05 - 09:09 AM

Corridus - Letitia sounds like she's made you very happy - produce progeny prodidgiously! Maybe you can start your own Hamster baseball team?


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Corridus
Date: 19 May 06 - 03:30 PM

Hello! I am touched to hear that my human monster friends are concerned about my welfare...specially Charley Noble who is truly a noble human monster. One of the best.

Well, there have been a few changes around here. The most notable one: Mizzenchip, the murderous Feline, has disappeared! Yes! The filthy beast has been missing for 3 weeks. Yippee! His human monsters have put up posters begging anyone who sees him to report in, but no one has. They fear for the worst. Freddy and I hope for it. With any luck, Mizzenchip has given up his ninth and final life and will not be seen again.

He had become extremely furtive ever since we took to strafing him with the airplane, but he was still quite active after dark, lurking around and hoping to murder innocent rodents, and we don't fly the plane at night. Too hazardous. Landings are tricky as it is, and even Freddy does not trust himself to handle night landings.

Inspired by our flying exploits, I have published a rollicking tale of hamsters in the First World War, called "The Rodent Flying Squadron". (thanks to Charley Noble for that title suggestion) Our hero, Desmond, forms up a squadron of heroic hamsters to take on the Baron Von Rattwurst and his deadly Flying Circus over the wartorn Flander's Fields! Lots of action and romance in this one. Desmond survives being shot down by the Baron, but is captured by the Hun! He makes his escape from their clutches, being assisted by a lovely hamstress freedom fighter. A 20 day Oddyssey follows as Desmond must make his way back across the Allied lines, pursued by owls, rats, and the Kaiser's assassination squads of trained Schauzers! It's real nail-biting stuff, right to the last page. I won't reveal more...don't want to spoil the ending.

The Rich Kid has been changing quite a bit. He gets bigger all the time. Horrifying! Fortunately, he seems to be reaching the age where he is developing some interest in female monsters. This has distracted him a bit, and that's good. We hope to avoid his further attentions.

Things have been quiet, so I am thinking it would be good to go on a new adventure soon. I have to find some new mountain to climb. But what would it be? Hmmm. Well, maybe Freddy has an idea or two.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: MMario
Date: 19 May 06 - 03:37 PM

Schnauzer Squads! *shudder* I don't want to even contemplate what would have happenned if Desmond had fallen into the paws of the dreaded SS


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: GUEST,Corridus
Date: 19 May 06 - 08:46 PM

Well put, MMario. Schauzers are vicious creatures intent on killing any rodent they can apprehend. Awful things! They're noisy and hysterical too. It's not enough that they mean to sieze you and kill you, they must yell about it incessantly while hounding you to your doom. Ugh!

That reminds me of 'Muffy', that disgusting poodle. She belongs to the Rich Kid's rich mummy. She was yearning to get her snaggly teeth on me, but she never succeeded. She encountered Mizzenchip "The Cat" one time in the park, but had the sense not to attack him. She jumped ran around in a frenzy and yelled at him from a distance. He barely spared her a single, utterly contemptuous glance. Typical. It's a pity she didn't go for him, because Mizzenchip would have flayed her alive with his claws. Oooooo...I hate to think what Muffy would have looked like after that! Too bad Muffy still has that one working brain cell left. Ha! Ha!

We have been speculating as to what might have happened to Mizzenchip. He was very tough, but I hear that those gigantic things the human monsters roll around in when they want to go long distances are even tougher. Perhaps one of those got him. We'll probably never know.

I'd feel a lot safer knowing he really is gone for good.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: JudyB
Date: 23 May 06 - 02:50 PM

Hmmm. I don't really think Mizzenchip is clever enough to go into hiding for 3 weeks just to see if you'd let your guard down - that level of planning seems more likely in advanced species such as hamsters and white rats. Some tomcats do go on a sort of romantic pilgrimage or walkabout in the spring, checking to see if any interesting new female felines have moved into the neighborhood - depending on the size of the neighborhood and the number of potential dalliances, that could take him a number of days (or weeks). I'd advise caution for a while longer.

I have mixed feelings about the idea of your heading off on another adventure. It can be scary out there - but on the other hand, I really can't see you and Freddy as content to be sitting around the fireplace passing around a bottle of old Port Royal (or your drink of choice). "...Some new mountain to climb" - there do seem to be people who feel compelled to climb mountains for no other reason than the fact they're there. Freddy could probably convert the plane to some sort of cross between a float plane and a snowmobile - but all that effort just to get very cold seems a bit silly to me.

If, however, during your climbing or other exploration, you could prove (or disprove) the ancient hypothesis that Bigfoot is actually a large primordial hamster....

Whatever you do, please bring the laptop so those of us who lack your courage and spirit of adventure can at least follow along vicariously.

Best of luck with whatever you do!
JudyB


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Subject: RE: BS: Stir Crazy: A Hamster Goes Mad Slowly
From: Charley Noble
Date: 23 May 06 - 08:52 PM

So nice to get an update!

"The Rodent Flying Squadron" on the wing! What do you suppose they are flying? Would it be the Spad, the Nieuport, or the Sopwith Camel?

There can be little doubt that Baron Von Rattwurst is soaring away in one of those awesome Fokkers.

According to what I've read of World War 1 aviators, alcohol was an essential fuel.

Do watch out for the flak as you pass over the lines, and don't try shooting down one of the observation balloons; they are often set up as a trap for the unwary.

Cheerily,
Charley Noble


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