do you ever sleep?

Subject: To Joe Offer
From: Kevin Ryan
Date: 20 Sep 98 - 04:38 AM

Joe, Do you ever sleep? Seems like no matter what time it is, you pop up. One must look to one's health y'know.

Subject: RE: do you ever sleep?
From: Joe Offer
Date: 20 Sep 98 - 01:32 PM

Yup, just got up.....yawn......
But my boss might wonder if I ever work... Working at home on my computer, it's easy to stop for a Mudcat break every couple of hours - and it's much healthier than when I used to go out for cigarette breaks.
-Joe-

Subject: RE: do you ever sleep?
From: Dale Rose
Date: 20 Sep 98 - 01:41 PM

And here I thought someone wanted Do You Sleep? by Lisa Loeb!

Subject: RE: do you ever sleep?
From: rich r
Date: 20 Sep 98 - 01:51 PM

I think that Joe is not really a person but is actually an interactive database, or more precisely an anti-database (like matter/anti-matter or what's-the matter/doesn't matter). The database Joe obviously contains all the information that is not already in the DT. However, it only gets parcelled out when someone asks for it. It is a "do ask/do tell" system. That business about being a government worker is a ruse. Everyone knows that government workers don't know how to do computer tricks.

rich r

Subject: RE: do you ever sleep?
From: BSeed
Date: 20 Sep 98 - 09:34 PM

Jeez, how'm I ever gonna TP a data base? --seed

Subject: RE: do you ever sleep?
From: Helen
Date: 20 Sep 98 - 09:35 PM

Rich R,

I had the same idea. I read a science fiction book a couple of decades ago called The Ship Who Sang, by Anne McCaffrey, about a woman whose brain was connected to a space ship's computer so that she controlled the ship directly via her brain's activity. So, maybe Joe is strapped into some sort of high-tech contraption with cables and such plugged directly into his brain, and the database info just pops up onto the monitor screen as soon as he reads the threads.

We may never really know the full truth. ;->

Helen

Subject: RE: do you ever sleep?
From: John in Brisbane
Date: 20 Sep 98 - 11:28 PM

I now have a Dr Who mental picture of Joe AKA Davros, the malevolent genius who can control recalcitrants on the Mudcat with a cry of "Exterminate" to his Daleks.

Regards
John

Subject: RE: do you ever sleep?
From: Joe Offer
Date: 21 Sep 98 - 12:11 AM

Hey, how did we get talking about all this, anyhow????
-Joe-

Subject: RE: do you ever sleep?
From: John M
Date: 21 Sep 98 - 12:43 AM

I'm surprised that the people in here have not figured out what is radiantly obvious to me. JOE IS AN ALIEM !!!!!! And never forget To Serve Man turned out to be a Cookbook! Thank you Joe!!!!

Subject: RE: do you ever sleep?
From: Barbara
Date: 21 Sep 98 - 01:26 AM

You know, I've sometimes wondered, too, if Joe was an artifact in the machine, some stray bit of code that self-propigated, but I've also noticed that I post at some of the same times, and they show up on the threads with times like 3:31 AM on them.
But out here on the left coast, it's really only 12:31 AM at that point. So maybe he does sleep.
Blessings,
Barbara

Subject: RE: do you ever sleep?
From: BSeed
Date: 21 Sep 98 - 02:09 AM

John M.--I read that story a hundred years or so ago. Was it by Fredrick Brown? ..seed

Subject: RE: do you ever sleep?
From: Joe Offer
Date: 21 Sep 98 - 02:43 AM

Darn, that's going to bug me until somebody finds it. I found out that Rod Serling wrote the screen play for the "To Serve Man" episode of "Twilight Zone," but couldn't find the text or author of the original story. You'd think it would be available on the Web, but I couldn't find it.
-Joe Offer-

Subject: RE: do you ever sleep?
From: Joe Offer
Date: 21 Sep 98 - 03:21 AM

"To Serve Man" was written in 1950 by Damon Knight, and is available in various science fiction anthologies. As far as I can tell, the story is not available on the Web, but I'd sure appreciate a link if somebody finds one. Now I can sleep. G'night.
-Joe Offer-

Subject: RE: do you ever sleep?
From: kevin ryan
Date: 22 Sep 98 - 01:53 AM

And to think: I started all this!!!!!

Subject: RE: do you ever sleep?
From: BSeed
Date: 22 Sep 98 - 02:03 AM

Jeez, Kevin--how can you live with yourself? --seed

Subject: RE: do you ever sleep?
From: Frank in the swamps
Date: 22 Sep 98 - 02:14 AM

Actually, "Joe Offer" is the alias of a hundred year old mad scientist. Many decades ago he put a hundred chimpanzees in front of a hundred typewriters, and they anticipated EVERY QUESTION MANKIND WOULD EVER ASK!!

Frank in the sqwazisslsticks.

Subject: RE: do you ever sleep?
From: John M
Date: 22 Sep 98 - 08:41 AM

I think it was the very first Twilight Zone ! Joe was very upset when they translated his cookbook, but by then he had plenty of humans in stock . Now he has come back for more food . Sleep Tight !!!!

Subject: RE: do you ever sleep?
From: Alan of Australia
Date: 22 Sep 98 - 10:13 AM

G'day,
I reckon Joe is our "Superman of Cyberspace". Now if he can only help me to sing in tune, cure athlete's foot, understand women and get a really stable operating system he'll be just perfect.

Cheers,
Alan

Subject: RE: do you ever sleep?
From: Barbara
Date: 22 Sep 98 - 11:54 AM

Ah, Alan, you remind me of the man on the beach who finds a bottle, and is cleaning it off when - shazam - a genie appears and offers to grant one wish (times are hard, even wishes are getting devalued). After thinking a bit, the man says, "What I've always wanted is to go to Hawaii, but I'm terrified of air travel, and I get dreadfully seasick on even a canal. Could you build a causeway so I could drive there?"
This sets the genie back a bit. "I'm not sure we have the technology to do that," he says. "We couldn't float the whole thing, and concrete pillars to the ocean bottom, that's a prohibitive amount of cement...Is there anything else you want?"
The man contemplates this for a moment. "Yes,, there is," he says," I've always wanted to be able to understand women, you know what they're thinking and..."
The genie interrupts him. "Two lanes or four?"

On the other hand, if Joe could find the information on the internet, he probably could provide the answer.
Blessings,
Barbara

Subject: RE: do you ever sleep?
From: Bill D
Date: 22 Sep 98 - 08:01 PM

heck...I understand women! There's not much to it...all you have to do is...hey!! stop that!...no giggling allowed...(my wife is laughing at me) anyway...women, the major thing about women is that...*ooff*..she just hit me with a pillow!! What was THAT all about?? Durned female....how can I type with all this going on?? Guess I better tell her to throw another log on the fire and do the dishes so I can finish my explanation to the folk...now as I was saying, the way to understand women is to...#$7*c^^*??f9v8..uuuulllllkkkkkk...........

Subject: RE: do you ever sleep?
From: Max
Date: 22 Sep 98 - 08:19 PM

I take full credit. I programmed Joe Offer a couple of years ago. Turned out pretty well don't you think? He's our latest in Artificial Inteligence. Artificial Wit really...

To be honest, all but one of you is part of my program. Except I forget which one it is...

Subject: RE: do you ever sleep?
From:
Date: 23 Sep 98 - 11:38 PM

it is I..I am not programmed.*beep*

Subject: RE: do you ever sleep?
From: Ted from Australia
Date: 24 Sep 98 - 09:23 AM

To understand and get along with women: Follow The Rules: THE RULES

1. The Female Always makes THE RULES.
2. THE RULES are subject to change at any time without prior notice.
3. No male can possibly know all THE RULES.
4. If the Female suspects that the male knows THE RULES then,

"THE OTHER RULES" shall apply.

5. The Female is never wrong.
6. If it should happen that the Female is wrong, it will be because of a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male, deliberately and flagrantly, said or did wrong.
7. Should rule 6 apply the male shall immediately apologise for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The Female may , and frequently will, change her mind at any time that seems appropriate or not as the case may be.
9. The male shall not change his mind, save with written permission from two or more consulting Females.
10. The Female has every right to be upset, angry, tearful, headachy, furious, jealous, irate, resentful, incensed, suspicious, wrathful or sentimental without apparent, or any, cause at any time.
11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female requires that he be angry or upset.
12. The male must know R11 intuitively because the Female is expressly forbidden to tell him of her need for him to be angry or upset.
13. Any attempt by the male to document , or disseminate,

THE RULES

shall result in immediate Grievous Bodily Harm.
14. When the Female has P.M.T. THE OTHER RULES shall apply.
15.

Subject: RE: do you ever sleep?
From: Ted from Australia
Date: 24 Sep 98 - 09:26 AM

Ow! Ouch! Ow! Stop Please

Subject: RE: do you ever sleep?
From: Barbara
Date: 24 Sep 98 - 02:15 PM

Some of you guys are really into self abuse.[grin]
Well, whatever floats your boat, but leave me out of it.
Hey, Joe, did you notice we are picking on you anymore? Tho I think when Max claimed you as his Artificial Wit, he's got the other half of the program yet to write.
Blessings,
Barbara

Subject: RE: do you ever sleep?
From: Joe Offer
Date: 24 Sep 98 - 02:29 PM

Ah, Barbara, you never fail to confuse me. Is "half-wit" the word you're trying to pin on me now?
-Joe Offer-

Subject: RE: do you ever sleep?
From: Barbara
Date: 24 Sep 98 - 05:09 PM

Not you,Joe, just the version of JO98 that Max is trying to claim...

...unless you are the same...
Blessings,
Barbara

Subject: RE: do you ever sleep?
From: rich r
Date: 24 Sep 98 - 05:55 PM

To wit is the reciprocal of half-wit

rich r

Subject: RE: do you ever sleep?
From: Pete M
Date: 24 Sep 98 - 06:31 PM

Which is why owls are knowledgable birds.

Hey Max, I think I could do with a re-boot, I've got this terrible pain down my left side - could it be a diode??

Pete (just call me Marvin) M

Subject: RE: do you ever sleep?
From: Barbara
Date: 24 Sep 98 - 06:31 PM

As in "t'wit"?

Subject: RE: do you ever sleep?
From: Barbara
Date: 24 Sep 98 - 07:54 PM

Here' something a [male] said about men and women that makes sense to me. About the difference in the ways we "reason".

[She] was used to this. [Men] always argued as if they knew they had the forces of logic on their side, even when they were being completely irrational. Even when their "logic" defied the evidence.
[She quotes him saying something that contradicts himself.]
[He says:] "That's different."
[She thinks] Oh yes, let's redefine our terms to eliminate the contradiction. It drove [her]crazy, because after discussions like this, the [men] would turn around and talk about how [women] weren't reasonable, they were emotional, so you couldn't even have an intelligent discussion with them - but it was the [men] who fled from the evidence and constantly shifted their arguments to fit what they wanted to believe. And it was [she] who was ruthlessly realistic, refusing to deny her own feelings or the facts she observed around her. [She determined what she would do based on her gut feelings,]and only afterward constructed the arguments to support them. Only [men] were so foolish that they actually believed that their arguments were their reasons.

Orson Scott Card
Earthborn

Subject: RE: do you ever sleep?
From: kevin ryan
Date: 24 Sep 98 - 08:20 PM

Well, the only thing I can say to sum up my role in all of this is: It has long been put forth that certain things some of us may have injested in our youths lies waiting, like a sniper in ambush to exact its price on our "youthful indescretions". I think thjs is total nonsense. In fact... OH NO!!!!! NOT AGAIN!!!!! ITS CHANGING AND MOVING AND ITS REACHING OUT FOR ME!!!!!!OOOOOGOD! IT WANTS ME!!!!!NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!HELP MEEEEE!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! Whew! Glad that's over. Now, what was I saying?

Subject: RE: do you ever sleep?
From: Joe Offer
Date: 24 Sep 98 - 09:23 PM

Gee, Kevin, what experimental program has Max got running in you???
-Joe Offer-

Subject: RE: do you ever sleep?
From: kevin ryan
Date: 24 Sep 98 - 11:07 PM

Joe, Actually it's a sweet little cocktail consisting of Viagra, Vitamin A, and liquified Gold Bond Medicated Powder. Quite tasty, really, even if it DOES have some rather interesting side effects. until I started taking it, I was a strict Slim Whitman fan (that yodling is purely a gift from heaven). Now look at me: a folkie! At my age! Why, who ever heard of sech a t'ing? Anyway?

Subject: RE: do you ever sleep?
From: BSeed
Date: 25 Sep 98 - 02:59 AM

Ah, yes. Logical women.

My wife believes the evidence of her eyes regarding the gas gauge in her Honda. When it reads empty, she believes it is empty. I tell her there are still three gallons in the tank. We go to the gas station and fill the tank. It takes eight and a half gallons. I show her the owner's manual, which lists the tank's capacity as 11.9 gallons.

Actually, it all started one long weekend when we were heading to Monterey and Carmel from our home in El Cerrito, just north of Berkeley, via Danville, where we take our dogs for boarding. When we left home, the tank was a quarter full, according to the gas gauge. I assured her we had plenty of gas to get to the kennel and refused to stop and fill up. When we left the kennel, the needle was halfway between one quarter and empty.

She started insisting that I get gas, that it wasn't good for the car to run when the gas was low. I paid her no attention but headed up I-880 towards San Jose. By the time we got west of San Jose, heading for Santa Cruz, she was getting really antsy, but I was driving, and so on up the coast range. When we reached the summit, the needle was on the empty mark. Still I drove on. In and attempt to quiet her down, I told her I'd give her a hundred dollars if we ran out of gas before we got to Santa Cruz (we're now about a hundred miles from home), but she wasn't appeased, but kept muttering all the way into Santa Cruz and would hardly look at me when we parked outside the restaurant where we were meeting friends for lunch.

Lunch did her a world of good. She stopped talking about gas and enjoyed her lunch and the time with our friends. After a couple of hours (and a parking ticket) we headed back toward the highway, and I finally stopped for gas, the needle just below the E mark. I filled the tank. It took eight and a half gallons.

Two years after that demonstration, she still bugs me to stop to fill the tank if the needle drops below the quarter mark. --seed

Subject: RE: do you ever sleep?
From: BSeed
Date: 25 Sep 98 - 03:04 AM

I know it wasn't good enough to post three times. It just happened that way. --seed

Subject: RE: do you ever sleep?
From: Barbara
Date: 25 Sep 98 - 09:22 AM

Y'know seed, my husband's the same way about the gas tank. He fusses continually if I let it go below 1/4. Though he says there's a reason not to let the tank get down to the E. I guess if you're likely to get water in your gas, he's right.
It's taken me years to learn that when he starts making all these worried noises about how we're spending too much, it's based entirely on how much money there is in the checking account when the bank statement comes in.
But neither our expenses nor our income happen at the same time each month, so in the months where we've made several deposits last, we're flush, and the ones where we paid bills last, we're poor. Bottom line, though, I don't think either sex is particularly rational or reasonable. And it sure gives you something to talk about on long car trips, hey?
Blessings,
Barbara

Subject: RE: do you ever sleep?
From: Boo Bear
Date: 25 Sep 98 - 02:55 PM

Gosh, and I thought this was about music.

I am becoming educated, if not enlightened!

Subject: RE: do you ever sleep?
From: Boo Bear
Date: 25 Sep 98 - 02:58 PM

Gosh, and I thought this was about music. The world is a wonderful place!

Subject: RE: do you ever sleep?
From: Kathleen
Date: 25 Sep 98 - 03:14 PM

I would just like to say that I don't really understand what is going on in the Orsen Scott Card quote, therefore, I believe that it can't be from Barbara, but is in fact, a subliminal message from Joe trying to make us all forget that we've caught on to him

Later

Kathleen

Subject: RE: do you ever sleep?
From: BSeed
Date: 25 Sep 98 - 06:18 PM

Barbara, why don't we introduce our spouses--and then you and I can run off together? --seed

Subject: RE: do you ever sleep?
From: Roger Himler
Date: 25 Sep 98 - 06:38 PM

BSeed and Barbara,

According to Click and Clack the Tappet Brothers there is some minimal reason to keep some gas in your tank. In most late model cars, the gas pump is actually inside the gas tank. The gas in the tank assists in keeping this busy little motor cool by draining off the excess heat. The less gas, the less efficient it is in draining off heat and the more likely the little sucker is to burn out.

It would seem from this folk music thread (is no one in control here?) that there are two kinds of people in this world. Those that live on the edge and won't fill up until the car is running on fumes and those that seek safety in knowing that they have "enough gas" and never feel the adrenal rush of "running on empty" (finally a song title!!!!)

Me, I believe there are three kinds of people in this world. Those who can count and those who can't.

With love to all,

Roger in Baltimore

Subject: RE: do you ever sleep?
From: Martin Ryan
Date: 25 Sep 98 - 08:14 PM

To Wit? To who? A merry note!

... which brings us back to washing dishes!

Goodnight!

Regards

Subject: RE: do you ever sleep?
From: BSeed
Date: 26 Sep 98 - 03:40 AM

Roger, that's still just two kinds. Or four kinds. Are you one of those who can't count, or am I? --seed

Subject: RE: do you ever sleep?
From: Pete M
Date: 26 Sep 98 - 05:54 AM

Personally I think there are two kinds of people in the world, those who grow up to be mature responsible adults; and the rest of us.

Pete M

Subject: RE: do you ever sleep?
From: dwditty
Date: 26 Sep 98 - 06:12 AM

And he said to the Lord, "Make me an offer." And behold, Joe was born.

Subject: RE: do you ever sleep?
From:
Date: 27 Sep 98 - 06:36 AM

,