Lyr ADD: Administerium ... (Les Barker)

Subject: Lyr Req: les barker's administerium
From: fogie
Date: 27 Jan 04 - 04:51 AM

I've just bought "Guide cats-" and am very amused. I've tried Les' web site, and have found which book Administerium comes from- (I'm daunted by the number of books he's published ) but I've got to get some entertainment together for this week end for a retirement party for a hospital administrator, and if anyone can help out by already having a printed version of this it would help me considerably.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: les barker's administerium
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 28 Jan 04 - 04:44 AM

Subject: Lyr Add: ADMINISTERIUM ... UNCLEAR PHYSICS (Barker
From: Sooz
Date: 28 Jan 04 - 06:04 AM

Apologies for any hiccups with my ocr!

ADMINISTERIUM AND THE SCIENCE OF UNCLEAR PHYSICS (Les Barker)

The element Administerium originally had no protons, no electrons,
And only one neutron, but it grew
And now has 5 deputy neutrons, 17 vice neutrons,
120 deputy vice neutrons and 500 clerical neutrons too.

It grew by attracting morons,
Particles which tend to group,
Often in pairs called Scrotons
Which are sometimes found floating in soup.

But to speak of particles pairing
Is tautological, so to speak,
As the literal meaning of particle
Is part of a testicle; it's Greek.

Greek is the language of science,
As you may well realise;
As in 'Paramedics', who give general first aid,
And 'Parabolics' who specialise.

Administerium has a half life of two years,
But does not decay; it's been found
That it holds regular reviews,
During which Vice Neutrons move round.

Their motion follows the Theory of Relativity,
Which, as you will also realise,
States that the neutrons related to those at the top
Are the ones most likely to rise.

The moron too is active,
And can find a higher place on
Rolling up it's trouser leg,
At which point it becomes a mason.

At these times there are constant collisions;
Moron against moron will knock,
Creating what is known as Kinuseless Energy,
And one ion; the Ion the Clock.

Administerium expands to fill space and time
And, having filled a dimension
It is said to have reached its Critical Mess,
The time taken being the Inefficient of Expansion.

Any reaction in which Administerium is present
Will take ten times as long again;
The momentum involved can be shown on a graph
By a gradient; the Disinclined Plane.

Such momentum is measured on an unexpectroscope;
Momentum, to those who are dumb,
Can be explained as the split second
At which someone says "Um."

One property of Administerium,
Observed since man first found it,
Is its relationship with the element Conclusium;
It moves in an orbit around it.

And the rate at which it approaches
Is halved during each of its half lives,
So that every two years it gets halfway there
But never actually arrives.

The inert nature of Administerium
Has already briefly been happ'd on;
It belongs with the other inert gases;
Tedium, Xerox, Strollon, Righton and Krapton.

Its infinite capacity for reflection and retraction,
For rendering all things unable,
Was discovered by Mendeleev, the man who once said:
"I've got a Periodic Table."

It is a catalyst for the Zinc without Trace Elements;
antipathy, Bismal, and more
With compounds like Calcium Hibernate
And Ammonia Tillhalfpastfour.

It has created new concepts in maths;
in the sky;
No to the power of ten,
Or in scientific terms, Not bloody alkali.

The First Law of Unclear Physics,
As the study of this element of known,
Is that energy can neither be created nor destroyed;
Just saved till it's time to go home.

This sudden flow of energy,
First noted in Mendeleev's articles,
Was at first thought to be the release of Travel Ions,
But is in fact a stream of Accelerated Particles.

The Second Law of Unclear Physics
Is that like buses attract.
And by the time they achieve linear motion
They're all completely packed

This concept of magnetism in buses,
And their grouping in sixes, or more,
Is usually referred to in Unclear Physics
As Going Ohm's Law.

The Third and final Law states
No matter how much energy you spend,
No process involving Administerium
Is ever going to

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: les barker's administerium
From: Charley Noble
Date: 29 Jan 04 - 12:53 PM

Thanks, Sooz.

Charley Noble

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: les barker's administerium
From: GUEST,Fogie
Date: 30 Jan 04 - 04:03 AM

Many thanks Sooz ! I'll go and develop a German accent to go with it.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: les barker's administerium
From: Sooz
Date: 30 Jan 04 - 01:04 PM

Hope it goes down well!

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Administerium ... (Les Barker)
From: Joe Offer
Date: 04 Oct 21 - 03:16 PM

Pelagie did a wonderful performance of this at the Singaround today.

Subject: RE: Lyr ADD: Administerium ... (Les Barker)
From: leeneia
Date: 05 Oct 21 - 06:25 PM

Thank you for posting. I'm sending this to a friend enmeshed in power plays disguised as political correctness.

Subject: RE: Lyr ADD: Administerium ... (Les Barker)
From: GUEST,Peter Cripps
Date: 06 Oct 21 - 11:19 AM

Can anyone explain why Les is not on national television?