Lyrics & Knowledge Personal Pages Record Shop Auction Links Radio & Media Kids Membership Help
The Mudcat Cafesj

Post to this Thread - Sort Descending - Printer Friendly - Home


BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain

freda underhill 30 Jan 04 - 09:31 AM
GUEST,Natasha Smasher 30 Jan 04 - 10:59 AM
GUEST,Bleeding Gums Boris 30 Jan 04 - 11:23 AM
Mudlark 30 Jan 04 - 09:43 PM
LadyJean 31 Jan 04 - 12:49 AM
fat B****rd 31 Jan 04 - 04:56 AM
freda underhill 31 Jan 04 - 10:27 AM
Chief Chaos 31 Jan 04 - 10:25 PM
freda underhill 01 Feb 04 - 04:40 AM
Charley Noble 01 Feb 04 - 11:32 AM
freda underhill 02 Feb 04 - 02:46 AM
SINSULL 02 Feb 04 - 08:34 PM
Chief Chaos 02 Feb 04 - 10:58 PM
LadyJean 03 Feb 04 - 12:58 AM
freda underhill 04 Feb 04 - 08:45 AM
Micca 05 Feb 04 - 05:10 AM
GUEST,Tony Lair 05 Feb 04 - 11:02 AM
GUEST,amalia clawall 04 Apr 04 - 07:23 AM
Morticia 04 Apr 04 - 09:11 AM
freda underhill 04 Apr 04 - 10:16 AM
freda underhill 20 Apr 04 - 04:53 AM
GUEST,Ellenpoly 20 Apr 04 - 05:22 AM
Micca 20 Apr 04 - 06:49 AM
GUEST,Bleeding Gums Boris 20 Apr 04 - 09:45 AM
GUEST,amalia clawall 20 Apr 04 - 10:12 AM
GUEST,Natasha Smasher 20 Apr 04 - 10:20 AM
freda underhill 20 Apr 04 - 07:06 PM
Little Hawk 20 Apr 04 - 09:56 PM
GUEST,freda 21 Apr 04 - 02:47 AM
Little Hawk 21 Apr 04 - 03:30 PM
Michael 21 Apr 04 - 03:50 PM
GUEST,freda 21 Apr 04 - 11:11 PM
GUEST,Bleeding Gums Boris 22 Apr 04 - 07:57 AM
MC Fat 22 Apr 04 - 08:58 AM
jacqui.c 23 Apr 04 - 04:22 AM
GUEST,Bleeding Gums Boris 24 Apr 04 - 09:08 AM
GUEST,amalia clawall 24 Apr 04 - 09:32 AM
GUEST,Natasha Smasher 24 Apr 04 - 09:51 AM
freda underhill 24 Apr 04 - 10:02 AM
GUEST,amalia clawall 25 Apr 04 - 05:42 AM
freda underhill 28 Apr 04 - 07:52 AM
Little Hawk 28 Apr 04 - 08:03 AM
freda underhill 01 May 04 - 08:18 AM
Little Hawk 01 May 04 - 08:28 AM
freda underhill 01 May 04 - 08:33 AM
freda underhill 01 May 04 - 08:42 AM
freda underhill 01 May 04 - 08:54 AM
freda underhill 01 May 04 - 09:06 AM
freda underhill 01 May 04 - 09:41 AM
Little Hawk 01 May 04 - 07:08 PM
Little Hawk 01 May 04 - 09:15 PM
GUEST,Bleeding Gums Boris 03 May 04 - 08:20 AM
GUEST,amalia clawall 03 May 04 - 08:25 AM
freda underhill 03 May 04 - 08:36 AM
freda underhill 03 May 04 - 08:53 AM
Chief Chaos 03 May 04 - 01:03 PM
Chief Chaos 05 May 04 - 02:01 PM
freda underhill 15 May 04 - 03:31 AM
GUEST,Bleeding Gums Boris. 15 May 04 - 03:38 AM
freda underhill 15 May 04 - 07:50 AM
GUEST,Bleeding Gums Boris 15 May 04 - 08:05 AM
freda underhill 15 May 04 - 08:11 AM
GUEST,amalia clawall 15 May 04 - 08:19 AM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 15 May 04 - 02:38 PM
freda underhill 14 Jun 04 - 11:36 AM
Little Hawk 15 Jun 04 - 12:13 AM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 15 Jun 04 - 08:44 PM
Little Hawk 16 Jun 04 - 10:36 PM
freda underhill 17 Jun 04 - 10:38 PM
Little Hawk 18 Jun 04 - 07:50 AM
freda underhill 26 Jun 04 - 11:38 AM
Little Hawk 26 Jun 04 - 12:58 PM
freda underhill 26 Jun 04 - 08:02 PM
GUEST,amalia clawall 26 Jun 04 - 09:41 PM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 27 Jun 04 - 06:00 PM
Little Hawk 27 Jun 04 - 09:03 PM
Little Hawk 28 Jun 04 - 03:53 PM
freda underhill 28 Jun 04 - 08:15 PM
Little Hawk 29 Jun 04 - 12:47 PM
freda underhill 30 Jun 04 - 10:03 AM
freda underhill 30 Jun 04 - 10:26 AM
freda underhill 09 Jul 04 - 12:16 PM
freda underhill 09 Jul 04 - 11:43 PM
JennieG 10 Jul 04 - 09:55 PM
freda underhill 10 Jul 04 - 10:48 PM
GUEST,Bleeding Gums Boris 10 Jul 04 - 11:08 PM
Little Hawk 11 Jul 04 - 08:50 PM
freda underhill 14 Jul 04 - 09:10 AM
GUEST,amalia clawall 14 Jul 04 - 09:36 AM
GUEST,Lucavan 15 Jul 04 - 03:11 PM
freda underhill 15 Jul 04 - 07:31 PM
Once Famous 15 Jul 04 - 11:04 PM
freda underhill 18 Jul 04 - 04:39 AM
freda underhill 18 Jul 04 - 05:09 AM
freda underhill 18 Jul 04 - 05:57 AM
GUEST,bleeding gums boris 18 Jul 04 - 06:49 AM
GUEST,Natasha Smasher 18 Jul 04 - 07:06 AM
GUEST,amalia clawall 18 Jul 04 - 08:01 AM
freda underhill 18 Jul 04 - 08:28 AM
freda underhill 18 Jul 04 - 09:15 AM
John MacKenzie 18 Jul 04 - 01:11 PM
Little Hawk 18 Jul 04 - 08:07 PM
Little Hawk 18 Jul 04 - 09:54 PM
GUEST,amalia clawall 19 Jul 04 - 01:18 AM
GUEST,Natasha 19 Jul 04 - 03:58 AM
freda underhill 19 Jul 04 - 08:04 AM
freda underhill 19 Jul 04 - 09:30 AM
Little Hawk 19 Jul 04 - 12:21 PM
freda underhill 23 Jul 04 - 09:55 AM
freda underhill 23 Jul 04 - 10:15 AM
freda underhill 23 Jul 04 - 12:23 PM
Little Hawk 23 Jul 04 - 12:35 PM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 24 Jul 04 - 12:12 AM
freda underhill 24 Jul 04 - 03:43 AM
freda underhill 24 Jul 04 - 04:02 AM
freda underhill 24 Jul 04 - 04:17 AM
freda underhill 24 Jul 04 - 04:27 AM
freda underhill 24 Jul 04 - 10:05 AM
JennyO 24 Jul 04 - 12:29 PM
Little Hawk 24 Jul 04 - 12:59 PM
JennyO 24 Jul 04 - 01:14 PM
Little Hawk 24 Jul 04 - 01:26 PM
JennyO 24 Jul 04 - 01:31 PM
Little Hawk 24 Jul 04 - 01:32 PM
JennyO 24 Jul 04 - 01:41 PM
freda underhill 24 Jul 04 - 07:25 PM
JennyO 26 Jul 04 - 11:12 AM
freda underhill 28 Jul 04 - 10:49 AM
freda underhill 28 Jul 04 - 11:03 AM
freda underhill 28 Jul 04 - 11:34 AM
freda underhill 28 Jul 04 - 08:00 PM
JennyO 28 Jul 04 - 11:49 PM
GUEST,natasha smasher 29 Jul 04 - 04:50 AM
freda underhill 29 Jul 04 - 10:57 AM
GUEST,bleeding gums boris 29 Jul 04 - 11:16 AM
freda underhill 29 Jul 04 - 11:23 AM
jacqui.c 29 Jul 04 - 11:40 AM
freda underhill 29 Jul 04 - 11:46 AM
Little Hawk 29 Jul 04 - 12:50 PM
JennyO 29 Jul 04 - 09:58 PM
GUEST,bleeding gums boris 29 Jul 04 - 10:22 PM
JennyO 29 Jul 04 - 11:36 PM
GUEST,bleeding gums boris 30 Jul 04 - 01:12 AM
GUEST,amalia clawall 30 Jul 04 - 01:21 AM
freda underhill 30 Jul 04 - 08:08 AM
GUEST,amalia clawall 30 Jul 04 - 08:22 AM
SINSULL 30 Jul 04 - 12:57 PM
Little Hawk 30 Jul 04 - 05:02 PM
freda underhill 30 Jul 04 - 08:17 PM
freda underhill 30 Jul 04 - 08:30 PM
freda underhill 30 Jul 04 - 08:39 PM
freda underhill 30 Jul 04 - 08:46 PM
freda underhill 30 Jul 04 - 08:59 PM
Little Hawk 31 Jul 04 - 11:52 AM
freda underhill 12 Feb 10 - 06:43 PM
John MacKenzie 12 Feb 10 - 06:47 PM
Little Hawk 13 Feb 10 - 02:34 PM
Charley Noble 14 Feb 10 - 12:12 PM
freda underhill 15 Feb 10 - 02:50 AM
John MacKenzie 15 Feb 10 - 09:36 AM
freda underhill 22 Nov 18 - 06:45 AM
keberoxu 23 Nov 18 - 01:36 PM

Share Thread
more
Lyrics & Knowledge Search [Advanced]
DT  Forum
Sort (Forum) by:relevance date
DT Lyrics:













Subject: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 30 Jan 04 - 09:31 AM

A True Tail of Vampires, Villains, and Vice...

welcome to the land of the living dead and hear my sorry tale
of a cruel man who murdered me and feasted on my entrails....
I am the ghost of a sorrowful maid forced forever to roam the night
in limbo , never to rest again, imprisoned by death and fright

His name is Vladimir and he currently resides
in a waterfront mansion in Maine
I met him at the Mudcatter's Ball and remember that evening in pain
He charmed me with his flashing eyes and thrilled me with his .. smile
he ran his fingers through my hair and won me with his guile

I left my home to join this brute on one vile and foolish night
I joined him in his house of dreams to savour sweet delight
Little did I know that Vladimir did harbor secrets vile
I only saw his snowy skin, his lips and bloodred smile...

Inhaler? you ask.. my Vladimir was a snorter debonaire
The white powder that he inhaled did fuel his derriere
a Blinding Flash would fuel his rage a snort of coke or speed...

Calm down old boy I pleaded, Vlad,please, try a bit of weed....

I remember that night so vividly he came to the bed with a smile
I noticed his eyes were rather glazed but more of that in a while..
for there is a young maiden in danger of becoming his next new bride
I must try and warn her to keep away or there'll be another young woman who's died..


... Dead Wife

Can you rescue the next young victim?
add your voice to the tail, of Vladimir.... the inhaler...


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,Natasha Smasher
Date: 30 Jan 04 - 10:59 AM

she wandered in to the ballroom draped in black velvet lace
her steel blue eyes locked with his their lips locked in juicy embrace

her sisters watched in dismay, they thought he was darkly unnerving
get out of here quick, my Darling, he's drooling at the mouth and perving....

He's a control freak, he'll make you suffer
Can't I rip off those rose coloured glasses,
You're so sweet, you optimistic duffer
he could really make you suffer............


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,Bleeding Gums Boris
Date: 30 Jan 04 - 11:23 AM

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"

.......


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Mudlark
Date: 30 Jan 04 - 09:43 PM

Then slowly he did bare his teeth
And slowly he came nigh her
And all that he could think to say
Was dear bride, I am a liar

I am a prince, of royal rank
But a prince of darkness, I be
And you my dear, are but a sip
A draght that will delight me

A sip each night, to plump my cheeks
A sip at dawn for good measure
Then we'll sleep away the cursed bright day
Again rise at dark for pleasure


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: LadyJean
Date: 31 Jan 04 - 12:49 AM

The bottles stood empty all in a row.
The whiskey, the brandy, the wine and the gin
were gone with the beer. Oh, where did they go?
Why was our alcohol gone with the wind?

He came in the night, dressed all in black.
He came to our party, oh how could we tell?
He looked like a mortal, alas and alack!
Our party was crashed by a fiend straight from hell!

That creature of darkness, of nocturnal ooze
He's the reason our liquor is gone!
Count Drunkula came! he sucked up all our booze!
And vanished, like mist, in the dawn.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: fat B****rd
Date: 31 Jan 04 - 04:56 AM

Vlad The Inhaler...Ho ho. I like it.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 31 Jan 04 - 10:27 AM

the young one gazed to his bloodshot eyes
she looked to him like dinner
and clutched her tween his throbbing thighs
and sank his fangs right in her..

and slowly slowly he walked out
and slowly she did follow
unto his castle, tall and dark
his heart was cold and hollow....


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Chief Chaos
Date: 31 Jan 04 - 10:25 PM

Speaking of bats,

I watched a show the other night where they discussed secret weapons of the war. It seems that the U.S. gov't tried using small incendiary bombs tied to bats. They intended to keep them in refrigerated capsules that would keep them in "suspended animation" and drop the capsules from bombers over Japan. The bats would revive and fly off to roost under the wooden rafters of the Japanese buildings and then the incendiary would go off burning the place down. They suffered several casualties to the bats and containers and finally had a succesful test run with live bombs. UNfortunately instead of all of them stopping at the wooden target on the range some of them returned home to their bat house and burned it to the ground. They got one of the watch towers as well!


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 01 Feb 04 - 04:40 AM

its amazing how they think of using things for their military potential. I saw an article a few years ago about spider webs and how the US was experimenting with them to make bullet proof vests (apparaently they are very strong)..

fred


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Charley Noble
Date: 01 Feb 04 - 11:32 AM

I've read that Vladimir's castle is still a major tourist attraction in Romania. Since my family left that part of Romania in the late 1880's, I really don't know much about it and have been tempted to return for a visit. Still, it's probably wiser not to go back and rack over old bones so to speak. One never knows when strange reality will overwhelm romantic fantasy. Besides, there's far less competition for nocturnal dining here on the coast of Maine.

Tasty thread, fred!

Cheerily,
Charley Noble


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 02 Feb 04 - 02:46 AM

thanks again charley - but what this thread needs is a few nurses whoops sorry Kendall verses!

you've got the Romainian blood & all...

i think its time to introduce a few Mudcat caharcaters to this one...

free da vampires!


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: SINSULL
Date: 02 Feb 04 - 08:34 PM

Several Mudcat felines came
Their armpits long and hairy
Vlad inhaled their musky smell
And found the stench quite scary.

Some had eaten garlic wings
As Superbowl droned onward.
Some had knoshed on hummus paste
Pita bread and mustard.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Chief Chaos
Date: 02 Feb 04 - 10:58 PM

Has anyone else considered that in order to off a vampire you have to put a stake through his heart? I'm sure it's not coincidence that the original count was known as Vlad the impaler.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: LadyJean
Date: 03 Feb 04 - 12:58 AM

I went to Transylvania College for two years.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 04 Feb 04 - 08:45 AM

The smell of garlic made Vlad weak
his face went even paler
Those hairy Mudcat females said
we know you're the Impaler

The Mudcat felines glared at him
Who's that sweet young thing with you
Vlad eyed their hairy armpits
like a stagnant kangaroo

come my sweet girl, let us away
away from these smelly hags
lets sneak upstairs and have a snort
here - can i carry your bags..
But the Mudcat felines spread their claws
and hissed a mighty curse
poor Vlad was quaking in his boots
crying "help" I need a nurse...


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Micca
Date: 05 Feb 04 - 05:10 AM

And in at the door with a shape like a fauns
Comes an elegant creature with curly great horns
When asked for his name by a door minding Mauler
He Graciously said " I'm Vlad the Impala"


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,Tony Lair
Date: 05 Feb 04 - 11:02 AM

waddling behind
with a wandering mind,
hairy, rotund and quite fat
was, dressed to the nines
with some hairy behines,
you guessed it,
Young Boris the Bat..


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,amalia clawall
Date: 04 Apr 04 - 07:23 AM

now Vladimir, he stood right straight
and flossed his merry biters
his ticket paid, he's on his way
to sample new delighters

there'll be vampires over
the white cliffs of dover...


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Morticia
Date: 04 Apr 04 - 09:11 AM

Oh no, cried she, this cannot be
I've been fooled by an impala
Whilst the love of my life, has taken to wife
A lousy young harlot of a Llama.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 04 Apr 04 - 10:16 AM

as Vladimir climbed up the steps of the airoplane, his eye glanced upon a nubile young air hostess. feeling cranky at the thought of hours in the air without his bats, Vladimir smiled at the young hostie as he slid into his seat.

It was Jessica's first flight. she was excited, and she knew that this was her lucky day. As she stood smiling at the front of the cabin, she looked at the man in 32a.

He was tall, thinning on top, and had a questioning look in his eyes. Somehow she felt compelled to walk towards him.

Can I help you sir, she whispered nervously. He smiled, and looked deep into her eyes -

a bloody mary, thanks. With lots of salt.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 20 Apr 04 - 04:53 AM

Vladimir twitched impatiently as he sat in the airplane seat. He watched that pale, elfin yound hostess with impatience. He could see her fluttering, trembling as she passed him the Bloody Mary. He was just biding his time until he could get into the cubicle and snort some speed.

Vlad's heart was beating, his muscles racing, blood pumped to his head, he could feel the vein on his throat throbbing. Leaving him sitting in this flight, under those fluorescent lights, watching that quivering hostess, was a special type of strain.

as the lights in the cabin dimmed, he heard a sardonic laugh from the back of the cabin. A well dressed, distinguished looking man in his middle years was pulling something down from the upper cabin. Soft, ironic, yankee accent, a little gruff, maybe. Smoker? What was that object? It was...

... a banjo! ...strains of Del McCoury flooding down the eisle, and that young air hostess, moving enraptured, towards the sound!

Damn. Vladimir tightened his strap. Bats taste better, anyway.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,Ellenpoly
Date: 20 Apr 04 - 05:22 AM

I really hope Kendall gets a chance to read this!..xx..e


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Micca
Date: 20 Apr 04 - 06:49 AM

So Vlad staggered in to the pub from his truck
"Bring me some real food not this microwave muck
I'll have cheese and Marmite and Breville ham toast
I can eat all the kinds is my very proud boast

But this morning all bleary I staggered back home
I was feeling my teeth were like a bald mans comb
I absently poured ketchup on to my Frosties
And Knew I was suffering from mixin ma Toasties!!!


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,Bleeding Gums Boris
Date: 20 Apr 04 - 09:45 AM

Vlad looked about him. What was this place? Hot fire in the corner - could prove handy. Uh, that horrible noise was following him, like a bad smell. There, in the corner, was that man, surrounded by what appeared to be a bunch of very rowdy, scraggly types, listening as he played that horrible banjo. And there, by his side, was Jessica the air hostess, clutching a guiness and tapping her foot to the sound of that cackling, jangling instrument.

Vlad was feeling tetchy. Not only was the beer warm, there was a remarkable shortage of bats. He looked about him frantically, his mouth salivating.

Meanwhile, those unwashed bohemians in the corner were making the most ungodly cacophany of sounds, something about Mary Ellen Carter. Vlad got the message, this was some pagan goddess who was about to Rise Again. Good, just what he needed, a newly born sacrifice to satiate his cravings. He gazed at the group with narrowed eyes. The women varied from the spiked hair and pierced nose lot, to one adorable lass with long, raven locks and a crushed velvet cloak. Perhaps THIS was Mary Ellen, the one who had Risen Again.

Vlad sashayed across the room, vodka in hand, and addressed the young Mary Ellen.

"Risen Goddess. I am Count Vladimir the Inhaler, also known as Mudvig of Catnipia. What a beautiful voice you have. Will you come with me to the balcony and sing to me, as we watch the rising stars?"


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,amalia clawall
Date: 20 Apr 04 - 10:12 AM

Magenta sized up the man standing in front of her. Broad shoulders, ebony hair and eyes, a bit pallid (has he just come out of jail, she thought), goth. Not really to her taste, but he was offering her a drink.

"Cointreau, thanks, on the rocks."

There was so much noise, she couldn't hear what he was saying properly, something about having a rise, oh, these men are all the same, but what the hell, the cointreau was delicious, and her partner, Rhymin Simon, was so high on something that he was busy spouting psychadelic poetry, and had forgotten to buy her a drink.

Out on the balcony, it was a little more difficult. His singing was strangely like the howling of a wolf.. or .. oh, I don't know. God, he was a bit ripe, hands everywhere and .. Magenta started to struggle. Suddenly she felt his hot breath on her neck, well, that always did feel good, and a sudden sharp STABBING pain, she SCREAMED AND FAINTED.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,Natasha Smasher
Date: 20 Apr 04 - 10:20 AM

Vlad's head was dizzy and he smelt the blood oozing so neatly from the two neat holes in her neck.. His nostrils flared as he bent forward and started to suck.. WHAM Val staggered back, and turned, to see, just behind him, a small, grizzled man with steelo eyebrows and a loud voice.

Fists, legs flying , thumps, Val was enjoying this, practising his Mud-Cat-Do on the puny, pissed poet. He floored him with a snap kick to the endives, and was just about to grab Magenta and run, when he heard a strange, plucking sound. There, coming closer to the balcony, was that strange, well dressed man with the American accent and the banjo.

Vlad felt a wave of nausea rush through him, quivering up and down his spine, vibrating into his very adnoids... NOT the banjo! he cried, and raced, out of the pub and into the darkened night.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 20 Apr 04 - 07:06 PM

Rhymin' Simon turned to find Magenta unconscious on the pub floor. God, he was so sick of carrying that woman into the car, she drank too much and it was just embarassing. Here was Micca and Col K to help, as usual, Thanks, mates, she's got a good heart. They crammed her into the back seat of the car, with her sequined clutch bag and handkerchief. Her legs were always a hassle to get in - so long, but tonight they seemed strangely floppy.

As Simon adjusted the velvet collar of her cape, he shuddered, and shrank back - there, in her tripe-white neck, were two ..puncture holes.

No, he thought, no. Surely she hasn't been hitting the hard stuff?



What a strange place to inject.

As he revved up the engine of his landrover, Simon pondered on life. It was a choice between tolerance and loneliness, between cleaning up after yourself or being nagged by Magenta. What the hell, they'd walked this road before. Strange about those puncture marks on the neck.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Little Hawk
Date: 20 Apr 04 - 09:56 PM

Chongo had heard some freakin' dumb stories before, but this one hadda be the winner. This little greasy Jewish cat named Simon Paulsky comes in with his half-corked girlfriend, a sharp lookin' dame named Magenta. She's got what looks like a couple of really nasty hickies on her neck and she's three sheets to the wind. Paulsky says she's been bit by a vampire. Right...

Chongo idly lit up a stogie. "Look, bo, I wasn't born yesterday. There ain't no such thing as vampires. You been watchin' too many movies. Don't waste my time with this."

"You've gotta help us," moaned Rhymin' Simon, wringing his hands in despair. "The cops don't believe me either, but it's true. I saw him with my own eyes. His name is...Vlad the Inhaler!" There was true terror in Paulsky's bulging little eyes.

"Yeah, okay..." Chongo shrugged, and took a long drag on his Cuban. "I'll look into it. I need $250 down as a retainer. After that it's $50 per diem, payable on Fridays. Ya got any more useful info before I get started?"

"Yes," gasped Paulsky, "this Vlad...he's got terrible bad breath..."

"Ask me if I'm surprised."

"And he appears to be violently allergic to the sound of banjo music!"

"No kiddin'?" said Chongo. He took another slow drag and blew a smoke ring. He thought back to last year's caper with that crazy, dumb singin' Orangutan, Big Daddy Malone, and his awful hillbilly rendition of Big Rock Candy Mountain.

"Allergic to the banjo, huh? Who the hell ain't?"


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,freda
Date: 21 Apr 04 - 02:47 AM

Rhymin Simon could feel his heart throbbing under his tie dyed T shirt and waistcoat. Who was this hairy ape anyway, and did he really have to grovel to an ape to get results. This was the 23rd PI he had tried, and he'd almost given up.

But he remembered the strange howling sound he had heard last night, and Magenta was still off her face. This Chongo guy was at least prepared to listen..

He handed over the cash, and walked out, Magenta leaning on his arm.
"You'll be okay, babe, you'll be okay".

God, he thought, her eyes are so damn bloodshod .. what's got into her?


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Little Hawk
Date: 21 Apr 04 - 03:30 PM

Chongo Chimp pressed the buzzer on the left corner of his desk, poured himself a shot of whiskey, and leaned back thoughtfully. Moments later Janie came in, looking brisk and efficient the way she always did, her dark hair neatly combed back from her scuptured brow ridges.

Janie was Chongo's latest secretarial assistant, and she was turning out to be a good one. She had come over on the boat from Africa, same as Chongo, but more recently, in '39 just before the big war started up in Europe. She was a forest chimp from Tanzania. Janie was pretty businesslike, but there was a twinkle of warmth lurking in her closeset brown eyes. Chongo figured she'd make some ape a good partner one of these days. Not him, though. His life was too up and down for a stable institution like marriage. Besides, Chongo liked his freedom too much. And he was still tortured by secret visions of long, slender, silky, bare legs in sheer stockings. Human legs. It didn't bear thinking about...

"Janie, I need ya to go out and get me some info. Pick up any book ya can find in the library about...vampires. Yeah, I know, don't look at me like that, I said 'vampires'. Just do it, okay?"

Janie rolled her eyes mockingly. "Sure thing, Chongo. How about werewolves?"

"Awww, fer Kong's sake..." grumbled Chongo, "Just vampires!" He studiously directed his attention to the papers on his desk. They were mostly bills.

"I'm right on it, boss ape," said Janie, saluting humorously. "Count Dracula," she announced dramatically, "your days are numbered!" She shouldered her purse and strode merrily out the door. Chongo glowered at her over his drink wordlessly. He was busy trying to calculate just how far he could stretch that $250 he'd got from Paulsky. Business had been slender lately. Not good looking either. Just slender, period.

"I shoulda become an arms manufacturer," thought Chongo. "I coulda had a great big oak desk, an office on the 25th floor, and a human secretary with 36 inch legs."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Michael
Date: 21 Apr 04 - 03:50 PM

I thought Vlad the Inhaler was an asthmatic.
Mike


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,freda
Date: 21 Apr 04 - 11:11 PM

Vladimir was feeling unsettled. It was sunset and he was just waking up from a day's deep slumber. The Steak and Kidney was a convenient little stopover, until his gold mastercard arrived.

He considered the events of the previous evening. Dirty, smelly folkies. Here was a most inconvenient situation. Mary Ellen, the reborn pagan Goddess, had flaunted herself at him on the balcony, and he'd quite forgotten himself. And those three ridiculous yobbos, Rhymin' Simon, Micca and ColK, interfering, manhandling him like some common bar brawler, and interrupting his evening meal.

Vladimir knew it was important to fully consummate and consume a blood encounter, for a victim who remained alive would become...




a soul wraith, a vampire, destined, like himself, to prowl the world in search of the right blood group. What's worse, a new vampire could behave indiscreetly, unable to temper their bloodlust, and call unwanted attention to the existence of more sophisticated vampires like himself, who generally operated quietly, without leaving traces. He knew that he would have to track down the Goddess Mary Ellen (what did they call her, Magenta?) and complete the blood sacrifice, consume her, and ensure that no traces were left.

Hmm, she could make a tasty snack, and feed him over a numnber of weeks. Vladimir decided to go to Woolies and buy some snap lock freezer bags.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,Bleeding Gums Boris
Date: 22 Apr 04 - 07:57 AM

Magenta tossed and turned, flitting in and out of strange dreams. Rhymin Simon spouting poems about crystalline cloud forms, cointreau, capes and tarot cards.

Her head was pounding like a military march, her mouth was dry, very dry.

soft music was floating into the room, there was a crack in the curtians - ugghhh - that light was killing her.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

No, Simon, leave me, I've got a terrible headache. God - I'm so thirsty - I could drink a river of blood.

Simon paused, nonplussed. Why the hell did she sat that?


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: MC Fat
Date: 22 Apr 04 - 08:58 AM

Has he got a pal called 'Conan the Librarian'


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: jacqui.c
Date: 23 Apr 04 - 04:22 AM

Kendall here. Why me?


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,Bleeding Gums Boris
Date: 24 Apr 04 - 09:08 AM

Leadfingers and Kendall sat back in their huge, leather armchairs, sipping on guiness. They had been talking banjos, in fact, as they sunk each new round of guinness, they plied each other with banjo jokes.

Leadfingers: The Pope and a banjo player find themselves together before the Pearly Gates. After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective professions, Ol' Saint Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station. After passing out wings, harps, halos, and such, Saint Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is where the banjo player will be spending eternity, (at least until the end of time…) "Hot Dang," the Pope says to His-Self, "If he's getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!" They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the Pope's new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the Pontiff his best. The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the deal here? You put that banjo player-feller in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?"
Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replies: "Look here old fellow, this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's the first (non)damned banjo player to make it up here!!"


Kendall: For three years, the young banjo player had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, and stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a banjo player."

...and so on. It was a pleasant evening, the rain was falling quietly on the cobblestones outside, and both men were unwinding after a hard day's banjo playing.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,amalia clawall
Date: 24 Apr 04 - 09:32 AM

Rhymin Simon was extremely worried about Magenta. She had been sleeping all day, and was tossing and turning, shouting in her sleep and flailing her charms about. Simon knew that she was going through some heavy trip, whatever it was, and he also knew that he couldn't cope.

Simon took a long, deep drag on his bong. There was something funny about that Mudvig bloke at the pub last night, something he just couldn't put his fingers on.

Simon put down his book (How to Rip People off on a Dope Deal; 230 new techniques). This was an amazing book, based on an ancient Chinese form of martial art, (the I Rping) the book translated ancient military manoeuvres into modern day conning techniques. The book was an ode to strategy, a monument to manipulation, and was well worth the $10 he had paid for it in that second hand bookshop in Kuranda. Simon had made a number of very successful sales since using the book, although he couldn't show his face in the pub at Crappon By the Sea any more.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,Natasha Smasher
Date: 24 Apr 04 - 09:51 AM

Magenta's mind was a virtual kaleidoscope of pulsating images, dreams, you could call them. She dreamt she was wandering alone through a gilded Bavarian palace, or was that a Catnipian castle. Magenta liked Cats, and as she wandered along the gilded corridor of Hopes and Dreams, past the twisted sculptures of tortured souls in various states of indigestion, she knew she would be soon be entering the Last Portal of All Earthly Desires..

She came to a large, carved black wooden door. She knelt and whispered the Song of Redemption to the Great Cat:

Cat, make me a channel of thy peas,

that where there is mash, I may bring gravy;

that where there is chopped liver, I may bring the spirit of Worstershire;

that where there are banjos, I may bring harmony;

that where there is thread creep, I may bring focus;

that where there is gout, I may bring Vitamin B6;

that where there is bad hair, I may bring mousse;

that where there are arguments, I may bring the delete button;

that where there is madness, I may bring vodka.

Cat, grant that I may seek rather to chew gum than to be tread in it;

to undermine, than to be under men;

to inspire fear, than to be afraid.

For it is in self-raising flour that the cake rises.

It is in raisins that the grape is preserved.

And it is by bleeding that one awakens to Eternal Strife.

As she uttered this incantation, the huge doors slowly opened, and Magenta prostrated herself on the purple velvet carpet, her long black hair streaming about her, as she offered herself unto …. the Cat Goddess.

Waves of Oil of Sandalwood streamed before her naked nostrils…she always wondered what was so good about the smell of old sandals, anyway, but she would undergo any ritual in order to encounter – the Risen Cat Goddess.

Her heart throbbing and chest heaving, Magenta looked up, her eyes drunken with delight, her mind swimming in ecstasy as she offered herself to.............


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 24 Apr 04 - 10:02 AM

.. A man wearing khaki shorts, a T shirt, sandals with socks, and a raccoon hat on his head. He was carrying a rifle, and a handbook on "The Albertan Muskrat - 20 different recipes"

"Don't get me wrong, lady, I like cats, but there ain't no cats around here. I'm lookin'for a goat."

Magenta's eyes rolled upwards, she could see muskrats whirling above her, flying and screeching, with big black wings, flapping, swooping, and...

"Cuppa tea, luv?" Magenta shuddered, and realised she was in bed, and it had all been a dream....


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,amalia clawall
Date: 25 Apr 04 - 05:42 AM

Vladimir turned the key in the lock, and walked in. His little room in the Steak and Kidney was his repose.

He putting the shopping bags on the kitchen table, and sorted out the packet from the butcher's. Lots of good, fresh meat, but cold... just not the same as ripping into a fresh, warm throat or thigh.

Vlad was determined to track down his Risen Goddess, and the only way he could think of doing so was to get back to the Black Lion Pub in Plaistow, on a Sunday evening.

He had been counting the nights, and getting more and more uptight as the time passed. This time, he would not fail.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 28 Apr 04 - 07:52 AM

Leadfingers and Kendall had settled in to the Black Lion, and had consumed a rather large number of guinesses. Their banjos had been put to one side for some time, and they were arguing about who was the best person to repair an old Appalachian dulcimer, when Leadfingers felt a chill breeze at the back of his neck. He looked up, and saw, it was that Mudvig character, who had caused a bit of a stink at the Lion a couple of weeks earlier. The bloke from Catnipia, or somewhere. He watched as Mudvig strode purposefully into a corner of the room, and started chatting up Magenta, who was looking rather animated, to say the least.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Little Hawk
Date: 28 Apr 04 - 08:03 AM

Chongo scratched his hairy little ape skull in puzzlement. How the hell had he gotten into this weird vampire caper anyway? The only comfort was the $220 bucks still in his wallet. He'd spent $30 on restocking the liquor cabinet and paying the overdue phone bill. A shamus can't afford to have a nonfunctional phone.

Janie had returned cheerfully from the library with an armful of books on vampires, werewolves, Bela Lugosi, Lon Chaney, Nosferatu, and so on. Chongo was learning a lot about horror movies, but probably not too much about real vampires...assuming there were any. Chongo doubted it.

"This stuff wouldn't scare a baby capuchin," scoffed Chongo, thumbing the pages scornfully. "The only horror movie with any real class was the one done about Kong. Now there was a movie to remember."

It looked like he was gonna have to hit the street soon. These books were unlikely to provide any useful information. They had some neat pictures though...


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 01 May 04 - 08:18 AM

Magenta's nostrils flared, her mouth watered, lips tingled, here was this strange bloke with the cointreau. What was his name again? Vladimir? Mudvig? why did these Europeans have to have such Gothic names. Where the hell was Simon?

She looked up at Mudvig - he was tall, his skin was white like a computer screen, and his eyes were a deep, dark brown . Those eyes - Paul McCartney eat your heart out. She sipped the cointreau that he thrust into her little hand, what was he talking about - the Risen Goddess - one of those capewalkers, Magenta knew the game. First he'd be blessing her, then he'd be spouting ancient Mudvigian poetry, and eventually he'd invite her home for breakfast.. at 11.30 pm or a bit after. Skinny, but she looked at his hands. She always looked at a man's hands, it was important to her, if a man was going to touch her, she wanted to find his hands appealing. His fingers were long, slender, but obviously powerful, muscular. Elegant, yet strong. She liked them.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Little Hawk
Date: 01 May 04 - 08:28 AM

Ooooo...nice stuff, freda. Chongo is growing fractious here. He doesn't think it's gonna be easy working tommy guns into this plot, and he wants 20% more mangos monthly to do it. We are negotiating...


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 01 May 04 - 08:33 AM

he's been doing a great job so far, LH, and kept the story moving. all he has to do is roll up to the black lion and follow the scent... and the trails of blood that will soon be created. In the meantime he could always get pissed in the corner with a bunch of catters, while the action was happening...

i understand how he feels about mangos - i have them every morning for breakfast during summer. maybe what he needs is a little love interest..


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 01 May 04 - 08:42 AM

Jennyo, Sandra, and Freda were sitting in one corner, laughing. Jennyo was reciting a hilarious poem about a bikie and a witch, it had it all, black leather, chains, and a some high heeled boots. There was a mob of catters, shouting, laughing, drinking as if there was no tomorrow. Mudvig's eyes swept across the room - there was Jessica, the air hostess, sitting at the feet of that man with the banjo, gazing at him and laughing like a schoolgirl.

Mudvig felt a pang of deep jealousy shoot through his thighs... he wanted her. He sucked on his teeth, and breathed in deep. He could smell her from across the room, he found himself thinking of sinking into her softness, biting frantically into her fleshy belly...

"MUDVIG!! VLADIMIR!! Or whoever the hell you are, I'll be back in a sec.."

Mudvig looked up to see Magenta waving from the other side of the room, damn, he had let her slip.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 01 May 04 - 08:54 AM

Sandra was sitting sewing as she listened to the music. Layers of harmony throbbed about the room, it was a beautiful rendition of "Our Lady of Autumn" led by Gardenia, who, with her long blonde hair and slender legs, looked like a medieval princess. Sandra was having trouble with this particular item, she had been making a small fluffy dark brown teddy bear, but, it kept ..changing shape, not working. at one point Sandra looked down, startled. There, all chocolate and fluffy, was not a little teddy bear - it was a bat, with wide bat wings.

Here was jOhn from Hull, who had had a few, getting his empty beer glass read by Freda. This is a peculiarly Australian form of fortunetelling, Freda had learnt the art of reading the froth on an empty beer glass from her grannie, who in turn had learnt it from her alcoholic father. Freda gazed intently into the empty glass, watching the shapes and sprays of the froth in their pattern on the empty glass. Should she tell jOhn what she could see there? It was hard to believe, but she could see a strange figure, almost like a ..giant bat, with teeth.

Freda looked down at Sandra's sewing and shuddered. What a strange night this was.

She looked up at jOhn, took a deep breath, and said, jOhn, have you collected any other new pets, apart from your hamster?


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 01 May 04 - 09:06 AM

Magenta wobbled across the room to see who Dave Bryant was talking to. She had been grogging on for a couple of hours before Mudvig showed, and the cointreau just pushed her that bit further. Dave was talking to two Yanks, by the sound of it. One of them had a funny name, sound like a guitar or something. He was shouting about weiner dogs and which were the best, and getting stuck into poor old Dave Bryant, who seemed to be handling it pretty well. The other guy, well, Magenta had always liked them hairy. This guy was so hairy, he was like a big ape.. gross.. He looked up and gave Magenta a big toothy grin. A bit buck, those teeth, she thought, funny his parents never sent him to the orthodontist. She looked at his hands - here were hands to warm a woman's .. heart. big hands, strong hands, hands a woman could feel.

She went over and introduced herself, and the guy offered her a banana - cute line, she thought, cheeky. What was his name, Chongo?


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 01 May 04 - 09:41 AM

meanwhile Leadfingers and Kendall had become emroiled in the topic of the rise of the neoconservatives. Leadfingers listened while Rant carried on about Margaret Thatcher, and the Miners Strike of 1984/85. Rant had worked hard to give critical support for the UK's Labour Party during the 1987 General Election. Rhymin Simon said that all politicians were the same, that the rich had always screwed the poor, and that all these definitions were another elitist way of alienating the common person from the governing class. Leadfingers had had enough, and picked up his banjo. Kendall did the same, and they launched into a powerful version of "Roll in my sweet baby's arms".. Rant and Rhymin Simon moved out onto the balcony for a quiet bong, Simon was feeling seedy, he needed a little pick me up.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Little Hawk
Date: 01 May 04 - 07:08 PM

The trip over to the Black Lion had been uneventful. The usual gritty streets with the usual people and simians. It had given Chongo a chance to try out his new car, a fairly utilitarian looking Packard in chocolate and tan two-tone. It was a good car, and Chongo had added to its usefullness by having his buddy Roscoe, the metalworking chimp from St. Louis, weld armour plate inside all the doors, the firewall, and the rear luggage compartment. This made the car quite a bit heavier, but she still had plenty of pep.

Chongo pulled over to the curb and had a good look at the front of the Black Lion. The joint was jumping. A small monkey in a uniform appeared at once, and asked if he should park the car.

"Sure thing, kid." Chongo flipped the monk a quarter, handed over the keys, and entered the club, from which was pouring an indecipherable cacophony of "primitive" music. It was just a bunch of noise to Chongo, same as all music. He was completely tone deaf. He did, however, detect the hideous sounds of banjos and other stringed instruments, and deduced that it was that sort of hillbilly music that Big Daddy Malone had favoured. Awful stuff.

Upon entering Chongo found an unusually bohemian crowd, many of them with musical instruments in their hands. Ten years later they would probably have been called "beatniks", but Chongo had no name for them. "A buncha weirdos," he thought. "Probably spend their time smokin' reefers and talkin' about Marx and Engels..."

Then he saw Magenta. Chongo couldn't help himself...he grinned widely, cos she had those looong legs. Chongo really had a thing for long legs. You just didn't find long legs on female chimps. He hoped she would take the grin as mere friendliness. You had to be damn careful about forbidden inter-species lust in 1940's Chicago, and he had a reputation to maintain as a reliable gumshoe and a straight shooter.

He doffed his fedora, introduced himself, and offered her a nice ripe Costa Rican banana. He always had a few on him if at all possible. It never hurt to be polite.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Little Hawk
Date: 01 May 04 - 09:15 PM

"Do you see that, Spock?" The rakishly handsome man in the pinstripe suit and fedora gestured to his leaner and more serious companion, a man with a dour look and eyebrows that slanted sharply upwards. They were seated in a discreet corner of the Black Lion, and could see the entire pub from their table.

"Fascinating, Captain," observed the lean one. "It appears that humans and apes are living together amicably in this society. I would not have expected that."

"Nor I, Mr Spock," admitted the handsome one. "There are a number of apes and monkeys...hanging around, but...most of them seem to be in the servant class...valets and such. But...this one...he appears to be more on a level with...the humans."

"Yes, he does carry himself like an equal," agreed Spock. "Look there, Captain, he's lighting up a narcotic, the same as the rest of them."

Chongo was in fact lighting one of his usual Cuban cigars, and trying to figure out just what was different about Magenta tonight. He sensed an odd change in the woman, but couldn't quite put his finger on just what it was. The marks on her throat had almost disappeared. Evidently she had healed quickly.

"They're all addicts, Spock. Look at them! All smoking like chimneys, inhaling vile, obnoxious fumes and drinking like fish to boot."

"Doctor McCoy has been known to smoke on occasions, Captain. I have strongly advised him against it, but he is attached to the archiac custom for some reason."

"Yes...well you know Bones, Spock. He's a stubborn man. Best let him have his...little indulgences. It keeps him happy." Kirk grinned broadly, flashing his gorgeously capped teeth. A woman across the room gasped, and couldn't help staring at his manly visage. Jim winked at her roguishly. "Spock, I think I need to...feel out the locals...mix a little and gather useful information. If you'll excuse me..."

"Certainly, Captain," said Spock, raising an eyebrow curiously. "What should I do?"

"They have a roulette wheel, don't they? See if you can break the bank, Spock." He grinned again, slapped the Vulcan on the shoulder, and got up and walked toward the woman's table.

"Break the bank?" queried Spock. "I should think that would be illegal wouldn't it?" But his Captain was already at the other table. Spock shrugged, straightened his jacket carefully, adjusted the unfamiliar fedora to cover his ear points, and made his way in the direction of the gambling tables. He would see if he could determine how the betting worked. "Fascinating!" he mused. "It's all so archaic and...corrupt."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,Bleeding Gums Boris
Date: 03 May 04 - 08:20 AM

Magenta was giggling. She had snuggled up quite close to Chongo, and had crossed one thigh over the other, a long, slender leg dangling flirtatiously through the slit in her green lacey skirt. Chongo's eyes were gazing, transfixed, at Magenta's elegant ankle, as he quietly whispered to her a poem by Kenneth Rexroyth...

There are sparkles of rain on the bright
Hair over your forehead;
Your eyes are wet and your lips
Wet and cold, your cheek rigid with cold.
Why have you stayed
Away so long, why have you only
Come to me late at night
After walking for hours in wind and rain?
Take off your dress and stockings;
Sit in the deep chair before the fire.
I will warm your feet in my hands;
I will warm your breasts and thighs with kisses.
I wish I could build a fire
In you that would never go out.
I wish I could be sure that deep in you
Was a magnet to draw you always home...


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,amalia clawall
Date: 03 May 04 - 08:25 AM

Magenta gazed at Chongo's big, muscular hands, drinking in every word..She clutched the banana in her hot little hands, it had become a symbol for her, a symbol of Chongo's love, kindness, and generosity. She couldn't beleive that Chongo was into Kenneth Rexroth, too. At last, someone with a mind like her own..

Meanwhile, Rhymin Simon was cutting a good deal with some travellers up the back of the pub. This should keep him going til dole day, next week.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 03 May 04 - 08:36 AM

Vladimir tensed all over. He could see Magenta leaning all over that man in the corner, languid, relaxed, laughing. He watched her floppy leg, kicking back and forward provocatively, as she whisopered and giggled with the man in the trench coat. Vladimir knew that he had to distract Magenta, to win her back so he could complete his mission.

Vladimir knew that if he could seduce the Risen Goddess, Mary Ellen, Magenta, what ever it was they called her, and become one with her in heart, mind, and digestion, well, he knew that if he did this, it would taste damn good.

There was only one thing he could do, and that was.....

to wait until Chongo was distracted..and to make his move.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 03 May 04 - 08:53 AM

Leadfingers was leaning close to Kendall, they were comparing notes on banjo techniques, how to perform a tremolo on any string while holding a chord.

"A tremolo can go back and forth across one string, two strings, three strings, or all four strings, depending on the desired sound", said Kendall.

Leadfinger noted that a common method is to play the chord (across all the strings) on the beat while continuously tremoloing on the single string melody note. "Try the melody note on the first string or second string. When you play chord melody and tremolo near the nut and peghead, the chord is played to whatever string the melody occurs on. If the tremolo is on an inside string, then the higher strings are not played. This style of playing has many possibilities including making the banjo sound like two or three banjos playing at the same time."

They were both muttering and jangling together, while across the room, a strong, booming voice sang..

I dreamed a dream the other night
Lowlands, lowlands, away my John
I saw my love dressed all in white
My lowlands, away.

She came to me at my bedside
Dressed all in white like some fair bride.

And nestled in her bosom there
A red, red rose my love did wear.

She made no sign, no word she said
And then I knew my love was dead.

She waved her hand, she said goodbye
I wiped the tear from out my eye...


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Chief Chaos
Date: 03 May 04 - 01:03 PM

Chongo took a deep draw on his cuban while wondering over the length of Magenta's gams. "If that slit in her dress were any higher I'd have to convert, he thought, 'cause I'd damn sure be looking at the promised land." And just where the hell had that poem come from? He hadn't read any in so long. Not his bunch of bananas as it were.

The hair on his back and nape began to crawl skyward in pure simian fear. His mind began screaming Bundalo! Bundalo! Chongo surreptitiously glanced around to see what was setting of his inner lizard. The guy in black over there, just outside his periferal vision. Looking over like a baleful moon across the moors. Chongo's heart rate sped considerably. It was fight or flight time and he didn't even know his enemy.

In an instant the man looked away. Not even a second had passed and yet Chongo felt years older. The rest of the room came back into being around him although he couldn't remember having gone into such concentration. He quickly downed a whiskey and removed his trembling hand from his .45. It had gone there of it's own account, seeking the safety and solidness of the semi-auto's cold hard steel.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Chief Chaos
Date: 05 May 04 - 02:01 PM

Magenta looked up from her glass to see a very pale chimpanzee before her.
"Why, Mr. Chongo, are you ill" she said.
"No, doll, just got a chill up my spine, like someone dancing on my grave," Chongo replied, "and it's not Mr. Chongo, just Chongo."

Chongo took another puff on his cuban and signalled the waitress for another shot. Then he pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and wiped the cold sweat from his forehead and his neck.

"Feels a little warm in here with the personal fur coat I always wear." Chongo said.
"I can sympathize," Magenta said grinning, "some women think a fur coat is the best thing in the world. They wear them everywhere, shoving their wealth in your face. I think they look better on the animals they were taken from and laugh at the women, acting all stuck up and sweating like pigs."
"Don't tell me your a vegetarian too!" Chongo said.
"Oh, no Chongo. I'm no vegetarian. As a matter of fact I like to get my hands on a good piece of meat once in awhile." Magenta replied, looking back at Chongo from beneath her eye lashes.
The inner lizard began screaming again, and Chongo choked on his drink. Magenta laughed like silvery rain at his discomfiture.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 15 May 04 - 03:31 AM

Chongo was squirming. He was having such a great time with this dame, Magenta, but he knew that a man had to do what a man had to do. He'd been knocking back whiskeys for some time now, and he could see that Magenta was ripe for the peeling. But Chongo was ripe for the peeing, and he got up and strode off to the men's room, patting his pistol for comfort.

Jacko Kevans, dry face, magic fingers, sat in the corner with his old concertina, squeezing out its haunting rendition of Four Little Johnny Cakes. Magenta was swaying and tapping her foot, her mouth tinged with a liqorice after taste from the Cointreau, when she looked down and saw two very shiny pointed black boots. Her eyes followed up the long, black trousered legs to...


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,Bleeding Gums Boris.
Date: 15 May 04 - 03:38 AM

Vladimir was drooling. His big black eyes gazed at her, all snowy white skin, thick glossy raven hair and warm beating heart. He could see her breasts rising and falling beneath the green velvet gown she was draped in..

He knew he didn't have much time... how to bedazzle this young morsel within a minute?

His black eyes lingered on hers, and, trembling, he leant forward and said, Magenta, will you join me on the balcony? I'd like to play to you with my lute...

Here's this bloke with the cointreau, she thought. well, no harm to gaze at the stars a little, she could do with a little fresh air, she was feeling a little heady...


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 15 May 04 - 07:50 AM

Jennyo and Sandra couldn't believe it. There's that bloke again - the pasty looking Goth in the cape. Why the hell hasn't Magenta learnt her lesson? there she is going out onto the balcony again, didnt the bloke have a go at her last time? They nudged jOhn from Hull, who was still having his reading with Freda. She was gazing into the empty beer glass, rabbiting on about his hidden talents. Did you hear that? she's telling him he can make millions as a writer - something about publishing.

Bill D watched, feeling sorry for the poor bloke. This woman was a rip-off queen of the first order. Didn't even have a crystal ball. Reading his future from a beer glass? what a lot of froth and bubble. Bill leaned over and said to jOhn kindly, you don't really believe all that crap, do you? jOhn looked up at Bill D. "If you think this is rubbish, Bill D, how the hell did she know I had just bought a pet bat? I tell you, its for real."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,Bleeding Gums Boris
Date: 15 May 04 - 08:05 AM

Amidst the shouting, screaming and sounds of a broken beer glass, Bill D could only just focus on jOhn from Hull, who was running around the room screaming "Bertie! Bertie!" chasing a little bat, Bertie the Bat, who was flapping wildly, in shock, zooming from one corner of the pub to another, with jOhn from Hull running after.

Freda Underhill was screaming "a bat! a bat!" and had climbed up onto the table, holding her patchwork skirts around her ankles. sandra and jennyo were running around in a circle, jennyo calling "blessed bat" "blessed bat" occasionally through the din.

In the corner, Rhymin' Simon was just fixing an outstanding deal with a couple of out-of-towners, a funny looking bloke with pointy eyebrows and his mate. This should be enough to fix up his next couple of bills with Chongo, thought Simon, unless I decide to get some of those quality heads from Andy.

and on the other side of the room, around a dozen folkies, oblivious to the noise, were just finishing a rousing chorus of Mary Ellen Carter.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 15 May 04 - 08:11 AM

Bill D strode purposefully across the room. Hysteria, he thought, a state of temporary insanity, flung on to avoid having to deal with something. He reached out, grabbed the beating bat with his bare hands, strode out onto the balcony, and placed the bat on the balcony rail.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,amalia clawall
Date: 15 May 04 - 08:19 AM

Vladimir held the struggling, hot, soft Magenta in his arms. He mouth was watering, his lips wet, and his veins throbbing, when, suddenly, his nostrils flared.. that pungent odour - it couldn't be....




an entree! with one swipe he had Bertie and had stripped his furry belly skin clean. His face contorted as he bit frantically, again and again, into the bloody mess that was Bertie's belly, as Berties untamed screams ripped through the cool London night.

Magenta watched, a strange feeling flowing over her. That bloke's got no table manners, she thought, I can't go out with him. And she wandered back into the pub, just in time to take her place back on the leather armchair, squeezing in next to Chongo, who was looking much more relaxed and very pleased to have her back again.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 15 May 04 - 02:38 PM

They say the criminal always returns to the scene of the crime. Well, it ain't necessarily so. But this time it was. I was just strikin' up a nice conversation with the dame Magenta and tryin' to guess how she would look swingin' from a grapevine wearin' only a loincloth and a pearl necklace when...

A thin little screech echoed from outside. The humans didn't even notice it over the terrible racket they were makin' with their hillbilly instruments, but a Chimp has good ears. I excused myself and slipped out to the balcony, with one hand on my gat. The cold steel felt reassuring.

I stepped through the curtains, and there he was. Tall, pale, saturnine, and cold as a slab of stone in an Alaska graveyard. A chill went through me right to my bones. He was in the middle of devouring a bat! The blood was dripping from his fingers. He looked momentarily surprised to see me, but I saw a cunning, predatory fire kindle in his reddened eyes. I drew the .45 without even thinkin' about it and aimed it straight at his guts. He took one more draw on the bat, sighed deeply, and tossed the drained corpse over the railing as if he was tossin' away a candy wrapper.

"Well, well, it's Cheetah," he sneered. "Where's Tarzan?"

I kept the gun trained on his vitals. "It's Chongo, bub, not Cheetah. A cheetah is a large cat or didn't you know? Ain'tcha heard we got laws in Chicago against cruelty to animals?"

"Is that right?" he said, moving closer. "Laws? Dear me! Oh, my, I am so impressed by that..."

I know sarcasm when I hear it, and I know a threat when I see it. "Listen, tall, dark, and ugly," I growled, "this here is a .45, and it'll blow a hole as big as your fist through your breadbasket, so if I was you I'd stop right there..."

I woulda said more, but he went for me, quick as a snake. I pulled the trigger and put a hot lead slug right into his shoulder. I seen it hit. I didn't want to kill this sucker, only stop him in his tracks. The weird thing was, I seen the bullet hit, and he seemed to just ripple like a flag in the wind, and then he was on me. His fingers clawed into me like steel hooks. The gun went off again as we struggled and the bullet spent itself somewhere into the night sky.

I felt a jolt of pure terror go through me and every hair stood on end. There was something unnatural about this guy. He was unbelievable strong, like a mountain gorilla, and his breath was cold as late November, and stank of the crypt. I shrieked in sheer horror as he went for my throat, fangs bared. Where did he get those fangs?

I managed to wrench the gun free and blasted it right in his face, right in his grinning chops. Again the ripple, like the disturbance of a reflection on pond water. He grinned, plucked the gun from my suddenly nerveless fingers and dropped it over the railing.

"You should know better than to monkey around with Vlad the Inhaler," he said. "You are about to become the permanently missing link."

That was it. Time to get serious. "BUNDOLO!!!" I shrieked, and drove my head and shoulders full tilt into his guts, clawing at his legs with my outstretched arms. I managed to knock him off balance, and down we went, kicking, snarling, and gouging. I have fought rogue gorillas in filthy waterfront dives, I have battled berserk bonobos in Brooklyn alleyways, and boxed drunken orangutans in illegal fight pits for quarters, but I ain't never fought a dirtier player than this guy. He kept tryin' to bite me. I laid blows on him that would have killed a prizefighter stone dead. I grabbed his ears and battered his head against a marble pillar till it busted...the pillar, I mean, not his damned head. I drove my knee inta his crotch so hard that it must've reached his breastbone, and still the bastard wouldn't quit. What really made my flesh crawl was this...I felt like I was fightin' with a corpse or a zombie or somethin', cos nothing I did seemed to register on this bird. He was impervious to pain. I wish I could say this same, cos I was startin' to hurt all over.

This guy wasn't human.

He got his hands on my throat and started to squeeze the life out of me while I beat on his brain pan. Nothing would make him let go. I clapped both hands on his ears hard. That shoulda busted his eardrums and fried his brains, but he just snarled and kept throttling me, so I stuck my thumbs in his eyes. That momentariy threw him and I pulled an old trick, hooking two fingers into his flaring nostrils and pulling hard.

I'll tell ya...when someone pulls you by the nostrils, baby, you go wherever they tell ya to. I lofted him right over the balcony and he fell with a hollow screech and crashed into a rain barrel down at street level. The rain barrel busted wide open and he burst out of it, skaking the water off violently. Several alley cats fled in starck terror. He looked up at me, his fangs glistening and a look of utter hatred in his eyes.

"You haven't seen the last of me, Chongo," he hissed. Then he vanished into the shadows and was gone.

I was not too eager to follow him. That guy shoulda been dead about ten times over by now. I was beginnin' to realize that I could be in over my head here. I found my hat, checked my aching limbs to see if everything was still workin' right, then climbed down to the street and found my gun. Everything was silent. I had the feeling that Vlad was long gone for the time being. Fine with me. I reloaded the .45 and headed back to the club.

None of 'em had noticed a thing. That's what that dumb hillbilly music'll do to people. They lose all awareness under its influence. I walked straight up to Rhymin' Simon, the sap who had hired me to catch a "vampire". "Hey, Simon," I said, "lemme buy you a drink. I thought you was a sap, but I guess you are a straight shooter after all."

We had a couple of drinks and discussed vampires. I told Simon to keep a close eye on Magenta at all times and to get her to wear garlic. Lots of it. I didn't read them crazy library books for nothin'. It was worth a try.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 14 Jun 04 - 11:36 AM

Magenta gazed at Chongo as he rose to leave the room. Those cheekbones.. She knew that she wanted to see him again, she wanted more. Chongo leaned towards her and looked down into her beautiful big eyes.

Babe, you got class. Thanks for the good times. And he picked up his hat, adjusted the collar of his trench coat, and walked out the door. Magenta's heart was beating, her thighs aching. No, she was not going to let him go so easily. She ran to the door, clutching that banana and calling out to him.

But it was too late, he was gone.

She turned back into the room, to hear Simon singing The Grisly Bride. Micca and Leadfingers were debating the difference between plastic and genuine tortoiseshell picks, and Jacqui and Kendall were chatting quietly in the corner.

Somehow, Magenta knew she would see him again, sometime, somewhere.

She wandered over to the table, and looked at the appetisers. The only food available was insipid, bloodless, and flat. Suddenly, all she felt like was some raw mince.. or a good, juicy steak, underdone.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Little Hawk
Date: 15 Jun 04 - 12:13 AM

My gosh...Chongo's little synapses will fry when he reads that last submission! Ook! Ook! Ook!   Too bad he's away at the moment, testifying at the big "monkey trial" in Albany. I will draw his attention to this torrid tale when he returns. He's been pretty busy lately.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 15 Jun 04 - 08:44 PM

I was up late that night. Real late. I was plowing through the stack of well-thumbed library books Janie had left. Mostly Hollywood movie stuff. The usual nonsense, but here and there there was a gem of real information that might prove useful. I no longer doubted the existence of vampires.

There was one really old book Janie had dug up somewhere. It was so old it creaked when you turned the pages. This one had some woodcuts and transcriptions of old medieval tales from somewhere in Eastern Europe. A region called Transylvania. It means "the place that's across the forests". It seemed like vampires went way back in Transylvania. I already heard of the place, of course, at the movies, but this book had stuff I never heard of before. It made the little hairs on my neck and back stand up stiff. It was the feelin' you get when a leopard is checkin' you out, but you don't know where he is yet.

I had never been so glad my office didn't have any windows. Not even when the North Side Gorillas and the South Side Baboons had put me on the hit list and every hatchet monkey in central Chicago was out lookin' to ventilate me with a hot tommy gun. Not even then. There was somethin' out there in the Chicago night and it had my name and address. I wanted to be ready when Vlad came callin'.

I staying up till dawn, readin' manuscripts written by monks that had gone slowly mad in mouldering old castles whose names have long been forgotten. I read stories of things that came out of the night and carried off women...beautiful women...just like Kong did.

It figures. If you're gonna carry off somethin', you sure can't beat carryin' off a classy babe. A real looker. Like Magenta. That got me thinkin' about her legs again. This wouldn't do. I had a case to crack and a bottle of whiskey to kill.

I woke up when Janie came in at 8 AM sharp, like she always does, cheerful like she always is. Janie is a good kid, but who needs good cheer at 8 AM when he's got a hangover the size of Manhattan?

I groaned, glared at the empty whisky bottle and shuffled off upstairs. "Wake me at 11:30," I croaked, as I went out the door. "Thank Kong them stinkin' vampires go to bed at dawn..."

- Chongo


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Little Hawk
Date: 16 Jun 04 - 10:36 PM

Chongo got into a bottle of banana liquer and is blotto. Expect him back in a day or so...


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 17 Jun 04 - 10:38 PM

Magenta was tossing and turning in bed. Simon looked at her, her beautiful white skin and long raven hair. He knew that, of all the women in his life, she was his old lady, the one. She was cute, she didn't talk too much, like some airheads he had met, and what she said was worth listening to.

Her singing voice was something else - Joan Baez meets Judy Collins. She could sing the arse off a nightingale. He adored her, in his own selfish way. And Simon was worried. That freak at the pub last night, Vladimir, sashaying about in his upmarket Goth suit. I wish the hell he'd piss off out of her dreams, he thought. And that hairy Chongo - Simon was not racist, but this guy was bloody Neanderthal. Typical bloody women - they say they want a man who can talk to them, a gentleman, someone sensitive, but they all get hooked into these muscular, he men types, whatever the hell they pretend to themselves, they're hooked by the hairies. Well, Simon wasn't going to let Magenta go that easily. And Chongo HAD proven effective in pissing off Vlad the Cad. Maybe Simon could use this situation to his and Magenta's advantage, somehow.

Magenta was obviously dreaming, she was tossing and mumbling in her sleep, something about mince. Stange, Magenta was a veg - she's obviously been suppressing her desire for a good peiece of meat for sometime, thought Simon.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Jun 04 - 07:50 AM

Chongo pulled on his trenchcoat, adjusted his fedora, checked his gat, and swung on out the door. Time to get this day happening in style, even if he was up kinda late.

"Anybody calls, I'm out ta lunch, Janie!"

He headed for Roscoe's. You could get a great meal there for only a buck, and the clientele was interesting. Lots of apes and monkeys, mixed in with a certain number of working class humans. Maybe Nymbel, the capuchin, would be around. Chongo hoped so. He intended to get Nymbel started on activating the monkey telegraph and find this Vlad character. Vampires had to go somewhere when they slept and Chongo was gonna find out where.

It was a bright sunny day. Good to see, despite the lingering whispers of Chongo's hangover. You weren't gonna get jumped by no vampire on a sunny day.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 26 Jun 04 - 11:38 AM

Vladimir sat gazing across the city. His fierce eyes searched the skyline for bats. His mind was focussed only on one being - Magenta. Vladimir was practising the lost Transylvanian art of soul-singing. He was projecting his mind into Magenta, singing to her a strange songf of the night, haunting her in her dreams..

It is the cause, it is the cause, my soul,--
Let me not name it to you, you chaste stars!--
It is the cause. Yet I'll not shed her blood;
Nor scar that whiter skin of hers than snow,
And smooth as monumental alabaster.
Yet she must die, else she'll betray more men.
Put out the light, and then put out the light:
If I quench thee, thou flaming minister,
I can again thy former light restore,
Should I repent me: but once put out thy light,
Thou cunning'st pattern of excelling nature,
I know not where is that Transylvannian heat
That can thy light resume. When I have pluck'd the rose,
I cannot give it vital growth again.
It must needs wither: I'll smell it on the tree.

In his mind, he kissed her..

Ah balmy breath, that dost almost persuade
Justice to break her sword! One more, one more.
Be thus when thou art dead, and I will kill thee,
And love thee after. One more, and this the last:
So sweet was ne'er so fatal. I must weep,
But they are cruel tears: this sorrow's heavenly;
It strikes where it doth love. She wakes.

(with apologies to W.S.)


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Little Hawk
Date: 26 Jun 04 - 12:58 PM

Whoo hoo! Great poetry!


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 26 Jun 04 - 08:02 PM

Othello to the sleeping Desdemona..


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,amalia clawall
Date: 26 Jun 04 - 09:41 PM

The dreams were powerful. Magenta lay, murmuring through her blood red lips, as images of a compelling man in black flashed in and out of her consciousness. Simon looked at her. Must be those onion sandwiches she ate so late before sleep, he thought.

But occasionally he could hear her mutterings, and she was not whispering about onions.. He caught occasional phrases such as "Bavaria" "Black nylons", "RH positive" and "sharpened dentures".

Rhymin Simon was burnt out. It had been a long, hard night and all he wanted was a good smoke. Chongo had done his thing, that freak in the Goth suit had pissed off, surely it was over now?

Simon went and rested his weary bones in the faded armchair. He pulled out his trusty bong, and lit up.

When would everything be normal again?


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 27 Jun 04 - 06:00 PM

When had anything ever been normal? I asked myself that as I tryed to shake off the effects of too little sleep and way too much alcohol. The answer was, not since I jumped a boat and left Africa, and headed for the "Land of the Free". Ha! That was a good joke. Oh yeah, a chimp was free in America all right! Free to bum around on the street, free to sell newspapers on a corner, free to shine shoes and haul trash, free to rot in some walk-up hole on the bad side of town while the humans drove by in Duesenbergs and would maybe throw you a dime if you made funny faces for them.

Yeah, I'd seen the "freedom" on the streets of New York, man, and I ain't forgot nothin'.

Still, I loved the place. I would never go back to the jungle, knowin' what I know now. I loved the cars, I loved the music, I loved the skyscrapers towering up against the skies. I loved the noise, the bustle, the dirt, and the smell of danger on the streets of Chicago. My town. The place where I first hung out my sign. The city where two things talked....a fistful of money and a loaded gat. It was ugly, but, man, it was beautiful.

Nothin' had been the same since Kong did his thing back in '33 and took his final swan dive off the Empire State Building after swatting an army air force plane right out of the sky. Apes could hold their heads high now, even if we were still 3rd class citizens in the eyes of the "good people", meaning the rich white folks and their white bread middle class runners-up. We were a notch below the negros on the pecking order in those days. Because of that I always had a sympathy for the black folks, but it was complicated by my previous experiences in Africa where black tribesmen used to hunt us chimps down and eat us! So, you know, I had mixed feelings on the matter, but I understood discrimination in America. There ain't no ape or monkey that doesn't know about that.

So that was America. The land of the fast buck, the great jazz band, the bum's rush, and the "Chicago overcoat"...our name for a coffin. Love it or leave it. I chose to stay.

Another thing America had that was worth stayin' for was Roscoe's. Now in those days a "roscoe" could be a guy's name...or it could more likely mean a gun, a rod, a gat, you get the picture. So this place had a nice sign in the shape of a .44 hangin' by the entrance, and they said Dillinger had eaten there, but I don't know if it's true. The fact was, though, I never seen anything bad go down at Roscoe's. It was just a good, cheap place to eat for the workin' man or ape, and the workin' monkey too. They didn't discriminate at Roscoe's. Due to that its clientele was mostly simians, blacks, and blue collar whites, and that suited me fine. We were our own little league of nations in Roscoe's and everybody got along okay.

The first thing I seen when I entered was Elroy, the howler monkey, Nagumachi the Macaque, and Nymbel the Capuchin monkey. They waved me over and started spillin' the latest chatter. The usual stuff. Contraband bananas could be had if you contacted a certain baboon over on Vangarten Ave...there were always ways, even with the war rationing in effect. It was illegal, but I didn't give a damn about that. Simians need their bananas, and the stuff is harmless anyway. It ain't nobody's business to police bananas as far as I can see.

"You got a case, Chongo?" asked Elroy after a bit. "You look tired, like you been workin' late on a case or somep'n."

"Matter of fact, I do."

"Who you after this time, Chongo?" piped Nymbel in his squeaky little frantic voice.

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

Well, then they just had to know. I held out for awhile, bein' mysterious. Then I swore 'em to secrecy. That got their attention.

"What works all night, ain't never seen by day, and sucks yer blood right outa yer veins?" I asked.

"A loan shark!" said Elroy.

"A fixer!"[a lawyer] said Nagumachi.

"A...immigration officer!" gasped Nymbel.

I gave 'em my longest, hardest stare. "Nope. Worse than that. A freakin' vampire."

They goggled at me like I'd lost my linguini bowl. "Yeah, I know what yer thinkin'...yer thinkin' I've had one too many banana louie's. Well, I ain't. A freakin' vampire named Vlad the Inhaler is in town, and he tried to blip me off last night on the balcony at the Black Lion. I put a hot slug right in the sucker's shoulder and another one in his face...point blank...and he never even blinked. I'm sore all over from keepin' the bastard's fangs outa my throat, and I've still got the bruises. He was stronger than ANY human, strong as a mountain gorilla. I got lucky, that's all. I need help with this one, guys. So...whaddya think about that?"

"What did he look like?" asked Nagumachi. I described Vlad in detail.

"This is givin' me the creeps," muttered Elroy, looking around nervously.

"Don't worry. They don't come out by day. I been readin' books about 'em."

"Wh-what are they?" chattered Nymbel. "Where do they come from?"

"I don't know, but I'll tell ya this. I am gonna find out. And then I am gonna send this Vlad straight to the clink...or to vampire Hell. Whatever works. And if you guys call yourselves true simians who ain't afraid of nothin'...you are gonna help me."

Well, no monkey or ape backs down from a challenge like that. Inside of 15 minutes we had worked out a plan to get the old "grapevine" going and find out more about this Vlad character...like where he hung his hat. Preferably before sunset. If not, I planned to buy at least a bushel of fresh garlic and keep it handy at all times. I'd rather stink than be pushin' up daisies before my time.

- Chongo Chimp


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Little Hawk
Date: 27 Jun 04 - 09:03 PM

Neither Rhymin' Simon nor Magenta would have noticed anything different as dusk crept over Chicago that night, but many eyes were watching. Closeset, sharp, simian eyes. They were watching from every roof, tree, and fire escape. Howlers, Capuchins, Rhesus monkeys, Barbary Apes, Baboons, Macaques, and Proboscis monkeys...who were known to be nosy even on their off days. The word was out on the streets, courtesy of Nymbel, Nagumachi and Elroy.

Chongo was in his office, hanging garlic up around the doors and pondering his available firepower skeptically...it appeared that guns were useless against vampires. Still, he hadn't tried a Thompson submachine gun out on Vlad yet, and there was something very reassuring about tommy guns. "Too bad they don't make garlic-flavoured bullets," he mused.

"Hmmm...." He eyed the tommy gun thoughtfully.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Little Hawk
Date: 28 Jun 04 - 03:53 PM

Nagumachi was doing his evening tea ceremony, as was his habit. Being a Japanese Macaque was a nervous business in 1943 Chicago, but Nagamuchi kept up the old traditions in any case, while trying not to run afoul of any anti-Japanese sentiment. Fortunately, most Americans were unaware that Macaques were connected with Japan. As for his fellow apes and monkeys, they were not much concerned with the wartime racially motivated propaganda, other than having a basic level of patriotism to hometown America. One human, after all, was pretty much like another! Primates were not deemed draftable, being considered "less than human" by the US military, and that had turned out to be convenient for them on the whole. (Chongo actually had received a draft notice, much to everyone's amusement, and it had taken him weeks to get it straightened out with the bureaucrats! It had either been a clerical error...or someone's idea of a practical joke.)

Chongo had in the meantime run down some Nazi spies with assistance from the redoutable police detective Lance Drecker and Kerchak the gorilla, former enforcer for the North Side Gorillas. Kerchak was rumoured to have volunteered for some kind of secret service job and had not been seen in town lately, while Chongo had been awarded some kind of citation by a grateful nation, but Nagumachi didn't know much about that story. Chongo had been close-mouthed about it for some reason.

Nagumachi sighed, thinking of his relatives in faraway Japan, a nation now reeling under a growing series of military setbacks in the South Pacific. Things could only get worse back home. Meanwhile he had a life to live, hopefully in relative peace...and a vampire to track down.

Nasty business.

As he finished his meditation Nagumachi noted that the sun was just vanishing below the horizon. Somewhere in that great metropolis Vlad the Inhaler was stirring...


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 28 Jun 04 - 08:15 PM

The Waterbury Walnut Parlor Clock chimed six times. Vladimir yawned, stretched, and wriggled his toes, in anticipation of the coming night.   He cuddled up to his Batty. Batty was a woollen, stuffed animal made in the form of a bat and given to him as a small child by his beloved grandmother, Draconia.

Vladimir had ditched the Steak and Kidney for a much more salubrious establishment - The Stafford hotel, St James'Place, just up the road from White's. He was staying in his favourite room, decorated in shades of scarlet and vermilian...

Vlad tossed on his kimino, a black silk robe embroidered with dragon bats and princesses, interlocked with each other in an intricate pattern of winding scales, billowing hair and delicately stitched sprays of blood.. He wandered across to the window and inched aside the curtain, gazing with satisfaction at the indigo drenched sky.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Little Hawk
Date: 29 Jun 04 - 12:47 PM

Ook! Ook! Ook! What a great scene! Such atmosphere.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 30 Jun 04 - 10:03 AM

Vladimir was meticulous about his personal habits. He watched as the spa bath slowly filled with warm water, and as little droplets of witch hazel swirled through the water. Vladimir then poured a quarter of a vial of peppermint essence into the bath. The witch hazel would mollify his exhausted skin, the peppermint oil wafted into the atmosphere, invigorating and stimulating his mind, refreshing his lungs and vitalising his organs.

From his suite's drawing room flooded the voice of Yoshikazu Mera, the Japanese counter-tenor. Vladimir had a large classical collection, Yoshikazu Mera he considered the king of counter tenors. As Vlad sank into the steaming water, Yoshikazu's voice ebbed and soared as he sang a traditional Japanese Song Of Dusk - For The Night To Receive The Dead...

Vladimir knew only that he had to find a decent place to eat, that was open late, with fresh supplies in a quiet, outdoors area. London was proving a little difficult, since that Chongo villain had entered the piece. Vladimir settled in, his skin softening in the soft water, his fingertips wrinkling, his muscles relaxing.
There was no point going to pubs or clubs, they were too crowded. Vald needed night, and he needed somewhere.. discreet. Glastonbury, perhaps?

For some time he lay back, as the jets of water bubbled and pulsated around his long elegant limbs. Vladimir sucked the juices of his own mouth, as the haunting caramel tones ebbed and flowed in and out of his spirit. As he listened, he imagined Mera's disembodied head floating above him, with bloody entrails dripping from his severed neck, while the glorious, incandescent song soared from Mera's divine lips..... . . .


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 30 Jun 04 - 10:26 AM

Sandra, Jennyo, JennyG and Freda had been waiting all afternoon for Magenta. They met once a month, in a small group they called Women Who Run With the Dingoes.. Each month, one took the floor,and shared with her sisters a fairy tale or legend of obscure origin. Then, they took turns, dissecting and debating its images and symbols, relating them to their own hopes and dreams. In retelling the ancient stories, the women revived the old ancestral passions, in so doing giving them new form and new power.

This month they were at Freda's place, sitting on her old paisley lounge, feet caressing the Persian carpet, surrounded by artworks, books, and soft music. Through the huge window they could see the beautiful leaves of the Japanese maple outside Freda's back door, draping the tree in shades of red, gold and ochre.

As usual her son had left a dreadful mess in the kitchen.

"It's unusual for her to be so late".
"It's so dark now - should we put the food on?"

Freda was whipping raw garlic, tomato and onion. The crackers were out, the baked ricotta cheese and basil was waiting, all in all it would be a tasty entree, and keep them going while Magenta told her story.

Knock.. Knock.. Knock...

Freda washed the onion off her fingers and opened the door. Magenta looked a little pale, she thought, but she gave her a big hug and took her inside. Baxter, the three legged cat, followed them in.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 09 Jul 04 - 12:16 PM

Magenta came in and sat down on the old couch. The story was welling up in her, she knew they'd enjoy it. She asked Freda to turn the light down, it was much easier to create atmosphere in the dark.

As Magenta rose to tell her tale, the light from a flickering candle lit up her face, her long raven hair flowed around her like a black cloak. Her lilac dress fell in folds to the floor. Her voice was low and hypnotic.

"Once, in the ancient times, there lived a beautiful and powerful queen, called Lamia. Lamia had lips like crushed pomegranites, hair like a river of fire, and a body carved of the purest mashed potato - white, savoury, and very comforting. Lamia was very beautiful and attracted the attention of the ever-watchful and far-seeing Zeus. He wooed her passionately, and when they came together the galaxies shook. He had many fair and beloved children with Lamia, but eventually Hera discovered their involvement and kidnapped the children. They disappeared, never to be seen again. Lamia felt like her heart was ripped into a thousand peices, her scream could be heard from one end of the universe to another. This loss drove Lamia insane...

JennyG was feeling a little nervous - Magenta seemed very dramatic tonight.

Lamia's body, previously a vehicle of all the gentle and venusian arts, became engorged with hatred and grief. ...in revenge and despair she flew through the shadows, she became ugly and grotesque. Zeus gave her the power to take out her eyes and then reinsert them... She obsessively wandered the earth as a phantom, and took pleasure in kidnapping young children, and ripping their flesh with her long, sharp fangs..

Sometimes, when the mood took her, Lamia morphed herself into a seductived and irresistable woman. Queen of the sensuous arts, by her voluptuous artifice she attracted young men, in order to enjoy their fresh, youthful, and pure flesh and blood....

A car door slammed outside. Er, that'll be Himself, said jennyG, I'd better be off. Uh, thanks for the story, Magenta.. and she quickly sped out the door and off home.

Sandra and JennyO looked at each other nervously.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 09 Jul 04 - 11:43 PM

jennyG stood on the front doorstep, the door closed behind her. No, it wasn't Himself, it was a taxi, but she was glad to be out of there anyway. He'd turn up in a minute, and in the meantime she'd try and forget that horrible story that Magenta had told. ewhhhh...


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: JennieG
Date: 10 Jul 04 - 09:55 PM

AS JennieG stood on the doorstep the taxi slowly stopped. The driver reached back and opened the door....and slowly, as thogh mesmerised, she stepped in.

There was already someone sitting on the back seat, his eyes glowing green in the moonlight, teeth shining faintly. Someone she had been waiting for all her life....


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 10 Jul 04 - 10:48 PM

Vladimir was thrilled. Who was this comely, russet haired angel? Her grey green eyes like pools of liquid water, the long, tawny locks like a fading fire? the lily white skin, scattered with gentle freckles like venusian stardust?

He knew that he could stir her embers... As he paid the strangely familiar looking taxi driver in the hat, Vladimir felt that all his Satanmasses had come at once...

He took her quivering arm and led her into the street. She was like a startled fawn, compliant, delicate, juicy....

"What is your name, sweet lamb", he whispered.

"Jennie Grace, and yours?""


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,Bleeding Gums Boris
Date: 10 Jul 04 - 11:08 PM

"I am Count Vladimir the Inhaler, also known as Mudvig of Catnipia, the Third. I fall at your feet, comely lass, overtaken with joy at the sight of your fair gentleness." The towering Vlad fell to his knees, his black cape folding around him. JennieG gazed into his hypnotic eyes, her heart beating passionately.

Who was this handsome stranger, gazing at her like some towering Goth? Jeremy Irons with black hair dye and lipstick? Daniel Day Lewis in a cloak? It was all so much Jennie forgot her little self and burped...

Vlad was overcome with a gaseous blast of garlic. He could feel his very liver curdling.. his stomach retching and his bones turning to milk.. He plunged his head into a nearby Hydrangea bush and vomited profoundly.

In the same moment, a car horn beeped. JennieG looked across to see, none other than, Himself.. relieved, she ran quickly across the road, into his warm and comforting arms. "How was the night, love?"


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Little Hawk
Date: 11 Jul 04 - 08:50 PM

Due to some unexplained anomaly in the fabric of time and space, Chongo had found himself unexpectedly living out a crime-solving episode in Chicago, USA and London, UK...at the same time! Not only that, in two different time periods! One minute he was on a street in 1940's Chicago, the next minute he was hailing a cab in Picadilly during...what? The Nineties? Hard to say. It was damned confusing, and it made it hard to concentrate on his job...which was to track down a vampire and put him on ice and rescue the fair maiden, Magenta.

There was one twist to the whole thing that intrigued Chongo, however. Although it was unacceptable...completely unacceptable...for a chimp to get romantically involved with a human dame in 1940's Chicago......it might not be unacceptable in London during whatever time period he was in...during the London sections of this caper.

This was going to be darned tricky. Thinking about it, the challenge appealed to him. Maybe, just maybe, he was going to get lucky. Unbelievably lucky. Weak-at-the-knees lucky! Million dollar banana lucky!!!

Chongo adjusted his fedora, and stepped jauntily out into the night. But was it a London night or a Chicago night?

"Bloody 'ell! Is that Austin Powers????" remarked a young gent to his companion. "Wait...no...'is teeth are bet'ter than Austin Powers' teeth. Crikey! 'E's an ugly one, though!"

It was clearly London at the moment.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 14 Jul 04 - 09:10 AM

Chongo locked the car and strode towards Magenta's house. He'd had several near misses that night - maniacs on the road. All driving on the wrong side. And horns beeping like there was no tomorrow. These English drivers were all bark and no bite, he thought. If this was Chicago, there'd have been a 53 car pile up.

Chong knew he was close. He had located Vlad with a gold credit card check. He followed him from the ritzy joint in St James'Place to this terrace house. As he walked up the front step, Chongo was whacked by a pungent odour, coming from the hydrangeas.

"Some yuppy gardener's coated the place with chicken shit." He looked about the front of the house, wondering why the hell Vlad had gone there. Stepping lightly, he shuffled around to the back yard, swinging himself casually over a tall brick wall.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,amalia clawall
Date: 14 Jul 04 - 09:36 AM

The door closed quietly behind JennyG.

Sandra, Jennyo, and Freda sat dumbstruck, wondering what the hell they could say to Magenta about the psychological impulses behind her stories that night. What could they, as women, learn from the archetypal themes Magenta had laid before them tonight, in her potent and powerful tale? Usually they pondered how, as sisters, they could strengthen their bonds against the oppressive male patriarchy that these stories often portrayed.

Most sessions, at least one would feel moved by the story of the night, and reveal a tale of abuse or betrayal from their past, as the themes triggered memories and feelings all too painful.. But tonight, they were all strangely silent, watching Magenta, who was breathing heavily and seemed overwhelmed by the bloody images she had just described.

As Freda got up and turned the light on, Baxter, her three legged cat, climbed up to the window and out.

Within a few seconds, ..HISSSSSS... WOWWWWWEEEE... Baxter lept back in, back arched, hair electrified, screamed, leapt onto Jennyo's lap, gripping his legs into her cloak and howling til his eyes popped.

Shiva, muttered Freda, what's out there?


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,Lucavan
Date: 15 Jul 04 - 03:11 PM

Martin Gibson is an eggsucking moron!!!

Excuse me for this unpleasant intrusion. I just thought it would help keep this very worthy thread refreshed and near the top of the board for awhile.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 15 Jul 04 - 07:31 PM

hi Lucavan

thanks for your intrusion - martin actually has a little role in the Black Lion, earlier in the piece on this thread. But if you want to understand Martin, check out this thread, we have a comedian here in Oz who has a similar style of machine gun humour. (don't know if he eats weiner dogs or whatever)

www.austentayshus.com

best wishes

freda


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Once Famous
Date: 15 Jul 04 - 11:04 PM

Hi Lucavan!

I know what you suck and it squirts more than an egg does!


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 18 Jul 04 - 04:39 AM

Chongo adjusted his trench coat – he'd had a quick check of the scene, and it was clear that there was more than daisies in this garden. In fact, Chongo couldn't work it all out. What in carnation was that flying past? A flying cat?

Maybe he'd smoked one too many funny one that afternoon. Just his luck, crawling about in the mud, climbing over fences, peering into windows. Everyone else home. Families, baked dinners, warm fires. And here he was, chasing some weirdo in a cape, sneaking through chickenshit. This was no life.

Chongo was just about to pack it in, when a familiar sound sent a shiver down his hairy back. A laugh, he knew that voice.. what?


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 18 Jul 04 - 05:09 AM

Jennyo was stunned. Baxter was okay, an old cat, standoffish on occasion, liked his food. She had never seen him so wound up. Sandra pursed her lips and kept knitting. She was knitting a long scarf in shades of rose, carmine and indigo. Freda was peering out the window – and her leg hairs stood on end… She was sure she could see a dark shape, very still, behind the Japanese maple.

Magenta looked up, smiling. "What do you think, girls?"

Sandra paused, "Well, why don't you tell us, Magenta, what's in it for you with this vampire stuff? "

Magenta smiled. The mythology of Lamia is that of the survivor, saying "I'm not going to be oppressed. I think every woman should revolt. That's part of growing up, right? You have to revolt, branch out, and move things forward.

"This is new, for you Magenta", said Jennyo, "you're usually so accepting"

Magenta laughed. " I'm sick of being a doormat, she said. I think life should be initiating. You know, we join these groups and go through these theatrical performances about what initiation is, but it should be related to the everyday world and that should be the real adventure and initiation, not to isolate yourself in the Mudcat chat room or whatever. Real initiation takes place in the outside world. These experiences we put ourselves through should be a catalyst to initiation.

"And why Lamia" said Freda.
"Lamia is a symbol" said Magenta. " She has shown me that there's another way.. I don't want to be passive. I don't want to be a victim. I don't want life to be a choice between one night stands with Casanovas, and washing Simon's socks. Lamia has shown me that we see things as they are and not as, our egos would like to see things…. I've realised that either men use me or I use them, you have to be either a victim or a persecutor. And I'm not going to be a victim any more…

And I'm so sick of being good all the time. Good and evil are two sides of a coin, light and darkness. Both exist in nature, and the world is suffering because we're all trying to be so good, yet letting ourselves be walked over by evil. It's TIME TO RISE UP AND AVENGE THE OPPRESSION OF OUR WILL, TO GAIN OUR PERSONAL POWER! "
Sandra, Jennyo, and Freda nodded. It all made sense. Magenta looked more alive than they'd seen her for ages. Maybe this was a good thing?


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 18 Jul 04 - 05:57 AM

Vladimir was standing very still, behind an old brick outhouse in the back yard. He had been watching Chongo shuffling, sneaking, wandering through the flowers and trees. Vladimir eyed him, itching to pounce, waiting for the perfect moment, when WOOOSSSH! SPLAT!!!!

The furry black shape fell at his feet, as another flapped past, frantically heading towards a huge old oak in th next yard..

" The Universe provides once more". Vladimir smiled, and forgot all about Chongo as he peeled back the little bat's skin. It wriggled, screeched and flapped in vain while Vlad ripped his teeth into its bleeding flesh, biting again and again in frenzied delight..


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,bleeding gums boris
Date: 18 Jul 04 - 06:49 AM

Chongo scratched his hairy little ape skull in puzzlement. There, underneath the hydrangea, was not chickenshit, but the most foul smelling canned vegies he's ever seen, with something black and rubbery sticking out….. bat wings…. Whoever these people were, they needed to learn how to compost properly.

He followed the sound of women's voices, standing under the window, where he could see…

Her beautiful curves, listen to her honey voice, and think about running his fingers through her long, black, glossy hair.. Chongo forgot everything and quietly watched, as Magenta was standing, waving her arms, and shouting something about overcoming oppression of a will... was she having probate problems?


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,Natasha Smasher
Date: 18 Jul 04 - 07:06 AM

Bertie the bat manged to flutter across to the oak, his face all covered in fresh blood, parks himself in a hollow of the tree to get some rest. No such luck. Pretty soon all the other bats in the tree can smell the blood, and begin hassling him about where he got it. He tells them to get nicked and let him get some sleep, but they persist until he finally gives in.

"Okay, follow me", he says, with the gorgeous blood still dripping from his mouth, and flies out of the tree with hundreds of bats behind him. Across the back yard, over a few roofs and fences. Finally Bertie slows down and all the other bats excitedly swarm around, tongues hanging out for blood.

"Do you see that brick outhouse over there?" he asks.

"Yes!Yes!Yes!" the bats all scream in a frenzy.

"Good, because I didn't".


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,amalia clawall
Date: 18 Jul 04 - 08:01 AM

Well, after all this, the night had been uneventful. It had given Chongo a chance to do a few wheelies in his chocolate and tan Packard. He had followed Vlad, who had managed to leap over a fence somewhere.

Then he saw her. Chongo couldn't help himself...he grinned widely, cos she had those looong legs. Magenta walked out the front door, down the street, and into .....

the Black Lion. What was it with this joint? Those damn beatniks with their beards and the strange noises they made, sometimes all wailing together. However, any chance to be near that dame was worth it.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 18 Jul 04 - 08:28 AM

Vladimir had seen Magenta come in here, and slipped in through the back window, to the gents. In the peace and quiet of the cubicle, he brought a little plastic bag with white powder out of his pocket, and tipped some into a cigarette roley. With two huge snorts, one in each flaring nostril, he was invigorated.

He moved into the bathroom and leant over the sink, washing the coke, and bat's blood off his fingers, nose, and beard. He loved the aroma of bat blood, but there was a time and place for everything. He pressed the button, dried his hands, face and beard meticulously under the blow drier, and filled up the sink. For some reason, Vlad had found that mirrors didn't work for him. So he gazed at his refiection in the water, turning his face from left to right, enjoying what he saw.

Then, he adjusted his cape, popped a mint, and wandered up to the bar, taking the seat right next to Magenta. She gazed up at him with an animated smile, flashing those huge white teeth. Funny, he hadn't noticed the teeth before.

"Vlad, darling, you're back! It's so good to see you", she purred. Vlad watched her beautiful white neck as she spoke, knowing how good it smelt. She was gazing into his eyes, and touched his pin striped trouser with her gentle white hand. This was going well.

Vladimir could see her lilac decoupage rising and falling as he ordered her a cointreau, and a bloody Mary for himself. "Tell me about yourself, Vlad..." she smiled, with a sort of helpless giggle, gazing up at him with those baby blue eyes.

Vlad could feel the vein on his throat throbbing. She was interested in him. No-one had ever asked him about himself before. He gazed down at her, pathetic little minx that she was. This one was going to be fun.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 18 Jul 04 - 09:15 AM

I am Count Vladimir the Inhaler, also known as Mudvig of Catnipia, the Third. I was born in a castle in Lower Catnipia, Transylvania, on Friday the 13th of December, 1763. My mother, Draconia the Seventh, is a wild and powerful woman, as famous in Catnipia for her dragon riding as for her collection of pet bats.

"At least this guy's got some imagination", thought Magenta, I'm so sick of those beer sodden football louts and boring accountants. This is going to be fun"..

"As a child, my tutor Hermann was directed to instruct me in the Greater Arts – Greek, Latin, Physics, Sword Fighting, Harmonics, Wrestling, Mathematics and Sanskrit. Hermann was a strict master, as I soon learnt if I misplaced my logarithms or muddled a mantra. He would order me to kneel at his feet, to disrobe from the waist up, and submit to wild thrashings from his dragon-tail whip. I learnt to be a proud and dedicated student, and soon, no-one in all Catnipia could better my understanding of Alchemy, Medieval tapestry technique or the preparation of curried bats.

But, within me, my soul was oppressed by the constant beatings, and my heart became a bitter and bleeding flower, longing for love.

"Here we go," thought Magenta, another bloody emotionally retarded narcissist wanting a mother figure. Well, he's going to get more than he expects from me"..

She gazed into Vlad's rather pink eyes, and smiled at him, squeezing his arm gently, as she fluttered her lashes...

In the corner of the pub, a dark figure in a coat and fedors sat watching, quietly..


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 18 Jul 04 - 01:11 PM

His name was Svengali, and he should of course, have been wearing a trilby. If you want to get ahead, get a hat, his Mother had said, but he was fed-up with the fedora, and wanted to wear an Akubra. The obvious answer was to get another head. But where?

Giok


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Jul 04 - 08:07 PM

Chongo could hardly believe what he was seeing. That undead Transylvanian scumbag, Vladimir, was "chatting up" Magenta, as the British would say, casting his net about her lovely and vulnerable self in no uncertain fashion...and she appeared to be eating it up! Did she not remember that Vlad was deadly dangerous? How could she have forgotten it?

"She's gotta be hypnotized," he muttered. "It said in them library books that these bloodsuckers have hypnotic powers, and I guess they do. Now he's probably gonna try to sneak her off alone somewhere, make like she's the blood bank and he needs to make a big withdrawal. Rotten creep! He's like a cheap loan shark in a fancy tux." Chongo nursed his drink morosely and watched from the shadows.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Jul 04 - 09:54 PM

Mabel the barmaid had been eyeing Chongo for some time. "Cor!" she remarked to Nigel the waiter. "E's got the 'airiest arms I've ever seen. I bet 'e's an animal be'ind closed doors!"

Nigel shrugged delicately, and collected his next tray of cocktails. "They're all animals behind closed doors, love," he sighed in a worldweary fashion. "Trust me."

Mabel didn't acknowledge Nigel's comment. She was too busy staring at Chongo and breathing heavily. She checked her hair quickly in the mirror, then made for Chongo's table. In her ears she fancied she heard an accompanying musical soundtrack, matched to her every scintillating move. It was Pat Benatar singing "Love is a Battlefield".

Vlad was continuing to reminisce about his misspent youth, and the hideous wallpaper that graced the establishment was still unaccountably maintaining its customary vertical attachment to the dingy walls, despite the fact that it looked ready to crawl out of the room at any moment or grab someone by the throat.

In the distance the uncoiling filth of the Thames crawled slowly like an overfed serpent to its bed in the North Sea.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,amalia clawall
Date: 19 Jul 04 - 01:18 AM

"I, Count Vladimir the Inhaler, also known as Mudvig of Catnipia, was sent to Yale, on the instructions of my grandmother Draconia, to train in the subtle arts of international economic control. My childhood instruction from Hermann proved invaluable, not just the lessons in Mathematics and Discourse. The lessons I learnt from the sword and the whip assisted my rise in the international business world, for I translated the physical laws of endurance, avoidance and control into psychic laws around the boardroom table and in the stock market. I became Vladimir the Invicible..."

"Not only a sook", thought Magenta, "this guy has extreme delusions of grandeur. I guess being knocked around by Hermann over the decades probably did it for him - what a nutcase." Magenta had always been extremely bored by any talk of economics. The topic was as obscure as philosphy, and as reliable. But she knew what she wanted, she was happy to give Vlad a run for his money.

"why, thank you, Vladimir, I'd like another drink", and she smiled sweetly as he nodded to the broad behind the bar.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,Natasha
Date: 19 Jul 04 - 03:58 AM

JennyO and Sandra looked at each other as the door closed behind Magenta. Freda was in the kitchen, bringing out the pavlova. "She's off her flaming rocker" said Jenny, watching as Freda brought in a monstrosity of whipped cream, merangue and passionfruit. "I just can't understand it - she must have been to one of those whacky seminars", muttered Sandra.

"Have some pav" said Freda, setting the pavlova, plates and forks on the table under the window, "what's the prob?" Freda reached across to the bookshelf, and picked up a battered copy of Gloria Steinem's "Outrageous Acts and Everyday Rebellions". "All she wants to do is express herself, give her a break"..

Jenny rolled her eyes. "Listen Freda, just because she wants to be empowered doesn't give her the right to race off young blokes, knock them up and then knock them off..."

"Knock them off? you don't mean.."

"DO THEM IN, FREDA, DO THEM IN!" said Sandra and JennyO in chorus.

Freda paused, and turned round to serve the pavlova. There was Baxter, curled up by the fire, with a face covered of cream, while on the table was an empty plate.

Sandra and Jenny got up, picked up their bags, flung on their shawls and headed for the door. "We're going to find her, Freda, and we know where she always hangs out...... The Black Lion".

They wandered down the street, Freda running along behind them with her hair glowing white under the street lamps.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 19 Jul 04 - 08:04 AM

Vladimir was feeling rather pleased with himself. He was getting a little .. long in the tooth , these days, but the women still melted at his feet. It had been interesting spending time with Magenta, a time of reflection, of self examination, in the highest sense, of course. Somehow she had made him think about things from a long time past..

Magenta was getting impatient. She liked the look of him, tall, bone ivory skin and those piercing eyes. But he did rabbit on so. What the hell was he talking about now?

"In my younger years, Draconia took me often to Paris, for my political education. Often would we stroll through the charming Place de la Concorde, where we observed more than 1300 beheadings. You may think I was mere rabble, stalking the blood, screams and stench of the guillotine. But I admired the technical art of the machinery of the thing, and the quickness and efficiency of its technique. As one of your own poets put it so well…

Bliss was it in that dawn to be alive
But to be young was very heaven!....
Domestic carnage, now filled the whole year
With feast-days, old men from the chimney-nook,
The maiden from the busom of her love,
The mother from the cradle of her babe,
The warrior from the field - all perished, all -
Friends, enemies, of all parties, ages, ranks,
Head after head, and never heads enough
For those that bade them fall.

As he spoke, the familiar calls of Yoshikazu whirled through Vlad's brain, and recalled those tumbling heads, calling like crows into the blood sprayed air..


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 19 Jul 04 - 09:30 AM

All Magenta knew was that he was full of himself. Not one question in her direction, not a whisker of interest in her hopes, dreams, or digestion. He was like reader's digest, blithering on about faded historical events as if he had been there. He's nothing but a hunk of meat, tasty, but needs alittle tenderising, and deserved to be treated exactly as HE was treating her, like an object. She would enjoy reversing roles, once she had a more private opportunity.

Oh, God, here come those ninnies, Freda, JennyO and Sandra. A bunch of old whithersticks, busybodies determined to interfere, maybe even hoping to get their teeth into Vlad. Well, too bad, he's mine, they can go home and sleep with their garters on.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Little Hawk
Date: 19 Jul 04 - 12:21 PM

"Yew look loik a right corker. 'Ow's about buyin' a lady a drink?" Mabel uttered these deathless words as she flounced up to Chongo's table.

Chongo glanced up at her from under his lowered brow ridges. He didn't need this complication right now. "Where is she?" he said, looking around skeptically.

"Wot?" said Mabel. "Roight 'ere, where d'yew think? I was talkin' about meself."

"You're the barmaid, right?" said Chongo. "I don't have to buy you a drink. You can just get one."

"You're an American, aren't you?" said Mabel, examining her nails cooly as she sat down.

"Yeah. I'm from Chicago. Just...um...flew into town, so to speak."

Mabel ran her tongue silkily over her garishly red lips. "Oi knew it. 'As anyone told you you're 'airier than Sean Connery? So, Mr American, are you in London for business...or pleasure...or both?"

"Business," said Chongo.

Mabel looked at him crossly. "Oi'm beginnin' to think you don't loik me."

"Listen, sister," said Chongo. "There are times for this sort of thing and there are other times. This happens to be one of the other times, that's all. Nothin' personal, but I got a life and death matter to take care of right now, and I ain't free."

Mabel drew in her breath sharply, clenched her fists and sprang out of her chair angrily. "You'll be sorry, Mr American! Nobody makes a monkey out of Mabel Blodgett, not in this 'ere establishment!" She stormed off in the direction of the bar.

"Naw...why try and pre-empt what Mother Nature already done better?" said Chongo sarcastically under his breath. He resumed watching what Vlad and Magenta were up to.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw Mabel talking to a couple of ugly looking sods by the bar and pointing his way. Uh-oh. "I have gotta work on bein' more diplomatic," thought Chongo.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 23 Jul 04 - 09:55 AM

"Listen, love", said Mabel to the tall, aesthetic looking man with the shock of brown curly hair. "There's a bloke over there, and I think he's a bit off. He's been sitting there perving at this couple here at the bar for at least half an hour".

"Yes, Mabel", said the Aesthete, "but does he keep goats, otherwise I'm not interested", and he turned to his offsider, a swarthy man reminiscent of Johhny Cash, (lets call him JC) and said, "and they have to be cashmere goats, the others give me rug burn".

JC looked across. "Listen lady, he ain't doing anybody no harm, okay? That'll be six bottles of vodka, thanks".


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 23 Jul 04 - 10:15 AM

Freda and JennyO took a quiet seat in the corner, checking out the scene. The usual crowd was there - a bunch of derros in the corner, drinking beer and singing songs about sheep, Mr Chongo had rolled up and was having a quiet one at his table. The usual balding pseudos in black skivvys, black framed glasses and bad jeans, and a bunch of kids round the pool table.

And there was Magenta, chatting up Vlad like he was the only man in London. Some young women never recovered from the shock of growing breats, thought Freda while jennyO went off to get the drinks.

"Hey, blondie, wanna drink?" Freda looked up to see a pugnacious looking bloke with startlingly deep, dark eyes, a good jaw, and dark hair. She sized him up, checked out the socks and sandals, and said "haven't seen you round here before. Pull up a chair.."

JennyO came back to find Freda deep in conversation with someone she was refrring to as JC. He had a quiet sense of humour, at least, JennyO hoped he was joking about the goats..


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 23 Jul 04 - 12:23 PM

um, and some people never recover from the shock of continually finding spelling errors just in the worst spot..


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Little Hawk
Date: 23 Jul 04 - 12:35 PM

It's even worse when you deliver a stunningly apt diatribe on some vitally important issue and get so excited that you don't realize until after hitting "submit" that you left out one little tiny word in the text...the word "not".


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 24 Jul 04 - 12:12 AM

I can get short and sarcastic when some chippy tries to put the fast move on me and I ain't in the mood. Mind you, this Mabel had an okay set of pins on her and she was the first human dame who had flirted with me in a long time (except for Magenta), but I just didn't like her style and I was too busy keepin' an eye on what old Vlad was up to next.

I guess I shoulda been more polite though. I seen her talkin' to these two plug-uglies by the bar and I knew there was trouble comin'. A chimp can smell trouble the way a hound smells a dead rat. Sure enough, here they came. They had muscles on top of their muscles. Probably between their ears too. One was wearin' a striped T-shirt that was a size too small. The other was dressed in a black AC/DC shirt. I hate AC/DC. He also had several earrings in each cauliflower ear, and they did nothin' for his looks.

I just kept drinkin' my drink. They came and stood over me silently, on either side. I guess they figured on terrifying me first. I took a drag on my Cuban.

"You!" said the striped one, glaring down menacingly. He hadda be at least 6'3". I glanced up at him. "When I need another drink I'll wave," I said.

"You're not gonna need a drink, mate, you're gonna need a doctor," he snarled, making a fist with one hand and smacking it into the palm of his other hand suggestively. "Yeh." said AC/DC, hooking his thumbs in his belt and swaggering.

"Yer buddy AC/DC's got a great command of the language, don't he?" I remarked to Stripes. "A real Shakespeare. So why would I need a doctor? Is the liquor that bad in this dive?"

I watched as the mercury shot up fast in these two bozos' rectal implants. They probably hadn't ever met anybody before who was under five feet tall and this lippy. Like I say, I shoulda been more diplomatic. What the hell. I was just one of those nights when I couldn't be bothered.

"Stand up, you bloody stinking ape!" said Stripes. AC/DC didn't say nothin'. He was too busy practicin' his ugly faces at me.

I took another drag on the cigar. A long one. "First off," I said, "how do you know I ain't already standin' up? Chimps are short. Second, I don't have disagreements with people who ain't had the common decency to introduce themselves first. My name's Chongo. Chongo Chimp. I gotta know your names, and then I will stand up. Otherwise, I suggest you go climb yer thumb somewhere."

I thought they was both gonna swell up and explode at that point. I began to fear for their health. AC/DC looked enraged and baffled at the some time. "Climb up me thumb???" he said thickly. "Wot the 'ell is 'e on about?"

"I'm Peebles," said Stripes, stabbing at his massive chest with his own thumb, "and e's F'rock. Mr Peebles and Mr F'rock to you! We're on security 'ere at this 'ere pub, and you've insulted a lady wot works 'ere. We bust the 'eads of people 'oo insult ladies. Bloody stinking apes we skin alive!"

I looked at the cigar. It was only half smoked. Damn shame. Half of that cigar was about to get wasted. Across the bar Vlad was watching the scene out of the corner of his undead eye whilst continuing to blather on pompously to Magenta. He looked amused.

I stood up. "Frock, you say? Strange name. How do you spell Frock, AC/DC? You do know how to spell, right?"

"You think I'm stupid, don't you?" growled AC/DC, moving in a little closer, and clenching his fists. "I spell me name T-H-R-O-C-K...F'rock!"

"That's what I figured," I said. "But where I come from, bozo, a frock is a frilly little thing that a girl wears. I like that name on you. It fits. Funny, I think I heard about your families before somewhere, in an old story out of Africa. A couple of low class bindle stiffs from Blackpool came down on a tramp steamer. They tried to pull a fast one on Lord Greystoke. You know, the apeman. They made a big mistake. So did your buddy here when he called me a stinkin' ape. You might notice I am now standin' up. You gonna show or you gonna blow?"

That did it. Peebles swore and drove a vicious right at me, which I ducked under as Throck bellowed and charged from the other side. He got Peebles' fist in his face for his troubles, and then got tangled up in the table and chair. I butted Peebles in the gut hard and got my long arms around his chunky midriff. A chimp has very strong arms and a low center of gravity, and I used it to my advantage, rolling on my back and dragging Peebles down on top of me. Then I kicked him in the gut with both feet and propelled him over my head. He met Throck head on, and the two of then went crashing against the wall like some eight-legged abomination out of a bad sci-fi film, knocking down a framed picture of some famous soccer player in the process.

I retrieved the cigar. It was still burning fine, so I took a drag. Peebles and Throck were up again fast and they fanned out, a little more cautious now. I could see Mabel watching out of the corner of my eye. I would need to watch that skirt carefully.

"You see this cigar?" I said. "This is a fine Cuban cigar. I hate to think that because of you two jerks this cigar is gonna be half wasted. I take offence over that. Because of that, I am gonna stick it in someone's nose. Who'll it be?"

Well, they didn't answer that for me. Peebles came at me yelling, swinging hard rights and lefts, so I put the cigar in my mouth, got hold of his right arm and moved him fast in the direction he was already going. It's a technique that works very well. You don't resist a blow, you just help the guy continue along that line till he meets something he doesn't want to meet. He met another table. One with three people and a whole lot of beer on it. They all went down in one great unholy tangle. Meanwhile, Throck had got hold of a chair and was intent on bustin' it over my head. I have a hard head, but there are limits. I waited till he made his move, got under it, and stuck the lit cigar in his nose. He bellowed like a bull and dropped the chair. I did a sweep on him that landed him on his back, picked up the chair and pitched it hard at Peebles, who was coming back for more. The chair disintegrated. Lousy workmanship. Peebles kept coming, so I helped him on his way again. This time I helped him run into the wall. He busted the wallboard and stuck into it headfirst like an armour-piercing shell in the side of a Sherman tank. More lousy workmanship. This pub definitely needed renovating.

Meanwhile, I was surprised to find about five more guys suddenly on my case. I guess they don't like outsiders comin' in and startin' fights in London pubs. Same as Chicago. This could get outa hand. I popped a couple of 'em with solid ape punches that knocked 'em down. Two more leaped on me and we went down in a heap. It's a good thing I've got four good fightin' hands instead of just two. I hadda use 'em. I got hold of these bozos and knocked their heads together, broke loose, and made a leap for the chandelier. It held. Better workmanship.

"Kill the bloody ape!" yelled Throck. They were all milling around below. Then they started throwing beer bottles at me.

"Bundolo!!!" I screamed, giving a mighty pull on the chandelier. It let go and I rode it down into the thick of them. We all went down together. Then I started in seriously with 'em. What a dustup. It wasn't half as scary as the fight with Vlad had been, but it was the best bar fight I remember in a while. I'd say it lasted about 3 minutes. Maybe. They all got in each other's way, which really helped me. We managed to break most of the furniture in the place and somebody stepped on my hat. I wish I knew who it was.

Mabel finally broke the whole thing up when she came out from behind the bar with a snub-nosed revolver and started blasting it at me. Everybody that was still on their feet scattered, and that included me. I gave a mighty yell of "Kreegah!", grabbed my violin case (in which rested the tommy gun) and dove through a handy window into the cool night air. I was up the wall in a flash, then quartered over and took a quick look through another window. What a mess! Mabel was yelling blue murder and in the distance I could hear those funny English cop cars coming.

I noticed one other thing in that moment's hurried glance. Vlad and Magenta were nowhere to be seen...they had left the bar...to where? I hadda find out fast.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 24 Jul 04 - 03:43 AM

Magenta was listening to Vlad as he droned on, this time it was something about the French revolution some sort of machinery.. whatever. As she looked around the bar, she saw a couple of tough looking guys in the corner, standing over someone – she couldn't quite see who – some sort of deal happening. Her thoughts wandered back to Vlad, who was now talking about his antique sword collection.

"It's a short knife with hieroglyphics on the scabbard, rescued from the initial opening of Tutenkhamen's tomb by a digger from Turkey with a drinking problem. I won it from him one night over a bottle of Arak and a game of whist – and its one of over 400 in my collection". Magenta gazed up at Vlad, eyeing off the firm cut of his jaw..

"Vladimir, I would love to see your sword, see you pull it from your scabbard and unfurl it, even.."

"Its one of the finest examples from that era. I also have an early Cinquedea, a small Italian five finger width dagger, deadly in any close up encounter."

"Uh, how thick is this guy", thought Magenta, "I drop him a long hint and he's obsessing about his thrust and stab. "

"..the mercenary troops of Switzerland and Germany used a massive two-hand sword to violate the opposing army's front line." Vlad was enjoying displaying his knowledge.. " The wiliest and strongest would leap ahead with their two-handers, to slice and demolish the invaders. "


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 24 Jul 04 - 04:02 AM

Vladimir looked down at Magenta, savouring her lily white skin, her lips like ripe figs, and her cloak of raven hair. She was hanging off his every word. The sweet, naïve little thing, it almost seemed unfair.

His thoughts were interrupted by shouts and loud noises from the other side of the bar. Irritated, he turned to Magenta. "Those uncouth yobbos – surely you prefer a quiet place to get to know each other, my sweet. WQould you like to come back to the Stafford, for a drink? "

Magenta was smiling inwardly. As they walked towards the door, she could hear a strange sound.. "Bundoloooooooo!!!"


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 24 Jul 04 - 04:17 AM

The door closed behind her. Magenta looked around to see a well accomodated apartment, outfitted in pre-Edwardian furniture and carpeted with a dark red Afghan carpet, hand dyed in shades of scarlet, indigo and carmine. A Waterbury parlor Clock chimed eleven times, as Vlad poured her a sherry. A door partly open was to the bedroom, Magenta could see the light in there flickering, as candles cast dark shadows on the walls. There was a soft frangrance of yalang ylang in the air, Magenta knew the relaxing qualities of this potent aphrodisiac.

On the wall was a tapestry, detailing a huge battle scene, with a dragon flying above. From the turrent of a castle stood a tall woman, dressed in medieval garb, who seemed to be beckoning the dragon...

Vlad emerged from his room, striking in a black and scarlet kimino, with a glass of sherry in each hand.. Magenta could see that he was no longer distracted, no longer self absorbed, but focused singularly and uncannily on her, and only her. As she sipped the sherry, she looked into his eyes, and felt a warm tingling around the inside of her elbows and the back of her ears.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 24 Jul 04 - 04:27 AM

What a gentleman, she thought, as he offered her a rest in the jacuzzi, while he could a light evening snack for them both. She entered the bathroom to find he had left her a matching kimino on the back of the door, this time in pink and apple green, embroidered with apple blossoms and wasps.

She sank down into the warm, enveloping comfort of the water, and turned on the small spray jets that were sending gentle bursts of massaging heat and water onto her thighs. Eyes closed, hair coiled into a pile of soft, raven honey on her head, she listened to the stirring overtones of Beethoven's Violin Concerto in D major, Op 61.

By the bath was a small candle, flickering. Magenta felt more and more relaxed..


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 24 Jul 04 - 10:05 AM

Magenta's fingers and toes were wrinkly, she had been there for some time, listening to the music, turning on the hot tap occasionally, sipping the sherry while she enjoyed the embrace of the clear, warm water and the titillating stimulation of the air jets in the jacuzzi. Magenta had gone through the pile of books and magazines on a little stand by the bath, and had been totally absorbed in one old book she found there, "Draconia the Seventh,Vampire Queen of Catnipia".

A quiet tap on the door reminded Magenta where she was...


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: JennyO
Date: 24 Jul 04 - 12:29 PM

JennyO had also noticed that Vlad and Magenta were nowhere to be seen. She guessed that they must have gone to the Stafford Hotel, and she was worried. Magenta seemed so confident, but had she bitten off more than she could chew, JennyO wondered?

Freda seemed to have forgotten all about the reason why they were here - she was totally absorbed in the new stranger at her table, who now seemed to be talking about teddies. Speaking of which, where was Sandra? Everybody was disappearing!

Just then, Jenny saw Jennie G approaching.

"Himself just dropped me off here", she said, "and I just saw Sandra leaving. She was saying something about an early night and a doll and bear guild meeting"

"Oh", said JennyO. "That at least explains SOME things. Listen, Magenta has disappeared, and I think she has gone to Vlad's apartment. We need to get freda away from that guy, and go there. She might be in trouble."

"Who's that hairy-looking guy over there?", said Jennie G.

"Why that's Mr Chongo", said JennyO. "He seems to have been taking a great interest in Magenta. Oh look, he's coming over."

In one leap, he was by their side. "I think there's something you aughta know about the company your friend's been keeping", he said. "That guy Vlad is a boney fido genu-wine card-carrying vampire, from Catnipia"

"Yeah, I've known guys like that.." JennyO mused.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Little Hawk
Date: 24 Jul 04 - 12:59 PM

"Listen, doll," said Chongo. "You don't know the half of it. This guy Vlad is dangerous. More dangerous than you can guess. He almost killed a girl the other day and he almost killed me when I stepped in to save her. He is pure poison. If you have any idea where he and Magenta could be now, I gotta know. It's a matter of life and death. Her life and death."

JennyO turned a shade paler. She knew Chongo meant what he said.

"I think they went to the Stafford Hotel," she said. "What should we do?"

"Not 'we', sister." Chongo shook his head. "You stay clear of it. Me and 'Tommy' will take care of Mr Vlad. Where is this Stafford Hotel? I'm new in town."

JennyO hurriedly gave Chongo the directions. He thanked her and headed out the door at a fast walk. He could see a big fuss still going on over at the pub he had so recently vacated. It appeared that the police had decided to arrest Mabel, probably for firing a gun in a public place. She was swearing and carrying on. Chongo ducked into a handy alleyway, climbed up the wall and headed across the rooftops, straight for the Stafford, with the violin case slung securely over his back, the oiled Thompson submachine gun nestling inside it. London was like any other city. You could make better time across the roofs than you could in the streets, and it was a lot less crowded too.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: JennyO
Date: 24 Jul 04 - 01:14 PM

"C'mon freda, we gotta go and find Magenta and Vlad" cried JennyO, flinging her cape around her shoulders. "I have my car just around the corner. Chongo, you can follow in your car, and bring those other guys too. We might need them if we get into a tight spot."

There was a mass exodus from the Black Lion, as they all rushed out into the night. "Whaddaya reckon that wuz all about?" said a customer at the bar to Mabel. "Oi got no idea", said Mabel. "Care to buy a lady a drink?"

JennyO unlocked the doors of her battered old Holden station wagon, which had seen many a long trip to and from folk festivals. The back window was covered with fading stickers, one of which said "Tell John Howard it's over", above another one which said "The earth does not belong to us, we belong to the earth", and the newest one "Triple M rocks the Sydney Morris Men". It was a well-travelled car. The women piled in, and as the key turned in the ignition, the well-worn motor immediately sprang into life. JennyO's car liked her, because she was usually kind to it.

"Let's go to the teashop in front of the Stafford, while we decide the best way to approach this." suggested freda, very sensibly.

"I think we need to let Rhymin' Simon know that we are concerned about Magenta too." said JennyO, "but maybe we shouldn't say too much. We don't want to worry him unnecessarily."

"Oh dear", said Jennie G, "himself might get worried about me too. He won't know where I am. What a strange day this has been!" She looked out the car window at the heavy traffic, as JennyO skillfully ducked and weaved her way across town. "I could have sworn that light was red", she thought.

Meanwhile, another vehicle, a two-toned chocolate and tan Packard belonging to Chongo was doing its best to follow the Holden, the three men inside united in their quest to rescue the fair Magenta.

"What a bunch of crazy broads!" thought Chongo Chimp.

"Wonder what they'd look like in teddies?", JC was thinking to himself.

"Wonder what a nice cashmere goat would look like in a teddy?" the Aesthete was thinking.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Little Hawk
Date: 24 Jul 04 - 01:26 PM

Whoo baby! Reality shifts! Gotta love it. When Chongo gets his little hairy hide back to Chicago he is gonna need a good rest.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: JennyO
Date: 24 Jul 04 - 01:31 PM

"I think I'm having an out of body experience" Chongo was thinking to himself. "Well, I suppose it's to be expected - all part of that unexplained anomaly in the fabric of time and space that seems to be going on. Oh dear, where am I, who am I, what does it all mean? I really need to stop drinking those banana daquiris, and try to get more than two hours sleep at night."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Little Hawk
Date: 24 Jul 04 - 01:32 PM

Freebasing mangos can lead to problems too.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: JennyO
Date: 24 Jul 04 - 01:41 PM

The battered Holden pulled up in front of the Stafford with a screech.

"You guys grab a table in the teahouse and order me a very strong coffee. I think it is going to be a long and bumpy night", said JennyO. "I'm going to park the car."

Jennie G and freda looked around. "No sign of Chongo yet" said freda. "I wonder where he is."

Chongo was wondering the same thing himself.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 24 Jul 04 - 07:25 PM

JennieG and freda sat down. It was a quiet little tea house, they ordered a big pot of tea and some Cheese on toast. Expecting Chongo, they also ordered a banana smoothie. And for the Aesthete and JC, a coffee each and a goats cheese salad.

JennieG's big brown eyes gazed thoughtfully into the wallpaper. "we can plan all we want, but some things just go and happen."

Freda was busy trying to work out her travel schedule. How the hell was she going to get to that airport at 7.00 in the morning. jennyO wandered in, followed by Chongo, JC and the Aesthete. "Look what the Mudcat brought in".


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: JennyO
Date: 26 Jul 04 - 11:12 AM

"Oh good, you've got my muggacino - I'm ready for that - and poffertjes too! Haven't had those since the last National. Excellent!" JennyO sat down and started to scoff them. Seats were found for Chongo, JC and the Aesthete. "Not bad, that goats cheese salad." mumbled JC. "Sorry we took so long." said JennyO between bites, "We had a bit of trouble keeping track of Chongo when he got lost in the wrong leg of the Trousers of Time."

"So what are we going to do?" asked freda. "We can't just barge in there. She's a big girl you know. I'm sure she can take care of herself. I say we should leave her alone."

"Aw, I dunno", said JennyO, "She's been acting very strangely ever since that weirdo came on the scene. And did you see those bite marks on her neck? And how about that rare steak she had the other day? I thought she was a vegetarian!"

Jennie G spoke up - "That guy she's with gives me the creeps. Did you know he tried to pick me up the other night? Himself came along just at the right moment. Otherwise....." She shuddered. "You don't know what he might be into - blood sacrifices maybe!"

At this, JC and the Aesthete pricked up their ears. "Blood sacrifices!" exclaimed JC. "Do you suppose they might have a goat up there? Maybe we should just go and have a look!"

Chongo looked ready to burst. "Whatsa matter with all you guys?" he shouted. "This dame is supposed to be your friend, and you're all down here drinking coffee and chatting, and she could be in danger right NOW!"


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 28 Jul 04 - 10:49 AM

Vladimir had spent some time in the kitchen, laying out the knives next to his marble slab. It was important to drain the blood well before slicing - Vlad had a pair of ankle cuffs hanging from the ceiling, to assist. A pottery bowl and jug lay under the cuffs, to assist in the collection of blood. Vladimir would toss a little, later in the evening, just for a blast. But more than anything, he wanted to enjoy the lead up to the kill.

He had placed small candles here and there about the apartment, and had tossed a handful of sage into the fire. The soft aroma smudged through the air, suffusing it with strength, power, and delicious anticipation.

Vladimir was coated in musk oil. His body shone as he stood in the candle lit bedchamber, flexing his muscular arms and thighs, posing as powerfully as any Bollywood himbo. He enjoyed the pleasure of imagining Magenta's enthralled sighs as he gently teased and massaged her tender young body, prior to savaging her with his manic, relentless fangs.

Once more he slid into the black kimino, and quietly went to the door of the bathroom, watering at the mouth. He knocked gently.

"Magenta, my lady, I have left an Arabian bathsheet just inside the door for you. Take your time, my sweet. While I hunger for you to join me, I want you to quietly care for yourself, so that when you join me, we shall both be sublimely ready".


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 28 Jul 04 - 11:03 AM

Magenta listened to the low tones, smiling to herself. She was going to make this man beg at her feet before the night was over. As the water gurled away, Magenta carefully dried herself with the endlessly soft cotton towel. Her little toenails were shelly pink, her raven locks hung sweetly to her knees. She wrapped herself in the pink and pale green kimino, and lifted her chin slightly.

She stood quietly, listening to a repetitive, rhytmic mantra emitting from the bedchamber. Was this some erotic CD that Vlad had put on? Like a loud purring, like the revving of an old humber super snipe.. Tibetan throat drones?

She walked purposefully into the room, and stood by the enormous bed. Vlad lay, quietly, not moving, his glossy black hair spread on the pillow. She watched his huge muscular arms, his enormous hairy chest, and saw his lips vibrating.

This was no Tibetan throat drone. He was snoring.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 28 Jul 04 - 11:34 AM

She lay with her back to him, lips pursed, eyebrows knitted. He was all talk, this guy was out to it. Magenta slowly weighed up her options. She could leave quietly and get a cab back home. She could wake him up and slowly seduce him. Or she could get a good night's sleep and see what the morning brought.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 28 Jul 04 - 08:00 PM

..It was cold out there, she was comfy. So Magenta decided to have a little snooze. But, inside her, a little voice whispered, "why put up with being undervalued?" Magenta could feel the rage of a million minor incidents welling up inside her. Instead of sleeping, she lay stiff, angry, and determined. Instead of counting sheep she was counting men. Men of all sorts, uppity men, arrogant men, men with moustaches,condescending men, men with bad breath, brutal men. All sitting in a grand stadium of life. When she got to number 5,873, Magenta noticed that the snoring had stopped.

Magenta slipped her feet over the side of the bed and decided to go. What was she doing with this overripe pretentious tripe faced goth? His lips were too red. She always found men with wet, red lips.. disgusting, somehow.

She slipped on her kimino and sneaked into the bathroom to retrieve her clothes. As she was bending down to retrieve her socks, a quiet voice spoke from behind.

"Not so soon, my lovely.."

She turned, to face Vlad, wearing nothing but a rubber codpiece and fluffy lavender bedsocks. He held in his hand a massive, curved, Japanese samurai sword.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: JennyO
Date: 28 Jul 04 - 11:49 PM

Chongo sprang out of his chair. "C'mon, I say we go and rescue her now. Who's coming?"

Freda and JennyO grabbed his arms.

"Whoa boy", said freda. "Let's not rush into this. I think our girl can take care of herself just fine, and I don't think she would be here if she didn't want to be."

"She's right you know", chimed in JennyO, "I don't think you know our Magenta, Chongo. She's been very - well - confident lately - you could even say a woman of power. Besides, I feel a poem coming on. Remember that one called "Fair Crack of the Whip" - you know, the one with the leather and stilettos and the whip, girls?"

"How could I forget?" said Jennie G.

"My kids think I'm weird 'cause I keep breaking into poetry and song" JennyO went on, "but what the heck - here goes.."



Mick he was a bushman, he was up there with the best
He'd been in the saddle nearly all his life.
But lately things had changed, his thoughts had rearranged
Yes, it was time that Michael found himself a wife.

He'd given up the one-night stands, he'd given up the booze
He'd settle down and get himself employed.
So with a sad touch of remorse, he sold his faithful horse
No more the saddle life would he enjoy.

Now the object of his fancy was the local schoolgirl miss
She was pretty, she was delicate and frail.
Mick fell in head first, the kind of love it was the worst
That womenfolk could foster in a male.

He wasn't takin' any chances, he was playin' all his cards
And Elizabeth McGee she was the stake.
He'd do all he could to win her, he would take her out to dinner
And on Sundays they'd go walking by the lake.

Then finally the night arrived that Mick had waited for,
When Elizabeth invited him to tea.
So he showered, combed his hair, and he had this speech prepared..
"Er - er - Elizabeth, will you marry me?"

You see he knew he had to marry this young girl from the south
She was cute and kind and every mother's dream,
Her hands were soft and gentle, she was sweet and sentimental,
And her eyes they sparkled with a magic gleam.

So they shared a lovely dinner, and Mick was most polite,
Though thoughts of marriage occupied his head.
So he was very much inspired, when she casually enquired..
"Would you like to see the etchings by my bed?

I'll slip into something comfortable, you go into the room,
Take your drink and why not lie down for awhile?"
And while she didn'nt look satanic, young Mick began to panic,
When he saw the wicked nature of her smile.

Then she burst back through the door! Wearing leather head to toe!
She had stilettoes on and pistols at her hip!
towards Michael she was prowling, she was grunting! she was growling!
And in her hand she held a nine-foot whip!

For Elizabeth McGee was different you see,
by day she was an angel from above,
But by night she was a witch, an evil, nasty...person
Who substituted punishment for love.

Well she chased him 'round the house with her whips and chains and spikes,
She tortured him until his hide was raw.
And, being realistic, Mick was somewhat masochistic
For all that he could say to her was "More!"

Well, she kept him there for days, but Mick had finally had enough,
He busted free and bolted for his life,
He couldn't see for quids, how he could think of raisin' kids
With this schizophrenic creature as his wife!

So he sold his city clothes, went and got his horse,
Packed his swag and headed for the scrub,
But his tale of woe got out, when he'd had one too many shouts,
And he told his mates about it at the pub.

Now the boys all get a laugh when they see their old mate, Mick,
Chasin' cattle through the saltbush or the bracken,
They can see his face for miles, how he flinches - then he smiles..
Every time the whips they start a-crackin'!



"Get down off the table Jenny", hissed Jennie G. "People are looking!"

"Sorry, got a bit carried away there!" blushed JennyO, climbing down. "I just love Murray Hartin's poetry!"

"Now who'd like a devonshire tea?"


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,natasha smasher
Date: 29 Jul 04 - 04:50 AM

KeeyaH!

with a quick snap kick to the groin, and a right fist to the sword handle, Magenta had him on the floor. Vlad rolled in foetal position, clutching his codpiece and screaming. The sword, knocked out of his hand, clattered onto the tiled bathroom floor. Magenta picked it up, and held it to the quivering Vlad's throat.

"Down!", she ordered.

Vlad's heart was beating, saliva racing, and the pain was shooting from his loins to the outermost points of the universe! He screamed - a high, wild, piercing sream that curdled the blood of a million London residents.

Charles Cholmondely, in the apartment below, rang the manager. He had had enough of the strange sounds coming from room 13, above him.

"I'm very sorry, Mr Cholmondely, we'll be right there."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 29 Jul 04 - 10:57 AM

Magenta held the sword against the throbbing blue vein in Vlad's throat.

"You may crawl to the bedroom", she barked. She walked slowly beside him, watching as he grovelled and bellied his way along the floor.

As she walked past the study, she took down from the wall a long, serpentine whip. Knife in the right hand, whip in the left.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,bleeding gums boris
Date: 29 Jul 04 - 11:16 AM

Vlad's heart was thumping, his blood racing, he could feel his body crying out from the indignity of the position he was now in. Who was this hysterical harridan, this uppity harlot? He would show her.

He crawled into the bedchamber, and knealt by the bed as ordered. Magenta, swollen with rage, started screaming at him:

What's here? one dead, or drunk? See, doth he breathe?
Were he not warm'd with ale,
This were a bed but cold to sleep so soundly.
O monstrous beast! how like a swine he lies!
Grim death, how foul and loathsome is thine image!
Cats, I will practise on this drunken man....

Vladimir moaned.. This was going to be a long night.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 29 Jul 04 - 11:23 AM

.. my apologies to anyone who's till reading this.. it seems to be degenrating as the days go by!

freda


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: jacqui.c
Date: 29 Jul 04 - 11:40 AM

Your faithful reader is still here - but fluffy lavender bedsocks? Freda, you are seriously bonkers!


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 29 Jul 04 - 11:46 AM

jacqui - glad there's still a reader out there! and uh, re the fluffy lavender bedsocks... couldnt have him getting cold, now, could we?!!

ps have to talk sometime to organise meeting up!

x fred


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Little Hawk
Date: 29 Jul 04 - 12:50 PM

Chongo's ears pricked up (as much as a chimp's ears can prick up) and his nostrils flared. He had faintly heard a strange, ululating cry, a cry vaguely reminiscent of a baboon with his privates caught on a barbed wire fence...which had been known to happen the odd time, actually, around poorly-guarded enclosures containing ripe fruit.

Strange. What would a fruit-stealing baboon be doing in the hotel? Then Chongo realized that it couldn't possibly be a baboon. Not here. It was the cry of a human throat...well, semi-human anyway. It was time for action! Chongo pulled down his fedora, clenched his jaw hard, and headed for the stairs. He didn't have time to stand around waiting for elevators.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: JennyO
Date: 29 Jul 04 - 09:58 PM

By the time freda, JennyO and Jennie G realised what had happened, Chongo was way ahead of them and starting up the stairs.

"Quick, we'd better follow him" called out freda. "You two guys had better come too. There might be trouble!"

"What made him take off like that?" asked Jennie G. "I never heard anything."

"Something must have got his goat!" said the Aesthete to JC, grinning.

"Hey guys, do we know what floor we're going to?" panted JennyO. "If I knew, I'd take the lift" she grumbled to herself. "Story of my life!" she thought, remembering having to run for a certain ferry in Stranraer, only to find there was nothing to rush for at all. "This had better be worth it!" she muttered under her breath.

By this time they were all puffing and panting, except for Chongo himself, who was built for climbing. He was way ahead, followed by the aesthete and JC, then the women.

"Hey slow down, Chongo" called out JC. "Do you know where you're going?"


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,bleeding gums boris
Date: 29 Jul 04 - 10:22 PM

the wild screams echoed down the stairwell, like an uncanny werewolf. Chongo's big heart was booming in his chest, as he lept from floor to floor, following the piercing noise. Who needs directions when you hear those shrieks?

Chongo's heart ws busting, breaking, he couldn't bear to think what that undead transylvanian scumbag was doing to magenta. The poor kid, she didnt have a clue. He only wanted to get there before it was too late.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: JennyO
Date: 29 Jul 04 - 11:36 PM

"Funny", thought JennyO. "I've never heard Magenta scream like that - or is it Magenta? Sounds almost like..............."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,bleeding gums boris
Date: 30 Jul 04 - 01:12 AM

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....................


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,amalia clawall
Date: 30 Jul 04 - 01:21 AM

Nigel, the bellhop, looked at Reggie. You want ME to go up there and check out the scene? No way!

As they stood there arguing, there was a thundering of footsteps.. past them in a rush went:

1 One chimpanzee in a trench coat and fedora

2 two short round women wearing flowing hippie clothes

3 A tall, elegant man with long brown curly hair, carrying a copy of "Zen and the Art of Huna"

4 Someone who looked like Johnny Cash, racing up the stairs wearing a few accoutrements including socks with sandals

5 A crowd of bohemians recently emerged from the Black Lion, one shouting into his mobile phone, including, jennieG, Leadfingers, Micca, Magenta, Col K, Morticia, Pixie, Rhymin' Simon, Liz the Squeak, Manitas, Kendall, Jacqui C, Ellenpoly (wearing sunglasses) Rosie, and a number of others, including someone who was swearing a lot and making a lot of noise about weiner dogs.

The stairwell trembled as they all charged upstairs, many shouting, while some in the back row were singing "Mary Ellen Carter"....


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 30 Jul 04 - 08:08 AM

His eyes flashed red in the candle light, he turned and leapt at Magenta, screaming yet another blood curdling cry. Magenta felt electrified, forceful, and like an Amazonian giant she grabbed his arms, locked evil eyes with him and wrestled him, throwing him from left to right on the bed, belting the air out of his lungs. Her thighs felt like two mighty pillars, oak trees, her arms like ancient branches, her strength was mighty and wild. Suddenly she heard a mighty thumping on the door.

"that'll be Nigel with the drinks", stammered Vlad.

Magenta jutted her chin out and glared down at him.

"Nigel can go jump". She suddenly twisted his arm behind his back, and there was a cracking sound. Once more, Vlad screeched, while magenta forced him into a headlock.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,amalia clawall
Date: 30 Jul 04 - 08:22 AM

Freda, JennyO and JennieG were seriously worried about the effect of these damn stairs on their heartrates. Well, as they jogged up anothe flight, they were worried about Magenta too. Magenta was the sweetest thing, kind, self effacing, wouldn't hurt a fly. Always think of others. But she always seemed to have such bad luck with men.. JennieG found herself thinking about that hypnotic creature. This could have been her, and as she listened to the screams, she felt weak all over. Poor Magenta.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: SINSULL
Date: 30 Jul 04 - 12:57 PM

An aside: Don't ANY OF YOU WATCH THE x fILES? tO DISTRACT A VAMPIRE, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS THROW A HANDFUL OF SEEDS ON THE GROUND. tHEY CAN'T HELP THEMSELVES - HAVE TO STOP AND PICK THEM UP.

SO...suddenly remembering a bit of old folk lore, freda grabs the pearl necklace form JennyO's neck and pushes by her to the locked door of Vlad's suite.
An adrenalin rush at the hideous screams from within give her the strength of a hundred Chongos and she kicks the door down as she tosses the broken string onto the floor. "Ah Crap!" cries Vlad.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Little Hawk
Date: 30 Jul 04 - 05:02 PM

Vlad made a scuffling grab for the scattering pearls...programmed response...as Magenta delivered a simply mind-numbing kick straight into the depths of his undead crotch. Chongo ripped open the violin case, extracting the tommy gub and its ammunition drum, which he snapped into place.

"No, Chongo," yelped JC, pushing the barrel to one side. Violence is not the way. Besides, there are noise bylaws in these buildings!"

Suddenly the lights went out.

All Chongo could see was the glowing red orbs of Vlad's goggling eyes, which were popping nearly out of his head. Chongo's finger hovered on the trigger...but where was Magenta? He couldn't afford to catch her in the crossfire. Vlad sprang for Chongo's throat and got hold of the Thompson instead. They wrestled frantically for control of the gun. The darkened room was now full of struggling, yelling people, all attempting to contribute their specific brand of expertise to the situation. Utter confusion, in other words.

Then the tommy gun went off with a stuttering roar, perforating the ceiling above as Vlad and Chongo both tried to wrench it from the other's grasp. "Now you've done it," said JC sadly. The man who looked like Johnny Cash muttered something about a ring of fire.

"This all comes of eating overly hot, spicy food with too much yang energy in it," complained Jennie G. "That is Sooo true," agreed JennyO. "It causes an overproduction of testosterone, which encourages aggressive behaviour."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 30 Jul 04 - 08:17 PM

Magenta stepped forward, trembling, gazing at her hero Chongo with those big eyes; and sang with her beautiful voice:

Love is a burning thing
and it makes a firery ring
bound by wild desire
I fell in to a ring of fire...

Leadfingers, Micca, the Aesthete, Jennie G, JennyO, Freda, Bill D, Col K, Morticia, Pixie, Rhymin' Simon, Jacquic, Liz the Squeak, Manitas, Kendall, Jacqui C, Ellenpoly (wearing sunglasses) Rosie, Sinsull, Chief Chaos, Amos, Rapaire and a number of others including someone who was swearing a lot and making a lot of noise about weiner dogs, burst into a geek chorus:

She fell in to a burning ring of fire
She went down,down,down
and the flames went higher.
And it burns,burns,burns
the ring of fire
the ring of fire.

Magenta:

The taste of love is sweet
when hearts like ours meet
I fell for you like a child
oh, but the fire went wild..

geek chorus:

She fell in to a burning ring of fire
She went down,down,down
and the flames went higher.
And it burns,burns,burns
the ring of fire
the ring of fire.

Chongo, momentarily distracted by the sound of Magenta's beautiful voice, ever so slightly loosed his grip on Vlad. Vlad (who was still dressed in nothing but his black rubber cod piece and fluffy lavender slippers) leapt towards Magenta, tackling her to the ground.

Leadfingers, Micca, the Aesthete, Jennie G, JennyO, Freda, Bill D, Col K, Morticia, Pixie, Rhymin' Simon, Jacquic, Liz the Squeak, Manitas, Kendall, Jacqui C, Ellenpoly (wearing sunglasses) Rosie, Sinsull, Chief Chaos, Amos, Rapaire and a number of others including someone who was swearing a lot and making a lot of noise about weiner dogs, leapt on Vlad, pummelling with fists, except Kendall and Leadfingers who pulled out their banjos and started playing "Deliverance", nodding to each other as they moved from riff to riff.

legs, arms flying everywhere. someone knocked a candle over.
Whooompff! in an instant the vermilion velvet curtains were alight with a volatile flame.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 30 Jul 04 - 08:30 PM

Johnny Cash screamed, "It's a ring of Fire! we're surrounded!"

"To the jacuzzi! to the jacuzzi!" screamed JennyO, JennieG and Freda!

No, ladies, there's another way, said Johnny Cash. He ripped the medieval tapestry from the wall, and threw it across the fire in the passage, smothering it – and clearing a fire free zone in front of the doorway.

RUUUUNN! He screamed, and Leadfingers, Micca, the Aesthete, Jennie G, JennyO, Freda, Bill D, Col K, Morticia, Pixie, Rhymin' Simon, Jacquic, Liz the Squeak, Manitas, Kendall, Jacqui C, Ellenpoly (wearing sunglasses) Rosie, Sinsull, Chief Chaos, Amos, Rapaire and a number of others ran through the door and down the fire stairs.

"It's gonna take more than a douche bag to put out THIS fire" screamed Johnny Cash to someone who was swearing a lot and making a lot of noise about weiner dogs, as he ran by...

Chongo leapt at Magenta, flung one strong muscular arm around her, leapt at the 1,500 piece crystal chandelier, swung on it across to the window and leapt out, taking Magenta with him, her raven black hair flying behind her like a river of ebony.

Johnny Cash turned, looked at Vlad, who was swooning in the corner, covering his ears and muttering something about banjos.. and picked up the smouldering tapestry and threw it over him. He ran through every room, and, satisfied that there was no one else left inside, no-one but that undead Transylvanian scumbag, he ran past the oaning Vlad and out the door.

Down the fire stairs could be heard a thundering, like a heard of a million elephants, to the tune of "Deliverance", and down the bottom, waiting for them in the foyer, were Nigel and Reggie who were still arguing about who should go upstairs and investigate the screams.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 30 Jul 04 - 08:39 PM

From outside, georgiansilver watched, in disbelief. Was that a chimpanzee in a trench coat and fedora (with a beautiful woman in his arm wearing a pink and apple green kimino) scrambling down the outside of the Stafford Hotel?

"well, I'll be blessed!" he thought, scratching his head in confusion...


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 30 Jul 04 - 08:46 PM

The report to the Board was brief. The Fire Department had contained most of the damage. Mudvig of Catnipia's bill had been paid, via gold credit card, by an organisation called the Transylvanian Blood Bank, with a note saying their insurance would cover everything, which it did.

Count Mudvig's removers had come and taken the antique swords, the singed tapestry, and the numerous objets d'art that were Mudvigs'.

Strangely, when the cleaners came in, they found nothing but a black rubber codpiece and a pair of fluffy lavender slippers.


There were reports that an unusually large bat was seen, flying across London that night...

But the Bureau of Meteorology claried that this was, in fact, a weather balloon.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 30 Jul 04 - 08:59 PM

clarified...!!


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Little Hawk
Date: 31 Jul 04 - 11:52 AM

Vlad had made good his escape, vanishing into the London night in the form of a gigantic, somewhat singed Catnipian bat. That was okay with Chongo. He had the feeling Vlad would not be back anyway, having bitten off more than he could chew (so to speak) with the lovely Magenta. There was more to this dame than met the eye, and that was saying a lot. What did meet the eye was good, however. Very good. The question was, was she entirely human? Chongo was beginning to think not, because she had been strong enough to not only fight Vlad to a standstill, but actually get the best of him. No human dame could've done that in Chongo's opinion. It was just not possible.

"Okay," thought Chongo, "she ain't human," as he sipped his banana dacquiri and examined the perfect lines of Magenta's face, the sculptured cheekbones, those slightly longer than normal gleaming canines... "She ain't human, but is that a problem? I ain't human either. This means we got somethin' in common, and anyway, this ain't Chicago."

Chongo lifted his glass in salute to his raven-haired companion. "I have met a lotta dames, Magenta, but I never met one who could outfight a Transylvanian vampire. Here's lookin' at you, Babe."

Chicago could wait.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 12 Feb 10 - 06:43 PM

Magenta sat reading quietly, under the slim, white gum tree. It's grey green leaves dangled languidly, against the brilliant blue sky. It's almost Valentine's Day, thought Magenta. I wonder what fate will bring my way?



A shadow flew across her, as a dark-winged, hairy bat sailed across the horizon.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 12 Feb 10 - 06:47 PM

It was doing a hairy batic display, by the light, of the silvery moon.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Little Hawk
Date: 13 Feb 10 - 02:34 PM

This was one of Chongo's favorite episodes. He still gets that faraway look in his eyes whenever he hears the name Magenta. He tries to disguise it when Renata's around.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Charley Noble
Date: 14 Feb 10 - 12:12 PM

Nice to have this classic tale revived.

Charley Noble


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 15 Feb 10 - 02:50 AM

As Magenta turned the page, she missed seeing an athletic, large-jawed woman in a Nurse's uniform racing past the gumtree, hotly pursued by Valdimir, his cape flowing behind him, who was then followed by Boris the bat and several other bats, all chirping strange sounds which were a bit like "Bat - ched.. Bat-ched".. but to the knowing ear actually chirped "Ratched .. Ratched..."

another quiet day, thought Magenta, smiling softly to herself.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 15 Feb 10 - 09:36 AM

Vlad thought he'd order snother pint of Rh positive every day. It seemed to have lost it's attraction though, since he joined the IV League.
Still it made cleaning his teeth easier.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 22 Nov 18 - 06:45 AM

Winter had swept across her mind like a chilly white blanket. Her thoughts had been subdued, stunted even, as she lay in a coma-like repose, awaiting the return of a spring in her step, of the early morning cry of the kookaburra and the warbling magpie's song. Had she been dreaming or was this a step back into another time.. as she flowed through a breezy space pungent with the wafting sharpness of gum leaves... was she to become The Outlander From Downunder....


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: keberoxu
Date: 23 Nov 18 - 01:36 PM

nice of some of you to visit home for the holidays


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate


 


You must be a member to post in non-music threads. Join here.


You must be a member to post in non-music threads. Join here.



Mudcat time: 5 December 3:16 AM EST

[ Home ]

All original material is copyright © 1998 by the Mudcat Café Music Foundation, Inc. All photos, music, images, etc. are copyright © by their rightful owners. Every effort is taken to attribute appropriate copyright to images, content, music, etc. We are not a copyright resource.