Lyrics & Knowledge Personal Pages Record Shop Auction Links Radio & Media Kids Membership Help
The Mudcat Cafesj

Post to this Thread - Printer Friendly - Home
Page: [1] [2] [3] [4]


BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain

keberoxu 23 Nov 18 - 01:36 PM
freda underhill 22 Nov 18 - 06:45 AM
John MacKenzie 15 Feb 10 - 09:36 AM
freda underhill 15 Feb 10 - 02:50 AM
Charley Noble 14 Feb 10 - 12:12 PM
Little Hawk 13 Feb 10 - 02:34 PM
John MacKenzie 12 Feb 10 - 06:47 PM
freda underhill 12 Feb 10 - 06:43 PM
Little Hawk 31 Jul 04 - 11:52 AM
freda underhill 30 Jul 04 - 08:59 PM
freda underhill 30 Jul 04 - 08:46 PM
freda underhill 30 Jul 04 - 08:39 PM
freda underhill 30 Jul 04 - 08:30 PM
freda underhill 30 Jul 04 - 08:17 PM
Little Hawk 30 Jul 04 - 05:02 PM
SINSULL 30 Jul 04 - 12:57 PM
GUEST,amalia clawall 30 Jul 04 - 08:22 AM
freda underhill 30 Jul 04 - 08:08 AM
GUEST,amalia clawall 30 Jul 04 - 01:21 AM
GUEST,bleeding gums boris 30 Jul 04 - 01:12 AM
JennyO 29 Jul 04 - 11:36 PM
GUEST,bleeding gums boris 29 Jul 04 - 10:22 PM
JennyO 29 Jul 04 - 09:58 PM
Little Hawk 29 Jul 04 - 12:50 PM
freda underhill 29 Jul 04 - 11:46 AM
jacqui.c 29 Jul 04 - 11:40 AM
freda underhill 29 Jul 04 - 11:23 AM
GUEST,bleeding gums boris 29 Jul 04 - 11:16 AM
freda underhill 29 Jul 04 - 10:57 AM
GUEST,natasha smasher 29 Jul 04 - 04:50 AM
JennyO 28 Jul 04 - 11:49 PM
freda underhill 28 Jul 04 - 08:00 PM
freda underhill 28 Jul 04 - 11:34 AM
freda underhill 28 Jul 04 - 11:03 AM
freda underhill 28 Jul 04 - 10:49 AM
JennyO 26 Jul 04 - 11:12 AM
freda underhill 24 Jul 04 - 07:25 PM
JennyO 24 Jul 04 - 01:41 PM
Little Hawk 24 Jul 04 - 01:32 PM
JennyO 24 Jul 04 - 01:31 PM
Little Hawk 24 Jul 04 - 01:26 PM
JennyO 24 Jul 04 - 01:14 PM
Little Hawk 24 Jul 04 - 12:59 PM
JennyO 24 Jul 04 - 12:29 PM
freda underhill 24 Jul 04 - 10:05 AM
freda underhill 24 Jul 04 - 04:27 AM
freda underhill 24 Jul 04 - 04:17 AM
freda underhill 24 Jul 04 - 04:02 AM
freda underhill 24 Jul 04 - 03:43 AM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 24 Jul 04 - 12:12 AM

Share Thread
more
Lyrics & Knowledge Search [Advanced]
DT  Forum
Sort (Forum) by:relevance date
DT Lyrics:













Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: keberoxu
Date: 23 Nov 18 - 01:36 PM

nice of some of you to visit home for the holidays


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 22 Nov 18 - 06:45 AM

Winter had swept across her mind like a chilly white blanket. Her thoughts had been subdued, stunted even, as she lay in a coma-like repose, awaiting the return of a spring in her step, of the early morning cry of the kookaburra and the warbling magpie's song. Had she been dreaming or was this a step back into another time.. as she flowed through a breezy space pungent with the wafting sharpness of gum leaves... was she to become The Outlander From Downunder....


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 15 Feb 10 - 09:36 AM

Vlad thought he'd order snother pint of Rh positive every day. It seemed to have lost it's attraction though, since he joined the IV League.
Still it made cleaning his teeth easier.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 15 Feb 10 - 02:50 AM

As Magenta turned the page, she missed seeing an athletic, large-jawed woman in a Nurse's uniform racing past the gumtree, hotly pursued by Valdimir, his cape flowing behind him, who was then followed by Boris the bat and several other bats, all chirping strange sounds which were a bit like "Bat - ched.. Bat-ched".. but to the knowing ear actually chirped "Ratched .. Ratched..."

another quiet day, thought Magenta, smiling softly to herself.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Charley Noble
Date: 14 Feb 10 - 12:12 PM

Nice to have this classic tale revived.

Charley Noble


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Little Hawk
Date: 13 Feb 10 - 02:34 PM

This was one of Chongo's favorite episodes. He still gets that faraway look in his eyes whenever he hears the name Magenta. He tries to disguise it when Renata's around.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 12 Feb 10 - 06:47 PM

It was doing a hairy batic display, by the light, of the silvery moon.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 12 Feb 10 - 06:43 PM

Magenta sat reading quietly, under the slim, white gum tree. It's grey green leaves dangled languidly, against the brilliant blue sky. It's almost Valentine's Day, thought Magenta. I wonder what fate will bring my way?



A shadow flew across her, as a dark-winged, hairy bat sailed across the horizon.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Little Hawk
Date: 31 Jul 04 - 11:52 AM

Vlad had made good his escape, vanishing into the London night in the form of a gigantic, somewhat singed Catnipian bat. That was okay with Chongo. He had the feeling Vlad would not be back anyway, having bitten off more than he could chew (so to speak) with the lovely Magenta. There was more to this dame than met the eye, and that was saying a lot. What did meet the eye was good, however. Very good. The question was, was she entirely human? Chongo was beginning to think not, because she had been strong enough to not only fight Vlad to a standstill, but actually get the best of him. No human dame could've done that in Chongo's opinion. It was just not possible.

"Okay," thought Chongo, "she ain't human," as he sipped his banana dacquiri and examined the perfect lines of Magenta's face, the sculptured cheekbones, those slightly longer than normal gleaming canines... "She ain't human, but is that a problem? I ain't human either. This means we got somethin' in common, and anyway, this ain't Chicago."

Chongo lifted his glass in salute to his raven-haired companion. "I have met a lotta dames, Magenta, but I never met one who could outfight a Transylvanian vampire. Here's lookin' at you, Babe."

Chicago could wait.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 30 Jul 04 - 08:59 PM

clarified...!!


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 30 Jul 04 - 08:46 PM

The report to the Board was brief. The Fire Department had contained most of the damage. Mudvig of Catnipia's bill had been paid, via gold credit card, by an organisation called the Transylvanian Blood Bank, with a note saying their insurance would cover everything, which it did.

Count Mudvig's removers had come and taken the antique swords, the singed tapestry, and the numerous objets d'art that were Mudvigs'.

Strangely, when the cleaners came in, they found nothing but a black rubber codpiece and a pair of fluffy lavender slippers.


There were reports that an unusually large bat was seen, flying across London that night...

But the Bureau of Meteorology claried that this was, in fact, a weather balloon.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 30 Jul 04 - 08:39 PM

From outside, georgiansilver watched, in disbelief. Was that a chimpanzee in a trench coat and fedora (with a beautiful woman in his arm wearing a pink and apple green kimino) scrambling down the outside of the Stafford Hotel?

"well, I'll be blessed!" he thought, scratching his head in confusion...


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 30 Jul 04 - 08:30 PM

Johnny Cash screamed, "It's a ring of Fire! we're surrounded!"

"To the jacuzzi! to the jacuzzi!" screamed JennyO, JennieG and Freda!

No, ladies, there's another way, said Johnny Cash. He ripped the medieval tapestry from the wall, and threw it across the fire in the passage, smothering it – and clearing a fire free zone in front of the doorway.

RUUUUNN! He screamed, and Leadfingers, Micca, the Aesthete, Jennie G, JennyO, Freda, Bill D, Col K, Morticia, Pixie, Rhymin' Simon, Jacquic, Liz the Squeak, Manitas, Kendall, Jacqui C, Ellenpoly (wearing sunglasses) Rosie, Sinsull, Chief Chaos, Amos, Rapaire and a number of others ran through the door and down the fire stairs.

"It's gonna take more than a douche bag to put out THIS fire" screamed Johnny Cash to someone who was swearing a lot and making a lot of noise about weiner dogs, as he ran by...

Chongo leapt at Magenta, flung one strong muscular arm around her, leapt at the 1,500 piece crystal chandelier, swung on it across to the window and leapt out, taking Magenta with him, her raven black hair flying behind her like a river of ebony.

Johnny Cash turned, looked at Vlad, who was swooning in the corner, covering his ears and muttering something about banjos.. and picked up the smouldering tapestry and threw it over him. He ran through every room, and, satisfied that there was no one else left inside, no-one but that undead Transylvanian scumbag, he ran past the oaning Vlad and out the door.

Down the fire stairs could be heard a thundering, like a heard of a million elephants, to the tune of "Deliverance", and down the bottom, waiting for them in the foyer, were Nigel and Reggie who were still arguing about who should go upstairs and investigate the screams.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 30 Jul 04 - 08:17 PM

Magenta stepped forward, trembling, gazing at her hero Chongo with those big eyes; and sang with her beautiful voice:

Love is a burning thing
and it makes a firery ring
bound by wild desire
I fell in to a ring of fire...

Leadfingers, Micca, the Aesthete, Jennie G, JennyO, Freda, Bill D, Col K, Morticia, Pixie, Rhymin' Simon, Jacquic, Liz the Squeak, Manitas, Kendall, Jacqui C, Ellenpoly (wearing sunglasses) Rosie, Sinsull, Chief Chaos, Amos, Rapaire and a number of others including someone who was swearing a lot and making a lot of noise about weiner dogs, burst into a geek chorus:

She fell in to a burning ring of fire
She went down,down,down
and the flames went higher.
And it burns,burns,burns
the ring of fire
the ring of fire.

Magenta:

The taste of love is sweet
when hearts like ours meet
I fell for you like a child
oh, but the fire went wild..

geek chorus:

She fell in to a burning ring of fire
She went down,down,down
and the flames went higher.
And it burns,burns,burns
the ring of fire
the ring of fire.

Chongo, momentarily distracted by the sound of Magenta's beautiful voice, ever so slightly loosed his grip on Vlad. Vlad (who was still dressed in nothing but his black rubber cod piece and fluffy lavender slippers) leapt towards Magenta, tackling her to the ground.

Leadfingers, Micca, the Aesthete, Jennie G, JennyO, Freda, Bill D, Col K, Morticia, Pixie, Rhymin' Simon, Jacquic, Liz the Squeak, Manitas, Kendall, Jacqui C, Ellenpoly (wearing sunglasses) Rosie, Sinsull, Chief Chaos, Amos, Rapaire and a number of others including someone who was swearing a lot and making a lot of noise about weiner dogs, leapt on Vlad, pummelling with fists, except Kendall and Leadfingers who pulled out their banjos and started playing "Deliverance", nodding to each other as they moved from riff to riff.

legs, arms flying everywhere. someone knocked a candle over.
Whooompff! in an instant the vermilion velvet curtains were alight with a volatile flame.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Little Hawk
Date: 30 Jul 04 - 05:02 PM

Vlad made a scuffling grab for the scattering pearls...programmed response...as Magenta delivered a simply mind-numbing kick straight into the depths of his undead crotch. Chongo ripped open the violin case, extracting the tommy gub and its ammunition drum, which he snapped into place.

"No, Chongo," yelped JC, pushing the barrel to one side. Violence is not the way. Besides, there are noise bylaws in these buildings!"

Suddenly the lights went out.

All Chongo could see was the glowing red orbs of Vlad's goggling eyes, which were popping nearly out of his head. Chongo's finger hovered on the trigger...but where was Magenta? He couldn't afford to catch her in the crossfire. Vlad sprang for Chongo's throat and got hold of the Thompson instead. They wrestled frantically for control of the gun. The darkened room was now full of struggling, yelling people, all attempting to contribute their specific brand of expertise to the situation. Utter confusion, in other words.

Then the tommy gun went off with a stuttering roar, perforating the ceiling above as Vlad and Chongo both tried to wrench it from the other's grasp. "Now you've done it," said JC sadly. The man who looked like Johnny Cash muttered something about a ring of fire.

"This all comes of eating overly hot, spicy food with too much yang energy in it," complained Jennie G. "That is Sooo true," agreed JennyO. "It causes an overproduction of testosterone, which encourages aggressive behaviour."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: SINSULL
Date: 30 Jul 04 - 12:57 PM

An aside: Don't ANY OF YOU WATCH THE x fILES? tO DISTRACT A VAMPIRE, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS THROW A HANDFUL OF SEEDS ON THE GROUND. tHEY CAN'T HELP THEMSELVES - HAVE TO STOP AND PICK THEM UP.

SO...suddenly remembering a bit of old folk lore, freda grabs the pearl necklace form JennyO's neck and pushes by her to the locked door of Vlad's suite.
An adrenalin rush at the hideous screams from within give her the strength of a hundred Chongos and she kicks the door down as she tosses the broken string onto the floor. "Ah Crap!" cries Vlad.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,amalia clawall
Date: 30 Jul 04 - 08:22 AM

Freda, JennyO and JennieG were seriously worried about the effect of these damn stairs on their heartrates. Well, as they jogged up anothe flight, they were worried about Magenta too. Magenta was the sweetest thing, kind, self effacing, wouldn't hurt a fly. Always think of others. But she always seemed to have such bad luck with men.. JennieG found herself thinking about that hypnotic creature. This could have been her, and as she listened to the screams, she felt weak all over. Poor Magenta.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 30 Jul 04 - 08:08 AM

His eyes flashed red in the candle light, he turned and leapt at Magenta, screaming yet another blood curdling cry. Magenta felt electrified, forceful, and like an Amazonian giant she grabbed his arms, locked evil eyes with him and wrestled him, throwing him from left to right on the bed, belting the air out of his lungs. Her thighs felt like two mighty pillars, oak trees, her arms like ancient branches, her strength was mighty and wild. Suddenly she heard a mighty thumping on the door.

"that'll be Nigel with the drinks", stammered Vlad.

Magenta jutted her chin out and glared down at him.

"Nigel can go jump". She suddenly twisted his arm behind his back, and there was a cracking sound. Once more, Vlad screeched, while magenta forced him into a headlock.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,amalia clawall
Date: 30 Jul 04 - 01:21 AM

Nigel, the bellhop, looked at Reggie. You want ME to go up there and check out the scene? No way!

As they stood there arguing, there was a thundering of footsteps.. past them in a rush went:

1 One chimpanzee in a trench coat and fedora

2 two short round women wearing flowing hippie clothes

3 A tall, elegant man with long brown curly hair, carrying a copy of "Zen and the Art of Huna"

4 Someone who looked like Johnny Cash, racing up the stairs wearing a few accoutrements including socks with sandals

5 A crowd of bohemians recently emerged from the Black Lion, one shouting into his mobile phone, including, jennieG, Leadfingers, Micca, Magenta, Col K, Morticia, Pixie, Rhymin' Simon, Liz the Squeak, Manitas, Kendall, Jacqui C, Ellenpoly (wearing sunglasses) Rosie, and a number of others, including someone who was swearing a lot and making a lot of noise about weiner dogs.

The stairwell trembled as they all charged upstairs, many shouting, while some in the back row were singing "Mary Ellen Carter"....


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,bleeding gums boris
Date: 30 Jul 04 - 01:12 AM

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....................


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: JennyO
Date: 29 Jul 04 - 11:36 PM

"Funny", thought JennyO. "I've never heard Magenta scream like that - or is it Magenta? Sounds almost like..............."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,bleeding gums boris
Date: 29 Jul 04 - 10:22 PM

the wild screams echoed down the stairwell, like an uncanny werewolf. Chongo's big heart was booming in his chest, as he lept from floor to floor, following the piercing noise. Who needs directions when you hear those shrieks?

Chongo's heart ws busting, breaking, he couldn't bear to think what that undead transylvanian scumbag was doing to magenta. The poor kid, she didnt have a clue. He only wanted to get there before it was too late.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: JennyO
Date: 29 Jul 04 - 09:58 PM

By the time freda, JennyO and Jennie G realised what had happened, Chongo was way ahead of them and starting up the stairs.

"Quick, we'd better follow him" called out freda. "You two guys had better come too. There might be trouble!"

"What made him take off like that?" asked Jennie G. "I never heard anything."

"Something must have got his goat!" said the Aesthete to JC, grinning.

"Hey guys, do we know what floor we're going to?" panted JennyO. "If I knew, I'd take the lift" she grumbled to herself. "Story of my life!" she thought, remembering having to run for a certain ferry in Stranraer, only to find there was nothing to rush for at all. "This had better be worth it!" she muttered under her breath.

By this time they were all puffing and panting, except for Chongo himself, who was built for climbing. He was way ahead, followed by the aesthete and JC, then the women.

"Hey slow down, Chongo" called out JC. "Do you know where you're going?"


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Little Hawk
Date: 29 Jul 04 - 12:50 PM

Chongo's ears pricked up (as much as a chimp's ears can prick up) and his nostrils flared. He had faintly heard a strange, ululating cry, a cry vaguely reminiscent of a baboon with his privates caught on a barbed wire fence...which had been known to happen the odd time, actually, around poorly-guarded enclosures containing ripe fruit.

Strange. What would a fruit-stealing baboon be doing in the hotel? Then Chongo realized that it couldn't possibly be a baboon. Not here. It was the cry of a human throat...well, semi-human anyway. It was time for action! Chongo pulled down his fedora, clenched his jaw hard, and headed for the stairs. He didn't have time to stand around waiting for elevators.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 29 Jul 04 - 11:46 AM

jacqui - glad there's still a reader out there! and uh, re the fluffy lavender bedsocks... couldnt have him getting cold, now, could we?!!

ps have to talk sometime to organise meeting up!

x fred


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: jacqui.c
Date: 29 Jul 04 - 11:40 AM

Your faithful reader is still here - but fluffy lavender bedsocks? Freda, you are seriously bonkers!


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 29 Jul 04 - 11:23 AM

.. my apologies to anyone who's till reading this.. it seems to be degenrating as the days go by!

freda


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,bleeding gums boris
Date: 29 Jul 04 - 11:16 AM

Vlad's heart was thumping, his blood racing, he could feel his body crying out from the indignity of the position he was now in. Who was this hysterical harridan, this uppity harlot? He would show her.

He crawled into the bedchamber, and knealt by the bed as ordered. Magenta, swollen with rage, started screaming at him:

What's here? one dead, or drunk? See, doth he breathe?
Were he not warm'd with ale,
This were a bed but cold to sleep so soundly.
O monstrous beast! how like a swine he lies!
Grim death, how foul and loathsome is thine image!
Cats, I will practise on this drunken man....

Vladimir moaned.. This was going to be a long night.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 29 Jul 04 - 10:57 AM

Magenta held the sword against the throbbing blue vein in Vlad's throat.

"You may crawl to the bedroom", she barked. She walked slowly beside him, watching as he grovelled and bellied his way along the floor.

As she walked past the study, she took down from the wall a long, serpentine whip. Knife in the right hand, whip in the left.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,natasha smasher
Date: 29 Jul 04 - 04:50 AM

KeeyaH!

with a quick snap kick to the groin, and a right fist to the sword handle, Magenta had him on the floor. Vlad rolled in foetal position, clutching his codpiece and screaming. The sword, knocked out of his hand, clattered onto the tiled bathroom floor. Magenta picked it up, and held it to the quivering Vlad's throat.

"Down!", she ordered.

Vlad's heart was beating, saliva racing, and the pain was shooting from his loins to the outermost points of the universe! He screamed - a high, wild, piercing sream that curdled the blood of a million London residents.

Charles Cholmondely, in the apartment below, rang the manager. He had had enough of the strange sounds coming from room 13, above him.

"I'm very sorry, Mr Cholmondely, we'll be right there."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: JennyO
Date: 28 Jul 04 - 11:49 PM

Chongo sprang out of his chair. "C'mon, I say we go and rescue her now. Who's coming?"

Freda and JennyO grabbed his arms.

"Whoa boy", said freda. "Let's not rush into this. I think our girl can take care of herself just fine, and I don't think she would be here if she didn't want to be."

"She's right you know", chimed in JennyO, "I don't think you know our Magenta, Chongo. She's been very - well - confident lately - you could even say a woman of power. Besides, I feel a poem coming on. Remember that one called "Fair Crack of the Whip" - you know, the one with the leather and stilettos and the whip, girls?"

"How could I forget?" said Jennie G.

"My kids think I'm weird 'cause I keep breaking into poetry and song" JennyO went on, "but what the heck - here goes.."



Mick he was a bushman, he was up there with the best
He'd been in the saddle nearly all his life.
But lately things had changed, his thoughts had rearranged
Yes, it was time that Michael found himself a wife.

He'd given up the one-night stands, he'd given up the booze
He'd settle down and get himself employed.
So with a sad touch of remorse, he sold his faithful horse
No more the saddle life would he enjoy.

Now the object of his fancy was the local schoolgirl miss
She was pretty, she was delicate and frail.
Mick fell in head first, the kind of love it was the worst
That womenfolk could foster in a male.

He wasn't takin' any chances, he was playin' all his cards
And Elizabeth McGee she was the stake.
He'd do all he could to win her, he would take her out to dinner
And on Sundays they'd go walking by the lake.

Then finally the night arrived that Mick had waited for,
When Elizabeth invited him to tea.
So he showered, combed his hair, and he had this speech prepared..
"Er - er - Elizabeth, will you marry me?"

You see he knew he had to marry this young girl from the south
She was cute and kind and every mother's dream,
Her hands were soft and gentle, she was sweet and sentimental,
And her eyes they sparkled with a magic gleam.

So they shared a lovely dinner, and Mick was most polite,
Though thoughts of marriage occupied his head.
So he was very much inspired, when she casually enquired..
"Would you like to see the etchings by my bed?

I'll slip into something comfortable, you go into the room,
Take your drink and why not lie down for awhile?"
And while she didn'nt look satanic, young Mick began to panic,
When he saw the wicked nature of her smile.

Then she burst back through the door! Wearing leather head to toe!
She had stilettoes on and pistols at her hip!
towards Michael she was prowling, she was grunting! she was growling!
And in her hand she held a nine-foot whip!

For Elizabeth McGee was different you see,
by day she was an angel from above,
But by night she was a witch, an evil, nasty...person
Who substituted punishment for love.

Well she chased him 'round the house with her whips and chains and spikes,
She tortured him until his hide was raw.
And, being realistic, Mick was somewhat masochistic
For all that he could say to her was "More!"

Well, she kept him there for days, but Mick had finally had enough,
He busted free and bolted for his life,
He couldn't see for quids, how he could think of raisin' kids
With this schizophrenic creature as his wife!

So he sold his city clothes, went and got his horse,
Packed his swag and headed for the scrub,
But his tale of woe got out, when he'd had one too many shouts,
And he told his mates about it at the pub.

Now the boys all get a laugh when they see their old mate, Mick,
Chasin' cattle through the saltbush or the bracken,
They can see his face for miles, how he flinches - then he smiles..
Every time the whips they start a-crackin'!



"Get down off the table Jenny", hissed Jennie G. "People are looking!"

"Sorry, got a bit carried away there!" blushed JennyO, climbing down. "I just love Murray Hartin's poetry!"

"Now who'd like a devonshire tea?"


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 28 Jul 04 - 08:00 PM

..It was cold out there, she was comfy. So Magenta decided to have a little snooze. But, inside her, a little voice whispered, "why put up with being undervalued?" Magenta could feel the rage of a million minor incidents welling up inside her. Instead of sleeping, she lay stiff, angry, and determined. Instead of counting sheep she was counting men. Men of all sorts, uppity men, arrogant men, men with moustaches,condescending men, men with bad breath, brutal men. All sitting in a grand stadium of life. When she got to number 5,873, Magenta noticed that the snoring had stopped.

Magenta slipped her feet over the side of the bed and decided to go. What was she doing with this overripe pretentious tripe faced goth? His lips were too red. She always found men with wet, red lips.. disgusting, somehow.

She slipped on her kimino and sneaked into the bathroom to retrieve her clothes. As she was bending down to retrieve her socks, a quiet voice spoke from behind.

"Not so soon, my lovely.."

She turned, to face Vlad, wearing nothing but a rubber codpiece and fluffy lavender bedsocks. He held in his hand a massive, curved, Japanese samurai sword.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 28 Jul 04 - 11:34 AM

She lay with her back to him, lips pursed, eyebrows knitted. He was all talk, this guy was out to it. Magenta slowly weighed up her options. She could leave quietly and get a cab back home. She could wake him up and slowly seduce him. Or she could get a good night's sleep and see what the morning brought.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 28 Jul 04 - 11:03 AM

Magenta listened to the low tones, smiling to herself. She was going to make this man beg at her feet before the night was over. As the water gurled away, Magenta carefully dried herself with the endlessly soft cotton towel. Her little toenails were shelly pink, her raven locks hung sweetly to her knees. She wrapped herself in the pink and pale green kimino, and lifted her chin slightly.

She stood quietly, listening to a repetitive, rhytmic mantra emitting from the bedchamber. Was this some erotic CD that Vlad had put on? Like a loud purring, like the revving of an old humber super snipe.. Tibetan throat drones?

She walked purposefully into the room, and stood by the enormous bed. Vlad lay, quietly, not moving, his glossy black hair spread on the pillow. She watched his huge muscular arms, his enormous hairy chest, and saw his lips vibrating.

This was no Tibetan throat drone. He was snoring.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 28 Jul 04 - 10:49 AM

Vladimir had spent some time in the kitchen, laying out the knives next to his marble slab. It was important to drain the blood well before slicing - Vlad had a pair of ankle cuffs hanging from the ceiling, to assist. A pottery bowl and jug lay under the cuffs, to assist in the collection of blood. Vladimir would toss a little, later in the evening, just for a blast. But more than anything, he wanted to enjoy the lead up to the kill.

He had placed small candles here and there about the apartment, and had tossed a handful of sage into the fire. The soft aroma smudged through the air, suffusing it with strength, power, and delicious anticipation.

Vladimir was coated in musk oil. His body shone as he stood in the candle lit bedchamber, flexing his muscular arms and thighs, posing as powerfully as any Bollywood himbo. He enjoyed the pleasure of imagining Magenta's enthralled sighs as he gently teased and massaged her tender young body, prior to savaging her with his manic, relentless fangs.

Once more he slid into the black kimino, and quietly went to the door of the bathroom, watering at the mouth. He knocked gently.

"Magenta, my lady, I have left an Arabian bathsheet just inside the door for you. Take your time, my sweet. While I hunger for you to join me, I want you to quietly care for yourself, so that when you join me, we shall both be sublimely ready".


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: JennyO
Date: 26 Jul 04 - 11:12 AM

"Oh good, you've got my muggacino - I'm ready for that - and poffertjes too! Haven't had those since the last National. Excellent!" JennyO sat down and started to scoff them. Seats were found for Chongo, JC and the Aesthete. "Not bad, that goats cheese salad." mumbled JC. "Sorry we took so long." said JennyO between bites, "We had a bit of trouble keeping track of Chongo when he got lost in the wrong leg of the Trousers of Time."

"So what are we going to do?" asked freda. "We can't just barge in there. She's a big girl you know. I'm sure she can take care of herself. I say we should leave her alone."

"Aw, I dunno", said JennyO, "She's been acting very strangely ever since that weirdo came on the scene. And did you see those bite marks on her neck? And how about that rare steak she had the other day? I thought she was a vegetarian!"

Jennie G spoke up - "That guy she's with gives me the creeps. Did you know he tried to pick me up the other night? Himself came along just at the right moment. Otherwise....." She shuddered. "You don't know what he might be into - blood sacrifices maybe!"

At this, JC and the Aesthete pricked up their ears. "Blood sacrifices!" exclaimed JC. "Do you suppose they might have a goat up there? Maybe we should just go and have a look!"

Chongo looked ready to burst. "Whatsa matter with all you guys?" he shouted. "This dame is supposed to be your friend, and you're all down here drinking coffee and chatting, and she could be in danger right NOW!"


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 24 Jul 04 - 07:25 PM

JennieG and freda sat down. It was a quiet little tea house, they ordered a big pot of tea and some Cheese on toast. Expecting Chongo, they also ordered a banana smoothie. And for the Aesthete and JC, a coffee each and a goats cheese salad.

JennieG's big brown eyes gazed thoughtfully into the wallpaper. "we can plan all we want, but some things just go and happen."

Freda was busy trying to work out her travel schedule. How the hell was she going to get to that airport at 7.00 in the morning. jennyO wandered in, followed by Chongo, JC and the Aesthete. "Look what the Mudcat brought in".


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: JennyO
Date: 24 Jul 04 - 01:41 PM

The battered Holden pulled up in front of the Stafford with a screech.

"You guys grab a table in the teahouse and order me a very strong coffee. I think it is going to be a long and bumpy night", said JennyO. "I'm going to park the car."

Jennie G and freda looked around. "No sign of Chongo yet" said freda. "I wonder where he is."

Chongo was wondering the same thing himself.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Little Hawk
Date: 24 Jul 04 - 01:32 PM

Freebasing mangos can lead to problems too.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: JennyO
Date: 24 Jul 04 - 01:31 PM

"I think I'm having an out of body experience" Chongo was thinking to himself. "Well, I suppose it's to be expected - all part of that unexplained anomaly in the fabric of time and space that seems to be going on. Oh dear, where am I, who am I, what does it all mean? I really need to stop drinking those banana daquiris, and try to get more than two hours sleep at night."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Little Hawk
Date: 24 Jul 04 - 01:26 PM

Whoo baby! Reality shifts! Gotta love it. When Chongo gets his little hairy hide back to Chicago he is gonna need a good rest.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: JennyO
Date: 24 Jul 04 - 01:14 PM

"C'mon freda, we gotta go and find Magenta and Vlad" cried JennyO, flinging her cape around her shoulders. "I have my car just around the corner. Chongo, you can follow in your car, and bring those other guys too. We might need them if we get into a tight spot."

There was a mass exodus from the Black Lion, as they all rushed out into the night. "Whaddaya reckon that wuz all about?" said a customer at the bar to Mabel. "Oi got no idea", said Mabel. "Care to buy a lady a drink?"

JennyO unlocked the doors of her battered old Holden station wagon, which had seen many a long trip to and from folk festivals. The back window was covered with fading stickers, one of which said "Tell John Howard it's over", above another one which said "The earth does not belong to us, we belong to the earth", and the newest one "Triple M rocks the Sydney Morris Men". It was a well-travelled car. The women piled in, and as the key turned in the ignition, the well-worn motor immediately sprang into life. JennyO's car liked her, because she was usually kind to it.

"Let's go to the teashop in front of the Stafford, while we decide the best way to approach this." suggested freda, very sensibly.

"I think we need to let Rhymin' Simon know that we are concerned about Magenta too." said JennyO, "but maybe we shouldn't say too much. We don't want to worry him unnecessarily."

"Oh dear", said Jennie G, "himself might get worried about me too. He won't know where I am. What a strange day this has been!" She looked out the car window at the heavy traffic, as JennyO skillfully ducked and weaved her way across town. "I could have sworn that light was red", she thought.

Meanwhile, another vehicle, a two-toned chocolate and tan Packard belonging to Chongo was doing its best to follow the Holden, the three men inside united in their quest to rescue the fair Magenta.

"What a bunch of crazy broads!" thought Chongo Chimp.

"Wonder what they'd look like in teddies?", JC was thinking to himself.

"Wonder what a nice cashmere goat would look like in a teddy?" the Aesthete was thinking.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Little Hawk
Date: 24 Jul 04 - 12:59 PM

"Listen, doll," said Chongo. "You don't know the half of it. This guy Vlad is dangerous. More dangerous than you can guess. He almost killed a girl the other day and he almost killed me when I stepped in to save her. He is pure poison. If you have any idea where he and Magenta could be now, I gotta know. It's a matter of life and death. Her life and death."

JennyO turned a shade paler. She knew Chongo meant what he said.

"I think they went to the Stafford Hotel," she said. "What should we do?"

"Not 'we', sister." Chongo shook his head. "You stay clear of it. Me and 'Tommy' will take care of Mr Vlad. Where is this Stafford Hotel? I'm new in town."

JennyO hurriedly gave Chongo the directions. He thanked her and headed out the door at a fast walk. He could see a big fuss still going on over at the pub he had so recently vacated. It appeared that the police had decided to arrest Mabel, probably for firing a gun in a public place. She was swearing and carrying on. Chongo ducked into a handy alleyway, climbed up the wall and headed across the rooftops, straight for the Stafford, with the violin case slung securely over his back, the oiled Thompson submachine gun nestling inside it. London was like any other city. You could make better time across the roofs than you could in the streets, and it was a lot less crowded too.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: JennyO
Date: 24 Jul 04 - 12:29 PM

JennyO had also noticed that Vlad and Magenta were nowhere to be seen. She guessed that they must have gone to the Stafford Hotel, and she was worried. Magenta seemed so confident, but had she bitten off more than she could chew, JennyO wondered?

Freda seemed to have forgotten all about the reason why they were here - she was totally absorbed in the new stranger at her table, who now seemed to be talking about teddies. Speaking of which, where was Sandra? Everybody was disappearing!

Just then, Jenny saw Jennie G approaching.

"Himself just dropped me off here", she said, "and I just saw Sandra leaving. She was saying something about an early night and a doll and bear guild meeting"

"Oh", said JennyO. "That at least explains SOME things. Listen, Magenta has disappeared, and I think she has gone to Vlad's apartment. We need to get freda away from that guy, and go there. She might be in trouble."

"Who's that hairy-looking guy over there?", said Jennie G.

"Why that's Mr Chongo", said JennyO. "He seems to have been taking a great interest in Magenta. Oh look, he's coming over."

In one leap, he was by their side. "I think there's something you aughta know about the company your friend's been keeping", he said. "That guy Vlad is a boney fido genu-wine card-carrying vampire, from Catnipia"

"Yeah, I've known guys like that.." JennyO mused.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 24 Jul 04 - 10:05 AM

Magenta's fingers and toes were wrinkly, she had been there for some time, listening to the music, turning on the hot tap occasionally, sipping the sherry while she enjoyed the embrace of the clear, warm water and the titillating stimulation of the air jets in the jacuzzi. Magenta had gone through the pile of books and magazines on a little stand by the bath, and had been totally absorbed in one old book she found there, "Draconia the Seventh,Vampire Queen of Catnipia".

A quiet tap on the door reminded Magenta where she was...


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 24 Jul 04 - 04:27 AM

What a gentleman, she thought, as he offered her a rest in the jacuzzi, while he could a light evening snack for them both. She entered the bathroom to find he had left her a matching kimino on the back of the door, this time in pink and apple green, embroidered with apple blossoms and wasps.

She sank down into the warm, enveloping comfort of the water, and turned on the small spray jets that were sending gentle bursts of massaging heat and water onto her thighs. Eyes closed, hair coiled into a pile of soft, raven honey on her head, she listened to the stirring overtones of Beethoven's Violin Concerto in D major, Op 61.

By the bath was a small candle, flickering. Magenta felt more and more relaxed..


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 24 Jul 04 - 04:17 AM

The door closed behind her. Magenta looked around to see a well accomodated apartment, outfitted in pre-Edwardian furniture and carpeted with a dark red Afghan carpet, hand dyed in shades of scarlet, indigo and carmine. A Waterbury parlor Clock chimed eleven times, as Vlad poured her a sherry. A door partly open was to the bedroom, Magenta could see the light in there flickering, as candles cast dark shadows on the walls. There was a soft frangrance of yalang ylang in the air, Magenta knew the relaxing qualities of this potent aphrodisiac.

On the wall was a tapestry, detailing a huge battle scene, with a dragon flying above. From the turrent of a castle stood a tall woman, dressed in medieval garb, who seemed to be beckoning the dragon...

Vlad emerged from his room, striking in a black and scarlet kimino, with a glass of sherry in each hand.. Magenta could see that he was no longer distracted, no longer self absorbed, but focused singularly and uncannily on her, and only her. As she sipped the sherry, she looked into his eyes, and felt a warm tingling around the inside of her elbows and the back of her ears.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 24 Jul 04 - 04:02 AM

Vladimir looked down at Magenta, savouring her lily white skin, her lips like ripe figs, and her cloak of raven hair. She was hanging off his every word. The sweet, naïve little thing, it almost seemed unfair.

His thoughts were interrupted by shouts and loud noises from the other side of the bar. Irritated, he turned to Magenta. "Those uncouth yobbos – surely you prefer a quiet place to get to know each other, my sweet. WQould you like to come back to the Stafford, for a drink? "

Magenta was smiling inwardly. As they walked towards the door, she could hear a strange sound.. "Bundoloooooooo!!!"


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 24 Jul 04 - 03:43 AM

Magenta was listening to Vlad as he droned on, this time it was something about the French revolution some sort of machinery.. whatever. As she looked around the bar, she saw a couple of tough looking guys in the corner, standing over someone – she couldn't quite see who – some sort of deal happening. Her thoughts wandered back to Vlad, who was now talking about his antique sword collection.

"It's a short knife with hieroglyphics on the scabbard, rescued from the initial opening of Tutenkhamen's tomb by a digger from Turkey with a drinking problem. I won it from him one night over a bottle of Arak and a game of whist – and its one of over 400 in my collection". Magenta gazed up at Vlad, eyeing off the firm cut of his jaw..

"Vladimir, I would love to see your sword, see you pull it from your scabbard and unfurl it, even.."

"Its one of the finest examples from that era. I also have an early Cinquedea, a small Italian five finger width dagger, deadly in any close up encounter."

"Uh, how thick is this guy", thought Magenta, "I drop him a long hint and he's obsessing about his thrust and stab. "

"..the mercenary troops of Switzerland and Germany used a massive two-hand sword to violate the opposing army's front line." Vlad was enjoying displaying his knowledge.. " The wiliest and strongest would leap ahead with their two-handers, to slice and demolish the invaders. "


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 24 Jul 04 - 12:12 AM

I can get short and sarcastic when some chippy tries to put the fast move on me and I ain't in the mood. Mind you, this Mabel had an okay set of pins on her and she was the first human dame who had flirted with me in a long time (except for Magenta), but I just didn't like her style and I was too busy keepin' an eye on what old Vlad was up to next.

I guess I shoulda been more polite though. I seen her talkin' to these two plug-uglies by the bar and I knew there was trouble comin'. A chimp can smell trouble the way a hound smells a dead rat. Sure enough, here they came. They had muscles on top of their muscles. Probably between their ears too. One was wearin' a striped T-shirt that was a size too small. The other was dressed in a black AC/DC shirt. I hate AC/DC. He also had several earrings in each cauliflower ear, and they did nothin' for his looks.

I just kept drinkin' my drink. They came and stood over me silently, on either side. I guess they figured on terrifying me first. I took a drag on my Cuban.

"You!" said the striped one, glaring down menacingly. He hadda be at least 6'3". I glanced up at him. "When I need another drink I'll wave," I said.

"You're not gonna need a drink, mate, you're gonna need a doctor," he snarled, making a fist with one hand and smacking it into the palm of his other hand suggestively. "Yeh." said AC/DC, hooking his thumbs in his belt and swaggering.

"Yer buddy AC/DC's got a great command of the language, don't he?" I remarked to Stripes. "A real Shakespeare. So why would I need a doctor? Is the liquor that bad in this dive?"

I watched as the mercury shot up fast in these two bozos' rectal implants. They probably hadn't ever met anybody before who was under five feet tall and this lippy. Like I say, I shoulda been more diplomatic. What the hell. I was just one of those nights when I couldn't be bothered.

"Stand up, you bloody stinking ape!" said Stripes. AC/DC didn't say nothin'. He was too busy practicin' his ugly faces at me.

I took another drag on the cigar. A long one. "First off," I said, "how do you know I ain't already standin' up? Chimps are short. Second, I don't have disagreements with people who ain't had the common decency to introduce themselves first. My name's Chongo. Chongo Chimp. I gotta know your names, and then I will stand up. Otherwise, I suggest you go climb yer thumb somewhere."

I thought they was both gonna swell up and explode at that point. I began to fear for their health. AC/DC looked enraged and baffled at the some time. "Climb up me thumb???" he said thickly. "Wot the 'ell is 'e on about?"

"I'm Peebles," said Stripes, stabbing at his massive chest with his own thumb, "and e's F'rock. Mr Peebles and Mr F'rock to you! We're on security 'ere at this 'ere pub, and you've insulted a lady wot works 'ere. We bust the 'eads of people 'oo insult ladies. Bloody stinking apes we skin alive!"

I looked at the cigar. It was only half smoked. Damn shame. Half of that cigar was about to get wasted. Across the bar Vlad was watching the scene out of the corner of his undead eye whilst continuing to blather on pompously to Magenta. He looked amused.

I stood up. "Frock, you say? Strange name. How do you spell Frock, AC/DC? You do know how to spell, right?"

"You think I'm stupid, don't you?" growled AC/DC, moving in a little closer, and clenching his fists. "I spell me name T-H-R-O-C-K...F'rock!"

"That's what I figured," I said. "But where I come from, bozo, a frock is a frilly little thing that a girl wears. I like that name on you. It fits. Funny, I think I heard about your families before somewhere, in an old story out of Africa. A couple of low class bindle stiffs from Blackpool came down on a tramp steamer. They tried to pull a fast one on Lord Greystoke. You know, the apeman. They made a big mistake. So did your buddy here when he called me a stinkin' ape. You might notice I am now standin' up. You gonna show or you gonna blow?"

That did it. Peebles swore and drove a vicious right at me, which I ducked under as Throck bellowed and charged from the other side. He got Peebles' fist in his face for his troubles, and then got tangled up in the table and chair. I butted Peebles in the gut hard and got my long arms around his chunky midriff. A chimp has very strong arms and a low center of gravity, and I used it to my advantage, rolling on my back and dragging Peebles down on top of me. Then I kicked him in the gut with both feet and propelled him over my head. He met Throck head on, and the two of then went crashing against the wall like some eight-legged abomination out of a bad sci-fi film, knocking down a framed picture of some famous soccer player in the process.

I retrieved the cigar. It was still burning fine, so I took a drag. Peebles and Throck were up again fast and they fanned out, a little more cautious now. I could see Mabel watching out of the corner of my eye. I would need to watch that skirt carefully.

"You see this cigar?" I said. "This is a fine Cuban cigar. I hate to think that because of you two jerks this cigar is gonna be half wasted. I take offence over that. Because of that, I am gonna stick it in someone's nose. Who'll it be?"

Well, they didn't answer that for me. Peebles came at me yelling, swinging hard rights and lefts, so I put the cigar in my mouth, got hold of his right arm and moved him fast in the direction he was already going. It's a technique that works very well. You don't resist a blow, you just help the guy continue along that line till he meets something he doesn't want to meet. He met another table. One with three people and a whole lot of beer on it. They all went down in one great unholy tangle. Meanwhile, Throck had got hold of a chair and was intent on bustin' it over my head. I have a hard head, but there are limits. I waited till he made his move, got under it, and stuck the lit cigar in his nose. He bellowed like a bull and dropped the chair. I did a sweep on him that landed him on his back, picked up the chair and pitched it hard at Peebles, who was coming back for more. The chair disintegrated. Lousy workmanship. Peebles kept coming, so I helped him on his way again. This time I helped him run into the wall. He busted the wallboard and stuck into it headfirst like an armour-piercing shell in the side of a Sherman tank. More lousy workmanship. This pub definitely needed renovating.

Meanwhile, I was surprised to find about five more guys suddenly on my case. I guess they don't like outsiders comin' in and startin' fights in London pubs. Same as Chicago. This could get outa hand. I popped a couple of 'em with solid ape punches that knocked 'em down. Two more leaped on me and we went down in a heap. It's a good thing I've got four good fightin' hands instead of just two. I hadda use 'em. I got hold of these bozos and knocked their heads together, broke loose, and made a leap for the chandelier. It held. Better workmanship.

"Kill the bloody ape!" yelled Throck. They were all milling around below. Then they started throwing beer bottles at me.

"Bundolo!!!" I screamed, giving a mighty pull on the chandelier. It let go and I rode it down into the thick of them. We all went down together. Then I started in seriously with 'em. What a dustup. It wasn't half as scary as the fight with Vlad had been, but it was the best bar fight I remember in a while. I'd say it lasted about 3 minutes. Maybe. They all got in each other's way, which really helped me. We managed to break most of the furniture in the place and somebody stepped on my hat. I wish I knew who it was.

Mabel finally broke the whole thing up when she came out from behind the bar with a snub-nosed revolver and started blasting it at me. Everybody that was still on their feet scattered, and that included me. I gave a mighty yell of "Kreegah!", grabbed my violin case (in which rested the tommy gun) and dove through a handy window into the cool night air. I was up the wall in a flash, then quartered over and took a quick look through another window. What a mess! Mabel was yelling blue murder and in the distance I could hear those funny English cop cars coming.

I noticed one other thing in that moment's hurried glance. Vlad and Magenta were nowhere to be seen...they had left the bar...to where? I hadda find out fast.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate


Next Page

 


You must be a member to post in non-music threads. Join here.


You must be a member to post in non-music threads. Join here.



Mudcat time: 2 December 4:42 PM EST

[ Home ]

All original material is copyright © 1998 by the Mudcat Café Music Foundation, Inc. All photos, music, images, etc. are copyright © by their rightful owners. Every effort is taken to attribute appropriate copyright to images, content, music, etc. We are not a copyright resource.