BS: Spam Astrology

Subject: BS: Spam Astrology
From: Morticia
Date: 15 Feb 04 - 06:58 AM

As I was deleting the usual collection of offers I have no wish to take advantage of in my e-mail this morning,I realised something momentous.For hundreds of years people have been looking up at the stars and messing about with complex charts to read their future but there's no need. You can foretell your day's little up's and down's through Spam!!!!

First, get yourself an e-mail address.....anyone will do, they'll find you sooner or later. Then any morning or evening, open your e-mail and scry the contents.

4 or more offers to enlarge any part of your anatomy means today will be a day to try harder.
7 or more offers to make you rich means today will be a good day to ask the boss for a raise or pay back any small debts you may owe.
2 or more offers to allow you to gain a Degree with no 'work' means today is a good day to meet new people
5 or more invitations to pornographic sites will mean you may wish to avoid discussions in the street with obnoxious strangers.

See? I'm on to something, don't you reckon? Obviously, I'm still developing the art of reading Spam, but I reckon I could make millions, I tell you, millions!!!! They'll be sorry they laughed at my self-propelling colonic irrigation kit then. alright!

Morticia;Inventor of Read Your Future with Spam (Patent pending)

Subject: RE: BS: Spam Astrology
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 15 Feb 04 - 07:39 AM

Esteemed Seer

What about the Joke of the day site? or the French language site that is something about artists - dunno exactly what as I have forgotten most of the French I learnt at school years ago?

signed
curious

Subject: RE: BS: Spam Astrology
From: Morticia
Date: 15 Feb 04 - 07:45 AM

Ahhh, well, for French language sites or all other spam in furrin, that means you need to beware of any stranger with a gap in his teeth.
Joke of the Day.....hmmm, the mists are parting.....I see that Joke of the Day represents an unfortunate fashion mistake such as wearing
stripes and plaid.....glad I could help

Madame Morticia

Subject: RE: BS: Spam Astrology
From: DMcG
Date: 15 Feb 04 - 07:50 AM

My ISP filters out some, but by no means all, of my spam. Are they running my life? If they filter out the enlargement message that moves me from "another ordinary day" to "winning the lottery" can I sue?

Subject: RE: BS: Spam Astrology
From: pixieofdoom
Date: 15 Feb 04 - 07:57 AM

What about the spam you get that offers to predict your future? Four or more offers to have your palm read suggests that today would be a good day to finish 'War and Peace'?

Subject: RE: BS: Spam Astrology
From: Amos
Date: 15 Feb 04 - 09:24 AM

This is absolutely BRILL. We have long needed to integrate the fine advanced edge of technology with the ancient mysttic dark powers of superstition and ignorance -- and Morticia has shown us how it can be done, when no-one else even acknowledged the problem!! I am overcome with awe and admiration!!

A

Subject: RE: BS: Spam Astrology
From: Morticia
Date: 15 Feb 04 - 09:55 AM

Why thank you, Amos....I am now, even as we speak, working on the Spam I-Ching and Spam Tarot.....I foresee a bright future for my bank manager....

Subject: RE: BS: Spam Astrology
From: Amos
Date: 15 Feb 04 - 10:32 AM

I can see the GUI now -- you answer questions along the lines of "How many "Grow your Penis" mails did you get today? How many "Double your cup size"? How many "Generic Viagra"? How many "Tax on Email" threats? How many "Send this to everyone you know ..." mails?

Then, based on the survey, you do a complex calculation like unto the coins of the I Ching and bingo!! An obscure all encompassing future is yours!

A

Subject: RE: BS: Spam Astrology
From: Peace
Date: 15 Feb 04 - 11:36 AM

Spam? Shit, I thought it was Maps. OK, if it has been astrology, then no wonder things have been OK. Everything's reversed. Sllab!

Subject: RE: BS: Spam Astrology
From: JennyO
Date: 15 Feb 04 - 11:41 AM

So what does it mean when you have 54 Nigerian scam letters?

Subject: RE: BS: Spam Astrology
From: Amos
Date: 15 Feb 04 - 12:10 PM

It means this is a dark day and you had best stay in bed at least until noon.

A

Subject: RE: BS: Spam Astrology
From: Alice
Date: 15 Feb 04 - 12:45 PM

You guys crack me up!

Subject: RE: BS: Spam Astrology
From: Peace
Date: 15 Feb 04 - 01:03 PM

JennyO: It means you will get really rich.

Subject: RE: BS: Spam Astrology
From: Catherine Jayne
Date: 15 Feb 04 - 01:13 PM

I get about 7-10 Russian emails a day....I think it is telling me to learn a foreign language...and I've just mastered understanding the southern accent!!.....What do you think Madame Morticia??

Subject: RE: BS: Spam Astrology
From: Amos
Date: 15 Feb 04 - 01:25 PM

Cph:

This indicates you should drink much Wodka this day, yes? Yes?? ahhhHA! For you it will be being, how you say, FERRY GOOT!! 'Sporisho, , and all that!

A

Subject: RE: BS: Spam Astrology
From: Peace
Date: 15 Feb 04 - 01:56 PM

Why was it called Spam and not Klik or Spork?

Subject: RE: BS: Spam Astrology
From: Cllr
Date: 15 Feb 04 - 01:59 PM

Dear Madame Mort THis is sheer brilliance, Please can you examine the contents of my in box to tell me my future. Cllr

Subject: RE: BS: Spam Astrology
From: Catherine Jayne
Date: 15 Feb 04 - 02:08 PM

Arhhhh Amos my dear 'tis true, I should drink more Vodka!!

Subject: RE: BS: Spam Astrology
From: Bill D
Date: 15 Feb 04 - 02:08 PM

well, if emailed Spam works for Astrology and I-Ching and Tarot, I figgered the REAL kind oughta work for palmistry and Phrenology, too...so I rubbed a brand new loaf of Spam on my head and my Palm Pilot, and now neither one works so very good no more...what am I doing wrong?

Subject: RE: BS: Spam Astrology
From: Nemesis
Date: 15 Feb 04 - 02:12 PM

Just remember some of us are journalists Cllr, and invitations like that might predict a very long political career:
pushing the tea trolley into council meetings for the next 30 years :) (Nice pinny though)

Subject: RE: BS: Spam Astrology
From: Morticia
Date: 15 Feb 04 - 03:23 PM

The Veil Lifts

Dear Amos, please do not be a-encouragin' of my fambly to drink more, we all know auntie Khatt has a wee bit of a problem ( I can say that now, she's too bladdered to read the screen by this time, don't need to be psychic for that one)

Dear Brucie, I dunno, I'm an spamologist not a contestant on Mastermind.

Dear Cllr, I see a weekend, not too far away that appears to hold much beer and singing....good or what,eh?

Dear Bill.......you should stay away from tins dear, you've only had that opposable thumb a little while, wouldn't want a nasty accident now, would we?

Dear Nem, I see a long career working as a reporter for The Sunday Times Folk Music Section......I know they don't have one yet, but you wait and see....

The Veil Closes....snags on an upturned can of spam...Closes Properly this Time.

Subject: RE: BS: Spam Astrology
From: Amos
Date: 15 Feb 04 - 04:28 PM

LOL!!! Uproarious. Don't you know you can be held in chains for inciting excessive merriment? Or has that law changed since the 1890's??


A

Subject: RE: BS: Spam Astrology
From: Catherine Jayne
Date: 15 Feb 04 - 04:32 PM

My Dear Darling Niece....... I'm not an alcoholic....Im in practice.....fancy a Gin???!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Spam Astrology
From: John Hardly
Date: 15 Feb 04 - 04:47 PM

Oh my G.....!!!

My monitor just moved...

......all by itself!

Subject: RE: BS: Spam Astrology
From: katlaughing
Date: 15 Feb 04 - 04:57 PM

So, will I really have DIRE THINGS happen to me if I DON'T pass their e-pistle on or, is it all just meta4ical?

(Love your idea...I look to see it on the Spam rounds within 6 months, author unknown. Better get it up on a website now!)

Subject: RE: BS: Spam Astrology
From: Bill D
Date: 15 Feb 04 - 06:30 PM

kat may be right!

look here

and here

Subject: RE: BS: Spam Astrology
From: JennieG
Date: 15 Feb 04 - 07:41 PM

Oooooh Bill - that is sooooo spooky! How did Kat know, do you reckon?
And will I ever be the rich man's plaything that I was put on this earth to be?

Cheers
JennieG - living in hope as usual

Subject: RE: BS: Spam Astrology
From: Peace
Date: 15 Feb 04 - 07:44 PM

Yeah, what JennieG said, but female for me.

Subject: RE: BS: Spam Astrology
From: Morticia
Date: 15 Feb 04 - 07:54 PM

Depends on how many " Re-mortgage Now" e-mails you are getting. Private readings for small fee by PM only.

Subject: RE: BS: Spam Astrology
From: Mary in Kentucky
Date: 15 Feb 04 - 09:33 PM

I just deleted all my spam, so I don't have any raw data to examine. :-( Could you send me some, Morty? How will I know it's from you? What is your spam name?

Subject: MAKE PENIS FAST! - or 50,000 inches of penis....
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 15 Feb 04 - 09:43 PM

MAKE PENIS FAST!

X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
Forwarded-by: Gene Philips

        INSTRUCTIONS:

Follow these instructions EXACTLY, and in 20 to 60 days you will have received well over 50,000 inches of penis, all yours. This program has remained successful because of the inadequacy and vanity of the participants. Please continue its success by carefully adhering to the instructions.

Welcome to the world of Mail Order Penis Enlargement! This business is a little different from most cosmetic surgery. Your product is not tangible and solid [sic], but rather, a service. You are in the business of extending penii. Many small of endowment are happy to pay big bucks for this service.(The money made from the penis enlargement is secondary to the income which is made from people like yourself requesting that they be included in that list.)
   1) Immediately cut off your penis at the base.
   2) Cut off the head of your penis, and pack it in ice for later use.
   3) Take the remaining midsection of your penis, and cut it into 5
pieces of equal length.
   4) Immediately mail each piece to the first 5 names listed below
starting at number 1 through number 5.
       Send penis only please (total investment = your penis).
       Enclose a note with each piece stating:
        "Please add my name to your mailing list."
       (This is a legitimate service that you are requesting and you are
paying with your penis for this service).
   5) Remove the name that appears number 1 on the list.
       Move the other 9 names up one position. (Number 2 will become number 1
       and number 3 will become number 2, etc.)
       Place your name, address and zip code in the number 10 position.
   6) Post the new letter with your name in the number 10 position into 10
(Ten) separate newsgroups.
   7) Within 60 days you will receive over 50,000 inches of PENIS. Keep a
   copy of this file for yourself so that you can use it again and again
   whenever you need penis enlargement.

As soon as you mail out these letters you are automatically in the mail order business and people are sending you their penis to be placed on your mailing list. This list can then be rented to a reconstructive cosmetic surgeon that can be found in the Yellow Pages for additional income on a regular basis. The list will become more valuable as it grows in size. This is a service. This is perfectly legal. If you have any doubts, refer to Title 18, Sec. 1302 & 1341 of the postal lottery laws.

NOTE: Make sure you retain EVERY Name and Address sent to you, either on computer or hard copy, but do not discard the names and notes they send you. This is PROOF that you are truly providing a service and should the AMA, FDA, or some other Government Agency question you, you can provide them with this proof!

Remember as each post is downloaded and the instructions carefully followed, five members will be reimbursed for their participation as a Penis Enlarger with one inch of penis each. Your name will move up the list geometrically so that when your name reaches the number five position you will be receiving thousands of inches in penis.

1. Daniel J. Karnes 6394-B Tawney Bloom
                        Mogi Donuts, MD 21045
2. Emil T. Chuck    6394-A Tawney Bloom
                        Mogi Donuts, MD 21045
4. William Davenant 8295 Hiding Closet Rd
                        Clarkston, MI 48348
5. Peter Ruckman    14805 Rivercrest
                        Sterling Hts., MI 48312
6. Steven Crisp      3718 Kings Point
                        Troy, MI 48083
7. Mark Gengler      5748 Patterson
                        Troy, MI 48098
8. Pat Robertson      666 God's Little Homophobe Road
                         Anti-Christ Hills, VA 48307
9. Fred Phelps       14-U Our Saviour of the Closet Lane
                        Orchard Lake, MI 48323
10. Jesse Helms      20840 Tobacco Mercenary Street
                        Lung Cancer Hacks., VA 48038

Dear Friend,

My name is Daniel J. Karnes. In September 1988 my life was repressed and the bible thumpers were hounding me like you wouldn't believe. I was never laid and my mental disability checks had run out. The only escape I had from the pressure of failure was my Apple computer and my bible. I longed to turn my fixation into my vocation.

This January 1989 my family and I went on a ten day cruise to the tropics. I bought a Double-Wide Trailer with CASH in Feburary 1989. I am currently building a Self-Worship Temple on the West Coast of Florida, with a private S/M Dungeon with room for all of my closeted friends, and a beautiful view of the bay from my women's shoes closet and wardrobe. I will never be underendowed again. Today I am equipped! I have over 400,000 inches of penis (33,333 feet and 4 inches! ) to date and will become a million-incher within 4 or 5 months. Anyone can do the same. This penis enlargement making program works perfectly every time, 100% of the time. I have NEVER failed to earn 50,000 inches or more whenever I wanted. Best of all you never have to leave home except to go to your mailbox or reconstructive surgeon.

In October 1988, I received a letter in the mail telling me how I could earn 50,000 inches of penis or more whenever I wanted. I was naturally very skeptical and threw the letter on the desk next to my computer. It's funny though, when you are desparately underendowed, backed into a corner, your mind does crazy things. I spent a frustating day looking through the want ads for a wife who didn't need sexual fulfillment. The pickings were sparse at best. That night I tried to unwind by booting up my Apple computer and calling several gay bulletin boards. I read several of the message posts and then glanced at the letter next to the computer. All at once it came to me, I now had the key to my dreams.

I realized that with the power of the computer I could expand and enhance this penis making formula into the most unbelievable penis enlargement generator that has ever been created. I substituted the computer bulletion boards in place of the post office and electronically did by computer what others were doing 100% by mail. Now only a few letters are mailed manually. Most of the hard work is speedily downloaded to other bulletin boards throughout the world. If you believe that someday you deserve that lucky break that you have waited for all your life, simply follow the easy instructions below. Your dreams will come true.

                           Sincerely yours,

                           Daniel J. Karnes
                           -- Why doesn't Wenchell's
                           -- Serve Mogi Donuts?



About six months ago I received the enclosed post in letter form. I ignored it. I received about five more of the same letter withn the next two weeks. I ignored them also. Of course, I was tempted to follow through and dreamed of making thousands of inches, but I was convinced it was just another gimmick and could not possibly work. I was wrong! About three weeks later I saw this same letter posted on a local bulletion board in Montreal. I liked the idea of giving it a try with my computer. I didn't expect much because I figured, if other people were as skeptical as I, they wouldn't be too quick to part with their penis. But, I buy lottery tickets weekly in my province and have nothing to show for it but ticket stubs. This week I decided to look at this as my weekly lottery purchase. I addressed the envelopes and mailed out one piece of my penis in each as directed. Two weeks went by and I didn't recieve anything in the mail. The fourth week rolled around and I couldn't believe what happened! I can't say I received 50,000 inches, but it was definitely well over 35,000! For the first time in all my years, I was adequately endowed. It was great. Of course, it didn't take me long to feel inadequate again so I am using this excellent penis enlargement opportunity once again. Follow the instructions and get ready to enjoy.

Please send a copy of this letter along with the enclosed letter so together we can convince people who are skeptical that it really works!

                              Good Luck,
                              
                              St Agathe Que.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
This document is an attempt at humor. Anyone who flames me will be
ignored as a humorless twit, whose indignation is without meaning.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: RE: BS: Spam Astrology
From: Jeri
Date: 15 Feb 04 - 09:51 PM

Foolesdroop, I think it's absolutely hilarious, but I suspect male members may feel otherwise. Prepare thyself for flames. (And possibly, plagarism.)

Subject: RE: BS: Spam Astrology
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 15 Feb 04 - 09:57 PM

I didn't write it - the ISSN number is at the start -
X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649

It's several years old.

Robin

Subject: RE: BS: Spam Astrology
From: Jeri
Date: 15 Feb 04 - 10:08 PM

I thought the ISSN number was part of the joke.
THEY CATALOG THIS STUFF??!!

Hey, I'm getting funny spam now. I wonder what that means. The bit they stick in to fool the spam filters

"In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife. (Heeeeee-YAH! Sound of smashing box of kleenex.) But this method doesn't work with a telephone call... (Dial tone.) Introducing the all-new Ginsu answering machine! It cuts, it chops, it slices, it dices your incoming calls! How much would you pay? Don't answer, because if you leave your name and number when you hear the tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE!"

and

"1. Place a live cat on the cockpit floor; because a cat always remains upright. It can be used in lieu of a needle and ball. Merely watch to see which way the cat leans to determine if a wing is low and if so, which one."

(It likely means I shouldn't read spam.)

Subject: RE: BS: Spam Astrology
From: Amos
Date: 15 Feb 04 - 10:25 PM

Spamology??? You believe in Spamology?? Isn't that really just another version of Diuretics?? Something about anagrams, isn't it???

A

Subject: RE: BS: Spam Astrology
From: Peace
Date: 16 Feb 04 - 12:10 AM

Diuretics? That was started by Hubbard, wasn't it?

Subject: RE: BS: Spam Astrology
From: Amos
Date: 16 Feb 04 - 12:23 AM

Hobart, yas, of Web Radio fame. Believes that the secret of life is water going in and coming out again, and built a successful world-wide cult on this principal...


A

Subject: RE: BS: Spam Astrology
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 16 Feb 04 - 01:18 AM

Gather ye pigeons while ye may
(or The "*S*ome *P*retty *A*wful *M*instrelsy" Song)

Robin

Subject: RE: BS: Spam Astrology
From: Bobjack
Date: 16 Feb 04 - 08:38 AM

I can't believe I have just read through all this tosh. There I was happily surfing for a good recipe that includes Spam, and not one of you has coughed up any culinary secrets!

Subject: RE: BS: Spam Astrology
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 16 Feb 04 - 08:45 AM

You could try Pigeon Pie!

Subject: RE: BS: Spam Astrology
From: Bobjack
Date: 16 Feb 04 - 09:02 AM

You have a thing about pigeons don't you Rob? Are they infesting the upper reaches of your library? Call upon Buffy the pigeon slayer, she will shift them for you.

Subject: RE: BS: Spam Astrology
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 16 Feb 04 - 09:28 AM

No Bobjacj

you're thinking about the bats in my belfrey!

Robin

Subject: RE: BS: Spam Astrology
From: GUEST,Buffy the pigeon slayer
Date: 16 Feb 04 - 10:38 AM

Did somebody call?

Subject: RE: BS: Spam Astrology
From: pixieofdoom
Date: 16 Feb 04 - 05:32 PM

I'm confused.........

I had 16 spams offering me a penis extension and 22 more offering me viagra for optimising it's use. I took this to mean that I should be sure to carry an umbrella and to keep an eye out for loose elephants. The 8 I got advertising casino's tipped me off about the Jehovah's Witness with the bad breath so I thought my day was mapped out. Then I realised that my credit card offers were not only an odd number but were also in alignment with my 43 dating service adverts. And I think that breast implants are in retrograde at the moment. Am I to expect a rain of sprouts? Please help

Subject: RE: BS: Spam Astrology
From: Clinton Hammond
Date: 16 Feb 04 - 05:42 PM

What about someone like me who hardly gets any spam at all?

I get no horoscope?

Good...

,-)

Subject: RE: BS: Spam Astrology
From: pixieofdoom
Date: 16 Feb 04 - 06:29 PM

Does that mean you have no future?

Subject: RE: BS: Spam Astrology
From: Amos
Date: 16 Feb 04 - 06:55 PM

Send your email address to pixie, Clinton. She has enough to spare, and you wouldn't want to run out!!

A

Subject: RE: BS: Spam Astrology
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 16 Feb 04 - 07:12 PM

If you really want some, Clinton, I'm sure we can submit your name to a few sources, if you want... :-)

Robin

Subject: RE: BS: Spam Astrology
From: GUEST
Date: 16 Feb 04 - 08:39 PM

Does this mean that now when you eat Spam, you are actually eating pen....   aw, never mind...

Subject: RE: BS: Spam Astrology
From: Bill D
Date: 16 Feb 04 - 09:44 PM

spam gourmets at work

Spam as a medium

some of the best folks in society work in Spam