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Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?

GUEST,Len Wallace 29 Feb 04 - 01:51 PM
Eric the Viking 29 Feb 04 - 02:40 PM
Sorcha 29 Feb 04 - 03:25 PM
Clinton Hammond 29 Feb 04 - 03:48 PM
GUEST,Andy 29 Feb 04 - 04:46 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 29 Feb 04 - 05:48 PM
dick greenhaus 29 Feb 04 - 05:57 PM
GUEST,Peter from Essex 29 Feb 04 - 05:59 PM
GUEST 29 Feb 04 - 06:17 PM
Mooh 29 Feb 04 - 06:19 PM
Jim McLean 29 Feb 04 - 06:29 PM
Tattie Bogle 29 Feb 04 - 08:02 PM
Joe_F 29 Feb 04 - 08:59 PM
Dave Hanson 29 Feb 04 - 09:37 PM
Walking Eagle 29 Feb 04 - 09:49 PM
GUEST,Ely 29 Feb 04 - 10:02 PM
open mike 29 Feb 04 - 11:31 PM
Peace 01 Mar 04 - 12:12 AM
GUEST,leeneia 01 Mar 04 - 12:23 AM
open mike 01 Mar 04 - 12:56 AM
DaveA 01 Mar 04 - 02:44 AM
alanabit 01 Mar 04 - 03:06 AM
GUEST,Jeremiah McCaw 01 Mar 04 - 05:29 AM
Pied Piper 01 Mar 04 - 05:44 AM
ossonflags 01 Mar 04 - 06:06 AM
kendall 01 Mar 04 - 07:37 AM
Splott Man 01 Mar 04 - 07:55 AM
GUEST, Hamish 01 Mar 04 - 08:03 AM
Pete Betts (inactive) 01 Mar 04 - 08:45 AM
GUEST,Larry K 01 Mar 04 - 10:22 AM
Mark Ross 01 Mar 04 - 12:12 PM
GUEST,Les B. 01 Mar 04 - 01:59 PM
Folkiedave 01 Mar 04 - 03:35 PM
Benjamin 01 Mar 04 - 03:56 PM
GUEST,JTT 01 Mar 04 - 05:02 PM
Jim McLean 01 Mar 04 - 05:07 PM
Fran 01 Mar 04 - 05:10 PM
Big Jim from Jackson 01 Mar 04 - 07:23 PM
kendall 01 Mar 04 - 08:31 PM
Bob Hitchcock 01 Mar 04 - 08:59 PM
GUEST,Boab 02 Mar 04 - 02:25 AM
Pete Betts (inactive) 02 Mar 04 - 06:06 AM
HuwG 02 Mar 04 - 06:44 AM
The Villan 02 Mar 04 - 02:34 PM
GUEST,Tunesmith 02 Mar 04 - 03:32 PM
Deckman 02 Mar 04 - 04:44 PM
TheBigPinkLad 02 Mar 04 - 06:35 PM
GUEST 02 Mar 04 - 08:27 PM
GUEST,.gargoyle 02 Mar 04 - 09:49 PM
Beer 02 Mar 04 - 10:35 PM
GUEST,Boab 03 Mar 04 - 01:58 AM
GUEST,Boab 03 Mar 04 - 02:05 AM
Chip2447 03 Mar 04 - 03:25 AM
Pete Betts (inactive) 03 Mar 04 - 06:14 AM
Lancashire Lad 03 Mar 04 - 06:43 AM
Cluin 03 Mar 04 - 01:38 PM
GUEST,Dave S 04 Mar 04 - 01:22 AM
matai 04 Mar 04 - 02:19 AM
GUEST,.gargoyle 04 Mar 04 - 10:13 PM
Shimbo Darktree 04 Mar 04 - 10:55 PM
The Fooles Troupe 05 Mar 04 - 02:12 AM
Pete Betts (inactive) 05 Mar 04 - 06:23 AM
dermod in salisbury 05 Mar 04 - 08:30 AM
Lil Dog Turpy 05 Mar 04 - 09:10 AM
GUEST,Jim Knowledge 05 Mar 04 - 09:42 AM
kendall 06 Mar 04 - 03:59 AM
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Subject: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: GUEST,Len Wallace
Date: 29 Feb 04 - 01:51 PM

Hi gang,

When one performs in a pub you inevitably will get a nasty heckler, someone shouting insensibly for a song. Sometimes you just can't get an audience to applaud no matter how hard you try. Or sometimes, even with a great audience, you try some audience participation and find that it falls flat and no one will join in.

So, QUESTIONS:
What's your favourite insult? Your favourite comeback? Your favourite way to goad an audience?

When I try and get an audience to participate and they won't I'll try the old Tommy Makem line, "Join hands and contact the living!" or just stop and murmur in exasperation, "God sakes, I'm playing for Presbyterians again!"

A pal of mine was once confronted with an audience member who kept goading him. Finally my friend turned to the guy and said, "What's your problem? Do I come over to where you work and tell you how to sweep a broom?" On another occasion, when a group of drunken louts starting demanding a song and he couldn't make out what they were saying in the din of noise he responded, "I'm sorry. I can't understand what you're saying. I don't speak shitface!"

So, what are the lines y'all use?

Len Wallace


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: Eric the Viking
Date: 29 Feb 04 - 02:40 PM

Dunno really, but Christy Moore (about halfway through the Planxty gig) when his name was called out by a member of the audience, shouted back, "You just woke up?"


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: Sorcha
Date: 29 Feb 04 - 03:25 PM

I have never needed them. My audiences appreciate us.


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: Clinton Hammond
Date: 29 Feb 04 - 03:48 PM

Why is it Len, you always start these threads after a gig at O'Ryans??

LOL


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: GUEST,Andy
Date: 29 Feb 04 - 04:46 PM

One of the best I've heard was " don't peek too early son." Then there was a pause. And then he said, " your dad did".


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 29 Feb 04 - 05:48 PM

A friend has been the regular Monday-through-Thursday act at a good-sized bar for years. He decided that since most hecklers are drunk, and being drunk is basically a self-induced for of insanity, the only way to beat 'em is to be crazier than they are. His response to hecklers is to go into his "crazyman" routine replete with screaming, crying and whatever other bizarre behaviors he can come up with without getting fired or arrested. The bar regulars come to watch him go off on the hecklers as much as to hear him play.


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 29 Feb 04 - 05:57 PM

Be careful with this stuff--you're apt to alienate the non-hecklers. A gentle comeback is to gaze at the heckler musingly, and say , "You know, I remember when I had my first drink."


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: GUEST,Peter from Essex
Date: 29 Feb 04 - 05:59 PM

bugger, I was about to post that one.


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: GUEST
Date: 29 Feb 04 - 06:17 PM

I have never been in situations where this was a problem. I'm with Sorcha. The audiences I see are at the very least polite. The performers have no need to trade insults.


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: Mooh
Date: 29 Feb 04 - 06:19 PM

Shit, me too! Quick on the draw Dick! Mooh.


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: Jim McLean
Date: 29 Feb 04 - 06:29 PM

Danny Kyle had quite a few answers. 'Lean against the wall, pal,' he would say. 'It's plastered as well!' or, if someone hissed ... 'Your bra's leaking missus!'


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 29 Feb 04 - 08:02 PM

Not really an insult but a very quickfire heckle from our resident fuuny man. I asked the audience what thirty years of marriage meant, as I was about to sing a song on that subject: "AGONY" he shouted and brought the house down!


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: Joe_F
Date: 29 Feb 04 - 08:59 PM

According to a story retailed by Bertrand Russell, when heckled by a drunk during a political debate, Mr Gladstone would fix the miscreant with his terrific eye & say: "May I request the gentleman who has, not once but repeatedly, interrupted my observations by his interjections, to extend to me that large measure of courtesy which, were I in his place and he in mine, I should most unhesitatingly extend to him." Tradition has it that that speech, suitably delivered, would not only shut a man up but sober him up on the spot. If so, it is well worth memorizing.


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 29 Feb 04 - 09:37 PM

Is that your own brain or are you breaking it in for moron?
eric


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: Walking Eagle
Date: 29 Feb 04 - 09:49 PM

Joe F--and probably put him to sleep, effectively getting rid of THAT problem! LOL!


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: GUEST,Ely
Date: 29 Feb 04 - 10:02 PM

I don't perform enough to need them, but one musician in particular that I go to see as often as I can always comes up with little zingers. One night at a bar, there was a group of under-attired college girls hanging around, more in the hopes of being picked up by a minor Austin celebrity than for the sake of the music, and when they got too giggly he paused mid-verse to tell them that their mother was waiting outside to pick them up.


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: open mike
Date: 29 Feb 04 - 11:31 PM

not my favorite, but a situation i saw which made me cringe:
Nanci Griffith was performing at the Kate Wolf festival and
the sound was incredibly BAD--the BASS was turned way up so
that it hurt our ears. The audience repeatedly tried to ask
Nanci to alert the sound crew to this atrocious mistake, as
we knew she could hear us and perhaps pass on the request to
the board. Instead of working with us, who were in PAIN, she
snapped back at us "Do I come to your work and tell you how
to flip burgers?" This was an insult, did not acknowledge our
discomfort, and trivialized the entire audience's experience.
So sometimes audience comments are worthy of response, and
come from genuine concern. Her answer was rude.


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: Peace
Date: 01 Mar 04 - 12:12 AM

So, you want to buy a round for the house, is that what you're saying?


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: GUEST,leeneia
Date: 01 Mar 04 - 12:23 AM

Here's a story I heard from guitarist Richard Gilewitz.

Gilewitz was doing his classical set in a bar and was playing "Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring." A guy planted himself in front of him and bellowed "Buffet!" meaning he wanted to hear a Jimmy Buffet tune.

Gilewitz replied, "This is by Jimmy Buffet."

"Cool!" said the drunk, and he sat down.
----------------------
open mike: I agree with you 100% re the loud bass. Nobody has the right to hurt anybody else with sound. I will remember and avoid Nanci Griffith.


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: open mike
Date: 01 Mar 04 - 12:56 AM

I am not suggesting to boycott nanci griffith...
on the whole she has some very wonderful material:
supports the campaign against landmines, is a
sensitive and insightful songwriter, a cancer
survivor, an author and amazing Texas singer/
songwriter legend, but had one short-tempered,
not-so-far-sighted moment.


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: DaveA
Date: 01 Mar 04 - 02:44 AM

I forget the performer but never the putdown...

She was singing in a Cape Town night club & getting pestered by the architypical smashed middle-aged business man.

Eventually, she walked over to his table, asked his name & then enquired if he was Jewish.
When he said Yes, she paused & then said:
"I thought so. They threw the best bit of you away"

I just hope he remembered the line when he sobered up!!

Dave


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: alanabit
Date: 01 Mar 04 - 03:06 AM

I never go out to get into a battle of insults, but I have ben a busker for many years, so there have been times when I have needed a robust comeback. I have used many different lines over the years, but one of my favourites is to say,"It's strange how much noise it makes if you put strong beer into a weak head."


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: GUEST,Jeremiah McCaw
Date: 01 Mar 04 - 05:29 AM

Heard one fed-up performer say to his tormenter, "Why don't you save your breath for your blow-up date?!"


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: Pied Piper
Date: 01 Mar 04 - 05:44 AM

"If ignorance is bliss, you must be well happy"
"I can't here you, your mouths full of shit"
"I see we have a wit in the audience.
Well, a half wit"


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: ossonflags
Date: 01 Mar 04 - 06:06 AM

One I heard from from Billy Connolly " We've just had an urgent phone call from your village, they are missing an idiot !"


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: kendall
Date: 01 Mar 04 - 07:37 AM

Jud Strunk once said to a heckler, a woman, "Look lady, give me a break, I wouldn't pull the mattress out from under you while you are working." She and her escort left amid cheers.


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: Splott Man
Date: 01 Mar 04 - 07:55 AM

It's always tricky, because you don't want to escalate a fight (it happens!).

If the rest of the audience is with you, I like "It's a night out for him, but a night off for his family"

I once saw a beleaguered Nigel Mazlin-Jones start on a very long and amusing family story about his father and a donkey that died, the long and short of it being that one day it would come back to haunt him - "I think it's here tonight!"
Uproar from the audience, and a bemused heckler who didn't even realise he'd been insulted.


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: GUEST, Hamish
Date: 01 Mar 04 - 08:03 AM

I love banter from and with an audience - at least they'e paying some sort of attention. I try to join in with it, and somehow it all becomes good-natured. Picking a fight isn't too constructive, IMHO.


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: Pete Betts (inactive)
Date: 01 Mar 04 - 08:45 AM

My favourite was from Mike Elliott in N.East England.
He had taken quite a lot of banter from a drunk who probably, thought was adding a dimension to Mike's performance but everyone was sick to death of him.
Mike simply said " D'you know my friend, when God put teeth in your mouth - he ruined a perfectly good arsehole."
Game Set and Match.
Best wishes Mike if you ever look in - or, if someone is close to him please pass my Best Regards.


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: GUEST,Larry K
Date: 01 Mar 04 - 10:22 AM

This may be the funniest line I ever heard.   About 15 years ago I was at a comedy club in New York City.    As often happened in those days, a famous comedian showed up unnannounced.   In this case Eddie Murphy.    He said he was doing Carson the next day, and wanted to try out some new material.   He did about 10 minutes.

After trying out his new material, he said he really didn't have anything prepared.   He asked the audience what they wanted to talk about    A woman in the back yelled Necrophilia.   Murphy looked puzzled and said that he didn't know what Necrophilia was.   Could someone tell him.   The crowd resonded that it was screwing dead people.   Murphy responded that it was really sick and disgusting and wanted to know who said it.   The single woman in the back identified herself.   Murphy told her she was really sick to say something like that and than asked if she was at the club by herself?   He than asked where her boyfriend was.   Someone in the club answered back "he's dead".   

Funnier line than anything Murphy said all night.


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: Mark Ross
Date: 01 Mar 04 - 12:12 PM

"Hey buddy, do I go and bust your sister's red light bulb when she's working?" but you have to be real sure of yourself and where you use it.

Mark Ross


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: GUEST,Les B.
Date: 01 Mar 04 - 01:59 PM

I just saw the documentary "King of Bluegrass: Jimmy Martin" In one scene Jimmy is being heckled and delivers a come back something like, "Hey buddy, let's you and me play horse after the show. I'll be the head and you can be your natural self!"


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: Folkiedave
Date: 01 Mar 04 - 03:35 PM

Billy Connolly again "Last time I saw a mouth like that Lester Piggot was behind it"

And again to a persistent photographer, " The flashes don't bother me, I used to be a welder".

Regards,

Dave
www.collectorsfolk.co.uk


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: Benjamin
Date: 01 Mar 04 - 03:56 PM

A friend of mine was playing a gig with his band at the Pike Place Market in Seattle. The guy who throws fish was shouting out "Play some Sabbath" after every song. Finally my friend said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, the man who throws fish for a living will now sing Iron Man. Lets all help him out." Then the aduience started doodling out the riff to Iron Man, but the man who throws fish was too embarassed to sing.


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: GUEST,JTT
Date: 01 Mar 04 - 05:02 PM

The foreskin joke reminds me of an old one my mother told me - an actual happening in Dublin in the 1930s. There was a HUGE garda who used to direct traffic in a particular spot in the city, Grafton Street, and he loved to stop Jewish motorists and make "jokes" at their expense.

Until the day when he stopped a famous doctor, an ex-rugger-player for Ireland, as it happened, not that this is apposite to the story - just a little atmosphere.

Anyway, the cop motioned for him to roll down the window, which the doc did.

"I've always wondered," the garda says. "When the doctor cuts the bits off the little Jewish boys, what does he do with them all?"

"Well, I'll tell you," said the doc. "He rolls them all up together and makes a huge big garda out of them, and he puts him at the top of Grafton Street directing the traffic."

Apparently that garda never, ever made any snide remark again, to anyone.


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: Jim McLean
Date: 01 Mar 04 - 05:07 PM

Dominic Behan's wife Josephine was arguing with a bloke in a pub. 'The best part of you ran down your mother's leg'!!


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: Fran
Date: 01 Mar 04 - 05:10 PM

Keith Donnelly when someone dropped a beer glass:

"Heavy contact lenses?"


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: Big Jim from Jackson
Date: 01 Mar 04 - 07:23 PM

I'm sooo sorry to hear that your parents never married........


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: kendall
Date: 01 Mar 04 - 08:31 PM

I had a heckler at a bluegrass performance. The sponser asked me to sing a song about a dog, and as I introduced it, this drunk in the front row jumps up and yells "DOG"!, I can spell dog D.O.G...I can spell cat too C.A.T."!! yelling at the top of his lungs. I just sat there looking right at him. Finally, he realized that he was being stared at, he looked at me, and I said "Go ahead, I can't wait for you to get to Chrysanthemum" he left to the cheers and jeers of the crowd. Someone taped that whole thing and sent it to me. It's a keeper.


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 01 Mar 04 - 08:59 PM

Not really an insult, but a few years ago the band I was playing in at the time had a gig in this small crowded bar. After every song this drunk guy fought his way though the crowd and asked me if the song we had played was about Vietnam, so I would respond no it wasn't, and the guy goes back to his seat. This went on all night for EVERY SONG, finally in the third set we did a Dylan song and up he comes and asks me if it was about Vietnam. Just to see what would happen I said yes it was, and he just sat down and waited for the next song. I was amazed, and dissapointed that the reaction was the same regardless of my answer, so the next timewe played there I just gave a random response to the question all night. He seemed happy with that.

Bob


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: GUEST,Boab
Date: 02 Mar 04 - 02:25 AM

Pete Betts---you've mentioned a greatly-liked, much-admired old Friend --Mike Elliot. One of the funniest guys I ever met, in or out of folk clubs. In fact he turned a blind eye to some cheeky "pirating" by his long-ago pal Billy Connoly. What a treat if Mike ever gets involved here! I've known him since "northern Front"--just after the dinosaurs got clobbered by yon comet---
And to add to Jim McLean's contribution of Wee Danny's cracks--and maybe he nicked it from Mike too [!] --one of his heckler put-downs was "Aw, look! --An erse wi' teeth!"


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: Pete Betts (inactive)
Date: 02 Mar 04 - 06:06 AM

Hiya Boab,
Mike Elliott , Ed Pigford and ........and .........I`m terribly ashamed I`ve forgotten the other member of Northern Front.
Please enlighten me if poss.

Not a put down , but on a night when there was a lot of photo`s being taken of him whilst singing (with his eyes shut) - Mike asked " Who keeps lighting all the farts ?"
Happy memories


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: HuwG
Date: 02 Mar 04 - 06:44 AM

Often quoted by Jamie Lucas, Stuart Pearson, Matt Fahey and others I occasionally play with:


"They say applause is like a banquet to a musician. Thanks for the cheese sandwich."


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: The Villan
Date: 02 Mar 04 - 02:34 PM

Some do I went to many years ago. Woman singing, getting a lot of flack from a drunken man. She stopped singing. Jumped off the small stage and walked over to the man and said "if your dick is as big as your mouth, you can have me tonight".
Needless to say he never said a word after that.


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: GUEST,Tunesmith
Date: 02 Mar 04 - 03:32 PM

I saw Tim Hardin ( of "If I were a Carpenter" fame) in Liverpool some 30 years ago. He was great, but he seemed to have the need to explain to the audience - a number of times - that he considered himself to like a jazz musician wherein every performance was- to a great degree - improvised, and if the audience liked the recorded version of his material they would probably be disappointed with his live performance. The show went on until way after 11pm and towards the end people started leaving. On seeing this exodus, Tim complained. " You see,people don't understand what I 'm doing, and they're leaving". One chap on his way out stopped and addressed Tim, " No, Tim " he said, " we're just going for the last buses!". Tim looked at the chap, and said, "Man, this sort of thing happens at matinees! "


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: Deckman
Date: 02 Mar 04 - 04:44 PM

This thread reminded me of a wonderful story I heard about the late Bob Gibson. It supposibly happened in Seattle when Bob was very new to the banjo and performing. Just to get experience, and the occasional free beer, Bob and his brother (Richard??) would walk into taverns in the Wallingford district. The brother would unplug the juke box and Bob would start singing the few songs he know. He usually got considerable flack from the crowd, especially from the fellow that had put his money into the juke box.

Bob told us that ... THAT was where and how he learned to handle hecklers. CHEERS, Bob


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: TheBigPinkLad
Date: 02 Mar 04 - 06:35 PM

Sort of related ... I once was about to walk onto stage at a club in Felling (NE England) when I noticed someone had scribbled on the wall of the dressing room "Tony Bennett died here."


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: GUEST
Date: 02 Mar 04 - 08:27 PM

As an all-purpose response to heckers, etc, what about "You're what Dr. Spooner would call a Shining Wit"?

For the benefit of anyone (eg in the USA) who may not be familiar with Reverend Doctor W.A. (?William Archibald) Spooner, Warden of New College, Oxford, he was apparently the accidental inventor of "spoonerisms" (where the first part of successive or nearby words are transposed, as in the examples following (intended form in brackets):

"It is a lace bible" (base libel)
"The Lord is indeed a shoving leopard" (loving shepherd)
"Ah come in Mr. Smith, I have already detected several prowlers in your hose" (howlers in your prose).
"You have deliberately tasted two whole worms (wasted two whole terms); you have hissed all my mystery lectures (missed all my history lectures) and been caught fighting a liar (lighting a fire) in the quad. You will leave by the next town drain." (down train).

"Let us drink a toast to the queer old Dean" (dear old Queen). This was actually not one of Spooner's, but was spoken by British TV Comic Ronnie Barker when he played Rev. Spooner in a sketch on the long running and extremely popular (and soon to be revived) BBC TV comedy series "The Two Ronnies" (with Scottish comic Ronnie Corbett).

Spoonerisms are not to be confused with malapropisms, but it is too late at night to try and explain the difference - anyone interested can look up the Internet.


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: GUEST,.gargoyle
Date: 02 Mar 04 - 09:49 PM

It doesn't take too long...but before too-long the come-backs come quick.

They are best when they are "off-the-wall" with a double-entendre meaning....one which the audience is quick to pick-up on...and laugh....and the loud-mouth is left stunned....not sure what the audience is laughing at....and fearing it might be them.

Hell, Sorcha if we ALL played convalescent hospitals, police-balls, and elementry schools.....there would be no need for gorilla tactics in the urban jungle.

SINcerely,
Gargoyle


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: Beer
Date: 02 Mar 04 - 10:35 PM

Was in a local bar where this new entertainer was giving his best with the aid of cassettes as a back up. In other words he was singing but had all the back up stuff. This fellow, who had a little to much, stood up and shouted, " Play me another tape will Ya?"


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: GUEST,Boab
Date: 03 Mar 04 - 01:58 AM

Guest---Ronnie Barker's full quote was "Gentlemen! Glaise your asses to the Queer old Dean!" Wonder what Mr Spooner would have made of one of our local pubs on Vancouver Island --"The Fish and Duck". Or the local water ski club title--" The Sproat Lake Fog Duckers". [!!]


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: GUEST,Boab
Date: 03 Mar 04 - 02:05 AM

Pete---sorry, I can't do better than you on the names of Northern Front members. Along time back., eh? Wonder if you can recall Benny "the Whale" Graham, Jim Sharp, Brian Watson, Geordie Hunter, Terry Conway---and all the talents of the "Ranters" --- What a hotbed of traddie folk music the NorthEast was--and is...


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: Chip2447
Date: 03 Mar 04 - 03:25 AM

"It's a simple song, most of you should be able to keep up."

"Hey, it's the poster child for planned parenthood."


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: Pete Betts (inactive)
Date: 03 Mar 04 - 06:14 AM

Hi,Boab,
North East England indeed was and is a hotbed of Folk and writers.
Yes I remember Benny and I occasionally see Jinm Sharp - great and distinctive performers.
If I could refer you to the earlier : TheBigPinkLad 02 Mar 04 - 06:35 PM.
I walked out on to a stage at Heppburn and had the same feeling - the audience was made up entirely of more talented musicians and singers than I was:- the Doonans , Hedgehog Pie etc.jeez what a baptism of fire that was.
Perhaps you/we should start a new thread on N.East singers,
musicians and writers, but,
to stay true to this thread I`m sure Les Barker can claim copyright to the phrase a "Wit of a Banker".
3rd member - was it Nic someone - I`m ashamed I can't
remember , he was a bloody decent bloke an'all.


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: Lancashire Lad
Date: 03 Mar 04 - 06:43 AM

One from the late Hamish Imlach

"If you dont shut up, I'll sit on your lap and fart". Anyone who had the pleasure of seeing Hamish will know how much that would of hurt. He was legendary for his love of curry too.

LL


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: Cluin
Date: 03 Mar 04 - 01:38 PM

"You guys suck!"

"You swallow."

The man with the microphone holds all the trumps.


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: GUEST,Dave S
Date: 04 Mar 04 - 01:22 AM

The third member of The Northern Front was Nick Fenwick


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: matai
Date: 04 Mar 04 - 02:19 AM

Once a friend of mine was performing at a small venue where one particularly drunk guy heckled her. She stopped, looked at him and said 'Now I know why some Mother's eat their young.' He didn't interject again.

Matai


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: GUEST,.gargoyle
Date: 04 Mar 04 - 10:13 PM

New CITY...New JIG...

The same ol' smacks with a flounder side the face...work....they are comfortible at the ol; I,IV,V

A REAL problem occurs when the resident-drunk, friend of the bar-keep, and patron of 30% of the night's receipts...is the heckler.

Keep Peace...and put in place....

As Simon said, "You gotta keep the customer satisfied."

Sincerely<,br> Gargoyle


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: Shimbo Darktree
Date: 04 Mar 04 - 10:55 PM

At our local folk club, regulars are so regular, and heckles are so familiar (repetitive), that one of our performers (I swear I won't mention your name, Anne), circulated a numbered list of comebacks. It is much easier to yell out "Five" than "Shut up Roger!". By the way, Roger is one of this forum's regulars, but wild horses won't make me tell you who! Roger is a professional heckler, and, because it is done without malice, the whole club including the performers (I am one) enjoys the by-play. So, there is a place for it, and I wouldn't do without it for quids!

Shimbo (you're not getting my name either)


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 05 Mar 04 - 02:12 AM

Yeah, Roger is heaps of fun. He doesn't always beat me to it, but I usually wait for his input, as he was the 'house heckler' long before I turned up... :-)

Robin


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: Pete Betts (inactive)
Date: 05 Mar 04 - 06:23 AM

Thankyou Dave S. and many many apologies to Nick (04 Mar 04 - 01:22) AM
.


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: dermod in salisbury
Date: 05 Mar 04 - 08:30 AM

I've heard of a ready wit. Be sure and let us know when yours is ready.

Do you mind standing up, sir. I want to prove I'm not working you with my foot.

I'd hate to be like that in my 40s. The girls would swap me for two 20s.

boom boom


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: Lil Dog Turpy
Date: 05 Mar 04 - 09:10 AM

At a comedy club in montreal, a couple sitting right in the middle of the front row, inches from the stage were having a conversation audible to most in the room about what they thought of the show so far.

The comedian came back with ... "This isn't television you know .....   I can hear you!"


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: GUEST,Jim Knowledge
Date: 05 Mar 04 - 09:42 AM

I `ad that Alex Campbell in my cab once. `e looked well pissed off. I asked `im what`s the matter? `e said `ed just `ad to deal with a `eckler `oo was three sheets to the wind. I asked `im what `e said to `im? `e said the last time `e saw a mouth like that it `ad a ¬ook in it
What am i like?


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Subject: RE: Your Favourite Audience Insult/Comeback?
From: kendall
Date: 06 Mar 04 - 03:59 AM

My friend, Glenn Jenks, who used to work with Jud Strunk (Daisy a Day) once had a heckler. At the break, Glenn asked the bar tender if he could "Put that guy out" Bar man says, "Sure I can."
Before the next set, the barman gave the heckler a water glass half full of whiskey. Within a short time, he was face down on the table.


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