Lyr Req: Handier Household Help

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Handier Household Help
From: GUEST,Smarty Marty AKA the Jabberwock
Date: 24 Aug 14 - 04:20 PM

Noticed the thread from GRAY D, ok, a few years ago, but I heard those words sond in a 'Victorian Music Hall Lament' style -
'The train was standing in he station,
When a young man, full of cares
Rushing down to get aboard it,
Tripped - fell headlong down
                            the
                                 stairs.
An old lady rushed up to him,
Said, 'Did you miss a step, my son?'
                                  (echo..) a step my son....
He smiled at her and said, 'No, lady,
'I hit every ruddy one....'

Equally droll is the little ditty, sung to the tune of 'Lullibulero'

'When the train is in the station,
Please refrain from urination -
Have regard for railway properteeeee,
If you want to pass some water,
Go and ask a Railway Porter,
He will show yo to he lavatreeee.

If the train is stationary
And you want to go quite heavy,
Do not dro your trousers in the train -
From the carriage you must wander
And a penny you must squander,
To relieve yourself with might and main!'

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Handier Household Help
From: GUEST,Smarty Marty - AKA The Jabberwock
Date: 24 Aug 14 - 04:04 PM

Fred, on his record 'Frollics' (where can I get a copy?) introduced the song thus:-
'So, there was this Bristol firm that discovered an amazing new product; it would clean anything from shot silk right through to rusty six-inch armour plate. The only trouble was, they couldn't think of a name for it, so they decided to put it round the works as a sort of a competition, to see if anyone could come up with something.
About half-past-ten that morning, one of the office boys came to the Managing Director's office. 'Yes, what is it lad?' 'Well, sorry to bother you sir, but I think I've come up with a name for he product.' 'Oh Right! OK then lad, trot it out, let's hear it.' 'Well sir, I thought we could call it BUGGER.' 'Oh yes, WHY?' 'Well, it stands for BEST UNIVERSAL GRIT, GRIME AND EFFLUENT REMOVER.' 'Oh I see, errmm, well, I can see you're thinking - like it, like it. However, I don't think that Mrs. Bloggs of Bolton is quite ready for a name like that. Good effort, though. Made a note of your name, lad, keep trying, keep trying.' 'Oh, that's a pity sir, because I thought up a slogan we could use for it...' 'What's that then lad?' 'Well, sir, we could say IF OMO WON'T WHITEN IT, AND DAZ DON'T BRIGHTEN IT - BUGGER IT!!'
His mate came in about twelve-o-clock, and suggested it be called the Finest Universal Cleanser Known.......

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Handy Household Help
From: Mr Happy
Date: 12 Dec 13 - 11:04 AM

Fred Wedlock

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Handy Household Help
From: GUEST
Date: 17 Aug 12 - 06:28 AM

I believe 'Handier Household Help' was written by Derek Craft of the duo '1812'. They were a clever & very funny act that recorded an album at my Amberley club back in the 70s. Also, Diz Dizley, together with Johnny Silvo & Dave Moses performed it at the last night of the club in 1980.

Subject: RE: Lyr R, Handy Household Help
From: Leadfingers
Date: 04 Feb 12 - 10:44 AM

All respect to Fred Wedlock as an Entertainer but he was a bugger for NOT crediting the writers of songs he recorded . Nice to know who DID write H H H

Subject: Lyr Add: HANDIER HOUSEHOLD HELP (from F Wedlock)
From: GUEST,Jonno
Date: 04 Feb 12 - 09:54 AM

HANDIER HOUSEHOLD HELP
As recorded by Fred Wedlock on "The Folker / Frolicks"

For the Handier Household Help, let's have a roll upon the drum.
It's the answer to your problems; it will solve them every one.
It's universally popular in colleges and homes
For removing excess pubic hair and mending concrete gnomes.
You can stick it down your toilet; you can bung it on your halls.
You can buy it in pint canisters for spreading on your—banisters.

CHORUS: It's only six and fourpence from your local hardware store.
It's a Handier Household Help than you have ever had before.

Now Mr Jones went fishing to try and catch some trout,
But though he stood for hours and hours, it seemed his luck was out.
He tried some Handier Household Help and quickly changed the scene.
He caught mermaids, the Titanic and a nuclear submarine.
It removes the stains from carpets and the blemishes from glass,
Keeps your radio free from static, and will fumigate your—attic. CHORUS

Miss Brown was most depressed because she didn't have much figure.
She smeared her bust with Household Help to try and make it bigger.
The smell sent Miss Brown's boss berserk as she sat on his knee.
Now Miss Brown's figure's bigger where it did not ought to be.
It will insulate your kitchen if you spread it nice and thick.
It will grant your fondest wishes and get egg-stains off your—dishes. CHORUS

Mrs Smith complained to us her sheets was always grey.
We recommended Household Help to take the stains away.
She dropped some in her husband's beer about a month ago.
Now Mrs Smith's a widow, but her sheets is white as snow.
And it reproduces pictures upside down or back to front.
It will clean the streets of Dunstable, or renovate a—constable. CHORUS

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Handy Household Help
From: GUEST
Date: 14 Mar 04 - 06:07 AM

The song is called the Handier Household Help, and is by Derek Craft; I too have the LP by Fred Wedlock on which it occurs. There are a few minor differences from the long version posted above, though the only one that matters slightly is that Miss Jones becomes Miss Brown.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Handy Household Help
From: pavane
Date: 11 Mar 04 - 12:51 PM

Thanks Harvey

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Handy Household Help
From: harvey andrews
Date: 11 Mar 04 - 11:32 AM

The song was written by Derek Craft in about 1964. Derek was in the duo "1812" with Geoff Bodenham. he played flute, Geoff played guitar. They were very popular in the British folk clubs, particularly in the Midlands in the 60's through to the 80's. Their piece de resistance was the "1812 Overture" with lyrics like the above(!)played on flute and guitar and starting pistol.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Handy Household Help
From: pavane
Date: 11 Mar 04 - 06:03 AM

Sorry Stewie, I am definitly grateful. As I said, I have misplaced the tape and could not remember the words. Just that a few were different.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Handy Household Help
From: Stewie
Date: 11 Mar 04 - 03:46 AM

Well, you could at least be a bit grateful that I took the time to transcribe it in answer to your request. It scanned okay as Phil sang it.

--Stewie (Slightly pissed off).

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Handy Household Help
From: pavane
Date: 11 Mar 04 - 02:42 AM

I have it on a cassette tape somewhere from 1972, a live performance by Disley, but I can't find it at the moment. The words were slightly different in places, and scanned a bit better than the version given here, e.g. Keeps your TV free from static

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Handy Household Help
From: Gray D
Date: 10 Mar 04 - 08:07 PM

Oh, and if you decide to perform it you need to pause on the first letter of the last word on the second line of each verse to get that roguish music hall effect.

Gray D

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Handy Household Help
From: Gray D
Date: 10 Mar 04 - 07:59 PM

The track "Handier Household Help" appeared on the Fred Wedlock album "Fred Wedlock's Greatest Hits", complete with the introduction related by Stewie, released in 1977. The label was the relatively unknown "Pillock Produkshuns" (I promise you I'm not making this up, I'm looking at the label as I type) and the record number is, or was, PPS17.

The album also contains a live version of "Talking Folk Club Blues", describing the travails of visiting Bristol Folk Club which, among numerous others, contains the immortal lines . . .


Well it was so dark an' dim in there,

I went a purler down the stairs

A bloke said,"Miss a step then, son?"

I said,"No. I hit every bloody one"

Gray D

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Handy Household Help
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 10 Mar 04 - 07:28 PM

Back in the 40's the wonder product was Fug. "If Duz won't do it, and Rinso won't rinse it, then Fug it"

Subject: Lyr Add: HANDIER HOUSEHOLD HELP (from Phil Beck)
From: Stewie
Date: 10 Mar 04 - 06:15 PM

My mate Phil Beck from Perth (Oz) sings this. Below is from a recording made at a house concert. The third line of the fifth stanza is my attempt to decipher his mumble when he forgot the words - but it's something like that. Phil thinks the song came from Fred Wedlock.

Phil's intro is along the lines that the cleaner was originally going to be called Bugger - the Best Universal Grit, Grime and Effluent Remover - with an advertising slogan of 'If Omo won't brighten it or Daz won't whiten it, bugger it'. However, it was thought this would not go down a storm with the blue rinse set. Someone else suggested that it be called the Finest Universal Cleanser Known but, for some reason, that was thought to be even worse.

THE HANDIER HOUSEHOLD HELP
(Fred Wedlock?)

For the Handier Household Help, let's hear a roll upon the drum.
It's the answer to your problems. It will solve them every one.
It's universally popular in colleges and homes
For removing excess pubic hair and mending concrete gnomes.
And you can bung it down the toilet. You can spread it down your halls.
You can buy it in pint canisters for putting on your banisters.

CHORUS: It's only six and fourpence from your local hardware store.
It's a handier household help than you have ever had before.

Now Mr Brown went fishing for to try and catch a trout,
But though he stood for hours and hours, it seemed his luck was out.
He tried some Handier Household Help. He quickly changed the scene.
He caught mermaids, the Titanic and a nuclear submarine.
And it removes the stains from carpet, the blemishes from glass,
Keeps your radio free from static. It will fumigate your attic. CHORUS

Now Miss Brown was most impressed 'cos she didn't have much figure.
She rubbed her bust with Household Help to try to make it bigger.
[The bust drove Miss Brown's boss berserk as she sat on his knee.]
Now her figure's getting bigger where it didn't ought to be.
And it will insulate your kitchen if you spread it nice and thick.
It will grant your fondest wishes and get egg-stains off your dishes. CHORUS

Now Mrs Jones complained to us her sheets was always grey.
We recommended Household Help to drive the stains away.
She dropped some in her husband's beer about a week ago.
Now poor Mrs Jones is a widow, but her sheets are white as snow.
And it will reproduce a picture upside down or back to front.
It will clean the streets of Dunstable or renovate a constable. CHORUS

--Stewie.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Handy Household Help
From: pavane
Date: 10 Mar 04 - 07:52 AM

Also, does anyone know its origins?

Subject: Lyr Req: Handy Household Help
From: pavane
Date: 10 Mar 04 - 07:52 AM

This comic song doesn't seem to be present in the DT or threads, although one verse is quoted in a thread on WD40, and the name is mentioned in a Lily the Pink thread:

I first heard it c1972 sung by Diz Disley, and it has been recorded (on Chips off the old block 2) by Sheb Wooley.

The only bit I recall from Disley's performance was :

For the Handy Household Help, let's hear a roll upon the drum
It's the answer to your problems, it will solve them everyone
It's universally popular in gardens and in homes
For getting rid of pubic hair and mending concrete gnomes

The verse from another thread is:

You can stick it down the toilet You can bung it on the walls
It comes in half pint cannisters For spraying on your bannisters
It's only two and sixpence from your local hardware store
It's a handier household help than you have ever had before.


Does anyone have any more verses?
There is one in which

It can clean the streets of Dunstable or renovate a Constable