BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: GUEST,Gypsy
Date: 23 Apr 04 - 04:37 PM

This is a long thread...has no one got to the bottom of it yet!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: Ellenpoly
Date: 23 Apr 04 - 04:11 AM

LOL 'Giok'!!!!!..xx...e

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 22 Apr 04 - 01:21 PM

Arse and thou shalt receive.
John

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: Schantieman
Date: 22 Apr 04 - 10:56 AM

The son of a friend of mine is a colo-rectal surgeon. Having reached the heights of being a consultant now, he doesn't have to look up people's bottoms, but has minions to do the ...erm... dirty work for him. My then 10-year old ex-step-daughter (work that one out!) heard about this, and asked him, "Are you a bum-doctor?" to which he replied, "No - I'm a very good doctor!"

Steve

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 22 Apr 04 - 10:55 AM

This thread nearly went down the toilet!!! Pushed from the bottom!!

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 21 Apr 04 - 02:54 PM

I like Emma Freud
John

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 21 Apr 04 - 07:50 AM

who said this was a bum thread...nothing to do with threads......If you have any more comments on Haemmoroids, please sit on them.

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 21 Apr 04 - 03:39 AM

she did, her humour was refreshing

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: GUEST
Date: 20 Apr 04 - 11:21 PM

freda - I thought you were going to refresh the thread?

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: GUEST,freda
Date: 20 Apr 04 - 10:49 PM

..Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading "Dr Cohen and Dr Levy, Psychiatry & Proctology".

The town's fathers were not too happy with that sign, so the doctors changed it to "Hysterias & Posteriors".

This was not acceptable either, so they changed the sign to "Schizoids & Haemorrhoids". No go, so they tried "Catatonics & High Colonics."

Thumbs down again, so they tried "Manic-depressives & Anal-retentives." Still not good, so they tried "Minds & Behinds." Unacceptable again, so they tried "Lost Souls & Ass-holes". Still no go. Nor did "Analysis & Anal Cysts", "Queers & Rears", "Nuts & Butts", "Freaks & Cheeks" or "Loons &
Moons" work either.

So they finally settled on "Dr Cohen and Dr Levy, Odds & Ends".

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: JennieG
Date: 20 Apr 04 - 10:28 PM

Childbirth can also be a cause - it's not just the baby you're pushing, you know!
Cheers
JennieG...who has painful memories of said childbirth many years ago.....

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: Little Hawk
Date: 20 Apr 04 - 05:55 PM

Vladimir the Inhaler never ran for elected office, and has never even nominated by any major party.

Can you guess why?

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: GUEST,Noddy
Date: 20 Apr 04 - 07:34 AM

RUN.BEFORE THEY CATCH YOU!

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: freda underhill
Date: 20 Apr 04 - 04:55 AM

this is taking true confessions to a new level. Ellen's being diplomatic - it was really Vladimir that solved her problems...

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: Ellenpoly
Date: 20 Apr 04 - 04:44 AM

Okay friends, time to fess up. I do believe I'm the source from which freda so kindly gleaned there may be reason to have started such a thread. Yes, I admit to having had recently a dreadful case of haemorrhoids which I have now gotten over. I didn't use freda's remedy as she said it would only work before the fact.

And yes, I eat plenty of roughage, fresh fruit and veg, morning porrage, drink water, etc etc. But I've still had them for years, and the reason for the flare-up was because I became impatient one morning, and just pushed too hard!!!

After a week of staying off my butt (reclining on the couch with this laptop perched on my lap) I am happy to say all is well. I did use preparation H to just keep me nice and comfy down there, but the real healer was time and staying off my damn backside.

Lesson learned...patience is all...thanks freda, and now you can go back to the jokes which were funny enough to take my mind off my ass..xx..e

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: freda underhill
Date: 20 Apr 04 - 04:43 AM

no, GS, Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain, is a mudcat character.. I'll refresh his thread!

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 20 Apr 04 - 04:34 AM

Freda do you mean Vlad the impaler...bit of a difference between inhaling and impaling..especially where haemmaroids are concerned eh?? Best wishes

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: freda underhill
Date: 20 Apr 04 - 03:09 AM

another solution for haemorrhoids could be calling in Vladimir the Inhaler - he could be delighted to assist!

there may need to be some sort of bodyguard/restrainer present to ensure that he doesn't go too far (hors d'oeveres only, not the full feast) - I hear he's raoming around the UK right now...

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 20 Apr 04 - 03:03 AM

When I had my tattoo done....I had to use preparation H for some following days...I believe that my next tattoo will be of a Haemmaroid..it might make using Preparation H seem worthwhile.

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: Little Hawk
Date: 19 Apr 04 - 05:28 PM

It can be downright terrifying to unexpectedly encounter a rogue hemorrhoid lurking in a dark alley! To deal with these sort of unpleasant situations, carry a really big gun like Schwarzenneger does in those action movies. When the hemorrhoid makes its move, blast it into eternity!!!

Dogs sometimes actually DO try to run away from a pain in the posterior regions. They will also try to run away from a bad itch. This can be very, very funny to observe, but it's not so funny from the dog's point of view.

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 19 Apr 04 - 05:23 PM

No-one seems to want to use this thread anymore...Has it become a pain in the a..e

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Apr 04 - 01:59 PM

Just the pushy types....

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 19 Apr 04 - 01:53 PM

No it has not disappeared as a few are still hanging out....if you pardon the expression...

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 19 Apr 04 - 11:43 AM

I thought this thread had disappeared off the bottom!
John

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: George Papavgeris
Date: 19 Apr 04 - 11:23 AM

The only foolproof method I know:
a) Train daily for 3 months at short distance running. Try to achieve at least 11.3 secs for the 50 meter dash.
b) For the same period, eat plenty of hard boiled eggs, rice and other "binding" foodstuff. Avoid prunes, grapes, fibre and greens.
c) On a pre-appointed day that will be your Piles Liberation Day, take off your lower garments, all of them. Get ready, set, and start running like the clappers. Being "bound", the contents of your stomach/intenstines should be safe, but with luck you might leave your haemorrhoids behind.

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 19 Apr 04 - 11:23 AM

If you haven't got them yourself - just stay away from other peoples bums.

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 18 Apr 04 - 12:53 PM

Someone told me to take some suppositories for piles. Swallowed them whole for a week. For all the good they did I might as well as shoved them up my arse...

Cheers

DtG

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: Peace
Date: 17 Apr 04 - 06:07 PM

Be very careful who you vote for.

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: GUEST,georgiansilver
Date: 17 Apr 04 - 11:24 AM

Please bear in mind that good circulation always helps with any type of varicose vein...suggest plenty of exercise and not too much of the sitting around waiting for them to happen.

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: GUEST,Boab
Date: 17 Apr 04 - 03:21 AM

Eat all your porridge, Kids!

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 17 Apr 04 - 12:26 AM

Watch out for taking anti-depresants - they can supress bowel function, and then if you stop the results can be painful...

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: freda underhill
Date: 16 Apr 04 - 10:01 PM

well steve, hopefully these two posts are the beginning and end of all our concerns.

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: steve in ottawa
Date: 16 Apr 04 - 09:49 PM

Avoid hard, cold seats; I think I got some/one twice when using unpadded wooden seats at my computer (and at the time, I had much less built-in padding too.) Also: get up, stretch and get your blood flowing once in a while. Alcohol ain't too good either.

If you're really averse to sitting but embarrassed about why, tell everyone your back is out and insist on a standing desk; I knew someone who'd knocked her back out and stood at a podium/desk for six months; reminded me of Hemmingway, who I expect had other reasons for standing while writing.

Thanks Freda, for this thread. Chronic throat problems here, and I'm going to try more vitamin C and rutin. None of the LPR sites on diet bother to mention what is GOOD for you, just what you should avoid.

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: freda underhill
Date: 16 Apr 04 - 07:46 PM

what did George Bush's proctologist specialise in at med school?   brain surgery...

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: Mr Red
Date: 16 Apr 04 - 06:57 PM

Supository or super story - the choice is yours.

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: Bardford
Date: 16 Apr 04 - 06:23 PM

What's that Moody Blues line?-
"Face trials of piles with smiles..."

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 16 Apr 04 - 05:15 PM

Easy -
Bet your ass on the coming election.
Lose.

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: Amos
Date: 16 Apr 04 - 03:25 PM

Sorry, thought this was another thread about the current adminsitration in Washington.... *BG*

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: Chief Chaos
Date: 16 Apr 04 - 03:19 PM

Sorry, thought this was another thread about Guest postings. *BG*

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: GUEST,georgiansilver
Date: 16 Apr 04 - 02:20 PM

Yes BigPinkLad, I did as the doc said and tried them in my back passage, they didn't work so I tried them in the kitchen, the front room, bedroom....still no good..I might as well have shoved them.......

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: TheBigPinkLad
Date: 16 Apr 04 - 02:16 PM

Suppositories don't work. I might just as well have shoved them up my arse.

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: Don Firth
Date: 16 Apr 04 - 01:51 PM

History that doesn't make the history books:

Back in the days when George W. Bush was trying to figure out what he wanted to do with his life (after having been bailed out a couple of times from going broke with such incisive business decisions as trading Sammy Sosa when he owned the Texas Rangers), he took a tour of a pharmaceuticals plant. While walking along a catwalk over a big vat of Preparation H, he slipped and fell in.

He used to be a whole lot taller than he is now. In fact, if they hadn't fished him out very quickly, he would have disappeared entirely.

Win a few, lose a few. . . .

Don Firth

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 16 Apr 04 - 01:03 PM

If you visit the Spring Garden Thread you'll find a suggestion for "Jewel Weed" to treat poison ivy. A search on this interesting plant reveals that it is a treatment for a number of things, including hemorrhoids.

Geez. That took several trys--the word is as bad as trying to spell diarrhea.

SRS

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: GUEST,georgiansilver
Date: 16 Apr 04 - 12:43 PM

Yes but care is needed when swallowing razor blades...I knew a woman who swallowed just one...she gave herself a tonsilectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, castrated her husband and gave the milkman a hare lip. Oh yes...and she still has haemmoroids

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: Sttaw Legend
Date: 16 Apr 04 - 11:10 AM

Allegedly razor blades taken internally or used externally remove them effectively.

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: freda underhill
Date: 16 Apr 04 - 11:03 AM

LH, you got it.

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 16 Apr 04 - 11:00 AM

Amos, I'm not sure I understood. Did you say citrus bioflavonoids are good for you?

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: Amos
Date: 16 Apr 04 - 10:45 AM

Rutin is a Citrus Bioflavonoid - a natural substance found in plants, fruits, vegetables, nuts, bark, and buckwheat. Citrus Bioflavonoids help protect capillaries, prevent bruising, and intensify the effect of vitamin C in the body. In fact, Bioflavonoids are essential for total vitamin C effectiveness. Citrus Bioflavonoids provide natural antiviral, anti-inflammatory and anti-allergy properties. In addition, certain bioflavonoids are beneficial for fighting infections, free radical damage, viruses, and common colds. Bioflavonoids have also been used to help alleviate symptoms related to allergies and respiratory conditions. Citrus Bioflavonoids are sometimes considered vitamins because they possess the properties of a vitamin, and are sometimes referred to as vitamin P. They are found in several forms, including hesperidin, eriodictyl, quercetin, rutin, and hesperitin. They cannot be produced by the body, and therefore have to be taken as dietary supplements. Typical sources for Bioflavonoids also include the natural substances found in the peels of citrus fruits, peppers, and black currants. Other sources include apricots, cherries, grape fruit, grapes, lemons, oranges, prunes, rose hips. Herbs that contain naturally-occurring bioflavonoids include Chervil, Elderberry, Hawthorne Berry, Horsetail, Rose Hips, and Shepherd's Purse. The bioflavonoid Quercetin is typically available in capsule form as a supplement by itself. Rutin, commonly used in vitamin C supplements to boost its effectiveness, is derived from the buckwheat plant, and provides a non-acidic source of vitamin C. Daily use of Citrus Bioflavonoids can be helpful to those suffering from bruising, varicose veins, spider veins, arthritis, hemorrhage, phlebitis, high cholesterol levels, herpes, cataracts, general inflammation, bleeding gums, blood clots, scurvy, hemorrhoids, edema, and hypertension. Anyone taking Citrus Bioflavonoids is encouraged to also supplement their diet with up to 2,500 mg. of vitamin C to significantly increase their effectiveness in healing actions.

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: Little Hawk
Date: 16 Apr 04 - 10:34 AM

Huh? Spaw, why would you approve your own message?

I say we should just put this kind of thing behind us, and discuss more appealing things, like Shatner's pectorals or something...

Well, on the other hand...

You can also help avoid hemorrhoids by drinking lots of water, because that helps you avoid becoming constipated, and constipation is a key factor in causing those painful little thingies in the first place. Another thing you can do is eat more fruits and vegetables and less sugary stuff and starches, which again will help you avoid constipation.

Most people drink way too little water and eat way too much sugar and starch. Soft drinks are no good substitute for water. Most herbal teas are better for you than normal tea.

Rutin? Sounds good, freda.

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: wysiwyg
Date: 16 Apr 04 - 10:09 AM

Can't avoid 'em, no escape-- they're always just behind me!

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Apr 04 - 09:20 AM

Reading causes crime and hemorrhoids.

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: catspaw49
Date: 16 Apr 04 - 09:19 AM

I recommend farting at will and dropping a load when the urge strikes you, even in your neighbor's yard. Be less anal. I also would suggest avoiding zealots, politicians, and other humorless people. Then again, you could be genetically prone to the problem. Chances are that if your family is a pain in the ass, you are too.

Spaw

I'm catspaw49, and I have approved this message.

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 16 Apr 04 - 08:54 AM

Well since we're down here already I can't lower the tone much, so I'll tell you about my friend who had them surgically removed. She had me in absolute fits of laughter when describing the row of cones in increasing sizes that she was required to insert sequentially into the arseforesaid orofice. This is apparently in order to prevent the patient from becoming a 'tight ass'
I'll leave you all to think about that!
John

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: Amos
Date: 16 Apr 04 - 08:06 AM

I suppose that';s to push them back in...??


A

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: weerover
Date: 16 Apr 04 - 07:14 AM

A tennis ball???

wr.

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: GUEST
Date: 16 Apr 04 - 06:52 AM

Be very clean. Eat lots of fiber. Sit on a tennis ball.

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 16 Apr 04 - 06:48 AM

All I have to say is ' Preparation H '
eric

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: freda underhill
Date: 16 Apr 04 - 06:13 AM

thanks Jock, you get the award for responding!

Subject: RE: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 16 Apr 04 - 04:47 AM

Well Freda, I suppose that's the opposite of 'in your face', but if we can discuss GWB on here, then I'm sure that piles is an ass-ociated subject, seeing as he is such a pain in the backside.
John

Subject: BS: Haemorrhoids and how to avoid them
From: freda underhill
Date: 16 Apr 04 - 02:00 AM

Or, how I have lived a haemorrhoid free life.

yes, the time has come to share all. this came up in a chat room a couple of weeks ago, and it seems selfish not to share it. so in the interests of helping some catters have a haemorrhoid free life, read on if you dare..

I went to a doctor 20 years ago with the first flare up of a potential haemorrhoid. she told me to take a vitamin supplement called Rutin - its something which helps the body absorb and utilise Vitamin C. It is good for healing wounds, bruises, scratches, scrapes and.. for preventing the formation of haemorrhoids. and it worked. totally obliterated the thing.

Do you already have major established ones? too late. But if you're one the way, or only have one, take Rutin whenever it flares up. it'll be gone, and you'll be dancing!

sorry

freda