BS: Bush Jokes: Prairie Home Companion

Subject: BS: Bush Jokes Praire Home Companion
From: Cruiser
Date: 24 Apr 04 - 12:03 PM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'

---

"Surgeon General, what are the results of my Brain scan?"
"Mr. President, your brain has a left side and a right side."
"Well, everyone has two side to their brain, don't they?"
"Yes, but in your brain, on the left side there isn't anything right, and on the right side there isn't anything left."

George W. Bush in the White House is like a turtle on a post. "You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help him get down."

There was a contentious staff meeting at the White House about the health of Dick Cheney. Bush interrupted and said, "Men do not have anginas." He was upset because someone had said Cheney had acute angina.

What were the best three years of George Bush's life?
Grade 5

Did you know the U.S. has already converted to the metric system?
We have a ½ liter in charge of the country.

Pentagon officials now believe they have found Osama Bin Laden because he has found a place in which to hide where you can buy your way in no one will remember you were there, and you have no obligations: the Texas Air National Guard

Mrs. Bush is opposed to same-sex marriage. She's been trying to get George to do something different for years.

NPR Prairie Home Companion Jokes 4/17/04

Subject: RE: BS: Bush Jokes: Praire Home Companion
From: BanjoRay
Date: 24 Apr 04 - 12:52 PM

Those jokes are so pathetic Dubya could have written them.
Ray

Subject: RE: BS: Bush Jokes: Praire Home Companion
From: katlaughing
Date: 24 Apr 04 - 01:25 PM

LMAOWROTF!! Thanks, Cruiser!

Subject: RE: BS: Bush Jokes: Praire Home Companion
From: Mudlark
Date: 24 Apr 04 - 01:30 PM

Thanks for the laughs, Cruiser. Like Molly Ivens says, "If you're not having fun (while being politically active), you're doing something wrong!"

Subject: RE: BS: Bush Jokes: Praire Home Companion
From: Cruiser
Date: 24 Apr 04 - 03:08 PM

In politics, it is often that you must laugh to prevent anger. There are some other good non-Bush jokes (blond jokes) on that link above. The Kerry jokes there are not very good, but will get better if he is EVER elected.

Prairie Home Companion does not discriminate; they joke about all of our problems, ethnicities, and flaws.

Subject: RE: BS: Bush Jokes: Praire Home Companion
From: Bill Hahn//\\
Date: 24 Apr 04 - 06:28 PM

That was the "annual joke show"---not as good as some of the past ones but, none the less still good.   SO---one of them---Blonde driving from East to West Coast for a movie audition. Took her over 2 months. Every time she stopped for gas there was a sign--Clean Rest Rooms. SO she did.

Actually a much more clever Bush joke was in the NY Times---I think by Maureen Dowd---when Bush and Cheney testify in private before the 9/ll committee will we see Cheney drink water while Bush speaks--and you won't need 2 chairs.

Sad but true.


Bill Hahn

Subject: RE: BS: Bush Jokes: Praire Home Companion
From: freda underhill
Date: 24 Apr 04 - 07:23 PM

An Israeli doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says "That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

A Russian doctor says "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says "You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House for four years, and now half the country is looking for work."

..............

One day God was hanging out at the Pearly Gates with St. Paul.

"I need to find someone to run for president," he said after a while.

Attentive to his boss' needs, St. Paul started naming off a few qualified candidates.

"Nah, I want that guy," he said pointing to a drunken Texas governor pissing off a balcony.

"You've got to be kidding," said St. Paul, "Not only is he dumber than a box of rocks, he's got drinking and drug problems."

"I don't care," said God, "This is the guy."

Perplexed, St. Paul asked: "What is the problem, Lord, art thou angry with the Americans?"

"No," said God, "I made a bet with the Devil that I could get a village idiot to run for president."

"But won't that work in the Devil's favor, oh Lord?" Paul asked.

"That's all right," said God, "he'll never take Florida."

.........

Subject: Lyr Add: THE KENNEBUNKPORT HILLBILLY
From: freda underhill
Date: 24 Apr 04 - 07:26 PM

THE KENNEBUNKPORT HILLBILLY
Sung to the tune of "The Beverly Hillbillies" theme

Come and listen to my story 'bout a boy named Bush.
His IQ was zero and his head was up his tush.
He drank like a fish while he drove all about,
But that didn't matter 'cuz his daddy bailed him out.
DUI, that is. Criminal record. Cover-up.

Well, the first thing you know, little Georgie goes to Yale.
He can't spell his name but they never let him fail.
He spends all his time hangin' out with student folk,
And that's when he learns how to snort a line of coke.
Blow, that is. White gold. Nose candy.

The next thing you know there's a war in Vietnam.
Kin folks say, "George, stay at home with Mom.
Let the common people get maimed and scarred.
We'll buy you a spot in the Texas Air Guard."
Cushy, that is. Country clubs. Nose candy.

Twenty years later, George gets a little bored.
He trades in the booze, says that Jesus is his Lord.
He said, "Now the White House is the place I wanna be."
So he called his daddy's friends and they called the GOP.
Gun owners, that is. Falwell. Jesse Helms.

Come November 7, the election ran late.
Kin folks said, "Jeb, give the boy your state!
Don't let those colored folks get into the polls."
So they put up barricades so they couldn't punch their holes.
Chads, that is. Duval County. Miami-Dade.

Before the votes were counted, five Supremes stepped in,
Told all the voters, "Hey, we want George to win.
Stop counting votes!" was their solemn invocation,
And that's how George finally got his coronation.
Rigged, that is. Illegitimate. No moral authority.

Y'all come vote now, ya hear?

...........

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Bush appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him. A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Mrs. Bush appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Bush country!" "Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"

...

and the source?          //politicalhumor.about.com/

Subject: RE: BS: Bush Jokes: Praire Home Companion
From: Cruiser
Date: 24 Apr 04 - 08:03 PM

Funny song...good lyrics.

Thanks for the link freda.

Here is a blue clicky:


Political Humor

Subject: RE: BS: More Bush Jokes: Praire Home Companion
From: freda underhill
Date: 24 Apr 04 - 08:15 PM

"Two big announcements coming out of Washington DC. The tour of duty for 20,000 troops in Iraq may be extended. That's too bad. And the other announcement, the tour of duty for President Bush may not be extended." —David Letterman
"We ought to thank President Bush. He made it a lot easier for people to do taxes this year. No job, no income tax this year." —Jay Leno

"President Bush earned $400,000 for his job as president last year. That's not really that much for being president when you think about it. But President Bush, he doesn't do it for the money, he does it for the eight months of vacation every year." —Jay Leno

"The other night, President Bush's press conference was pre-empted by 'American Idol.' You know the difference between President Bush and 'American Idol?' See, on 'American Idol,' the one with the most votes wins." —Jay Leno

"I saw the president on TV. I think he's only had three press conferences during prime time. I though he looked calm. I thought he looked confident. I thought he looked focused. That's right, he was drinking again." —David Letterman

"It was a tough press conference for President Bush. He spent the first ten minutes trying to pronounce Fallujah. ... Bush insisted that Iraq is not Vietnam. Of course not, he avoided Vietnam." —David Letterman

"In his press conference last night, President Bush said he could not remember a single mistake he had made in the last two years. The president's exact quote was: 'I ain't make none mistakes ever.'" —Conan O'Brien

Subject: RE: BS: still more Bush Jokes: Praire Home Comp
From: freda underhill
Date: 24 Apr 04 - 08:18 PM

"Last night, President Bush gave a prime-time press conference. It was such a big deal that Fox decided to preempt American Idol. Which made sense to me, you don't want too many amateurs on in one night." —David Letterman

"CIA Director George Tenet has now testified before the 9/11 commission and he said we are still making the same dumb mistakes, like leaving memos on the President's desk." —David Letterman

"President Bush released his tax returns yesterday. He listed the economy as a liability. He gets to write that off." —Jay Leno
"Earlier today, the White House released President Bush's tax return. Not surprisingly, under dependents, the president listed Iraq." —Conan O'Brien

"President Bush insisted that there was nothing in the August 6th, 2001 briefing, which was titled 'Bin Laden determined to attack the United States', that hinted what bin Laden was up to. Bush says that he would have moved mountains to stop the attack. Yeah, but he draws the line at reading a memo." —David Letterman

"In response to a request by the 9/11 commission the White House agreed to declassify the president's daily intelligence briefing from August 6th titled 'Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States.' The commission also wants to see the August 20th briefing, 'No Seriously Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States' and also from August 26th, 'Mr. President, Please Put Down the Game Boy, Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States.'" —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

Subject: RE: BS: Bush Jokes: Praire Home Companion
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 24 Apr 04 - 10:40 PM

Cheney Wows Sept. 11 Commission By Drinking Glass Of Water While Bush Speaks

--headline from The Onion

Subject: RE: BS: Bush Jokes: Praire Home Companion
From: GUEST,Tom Coatsworth Jr.
Date: 01 May 04 - 10:25 PM

Two women and a baby are ushered into the oval office. One woman is Israili; the other Palestinian. Both claim to be the mother of the child. Colin Powel explains to the President that their arguement has been fought at every level until now, they've decided to ask the world's most powerful man. The Pres smirks "Piece of cake. I'll just cut the kid in two and give you each half". The Israili women shakes her head gravely, no. But the Palestinian woman really goes nuts with grief, crying and screaming, 'don't hurt my child'. The Pres cuts the kid in two anyway. The Palestinian woman faints, the Israili woman throws up. Powel steps in. "Mr President, coudn't you see by her emotion that the Palestinian woman was clearly the real mother? "Shoot" says Bush. Thanks for pointing that out. I thought she was Italian." And he give the two halves of the baby to the Israili woman.

Subject: RE: BS: Bush Jokes: Praire Home Companion
From: LadyJean
Date: 01 May 04 - 10:46 PM

In January, being snowed in, and suffering from writer's block, I wrote a musical wherein the Bush twins capture Osama bin Laden. It includes a song called "Working U.S.A." which covers cover's Bush's economic policies. I am NOT going to wish the whole musical on the mudcat, just one verse of one song.

When Rich people pay less taxes, they buy wide screen TVs.
Which are made over in Tokyo, by all those Japanese.
Then they drive off in their hummers, to buy some DVDs, in stores run by Americans, who eat Velveeta cheese.
(The tune is surfing U.S.A.)

Subject: RE: BS: Bush Jokes: Praire Home Companion
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 02 May 04 - 12:23 PM

Cheyney said to his man
    Fight, man, fight
Cheyney said to his man
    Who's the fool, now?
Cheyney said to his man
Iraq's closer than Afghanistan
We'll go invade them now
   Bring them all on!