BS: Things to do with a cucumber.!?

Subject: RE: BS: Things to do with a cucumber.!?
From: GUEST,Richard
Date: 23 May 04 - 06:04 PM

How about use them in a really good salad??

Subject: RE: BS: Things to do with a cucumber.!?
From: Sam L
Date: 22 May 04 - 05:30 PM

or draw faces on them, tuck them into bed, and read them some of Hawthorne's lesser known short-stories and sketches, like The Old Apple Vendor, or, if they're not too sleepy, Wakefield.

Subject: RE: BS: Things to do with a cucumber.!?
From: freda underhill
Date: 21 May 04 - 08:05 PM

LoL Mr Miller!

Subject: RE: BS: Things to do with a cucumber.!?
From: Sam L
Date: 21 May 04 - 03:11 PM

Or you can recite Shakespeare in a theatrical voice--Brave warriors, Clifford and Cucumberland... etc.

Subject: RE: BS: Things to do with a cucumber.!?
From: freda underhill
Date: 21 May 04 - 10:36 AM

In Manicheanism--a religion born in Babylon in the 3rd century that sought the release of Light (good) from the Darkness (evil) of matter--cucumbers and melons were thought to contain very high concentrations of Light, and the holy, abstemious Elect of the religion had the power to release this Light by eating them and belching out their Light particles.

Subject: RE: BS: Things to do with a cucumber.!?
From: freda underhill
Date: 21 May 04 - 10:32 AM

Here is a wonderful poem by Nazim Hikmet, 20th century Turkish poet, banned in his own country for 30 years, freezing in Moscow at the end of his life:

The Cucumber

The snow is knee-deep in the courtyard
and still coming down hard:
it hasn't let up all morning.
We're in the kitchen.
On the table, on the oilcloth, spring--
on the table, there's a very tender young cucumber,
pebbly and fresh as a daisy.
We sit around the table staring at it.
It softly lights up our faces
and the very air smells fresh.
We sit around the table staring at it
--amazed...thoughtful...optimistic--
as if in a dream.
On the table, on the oilcloth, hope--
on the table, beautiful days,
a cloud seeded with a green sun,
an emerald crowd impatient and on its way,
loves blooming openly--
on the table, there on the oilcloth, a very tender young cucumber,
pebbly and fresh as a daisy.
The snow is knee-deep in the courtyard
and coming down hard.
It hasn't let up all morning.

(March 1960; translated by Randy Blasing and Mutlu Konuk)

Subject: RE: BS: Things to do with a cucumber.!?
From: Sam L
Date: 05 May 04 - 03:42 PM

kept 2 babies for a friend yesterday, and little Marta is a hair-puller--got a good fistful of my boy's hair. So to tease her I leaned my buzzed-short head over and said See if you can pull my hair. She slapped me.

Dianavan, I kept Sebastian for a few weeks so my sister-in-law could go to Italy with her husband. I'm not sure it was a good idea, all around, but it did make me laugh to hear that intimacy hadn't been good for them lately. I laughed for about twenty minutes. And this happened to be right beside the camp Loucon trip and my daughter's 10th birthday. Stressn'fest. Hell is other parents. Nice of people to sympathize with my whining about it.

Subject: RE: BS: Things to do with a cucumber.!?
From: dianavan
Date: 05 May 04 - 01:54 AM

Fred - Sue B. is absolutely right. There is something very charming about men who have been fried by children and manage to keep their sense of humour. Why in the world would you take care of another baby, too? As to the cucumber...

Turn on the music, sit back, close your eyes and put the sliced cucumber on you eyelids.

If that doesn't work, crawl under the table (with a good book) and pull all the chairs around you to make a sort of cage for yourself. When the kids come around to try to figure out what you're doing, gently fling the sliced cucumbers at them, one at a time. Do not speak or look at them, just continue to read as if it were a normal thing to do. They lose interest quickly and resume playing with their Lego and dolls and other things they can control.

P.S. I am a grade 2 teacher. Although I would not attempt this with my students, it worked very well at home. :>)

Subject: RE: BS: Things to do with a cucumber.!?
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 05 May 04 - 12:01 AM

Baby, you oughta see a chimp that's all messed up and frustrated. You ain't seen nothin' yet.

Cucumbers? They're good to eat. If ya got a bronzed one you could use it to sap a guy and it would work great.

Subject: RE: BS: Things to do with a cucumber.!?
From: Sam L
Date: 04 May 04 - 11:51 PM

SueB, you are so kind to play along. Yes, that's what I had in mind, yes my mountain flower of Andalusia, etc. Thank you, really.

Yeah, I've noticed how some guys look good all messed up and frazzled. I hate those guys.

Thanks also to the nice people who pm'd me with soothing make-believe, I especially enjoyed the filthy lullaby wich I imagined sung in a sweet N. Carolina accent. Sometimes I think it's adults who are truely innocent, although I know children really are, but it's like one of those pictures that looks one way if you look at it that way, but looks another way if you look at oh fuck it I lost my thought.

Subject: RE: BS: Things to do with a cucumber.!?
From: Peace
Date: 04 May 04 - 10:01 PM

Something similar happened to me in a supermarket. I could have sworn it was the cantaloupe I was squeezing. Was she ever angry.

Subject: RE: BS: Things to do with a cucumber.!?
From: SueB
Date: 04 May 04 - 09:56 PM

Fred, darling, you do know that some men look incredibly sexy all exhausted and distraught and disheveled with their hair sticking up funny...why, I'm absentmindedly fondling produce just while thinking about it (Well, not really, but is that what you had in mind?)

Subject: RE: BS: Things to do with a cucumber.!?
From: freda underhill
Date: 04 May 04 - 07:18 PM

time to create an RSPCC i think - Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Cucumbers..

Subject: RE: BS: Things to do with a cucumber.!?
From: freda underhill
Date: 04 May 04 - 06:51 PM

thats a prince charles thought there Cluin.. uuhhhggh

Subject: RE: BS: Things to do with a cucumber.!?
From: Cluin
Date: 04 May 04 - 06:06 PM

Imagine what it's like for the cucumber.

Subject: RE: BS: Things to do with a cucumber.!?
From: Peace
Date: 01 May 04 - 09:37 PM

Right. Then I got no cucumber and no goat. Sometimes life ain't fair.

Subject: RE: BS: Things to do with a cucumber.!?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 01 May 04 - 09:28 PM

Fred, you NEED a cucumber. If all else fails, you can eat it.

Bruce - Give the cucumber to the goat.

Subject: RE: BS: Things to do with a cucumber.!?
From: GUEST,Fred Miller
Date: 01 May 04 - 08:41 PM

Thanks guys, virtual beer hits the spot right now. I'm wondering what you could brew with a cue--wine, surely, but I don't know much about beer-making.

Speaking of cucumbers, on a recipe thread of old I posted my Recipe For Tahini And Guide To Good Sex, a sort of prose poem, I claim. Good with cucumbers and tomatoes. The tahini.

Subject: RE: BS: Things to do with a cucumber.!?
From: Don(Wyziwyg)T
Date: 01 May 04 - 05:06 PM

NUN of the above!

Don

Subject: RE: BS: Things to do with a cucumber.!?
From: Peace
Date: 01 May 04 - 03:47 PM

Fred,

You probably will need lotsa meds real soon. Or lotsa alcohol. A class of second graders? I couldn't do it. Grades 8 and up I understand. Not that age group. God bless you, and may you find the remains of your sanity real soon. At least tell us you don't have to listen to that damned Barney song.

Bruce M

Subject: RE: BS: Things to do with a cucumber.!?
From: Cluin
Date: 01 May 04 - 03:11 AM

Fred, dude, have a beer on me. If I was there, I'd even buy you one. Seriously. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt, now I polish the minivan with it. It's all cool, but very tiring nonetheless. It looks great from a distance, but then it's the old days and a memory. Enjoy it now. But have a nap; you've earned it.

Subject: RE: BS: Things to do with a cucumber.!?
From: GUEST,Fred Miller
Date: 01 May 04 - 01:56 AM

Fuck yourself, loyally, thinking of me, and tell me about it later. Wouldn't that be sweet and sort of sad? Pictures would be okay, too, if they are tastefully done.
I've been taking care of my kids and someone else's baby for two weeks, egads, right after a three day camping trip with my boy and his 2nd-grade class, and I will now accept any form or token of virtual affection from anyone. Anyone. A word, a gesture, a flirt, a look in the eye is all it would take. Anyone. But if you hate and/or just dislike me it would probably be especially touching, don't you think? I think we'd all be heartened by the kindness and generosity of it. Thanks in advance, Sincerely, Fred

Subject: RE: BS: Things to do with a cucumber.!?
From: LadyJean
Date: 01 May 04 - 01:19 AM

If you play Heinz Hall in Pittsburgh, think of cucumbers. That's where all that gilding and red velvet came from.

When I was a child one could tour the H.J. Heinz plant in Pittsburgh. I don't remember encountering any cucumbers. What I remember most vividly is how bad the vinager works smelled.

Subject: RE: BS: Things to do with a cucumber.!?
From: Cluin
Date: 30 Apr 04 - 07:42 PM

One day, it's in the palm of your hand... the next day, it's up your ass.

Subject: RE: BS: Things to do with a cucumber.!?
From: Once Famous
Date: 30 Apr 04 - 05:52 PM

Girls, make sure you change the batteries in your cucumber frequently.

Subject: RE: BS: Things to do with a cucumber.!?
From: Deckman
Date: 30 Apr 04 - 04:20 PM

HERE is clear evidence that ALL YOU PEOPLE have way too much time on your hands. (wait a minute ... what the heck am I doing here?) Forget I said that! Bob

Subject: RE: BS: Things to do with a cucumber.!?
From: Kim C
Date: 30 Apr 04 - 03:59 PM

That fellow in Spinal Tap wrapped one up in foil and stuck it in his jeans.

Subject: RE: BS: Things to do with a cucumber.!?
From: Cluin
Date: 30 Apr 04 - 02:48 PM

Life is like a cucumber.

Subject: RE: BS: Things to do with a cucumber.!?
From: TheBigPinkLad
Date: 30 Apr 04 - 12:26 PM

SueB ... daughters are gonna be real disappointed later if you use a cucumber ... and sons may feel a tad inadequate (maybe not ;o). Dill pickle might be more realistic.

Subject: RE: BS: Things to do with a cucumber.!?
From: SueB
Date: 30 Apr 04 - 12:16 PM

Use it to demonstrate the proper use of condoms to your teenage children. Get them their own cucumbers and make them practice while you critique their technique. This should put them off having sex for a few more months at least.

Subject: RE: BS: Things to do with a cucumber.!?
From: GUEST,reggie miles
Date: 30 Apr 04 - 10:42 AM

You can write a song about poorly pickled cucumbers A Dilly Of A Tale

Subject: RE: BS: Things to do with a cucumber.!?
From: freda underhill
Date: 29 Apr 04 - 11:20 AM

she's probably just a sour old pickle..
been given a hard time by some dip..
she should cool down and not be so thick skinned!

Subject: RE: BS: Things to do with a cucumber.!?
From: Sttaw Legend
Date: 29 Apr 04 - 10:15 AM

GUEST, make an effort you're not even trying...

Subject: RE: BS: Things to do with a cucumber.!?
From: freda underhill
Date: 29 Apr 04 - 09:56 AM

Has GUEST answered the question, bruce?

Subject: RE: BS: Things to do with a cucumber.!?
From: GUEST
Date: 29 Apr 04 - 09:44 AM

Why is a cucumber better than a man?

1. The average cucumber is at least 6 inches long.
2. Cucumbers stay hard for a week.
3. Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
4. Cucumbers don't get too excited.
5. Cucumbers never suffer from performance anxiety.
6. Cucumbers are easy to pick up.
7. You can fondle a cucumber in a supermarket.... and you know how firm it is before you take it home.
8. Cucumbers can get away any weekend.
9. With a cucumber you can get a single room.... and you won't have to check-in as Mrs. Cucumber.
10. A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.
11. You can go to a movie with a cucumber.... and see the movie.
12. You can go to a drive-in with a cucumber.... and you can stay in the front seat.
13. With a cucumber you can always wait until you get home.
14. A cucumber won't eat all the popcorn.... or send you out for Milk Duds.
15. A cucumber won't drag you to a John Wayne Film Festival.
16. A cucumber won't ask: "Am I the first?".
17. A cucumber doesn't care if you're a virgin.
18. Cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin.
19. Cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin anymore.
20. With a cucumber you don't have to be a virgin more than once.
21. Cucumbers can handle rejection.
22. Cucumbers won't pout if you have a headache.
23. Cucumbers won't care what time of the month it is.
24. Cucumbers never want to get it on when your nails are wet.
25. Cucumbers won't give it up for Lent.
26. With a cucumber you never have to say you're sorry.
27. Afterwards, a cucumber won't: ...want to shake hands and be friends.
28. ...say, "I'll call you a cab".
29. ...tell you he's not the marrying kind.
30. ...tell you he is the marrying kind.
31. ...call his ex-wife or therapist.
32. ...take you to confession.
33. Cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month.
34. Cucumbers won't make you go to the drugstore.
35. Cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for them.
36. A cucumber a day keeps the OB-GYN away.
37. A cucumber won't work your crossword with ink.
38. A cucumber isn't allergic to your cat.
39. With a cucumber you don't have to play Florence Nightingale during the Flu season.
40. Cucumbers never answer your phone or borrow your car.
41. A cucumber won't eat all your food or drink all your liquor.
42. A cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library.
43. A cucumber won't go through your medicine chest.
44. A cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll-on, or hairspray.
45. Cucumbers won't leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub.
46. Cucumbers won't write your name and number on the men's room wall.
47. Cucumbers don't have sex hang-ups.
48. Cucumbers won't make you wear kinky clothes or go to bed with your boots on.
49. Cucumbers aren't into rope & leather, talking dirty, or swinging with fruits & nuts.
50. You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle.
51. You can eat cucumbers when you feel like it.
52. Cucumbers never need a round of applause.
53. Cucumbers won't ask: "Am I the best? How was it? Did you come? How many times?"
54. Cucumbers aren't jealous of your Gynecologist, Ski Instructor, or Hair Dresser.
55. A cucumber won't want to join your sports group.
56. A cucumber never wants to improve your mind.
57. Cucumbers aren't into meaningful conversations.
58. Cucumbers won't ask about your Last Lover.... or speculate about your next one.
59. A cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the refrigerator.
60. A cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother is over.
61. No matter how old you are, you can always get a fresh cucumber.
62. Cucumbers don't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest, or drool on the pillow.
63. A cucumber won't give you a hickey.
64. Cucumbers can stay up ALL night.... and you won't have to sleep on the wet spot.
65. Cucumbers don't leave dirty shorts on the floor.
66. A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet.
67. A cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you are taking a shower.
68. With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
69. Cucumbers don't compare you to a center fold.
70. Cucumbers don't count to 10.
71. Cucumbers don't tell you they liked you better with long hair.
72. A cucumber will never leave you ... for another woman.
73. ...for another man.
74. ...for another cucumber.
75. A cucumber will never call and say "I have to work late, Honey", and then come home smelling like another woman.
76. A cucumber never snaps your bra, pinches your butt, or gives you a snuggy.
77. You always know where a cucumber has been.
78. A cucumber never has to call "the wife".
79. Cucumbers never have mid-life crises.
80. A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
81. Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves.
82. You won't find out later that your cucumber ... is married.
83. ...is on penicillin.
84. ...likes you - but loves your brother.
85. A cucumber doesn't have softball practice on the day you move.
86. Cucumbers never tell you what they did on R&R.
87. A cucumber won't ask for a promotion just when you're up for a promotion.
88. Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
89. Cucumbers won't wear a leisure suit to your office Christmas party.
90. A cucumber won't leave town on New Year's Eve.
91. A cucumber won't take you to disco and dump you for a flashy outfit.
92. Cucumbers never want to take you home to mom.
93. A cucumber doesn't care if you always spent the holidays with your family.
94. A cucumber won't ask to be put through Med School.
95. A cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually.
96. Cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers.
97. Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy".
98. It's easy to drop a cucumber.
99. A cucumber will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement, or seek custody of anything.

Subject: RE: BS: Things to do with a cucumber.!?
From: freda underhill
Date: 29 Apr 04 - 09:31 AM

A couple had been married for 20 years, and every time they had sex the husband always insisted on turning off the lights.   Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him out of the crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of having sex, she turned on the lights.

She looked downand saw her husband was holding a cucumber. She gets completely upset. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years. You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly " I am going to be able to explain the cucumber a lot easier than you are going to be able to explain our three kids."

Subject: RE: BS: Things to do with a cucumber.!?
From: steve in ottawa
Date: 29 Apr 04 - 03:44 AM

...(who's unrespected by Babtists everywhere)...there, that's better.

Bite off its head on stage.

Write a song about how the old one was better; try to work it into a lightbulb joke.

Give it to your teacher.

Subject: RE: BS: Things to do with a cucumber.!?
From: steve in ottawa
Date: 29 Apr 04 - 03:38 AM

Put it in the crisper.

Practice chopping techniques.

Leave it at "that special someone's" abode and insist on coming over to retrieve it.

Attach it to the dummy in the bed when visiting Loreena Bobbit; hide in the closet until it's safe.

Enter it in the local cucumber races.

Stuff it in your trousers (next to the Tom Jones monogrammed hankies).

Feed it to your weiner dog (whom babtists don't respect).

Subject: RE: BS: Things to do with a cucumber.!?
From: open mike
Date: 29 Apr 04 - 01:34 AM

TZATZIKI,
Tzatziki,
one recipe for which says to serve
with greek stuffed footballs >>??!!<<

Subject: RE: BS: Things to do with a cucumber.!?
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 29 Apr 04 - 01:28 AM

Errr... Is it Brucie's goat, or is it Little Hawk's goat? Does it matter? Does the goat know what to do with the cucumber? Does scripture verse Matthew 18:18 have any relevance? If not, can someone please point me to a thread where Matthew 18:18 is relevant? Like maybe one having to do with cheese and/or diarrhea? Do cucumbers cause diarrhea? If so, then Matthew 18:18 is relevant since that which is loosed on earth shall be loose in Heaven.

Subject: RE: BS: Things to do with a cucumber.!?
From: open mike
Date: 29 Apr 04 - 01:09 AM

it does seem like i have made it into a middle eastern dip/spread
with grated, drained cuke and yogurt, also drained...it sounds good!
yep here is the recipe from www.RecipeSource.com, the new home of
SOAR: The Searchable Online Archive of Recipes,and your source for recipes on the Internet.

Cucumber Yogurt Dip


Categories    : Appetizers               

   Amount Measure       Ingredient -- Preparation Method
-------- ------------ --------------------------------
    2      Containers    plain yogurt -- (8ounce) drained in
                         a fine sieve set over a bowl, covered and
                         chilled, for 6 hours
    1      Pound         cucumber -- peeled, seeded, and
                         chopped fine
    2      Teaspoons    finely chopped fresh dill plus dill
                         sprigs for garnish
    3                   garlic cloves -- minced
    1      Tablespoon    extravirgin olive oil
    1      Tablespoon    fresh lemon juice
                         Pita loaves -- cut into wedges, as
                         an accompaniment

In a bowl stir together the drained yogurt, the cucumbers, squeezed dry between
paper towels, the chopped dill, the garlic, the oil, the lemon juice, and salt
to taste. Let the dip stand, covered and chilled, for at least 2 hours and up
to 8 hours to allow the flavors to develop. Stir the dip, garnish it with the
dill sprigs, and serve it with the pita wedges.

Yield: about 2 cups.

(it is also good on falafels!)
if you search this recipe site, you will find
345 recipes for cucumber in the archives.

Subject: RE: BS: Things to do with a cucumber.!?
From: freda underhill
Date: 28 Apr 04 - 09:18 PM

mash it with yoghurt and add it to the garden.

Subject: RE: BS: Things to do with a cucumber.!?
From: GUEST
Date: 28 Apr 04 - 08:23 PM

brucie - if you finally find your goat, and decide you don't like her, you could have a cucumber and goat meat sandwich.

Subject: RE: BS: Things to do with a cucumber.!?
From: Peace
Date: 28 Apr 04 - 07:41 PM

Paint 'em yellow and pretend they're bananas.

Subject: RE: BS: Things to do with a cucumber.!?
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 28 Apr 04 - 07:26 PM

Attaching thin slices of cucumber with gauze tape to prevent sunburn. Isn't a shirt more effective?
Quack!
GtD.

Subject: RE: BS: Things to do with a cucumber.!?
From: Nancy King
Date: 28 Apr 04 - 07:02 PM

Some years ago there were a bunch of jokes going around about why a cucumber is better than a man. I mentioned them in a perfectly respectable song thread, and Katlaughing came up with a fine song on the same theme (see her post of 09 May 02, at 11:30 a.m.).

Cheers, Nancy

Subject: RE: BS: Things to do with a cucumber.!?
From: TheBigPinkLad
Date: 28 Apr 04 - 03:37 PM

CDs make excellent lip jewellery if you happen to be off to Papua/New Guinea any time soon.

Subject: RE: BS: Things to do with a cucumber.!?
From: open mike
Date: 28 Apr 04 - 03:17 PM

http://www.geocities.com/CapeCanaveral/Launchpad/6603/instructions.html

marrow is zucchini squash, right? not the insides of bones...

and now i think i must start a new thread...what to do with c.d.'s

Subject: RE: BS: Things to do with a cucumber.!?
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Apr 04 - 03:16 PM

You could take my suggestion about using it for a lamp and Amos' about putting it where the sun doesn't shine and see what it gets you....

Subject: RE: BS: Things to do with a cucumber.!?
From: GUEST,harlowpoet
Date: 28 Apr 04 - 03:15 PM

You could hollow it out and turn it into a wind instrument. A bit of a job to blow I suppose.