Folklore: Limericks anyone [13]

Subject: BS: Limericks anyone
From: GUEST,harlowpoet
Date: 28 Apr 04 - 06:46 PM

Just scribbled this one, to start a limerick thread, if anyones up for it.

A bit clean for the moment, but I'm pretty sure it will descend.


Miss Muffet, on fleeing that day
From the tuffet, defended her play
She said, with these words
I was eating my curds
And the spider had right of whey

Simon

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone
From: Charley Noble
Date: 28 Apr 04 - 10:35 PM

One of my favorites:

There was a young widow named Brice,
Who kept her dead husband on ice;
She said, "T?was hard when I lost him,
I?ll never defrost him;
It?s rather cold comfort but nice."

Charley Noble

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone
From: Ironmule
Date: 28 Apr 04 - 10:52 PM

I'm ahead of the game, having started a limerick thread Here on the WoodenBoat Forum. I declared my rules to be "readable in a sixth grade class without the kid being sent to the Priciple's Office". I was amazed by how clean it was kept. We can easily post photo's there but they'd been used for hyjacking and flaming purposes too much lately.

The challenge is posting a lyric
Attack in the form of a limerick,
Pictures are banned,,,,and swearing gets canned,
The last line should set them to jeering.

Before we can get to the polls,
We suffer from internet trolls.
Their manner quite grim,,,,no humor slips in.
Lets poke their facades full of holes.

Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk,
no school teacher horrified should pick,
a small child to send,,,,to the office forfend,
to be punished for reading an asterisk.


Page two of the WoodenBoat Forum is accessed by tiny little blue clickies at the top and bottom of the page. Jeff Smith

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone
From: Midchuck
Date: 29 Apr 04 - 07:24 AM

Charlie, yours works better with the last line:

...Cold comfort, but cheap at the price.

(IMO)

Peter

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 29 Apr 04 - 07:43 AM

There once was a gaucho called Bruno,
Who said " shagging is one thing I do know "
A woman is fine,
A sheep is devine,
But a llama is numero UNO.

Ther are three types of limericks,
1. limericks that can be told in the presence of ladies
2. limericks that can be told when ladies are absent but clergymen are present,
and 3. LIMERICKS

eric

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone
From: jacqui.c
Date: 29 Apr 04 - 07:58 AM

Eric - I don't know about clergymen but I've been fighting a battle all my life with the idea that my sensibilities are too tender to be exposed to LIMERICKS and the like. Some of us ladies are quite broadminded nowadays - to sing some folk songs you HAVE to be.

I know that it's nice for a man to behave like a gentleman but, if the lady is agreeable then I can't see the problem with her hearing some of the ruder limericks/jokes. Can you?

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone
From: Charley Noble
Date: 29 Apr 04 - 08:23 AM

Thanks, Peter, for your suggestion.

Here's another one for the nautically inclined:

There once was a pirate named Gates,
Who thought he'd do battle on skates,
But he fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless,
And practically useless on dates.

Arghhh!
Charley Noble

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone
From: Leadfingers
Date: 29 Apr 04 - 09:26 AM

When the duo I was in at the time had a residency in a pub , the Landlord had this idea that by nine thirty we should be on the
'Rugby' songs . When this worked it was great , but when we did the participation bit it seems to me that there were a lot of ladies whispering to their male partners , who then added a (usually) rude
verse.

The Limerick packs laughs anatomical
In a space that is quite economical
But the good ones we've seen
So seldom are clean
And the clean ones so seldom are comical

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone
From: Joe_F
Date: 29 Apr 04 - 08:18 PM

Believe it or not, there is actually such a thing as a pious limerick:

God's plan made a hopeful beginning,
But man spoiled his chances by sinning.
We hope that the story
Will end in God's glory,
But at present the other side's winning.

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone
From: darkriver
Date: 29 Apr 04 - 11:28 PM

Even worse than the pious limerick may be the conceptually rhyming limerick:

There was an old man from Saint Bees
Who was stung in the arm by a wasp.
When they asked, "Does it hurt?"
He replied, "I feel no pain.
I'm so glad it wasn't a hornet."

doug

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 30 Apr 04 - 05:37 AM

I fully agree with you jacqui c, that definition was from a book about limericks by either the folklorist Gershon Legman or believe it or not the Reverend Sabine Baring Gould who was the son of the great collector.
And NO darkriver that's NOT a limerick.
eric

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone
From: George Papavgeris
Date: 30 Apr 04 - 06:05 AM

Generic template below:

There once was a Someone from Somewhere
who did something-or-other to Somebody.
But then Somebody said
"Let's do something else instead,
you can do something-or-other with Anybody"

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone
From: 42
Date: 30 Apr 04 - 07:45 AM

That last one doesn't scan very well L0L
j

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone
From: Schantieman
Date: 30 Apr 04 - 08:14 AM

One in the same vein as darkriver's:

There once was a man from Dunoon
Who used to eat soup with a fork
For he said, "As I eat
Neither fish, fowl or flesh
I should finish my dinner too quick."

And that puts me inmind of "Irritating Poem", as performd by Roy Bailey.

Steve

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Apr 04 - 08:51 AM

A complacent on Don of Divinity
Made boast of his daughter's virginity
They must have been dawdlin'
Down at old Magdalen--
It couldn't have happened at Trinity.

A mathematicians named Hall
Has a hexahedronical ball,
And the cube of its weight
Times his pecker, plus eight
is his phone number -- give him a call.

(With a sequel!):

A habit obscene and unsavory
Holds the Bishop of Wessex in slavery.
With maniacal howls
He deflowers young owls
Which he keeps in an underground aviary.

But the prior of Dunstan St. Just,
Consumed with canonical lust,
Raped the bishop's prize fowls
(His treasured young owls)
And a little green lizard, what bust.


These are all from Baring-Gould's "Lure of the Limerick."

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone
From: freda underhill
Date: 30 Apr 04 - 09:29 AM

there once was a fellow called Bush
his brain was kept down in his tush
when he needed a tonic
he had a colonic
and watched all his grey cells go whoooosh...


f.u.

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Apr 04 - 09:33 AM

I like that one, Freda!

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone
From: freda underhill
Date: 30 Apr 04 - 10:03 AM

ta

there once was a fellow called Cheney
he thought that his boss wasn't brainy
he kept him well trained
and a little constrained..
but his oaths were a little profaney..

But Bush was a little resistant
tho Cheney was strong and insistent
our Dubya kept dithering
and crapping and blithering
so Cheney brought in an assistant

Now Bush couldn't speak out without fluffin'
the assistant was ordered to muffle 'im
with his foot in his mouth
and his brain further south
It was easy to make him say nuffin'

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone
From: Schantieman
Date: 30 Apr 04 - 10:47 AM

If we really want to get rude (so far they've been quite literary!) I could dig out those I learned from 'More Rugby Songs' about thirty years ago. In the meantime:

A lady who lived on the Humber
Had a wond'rous collection of lumber:
Old boots and tin whistles,
A brush without bristles,
Three harps and a fossilized plumber.

Steve

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone
From: Shanghaiceltic
Date: 30 Apr 04 - 05:58 PM

There was a young man from Bombay
Who sailed to China one day,
He was taken at the tiller
By a sex mad gorilla
And China's a bloody long way!

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone
From: Midchuck
Date: 30 Apr 04 - 06:25 PM

I use this for either Kendall or Sandy (bigchuck):

There was an old fellow named Morse
Who was caught making love to his horse.
His wife said, "You rapscallion!
That horse is a stallion!
This constitutes grounds for divorce!"

P.

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone
From: 42
Date: 01 May 04 - 09:54 AM

Some wits on the Cat wax poetic
'through limericks fine or pathetic
to the point or mundane
sacred or profane
they act as a useful emetic.

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 01 May 04 - 11:05 AM

This Limerick may not make sense until you have read the explanation at the end:-.......

There was a young vicar from salisbury,
Whose manner was quite halisbury-scalisbury.
He would walk around Hampshire,
without any pampshire,
Till the Bishop insisted he walisbury.


Please read on........
what is the shortened version of the two places mentioned in the limerick????
Answer = Sarum and Hants...now please re-read the limerick and substitute the shorteners.
Be Blessed.

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 01 May 04 - 11:18 AM

There was a young lady from Llanfairpwyllgwyng..... Oh sod it!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone
From: freda underhill
Date: 01 May 04 - 11:32 AM

there was a young man from nantucket..

oh, better not..

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone
From: Flash Company
Date: 01 May 04 - 11:44 AM

A young man called Cholmondeley Colquhoun,
Once kept, as a pet, a baboquhoun,
His mother said 'Cholmondeley,
Do you think it's colmondeley
To feed your baboquhoun with a spoquhoun!'

When the name is pronounced as Chumley Colhoon the rest will be translatable

FC

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone
From: GUEST,Skipper Jack
Date: 01 May 04 - 01:22 PM

There was a young girl from Westphalia,
Who went to a dance as a dahlia.
In the heat of the ball, the petals did fall
And the dance, as a dance, was a failure.

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone
From: Cluin
Date: 01 May 04 - 02:59 PM

A Nantucket gentleman of elderly persuasion
Sported an appendage which facilitated self-fellation
He announced, in a state of rapturous glee
As he nattily groomed his gleaming goatee
"Ah, but if only I also was blessed with an aural orifice which was more vaginal in nature, then I might venture forth into the heretofore unexplored territories of lateral cranial auto-fornication"

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone
From: GUEST,Noddy
Date: 01 May 04 - 05:16 PM

*-------AAAAAAUUUURGGHHHHHH!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone
From: 42
Date: 01 May 04 - 07:17 PM

definitely doesn't scan!

*-------AAAAAAUUUURGGHHHHHH!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone
From: darkriver
Date: 02 May 04 - 01:42 AM

Say! I know a Llanfairpwyllgwyngll limerick!

A young man of Llanfairpwyllgwyngll,
Whilst bent over, plucking a dingle,
Had the whole eisteddfod
Taking turns at his pod
While they sang some impossible jingle.

Wish I could remember where I read it....

doug

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone
From: Charley Noble
Date: 02 May 04 - 01:18 PM

Shanghaiceltic-

There was a young man from Bombay
Who sailed to China one day,
Of the pox he did worry,
So he dabbed on some curry,
And for Ship Street his anchor did weigh!

Cheerily,
Charley Noble

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 02 May 04 - 04:30 PM

There was a young man from Kent.
Whose er..um...well....was exceedingly bent.
To save him much trouble, he bent it in double,
and instead of coming he went!

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone
From: Joe_F
Date: 02 May 04 - 09:48 PM

There was once a young man of west Cork
Who always split buns with a fork.
Said he, "Damn that rhyme!
I'd make much better time
If I came from Kilmallock or Limerick."

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 03 May 04 - 04:43 AM

The limerick is furtive and mean,
You must keep it in close quarantine,
Or it sneeks to the slums,
And promptly becomes,
Disorderly, drunk and obscene

the more obscene the better.
eric

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone
From: Leadfingers
Date: 03 May 04 - 07:02 AM

A clever commercial female
Had her prices tattooed on her tail
And below her behind
For the sake of the blind
A duplicate version in Braille

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone
From: Charley Noble
Date: 03 May 04 - 10:52 AM

"Spoonerism," that's the term I was trying to come up with for the dragon fly/flagon dry verse.

Here's another esoteric one for the poets:


There once was a poet named McNamiter,
Whose tool was of prodigious diameter;
But it wasn?t the size,
Gave the gals the surprise,
T?was his rhythm ? iambic pentameter.

Cheerily,
Charley Noble

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone
From: JennyO
Date: 03 May 04 - 12:30 PM

There once was a man from Japan,
Whose poetry never would scan.
When asked why 'twas so,
He said "I don't know,
But I always try to get as many words into the last line as I possibly can."

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone
From: Skipper Jack
Date: 03 May 04 - 01:07 PM

There was some kids from Aberystwyth,
Who had some cards to play Whist with.
They got tired of that and went and sat
And played with the things that they pissed with!

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone
From: GUEST,harlowpoet
Date: 03 May 04 - 02:35 PM

As I started the thread, I'd better continue the downward descent. One I knocked up a few years back

There was a young man from Australia
Whose life spiralled down into failure
The cause of his crash
Was a gigantic rash
That developed on his genitalia

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 03 May 04 - 04:47 PM

There was a young man from Hunts,
Who stood on the bridge at Buckingham.
Watching the stunts of the....."people" in the punts,
And the tricks of the ..."people" who were...."rowing'"em.

Work it out for yourself

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone
From: GUEST,Simon
Date: 03 May 04 - 07:02 PM

I deny that this is one of mine

A nun, who wasn't a prude
Went to her church, in the nude
As she prayed with affection
She caused an erection
Of the parson there preaching, how rude?

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone
From: GUEST
Date: 03 May 04 - 09:49 PM

There once was a man named Clyde
Who fell down a 'two-holer' and died
Along came his brother
and fell down the other
now they're in-turd side by side

two-holer - an outhouse built for two

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone
From: GUEST,harlowpoet
Date: 04 May 04 - 04:29 PM

A scientific one from myself.

A quantum physicist named Charity
Observed herself falling, with clarity
In love with a chap
But he had the clap
And she wished for a different reality

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone
From: DougR
Date: 04 May 04 - 04:57 PM

An old one. The only one I know.

There once was a couple named Kelly,
who had to sleep belly to belly,
because in their haste, they used library paste,
instead of petrolium jelly.

DougR

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone
From: DougR
Date: 04 May 04 - 05:42 PM

Today's mail brought this one and I rushed to share it with you.

There once was a man from Nantucket,
Whose misstatements could fill up a bucket,
oft the truth he has bent,
Like his "Irish Descent."
Of his record he says, "I'll just duck it."

DougR

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone
From: GUEST
Date: 05 May 04 - 04:19 AM

A young man and his girl from Stroud
Were "having a bit" in the crowd.
When a chap at the front,
turned around and said "...."
Just like that and not very loud.

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone
From: GUEST
Date: 05 May 04 - 06:37 AM

There was a young lady from Ealing
who had a peculiar feeling
so she lay on her back,opened her c....
and p..... all over the ceiling

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone
From: Joe_F
Date: 05 May 04 - 06:25 PM

Guest: Cf.

A lady lubricious and lewd
Once stood in a queue in the nude,
And a man down in front
Hollered out, "I smell ****."
Just like that! Right out loud! ******* rude!

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks anyone
From: Gurney
Date: 06 May 04 - 06:20 AM

Georgiansilver, the first two lines of that one for me have been
"There was a young vicar from Uppingham,
who stood on the bridge overlooking 'em,....


There was a young lady from Hitchen,
sat scratching her(self) in the kitchen.
Her mother said, "Rose,
it's the Pox, I suppose."
Rose said "Bollocks. Get on with your knitting."