Song Challenge! Part 96

Subject: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 96
From: Áine
Date: 13 May 04 - 06:33 PM

Well, dear Challenge!rs, I'm back with another tale of those adorable garden guys and gals, adored and abhored by many. So, get those pencils good and sharp and set the following to Mudcat Music. (Funny, I've had ne'ry a nightmare of knobbly gnome knockers...):

Naughty Gnomes Barred in Barnesley! -- BARNSLEY, England (Reuters) -- A British man has covered up his lewd garden gnomes with painted-on swimwear after police warned him he faced arrest for causing public offense.

While most garden gnomes fish or enact scenes of bucolic tranquility, ex-army Sgt. Tony Watson's models in the northern English town of Barnsley bared their breasts and buttocks, prompting complaints from the public.

"It is an offense to display something that is insulting or likely to cause distress," a police spokeswoman said on Wednesday. "Although some people view the gnomes as a bit of harmless fun, we have to take complaints from members of the public seriously."

One of the gnomes now sports a polka-dot bikini, said local resident John Threlkeld, who passes the gnomes every day on his way to work.

"Tony used filler and paint to cover them up," he said.

GO FOR IT, CHALLENGE!RS!!!

All the best, Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 96
From: Amos
Date: 13 May 04 - 08:24 PM

Wow!! Those damn stoneheads are at it again, eh? Thank God someone had the sense to step forwartd and assert the Standards of Public Decency. I mean, really!

A

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 96
From: SINSULL
Date: 13 May 04 - 08:38 PM

He wore an itsy bitsy teeny weenie
Dot to cover up his weenie
Poor little gnome
He just wanted to please

An itsy bitsy teeny weenie
Sporty polka dot bikini
But his penis
Hung down to his knees.

More later
SINS

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 96
From: Áine
Date: 13 May 04 - 08:40 PM

Sins, I don't know whether to groan or to laugh . . . I think I'll just fall on the floor and foam at the mouth for a while. Please, please, please, continue with your, uh, song ;-)

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 96
From: Amos
Date: 13 May 04 - 09:13 PM

The Band Used To Play In the Garden

Tune: The Band Played Waltzing Matilda

Click to Play

Oh I heeded my hormones as a stony young gnome,,
And threw caution away to the duster
And I flaunted my shape, and my gnomish round stones
And had good times, I'm telling you, Buster!
I found sweet gnomesses plenty with delicate swerves
And always excited to show me some curve
And as soon as dark fell, we would work up some nerve
Playing tickle and squeak in the garden.

We weren't much for fishing, or playing at boules
Or those other ridiculous poses
You wouldn't find my kind perched up on toad stools
Or scratching their chins with their noses.
As garden gnomes go, we were not from the mold
We were lusty, and busty and foolish and bold
And we never lost interest, just because it got cold,
Sometimes being of stone's an advantage!

My crowd felt at home behind one ancient hall,
In the yard of a Sergeant named Andy
He was glad to support us, boobs, peckers and all
Said he liked art that made him feel randy!
So there we would gather, and there we would live
Just awaiting the freedom the darkness would give
Why the thought of it now makes me stand like a shiv,
Life was good in that liberal garden!

But Tony got randy once too often, it seems
And he wed, as the priests did desire
She was shapely and all, but shared none of our dreams --
She'd flesh, but she didna have fire.
And the next thing we know, she's a raising a stink!
With her voice like a starling and her face burning pink
Yelling that we should care what the neighbors all think!
Though we'd never been troubled before that.

So my sweet Greta Gravel got wrapped to her neck
In a tuutuu of fiberglass filler
And my manhood's been buried and made me a wreck
How on earth could I possibly thrill her?
And it's polka dot dresses and underwear too,
She made Tony paint us in dots white and blue
Till we felt so refined that we wanted to sue!
Oh, our lives are a proper disaster!

So now every day I stand still on the lawn
Wrapped tight in my plaster bikini.
And I stand there long after the daylight is gone
For I have no more use of my weenie!
And as for old Tony, that stupid young toff
She's gone cold on him, claiming headache or cough
When a bra's made of ice, well, you can't tear it off
Any more than you can if its plaster.

And the nighttime has lost all its magic!
And we stand there all frozen and stalled
And year after year
Our numbers are fewer --
Someday no gnome will stand here at all!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 96
From: Áine
Date: 13 May 04 - 09:42 PM

Oh lordy . . . what can I say, but this says it all. Here's a Golden B.L.O.B. for this whimsical whiz....ardry:

My crowd felt at home behind one ancient hall,
In the yard of a Sergeant named Andy
He was glad to support us, boobs, peckers and all
Said he liked art that made him feel randy!
So there we would gather, and there we would live
Just awaiting the freedom the darkness would give
Why the thought of it now makes me stand like a shiv,
Life was good in that liberal garden!

'Nuff said.

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 96
From: Amos
Date: 13 May 04 - 09:45 PM

GOLDEN?? Whoahhhhh!! I am triply blessed!

Thanks, dear Goddess!! LOL!!

A

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 96
From: TS
Date: 13 May 04 - 10:15 PM

The vote from this B'y is going to Amos!..>Well Done! Well Done!...BRAVO ZULU!......Slainte!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 96
From: Áine
Date: 14 May 04 - 08:00 AM

Come on, Challenge!rs -- It's the weekend, so you don't have any excuse not to scribble down a ditty or two about these gnomes and their new knickers!!

Lock yourself in the porcelain library, find a friend to collaborate with, or kick back with a nice glass of Shiraz, then close your eyes and IMAGINE . . . You can do it, I know you can!!

Remember, any genre will do -- folk, country, blues, and if you feel the thumping of those bass guitars in you - start rockin' and rollin'!!

GO FOR IT, CHALLENGE!RS!!!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 96
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 14 May 04 - 08:34 AM

Áine - it's the weekend??

I better go tell my boss!

IN BARNESLY A GNOME
(To the tune of 'Quare Bungle Rye')

In Barnesly a gnome, he went out on the town
He stopped in a garden and pulled his pants down
Bent over and mooned all the folk passing by
And happened to catch a cute gnomette's bright eye

Fal-de de rol, such a cute gnomette's eye!

She stepped in the garden and pulled off her top
Saying - 'What a good deal - I was growing hot'
Proudly she flashed him an eyefull and then
Presented her pair to the lane once again

Fal-de de rol, to the lane once again!


Complaints they were filed, complaints pointed blame
for lewdness and grossness, disgust and for shame
In Barnesly such sights should not ever be seen
And Especially not in a garden so green!

Fal-de de rol, inn a garden so green!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 96
From: Áine
Date: 14 May 04 - 09:35 AM

Brilliant, MMario!! So sunny, so shiny, so hot . . . And for your not too flashy flurry of verse, your are awarded a B.L.O.B. for:

She stepped in the garden and pulled off her top
Saying - 'What a good deal - I was growing hot'
Proudly she flashed him an eyefull and then
Presented her pair to the lane once again

Well done in the sun, indeed ;-)

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 96
From: Flash Company
Date: 14 May 04 - 10:23 AM

Have to be careful here, I have friends in Barnsley!

Well the first time I seen Tony Watson,
It was in the month of June
He said 'I want a gnome with his trousers down
Doing a reg'lar moon
I'm looking for a gnome, just looking for a gnome'

Well I said to him 'Tony,
Why'd you want a gnome like that?'
Said 'To let my neighbour know
What I think of her old tom cat
I'm looking for a gnome, just looking for a gnome'

Well we went to the garden centre
And found to our surprise,
There were gnomes with dongs like old King Kong
And lustful staring eyes
When you're looking for a gnome, just looking for a gnome.

Well I said 'Look here Tony,
Be careful what you do,
Or else you'll find the thought police
Will be coming after you
If you put out any gnomes, if you put out any gnomes!'

Well only a fortnight later
The cops came round to call,
Said Displaying indecent gnomes
Just will not do at all,
So cover up your Gnomes, Just cover up your gnomes.

Well the moral of this story,
Is very true but sad,
Whatever you do for a bit of fun
Someone else can see as bad,
Even in a gnome, Especially in a gnome!

Tune Boll Weevil

FC

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 96
From: Áine
Date: 14 May 04 - 10:34 AM

Love the lyrics, love the tune. Way to go, Flash! And here is your B.L.O.B. for this irreverantly relevant repartee:

Well I said 'Look here Tony,
Be careful what you do,
Or else you'll find the thought police
Will be coming after you
If you put out any gnomes, if you put out any gnomes!'

Now we're cooking with gas ;-)

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 96
From: Áine
Date: 15 May 04 - 11:19 AM

OK, Challenge!rs, it really is the weekend now; so, come on, I know there's some more creative takes on these lovely little gnomes . . .

You don't have to be bawdy to get a B.L.O.B., you know. Let's see what your gnomes are made of!

Go for it, Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 96
From: Deda
Date: 15 May 04 - 10:58 PM

Dear Aine, how wonderful! This one is to the tune of "Any dream will do" from Joseph and the Amazing technicolor Dreamcoat -- which is not in the DT. That's very wise, because it's one of those tunes, like the notorious "It's a small world" which will run round and round and round in your head for weeks until you holler for mercy.

Barnsley's Moon

Our Barnsley Green, it's so bucolic,
Never melancholic, just a perfect scene.
Far, far away, folks may be sinning,
Have since the beginning,
I've been told, it's true.

But I walk my street, with the bright sun shining,
Nothing's undermining my tidy view.
All's as right as rain, till the corner's turning,
Then my cheeks start burning,
And my eyes do, too.

A shocking sight! A sybarite!
Made out of stone! A pervert gnome
Is standing there, his bottom bare
Flashing me a moon!

I closed my eyes, and I almost fainted,
To see Barsnley tainted, with such a dirty scene.
I looked once more, and I saw bare-chested
Gnomettes double-breasted --
Well I had to scream.

I called the cops, well, of course I had to,
Not that I was glad to, but what choice had I?
The world and I, we have to keep our eyes peeled,
And our moral spines steeled,
Against such clay bad guys.

The cops were fast, the crisis passed,
The stone derriere no longer bare,
The boobs were clad in bikini plaid
Painted on the stone.

Now we return To our life of virtue
All at home by curfew, and the gnomes are still.
For action hot, they still are waiting,
Primly hesitating,
And they always will.
And they always will.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 96
From: Áine
Date: 15 May 04 - 11:48 PM

Fantastic, dear Deda! I'm so glad someone stepped into the shoes of the complainant and used his/her POV. Well done, indeed -- and may I say in so 'Barnseylish' a manner, too. ;-) And for your 'primly hesitating' (yet, oddly Poe-ettic) poetical pronouncement in the following verse, you are awarded a Silver B.L.O.B.:

Now we return To our life of virtue
All at home by curfew, and the gnomes are still.
For action hot, they still are waiting,
Primly hesitating,
And they always will.
And they always will.

It's just getting better and better, Challenge!rs -- Jump in, the water's fine . . .

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 96
From: DonD
Date: 16 May 04 - 05:24 PM

Oh, give me some gnomes, front of my Barnsley home
With their true nature all on display.
Some think it's absurd, tip the coppers the word,
They said take those offenders away!

Gnomes, gnomes, ain't it strange?
Like Greek gods, tits and butts on display.
Some silly old fart can't appreciate art,
Made me hide my gnomes' treasures away.

Another arbiter of taste, in D.C. he made haste
To conceal a fair feminine shape;
So the prim TV tube won't be shocked, said this boob,
And he hid Justice's bare breast with a drape.

Gnomes, gnomes, ain't it strange?
Bluestockings o'er you hold sway,
But you're part of the crowd of what's not allowed
By those who'd take all our freedoms away.

In London's Hyde Park, I think for a lark
Queen Boadicea should now wear a brassiere,
Lest in Buckingham Palace, some teen princeling's phallus
Should respond to the sight, they might fear.

Gnomes, gnomes, ain't it strange?
What some folks are afraid may be seen.
They've no problem with war, murder, lying and more,
But a stone gnome's rear end is obscene!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 96
From: Deda
Date: 16 May 04 - 07:25 PM

Bravo -- Way to make it relevant! I do love these Challenges.

BTW, I couldn't find any Part 95. Did I miss it??

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 96
From: Áine
Date: 16 May 04 - 07:58 PM

Don D., you've hit the gnome on the head! Great lyrics, and for your last iota of an extremely eye-opening edict, you are hereby awarded a Bronze B.L.O.B.:

Gnomes, gnomes, ain't it strange?
What some folks are afraid may be seen.
They've no problem with war, murder, lying and more,
But a stone gnome's rear end is obscene!

Well done!

And Deda, yes, there was a Part 95; but, no one seemed too interested in it and it quickly sunk into the archives. Sometimes, even brilliant turkeys can't fly ;-)

All the best, Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 96
From: Cuilionn
Date: 16 May 04 - 09:46 PM

Alricht, it's nae ower-wairdy nor sae eloquent as the previous posts, but Ah've set ma hand tae screevin, an here's what ma puir feshed kist o brains cam up wi. Try singin it oot... Ah think it scans aye weel!
Here ye gae-- noo Ah'll run aff, afore ye stairt tossin things at me!
   --Cuilionn

GNOME-BODY WOES
(Tune: "Nobody Knows the Trouble I've Seen")
Gnome-body Woes-- A trouble obscene!
Gnome-Body Shows-- with teasers!
Gnome-Body Shows-- The trouble we've seen!
Gory, How egregious!!

Some gnomes stick up, some gnomes hang down
So I've heard...
Some plow others on the ground--
Oh, My Word!

Gnome-bodies seen-- by tots and teens!
Gnome-bodies seen-- by geezers!
Barin' theirselves-- to bobby & Queen--
Oh, cover 'em, to please us!

Tony's Gnomes were bold and brash
So we've heard...
So we knit each a wee wee sash:
Gnomes we gird!

Gnome-body clothes--with polka-dots green!
Gnome-body clothes--two-piecers!
Gnomes would rather "begin the Beguine..."
But knickerless gnomes unease us!


Tho' Gnomes in nature unclad go,
So I've heard...
That Gnomenclature had to go!
Oh, My Word!

Gnome-bodies stowed--so decent, their bods!
Gnome-bodies stowed--praise Jee-zus!
Once odd in the sod, now closer to God
In Gnome-shorts and chemises!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 96
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 17 May 04 - 08:22 AM

HUZZAH! You are too modest! nor sae eloquent as the previous posts indeed; I, for one, think it most eloquent.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 96
From: Áine
Date: 17 May 04 - 08:56 AM

Cuilionn, I agree wholeheartedly with MMario, most eloquent, indeed; fraptious even. ;-) I had a very difficult time picking your most loquacious verse; but, this one deserves a B.L.O.B. just for rhyming Jee-zus and chemises. Fantastic!

Gnome-bodies stowed--so decent, their bods!
Gnome-bodies stowed--praise Jee-zus!
Once odd in the sod, now closer to God
In Gnome-shorts and chemises!

Way to go, Challenge!rs!!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 96
From: Deda
Date: 17 May 04 - 02:19 PM

LOL!!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 96
From: Amos
Date: 18 May 04 - 07:26 PM

Grand, simply grand, ladies!! Thanks!! LOIL!


A

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 96
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 21 Jul 05 - 09:43 PM

Refresh

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 96
From: Amos
Date: 22 Jul 05 - 01:49 PM

The Gaelic Goddess is currently pretending to be suffering from allergies due to the drought; but she asked me to tell y'all she was delighted to hear this thread had been resurrected, as the assorted Gnomes songs were always among her favorites!


A

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 96
From: MMario
Date: 22 Jul 05 - 01:58 PM

Allergies effect the fingers? Tell her we miss her. And what are her plans for Getaway? she chickened out renaged on her promise was unable to make it last year.