BS: Eddie Whatnoll to stand up!

Subject: BS: Eddie Whatnoll to stand up!
From: GUEST,Mrs Whatnoll
Date: 20 May 04 - 09:11 AM

Me 'usband, Eddie, wot lives in 'Ull 'as announced that 'e is going to stand up tomorrow at 2:30 pm. This promises to be an event of sorts because me Eddie 'as been sitting in front of the telly for 16 years and 'e weighs 313 stone. The press will be attending and I will be selling lit'le crumpets and such. If we're lucky maybe jOhn from 'Ull will show up too. Be there. 14A Courtney Street at 2:30 pm tomorrow.

Subject: RE: BS: Eddie Whatnoll to stand up!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 20 May 04 - 10:15 AM

Hope your day turns out to be exactly what you want it to be.
Be Blessed.

Subject: RE: BS: Eddie Whatnoll to stand up!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 20 May 04 - 10:54 AM

I thank God I delayed getting my third cup of coffee until after opening this thread or it would have been all over my monitor and keyboard.

Subject: RE: BS: Eddie Whatnoll to stand up!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 20 May 04 - 11:43 AM

This Eddie Whatnoll sounds like a big man. How much is 313 stone when converted to North American pounds anyway? I wonder if he will stand up at the exact same moment as when Tony Blair stands down? I wonder if anyone will notice?

Subject: RE: BS: Eddie Whatnoll to stand up!
From: TheBigPinkLad
Date: 20 May 04 - 01:59 PM

It's 4,382 lbs, LH.

Mrs Whatnoll, do you and he still ...er ...y'know?

Subject: RE: BS: Eddie Whatnoll to stand up!
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 May 04 - 06:21 PM

Mrs. Whatnoll, I would like very much to be there, but I'm about 4,778 miles from London and even farther from Hull. Would you be kind enough to videotape the event?

Thanks so very much.

Subject: RE: BS: Eddie Whatnoll to stand up!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 20 May 04 - 06:37 PM

Yes, please record the event, but to DVD, not VHS. My VHS player has died and I refuse to buy another.

Subject: RE: BS: Eddie Whatnoll to stand up!
From: GUEST,Mrs Whatnoll
Date: 20 May 04 - 10:53 PM

Well! That's a pret'y cheeky question, BigPinkLad! I am not prepared to give you a explicit answer straight out, but I will say this...me Eddie is a right stallion! 'E's not missin' any vital parts that I know of, even if 'e does spend most of 'is time watchin' telly and consumin' various potable and tinned substances.

Rapaire, I expect the press will videotape Eddie's standin' up and I will see wot I can do for you to provide a copy on DVD. Me Eddie wouldn't settle for less than DVD, 'e wouldn't!

I'm so excited that I don't fink I'll get a wink of sleep tonight! I'm going to join Eddie now on the couch. E's watchin' old movies wif Vera Lynn in 'em. I always cry when they get to the sad parts, but me Eddie keeps a stiff upper lip and just belches now and then.

Subject: RE: BS: Eddie Whatnoll to stand up!
From: GUEST,Mrs Whatnoll
Date: 21 May 04 - 03:02 PM

I 'ave to report that we 'ave experienced a disaster of sorts. It's a bloody mess, to be perfeckly frank about it. A bloody mess!!!

It all started out quite well. The local press 'ad all turned out by 1 pm for to see me Eddie stand up after 'is 16 years on the couch watchin' the telly. I was sellin' me crumpets like 'ot cakes and I've never seen so many folk in the flat or around the building before. It was like we was celebrities. Pret'y 'eady feeling, I can tell you!

Well, they all 'ad their cameras ready as 2:30 approached, 'aving interviewed me and Eddie first. Me name by the way is Olive. Olive Margaret Whatnot, formerly Olive Margaret Wormsley. I was born and bred in 'Ull, same as me Eddie, and I'm right proud of it.

As the long awaited for moment approached and the seconds ticked away, the blokes and birds from the press all started chanting the countdown! The excitement was palpable. Eddie tossed back a flagon of Guinness, took a deep breath, and as they reached ONE!...'e made a mighty effort and suddenly lurched to 'is feet, putting one 'and on the settee to steady 'isself...and everyone gave a mighty cheer! And they all flashed their flashbulbs...bloody twits! And that was when it 'appened.

Me poor Eddie was so startled and blinded by the flashbulbs that 'e overbalanced and fell backwards wiv 'is full weight on the couch. I regret to say that the treasured piece of furniture was totally destroyed in the resulting descent of Eddie's uncontrolled fall backwards, and that was only the beginning.

I regret to say that we live on the second floor walkup in our building. It seems that the floor was not quite strong enough to sustain Eddie's landing and the subsequent collapse of our 20 year old heirloom couch. The floor gave way. Without the floor or the couch to properly support 'im, me Eddie had the misfortune of being caused to descend unexpectedly into the flat of the people living below us, 'ose name is Pond. Mister and Mrs Pond. We 'ave in the past not gotten along well wiv the Ponds because they are stuck up and finks too much of themselves. Due to this I 'ave not spoken to Mrs Pond in some time nor 'as she spoken to me. Eddie 'as not met the Ponds, due to the fact that 'e spent the last 16 years on the couch...now the ex-couch...but 'e 'as a low opinion of both of 'em. And I fink 'is opinion is justified.

Nonetheless, it was not Eddie's intention to kill their cat nor was it 'is intention to destroy their tellyvision, their dining table, and their set of Wedgewood China. It was an act of God.

I regret to say that me Eddie sustained painful bruises and a wrenched elbow in 'is fall. We intend to sue the press. The press also intends to sue us, because several of 'em fell in the 'ole and suffered various minor injuries to themselves and their photographic equipments.

The apartment 'as been ruined, any money I made sellin' crumpets will go to the lawyers, and I am sorry to say that the 'ole fing was a bad idea from the start. "Let sleeping dogs lie", they say. Well, now I know why.

I will not be sending anyone the DVD.

Subject: RE: BS: Eddie Whatnoll to stand up!
From: TheBigPinkLad
Date: 21 May 04 - 03:43 PM

I 'ad a couch like that once. Ikea, was it?

Subject: RE: BS: Eddie Whatnoll to stand up!
From: GUEST,Mrs Whatnoll
Date: 21 May 04 - 05:12 PM

It was much more sturdy than bleedin' Ikea! I must say that I was so upset when I last posted that I misspelt me own last name. It's "Whatnoll" not "Whatnot". Bloody 'ell! It's been a difficult day 'ere and it's not over yet. Eddie 'as been checked by the doctor. 'E's got no broken bones, thank the Lord, but I don't know 'ow to get 'im back upstairs. We may go to Bath for the weekend and visit me brother, Ernest.

You should've seen the Pond's cat. Squashed flat, she was! 'Orrible, just orrible! She made the most awful screech too when it 'appened.

Subject: RE: BS: Eddie Whatnoll to stand up!
From: TheBigPinkLad
Date: 21 May 04 - 05:26 PM

So the moggy lost all nine at once then? That is a tragedy. Still, as long as Eddie's OK, hey? And look at it this way, when the insurance comes through you can find a nice new place on the ground floor and mebbe a few bob left over for SKY TV. You do have insurance, don't you Olive?

Subject: RE: BS: Eddie Whatnoll to stand up!
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 May 04 - 07:22 PM

Mrs. Whatnoll, I'm afraid that I can do little but send my sympathies -- the distance, you know. I am glad that Eddie wasn't greatly harmed, and I'm certain that the cat was a nasty little beast quite deserving of what it got.

I know of a similar situation. Once, when I was at University, a young couple became overly enthusiastic in their amorous antics on a waterbed. The floor -- the US second floor it was, British first floor -- gave way and plunged them through the floor beneath and into a flat in the basement. Quite a splash, I understand, and an interesting time for the local fire brigade and police. I left before it was all sorted out, so I'm afraid I can't give advice on it.

Subject: RE: BS: Eddie Whatnoll to stand up!
From: GUEST,Mrs Whatnoll
Date: 10 Jul 04 - 01:59 PM

We 'ave been spendin' some time in our new digs in Bath, 'aving relocated wif the 'elp of me brother Ernest and the movers, wot 'ad to use a special zoo vehicle to move Eddie from 'Ull to Bath. We did secure a small settlement from the press, and 'ave discontinued further legal actions at this time.

The Ponds are still pursuing us for damages, 'owever. They can bloody well go to 'Ell! They're already in 'Ull, so they ain't got far to go the way I sees it.

I was shocked to 'ear that David Bowie 'ad to 'ave emergency 'eart surgery after 'is last performance. Cor! And 'e looks so trim and all. This proves that 'e would 'ave been better off to save 'is energy all these years and be a gentleman of leisure like me Eddie, wot seldom leaves the couch. I expect Mick Jagger will be next to be stricken. These young lads, they don't know 'ow to take care of themselves proper. All that sex and drugs and rock and roll. It brings a tear to me eye thinkin' of 'ow their poor mothers must feel!

We have a new couch. It's a corker. You lot ought to see it. Nice little flowers and all.

Eddie and I are going to 'old a prayer meeting for poor David Bowie, and we will also petition the Lord to provide jOhn from 'Ull wiv a job or else get 'im elected to Parliament as soon as possible, so as to get 'im off the streets like.

Olive Whatnoll

Subject: RE: BS: Eddie Whatnoll to stand up!
From: GUEST,Mrs Olive Whatnoll
Date: 22 Sep 04 - 12:46 PM

We 'ave purchased a parrot and named it "Tony Blair". It's lovely to look at, but it keeps makin' a terrible screeching sound now and then wot could bloody well strip the paint off the bleedin' walls! The first time it did me 'usband, Eddie got such a shock that 'e stood right up off the couch. 'Is eyes popped wide open and 'e said, "Wot the bloody 'ell was that???!" Now 'e's gettin' used to it. I wish I could say the same! Still, I fink it's a bit of all right 'avin' a parrot, like, because it's an exotic bird wot most people don't 'ave and it makes for a good conversation piece. Eddie just ignores its screeching now, but I yell back at it, "Shut your gob, you nasty bird!" And then it screeches back at me. And then I yell back at it.

All in all, it's been noisy around 'ere. Eddie 'as turned up the volume on the telly very loud, and the parrot seems to like it that way.

Subject: RE: BS: Eddie Whatnoll to stand up!
From: Sttaw Legend
Date: 22 Sep 04 - 01:58 PM

Mrs Whatnoll, sorry to hear about Eddie and I hope Mrs Pond can put some life back into her pussy, maybe kissing it will help.

You have indeed experienced sad times and it may help to know there are people worse of than your good-selves.

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of
screwdrivers.
31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas
decorations were chocolate.
British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.
101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out
of the soles of their feet.
18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a jumper with a lit
cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after
opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control
Scalextric cars.
and finally.........
In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.
RULE BRITANNIA!

Subject: RE: BS: Eddie Whatnoll to stand up!
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 22 Sep 04 - 02:05 PM

I reckon Straw Legend knows all about this kind of stuff,
he's an elf and saftey inspector.

Subject: RE: BS: Eddie Whatnoll to stand up!
From: GUEST,Mrs Olive Whatnoll
Date: 22 Sep 04 - 02:44 PM

My Gawd, Sstaww Legend...that's orrible! Just 'orrible! It gives me the shivers knowin' 'ow many dangers lurk for the innocent citizen even in these 'ere modern times when you would fink we would 'ave solved all these sort of problems and set fings right. It's very distressing to me to 'ear of this sort of 'uman tragedies occurin' and I 'ope a solution will soon be found. I wonder about those lot wot get electrocuted by the Christmas trees though. I carn't imagine why they was watering the Christmas tree in the first place, let alone wif the fairy lights on! They must be bloody stupid! I 'eard about a woman 'oo got 'er tongue badly bitten by 'er pet bird. She was stickin' 'er tongue out at the bird, like, makin' fun of it, and the lit'tle blighter grabbed 'er tongue wif it's beek, causin' 'er to experience frightful pain and a nasty flesh wound. You won't catch me stickin' me tongue out at "Tony Blair" 'ere, leastways not except from a safe distance. 'E's got a beak on 'im wot could sever a man's privates wifout a second glance.

OY!!! 'E just screeched again. Bloody 'ell! Shut up, you parrot bastard!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Eddie Whatnoll to stand up!
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 22 Sep 04 - 05:28 PM

I hope he's not, jOhn. Bastards them elf inspectors. I had one round here last week asking if I was an elf! Bloody cheek. 'Do I look like on of them long streaks of piss?' I ask him. 'Ok, Ok, keep your hair on!' he replies. Well, that did it. 'We don't have hair', I growls in a low barely controlled voice. 'Why do you think we always wear hats?'.

I didn't think a clipboard would fit up there. Not sideways. I don't think he'll be collecting statistics on the elf service in a hurry. Not with his limp...

Cheers

Dave the Gnome

Subject: RE: BS: Eddie Whatnoll to stand up!
From: GUEST,Mrs Olive Whatnoll
Date: 24 Sep 04 - 08:22 PM

The parrot, Tony Blair, 'as excaped! Me Eddie is very put out about it on account of the bird cost us 250 quid on Ebay! Meself, I count it as blessed relief, due to the fact that we finally 'ave some peace and quiet again. Eddie 'as gone out to put up reward posters wif a picture of the bloody bird on them. I 'ope it is not found. One Tony Blair in England is more than enough, I say. Per'aps it will fly back to Africa or wherever they come from. I pity the people in the tropics wot 'ave to put up wif these screechy vermin on a daily basis.

It 'ad also learnt 'ow to say "Shut yer bleedin' gob!!!" and fings like that, which it learnt by imitating me! We was at daggers drawn. It was comin' down to a question of 'im or me, so I am glad the bastard excaped and 'as gone to find 'is destiny somewhere's else but in my 'ouse!

Subject: RE: BS: Eddie Whatnoll to stand up!
From: Sttaw Legend
Date: 25 Sep 04 - 01:24 PM

Olive received the parrot for her birthday. The parrot was fully-grown, with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Olive tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music and anything she could think of. Nothing worked. She yelled at the bird. The bird got worse. She shook the bird and the bird just got madder and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Olive put the bird in the freezer and shut the door. For a few moments she heard the bird squawking and kicking and then suddenly there was quiet. Olive was frightened that she may have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Olive's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions and ask for your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior." Olive was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had caused the change when the parrot continued: "Might I ask what the CHICKEN did?"

Subject: RE: BS: Eddie Whatnoll to stand up!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 25 Sep 04 - 01:37 PM

LOL! That does not sound like Mrs Olive Whatnoll. Must have been another Olive.

Subject: RE: BS: Eddie Whatnoll to stand up!
From: GUEST
Date: 26 Sep 04 - 10:32 AM

Subject: RE: BS: Eddie Whatnoll to stand up!
From: GUEST,Mrs Olive Whatnoll
Date: 26 Sep 04 - 09:10 PM

Bad news. Very bad news. The bloody parrot is back! Some fecking "good samaritan" returned 'im to the bosom of 'is family!!! Bloody flamin' 'ell!!!!

Me Eddie is in transports of joy now that 'e 'as got 'is stupid noisy parrot back, and I am fit to be tied. First thing when the bird saw me, 'e gives an 'orrible screech, like always. I yells at
'im, "You shut yer stupid gob!" 'E yells back at me, "You shut yer ugly face!" I don't know where 'e learnt that, because I never said them words in this 'ouse. 'E's been keepin' bad company somewheres.

Well, I went for 'im wif the broom 'andle, but me Eddie wouldn't let me kill 'im. The stupid git finks the world of that bloody bird, because it cost 'im 250 quid on Ebay. 'E's too proud to admit that the 250 quid 'as been squandered and lost forever on a tragically stupid error!

You could cut the air wif a knife in this 'ouse tonight. I've made up me mind. Either the parrot goes or I do. Mark me words, it's the bird or me this time!

Subject: RE: BS: Eddie Whatnoll to stand up!
From: GUEST,Mrs Olive Whatnoll
Date: 28 Sep 04 - 01:34 PM

Roight! That's it! I am going to me sister's place in Basingstoke and me stupid 'usband can bloody well rot 'ere wif 'is bloody parrot Tony Blair! To 'ell wif both of 'em! I'm gone!

And to 'ell wif YOU lot on Mudcat 'oo obvioulsy don't give a damn about it!

As for jOhn from 'ull, 'e can drop dead too!

Subject: RE: BS: Eddie Whatnoll to stand up!
From: GUEST,Martian Gibbon
Date: 29 Sep 04 - 03:08 AM

Mrs Whatnoll I think you need to increase your medication.

Subject: RE: BS: Eddie Whatnoll to stand up!
From: GUEST,Mrs Olive Whatnoll
Date: 29 Sep 04 - 02:11 PM

Don't you come to Basingstoke either, Martian, or I will smack your face as well as Martin Bloody Gibson!

I am now ensconsed wif me sister, Gladys, and we are discussin' wot a stupid, useless git I married when I walked up the isle wif Eddie Whatnoll! I must 'ave been out of me mind. 'E and 'is bloody parrot can rot in Bath till 'ell freezes over. 'E's fat, lazy, and full of 'isself, and so is the parrot. Full of 'isself, I mean...the parrot, that is. The parrot is not fat nor lazy. It's 'yperactive in fact. Eddie is the one wot's fat and lazy.

Gladys and me are plannin' to launch a new business wot will make Eddie wish 'e'd got off 'is duff and done somefink wif 'is life. 'E'll be green wif envy. The parrot already is green, but it ain't envy. It's just the natchural colour of the ugly bastard.