Know of any masturbation songs?

Subject: RE: Know of any masturbation songs?
From: deepdoc1
Date: 29 Apr 10 - 09:29 PM

Tom Waits, Nighthawks at the Diner, intro to Better Off Without a Wife...

...
Well usually about 2.30 in the morning
you've ended up taking advantage of yourself.
There ain't no way around that you know.
Yeah, making a scene with a magazine, there ain't no way around.
I'll confess you know, I'm no different you know.
I'm not weird about it or anything, I don't tie myself up first.
I just kinda spend a little time with myself
So this is kind of a little anthem here.
...

Subject: RE: Know of any masturbation songs?
From: Rob Naylor
Date: 29 Apr 10 - 08:54 PM

Banjolinbrian: I once had a tape of the Aussie song that started:

"I'm a wanker, I'm a wanker
And it does me good like it bloody well should...."

Not Aussie at all. That's "I'm A Wanker" by Ivor Biggun AKA Doc Cox, and as British as they cum!

Subject: RE: Know of any masturbation songs?
From: catspaw49
Date: 29 Apr 10 - 08:50 PM

"Fisty"

......Tune of "Misty"

Look at me.
My dick's so fuckin' stiff that I can't pee.
And both of my balls are turning blue.
My tool in my hand
I get a boner
Thinking of you.

On my own
Must I take my schlong in hand and go it alone
Wanking away at lightning speed
It just ain't the same
'Cause your pussy
Is just what I need

You tell me I'm asking far too much
But I long for just a little of your touch
Please put those rubber gloves away
Christ I'm ready to go gay
What the hey....

So grab my cock
I don't want to chase your ass around the block
I know that you have qualms
I'll just do it myself
And then shave the hair off my palms.


Spaw

Subject: RE: Know of any masturbation songs?
From: beeliner
Date: 29 Apr 10 - 07:44 PM

Incredible that no one mentioned "Rattlesnake Shake" by Fleetwood Mac.

Subject: RE: Know of any masturbation songs?
From: Acorn4
Date: 29 Apr 10 - 07:37 PM

Most of the output of Leonard Cohen!

Subject: RE: Know of any masturbation songs?
From: Bob the Postman
Date: 29 Apr 10 - 07:30 PM

I Gave Up Wanking This Morning by Australia's national treasure, Sir Kevin Bloody Wilson.

Subject: RE: Know of any masturbation songs?
From: Jack Campin
Date: 29 Apr 10 - 06:49 PM

Me and My Vibrator

Subject: RE: Know of any masturbation songs?
From: GUEST,Banjolinbrian
Date: 29 Apr 10 - 06:09 PM

I once had a tape of the Aussie song that started:

"I'm a wanker, I'm a wanker
And it does me good like it bloody well should...."

and that's all I can remember..

Subject: RE: Know of any masturbation songs?
From: JennieG
Date: 22 Jul 04 - 03:24 AM

Sttaw Legend, you forgot a verse -

She'll be writhing on the floor when she comes
She'll be writhing on the floor when she comes
She'll be writhing on the floor
She'll be screaming out for more
She'll be writhing on the floor when she comes!

Cheers
JennieG

Subject: ADD Parody: Diddle My Way (I Did It My Way)
From:
Date: 22 Jul 04 - 03:17 AM

Parody: Diddle My Way
Original: My Way (Sinatra)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And now, I'm sitting here.
I've poured my drink, I've drawn my curtain.
I've spread my legs apart.
If they spread more they would be hurtin'.
I turn the vibe on high,
My breath grows short. It's in a *sigh* way.
I diddle long, I diddle strong
I diddle my way.

Men's dicks. I've had a few,
Had five at once at a convention.
And lips I've had them too,
Both sexes licked, without exemption.
But on the road of sex
My favored steps along the highway
Are with my finger walk
I diddle my way.

>From time to time I've tried something new.
Sure, I got off a time or two.
But after all what makes me shout:
Fingers on clit! Thrust in and out!
Slide dildo in! Make my head spin!
I diddle my way!

I've spanked. Been whipped and cried.
My rectum filled, my share of bruising.
All kinds of kinks I've tried.
I've found a few quite amusing.
To think I've fucked like that,
And may I say, not in a shy way.
They must defer. I much prefer
To diddle my way.

For no one else can find that right spot!
I can myself, deep in the slot!
Slide in my toy! Vibe on my clit!
Lubed up with oil, nature and spit!
Pussy and bum! Oh, how I cum
When I diddle my way!

Subject: RE: Know of any masturbation songs?
From: Genie
Date: 22 Jul 04 - 02:15 AM

How about "Keep Your Eyes On The Prize, Hold On?" ;-D

Subject: RE: Know of any masturbation songs?
From: GUEST
Date: 22 Jul 04 - 01:27 AM

How 'bout "Keep Your Eyes On The Prize, Hold On?" ;-D

Subject: RE: Know of any masturbation songs?
From: The Walrus
Date: 21 Jul 04 - 08:24 PM

Would 'Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves' count?

Walrus

Subject: RE: Know of any masturbation songs?
From: Joe_F
Date: 21 Jul 04 - 06:41 PM

There's a lack of fornication in Mobile.
There's a lack of fornication in Mobile.
There's a lack of fornication
So they're stuck with masturbation --
What a fucking situation in Mobile!

Likewise:

Oh, they haven't any whores.
But there's keyholes in the doors,
And there's knotholes in the floors.

Oh, the old brown cow is dead,
But the children must be fed,
So we'll milk the bull instead.

Subject: RE: Know of any masturbation songs?
From: Cllr
Date: 21 Jul 04 - 09:33 AM

I got the six gimmie your nine ZZtop sort of mutaul rather than solo but I couldn't resist the timing Cllr

Subject: RE: Know of any masturbation songs?
From: Nerd
Date: 21 Jul 04 - 12:23 AM

I knew it as

last Night I stayed up late to Masturbate...

rhymes better that way.

Subject: RE: Know of any masturbation songs?
From: YOR
Date: 20 Jul 04 - 10:52 PM

Funny thread!

Richard: ""Touch me" (forget the perfomer)" were you thinking of "The Doors"?

How about "Legs" or "Tush" by ZZ Top.

"Overture" from Tommy, by The Who.

Subject: RE: Know of any masturbation songs?
From: GUEST,DAN BELFAST
Date: 20 Jul 04 - 09:16 PM

BET YOU WISH YOU HADN'T STARTED THIS NOW HAHAHAHAHAHA

Subject: RE: Know of any masturbation songs?
From: Charley Noble
Date: 20 Jul 04 - 08:59 PM

Hmmmm. There are probably a few traditional "lumberjack" songs that could be reprocessed here. Who hasn't had fantasies about birch trees? And what was really going on at "Blue Mountain Lake."

And for the nautically minded there is always "Pump Shanty."

Cheerily,
Charley Noble

Subject: RE: Know of any masturbation songs?
From: GUEST,belter
Date: 20 Jul 04 - 01:51 PM

The song that start "Last night I stayed awake and masturbated" is alive and well in the SCA. Mostly in Callenteer. Sometimes they use it to embaris newbies. There is suposed to be a female version of it that is longer and more explicit, but I haven't heard it.

Subject: RE: Know of any masturbation songs?
From: GUEST,Guest
Date: 20 Jul 04 - 11:47 AM

There was a ditty we used to sing in Brooklyn in the mid-1950s, to a sort of ersatz country tune:

You can hold it in your hand Mr. Murphy
'Cause it only weighs a quarter of a pound
It's got hair on its back like a turkey
And it squirts when you rub it up and down

Subject: RE: Know of any masturbation songs?
From: GUEST,Lindsay
Date: 20 Jul 04 - 10:32 AM

a Limerick, but you could sing it....

There was a young lady from Harrow
Whose passage it was a bit narrow
Times without number
She'd tried a cucumber
But never could manage a marrow

There are also several references to masturbation in "'Twas On The Good Ship Venus"

Subject: RE: Know of any masturbation songs?
From: GUEST,Lindsay
Date: 20 Jul 04 - 10:29 AM

Squeezed it, teased it, bashed it on the wall,
Smite it, bite it, slammed it in the door
funiculee funicular....

Subject: RE: Know of any masturbation songs?
From: GUEST
Date: 20 Jul 04 - 02:07 AM

...whatever that Prince song was, that caused quite a stir amongst parents ("Oh My God...he's talking about performing filthy sex acts!! Who would have guessed?!!") ..."Darling Nikki" ???

...and "Dinah-Moe Humm" -- Frank Zappa lyrics here

Subject: RE: Know of any masturbation songs?
From: Rabbi-Sol
Date: 20 Jul 04 - 12:24 AM

As the old philosopher one said:
   
I'm a poet and I know it,
And I have Longfellow between my legs to show it.

                                           SOL ZELLER

Subject: RE: Know of any masturbation songs?
From: Joe_F
Date: 20 Jul 04 - 12:15 AM

Charley:

A more elaborate version of the chorus to "Colombo" that you quote:

Frigging in the rigging,
Wanking on the planking,
Buggery in the snuggery --
There's fuck-all else to do.

N.B. "Frig" in Britain means masturbate. No acrobatics required.

Nigel:

Aliter:

Little boy kneels by the sitting-room fire,
Little face flushed with abnormal desire.
"Meow! Meow!" Oh, what is that?
Christopher Robin is sodding the cat.

If limericks count, then there are many, e.g.,

A randy young fellow named Rand
Sat seeing the sights in the sand.
"My problem," said he,
"Is as hard as can be,
But I think I can take it in hand."

Subject: RE: Know of any masturbation songs?
From: GUEST,mike the knife (no cookie)
Date: 19 Jul 04 - 11:02 PM

There once was a sailor named Rex
Who avoided premarital sex
By thinking of Jesus
And social diseases
And beating his meat below decks

Subject: RE: Know of any masturbation songs?
From: GUEST
Date: 19 Jul 04 - 10:31 PM

Firing The Surgeon General
(words & music by Roy Zimmerman, 1995 Watunes)
Recorded: The Foremen - Folk Heroes (1995 Reprise records)

Chorus:
You can't come in.
I hear you knockin', but you can't come in.
I hear you knockin', but you can't come in,
'Cause l'm firing the Surgeon General.

I used to flog the dolphin,
Used to choke the chicken,
Used to spank the monkey,
Used to fool with the tool.

I used to whip the bishop,
Used to wax the weasel.
But now I've learned one they
never taught in school.

(Chorus)

   I used to whack the Bobbitt,
Used to knead the noodle,
Used to charm the cobra,
Used to ponder pointillism. .

I used to free the willy,
Used to Pat the Robertson.
But now I've got me
a new euphemism.

(Chorus)

I used to think I'd need analysis,
Get phalluses full of callouses.
Go blind, lose my mind,
Be romantically disinclined.

I used to think I'd never be mollified,
Or qualified at all if I'd
Go to work as a clerk,
Try to be anything but a jerk.

But now I wanna dance and shout.
I'm jumping like a trouser trout.

'Cause I found a way to bat it,
And make a living at it.
Yeah, I got into politics and I'm
never coming
Never coming-never coming out.

(Chorus)

Subject: RE: Know of any masturbation songs?
From: Abby Sale
Date: 19 Jul 04 - 08:42 PM

Most obvious to me is:

CATS ON THE ROOFTOPS (2)

When you wake up in the morning with the devil of a stand,
From the pressure of the liquid on the seminary gland,
If you haven't got a woman you must take it in your hand,
As you revel in the joys of masturbation.

and

Native American Nell
That is the land where they understand
what it means to copulate,
Where even the dead sleep two in a bed
and the infants masturbate.

But you'll find quite a few more if you just go search the database on the single word masturba* (I think it's easier in the DOS version.

Give me a few days to get my computer back (finally) and I'll search my rugby & SCA files. Ellenpoly's line seems familiarly from there.

If wet dreams count, I've never been able to think of the verse in "Rambling Irishman" as anything else. Well, who knows? It would be the missing 4th verse in the DT version...

The first night that I spent on board,
I dreamt about my Nancy
I dreamt I held her in my arms
And well she pleased my fancy
But when I awoke from my sleep
And found my bosom empty
Well you may be sure and very sure
That I lay discontented.

Subject: RE: Know of any masturbation songs?
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 19 Jul 04 - 08:08 PM

Guest Barrie Roberts quoted:

"Little boy kneels by the lavatory pan,
Clutched in his hand is his little old man,
Flippety, floppety into the tank,
Christopher Robin is having a wank."

2 more verses are

Little boy sits at the foot of his bed
Clasped in his hands is a lilly-white head
Oh my, couldn't be worse.
Christopher Robin is shagging his nurse.

Little boy sits at the foot of the stairs
Clasped in his mitt are a handful of hairs.
Blood on his fingers, fur on the mat.
Christopher Robin's castrated the cat.


CHEERS

Nigel

Subject: RE: Know of any masturbation songs?
From: michaelr
Date: 19 Jul 04 - 07:31 PM

I'm with Jeri: Jackson Browne's "Rosie".

Rosie you're all right, you wear my ring
When you hold me tight, Rosie that's my thing
When you turn out the light I've got to hand it to you
Looks like it's me and you again tonight, Rosie

Cheers,
Michael

Subject: RE: Know of any masturbation songs?
From: John Robinson (aka Cittern)
Date: 19 Jul 04 - 07:01 PM

Keiran Halpin has a song with the lyric:

"My best friend is always right handed, after dark"

Jump to your own conclusions ...

All the best
John Robinson
http://www.JulieEllison.co.uk

Subject: RE: Know of any masturbation songs?
From: Bill D
Date: 19 Jul 04 - 06:05 PM

..............sure got a lot more response than some topics, didn't it? I'm sure there's a moral to be drawn.

(parody of "Stormy Weather"...from high school days..

"Wonder why there's no ass at ***** High,
Damned inflation....hafta go back to masturbation.
Stay horny allll the timmmmeeee...."

Subject: RE: Know of any masturbation songs?
From: GUEST,Handit Twoomey
Date: 19 Jul 04 - 03:36 PM

I was at a concert recently where the music was translated for the hearing impaired by sign language interpreters. One of the music performers, by way of teasing the sign language person, inserted comments about masturbation in the lyrics of the songs he was singing...inserted at random just to see how the sign language person would sign the terms. It was a riot!

Subject: RE: Know of any masturbation songs?
From: Nerd
Date: 19 Jul 04 - 02:48 PM

Alanabit,

Willie and the Hand Jive was originally written and performed by Johnny Otis, a pseudonym for Greek American John Veliotes, who was kind of an activist for African-American causes. He was a jazz bandleader, jump blues pioneer, early rock recording artist, radio and TV personality in LA, and Shuggie Otis's dad.

I think it was unlikely he was thinking about masturbation in this particular song. I believe it was recorded in response to "Bo Diddley," in which Bo took a common Black folk song, "Hambone," rewrote it slightly, and took its characteristic hand-slapping rhythms to become the "Bo Diddley Beat." "Hand Jive" was another name for this "hambone" hand-dance. What Otis was saying was "Bo didn't invent this beat." Other groups like Kip Tyler and the Flips recorded songs that featured the same rhythm in the African jungle, again making the point that it was common cultural property at least of the Black community.

The song itself is pretty clearly about a dance, as it has men and women doing it together, grandma paying to watch "baby sister" do it, a child doing it on TV, etc. That's not to say you can't interpret it to be masturbation, but it becomes a pretty gross, depraved and shocking song that way (especially the grandma part).

Mind you, years later Otis recorded an X-rated album called "Snatch and the Poontangs," so he wasn't above this sort of thing!

Subject: RE: Know of any masturbation songs?
From: GUEST,Jaze
Date: 19 Jul 04 - 12:08 PM

My Own Best Friend by John Prine

Subject: RE: Know of any masturbation songs?
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Jul 04 - 11:03 AM

Oh, my darlin', oh my darlin',
Oh, my darlin' fingers mine
You are great, please last forever,
Oh my darlin' fingers mine.

--from the Boy Scouts.

Subject: RE: Know of any masturbation songs?
From: GUEST
Date: 19 Jul 04 - 11:02 AM

"The Ball o' Kerriemuir"

Underneath the chestnut tree the village idiot sat
Amusing himself by abusing himself and catching it in his hat...

Subject: RE: Know of any masturbation songs?
From: GUEST
Date: 19 Jul 04 - 10:58 AM

Amos I don't know what you are drinking but give it up

Subject: RE: Know of any masturbation songs?
From: Amos
Date: 19 Jul 04 - 10:53 AM

Why does this thread seem so rich in pathos and tinged with barbarian gloom?


A

Subject: ADDPOP: Twenty-Mile Zone
From: Peter K (Fionn)
Date: 19 Jul 04 - 10:28 AM

Easy Rider, that's not one of Tom Lehrer's. Check back up the thread where similar lyrics have been posted.

Can anyone tell me what this song's all about?

twenty-mile zone
from ON MY WAY TO WHERE
by Dory Previn

I was riding in my car
screaming at the night
screaming at the dark
screaming at fright
I wasn't doing nothing
just drive about
screaming at the dark
letting it out
that's all I was doing
just
letting it out

well along comes a motorcycle
very much to my surprise
I said officer was I speeding
I couldn't see his eyes
he said no you weren't speeding
and he felt where his gun was hung
he said lady you were screaming
at the top of your lung
and you were...

doing it along
you were doing it alone
you were screaming in your car
in a twenty-mile zone
you were doing it alone
you were doing it alone
you were screaming

I said I'll roll up all my windows
don't want to disturb the peace
I'm just a creature
who is looking
for a little release
I said
and what's so wrong with screaming
don't you do it at your games
when the quarterback
breaks an elbow
when the boxer beats and maims
but you were...

doing it alone
you were doing it alone
you were screaming in your car
in a twenty-mile zone
you were doing it alone
you were doing it alone
you were screaming

I said animals roar
when they feel like
why can't we do that too
instead of screaming
banzai baby
in the war in the human zoo

he said I got to take you in now
follow me right behind
and let's have no more screaming
like you're out of your mind
so he climbed aboard his cycle
and his red-eyed headlight beamed
and his motor started spinning
and his siren screamed

he was doing it alone
he was doing it alone
he was screaming on his bike
in a twenty-mile zone
he was doing it alone
he was doing it alone
he was screaming
i was doing it alone
i was doing it alone
i was screaming in my car
in a twenty-mile zone
i was doing it alone
i was doing it alone
i was screaming
we were doing it together
we were doing it together
we were screaming at the dark
in a twenty-mile zone
we were doing it together
we were doing it together
we were screaming
we were doing it together
we were doing it
together
alone
in a twenty-mile zone.



Another Poem
Home
Maintained by StarWalk.Com

Subject: RE: Know of any masturbation songs?
From: Sttaw Legend
Date: 19 Jul 04 - 10:24 AM

She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes
She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes
She'll be coming round the mountain, she'll be coming round the mountain,
She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes

She'll be driving six white horses when she comes
She'll be driving six white horses when she comes
She'll be driving six white horses, she'll be driving six white horses,
She'll be driving six white horses when she comes

Oh, we'll all go out to meet her when she comes
Oh, we'll all go out to meet her when she comes

Oh, we'll all go out to meet her, we'll all go out to meet her,
We'll all go out to meet her when she comes

She'll be wearing red pajamas when she comes
She'll be wearing red pajamas when she comes

She'll be wearing red pajamas, she'll be wearing red pajamas,
She'll be wearing red pajamas when she comes

She will have to sleep with Grandma when she comes
She will have to sleep with Grandma when she comes
She will have to sleep with Grandma, she will have to sleep with Grandma,
She will have to sleep with Grandma when she comes

Subject: RE: Know of any masturbation songs?
From: Charley Noble
Date: 19 Jul 04 - 10:22 AM

Easy Rider-

I don't think that one was by Tom Leher but it's certainly one we sang at our 'all men's" college in the 1960's. And we also sang Joybell's ditty.

Charley Noble

Subject: RE: Know of any masturbation songs?
From: Easy Rider
Date: 19 Jul 04 - 10:09 AM

there was a Tom Lehrer song we used to sing, back in the sixties. I've forgotten the name, but it goes something like this:

"Last night I stayed home and masturbated.
It was so nice; I did it twice.

You should have seend me on the short strokes.
It was so grand; I used my hand.

You should have seend me on the long strokes.
It was so neat; I used my feet..."

does anybody have any more info?

Subject: RE: Know of any masturbation songs?
From: GUEST,Barrie Roberts
Date: 19 Jul 04 - 09:34 AM

Isn't 'Hanging Johnny' a dual-purpose worksong? Then there's the 'Christopher Robin' parody:

Little boy kneels by the lavatory pan,
Clutched in his hand is his little old man,
Flippety, floppety into the tank,
Christopher Robin is having a wank.

Subject: RE: Know of any masturbation songs?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 19 Jul 04 - 08:52 AM

leadbelly's haul away joe???!!!!

Subject: RE: Know of any masturbation songs?
From: Micca
Date: 19 Jul 04 - 08:50 AM

I did write a parody of a Ewan McColl song several years ago, the parody was called " the Manchester Wanker" PM me for the words as i am reluctant to post them!
The chorus goes
" I'm a wanker i'm a wanker from Manchester way
I get all my pleasure the solitary way
I may bash my bible on Sunday
but I bash my bishopon Monday!"

Subject: RE: Know of any masturbation songs?
From: Charley Noble
Date: 19 Jul 04 - 08:38 AM

From the nautical messmates to GUEST "Masturbation Troll":

Columbus was a sailor,
There was no sailor bolder;
Every time he'd masturbate,
He'd dislocate his shoulder.

Chorus:

Friggin' in the riggin',
Friggin' in the riggin',
Friggin' in the riggin',
There's fuck'l else to do!

Cheerily,
Charley Noble

Subject: RE: Know of any masturbation songs?
From: Michael
Date: 19 Jul 04 - 08:20 AM

I should think most songwriters could toss you one off if you asked nicely.

Subject: ADDPOP: I Touch Myself (Divinyls)
From: GUEST,Master Bates
Date: 19 Jul 04 - 07:56 AM

I Touch Myself
by The Divinyls

I love myself
I want you to love me
When I'm feelin' down
I want you above me
I search myself
I want you to find me
I forget myself
I want you to remind me

Chorus:
I don't want anybody else
When I think about you
I touch myself
I don't want anybody else
Oh no, oh no, oh no

You're the one who makes me happy honey
You're the sun who makes me shine
When you're around I'm always laughing
I want to make you mine

I close my eyes
And see you before me
Think I would die
If you were to ignore me
A fool could see
Just how much I adore you
I get down on my knees
I'd do anything for you

Chorus

I love myself
I want you to love me
When I'm feelin' down
I want you above me
I search myself
I want you to find me
I forget myself
I want you to remind me

Chorus

I want you
I don't want anybody else
And when I think about you
I touch myself
Ooh, oooh, oooooh, aaaaaah

Chorus