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BS: What's Missing from the Athens Games?

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Charley Noble 16 Aug 04 - 09:09 AM
SINSULL 16 Aug 04 - 09:40 AM
GUEST,Hugh Jampton 16 Aug 04 - 09:45 AM
DMcG 16 Aug 04 - 10:03 AM
GUEST 16 Aug 04 - 10:32 AM
Splott Man 16 Aug 04 - 10:59 AM
freightdawg 16 Aug 04 - 11:14 AM
Lonesome EJ 16 Aug 04 - 11:17 AM
Charley Noble 16 Aug 04 - 11:27 AM
Rapparee 16 Aug 04 - 12:14 PM
wysiwyg 16 Aug 04 - 12:59 PM
JennyO 16 Aug 04 - 01:12 PM
Bill D 16 Aug 04 - 01:40 PM
Amos 16 Aug 04 - 01:41 PM
Joe Offer 16 Aug 04 - 01:59 PM
SINSULL 16 Aug 04 - 02:27 PM
akenaton 16 Aug 04 - 04:13 PM
KateG 16 Aug 04 - 05:36 PM
Once Famous 16 Aug 04 - 06:03 PM
GUEST 16 Aug 04 - 06:07 PM
Charley Noble 16 Aug 04 - 06:09 PM
GUEST 16 Aug 04 - 06:22 PM
Wyrd Sister 16 Aug 04 - 06:31 PM
Bert 16 Aug 04 - 06:40 PM
harvey andrews 16 Aug 04 - 07:18 PM
Bobert 16 Aug 04 - 07:53 PM
RangerSteve 16 Aug 04 - 08:14 PM
GUEST,heric 16 Aug 04 - 08:18 PM
open mike 17 Aug 04 - 04:23 AM
JennieG 17 Aug 04 - 06:00 AM
GUEST,noddy 17 Aug 04 - 08:13 AM
HRH ted of hull 17 Aug 04 - 08:26 AM
Dave Bryant 17 Aug 04 - 08:32 AM
Roger the Skiffler 17 Aug 04 - 09:19 AM
JennyO 17 Aug 04 - 12:03 PM
Little Hawk 17 Aug 04 - 12:14 PM
Amergin 17 Aug 04 - 12:18 PM
JennyO 17 Aug 04 - 12:43 PM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 17 Aug 04 - 01:00 PM
Bert 17 Aug 04 - 01:08 PM
GUEST,MarkS 17 Aug 04 - 01:10 PM
akenaton 17 Aug 04 - 01:13 PM
GUEST,Thighs fan, 17 Aug 04 - 01:19 PM
Clinton Hammond 17 Aug 04 - 01:36 PM
Big Al Whittle 17 Aug 04 - 02:11 PM
Sttaw Legend 17 Aug 04 - 03:28 PM
Charley Noble 17 Aug 04 - 05:36 PM
GUEST,ritchie 17 Aug 04 - 06:06 PM
belter 17 Aug 04 - 06:17 PM
Roger the Skiffler 18 Aug 04 - 03:55 AM

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Subject: BS: What's Missing from the Athens Games?
From: Charley Noble
Date: 16 Aug 04 - 09:09 AM

Sifting through the morning papers, I was avidly reading the results of the sailing competitions, the gymnastics, the various swim meets only to be sorely disappointed to see NOTHING about the "banjo throw" or the "concertina squeeze." What else is missing?

Please spare us the "hamster toss" which is amply covered in an adjacent thread.

I note that there was ample coverage of the women's vollyball competition, except for what the participants were actually attired in.

Cheerily,
Charley Noble


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Subject: RE: BS: What's Missing from the Athens Games?
From: SINSULL
Date: 16 Aug 04 - 09:40 AM

You asked it for it Charley but before the flame wars start - I am only the messenger. From my nephew:
Neither Here Nor There
Issue 107

Feeling Greece-y

I've been watching a lot of Olympics the past few days. Surprise, surprise, some of things I've seen have got me thinking. So today I'd like to share with you a piece that is two-fold in its intentions: first, I'd like to list some of the problems that I have with the Olympics as they currently stand, and, second, I'd like to present some of my ideas for improving the Games. So pour yourself some ouzo and bust out a platter of grape leaves. It's time to brainstorm, Olympic-style. Enjoy.

Problem #1: Beach volleyball: When was Hooters given discretion over the sports chosen for Olympic competition? Sample promo: "Up next, Americans Sandy Crack and Floppy Tailpipe take on the tough Brazilian team of Flamboyenta Cupsize and her one-named teammate Buttocklia. She's the Cher of wedgies."

Problem #2: Synchronized Diving: Two people doing one stupid thing at the same time does not automatically merit inclusion in the world's most important sporting event. If divers feel they need to have more than one person diving at a time, it should be in an event like "slap-fight diving" wherein they bitch slap each other on their way down to the water, or, taking it up a notch, "knife fight diving." You divers want to do little synchronized dance moves, let's go all the way. "West Side Story," here we come!

Problem #3: Steeplechase:
"Okay, check this out. What if, instead of just having people run around the track and jump over hurdles, we. get this. get this. we put puddles in their way too?"

"Hehehehehe! You're crazy, man. You're crazy!"

"No, seriously, like, it's hard to run, right? And it's hard to jump? But it's harder to run and jump when your shoes are wet!"

"Woah."

"Yeah, woah."

"Pass that weed."

Problem #4: Handball: My problem with this sport is two-fold. One, it's not really handball. The handball I know (the American kind! Woooo! U-S-A! U-S-A!) is played by sweaty old men and over-aggressive teenagers, who run around slapping a ball against a concrete wall with their hands. American handball's rules are loosely based on racquetball and the sport appears to have been developed by people who were too busted ass broke to afford any of the racquet sports. Which leads to problem number two: basically this sport is just idiot soccer. People run around on a court, trying to throw a ball in a goal. Lacrosse without sticks, soccer without feet, basketball with an enormous net, whatever you want to call it, I call it stupid. Also, Iceland is really good at this sport. And anytime you see the words "Iceland" and "powerhouse" without reference to Bjork, you've got yourself a problem.

So that's a brief look at what's wrong. "But Chris," I know you're saying, "you're really not a negative person, so don't you have some ideas to make the Olympics more entertaining and, in all likelihood, improve worldwide viewership?"

It's like you read my mind.

Addition #1: Wife Carrying: I actually participated in a wife carrying contest while I was in Poland last month. And let me tell you, that is a serious sport. You can keep your shot puts and your hundred yard dashes, real athletes run up hills with a woman tossed over their shoulder. By the way, my team finished a respectable fifth out of nine. Plus, no women were dropped on their heads. But they could have been. It's that kind of tension that will rope in the audience.

Addition #2: Bartending: I've thought this should be in the Olympics ever since I saw Tom Cruise and Bryan Brown flinging those vodka bottles around in the 1988 hit movie "Cocktail." Listen up divers, because this is a sport that screams for synchronization.

Addition #3: Break Dancing: And, by 2012, synchronized break dancing.

Addition #4: Karaoke: Judging by the attendance I've seen at some of the events so far (I guess someone forgot to tell Greece that soccer is the world's most popular sport. There were more people in my bathroom on Saturday than at the Argentina/Tunisia match), the Olympics could use a shot in the arm. And what is more popular around the world right now than American Idol? The world needs to see more Pakistani women going for the gold, belting out "Wind Beneath My Wings." There won't be a dry eye in the collective house.

Addition #5: Regular Olympics vs. Special Olympics: Now, just hold on. Hear me out before you launch the hate mail. Here's my idea. Hold the Olympics and the Special Olympics at the same time. Then, match the winners from each respective event in a Champion vs. Champion format. We live for feel good stories, and just by the law of averages, eventually a retarded competitor is going to win something. Won't matter what it is, 100 meter dash, doubles table tennis, fencing, anything. That victory is going to be the feel good story of the millennium, and that kid will be bigger than Chris Burke. It's about time the Down Syndrome set had its own Mary Lou Retton.

Addition #6: Flaming Torch Relays: The Olympics officially begin when a flaming torch has made its way around the world and arrives at the site of the opening ceremonies. Track and field relay teams have to carry a baton around while they race. Why not combine the two? Make all the relay squads carry a large flaming stick as they race their way to Olympic glory. The fiery crashes alone would rope in the all-important NASCAR demographic that avoids the Olympics even more passionately than they avoid learning to read.

Addition #7: More people with cancer: Nothing tugs at the heartstrings like an athlete struggling with a relative's illness. You want ratings, get Dick Enberg in a studio with a roomful of crying discus tossers, lamenting the deteriorating condition of their sister, mother or cousin. American speed skater Dan Jansen was the master of this little chestnut. For a large portion of my life, I thought the death of a Jansen family member was a scheduled part of the opening ceremonies of the Winter Games.

Addition #8: Pay-per-view urine testing: Finally, a way to cash in on the growing steroid scandal. There are enough pee fetishist sickos out there for the International Olympic Committee to make a mint with this idea alone.

Addition #9: The Emperor of the Olympics: During the four years leading up to the next Games, a gigantic raffle would be held. People from all over the world would buy tickets and a lottery style drawing would be held to determine one lucky winner who would be given the title "Emperor of the Olympic Games." This "emperor" would dress in a toga and olive branch crown and preside over all of the competitions. Once the losers had been determined, the emperor would then have the ability, like Joaquin Phoenix in "Gladiator," to determine who lives and who dies. Thumbs up, the Moldovan women's soccer team lives to play another day. Thumbs down, a Croatian pentathlete gets thrown to the lions. Obviously, this position would come with a lot of responsibility, so all raffle entrants would have to be 18 or over.

That's the extent of my gripes and ideas for now. But we're only on day three of the Games. Until next time, if you need me, I'll be on my couch, with a beer in each hand, practicing for another event I'd like to see: synchronized Bud chugging.

More later
Sullivan


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Subject: RE: BS: What's Missing from the Athens Games?
From: GUEST,Hugh Jampton
Date: 16 Aug 04 - 09:45 AM

What`s Missing? Two star Greek athletes. One motorbike. Lots of spectators and quite a few builders for a start!


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Subject: RE: BS: What's Missing from the Athens Games?
From: DMcG
Date: 16 Aug 04 - 10:03 AM

Bodhran Relay race. One team has bodhrans and one tipper. The other team has neither. The race ends when the tipper is taken past the end line by the team without bodhrans.


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Subject: RE: BS: What's Missing from the Athens Games?
From: GUEST
Date: 16 Aug 04 - 10:32 AM

Any one from anywhere in the Uk that can hold a tennis raquet.


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Subject: RE: BS: What's Missing from the Athens Games?
From: Splott Man
Date: 16 Aug 04 - 10:59 AM

Bungee Climbing

Catching the Javelin

Heading the Shot

Synchronised Drowning

10,000 metres high hurdles


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Subject: RE: BS: What's Missing from the Athens Games?
From: freightdawg
Date: 16 Aug 04 - 11:14 AM

Here are some of my ideas:

Synchronized guitar picking. One tune would be mandatory, the second would be the optional choice. For degree of difficulty you could blindfold one, or even both, pickers.

For the weight events: amplifier hauling. Classifications could be broken down into one, two and three flights of stairs. The person who could haul the biggest amplifier up the stairs in the shortest period of time and hook it up to the PA system would win.

For the speed event: mandolin sprints. Each contestant is given 10 seconds. Winner would be based on how many notes were cleanly played in that 10 seconds.

By the way, since Americans are often cast as being uninterested in the so called "minor sports", as an act of contrition I forced myself to watch the women's beach volleyball matches. Sure is hard to type with these dark sunglasses on, though.

Freightdawg


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Subject: RE: BS: What's Missing from the Athens Games?
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 16 Aug 04 - 11:17 AM

An American basketball player who can hit the three-pointer?


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Subject: RE: BS: What's Missing from the Athens Games?
From: Charley Noble
Date: 16 Aug 04 - 11:27 AM

Wow! Sinsull, isn't it wonderful to have a place to post these thoughts?

I'be been musing over the sailing competitions, their lack of coverage, and thinking to myself that if they added "hurling" or "heaving over the lee rail" to the scoring matrix, it would heighten interest and rack up more beverage ads.

Amplifier hauling, mandolin sprints, keep 'em coming.

Cheerily,
Charley Noble


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Subject: RE: BS: What's Missing from the Athens Games?
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Aug 04 - 12:14 PM

Synchronized nose and banjo picking.

Roller skeet.

Fencing. REAL fencing. Not with those sissy electric swords, but settin' postholes and stringin' barbed wire over sage-covered hardpan.

HALO jumping -- you cut didoes and capers on the way down (as in diving), and the person who opens their parachute at the lowest altitude demonstrates how a winner can also be a loser.

Modern and Classic Sextatholon.

Bowling.


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Subject: RE: BS: What's Missing from the Athens Games?
From: wysiwyg
Date: 16 Aug 04 - 12:59 PM

The Nose-Flute Marathon and the Autoharp-Tuning Sprint.

~S~


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Subject: RE: BS: What's Missing from the Athens Games?
From: JennyO
Date: 16 Aug 04 - 01:12 PM

Washtub bass-jumping


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Subject: RE: BS: What's Missing from the Athens Games?
From: Bill D
Date: 16 Aug 04 - 01:40 PM

the Sportscaster toss! (different point schedules depending on whether his mouth is duct-taped or not.)

The 'random event' drawing....special event where a competitor can draw an event out of a hat and do something 'new'
..we might get Greco-Roman wrestlers doing pole vault, or 82lb gymnasts doing Greco-Roman wrestling...or Weightlifters riding equestrian courses...boggles the mind!


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Subject: RE: BS: What's Missing from the Athens Games?
From: Amos
Date: 16 Aug 04 - 01:41 PM

Naked Greek runners...men's and women's 24-hour dash....


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Subject: RE: BS: What's Missing from the Athens Games?
From: Joe Offer
Date: 16 Aug 04 - 01:59 PM

Sinsull participated in a wife carrying contest in Poland? Gee, I didn't know Sinsull was even married!

Or did I misread something somewhere?

[grin]

-Joe Offer-


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Subject: RE: BS: What's Missing from the Athens Games?
From: SINSULL
Date: 16 Aug 04 - 02:27 PM

Joe - Just how old are you???? I said it was from my nephew! Yes. You missed something.
SINS


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Subject: RE: BS: What's Missing from the Athens Games?
From: akenaton
Date: 16 Aug 04 - 04:13 PM

Sportsmanship.


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Subject: RE: BS: What's Missing from the Athens Games?
From: KateG
Date: 16 Aug 04 - 05:36 PM

Sports! Hubby & I gave it a look the other night. In about 45 minutes of programming (or however long it took us to eat supper and drink a couple of glasses of wine) we saw maybe 10 minutes of events. The rest was given over to advertisements, travelogue, advertisements, warm fuzzy athelete stories - including a piece about Lance Armstrong, who's not doing the Olympics this time round -- and, of course, more advertisements.


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Subject: RE: BS: What's Missing from the Athens Games?
From: Once Famous
Date: 16 Aug 04 - 06:03 PM

Two guys Greeking each other in Greece.


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Subject: RE: BS: What's Missing from the Athens Games?
From: GUEST
Date: 16 Aug 04 - 06:07 PM

Ah, so the shrink couldn't give you the full hour this week then MG?


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Subject: RE: BS: What's Missing from the Athens Games?
From: Charley Noble
Date: 16 Aug 04 - 06:09 PM

When I attended Michigan State University, back in the Pleistocene, we used to fantasize how various departments and colleges of the University could be more efficently combined. Some of the best combinations, we thought, were The School of Animal Packaging, a combination of Animal Husbandry (don't ask!) and the School of Packaging (don't ask!). We also came up with some wonderful courses such as the Pathology of Animal Husbandry. We clearly had too much time on our hands, or too much beer, and there was no Mudcat.

Of course, there is no relevance in this posting to the topic at hand, except to point out that the graduates of MSU's School of Packaging would win hands down in any Olympic packaging competition, even against competitors from neighboring University of Michigan.

Cheerily,
Charley Noble


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Subject: RE: BS: What's Missing from the Athens Games?
From: GUEST
Date: 16 Aug 04 - 06:22 PM

sex


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Subject: RE: BS: What's Missing from the Athens Games?
From: Wyrd Sister
Date: 16 Aug 04 - 06:31 PM

Underwater hang-gliding
100yard stare
Synchronised English Ceilidh


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Subject: RE: BS: What's Missing from the Athens Games?
From: Bert
Date: 16 Aug 04 - 06:40 PM

All of the bar SPORTS. Darts, Pool, Bar skittles etc. They could be played at the same time as Nephew's Karaoke.


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Subject: RE: BS: What's Missing from the Athens Games?
From: harvey andrews
Date: 16 Aug 04 - 07:18 PM

Slowest chorus singers.
Groups from each nation will be given a 12 verse and 12chorus song to sing. All will begin at the same tempo. The winner is the group that sings the final chorus the slowest.
A certain gold for Britain


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Subject: RE: BS: What's Missing from the Athens Games?
From: Bobert
Date: 16 Aug 04 - 07:53 PM

Chug-lugin' is the offical Wes Ginny sport, though butt scratchin' and spittin' are makin' waves for consideration...

Then of course there's the usual clothes pitchin' that occurs on Saturday nite when Billie Jean has had just about 'nuff od Bubba and throws all his stuff out in front of the double wide... Hey, some them gals can move yer butt out in 'bout 5 minutes... That involves some major athleticism...

Actually, I gotta a buddy, Daryl, who said something stupid to his ol' lady and thought he could outrun her, which he was doing well at until she beaned him with a boot at well over 75 feet... Yeah, I'd like to see the "boot toss" added as a woman's sport...

Bobert


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Subject: RE: BS: What's Missing from the Athens Games?
From: RangerSteve
Date: 16 Aug 04 - 08:14 PM

I saw on the news this morning that there's a couch potato olympics. The competitors sit in Lazy-Boy recliners and watch the real olympics on TV. The person who can stay awake the longest will win tickets to the next Winter Olympics. I don't know if they get fed. True couch potatoing involves junk food. The record is a little over 2 days.

on a serious note, what's missing from the US broadcast is some words of praise for the teams that beat the US athletes. I'm aware that our basketball team sucks, and that's probably one of the reasons the Puerto Rican team beat us, but would it hurt our reporters to say that the PR team also beat us because they are really good at what they do?


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Subject: RE: BS: What's Missing from the Athens Games?
From: GUEST,heric
Date: 16 Aug 04 - 08:18 PM

They have improved, though. ABC would switch from a US Basketball loss, mid-game, to ping pong matches between Malawi and Tuvalu.


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Subject: RE: BS: What's Missing from the Athens Games?
From: open mike
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 04:23 AM

shrinks never give a full hour...50 minutes is the max.
maybe there should be a competetion for them. will the
real couch potatoe please stand up?How have you been feeling?


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Subject: RE: BS: What's Missing from the Athens Games?
From: JennieG
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 06:00 AM

Lagerphone making - you start with a carton of beer - first person to open (and of course consume, we don't like to see waste) bottle gets one point. When all beer is drunk (as, by now, is the drinker) then the lagerphone must be constructed from the bottle tops and a broom handle.

Extra bonus points if the player can get a tune from the darned thing.

Cheers
JennieG who is finding the non-stop Olympic coverage boooooring but whose husband likes sport........


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Subject: RE: BS: What's Missing from the Athens Games?
From: GUEST,noddy
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 08:13 AM

Events the Brits can win!


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Subject: RE: BS: What's Missing from the Athens Games?
From: HRH ted of hull
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 08:26 AM

DRUGS!


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Subject: RE: BS: What's Missing from the Athens Games?
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 08:32 AM

Transatlantic Bodhran race - using banjos as the paddles.

Kazoo Swallowing.


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Subject: RE: BS: What's Missing from the Athens Games?
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 09:19 AM

Underwater Scrabble
Strip Chess

RtS


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Subject: RE: BS: What's Missing from the Athens Games?
From: JennyO
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 12:03 PM

Horizontal abseiling

Snakes and ladders - with REAL snakes and REAL ladders

Long distance gargling


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Subject: RE: BS: What's Missing from the Athens Games?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 12:14 PM

William Shatner. In a thong.


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Subject: RE: BS: What's Missing from the Athens Games?
From: Amergin
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 12:18 PM

barroom curling. barroom brawling. bodhran hurling.


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Subject: RE: BS: What's Missing from the Athens Games?
From: JennyO
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 12:43 PM

The 100 metre grovel

musical chairs


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Subject: RE: BS: What's Missing from the Athens Games?
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 01:00 PM

A banana-peeling contest, a tree-climbing contest, and showgirls doing a can-can act.


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Subject: RE: BS: What's Missing from the Athens Games?
From: Bert
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 01:08 PM

Does anyone remember that made for TV drama back in the Sixties called "The Year of The Sex Olympics" ?


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Subject: RE: BS: What's Missing from the Athens Games?
From: GUEST,MarkS
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 01:10 PM

Any mention of shooting sports. There are 17 events. Anybody seen any coverage at all?
Mark


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Subject: RE: BS: What's Missing from the Athens Games?
From: akenaton
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 01:13 PM

Spectators.


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Subject: RE: BS: What's Missing from the Athens Games?
From: GUEST,Thighs fan,
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 01:19 PM

Caught sight of some coverage the other day, and it left me confused, which is very easy to do when dealing with sport.

It said they were going to show the football? Is there a UK footie team then? Is it the best of all nations playing? I never knew we had such a team. Who is the captain? If Becks was playing then I missed seeing his thighs.


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Subject: RE: BS: What's Missing from the Athens Games?
From: Clinton Hammond
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 01:36 PM

Missing?

How about the projected 15,000 stray dogs that 'experts' feared were to be poisoned in the street to make for a cleaner Athens?

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/allnews/tm_objectid=14416209%26method=full%26siteid=50143%26headline=greeks--to-gas-15-000-dogs-before-olympics--name_page.html

(You'll have to copy & paste cause the link maker isn't working with this url for some reason... )

Where's the Mudcat 'outrage' on this one???


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Subject: RE: BS: What's Missing from the Athens Games?
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 02:11 PM

I think its the weather.

It all looks a bit sweaty and uncomfortable. You'd have to be out of your head on drugs to start running and jumping round in that heat.


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Subject: RE: BS: What's Missing from the Athens Games?
From: Sttaw Legend
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 03:28 PM

UK medals ! (apart from harriWattsband winning the sequence diving)


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Subject: RE: BS: What's Missing from the Athens Games?
From: Charley Noble
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 05:36 PM

Civility on the part of NBC's sports announcers. What a bunch of hacks, sports wannebees, and gossips.

It would be nice to line 'em up for an archery competition. They should be required to clean up after the equestrian competitions, using their bare hands. And when we finish with the announcers, let's line up the sponsor representatives.

Cheerily,
Charley Noble


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Subject: RE: BS: What's Missing from the Athens Games?
From: GUEST,ritchie
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 06:06 PM

I think that there should be races where the contestants dress up in each qualifying round as a celebrity ie for one round as elvis, the next norman wisdom the next max wall until eventually the final when it should be a running backwards race wearing ...you pick!(whatever floats your boat)
I also think there should be a viewers vote, never mind how good someone is ..hey its reality lets get real.
If its all about representing your country then i think all the heads of state should take part.
just as a matter of interest when do the games start? Is it soon?
kali whatever Ritchie


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Subject: RE: BS: What's Missing from the Athens Games?
From: belter
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 06:17 PM

I'd like to see some reasonable coverage of less popular sports. Like fencing. I once saw about 5 seconds of olimpic fencing coverage at about 1am a couple of olimics ago.

Another thing they should have is SCA stile armored combat. I think the could have individual, 5 person melee, and 100 fighter team batle.


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Subject: RE: BS: What's Missing from the Athens Games?
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 18 Aug 04 - 03:55 AM

...and not forgetting the Kenneth Horne programme favourite: the Over Eighties Nudist Leapfrog Team!

RtS


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Mudcat time: 17 October 5:54 AM EDT

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